Do The Work with Harold McGhee Jr.
Ep. 16 Decoding the Complexities of Marriage
Picture this - you’ve just capped off a long, grueling day at work. You step into your home, the sweet haven where your spouse awaits, ready to embrace you, providing both a biological and spiritual uplift - a mutual understanding and support that transcends the confines of a typical day. Journey with us, two married men, as we paint a canvas of our experiences in marriage - how we learned to envision our spouse's dreams as our own, the challenges we faced in maintaining a balance between work, ministry, and family life, and how the right amount of communication and space helps us weather the tempests of frustration.
We've all been there – juggling relationships, work and dreams, only to realize at some point that it's just not possible to keep all those balls in the air. But trust us when we say, we've found the sweet spot. Hear us out as we share how we learned to prioritize our spouses amidst the whirlwind of our ministry and work commitments. Discover how we affirmed and supported our wives, believing and investing in their dreams, and the transformative impact it brought to our marriages. We promise, it's not as daunting as it sounds - it's more rewarding than you can imagine!
Let's step into a realm often tiptoed around - the gender roles within a marriage. We challenge the outdated religious beliefs and underscore the importance of men taking on leadership roles, all while acknowledging the unique strengths and callings of their wives. We'll share our stories of growth and maturity in areas such as finances and decision-making – all credit to our wives. Listen in, as we unravel the dynamics of a strong and supportive marriage where both partners lead and support each other. Come, let's peel back the layers of marriage and discover its beautiful complexity together.
Picture this - you’ve just capped off a long, grueling day at work. You step into your home, the sweet haven where your spouse awaits, ready to embrace you, providing both a biological and spiritual uplift - a mutual understanding and support that transcends the confines of a typical day. Journey with us, two married men, as we paint a canvas of our experiences in marriage - how we learned to envision our spouse's dreams as our own, the challenges we faced in maintaining a balance between work, ministry, and family life, and how the right amount of communication and space helps us weather the tempests of frustration.
We've all been there – juggling relationships, work and dreams, only to realize at some point that it's just not possible to keep all those balls in the air. But trust us when we say, we've found the sweet spot. Hear us out as we share how we learned to prioritize our spouses amidst the whirlwind of our ministry and work commitments. Discover how we affirmed and supported our wives, believing and investing in their dreams, and the transformative impact it brought to our marriages. We promise, it's not as daunting as it sounds - it's more rewarding than you can imagine!
Let's step into a realm often tiptoed around - the gender roles within a marriage. We challenge the outdated religious beliefs and underscore the importance of men taking on leadership roles, all while acknowledging the unique strengths and callings of their wives. We'll share our stories of growth and maturity in areas such as finances and decision-making – all credit to our wives. Listen in, as we unravel the dynamics of a strong and supportive marriage where both partners lead and support each other. Come, let's peel back the layers of marriage and discover its beautiful complexity together.
I don't know if we could exhaust this topic. I don't know if we could do it justice in the little time that we have, because I wanna respect your time too, but what are your thoughts? And this could be as elaborated as you want, but this is what I wanna close with, because both of us are married men, both of us have wives that love us and we love them. And if you wanna take that real quick, you can, okay. Both of us have wives that love us and we love them.
Speaker 1:And something that I think is very important is for our spouse to understand where we're at mentally and emotionally, like knowing each other's triggers, knowing each other's struggles, knowing each other's blind spots. Like how beneficial, because a lot of times, as man, we don't want to show our vulnerabilities to our spouses because we the knight in john armor, what you mean I got flaws, but some of the things that's drawn casting out of the closest is knowing each other and where our limitations are. And so, like, what does that look like for you? And how important is that in a marriage is knowing what each other mental capacity is?
Speaker 2:Well, I look at it, I look. I just before we got married. Tina and I have been married. Now it'd be 28 years next month. Yeah, January 20th.
Speaker 1:Congratulations, brother, that's.
Speaker 2:A long time. That's a long, we coming up on 30, brother, yes, we. But I tell you I had to.
Speaker 2:it was different earlier on in our relationship and in our marriage because it was all about me and I was trying to do everything about me, about my career it was all about me and what I start doing later on in our marriage was allowing Tina's vision to be my vision, which, like with this counseling thing that we're doing with, that's where it started, with Tina and I had to make her vision my vision and when I did that, we got more close. The closeness was there. That's key. That's key. And a lot of times men feel like, okay, god's called me to preach, god's called me to be a pastor, and your spouse supposed to just kind of follow along.
