#24. Hardships & Healing as Spiritual Lessons with Samira Ghassemian | Part 1

In this dynamic conversation with Spiritual Healing Guide, Samira Ghassemian, we explore both the dark and light aspects of the human experience*. Samira opens her heart to share some of the darkest, most challenging times in her life and how they’ve led her on a journey of healing, awakening, and self-actualization like no other. She also shares the techniques and mental frameworks that have assisted her throughout her healing journey.

Samira is a Healer with a wide array of modalities in her toolkit: Past Life Regression Therapy, Reiki Energy Healing, Hypnotherapy, and Shipibo Shamanic Plant Medicine. Whether working with herself or with a client, Samira is a master at blending all of these tools to find the greatest healing possible.

In this episode of “It’s All Magic”, which is Part 1 of our 2-part conversation, we explore Samira’s own personal story, journey, and beliefs. To dive deeper into the healing modalities that Samira practices, come back next week for Part 2 of the conversation!

*TRIGGER WARNING: In this episode, we discuss sexual assault, healing from childhood trauma, and grief from losing loved ones. If you are sensitive to conversation around these topics, please feel free to skip this episode and come back again next week!

Check out Samira’s website and offerings: https://www.weatherandtide.com/
(Use the discount code “ALLMAGIC” for 20% off Samira’s offerings!)

Check out Samira’s personal Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/samira.in.wonderland/?hl=en

Check out Samira’s health service Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/weatherandtide/?hl=en

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Podcast cover art by Brooke Baker

Music by RØRE

Transcript

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my power. Had been taken away from me. I very much had this perception of. Like these people took. My power away from me. And what I recognized was. Like. No one can ever do that. No one can ever do that. My power has always. Been there waiting for me to. Step up and. Reclaim it. So I'm going to reclaim that now. And part of me reclaiming that. Is. Letting go. Of this story that. I've been telling myself and being the author of my own story. Deciding what. Things look like from this day forward. Hello, my friends. Welcome to It's All Magic. I am your guide, your host and your friend, Devon Heyn. And here we'll be discussing how to make your life truly feel like magic. I believe that our very existence on earth is nothing less than a miracle. And that we all have so much potential to learn, to grow, to experience and to create during our short time here. It is both my passion and my pleasure to walk this path of life optimization by your side. We will discuss topics like passion, purpose, intuition, manifestation, physical well-being, and much, much more. I'm a yoga teacher, a meditation and breathwork facilitator, and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach. But more importantly, I am an eternal optimist, a lover of life and a forever student. It is my hope that with each and every episode, you too will finally start to believe it really is all magic after all. Ready to dive in? Let's do it. Hello, my friends, and welcome back to another magical episode of It's All Magic. Thank you for being here. Thank you for choosing this episode or clicking on this YouTube video. I know there are endless options out there these days, so it really means the world to me that you chose to be here right now with me. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Today we are going on a ride. We are literally going on a journey. I sit down with Sugimura Ga Semyon. Who is this masterful storyteller? She opens up her heart for us to explore some of the deepest, darkest nights of her soul. But also, we end up venturing into higher realms, planes and dimensions by the end of the conversation. So you'll definitely have to buckle up your seat belt because it is quite the ride and it's a really illuminating one. I had such a good time with The Mirror when we sat down in my humble recording studio here in my apartment. Neither one of us had any idea that we would record for just under two and a half hours, which is exactly why I am breaking this episode into two parts. So if you are currently listening or watching this, this is part one and then you can come back next week for part two where we finish up the conversation. So before we dive into part one of the conversation in just a moment, I, of course, want to open us up to a little bit of breathing. I always like to guide a little breathwork at the beginning of these episodes because first of all, I think we all need it. And second of all, it helps us to energetically bring ourselves together. Right now you are just a listener, either working out, going for a walk, doing the dishes, sitting at your table, and I am just a podcaster, sitting in a chair, staring at a camera, speaking into a microphone. But after we breathe, I feel that we almost become one entity, which is exactly as it should be. We are one community, one people. are the it's all magic people. So the breathing that I'd like us to do today is very simple, yet very powerful. It is before a78 breath. So what makes this breathing pattern so powerful is that we are exhaling twice as long as we're inhaling. And whenever we extend the exhale past the inhale, we help to calm our nervous systems very quickly because that signals to our body that we are not in survival mode. So the way this breathing pattern works is that we are going to inhale through the nose for a count of four. Hold at the top for count of seven and then slow exhale out of the mouth with this OWS shaped mouth as if you're blowing through a straw for a count of eight. We're going to do that five rounds and on the other side, you might feel a little bit more calm, a little bit more peaceful. It will be lovely. So if you'd like to go ahead and close your eyes now, you can do so. Just getting comfortable if you're taking that option. And let's just take one cleansing breath together before we begin the four, seven, eight. So emptying out from your previous breath here and then inhaling through the nose, filling up all the way and open mouth, let it all go and begin the breath. I'll breathe with you. Inhale for four. Hold for seven. Exhale for eight. And again. Inhale for four. Hold for seven. Slow. Exhale for eight. And again. Inhale for four. Hold for seven. Slow exhale for eight. Second to last round. Inhale for four. Hold for seven. Slow. Exhale free. Final round. Deepest yet. Inhale for four. Hold for seven. Slow. Exhale for eight. Breathing normally in and out of the nose. And fluttering. Open your eyelids if you got the chance to close them. my goodness. Well, I already feel like I just went on a trip, so I'm ready for yet another. And without further ado, my friends, I hope you enjoy the conversation, and I will see you on the other side. One last thing before we get into the conversation is a trigger warning For those of you who are sensitive to conversation around sexual assault, trauma or even grief from losing a loved one. Please be aware that that is coming in this conversation. So if you have to click away from this episode, I completely understand and I hope to see you again next week. Okay, friends now. Let's get on into the conversation. See you on the other side. Hello, my friends, and welcome back to another magical episode of It's All Magic. I personally am doing great today because I have a very, very special guest with me. If you are a religious listener of It's All Magic, you probably will have heard the episode about my past life regression experience. If you did, you're in luck because the facilitator that guided me through that is here with us today. And she is absolutely amazing. Today we will be hearing from none other than Sameera Jesse Mian. Hi, Samir. How you. Doing? Hi, David. I'm so good. my gosh. How's your day been? What? What feelings are you going through? What vibes are you feeling today? I feel like I'm just. Very much going with the flow. I love. That. And that. That to me, always feels the best. Yeah. Yeah, It's been. It's been a good. Day so far. I feel like the. Sun finally came. Out. You know that that always signifies something for me is exactly. It's perfect that we went from rain to sun at the exact moment we started this podcast. I know, I know. I love. That coincidence. Some might say not. I don't believe in those. I don't think those exist. I completely agree. So I want to kick this off with the question that I ask all of my guests, which is for you, what makes life truly feel like magic? Wow, wow, wow, wow. What makes life truly feel like magic? I think the word. That comes to mind is alignment. Like being. In alignment and congruence. With yourself, whatever. That means and. Whatever that looks like. Because for me, whenever I feel like I'm. In alignment with my. Fullest self, feel like that's when life gets the most. Magical and that's when I'm. Just surrounded by synchronicities and everything just feels. Like it flows. And like all these. Little miracles are occurring all. Around me. Yeah. So yeah. It's so true. Even one of the stories that you just told Cal and I in the kitchen that we'll have to recount at some point later in this episode. But you're so right. It's like when we actually start following those bread bread crumbs. More up here and suddenly it's like doors are opening that you didn't even know existed and things just work. Yeah, absolutely. And I feel like it's like Spirit is always trying to communicate with us. Yeah. And when we start. To notice and tune. In spirits like, yes, finally. Yeah. I've been waiting for you to see the sign or hear the message. And now that I know. That you're. Listening. Here's some more. Exactly. So well-said. So before we dive into your story, your healing journey, all that good stuff, can you just share a little bit more about what you do? Because obviously, Cal and I experience a past life regression with you, but I know that is one of many modalities you work with. So what do you do as a mirror? Yeah. So what I've been calling myself. As of late is a spiritual healing guide. And the reason for this is, you know, I could. Call myself a million things. I could call myself a healer, whatever I want to say. But I feel to me, Spiritual Healing Guide puts it more in the perspective of that. I'm just here guiding you. Cause I really, really believe that we're all healers. And that when. We experience healing, whether