24 ~ Desire and the Sacred Feminine: From Catholic School to Pussy Professor

A revelation unfolds as Caroline Darcy, affectionately dubbed the Pussy Professor, takes us through her metamorphosis from corporate disarray to a beacon of soul-led sex education in our latest podcast episode. Delving into her history within the confining walls of a Catholic convent school, Caroline exposes the profound impact this had on her perception of sexual energy and desire. As your hosts, Brenda and Catherine, we navigate the conversation through the transformative power of aligning sex, heart, and that sacred feminine energy. Caroline's personal narrative invites a playful light into the often shadowy corridors of self-discovery, illuminating the path for women to embody their most authentic selves.

Embarking on a quest to redefine the essence of sexuality and joy, our dialogue with Caroline challenges societal norms, peeling back the layers of constraint to reveal the universal force pulsing through female sexuality. Her candid recollections of ecstatic sexual awakenings offer a glimpse into the euphoria and bliss that can be unlocked when one truly embraces their sexual energy. It's a journey that intertwines personal growth with the exploration of desire, and we delve into how our collective stories of sexuality shape the very fabric of our being, from the private confessions whispered in the dark to the loud declarations of sexual empowerment.

We wrap this enlightening episode with practical wisdom on the importance of nurturing an intimate connection with one's own body and desires. Caroline guides us through the landscape of consent and the significance of non-sexual touch, like vulva mapping, in strengthening our relationship with our own sex and bodies.

Use the links below to learn more about Caroline and her work:
Instagram and Facebook - @imcarolinedarcy
Website - www.inti-mate.co
Or contact Caroline directly to arrange a consultation at hello@inti-mate.co

Links Caroline mentioned in this episode:
Sex Nerd Sandra by Sandra Daugherty. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/sex-nerd-sandra/id455065811

Ted Talk, An Honest History of an Ancient and "Nasty" Word by Kate Lister. https://www.ted.com/talks/kate_lister_an_honest_history_of_an_ancient_and_nasty_word 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Desire as Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by Desire inviting you into our world.

Speaker 2: 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life. Motherhood, relationships and my business Desire has taken me on quite a ride and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within.

Speaker 1: 0:32

I'm a middle school teacher turned coach and guide of the feminine, and I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children. I've never been married. I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of tired and wired and my path led me to explore Desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker and a forever student, Even after decades of inner work.

Speaker 2: 1:00

We are humble beginners on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of Desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

Speaker 1: 1:12

On the Desire as Medicine podcast. We talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of Desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked being responsible for our desire.

Speaker 2: 1:28

Welcome listeners and friends to Desire as Medicine podcast. This is Brenda, and I am joined by my very wonderful co -host, catherine Navarro. Hello Catherine.

Speaker 1: 1:39

Hello, hello. Do we have a treat for every listener today, don't we?

Speaker 2: 1:43

though so excited, we are so excited to have Caroline Darcy on to talk about the journey of Desire and Sex. Welcome, caroline.

Speaker 3: 1:56

It's so good to see you guys. It's a pleasure to be here. Thank you for asking me.

Speaker 2: 2:01

It's our pleasure to have you. Thank you for your yes. I just want to talk a little bit about my desire to have you on our podcast today. Caroline, we've only met in person one time. We've kind of crossed paths same teachers and we were at an event together in August of 2023. And you gave a beautiful transmission talk and it was in that talk that I was so moved by you and what you shared in that talk. And then we had we were at a boat party and we had lunch together. That was the only time we ever spent time together and I was so moved by you.

Speaker 2: 2:45

I was like I want to know this woman more and in your talk, what really touched me was this way that you transmitted the connection between sex, pussy and heart. You really brought together what it means to be a woman who can have both and basically, that's all I needed to know to invite you on. And luckily, catherine is a yes to my desires. That's what this podcast is really about following the breadcrumbs of desire and seeing where it leads you, and I personally find that it leads on the most amazing adventures, and so we're so happy to have you here today. And I just want to say a little bit more about Caroline and then we'll dive in. She teaches soul led sex ed, which I'm so curious about, and you're in service to sexual energy and so so I'm so curious about you and you call yourself the pussy professor and the shame whisperer and that is really beautiful and I'm assuming it wasn't always that way. But before we get into that, let's just get your voice in the room and official welcome.