Speaker 2:Yeah tag along and that's really not the way God created it marriage to be, because you was one, yeah. So I had to understand that. I'm gonna make Tina's vision my vision and my vision is her vision. And as it came together, we got closer in the bedroom, all that. It was just like we got more closer. We was real. It was like we was dating again, man. It was like because life has a way of getting mundane and being married so long, man. It was like it was kinda we were married and things was going fine, but we were just married.
Speaker 1:Right, right, you were just married. It got to the point where you, it was just married. Nothing was new. Nothing was new.
Speaker 2:And we really. So we really, we do all the time we try to make it. We spice it up every, every time we can do, we spice it up, whether, whatever trip we take, mm-hmm we like to do different things.
Speaker 1:Come on.
Speaker 2:We try not to do things the same way. Yeah, you know, we spice it up a little bit. That's so good, you know. You know, I know what. I know what her likes are, come on, and she know what mine are, yeah, which is important. And so she knows my mental space. She knows if I have a hard day at work, come on, and I come home, come on, she can read me before I even come in the door.
Speaker 2:That's man I and, and not everybody gets that, and she move accordingly. She move accordingly. So she knows, okay, I'm not gonna approach him right right then and then go to go pick up his underwear out the bathroom. I ain't even going there today. I'm gonna let that. I'm gonna let that way, I'm we gonna wait on that? Yeah, but so she understands that, you know, and I understand her. You know, when she comes from a counseling session, I'm not I let her come in and I let her that moment lead. Hmm, I let the moment lead like, okay, okay, how should I floor in this moment? And it's been helpful, man, it's been fruitful, yeah, but you know how it is, man, with kids and ministry, and it's always ups and downs and I don't like to paint a pretty picture. You know, because you know me, I'm a hundred.
Speaker 2:Yeah, one hundred dude, and there's times where, where we have some frustrating moments, app, absolutely we, we argue. You know. You know, brother, I blight, I complain sometimes. Yeah, you know, I put it on me, baby, if you watching that I said I'm gonna complain. I complain sometimes and she has to she. She navigates through that, yeah, and and sometimes the spouse when they hear the complaining, if they're not receiving it and you know, in a different frame, the right way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, cause an argument.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but Tina, she knows, like she, okay, I'm gonna let this do that, yeah, I'm gonna let this little ice-skinned brother vet, and and then all of a sudden, you know things kind of come back and yeah, and I think I think that's key, yeah is, as spouses, we have to know what moment we're in.
Speaker 1:Is this a vinten moment? Is this you want my feedback moment? All right, just to shut up and listen, mom.
Speaker 2:Yeah, throwing that brother is just a cuddle moment. All right, come on, I'm gonna cuddle sometimes.
Speaker 1:Cuz, sometimes you just hey, I was reading a book on on why good people mess up and the author was saying that as men, it is important that after a long day's work that you come home and you embrace your wife. Oh, he says, biologically and spiritually, it does something to you. Yeah, when you just bring it in, just hold her, yeah, and let that energy just yeah, sit for a little bit. Really it, because a hug releases octetosin. Oh, yes, it does. A hug, he says God created a woman, that her bosom Energizes you the longer you hold her, yeah, yeah, as a as, not not like as a perverted way, but as a way, as a, your chemistry, your closeness, it don't. You mean, guys say nothing. You bring it in, baby, bring it in. And when you go days and weeks and months without ever holding your spouse, you know what that does you mentally. Brother, dude, that's how must be stepping out.
Speaker 1:Say that, say that must be something like do. When I asked the brother he was like man, I don't know about her brother, like it ain't the same, no more. First question I asked him I was like man, when the last time you hold your woman, man, she be on some other knob, bro, I don't care what she on you better go grab her. Yeah, I Said because I could be mad at my wife and I'll just hold her in my whole continents. And attitude change, just change it just change.
Speaker 2:But you know, brothers, you know back in the day, remember we used to hold, hold our ladies hand, walk in the mall, we hold in the hand. That was a big thing back then brother, that was a big thing, because it's solidified that she was mine. That's right. So you, we walk in the mall. We hold you know what's up.
Speaker 2:She belong to me, bro. We she rolled with me, right. But you know brothers got away from that. They got away from that and I've said in several sessions where they don't hold hands, they don't like to talk when they get off work.