that's. On our own or with. A facilitator, it's not the facilitator. That's doing the healing, it's us. Yeah. And so. Yeah, for. A long time I did. Identify as a healer. But I think what resonates more now. Is. A healing guide. Because I'm just here to guide you to provide the support that you need to empower you with tools so that you. Can activate and embody your own inner. Healer. That's inside every one of us. So within that, I. Do work. With quite a few modalities. Yeah. So primarily right now, yes. Working with past life regression, as you mentioned, other forms of. Hypnotherapy as well. I'm trained in. Reiki, I work. With plant. Medicine. And then I. Work with some somatic tools as well. Okay. So a little of everything. Yeah. And that's my my goal is to have a really. Comprehensive. Background so that I. Can. Work with people in the ways that feel supportive. For them. Yeah, because. I know and for me, a huge part of my healing journey, which I'm. Sure we'll get. Into. Is. Working with plant. Medicine. Yes. And I. Also. Recognize that there's many. People who don't feel called to. That path or who. Maybe it's not right for them. And so I remember having a moment after. Like a really. Profound healing experience that I had working with plant medicine where I. Was like. I want to be able to share this with everyone, even the people who. Would never come to have an experience like. This. And so. I just tried to really have. As much in my tool kit as I can. So that when somebody comes to. Me feeling a call. To work with me, I have. As many options. Available to me to work with that. Person as. Possible. And of course there's like a million more. Things I want to study. I know we were talking about that like there's so many more things on. The list, and I know. That there will. Be a time. That. Comes when I can dive a. Little bit deeper. But for now, these are. The main modalities I'm working with. I love that. I honestly feel like there's a much needed movement in kind of the healing space where facilitators, practitioners are just adding more and more tools to their toolkit. I feel like there was a time, even if we look at the corporate world, like there was a time where people had one career their entire lives and that's not the case anymore. Yeah, and I feel like within the healing space though, that the more tools we have, as you said, the more supported we are. And even as we were talking about beforehand that we'll read a book or go through a training and you start to feel like, this modality, is it like this is the one everyone needs. And then at a different season of life, you actually need something else. And so if I'm really into calming breath works and then I go through a time of depression and lethargy and I need something to wake up my spirits again, I need to choose a different tool in the tool kit. So I'm here for it is what I'm trying to say. Yeah, I love that. And I think you highlighted. Something so important, and. I just this. Has been me my entire. Life, even outside of the realm of spirituality and healing. I've just always. Been someone who's kind of. All over the place with. My interests. And hobbies and. Passions and, you know, I always think of that. That phrase like a jack of all trades is master of none. And I feel. You know, yes. There's absolutely a value. And importance. To really. Honing in on one. Specific. Skill and mastering that. And if that's your path, that's beautiful. That's never been my path. Yes, that's never been my path. And I don't. Think it ever will be. And yeah, it just everybody has different needs and everybody has a different life path. And what works for one. Person might not work for another, but I know. For me, I really like to work. With people in a. Holistic way. And so. I'm not wanting to. Just be a rake. Practitioner and only work with people in that one way. Or to just be a past life regression facilitator and only work with people in that way. I want to. Work with the whole person. I want to have. Ways that I can support them through every. Season of their journey. Totally, whatever that looks like. So yeah. That's, that's been my path. I know it's quite different than a lot of other people in this space, but it's what works for me. Yes, Well, everything you're saying I resonate with. So you're not alone. Yeah. So speaking of you being this multi-talented, multi passionate being that you are, I know that you're also a dancer. You're in the performing arts, you studied fashion design, and now you're talking about plant medicine and Reiki. So let's kind of walk through this journey a little bit. Yeah. How does someone go from those interests transition into the healing space? And yet I also just learned that you are still teaching dance at this children's center. So walk us through that. Path a little bit. Yeah. That's so funny. I wasn't sure if you knew about the fashion design back out or not, but. I did a deep dive. My private. Yeah. So. Well, first I'll just start from the very beginning. I started dancing at a really young age. I was like two and a half. While my first dance classes, which is amazing because right now that's some of the ages that I'm teaching, right? And so I have these moments in these classes where I'm like, This was me, you know, like this little kid is like, completely in their own world, like, not following the steps at all. And I know how that was me and the dance class. So it's really sweet. It feels very full circle. And then, yeah, I went on to continue dancing. I danced competitively. I know you mentioned you did. As well. In my adolescence and. Then musical theater. And acting came in around like middle. School. For me. Okay. And that was like the passion. I really thought I wanted to be an. Actress a long time, which I. I think back on that. Now, and I'm. Like, that is absolutely hilarious. That was the path that I wanted to take. Like, I thought that I wanted to, like. Moved to. L.A. and be in movies and I can't imagine a worse life. Right, Right. So than that, especially if you I think on that track what success looks like for a lot of people is like becoming famous. Yeah. And I think being famous, there's nothing I want less than that. Right. Thank you. That's a hard pass for me. But when I was younger, that was. You know, that was appealing. Yeah. And it's so funny because in this moment I'm thinking about that and I'm like. That was that was just the part of me that really wanted external validation of, like, you are good enough and you are worthy and you are beautiful. Because if I was able to like, succeed in that path, that that would mean all of those things. Yeah, which is hilarious because like, there's. So many other. Avenues to that and all and it all had to come from inside. But at that time, you know, I didn't know that. And so yeah, I from there I, I'll, I'll jump back a little bit. The very. First career that I wanted to have. Like, you know, when you're like, you know, in. Kindergarten. And they. Ask you, what do you want to be when you grow up? Was fashion. Designer. Wow. So that. Was always. There. And I always. Had that. Creativity. And I. Loved to, like. Make things with my hands and. But. You know. I would continuously get pulled in all these other directions. There was a point where. I wanted to be a professional dancer. And I remember having a moment of, like, you know, I'm 15 and at the level I'm currently at, I am not good enough. To be a professional dancer. I would have to be way ahead of where I. Am now for that to even be possible. And so I kind of gave up on that. Dream, so to speak. And then it was the acting and I went. On to become a professional. Dancer in a very. Different capacity. Than I'd ever seen for myself. So around the age of 20. I felt very. Drawn. To like the rave. Scene and go go dancing. And I had. Started going. To. Nightclubs and raves and seeing. These dancers on stage and thinking. I could do that. And I went on to just get, you know, a really shit job for. The first the first time around. But I have no no problem saying that. Yeah, I started out getting paid like basically nothing and dancing at these like really small warehouse. Raves in Oakland. Wow. But I stuck with it. And I got an incredible opportunity to dance with one of the biggest companies. Here in the Bay Area. And I was on stage with some of the most famous deejays. You could imagine, like people that I really, really looked up to and was huge fans of in front of like 15,000 people kind of thing, right? Yes. And so I continued on with that for. Close to a decade. Okay. Somewhere in there. I decided to go to fashion school. And that actually came I was. Working with Iraqi Healer. In my early twenties, and this was. At a time. When I. Was. Just not in a good. Place at all. But I had started working with this healer. And. She asked me this question that just like totally changed. Everything for me. And she's like, What do you want to do if there's no limitations, if there's. Nothing else that you. Have to figure out, what is it that you. Want to do? And I said, I want to study fashion design. And she said, Well, why don't you do it? And I said, Because it's too late. I'm too old. Like, I had this idea. In my head. And the same thing with the. Dancing, with the acting. With all of it was like, if I were going to pursue this, I should have started. 