Speaker 3: 4:23

Yeah, thank you so much. And yeah, I always, I always seem to drop in the pussy professor and shame whisperer now, because they're things like people have called me that I've either worked with or who know me very well. And you know I've gone through that whole journey of being like a somatic sexologist and all of these things, and you know we name ourselves so often by our modalities and it's like, well, no, that's, that's not playful, that's not fun, that's not that it doesn't ignite that thing inside of us which is really and you know, thank you for you know, seeing that connection that I've felt for so long inside of me but always had. You know, as you know, you're on this path and you're on this journey. You get to these places by being so far detached from them and having them so blocked that that moment you mentioned in New York was like it was almost the moment I realized it myself and actually felt it and saw it in myself.

Speaker 3: 5:27

So it's been such a a lock in and a like, years of following threads and all sorts of different things. But to the more and more I've gone on this journey, the more I just like it gets to be fun, it gets to be hot. It gets to be playful. Let's, let's actually have fun with what we do while we're diving into the dark. So, yeah, I rewriting my bios and stuff recently I was like, yeah, I'm dropping the boring credentials and the certifications and all that and I'm yeah, I'm sticking to what the people I love the most have called me.

Speaker 2: 6:14

That's so hot. I really love that and I'm assuming it wasn't always this way for you. I, when I was looking at your website, which will also link in the show notes, you used to be in corporate. You use words like chaotic and messy, and can you paint us a picture of what you were like? Who was Caroline before you were the pussy professor or it's doing so lead sex ed? Paint us a picture of who you were. And then I want to know, like, what was the desire? What was the, the clunk?

Speaker 3: 6:50

What was the? Yeah, it's. I mean I can just to give you a little bit of a kind of eye roll. Of course, I went to an all girls Catholic convent school for 18 years, so it was a good, a good rooting in, like how bad, dirty, disgusting, wrong and evil. All of this energy inside me and us made me, and actually when you invited me onto the podcast and like over the last few days I was really dropping into following desire and what does I really meant for me and my initial reaction was I didn't have a relationship to desire. I didn't have a connection to my own desire. Everything I did was filtered through somebody else.

Speaker 3: 7:48

I went to this school that was recommended after the primary school, that I went to the lower school that I went to. I you know I chose my university degree based on what my boyfriend at the time wanted me to. I got a career, so I haven't gone to school. I went to university and studied any product design, so it's like a science and design mashup of things. I then ended up in a career in health and safety, which was just like literally following what my dad said of like, oh, you'd be really good at sales and there's no money in design. So I was like, okay, I'll go and do sales then. And he actually got me. Well, he didn't get me a job, but one of his friends offered me a job and next thing you know, I was like 10 years deep in corporate health and safety, talking about Legionella, bacteria and water systems, like literally some of the driest most like conservative, like environment. You can actually be working with health and safety legislation and really like old boys club kind of companies where they judge people on what sucks they wore with their suits and like I was the top salesperson employee of the year and they called me pet and asked me to make a cup of tea for them. It was like. It was just like. It was almost like a caricature, and that was reflected in my sex life as well.

Speaker 3: 9:22

I've had some pretty gnarly relationships, as a lot of us have, and as I've looked back and tracked those situations, it's like it's because I never had my own voice. I'd always adapt myself to what I thought the people wanted me to be. I'd pick up their hobbies, I'd pick up their sexual preferences. I would go to football games, much to my partner's disappointment. Now I don't want to go, I'm just like, no, that's not for me. You go enjoy and you say, yeah, but you used to go and do that sort of stuff. I was like, for the very wrong reasons, trust me, you don't want me to go. So it's that.