Speaker 2:They go they go into, they, they mens little area and they, they don't. You know it's like, bro, you can't, you can't survive like that, can't. No, can't survive, no, can't survive. But I look at it like this to her is that our, our spouses, are they need Affirmation. Yes, they need to be a firm, you know. And I told Tina, I said anytime I stop affirming you, you'd call me out. Oh, that's good, you call me out, because if I'm not affirming you, something going on with me, I Told somebody else getting affirmed.
Speaker 2:I said so because and it's a vice versa so if we're not affirming our spouses, somebody else gonna start affirming them. Yeah, they'll make them feel valued, important. Yeah, like, why just use an example at work. You know, you know they are firming her at work at how good she is. Then all of a sudden, the boss is the then trickled in. Yeah, like this dude, she calling him when she upset. Oh, who that on the phone?
Speaker 2:is happy how does happen? That's how you know. So we have to have started firming our spouses and do it every single day. I don't care what it looks like, it's small things. Yeah, you know, I tell her baby, I love you before I leave you a baby. I'll let's just something we do. I love you, baby. Are you good today? It looks beautiful man. That color looks good. Oh yeah, even if I don't even like the color hair, I'm still like look baby.
Speaker 1:They look good on you that color good, you know.
Speaker 2:So, uh, affirmation is important.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, so I, I, I'm a firm believer that the moment your wife stops feeling desired, you're in trouble. Say that you're in trouble. Oh, and that's. That's when the compliments stop coming, the affirmations stop coming, the, the, the little, the little Sentimental things stop happening, and it's, it feeds us mentally, and it feeds us emotionally and and and and. About time we notice that is not happening.
Speaker 2:It's too late.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah and so, but they've already noticed. Yeah, they just ain't said nothing. So the point that the fact that you said tell me the moment you start recognizing that, because a mom, a woman, will pick up on something but won't say nothing, just to see if you would change, I'm gonna, I'm noticing, ain't said it. In a few weeks I'm gonna see if he notices and it'll change. But I'm like, babe, I look, yeah, it's over my head. Yeah, let me know, cuz I want to. And, um, my wife has called me out a number of times. It's because she wants me to take the initiative with things, and that's important. And there was a time where I was praying with multiple guys every morning, every morning they would call me. Sometimes I didn't even feel like praying and they hit my line up and I'm like I gotta pray. And my wife we were getting ready for work and she was like Negro, you praying with them more than you praying with me.
Speaker 1:Ooh, and I was like I couldn't say nothing, yeah. And I'm like, she right, yeah, these cats waking me up, praying with them, and she laying right next to me, yes. And so I'm like I never want to get in a position to where I allowed my busyness to cause a division between our intimacy and I'm like, look, baby, I'm telling you these dogs look like I ain't even praying to my wife yet. You gotta hold on Well and look at it.
Speaker 2:Think about it like this we in ministry been in ministry forever and we pray more with folk at the altar than sometimes that we do with our spouses at home, and we gotta be careful with that.
Speaker 2:That's so good, and I'm careful and I'm gonna say this I'm gonna say this, harold, because I'm careful that I'm not affirming women at church more than I'm affirming women my wife at home, come on, because what happens is it can create some stuff, yeah, and we gotta be careful with that, you know, especially as men, because that's what we do. You know we lie to edify folks, yeah, and sometimes that edification if that woman is not getting at her house but the pastor or the preacher always edifying, then there's that growth.
Speaker 2:There's that thing that goes there, and you've heard me minister several times at church and I always affirm Tina, my wife, before I get the message start.
Speaker 1:That's right, she my brown sugar. Yeah, she my rib. You know my rib bones.
Speaker 2:I mean, I let them know Like listen, that's my girl.
Speaker 2:You know, that's my lady, you know, because she seen me before I didn't even see myself. When she seen me in some stuff Y'all ain't seen me in, you know she done prayed me through some stuff Y'all don't even know nothing about. I wouldn't even be on this platform If the lady it wouldn't just be laying hands on me, you know. So I always affirm her because number one and some of y'all may think that this is a little out the way but she, my trophy, that's my girl.
Speaker 2:She my trophy, that's right, she my trophy, and I'm not afraid to say that's my girl. So we got to make sure, as men, as ministers, that we are pushing our women forward, our spouses forward, you know, our wives forward and like look, look, they eat somebody too. Yeah, they somebody too.