20 years ago. Like, this should have been something that I was. Doing from a super. Young age. I should already know how to sew, I should already. Know how to make. Clothes. And she was like. None of this is true. This is all this. Is all in your head. None of this is true. You can go do that if that's. What you want to. Do. And so. Yeah, that was like a full circle moment of you're right, I. Can actually. Do this. So I. Got an internship at a costume company and they taught me kind of the. Basics of sewing and. Just to help me get. Prepared. And then I went to fashion school. And while. All of these things do seem. Very unrelated to the work that. I do now. They were absolutely. Part of my healing journey. In their own way. Especially my time at fashion school. So I studied at. The Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandizing in San Francisco, and I started there when I was probably around 23. Okay, who's there from age 23 to 25? And that experience for me was so. Healing in so many ways. Because. I was surrounded by artists. I was surrounded. By people who felt their feelings, who use. Their feelings. To create art. And I was very. Strongly encouraged. By. My. Teachers to put something real into what I was creating. Like it wasn't just about like making cute clothes, right? it was put your. Heart and soul into. This. And so I felt like for the first. Time in my. Life, I had. Permission. To tap into all of the spaces that I. Had been suppressing and avoiding for so long. Yeah. And to see them in a different light, to see them. As something that could be. Alchemist into something. Else. Yes. And so, yeah, it was it was a hugely. Healing experience for me. I remember by the end of it and this will kind of segue into like my spiritual awakening, the beginning of my healing journey, but my. Life was just absolutely. Falling apart. I was. In a. Really just not good. Relationship. Very emotionally abusive. Partner. And just. All around. Not not right. And it wasn't working. But somehow I still thought like. That we were going to get married or something, which is so wild to think back on. But yeah, that relationship was just it fell. Apart in a. Really. Kind of. Big climactic way. And I. Was right. Around the end. Of. My. Program. And I was getting ready to. Like. Create my final. Collection. And finish. Up school. And I had this moment where I. Was just like, absolutely shattered. I was so shattered, I had. Nothing left in me. And I. Was looking. At, you know, all. These pieces of. Fabric patterns. On the. Table. And just realizing there's. There's no way. That I'm going to be able to finish this. And I was I was curled up. In a ball underneath. A table. And I was I. Had been by myself in the room. I just was like it was really I was really going through it. So I'm just sitting underneath this table, curled up in a ball. And one of my teachers. Walks. In and I kind of like go. Into like a little like freeze because I'm like, shit. Like, she's going to see me under the table. Like, this is super weird. But she came over and she. She like. Crouched down and she's like. What are you doing. Down. Here? And I was just started. Crying and I like, unloaded everything. And I told her, like, I. Don't. I'm not going to be able to finish and I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out. I feel like such a failure. Everything in my life is falling. Apart and I have. No idea how to even just, like. Stand up on my own two. Feet. Right now, let alone. How to make all of these clothes and finish everything that. I need to. Do to graduate. But I can't see any possibility of me being able to retake these classes. And I just have no idea what to do. Yeah. And fit in is a notoriously tough school. Like they're they're. Kind people. But they're very. Much in the mindset of. We are preparing you to go into the real world, to have a. Career in the fashion industry and in the. Fashion industry. You don't get to curl up under. The table. In a ball and have a meltdown, right? You know. Like you you get it. Done however you need to get it done. And so I was kind of expecting to be. Met maybe with that type. Of energy. And instead. I was met with just pure. Compassion and empathy. And she was like, okay, we're going to help you figure this out. And she made an appointment for me to. Go see, like the head of. The department. And I. Remember sitting in her office and. Just like. Telling her everything that was happening in my life and I'm like. Sobbing. And at some point. I realized that she's. Sobbing, too. And she. Was like, She just. Saw me, you know, in that moment, she. Really. Saw me and she was. Like, I see how much you're suffering. And I see that like, you're you're. In this moment in your life. Where you thought. That things were going to work out one way and they didn't. And I'm going to help you out. And so they they created some. Sort of. You know. Loophole that made it so that I had. An extension. To like a whole, like quarter's worth. Extension, but I didn't have to retake my. Classes. So it was just it was like. At that point I hadn't. Ever experienced that level of. Compassion and kindness and especially from such an. Unexpected place. And I feel like just that that experience. Of being seen in that way and supported in that way. Really, really. Opened something up for me. To where I, I was able to start healing. And for me in the beginning, a lot of that was just letting myself. Feel, wow, there was so. Much, there was so much to feel. So much grief, so much trauma, so much fear. Shame, all of it. But that was really what opened up the path. And so this is why I say I know I came out of that experience. I was like, you know, I don't actually want. To work in the fashion. Industry. Wow. And there's a part of me, you know, especially in our society. Like you go to school and study so that you can go get a career. In that thing. And it's seen as like if you don't end up doing that. You wasted your time or you failed or whatever it is. But for me, I feel like it's. Not any of those things. I'm like, I. Had to go through that experience. Yes. It wasn't so that. I would end up becoming a fashion designer, but it. Was so that I would. Find myself like find these forgotten parts of. Myself and start this journey of like, letting myself. Feel all of these things that I'd. Been avoiding for so long so that I could come out on the other. Side, right? my God. I think, first of all, thank you for sharing that story. I can just feel that you still feel those emotions even when revisiting that time and the fact that that teacher really was an angel put in your path. Yeah, but she. I believe the female was there to help you take the next steps when you couldn't on your own. Yeah. There were so many angels in that. Experience and it's it's crazy. I actually haven't really thought about. These memories in a long time. How to revisit that. I'm I'm like, wow. But yeah, there's, there's still a part of me that's just so touched and so moved, by the way that these. Women. Showed up for me. Yeah, because I was just a. Student, you know, I. Was just a. Student of theirs. And they've had. Countless students. And like I. Said, they're there to help you prepare. For the real world. But that was what I needed. And so to receive what I. Needed in that moment, I. Truly feel like it was a. Form of divine intervention. Yes. And what in that experience helped you come to the revelation of I don't actually want to do this as a career? I don't think. There was anything. Specific. I think that, you know, I. Graduated school. And at that point it. Was just very, very clear. To me that I needed to. Heal. And I had. No idea what that looked like. And it was kind of scary because I had spent a lot. Of my life just like burying things, like putting things in like a metaphorical box. In my brain and like, shoving them in the corner and being like. We're just not going to talk about that or think about that, thinking that that was going to work. But yeah, I just I knew that I had to to take care. Of myself and to prioritize taking care of myself. For at least a little. While and ended up being a longer while than that. Yeah. And yeah. Just somewhere along the way I think I started to. Connect. With a deeper purpose. And it. Just never really resonated to go. I had thoughts of. Wanting to maybe start my own clothing line. But there was no. No resonating in terms. Of like going to get a job at some. Established company in the industry. I kind of thought, maybe I'll forge my own path. With this. And I'm still. Open to the. Possibility, very much so that that. One day, that fashion design. Experience will. Come into. Play. Yeah, in my business and my path now. But at least at the, at. This moment in time, it's, it's not at the forefront. Yeah. And I also love what you had said about even if you don't use your degree or you take a training and you don't end up using that modality, it still happened for a reason. I mean, in my own personal path, pretty much the first training I ever did was my yoga teacher training, and I was 19 years old and it spurred open this entire new world to me. It was my great awakening. It was me coming into myself. I remember it was the first time in my life when I stopped wearing makeup every day because I finally felt confident. And this vibrance from the inside out, I mean, it it changed my whole world. And I have barely taught yoga yet. And when I first did it, I felt like, I'm going to become a yoga teacher. And then I found pretty quickly that teaching yoga wasn't my path, but that yoga is also so much more than the poses as we know. It's a way of life. It's a lens through which you see the world. And so I'm so grateful that little dev took that training, even if it quote unquote, didn't become my career, because in so many ways it's it's become everything but that. Yeah, yeah, I love that. I think that's the case for so many people. Yeah. And I have some cousins who are who are younger. Who are kind of like, you know. Either they're in college or they're just. About to finish. College. And so they're thinking about. Like the rest of their lives and what they want to do. And the one thing I always tell. Them is, by the way, you get to change your. Mind as many times. As you want. You know, like whatever whatever it is that you decide. Right now. That's not a life. Sentence. You get to. Change your mind. And I think so many of. Us need. To hear that more and more to have that permission of like, you don't have to stick with the thing. Just because at. One point this one version of. You decided like, this is. Going to be. It. Yes, we're constantly. Changing and we're constantly evolving and something. Can be a super valuable part of. Your journey and not necessarily mean that you need to practice it professionally. Or stick with it for a. Long. Time. Yes, I completely agree. And I almost feel like resilience is having the courage to change your mind or to simply follow another path. Because even as I had told you a little bit in the kitchen before we recorded that, I had this whole health and wellness and spirituality business set up. I had taught my own wellness course. It was the six week course I'd spent like ten months building it out and then I had to market it and then I had to teach it. And at the end of that class, this was back in August of 2021. I hit one of the lowest lows of my life because when it finally finished and I had thought teaching courses back to back was going to be my thing. I've always loved teaching, speaking on things I love, but I had this epiphany of, my God, that wasn't it. That wasn't what I thought it would be in terms of the feeling I was craving, you know, I was feeling craving that, my gosh, I had this amazing experience and these students lives were changed and the students did love it. Yeah. And yet their words didn't even impact me in the way