Speaker 3: 10:05

And you know, really, following this path of what I should be doing, and I got really successful. I had a great job, I had good money, I had a beautiful car. I had, you know, that like kind of tick, tick, tick things of like all of these things that should have made me really, really happy and I was really miserable inside. I was really disconnected and kind of tumbling out of relationships into long periods of being single. I then, almost accidentally, fell into the world of BDSM. It was like the first time I felt at home, I felt matched, I could express my interest in sex, I could talk about things, I could learn about things. I was like there was workshops. I was having these intense, incredible experiences and I was also borderline psychotic at the time. I was literally losing myself in another relationship. But there was this part of me inside and this was that spark of desire that you talk about, that initial thing of okay, I get it why we have, and I love workshops when you're beating people up or suspending them for ceilings and actually doing stuff that could really hurt people. I get that we have have to have education and boundaries and stuff and loads of information on the internet of how to do this properly, but why don't we have this about sex, normal sex, vanilla sex, I would have called it back then, and around that time one of my friends introduced me to a podcast called Sex Nerds, ondra and very mind.

Speaker 3: 12:08

I lived in the north of the UK, a city called Manchester, not the most cosmopolitan of places. I didn't even know sexology was a thing. It certainly wasn't on the careers list in my old girl's Catholic conference school. So and I listened to this podcast and it was like over in California there was this world of adult sex educators and I was like, oh my God, and it was. It was what I knew from my you know, religious days. It was like the calling. It was like you get to do that this point in time on, like eight, nine years deep into a successful career, I'm just like never met one of these people in my life, never knew that, never like had no concept of how to even do this or start this or any of the practicalities. So it sat with me maybe for a year or two before I really did anything. And then it was that one of those kind of catastrophic years that when you look back in hindsight it was just like source energy, pulling everything that wasn't true apart in one fell swoop.

Speaker 3: 13:29

I split up with my partner. I moved into the house that was I used to live with with a really nasty ex before that. I fell off a mountain skiing and was like couldn't even drive or walk properly. I sold the house I what else was there? And I just started a new job the year before which had been created for me like this dream job, and it was literally crumbling apart in front of me. There was like nothing I could do. It was the first time I'd ever not been able to work hard enough and pick things up. And I literally sat there when I sold the house with this chunk of money for the first time in my life and I was like, well, I can either do the sensible thing and go and buy a house and save up some money, or it was kind of a fuck it moment of like or I could just go over to California, go meet some of these people.

Speaker 3: 14:28

I did my first ever like kind of life coaching course, like five day program, with a guy called Matthew Hussie, who was all about like dating and love advice, and I made a commitment to myself that I would you know, in three years I'd give up my job and I would train as a sex educator adult sex educator. That was the beginning of September. By December I'd quit. I signed up for a program in Sexological Bodywork, which, by the time I'd quit, I realized that the first within the first couple of modules we were doing gain or massage on people that we didn't know, and I was having a holy shit. What have I done? But at this point I've already like everything on the table, and again, that was 2016, 17, 17,. I qualified and since then I have.

Speaker 3: 15:40

Well, what really struck me was when I started actually working with women and just self touch, so like non-agended self touch, in a way that wasn't just about chasing orgasm, engaging the whole body, breathwork, really, what could be called simple practices like if you know, you think, you think. Now we should just know this stuff, we should know how, how to activate and how much autonomy we have over the energy and our bodies and how much we can move and control it and even control it, and how much access is just there and just teaching these touch programs to women. And I was watching bear in mind I hadn't even looked back and seen it, noticed how much my life had blown up around it and all this stuff that had happened. I was still so in it that I didn't really have sight on it. But one by one, I was watching these women that I was working with and even women that are just accessed in my 200 pound do it yourself course here's five practices to teach yourself at home and their lives were like shifting and imploding and exploding and I was like holy shit, there's something here that I don't understand. I don't understand. Yet I certainly wasn't taught in the programs I was learning.