Speaker 1:They got dreams, aspirations and goals. Yeah, I've been built, boy. Come on, so many God convicted me and I've shared this on the podcast before. But there's, and you just said it yourself.
Speaker 1:There's, there was a season in our marriage where it was all about building up what I saw. I thought we should be going yeah, this is my vision, my dream, my dream job, my dream career, my business or whatever. And she's taking the low route and just I'm his, help me, I'm his, I'm going to help him. And then the Lord convicted me. He was like your wife has dreams, goals and aspirations too. Yes, they do. The first time it happened, my wife was a stay at home mom. She's take care of our kids. She was homeschooling and she's take care of our kids. And I was out doing my thing. Yeah, and the Holy Spirit was like when the last time you asked your wife, like what it is that she wants? Cause I was big on sharing my vision, I was big on telling this world this is where I see us at. But it was really me, but it was us. And I asked my wife and she said you know what? I think? I wanna go back, I wanna teach.
Speaker 1:I got a full degree that I earned and I'm not using and I wanna use it. I never asked her how she felt about that and I was like yo, I need to support that. And she's like, yeah, you know, a couple years ago, she wanna do some music, she wanna put some music out. I was like, I was like hey and the Lord challenged me.
Speaker 1:He said, man, you didn't put so many resources and finances and stuff into building your side gigs, your income, your online stuff. He said you need to pour into your wife's gifts. And she was like I was like, look, I'm gonna get you some producers, I'm gonna get you some studios sometime and get some vocals, get some people. And she was the continence and the joy and the just listening to her music and creating it. And it wasn't people on the outside looking in is like oh, are they trying to make some? It's like no, like to see my wife in the moment behind the mic me messing with. I learned how to navigate some of the software for the vocals and the production. I learned that just so that she can do it. And my wife, she looking at me, she like what?
Speaker 2:you learning all this little stuff? Look at him go. Look at him go.
Speaker 1:And dude that brought so much life to her and I was like what if I would have never did that? And it wasn't about how far the music went or how many sales or how much. It was like I stopped and I put all my attention and investment into her and in her dream and what she wanted and emotionally and mentally that fed her so much, bro. And the same thing happens when she does that for me, cause like I'm like she helped me down a long time and Kyle and I heard this comment. It was like a lot of guys want fans. They want fans.
Speaker 1:They don't want lifetime partners. They want everybody to stroke the ego and a fan watching you at your best. They only see your victories, they only see your highlight reel. They only see you know what I'm saying. But your lifelong partner, she sees everything. And sometimes we get so accustomed to people seeing the highlight reel in the fans that's given us affirmation and compliments and stuff. And our wife was like look, I know the lazy you, I know the irritating you, I know, and so like when you yeah, you preach that word, but can you pick up after yourself?
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And so and we get used to the fan and we don't appreciate the ones that's been holding us down, oh yeah, oh yeah. And then you find yourself in a situation to where you get with the fan and the fan ain't what you thought it was, or the fan, or you ain't what the fan thought you was. For real. For real, it's real talk, man. And so I think it's so important as spouses to know, to always know, where our spouses are at emotionally and mentally, so that we can feed that, but also so that we can protect that. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know the Bible says about us. You know, fanning the flame, you know you fan that flame, and you know it's not just just you, just us fanning but we had to fan that flame in our spouses, pushed them forward. You know, I said, if I look at it like this, our ministry we say this all the time it begins at home first, yes, and it shows at church.
Speaker 1:If it ain't it's show now.
Speaker 2:You might not see it, but it'll show. If your first ministry is not at home, taking care of mama, taking care of them kids, it'll show. It'll show at church, man, and you know, and through through relationships and things like that, how you talk to folk. You know, and I'm big on how I talk to Tina, a certain way I don't, I don't want to, I wouldn't disrespect her. Come on In front of other people. So I'm not going to disrespect her at home either. You know what I'm saying. So we got to get on that tip, you know, because I'm going to tell you Tina is. She's a smart, smart, intelligent, anointed powerhouse. She can preach. She probably pretty better than I can. I know she can. The girl could throw that out and we'll pray that and real, for real. And we'll pray the house now, for real, for real. We'll pray the house now. So I ain't afraid to be like, okay, baby, he did it here. Go, go, go, go, dude, do you, baby, do it? Yes, and we've got to get more men, that's not afraid.