I thought they would, because something about that path wasn't it? And so I went through, I mean, some dark months, soul searching, just grasping for anything. And it was at that point where I decided, what if I tried the complete opposite of what I've done? What if I try that corporate thing? And it started out as a joke with Cal because I had always been that person of like, I will never sell my soul to the devil, like to anti the man I'm, you know, forging my own path. And I thought, you know what? I'll give it a shot and give it a shot. I learned a lot in that year and a half. And then I realized my soul belongs elsewhere. Like I in the same way you said you were starting to open up to this greater purpose, It became very clear to me that by me staying in this role, that is not meant for me. It's actually the most selfish thing I could do because I firmly believe, as I know you do, that we all came here for a reason and I would not be fulfilling my duty that I signed up to embark on when I came. And so I decided to to pivot. And so this is kind of the beginning of my next path. And so I think just as you so eloquently showed in your story, I think having the courage to pivot or to even look at yourself in the mirror and say, well, that's not it, I don't know what is, but I'm willing to explore. Like, that's courage, that's resilience. Yeah. Thank you. And, you know, I didn't always have that. I really did. In the. Beginning. It was so hard for me. And I think especially with my dad. Yeah, I had a really hard. Time with that. Because there would be these. Points. Like I remember at one point. I was really. Struggling in school. This was before I. Went to Vietnam and I was just going to a community college in Southern California. But I was just I was so depressed, really, really depressed. It had been really for most of my life. But at that point especially, I. Was really. Going through it. And I remember telling him like, I don't think that it's right for me to be in school right now. And him just it there's no other option. You have to stay in school. Because he was so worried that if I took. A break from school, I would never go. Back to it. Right. And so it's it's so funny because I'm like, now at this point in my life, like, what was he going to do, force me to go to school? But just that enough alone. Was for me to be like, okay. I guess I don't have another choice, so I'm going to keep going to school. And lo and. Behold, I failed every single class because. As I already knew, I. Was not in a. Space. Set up to succeed in school. Yeah. So I did end up taking a break at that point. Not really asking for permission, but just doing it. And I went back to school. When I was. Actually ready and I got fantastic grades. And I was really interested in the things. That I was studying. And it got me on track. To go to fit. Home and. Graduate from the school that I'd really wanted to go to since. I was like 13 or 14 years. Old. So I, I wasn't confident. Enough in myself to like. Make those choices that early. In my. Life. But the more that I saw the outcome of. Not honoring those choices, the more I recognized. Well, like, if I don't. Have it in me, I don't have it in me yet. And it's not just going to miraculously happen because I don't want to let someone down and that someone was always my dad. Yeah. And so, you know, when I mentioned that I made that. Choice to prioritize. My healing, I remember sitting in a in a restaurant with my dad. It was a. Thai restaurant actually. Sitting across from him and telling him I need to prioritize my mental. Health. It's like, okay, well, what does that mean? I was like, I don't really know. I just know that. I can't keep doing things like this. Yeah. It's not it's not going to work out. Like I really was at a point where it was so clear that I had spent so much of my life. Suffering and not dealing with things and not having the. Support that I needed to deal with things. Yeah. And I just. Needed to make. That choice. And I think that was kind of the first time that. I was. Telling not asking. Good for you. And it was. Really from a place of just like absolute necessity and survival and self-preservation. At that point of. Like, I don't have a choice. Yeah, and you might not get it, and that's okay. But I don't have a choice because. I'm I'm 25. I've been. Miserable most of. My life. I've had really, really. Unhealthy patterns in relationships. And I can't. Keep doing this. Like, I literally will. Not survive this life if I keep going like. This. So yeah. And then I think the more. That I practice that. As uncomfortable and scary. As it was. Then the courage came. Then the, then the, the inner resourcing came, the inner validation. That feeling of like, okay, I'm making. The choice that's right for. Me, I'm honoring my path and. However you feel about it. That's cool. That's, that's your business. But that's not my business. My business. Is how I feel. About myself and my life. Because I'm the. Only one living my life. I'm the only one living my life. You can tell me what you think I should be doing, but at the end of day and at the end of. The day, are you going to live my life? Me? No. Yeah. So have your. Opinion. Feel how you want about it. But I have to focus on how I feel about this because it's my journey. Yeah. so well-said. I think people listening, I mean, myself included, will resonate with so many tidbits of what you said. And I think getting to that place where you're seeking your own approval rather than the approval of your parents, your friends, your the society around you, I think we all have to get to that point because, I mean, I've been very much the same in kind of always seeking that approval from both parents and, you know, just trying to live up to their standards that I have created for myself. In a way, it's like they would love me no matter what. And yet we kind of create this definition of what we must be to maintain a certain level of love or acceptance. And I really do think getting to that point of just asking yourself, almost like if if they weren't here at all, what would I want? What would I choose? Who do I want to be? Who do I want to be? And that is, I think, one of the biggest turning points for so many of us. Yeah. So I wanted to ask because you started to allude to this, your spiritual journey, your awakening, your healing journey. I know something on your website that you also just mentioned here. You said on the website that you had a realization one day that you had been running from what haunted you for so long and you hadn't succeeded and you were too tired, to keep running. Yeah. So walk us through that. What was that epiphany like? And I mean, how did you walk through that journey? Yeah, so that was. I mean, at least in my awareness. Like my first big. Dark night of the Soul, and this is around that same period. I described. When I was like 25 and everything just started. Falling apart. Like my whole life was just falling apart around me. I had this, like, on the surface, like really great relationship with this, like, really handsome man. And we were on track for marriage. And then, okay, well, that's not working out. But then I had. Met this other person and I was just like instantly in love with him, like head over heels. I'm absolutely sure that. This is like one of my soul mates and that we've been together in many lifetimes. And he just kind of like. Introduced me to he he really helped me remember who I was. I feel like he held up. The mirror. For me to see, like all of these. Forgotten aspects of myself. And like. Through that. Connection, I fell in love with dance again. Like, I. Become so jaded and. So disconnected from that. And I. Just absolutely, completely fell in love with. Dancing again and like. Really. Got to nurture my creative and artistic. Side. And. All of these beautiful things. And then that apart. And I was like, it was kind of like, you know, as everything else was falling apart around me. He was like, They're like. The sun, like, you know, the glistening sun. I was like, It's okay. Like everything else is dark, but like, he's bare. And then that disappeared. And I was like, okay, now it is just absolute darkness. And I'm just sitting here in, in like the. Rubble of what was once. My life and like. The life that I saw. For myself. And within that. It's so funny because it's like it. Happened on an energetic and. Metaphorical level, but also. In kind of. A literal way as well, where I had experienced a lot. Of trauma, I had a lot of traumatic. Experiences of sexual abuse and sexual assault. Throughout my life. And at that time, you know, there. Were. Several instances. That I was aware of. So they weren't. Repressed. But I had just made. Somewhat of a conscious. Choice to just like, like I said, put it in the box, shove it in the back, like we're just. Not going to look in that box. We're not going to go there. And I think for. A while, because. Things in my life. Were so. Messy and. Chaotic. That was very necessary. And my brain kind of. Allowed me to do that because there was so. Much else going on that it really. Wasn't safe. For me to tap into any of that. But then when it got. To a certain point where things were a little bit more stable, slowly but surely, like there's like. That knock on the. Door of like. Hey, remember me? I'm actually still here. And so these memories started to kind of. Resurface of. These things that I had through. And at the time I did not have. Like the language to say what they were. They were just these shitty. Things that had happened that made me feel. Absolutely horrible. About. Myself. But I could. Not call them. Sexual assault. Could not call them trauma. At that time, we didn't really. Have a strong. Of an understanding. As we do. Now, of. What trauma is. To me, trauma was. Something that. Veterans. Got when they came back. From war, trauma and. PTSD. I had literally only ever heard talked. About in that context. And then there's. Little. Old me and I'm like. What happened to me wasn't really that bad. And maybe I'm just overreacting. Like, that was really how I felt about those things. I was deeply, deeply traumatized. It's crazy to look back. Now knowing what. I do about trauma, because I'm like. my God, I can't imagine a more traumatized person than me from like. Age. You know, 13 to 23. And yeah. I started to. Kind. Of. Reckon with these experiences and look at them. And I had one of these. People like that. I had just tried. To kind of never speak. To. Again, who had consistently. Been. Reaching out to. Me for. Like many. Years. And at one point I would just ignore, I