Speaker 3: 17:15

I was kind of on a bit of a spirituality path. Already I was at the yoga and the secret kind of stage, you know, trying to manifest stuff and sort of dipping my toe and it actually it was within the first sort of year. I actually took a step back and I was like there's something here, there's something so much more than an orgasm or three that's having such an impact on people's lives, like migrating, starting businesses, all this stuff. Not nothing I would teach them, it would just be what's happening in their lives. And it freaked me out a bit and there was a level of and what I understand now a level of like right level, not concern, but like an inner knowing that this deserves some respect. This was more powerful than what my initial intention of having like a sexy sex shop and doing some workshops in the evenings you know that what my ego would allow me to actually say yes to at the time. But yeah, so from then I really entered into my own like like just following that like hunger I had for understanding what this thing was Like.

Speaker 3: 18:54

I always knew that it was important.

Speaker 3: 18:56

I'd always kind of use the line of like well, sex is like kind of important to the human race.

Speaker 3: 19:01

You know we do need it to survive, just on a species level. But it really opened my eyes to what I now see is how women to live, how our bodies are designed to, and especially women's bodies are designed to, be able to open up to whether you want to call it God, universal energy, so something more than us. But when you have access to this in your body. There's like there's to me there's no doubt that we are here to do something with that. We are here to create, we're here to birth not just new humans, but new souls onto the planet. Like that's not just incredible enough when you actually think about it, but I actually really understand that we have Access, direct access through our pussies, to this thing that a whole world is absolutely starving for, like this level of connection, this level of energy, this level of belonging, this level of knowing that science and the medical industry are desperately trying to monetize and make a pail for, and it's lying between our legs and it's taking me on one hell of a journey.

Speaker 1: 20:38

Thank you so much for such a generous share. I'm going to have a circle back of just the tad, because I have a question for you. Earlier on, when you were describing you know, the different, various steps that you've taken to get here, one of the places where you were like, following the path of everything that you should be doing, you said to yourself, you told us and shared with all of our listeners I should be happy, right. Was there a place on your journey where you started, potentially when you started listening to the podcast, or when you were like, oh, vanilla sex, this is something that we should be focusing on, versus going to BDSN like the. At what point do you, or do you have a marker, a point where you could say, oh, I'm touching happiness here, because for me, I see happiness as a joy, a choice, and I feel like what you're touching on is this of what I experienced in my life as joy, like there's a place where there's just joy.

Speaker 1: 21:46

It's not even connected to a choice I've made. It just feels like a place of bliss. Can you recall in your life when you first started to touch that?

Speaker 3: 21:59

There was two experiences I had that I remember and I mentioned the first one before and it was literally a high as a kite on ecstasy in my late twenties and just like a what I would know as a download of like this is how we were meant to have access to this all the time. This is how we're meant to be. But obviously I got laughed at because I was high and I was dancing on a beach in a beater and it was like I didn't even take myself seriously at that point in time. But that moment's never left me. I can like I can feel it in my body now. It was like an anchor point and I've talked about this with friends and I've heard this on podcasts and one of the conspiracy theories is that stuff's illegal because they don't want people to be able to access that and have that as an anchor in the body. Think of that what you will, but for me it was like I can remember that as a almost like a waft of it, a momentary sensation that was imprinted, and then it was in the kink days and I've actually it's interesting because I've just been like kind of revisiting and combing through one of the relationships I was in then and I had access. I could access that in what was called subspace, that altered state of like bliss and like just wide openness. And as I as I've been like revisiting this and looking at it from the lens of who I am now and what I know now, I can see that I was having this massive sexual awakening and the only thing I could attribute to it to was my partner, who was wonderfully incapable of holding that, you know, and thank God he couldn't, because I'd still be there now, because it was just like like so much easy access.

Speaker 3: 24:12

But I was actually reading through. I found like a download of our WhatsApp messages like a few weeks ago and I've not looked at them like years and years and I actually started combing through them and I could see this like repeated argument that we'd have over and over and over again and I was like this is so important to me. I don't know what it is, but this is everything. I don't care about anything else in my life here and obviously there was like a.

Speaker 3: 24:44

There was loads of drama. There was all the stories on top of it. It was just like there was so much mess and what you talked about the mess and chaos and drama and like in the, the way I would touch in those spaces where to have these huge expansions, and like this holding and sheer utter bliss and joy and love and access to everything, and then the slam down of how hard I'd come down off that and then that would roll into every layer of victimization and drama and belief system about myself and people around me. So it was looking back now. I knew it was something there, I could feel it, I knew it was important, but I only understood it in the framework that it was about the other guy, the other person. If that answered the question.