Speaker 2:You know, because I think sometimes you know, we get afraid of what they can do because they're, because they're female you know, no, no, no, that's that's, oh, that's old gospel. That's what I'm going to say. Gospel, that's old religion, you know. I like to say it's an old religion, old religious mindset, that you know that that women can't, they got to take the backseat to us men, and that's not. I'm telling you that it is not the way God created it.
Speaker 1:He didn't design it that way Now we are to lead.
Speaker 2:I get that. Yes, men, we are to lead, and our wives they know that, and my wife she knows, she wants me to lead my house, yeah, you know. So if there ever a problem that the, that, the, the, the wife is trying to lead more than you may, want to take a look at that, you know, because it's kind of out of order a little bit and us men we got to take our rightful place in our home, yeah, and lead effectively. That's the problem Lead effectively.
Speaker 1:That's the problem and and and. When we can't. One thing I love about my wife is like you said, she. She's a woman who knows how to influence me without embarrassing me Like she will if I'm talking reckless and she like okay, this, this, she won't say nothing, but let us get in the car. She like, she like, look Now you know, you need to clean that up and I and I respect that because she knows she's like look, I'm, I'm, I'm.
Speaker 1:I'm going to make sure you say face yeah, Because I don't need us out here reckless because, everything you do is a witness. Yes, it is, yes, it is. Everything you do is a witness. You can't, you can't, be bickering in public in the name of being one hundred.
Speaker 2:You better come on with it.
Speaker 1:We just going. We, you can't be arguing with each other in public in the name of keeping it 100. No, you keep that at home. Yes, but but um, another thing that I love is that, um, she I don't even know how to say it, but it's like when I'm not performing in an area that I should be, or, I'll say it this way, when I'm not leading in an area that I should lead in. Take our finances, for instance.
Speaker 1:Like I was very not good with the finances but she forced me to be because she like, look, I'm not taking this over, you gon' figure this out, you gon' clean this up. And and it wasn't like a demanding thing, it was like babe, we gon' be struggling if you don't get it together, because I'm not going to take this from you. I believe God wants to to work through you in this area. She says I don't. She's like finances brings me anxiety. When I got to pay the bills, when I got to balance the checkbook, when I got to do all, she said that brings me anxiety and I'm okay letting you deal with that. Even if you're making some poor decisions, I'm going to trust God that you can get the right help and learn how to do this and learn how to.
Speaker 1:And there were some seasons where we just didn't have it and she was just like babe, I'm praying, I'm praying, I'm gonna help where I can and I'm gonna communicate what I need, but you're gonna have to lead in this area. And, dude, that forced me to grow up so fast in the area of finances Like it legit, like she wouldn't. She wouldn't be like you pay tithes, or she wouldn't be like where the money going, or she wouldn't be like it's the bills paid. What she would do if I missed the bill and the pass-due notice come and I just wanna make sure you got this because it came today you just wanna make sure you got that and she'll leave.
Speaker 1:Oh crap, let me go and pay these bills. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:But you think about it. Think about it, pat. It's a teaching moment man it is.
Speaker 2:It's a very teaching moment, but I feel like, as men, we could take if that would have went a different way, where why ain't you paying me? I'm so tired of you paying and you ain't doing it on time. And it's the same message, though. It's the same message, you see what I'm saying, but we will receive that in a probably different fashion. Girl, you coming at me like that I've been, you know, hold on, take care of yourself and you do it there, that's real talk, hey that's real talk.
Speaker 2:But we allow that teaching moment. But that's wisdom, you know, that our spouses have through the Holy Spirit, you know. And your wife has a prophetic call in her life too. Yeah, so she sees some things, she sees a lot that I don't bro.
Speaker 1:I just don't, yes.
Speaker 2:So and if I don't take heed?
Speaker 1:we messed up. Yeah, yeah, I'm glad you said that, because it's not that I'm trying to be less of a man. I just know she sees stuff that I don't see. So I got to, I got to, I got to take heed to it. Yeah, she ain't calling the shots, she giving me insight.
Speaker 2:Insight yes, it is, and she like babe and I know like. Ok.