would just ignore, ignore, ignore. And at 1.1 of my. Exes was like, Why don't you. Pretend that he. Has the. Wrong number and then he'll stop trying to contact you? And I'm like, my God. You're a genius. That's brilliant. So like, I had done that whole thing. And so I thought, okay, I'm finally rid of this person. And then in the space of that dark night of the. Soul, he popped back up. And so. This is. What I mean when I say it was. Like they were metaphorically chasing me, but also like. Literally in a way as well, like this person, like continued to resurface. And at that point, yeah, like had contacted me from. Like a. Fake Instagram and I. Knew it was. Him and he ended up telling me it was him and it was just this. Whole just. Really, really difficult. Thing. And during that time when all of. These experiences were. Resurfacing. The word. Trauma. Kept coming into my mind, the word trauma. And again, I did not understand trauma. At all at that. Time, and I didn't think the things that had happened to me were even. Severe or bad. Enough to. Be called trauma. But I couldn't. Shake. That word. And I reached out to a close. Friend of mine who's actually now. A sexual. Abuse attorney. And she she had. You know, started a foundation in her teenage years for abused children. And so she was kind of like the safest person for me to reach out to and just be like, hey, what's the deal with this. Whole trauma thing? And she you know, she explained a little bit to me and I started to kind of do my own research, and I stumbled on this. Article where it was like a psychiatrist or a psychotherapist. Talking about their experience working with. People who had experienced. Trauma. And she. Said that even the people who had experienced the most severe. Trauma. Had this. Perception that what happened to them wasn't really. That bad. And that other. People have it so much worse. This like sense. Of minimizing and invalidating the trauma. Yeah, and I read. That and I was like, I think that's. Me, right? I think that's me. Because you're I'm reading the exact. Internal dialog that I've been having with myself for many, many years. And so coming to that realization of like. Okay, I, I. Can name this now, I can, I can call. This what it. Is, I can call this trauma. And then, you know, working. Through some more layers. And then getting to a point. Where I could call it what it was, I could call it sexual assault. I can call it rape. I remember the first time. That I used that word rape that I, I really was able. To name it. I was writing a poem about and that. Was for me, like art was. My saving grace. Art was where I could pour all of the feelings in. And so I was writing a poem and I used. That word and I was like, Holy shit. I've been denying. This for at that point. You know. Five or six years probably, I was. In denial that that. Was what. Had happened to me. But being able to finally name it. And then the. Next phase was like. Being able to name it to another person. And. Telling my best friend like, Hey, this happened to me. Yeah. And then, you know. Through through that I feel through. Letting. Myself really just call it what it was. And be honest with myself and to recognize. That I. Wasn't a. Person who was overreacting or making a. Big deal out of things. I was a person who had experienced. Something severely traumatic. Yeah. Multiple times. And that I was it broke in, but that I needed support. I needed support. And working through. That, I wasn't going to be able to go through. That on my own. Yeah. And then. The support. Started showing up. You know. I feel so often there's that, that. Saying of like when the student is ready. The teacher appears. Yeah. That was so much. Of my healing journey and my spiritual. Path and I would really say those two things are deeply. Intertwined because. It was through that process of like. Coming to terms. With those experiences. And then also at the same time like starting to. Recognize, Wow, I don't love myself at all. In fact, I. Probably kind of hate myself. And I didn't even know. That there was a world where I was allowed to love myself because all I see. Are a million reasons. Why I shouldn't. But starting to kind of go into this. Process of. Being on my own and learning about myself and learning about my needs and kind of dating myself in a way. Was really. Where. My spiritual. Awakening started. To. Happen. And I started. To. Connect. With all of these. You know, fragmented and. Repressed aspects. Of myself and my. Experiences. And to connect. With my higher self and to start to see the. Signs and start to recognize, wow, I think. These signs have always. Been there and. There's. Been like, you know, whispers and whispers, and they've just continued. To get louder and louder and. Louder. And I think that's what happens. Like Spirit will get. Our attention one way or another. And we can listen to the whisper. And just. Do it early on, which I could have. Done, but I did it. Or we can wait till it's like catastrophic. And that's kind of how it was for me where I was like, All right, like, I got to get your attention somehow. And so it's going to happen in this way. Of like. You're going to remember. All of this. And you're not going to be. Able to stop thinking. About this and it's going to. Keep resurfacing. And boom, here. He found you again. And like. You got to face this head on because it's just it's it's. Time. Yeah. Wow. So at that point, when you have the realization you're finally able to use the word with yourself and then with a friend, what were the modalities? The teachers that came to you, the student that was ready that actually supported you on that healing path? Yeah. So first was just like an individual who came. Along who I initially. Thought was going to be a. Romantic connection. And then it didn't turn out that. Way at all. But he was very spiritual and I feel like he was, you know, a huge catalyst. For me to kind of align myself. With that. Energy. To be. Open to seeing things in that way. And so and he had also been sexually assaulted. wow. Yeah. And so he. Had this, you know, very. Yeah, he understood. He understood what I had been through, but he understood it from a very empowered context. Whereas I was very. Much still in victimhood. I very much felt like a victim. And he. Had started doing. Some like personal development workshops and things. Like that. And he invited me to come to one of them and it was from this place and he was someone I really trusted. Like I had deep, deep trust in. This person because I. Knew he really got where I was at. Yeah. So he was like, Hey, I, I really think that with where you. Are right now. This would be something that would really help you. So I went and I did this personal development workshop. It's it's. Kind of a controversial one is called like the Landmark. Forum. Okay. Ah, you haven't heard of that. Yeah. You tell I say it's controversial because like, if you Google. It, I'm. Confident like. That. The first thing that. Will come up is is landmark forum of cults, you know? Interesting. Okay, so and I won't get into. If it is or is it I'll just say I had like a very positive. Experience and. I experienced a lot of really deep. Healing in that. So when I went. Through that workshop, it's like a weekend workshop. Very, very intense, very confronting. But it's a lot about. Mine and it kind of draws on different modalities. And I came out of. That. Weekend realizing. That I was the creator. Of my. Reality. And that the. Narrative that I had created. Around my experience was. Actually what. Was keeping me in prison. And not not the things. That had happened. To me, but the meaning that I made from those things that had happened to me about. Myself, that I was. You know, broken, that I had asked. For it, that I was damaged, like so. On and. So forth. the meaning that I had made. About the world, that the world was a scary place. The meaning I had made about. Other people that I couldn't trust, people. You know, I went. Through this period. So while because it's so opposite of who I am. Now, but I went through this period in my early twenties, which. Was definitely like post a lot of. Trauma. Yeah. Where I would always say like, I hate people. I was super jaded. Everything about my energy, my appearance, everything was like, Don't fucking talk to me. And in reality. I was terrified of people. Yeah, I was terrified of people. I didn't hate people. I loved people. I didn't want people to stay away from me. I wanted to connect with people. But I was terrified. And so I came out. Of that workshop like, Wow, I have. Been telling myself. This story about who I am. And I don't want to do. That. Anymore. Like, I can I can tell a. Different. Story about my life. And it doesn't. Necessarily erase. The things that happened to me. Like that's all very real. Yeah, but I have a. Choice in as. Like I have I have a. Say in this and. I really realized that. I think the biggest. Aspect. Of that narrative. Was that my power. Had been taken away from me. I very much had this perception of. Like these people took. My power away from me. And what I recognized was. Like. No one can ever do that. No one can ever do that. My power has always. Been there waiting for me to. Step up and. Reclaim it. So I'm going to reclaim that now. And part of me reclaiming that. Is. Letting go. Of this story that. I've been telling myself and being the author of my own story. Deciding what. Things look like from this day forward. And so that. Was like. A huge. Huge turning point for me. Well, and. Really, really powerful. And a lot of that was. In the conscious mind and I'm sure. You. Know, yes. That's just one piece of the pie. That's like the tip of the iceberg. Yeah. So one thing before moving on that I want to ask you about that, because I'm fascinated by something you said that I want you to unpack. Yeah. Yeah. So as someone who has personally just said, you know, you have endured a lot of trauma and then it was finally resurfacing, and yet you came to this conclusion of I am the creator of my own life. I'm the author of my own story, and that it's me creating these narratives that are keeping me in prison. So what I want to ask you about that is that a few years ago I had an experience. I had written a post on Instagram that was very much along the same lines where I think I literally said something like, You were the author of your own story. Like, What do you want your next chapter to be? You know, you have the power. Yeah, and I won't name any names, but an old friend of mine had messaged me the most hateful message I've ever received of How dare you? That