Speaker 1: 25:43

I'm going to make a bridge for our listeners.

Speaker 1: 25:46

What I'm hearing Caroline describe is, when I ask her the question around happiness, the way that I guess, in layman's terms, like when we talk to people, we say does this make you happy, are you happy? How does your heart feel? We use that type of terminology, but I think when I asked you that question, caroline, you can correct me, but what I'm hearing you respond to me about is actually something deeper, beyond happiness, beyond bliss. You're talking about and this is what I'm thinking, I'm deducing this that you're speaking about that place you can touch, as a woman with a room, with a pussy, where you have been to that space, where you can touch that liminal space where we create not just new souls but where you have direct access to what you have claimed or said, stated that our world is struggling and starving for.

Speaker 1: 26:46

I think what you're talking about is more of a connection to everything, to the bigger universe. Like you're talking about oneness, you're talking about our connection to the cosmos, and I'll describe it how I experience it is almost when I'm in that space. It feels as if every pore on my skin has an antenna and it's vibrating and it's as if there is music, but I can't hear it, I can feel it. It's as if all the colors are brighter and everything looks slightly different. It also, when it's occurring for me, requires me to be very conscious of my breath, to remain grounded and present, while still experiencing that moment of high connection with everything around me. Did I misspeak at any point?

Speaker 3: 27:53

No, that's exactly what I'm. Yeah, I'm taking that happiness and joy as and I think this is actually where I am. This actually points to where I am in my journey right now. I'm actually translating. Happiness and joy in my experience is like a connection to that at all times Things in my life that don't necessarily take me out into the cosmos and like a fully, almost like out of body, but in body, complete, like a complete takeover, but a sense of like where that comes down into my being and it's like, and for me the felt sense is that connection from like, almost like, through push it up the central line into my heart. And for me and I am thinking this through as we're actually talking and it's like, it's like that life force, energy, is what brings me happiness and joy is the same connection of how I experience it Thank you.

Speaker 2: 29:16

That's really beautiful. Caroline, Thank you so much for that, and Catherine as well, Can you? One thing I was so deeply moved about and you were just touching on it, and also I want to expand on this a little bit more is the connection between heart and pussy. I think so often women think that it has to be one or the other and what it was so drawn to you about? Because I have found that the best sex that I've had in my life and the best love and relationships are when they're connected. And can you talk a little bit more about the connection between heart and pussy?

Speaker 1: 29:59

And I would love to hear about that.

Speaker 2: 30:01

I think it's a beautiful concept and reality it's real and I think that's it.

Speaker 3: 30:10

They especially for me. So my experience was that, you know, and it's certainly prevalent if you've got that Christian or Catholic or religious imprint on you growing up, but there is that Madonna and whore, there is that separation of like it's one or the other, and I know that people will have varying different experiences of that. And even if you don't have the religious conditioning, you know I love my shitty telly like crap telly, I still love it. I'm not willing to give that up. And I can remember watching like Love Island years ago and it was my first year of business and I was in a world of feast and famine and everything coming up for me like a massive sexual awakening still rolling, all of this stuff. So I spent a significant amount of time. Like we'll know, is collapse like closed down, shut down, where I'd have these big openings and then it'd be too much for me to hold and then I would like collapse back down like a hangover or a calm down and it'd be, you know, plenty of time watching Love Island I think there was about three seasons of it at that point in time like on catch up TV, and I can remember sitting there and even all throughout. That Was this narrative of oh fucker, but would I take her home to my mum Girl for material? I would say link I let. My partner in his teenage years would say oh, it's a link, it's a hookup, it's a foot buddy, with a million different words for it now, and it's just so prevalent, it's so inbuilt into so much of everything that not that we're just taught, but everything that is just imprinted on from culture, especially Western culture, that there is this archetype of a sexual woman. Now everyone's going to be a little bit different, but even if you sit there yourself now and say, oh, if I said you're a really sexual woman, just walk through the door. Everyone's got their own archetype or character. That comes a lot of fun with. And even for myself and for women that I've worked with, we'd all have this variation of so often this kind of.