Speaker 1:I don't listen to this. I'm going to learn the hard way and we have to understand that, as men, like our wives, have different callings and different anointings, my wife's level of discernment is out of this world. Like my wife, like, if I'm doing something, I ain't got. No, she like look the Lord's. I've been having these dreams. Baby, You're going to have to. This is how the Lord would do. I was flirting with temptation. You know how you, you, you push the envelope. I ain't all the way there.
Speaker 1:But I'm you know, it's enough to where I know I shouldn't be entertaining some stuff and my wife, the Lord would speak to my wife and my wife was she's so slick with it and it's not manipulative because she really didn't under, she just knew something was off. She said here's something that's off. And I had this dream. I had this dream and she tell me the dream Now one, I could talk the dream away, like I could just be like look you reading into it, this is what it. But the Lord will give me the interpretation. You know what I'm showing her right Lord, like, yeah, so if you don't get it together, it ain't going to be no dream. She going to see exactly what it is. And I would be like all right, babe, we need to pray Because I'm struggling. And this is where I'm struggling and she and the reason I do. It didn't happen overnight Because early in our marriage I would try to man up, yeah, yeah and take it on and, all right, I'm going to pull myself and my wife.
Speaker 1:After my therapy session and my last therapy session, my therapist brought my wife in to the session. He was like all right, we wrapping this up, harold is, you know he's doing good, but I want to bring you in so that you know the signs and that you know what to look for the red flags, whatever when the Lord's speaking about some talk. And so he brought her in and my therapist said is there anything you want to tell Harold that will help safeguard him in this marriage? And she said. She said, babe, when you're being tempted and when you're on the edge, don't go it alone. Let me in.
Speaker 2:Let me in.
Speaker 1:She said I'm not gonna judge you, I'm not gonna go telling everybody your business, but we're gonna come together as one and we're gonna fight that thing together. And I was just like the level of weight that that took off for me and we joke about it now and we could be in a situation like baby, you better hold your boy accountable.
Speaker 2:Right right.
Speaker 1:She be like look, but it didn't get there overnight. We had to build that. We had to build that and that level of trust yeah, yeah, bringing it full circle that level of trust that we have with each other and we're able to give that to other people, cause we know how to build that now. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And those. You got a lot of teaching moments in there, man, where we go through things not just for ourselves but for other people, and I feel like our marriage it's designed to be able to help somebody else Absolutely. So I look at it like when we go through something, it's not always, oh, you getting chastised by God and you do sin and this, and that God's trying to teach you something. He's trying to teach you something through it, and when he teaches us through it, he allows us to be able to be effective to other couples, to other people, to other men, just like right now. We've got situations that we done been through that. Now we can look back and be like okay, now I see it.
Speaker 2:Now my brother. Now, bro, I done, been there, done that, here you go.
Speaker 1:Listen, because when you've gone through it it's like this suck this ain't gonna work, she ain't gonna trust me?
Speaker 2:she ain't gonna, you know.
Speaker 1:And but looking back on it, you're absolutely 100% right. It's designed in a way that will help other people If we trust God enough to share it. Some people so embarrassed about what they went through that they don't allow God to get the glory from it. It's like look, you made it. Like you made it. You made it. I love it. I remember my wife. She was like she's like, if you ever leave me, and then she threatened and I said look, pay, I ain't work too hard to start over with somebody else. Yeah 100.
Speaker 1:I said we didn't put in too much work to start over with somebody else. Yes, I ain't gonna get ain't. No way I'm gonna get that mad that I'm gonna start over with somebody else, come on, come on.
Speaker 2:That just don't make no sense. We didn't put in too much time, they got through too much stuff and then got to know each other too well to start over. Now and then too. Man, I'm not trying to give up half Come listen. Look y'all jokers man y'all be messing around too much. I'm not trying to give up half.
Speaker 1:I'm like we gonna work through this.
Speaker 2:I told Tim baby, we gonna work this out at all costs. So we got a man up as men, we got a man up number one. So look, when we're down and you know you wrong, we got to admit it, confess that thing now and then work through the process. Come on, it's worth it.
Speaker 1:It is, it's worth it, and I'll wrap up with this. I was listening to Jay Monte. He's a rapper Christian rapper and he was, and one of his songs it was called Free Me and he was talking about how his wife he and his wife was having some issues and he had just signed a major record deal or whatever and he was going through a divorce and so he was putting it on social media. They went to court and got it. Fine, he was celebrating and he said people was getting behind them and said yeah, we glad you got out of that situation so the Lord can really use you. And he got convicted because he was like before I was even saved, she was the one who was down for me when I ain't have nowhere to stay.