is the most privileged. You've clearly never gone through anything. And so I genuinely. I'm so curious. Can you walk us through as someone that has been to that dark night of the soul? Yeah. How do you come to that conclusion and how do you then make sense of everything that did happen if you're the author of your own story? Yeah. So thank you so much for bringing it there, because I think that is such an. Important and important thing to talk about. And as soon as you told me what the Post was, I was like, I know exactly what's kind of like, shit, because my God, is it. Confronting. To hear that. When. Your experience of life has been pretty? Yeah. And even the way you describe what she said, like you've. Never been through anything, the. Privilege, all of these things, that's what I thought. Too. Yeah. You know, there. Was a time where. People who. Would come to me and tell me. To try. To think more. Positively. It's like this fucking idiot, you know. They have had just like, the most sheltered life. They have no idea what. I've been through. They've clearly never been through anything. They don't get it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All of the things I've been there, I. Felt that way. And I get it, you know, I. So, so get it. And so I do feel that it is a very delicate. Thing. To speak about and something that I. Very much know. Is like. Kind of part of my. My contract, an agreement of. Living the life that I did is I can't. Just like experience. That for myself and then. Shut up about it because I'm scared of triggering people. Right? That's been something that I've. Had to really come to is like, I have to speak about this knowing. That some. People will be deeply. Triggered and very confronted by it. And that's okay. That's okay. I'm trusting that when people are ready, it will. Click and make sense. But in terms. Of how I was. Able to kind of understand. Those experiences that I had. From that context, there's kind of. Two pieces to it. One. Is I'll start with what was. In my awareness because as I mentioned, there. Were experiences I'd had that I was aware. Of and I'd later I would come to learn that there were. Other experiences. That had happened that I was not aware of in early childhood. Okay, So. At that time, though, working with. What. I knew consciously, what I. Understood was that I held very, very strong. Negative. Beliefs. About myself from a very young. Age. And many of us do. We have. Experiences in childhood. Early childhood that. Form our programs. And my programing was I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough, I am a bad person. Whatever All of these. Different programs that we're running. And so energetically. That's what I. Was putting out into the universe. And I want to pause here because I know that this can. Very easily. Tip into the realm of what sounds like victim blaming. Right? So to be really clear. That I'm. Speaking specifically. To my own experience, that I'm not in any. Way, shape or form excusing. The things. That happened to me, excusing the actions. Of the people who perpetrated. These things on me. But more so just. Owning my. Piece of it because there is a piece of it as well. Not that it happened consciously, but unconsciously at an energetic level. I, I carried a lot. Of energetic imprints. That left me very. Vulnerable and very. Susceptible to attracting. These. Types of. Experiences was beyond that. I constantly ignored my intuition. There were probably situations I could have avoided had. I. Really. Been connected with my intuition. And had I. Listened. To what my body. Telling me to get. The fuck out of there. You know. Had I not been a people. Pleaser, I was I was so much of a people pleaser that. I would constantly add up even beyond the traumatic experiences I'm talking about. I would constantly end up in. Situations where I was deeply. Deeply uncomfortable. Because I was so scared of speaking. Up and hurting someone else's feelings or, you know, being the person that, like, ruins everything, whatever it might be. Like there were all these blockages that I had. And so that was kind of the understanding I'd come to on my own. And beyond that, And this was something that I. Actually spoke to. Someone who gave me a reading. About. Say, I came to a point. Where I was like, okay, I'm like. Super, super deep on the. Spiritual. Path that I'm learning. All of these things. And so I'm trying to understand, you know. For somebody to have. Experienced something like this. So many times in their life, like. That's a pattern, you know? Yes, that's a pattern. It wasn't like. A one time thing. So I was like, is this some sort of like crazy karma? Like, was I like a terrible person in a past life who, like, hurt a lot of people. And so this is what's playing out now or. Or like, what's the deal. Kind of. And so I was doing a. Reading with someone. And I asked her that. Question like, you know, this. Happened a lot. And I'm kind of wondering, just like from this lens where. Everything is neutral, what's the deal? Yeah. And she. Came out of that and she. Said. It's not it's not karma. But you are on the path of the healer. And as a healer, you have to walk through the fire. Yeah. And come out on the other. Side so that. You know how to. Help other people. Do the same. Yeah. And so what I'm getting is. That it's part of your path to help people who have had these experiences. But in order. To do that, you had to go through the experience yourself. In order to learn. Wow. So and I think there's different sides to it. And also. Again, speaking to my own. Experience. Only like I will. Never I will never tell somebody, especially somebody who's had the experiences that I've had, like. You're not a victim, you're the creator of your reality. I would never. Say that. To someone because. It's it's just not helpful. Yeah, and I can say that for myself because it's it's my journey that I've lived. Yeah. And I can put that out there in a way. That I hope shows others what's possible. And it's not from a. Place of, I've just had this like. Very privileged, easy life. So I'm over here telling you that you get to create your own reality. You know, I've been there. I've been the. Person that's. Been like, Fuck you, how dare you say that to me? I've been the person that's. Like, Of course. I'm a. Victim. How could I be anything other than that? And I'll say is, Well, I think that there was a value. To me actually allowing myself to. Feel that victimhood, because I. Had been denying and invalidating my. Experiences for so. Long. Right. That it was almost like that first phase of healing. I needed. To be able to. Claim that victimhood and and to let. Myself be. Mad and let myself. Feel sorry. For myself. Because I. Hadn't done any of that. I had been so mean to myself. I was, like, constantly. Telling myself, like. It's not that big of a deal or What. Happened to you. Like, you're just overreacting. Meanwhile, I was deeply, deeply suffering. Yeah. So to. Let myself go into that space. Of victimhood. I think. That's healthy to do. Sometimes. And I. Think. Sometimes that can be empowering. But it has a it has a lifespan. Absolutely. And at a certain point, it's not empowering anymore. You're like living in a box. You're living in a prison of your own. And for me, it's on the topic of. Like, you know, victimhood and empowering other people. It's like, I'm not here to tell you that you can't feel like a victim. You probably have really valid reasons to feel like a victim, but is. That letting you. Live the life that you want? Is that letting you be the. Person that you want to. Be? Is your experience of life. In that victimhood. Feeling good, or does it feel like shit? You know. Almost like they won. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And it's like and if it. Feels like shit, just know like there is another option. You don't have to just feel like shit about yourself and the world for an eternity. You have you have options available to you. But yeah, it's, it's a very delicate subject. A very delicate subject. It is. And I first of all, thank you for sharing that. That helps shine a lot of light onto it because I can so clearly see both sides of life is what you make it. And it's all magic and life is good. Yeah. And there's also a very dark truth to the matter as well. And you have to balance them. But I love the way that you were able to eventually kind of zoom out from those experiences and even ask in a reading like, why did this happen? This is a pattern. What caused this? What's the greater message? And it just reminds me of I'm sure you've heard this. Have you ever heard of life referred to as Earth School? Yeah. And yeah, I wanted to bring this up because it's one of my favorite things that I so believe potentially what that reader said. Whatever your interpretation that feels like it resonates, but that we really came here to learn exactly what we were meant to learn. And I heard on the podcast the other day, they said, they said, this is a great journaling question. If your life was the perfect classroom for exactly what you signed up to learn and master, what are you here to learn and master? Yeah, and I think it's such a powerful question and the fact that for all of us, we can turn our pain into our purpose or message to our message. I've heard those a lot. And that's exactly what you're doing as the healer. As you said, you had to walk through the fire to come out to the other side. So just being able to, even for people listening that have endured some horrible, traumatic events and maybe they're still in that victimhood, eventually getting to that point where you can zoom out and ask yourself if this life worth school, what's happening, what am I learning, what am I mastering, and how can I turn this pain into my purpose? Yeah, yeah, absolutely feel so strongly. And I feel. Like that ties so much into all of the past life teachings as. Well, and all the things about the journey of the. Soul. But I very much believe. And it's not to. Say. Again, like this is. Such a delicate topic, but it's never to say like. I don't think that I signed up to get sexually assaulted. Right. You know, Right. And when. I. Came into. The. Awareness. Of the experiences that I'd had. In early. Childhood, this was. Much. Deeper. On my spiritual path. And that. Was. One of the biggest. Challenges for me, was I felt. Like it kind of like. Threw. Everything on its. Head where I was like, okay. You know, I had worked on all of this other. Stuff and I had come to. This. Like, you know, understanding the spiritual understanding. Of why I had had those experiences that I was comfortable with. But how the fuck do. You reconcile this one? Because this is really it's really, really hard to. Imagine that this was like part of my journey or meant to be part of my journey. And it I wrestled with that for a. Long time, like for. At least a couple years. Maybe longer. And and when I was in. Peru, like. Toward the end of my experience, like I. Was there for five weeks. And. I was working with a lot of teacher. Plants and. Ayahuasca as well. And when you're working with. These teacher plants, it's it's a process. Known data. It's a it's like a spiritual diet. So you're going into. A very, very deeply restricted diet. In terms of. The food you eat, what you consume, how much you talk to other people. We couldn't have physical. Contact with another person the whole time and you're working with these different plants and the plants. Are. Communicating with you in a very deep and profound way. And I felt. By the. End. That that the. Understanding that. I had was that this was this was. Something that had been going on for a long time. And I made the choice to be the person to clear that. And I think. A lot of people who. Are on earth right now. Are the cycle breakers. Yes. And cycle breakers don't have easy paths. Yeah, they don't. That's just the truth of it. Healers don't have easy paths, cycle breakers, the people who. You know, break. Cycles of generational trauma, the people who are here to shift out of these old. Paradigms and society. Like these. Are not. Easy. Paths that we've signed up for. And to recognize that. We would. Not have signed up. For these roles if we weren't capable of it. Yeah. And so that. Was how I was. Able kind of reconcile for. That self was this this. Awareness and recognition of like, okay, well maybe, you know, maybe in some. Way. Not. That I asked for this, but that I. Recognized that this was something that needed. To be broken. And that I volunteered to be one of the. People who broke it and. One of the. People who speaks out about this. Not I. Don't feel comfortable with it yet quite easily. Like it's there's pieces of my mission where I'm like, really, though? Like, are we sure? Are you sure about that? Because that I. Don't get I sign up for that. Yeah. And I feel I feel really strongly. That I am a. Piece of speaking. Out. About, like, this bigger. Issue in. Society. Around. Childhood sexual abuse, because it is, it's the collective shadow that nobody wants to talk about. Yeah, it's so pervasive. And since I came into my awareness of. Those. Experiences. I have. Connected. With so. Many people. Who have also had those experiences. And it's one of the ones that I think is hardest. To talk about. It's really hard to talk about. And not not and for me, like from an emotional. Place, but just from a place of like it's fucked up. Yeah, it's fucked up. Think about it's fucked up to talk about and. I understand why nobody. Wants to talk about it. And like with everything. We kind of. Have to talk about it. And. Really look at it for it to get better. Yeah, I know. And so, yeah, that's like I said, you know, I'm not quite there yet. I don't, I don't 100% know what. That looks like yet, but I. Recognize it. And in my. Soul. I'm like. Yeah, this is. Something that I signed up to shed light. On. And yeah, we'll see what. That looks like. But for now I'm like, okay, I'm going to let myself get there in time because. Because right now I'm right. But, but you're on the path. It takes time. So I do want to kind of shift gears into talking about past lives, the journey of the soul because already were using terms. But some people might be like, what are they talking about? They signed up for something. What are they talking about? Yeah. So can you kind of tell story of how you got into this whole idea of past lives, how you had that epiphany, what it kind of helps you through as well, Because I know you you told the story at the regression and it was so powerful. Yeah. And the cool thing is, I don't think I told the full story. I think I just gave you guys like. A little snippet. I, I found the full story on your Instagram and I want it. Please tell it all. Probably did. I wasn't. That's funny. I'm like, you know, I don't know what's still. On there and what isn't. Yeah. So I was I had a really strong spiritual practice. At this point, and I would spend kind of like the. First few. Hours of my day in like deep meditation, sitting meditation, walking meditation. And there was a specific tree. This which might sound really. Out there. To some. People, but there's a specific tree. That I had been working with for a. While. I would. Go and kind of meditate. With her daily. And this tree. Just had. Called out to me. One day I was on a walk with my dog and I felt. Super. Super drawn to this tree. And I went and I placed my hand on the. Tree and I think I asked it a. Question of like, you know, what. Is I was I had like a big. Blockage in my heart at that time. And I asked her what. The blockage was. And she showed me a person in my life and I was. Like, Whoa. So from that point forward. I just felt. Really connected. With the spirit of this. Tree. And so I was on my way. To go. Meditate with her one day. And I saw. An in a different tree on the way. There. I saw a flash, like a. Glimpse of a body hanging from the. Tree. my God. And I was like. What just happened? What the fuck was that? And I wouldn't. Often get. Like messages in visual form. I had a lot of, like. Clear sentence. Which is. Feeling and cognizance which is knowing. But I didn't. Have a lot of. Clairvoyance, so. It was kind. Of different for me to. See. An image. And so I was like, okay. And then I continued onward and I did my meditation and I. Felt that the tree had. Something that it wanted to show me. And so I was walking around the. Tree's trunk and this is like a really big tree, big old tree. And I saw this like, like branch. And I picked it up and it. Was literally shaped like a noose, like it was like this. And then even, like, kind of spiral around itself. my gosh. And I was holding. It in my hand and I asked. This question out loud, Was I. Hanged in a past life and my whole entire. Body just like, lit up with like just full body chills. And for me, like, that's that's a really that's one of the ways that I experience. Kind of confirmation from Spirit, from the Universe. And I was like, What? And so. From there, of course, then I went. On to be. Like, I'm just being crazy. Like, that's weird. That doesn't make any sense, and I'm probably just tripping. But I reached. Out to someone. Who used to do past life readings with tarot. Okay. So I told her the. Experience that I just had and asked. Her to do. A reading for me. And she was like, Well. Yeah, it does look like you were hanged. Like it was literally like the hanging man. Wow. Yeah. And so and she, she went into meditation to tap in deeper, and. She shared with me. What came through. And it was a lot of, you know, kind of lined. Up what we've heard about kind of like the witch trials. And how women were, you know, found communing with nature and. Deemed to be witches. And then hanged or burned at the stake. And I then started tapping in on my own. A little as well. And had this. Sense. That it was. You know, somehow connected to like my father and my lover, that in some way they were connected to me being killed, me being found out. Whether whether I actually. Identified as a witch or not. Whatever it was that they. Saw me doing, they. They. Deemed me a witch and kind of sold me out. So it shed light on. A lot of things that shed light for sure on like my. Father wound in this. Life. My dad was not. Very spiritual except toward the. End of his. Life. I think. That started. To kind of open up for him a little. Bit as he. Was ready. To transition, but he never really understood. Me, and. I felt as well just this huge block. Around speaking about my. Spirituality. And my. Practices. I had I mean. I was talking to trees. I had this like beautiful, deep connection with nature. And I was taking all of this time. To, like, commune with the nature. Spirits. But I wasn't telling people about it because I. Felt like so blocked. And I realized, well, okay, of course I feel blocked. I was literally killed for this. You know, And I think that's quite a common one. Because so, so. Many. Souls have had. Lifetimes where they've been. Persecuted for what they believed. In. And so for me, like there was this huge aspect of of. Reclamation, like there was a time that I identified. As a witch because I. Felt like I needed to reclaim that. That was part of my healing, to reclaim that word and to. Embody what that word really means, which is a wise. Woman, you know, someone who's connected with nature is. Somebody who's able to. Tap into the unseen forces. And now it doesn't resonate with me anymore. Yeah, but it was a really. Important thing for me at time, I think, to identify in that way and to be able to own that. So that. Was kind of like the big introduction into the. World of past. Lives. I don't think there was never a point where I can say. Okay, well, at this point I started believing. In this. I think it was always. There for me. I think it just made sense. It never made sense to me that. Like, this is just like a. One and done kind of thing. Yeah. I had not. Thought too deeply about it. But I think reincarnation always made sense to me. And. That. Experience just. Sparked a period of deep study about. Everything I could learn about. Past. Lives. And as I mentioned to you at that past. Life regression, that. Was when the book Many Lives, many masters, found its way to me. And it was. Just so life. Changing. And I. Felt that it. Affirmed. So. Many of the things that I felt and was coming into. About our purpose here, about like what we're doing. Here on Earth. About Earth school. Yeah. About the way that we. Connect. With different souls and how that shows up. And yeah. Just all of. It kind of. Clicked. And everything was like. Yeah, this. This makes sense. And this is coming from the scientific side. Which I'm not a left brain person. You can. Probably tell like. I'm. Like as far into the woo woo as it gets. I'm so, so open. To all. Of it. But it was. Even for someone as woo woo as me who like doesn't. Need the science to back. It up. It was really cool because I was like, the science is very. You know, sweet. Like all these people who think that I'm crazy. I could be like, but read this book exact read this book, you know? Yeah. Because I definitely had lot of skeptics. In my life at that point in my journey, and I. Probably still do, but I just no longer