Speaker 1:I was sleeping on her couch. When we had our kids, one of them married, she was the one working two jobs and now I think I could do a little better. And he was like he said it took me getting at the end of myself to realize my part, that I played in that and now I have to start over. And he, like man, I would have never. If I would have known what I know now, I would have never went through with that, but sometimes it seems like the easiest route and I never wanna discount any horrendous situation that deserves and every right to be out of that. But when you actually this podcast is do the work, and when you do the work it works.
Speaker 2:It does, it does, it works and it's not perfect.
Speaker 1:It's not without flaws or anything, but it's better.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, I look at it, man. Everything is designed to be worked out.
Speaker 1:Come on, come on.
Speaker 2:Everything, everything is designed to be worked out. It's up to us to make the choice if we're gonna work it out or some stuff. You worked it out, you tried it, it ain't just not happening.
Speaker 1:But you gotta do the work through the process to get there To figure out if it's gonna work out or not.
Speaker 2:I had one brother. He was like man, I'm gonna get a pre-numptual agreement, we gonna before I get married. I ain't trying. And I'm thinking to myself I'm like bro, you literally okay if it don't work out. That's what you're saying.
Speaker 1:If it don't work out.
Speaker 2:I gotta plan B and I feel like, as brothers, we try to. It is men, it's a man thing. We want that plan B Cause I do that work. I'm saying, okay, if I don't sell that, I got plan B, this gonna work, I'm gonna go to that'll work. But sometimes you can't have a plan B like that. Come on and I feel like marriage is designed for you. If that's the one, you didn't supposed to been to pray to God about it and you know she the one, she the one. But that production, the agreements and all that, if it don't work out, you setting yourself up. Setting yourself up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, setting you up, I'll say this, man when it comes to marriage and when it comes to you know, knowing each other, and building that thing and being there it's.
Speaker 1:I think of the scriptures where it says everything you say, everything is to be worked out. I think of the scripture where the Lord says let us reason together. Even God wants to work some stuff out with us. I think of the scriptures where it says if you disagree with your brother, go to your brother, talk it out with him. If it don't work, grab another brother, talk it out with him again. If that don't work, grab the whole community and talk it out again. And so the scripture is replete with examples of hey, y'all, we got to figure this out. I was figured out.
Speaker 1:Paul right into the different churches look, y'all, I've been hearing some stuff. We got to get this together and figure it out. Paul with Barnabas and Silas. He like look, he can't come with me. Barnabas like hey, man, come on, bring him, bring him, bring Peter with you. Paul like nah, man, I ain't bringing that joker with me because last time he bailed on me and he and Barnabas had to figure it out. And Barnabas is like hey, he'll roll with me then. You know what I'm saying. And Paul like let him roll with you then.
Speaker 1:And I think about Paul and Peter. Peter. He want to be with the Jews when the Jews is around. He want to be with the Gentiles when the Gentiles is around. And Paul called them on it. Paul's like look, bro, we got to figure this out because you, being two-faced, you want to be with the Gentiles when the Jews ain't looking and you want to be with the Jews when they come around. He like, look, man, we're going to. Let's reason to, let's get this figured out. And I feel like so many times we quick the right people off.
Speaker 2:Yeah, man, instead of figuring it out Instead of figuring it out. And I use that a lot in a lot of my sessions, because in counseling, because what happens is when I say figure it out, figuring it out may be calling it quits in certain situations, or figuring it out means it worked out the way it's supposed to work out, but we get so often where we'll table it and not come back to it. You know you can figure it out.
Speaker 2:You table the situation, whatever that situation is, but you never dealt with it. It's like boom, it's there, you know it's there. So therefore, you did all of a sudden having these issues keep coming around to it, but you ain't figured it out.
Speaker 1:So you kind of figure that thing out, man.
Speaker 2:And you know so. That's important in marriage. Man Don't table it and leave it there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know figure it out, figure that thing out, do the work, do the work. I love that. I think that's important, man, and we'll write right up there. Don't table it, do the work. And that's with anything I think of. You know, when you got two people that bring trauma to the relationship, don't table that trauma. Do the work. You may not be ready right now, but do the work.
Speaker 1:When you got an argument, cause we, we, we, we built those walls to where, okay, this is off limits. You know, your mom, my mother-in-law, she off limits. No, let's figure this out. How are we going to coexist on Thanksgiving without going at each other? Let's figure this out, because the solution might be they got to come to us, we can't go to them. Yeah, the solution might be okay, we need to take a break from them all together. But let's figure it out so that we're on the same page and we come to an understanding and not just, okay, we just not going to talk about that and how she talking and how she doing. And you know, and my wife and I, she, my dad was a dude. He just said some off to all our stuff. My dad was dude, was crazy, my wife had just had a baby and my dad was like you don't lose that baby, wait anytime soon. And she immediately looked at me and I was just like, yeah, hey, what mom cook man.
Speaker 1:Well, and so she ain't saying nothing. But when we got back to our room she was like you need to talk to your dad. And I was like well, I'm a, I'm a table, that, and we gon figure it out. And then the next time we came around she was like no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not going over there until you talk to him, because it's only so much I can handle with his jabs. And if it's innocent and it's oblivious to him, then we, you know, we need to figure that out, but we need to say something. No, no, no, no. You need to say something, especially your daddy.
Speaker 1:And so I you know, me and my dad sitting on the porch with our dunk and coffee and I'm like dad you know, my wife really didn't appreciate, you know, being called fat and so many words, and especially after just, you know, giving it, and he, aw, man, she be all right. No, no, dad, she she's not all right. And I'm like dad, you know, I asked the Holy spirit to help me articulate it to my father in a way that was both honoring and receptive. And so the Lord reminded me of a situation that happened at church, with some church hurt, and I said, dad, you remember when, uh, when the man we were doing, we were, uh, the man was getting together, having a man's meeting, and uh, somebody suggested that you, you know, have one of the parts in the in the service.
Speaker 1:And uh, one of the other brothers said, oh well, you know, mcgee can't read that. Well, we don't want him getting up on there stumbling over words and stuff. And he, oh, yeah, yeah, I can't believe. He said that, I can't believe that that brother know that one Christ life. And I was like dad, that's kind of how she felt in this situation Like you, you, you stab during the way. That was kind of like little, little shady. And he was like oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh yeah, I didn't even mean it like that. I was just trying to. You know, talk to the young lady, you know, and you know how we joking our fan. I'm like bruh, she in you in law, she ain't in like she didn't grow up in our household, I mean my dad.
Speaker 1:We grew up in a relationship, we a Johnny Justin, yeah, hey, boy, if you don't get your dad, you don't get your old, and that's how we buzz. Her dad would never talk to her that way. You know, my dad, we, all men, it was just all boys and my dad, I mean my mom, all boys so and I was like dad, like, but she didn't take it like that, she took it like you took it when the men was making fun of you and your speech and your reading and stuff. And he like, okay, okay, so, oh, I'm going to apologize to her when she come back over. I'm like I'm going to bring her because she won't come. I'm going to bring her home. And my dad, he apologized, yeah, and and and.
Speaker 1:But I had to. To your point, if I had never figured that out, my wife would have never went back over to my parents' house and I would. You know what I would have did? I would, I would have dropped her off at her parents and I would have slid over to mine by myself. Yeah, and I would have learned how to live without ever dealing with the issue.
Speaker 1:But just that would have became our new normal. Our new normal would have been like well, you know my wife don't deal with y'all. That would have been normal. Yeah, you know your funny acting wife, when she ready to come over, tell her she welcome. But but it was on me and on us to figure that out, and that's good. And that's why I said, bro, that that's a gym. We got to not let we can't table things and never come back to it, because if we don't, we make that our normal and wonder why things are the way that they are Because we never went back to it. So, bro, I appreciate you. Man, man, listen, you got so much wisdom and gems, bro.
Speaker 2:You, you, what you talking about, bro. I appreciate being here. You doing some things, man, and this is a platform for this, you know. I appreciate it's a need, it's a need for it. You know, and I pray blessings over you and your household, your family, your ministry what God is doing? Yeah, some open doors. I believe God opened some doors. Come on, just going to blow things wide open for your family, for you and for your family, man. So God bless you.
Speaker 1:Man, yeah, man. But look, man, this ain't going to be the last time you know where I live in.
Speaker 2:This is not going to be the last time we have AP three on witness man.
Speaker 1:And so, look, man, I appreciate you, I love you and I want to say, man, god bless you and inspire whole ministries in the quarter household man, Love, love, All right bro.