care about the skeptics. Yes, you do. You. That's why I. But yeah. So I read that book and I can't. Remember exact timing because you know, what is time? But I read that book. Kind of leading. Up to my dad's death. And I think I mentioned that. My dad's death was really. Sudden. So it wasn't he wasn't sick. This wasn't something that any of. Us were expecting. In any way. It was a very. Sudden and unexpected. Death. But there was this crazy spiritual process that was unfolding. Leading up to. His death, which all I. Remember. So clearly this. Moment, like. The day that he died. Right after I had found out maybe 30 minutes later where I was sitting on his bed and like. It was like this huge download. Came in and everything clicked from like the year leading up to his. Death. All of these puzzle pieces came together and I was like, shit. Like what? Well. Kind of around the same time that had that question of, you know, did. I have these. Experiences, was tattered in my life because of some past life karma. I had also had. A question around another pattern in my life. Which was people with dead dads or dying dads. I had I. Had so many people. Partners. Friends like close friends. People really close to me who either they had lost their. Dad and that was like a. Big part of what they were. Grieving and working through it. The time that we met. Or. During the time of us knowing. Each. And. Being close or. Dating or. Whatever it was, their dads died. And it was. Like. Like I can name like probably like seven people. Was a lot. And it just and it felt. It felt really. Present to me. It stood. Out in this way. Where I was like. That kind of feels like a pattern to what's up with that? Like, did I did I kill someone's dad? And of course, you know, this is what I'm studying. Part five So I'm like, did I, did I, like, kill someone's dad in a past lifetime? And I'm now. Like, you know. As part. Of my karma, I'm now being. Shown like, the grief of what people experience when they they lose their fathers. Like, what is the deal with this? And I asked my aunt, who's a. Reiki. Healer and. A. Psychic and a medium well, I asked my aunt. About this. And. She was like. I'll do a reading for you. And I was like, okay, cool. I kind of went about my life and simultaneously are happening kind of. Parallel to that. I had this like weird. Opening in my relationship with my dad. Where, like I told. Him that. I identified as a witch and he was like, I don't know what to say to that, Sam. And I was like, That's okay. You don't have to say anything. I just wanted to tell you. And I didn't know why. Like, why does it feel why does it feel important. For me to, like, say. These things to my dad? But I had just reached a point. Where I was like, I want you to know me. Like I want you to actually. Know who I am. I don't want to feel like I'm, like, hiding this huge part of my life from you. Yeah. And that same day. Like, he called me and. I had been working with cannabis. I worked in the cannabis industry, and I was. Very, very. Passionate about cannabis, as, you know, a healing and medicinal plant at that time. And my dad was very anti. At least for. Me. He believed it to be. He kind of saw it. I think there's some people who are kind of in this camp of like, if you have cancer, then like it's medicine. If you don't have cancer, then it's a drug. Yeah, but he reached. Out to me and he. Was like, Hey, So. I'm realizing that. I struggle with stress. And anxiety and I'm wondering. If. You can help me find some. Like CBD products. Or cannabis. Products. To help me. And I was like. I feel like I've been waiting for this day my whole my whole life. It was not. Like my dad. To like, admit that he was struggling. He was very you use a very. Strong and very optimistic person. So that was like huge for me of like, wow, you're. Opening up to me about. This. You know, thing that you're struggling with and. You're asking me to help you. And I would literally love nothing more. Like, I can't imagine anything better in the world. Than going to a dispensary and and finding products that I think will help. You feel better because this is the work that I was doing with strangers. But I'm like, You're my dad, but I love you. I want to share this with you. Yes. And so. I. Yeah, I went to one of these dispensaries and found a bunch of stuff, and I went over to his. House, which is the house but I live. In. Now. Wow. And I remember sitting on the couch with him, and I'm, like, showing him all these different things, and I'm talking to him. About the science of cannabis. And I'm like. So just fucking elated, okay? And I remember this moment where. I looked at my dad's face and I like, saw how old he was. And I. I never it was like I was seeing. Him differently than I'd ever seen him. I was. Really, really. Seeing. And I just had. This. Moment. Of, wow. And he wasn't that old at the time. He was like 60, maybe 62. Then he died when he was 63. Wow. But I just I could see the. Age on his face and like, energetically. And I had this. Realization of like, I don't have time. With you. And I want to. Be. Really intentional about the time that I. Do. Have. I want to make not saying this out. Loud, but. Within myself, like I want to make more of an effort. And so I had that that big moment. And then the next day my aunt sent me the reading. And so. She the way that she practices is she. Goes into like a channeled state and she messages from your angels and your guides. Okay. So she. Sent me this channeled. Message. And it said something about. How she doesn't have to worry about this pattern. It's not karma or anything bad that she did. In another. Life. The universe is. Trying to. Show. Sam different ways. That people relate to their fathers so that she. Can have an. To really. Recognize and. Revisit how she shows up with her dad. And this was like. Maybe months before my dad died. Which I had no idea. No idea in the world that. I only had. Like. Six months left with him at that point. So, yeah, I that that. Moment that I. Described where I was like. Sitting on the bed and. Of these pieces clicked, it was like all of these. That moment that I looked at him and saw. How old he was and that, that. Feeling of like, I need to be more intentional about our time together, even that space. Of. Getting to share with him like, Hey. This. Is, you know, this is something I want you to know about me and him sharing with me. Well, here's something. I want you to know about me and asking me for my help and so many of the conversations and shifts. That we had experienced. In our relationship that. Last year. Leading up to him dying. I'm just like. I know that. I know that that was his time. That's how I. Know, because there's so. Many. Even though it. On some. Level, it makes no sense, right? On some level, it still doesn't make. Any sense to me that he died when he did or that he's been gone for four and a half years now. It doesn't make any sense. But on a deeper. Level. And on a. Spiritual level. It makes all the sense. And I'm like. Yes, of course that was your. Time. Even in the days leading up to his death, I had. A friend. Who's a psychic medium. Who just happened be visiting me from Austin, Texas, and she was visiting. Me and. We were. Driving to. Big Sur. On the Lionsgate. So on the eighth, and my dad died on August 12th. So as we were. Driving for no reason at. All, I was telling her all of these. Things about my dad, like deep almost. I feel now that I have more of an understanding of what I'm channeling. I almost. Feel like I was. In a channeled state. Where I was. Channeling all of this information about my dad and his relationship and the sole contracts that. We had had. And I know this. Is like a big like. Round. About to loop back to the past. You know, information. But all of this. Information was coming. Through of like, yeah, this is why I chose. Him to play my dad. And this. Is the. Agreement that we. Made with each other about the roles. That we were going to play. And I think my. Big lesson. With him was to learn that I don't need other people to understand me, that I just need to understand and validate myself. And his. Big lesson was to. Learn, to understand and accept. Somebody who was completely. Different from him. And so. All of this is just. Flowing out of me. Little do. I know my dad's about to die in four. Days. Wow. And the next. Day we spoke to each other for the last. Time before he. Passed. And it. Was me. Telling him. That I had. Just gotten approved. Lease this house that I was. Going to be leasing with a couple friends like an ex and a friend partner at the time and and that I had just gotten offered a full time job at the cannabis company. It was my first full time job. First and only. Full time. Job. And so even the last. Conversation that I had with him was kind of like, Hey, everything's good. Like I'm good, I'm taken care of. Wow. He went. See his brother that he was really close. With in L.A. the weekend before. He passed. He had like a beautiful. Conversation with. His. Fiancee. He engaged on the way back from L.A.. Where he told her. In the next lifetime, let's find each other sooner. Which is so not a thing. That my. Dad would say. Wow. And then, yeah. The next. Day, Monday morning, like he went to work. He owned an auto shop and and he died. And it's and it's so wild. But like, look at all of these pieces. Leading up to. That. Like how I, I don't understand how it could. Be anything less, but like this intricate design. Yeah. It just feels so like it's so wild. Hey, friends. Whoa! See what I mean about going on an absolute trip together? I was not kidding. We really went to some of those deepest, darkest nights that Samura has endured. And then we landed at some beautiful realizations about life, death, how we're all here, how it all fits together, and maybe how it's all done so divinely and beautifully. So I really enjoyed this conversation. I hope you did to remember this is only part one. Part two is coming next week and it is really chock full of some fascinating content. So definitely come back for more next week and definitely check out some years work because she's doing amazing things in this world. If you enjoyed this conversation, as always, please share it with a family member or friend. You might be surprised at how difficult that can be for a podcast to spread from ear to ear except for word of mouth. So thank you. For those of you who are sharing this with the people that you love as well, and just know that it really means a lot to me. Okay. I will see you next week. I already cannot wait. And until then, goodbye for now, my friends.