Speaker 3: 33:00

One of my favourite descriptions of it was from a client years ago was in what's the film Love, actually the Christmas film, is that right? And there's the secretary who seduces the boss and it's like. You know, it's like that kind of like really beautiful, obviously a very powerful woman, but she's only using it to tear apart. You know M Thompson's life, the woman that we all love dearly, you know, and it is that sense of there is a fact that there has been thousands of years of conditioning to say that there is one or the other, and for the majority of women who have some sort of access to this and again, this is very, very broad terms, but it tends to be the women who form more under that I have difficulty accessing. Or there's the women who have I have access to a lot and I have no idea what to do with it or how to hold it or how to, like, handle myself. So we have these archetypes and the more and you'll know this, but the more I see behind the closed doors of women's lives, the more women that I speak to, the more conversations that start with.

Speaker 3: 34:26

I've never told anyone this, but it's that place of we've been taught this filter, and this is how I see it. When we have lessons, we have like cultural imprints of, and it's like we have this like web or a filter that when we have access to this power that we've been talking about, that it gets filtered through and it's like it either comes through the we're, the good girl, the Madonna, the mother, the wifey material, and that means we're a good person, we're lovable, we're worthy, we have value, we're all of these things, and we have a relationship or we have access to that power and we have really good fun with it and it's really hot. But it comes with this like condition that it means that you're not actually lovable and you're not actually a good person. And for me, if you haven't guessed already, I had access and I thoroughly believed that I was utterly unlovable and didn't deserve I. You know, I was like I'm the girl you fuck, I'm not the girl you marry.

Speaker 3: 35:50

This was actually what was happening along the same time and I said there's an interesting story, or part of a little story, that I realized fairly recently that when I was on my Matthew Hossie retreat in San Diego, you know, back in the day, first time I'd actually had any experience of any like personal development or anything like this and I'd made two commitments to myself. The first one was that I was going to be a sexologist or a sex coach or something along those lines. I knew the one was going to say I'm going to learn to open my heart. Even then I had the most two separate like goals. I didn't actually say a link between the two at all and I actually have a you know in LA, a little bit like later on. I spent some time in LA meeting loads of amazing people and going to workshops and I was like I just literally I remember going to is it the pleasure chest in LA and they had this spanking 101 workshop and I was like I can talk for three and a half hours straight about the intricacies of, like, health and safety legislation and water systems in the UK and bacteria in the UK. These people are getting paid probably more than me to talk about spanking for 90 minutes. I was like I can do this. This is way more fun, but it's still felt separate.

Speaker 3: 37:14

But at the time it was that commitment I'm going to learn how to open my heart and I it's like I did these two journeys that somewhere around 2020, I well, 2019, I was like I really I'm done with choosing unavailable men. I realized that I was the one I'd done a kind of chronology kind of things and realized I'd chosen and I'd actually created. I could really see how it was me. It wasn't the guys, it was actually me doing this. So if it was me that's doing it. I can do something about that.

Speaker 3: 37:52

There's something that there was something really heart breaking and empowering at the same time and I was like, and I made this commitment and I met my partner within three months of that. I've like saying no to lots and lots and lots and very hot, unavailable men, but it was, and it would be amazing for me to say that was like all you know, happily ever after. But actually within that first year it brought up all of the conditioning, all of the stories, all of the things that were creating this block where I was living in an existence where my heart and pussy were both loved, accepted, adored, were held. All of this stuff and my poor little mind could not comprehend it would fight it. It was. It felt unsafe, it felt scary, it was bringing so much stuff up.

Speaker 3: 38:53

And again, this journey that I thought was two separate things. I actually remember one of the first journeys I did with our chairteacher and I got a very clear message that you're not here for your business, you're here to love. And what kind of surprised me as I was transmitting in York, it's like, oh, that's genius, that is. And I actually realized at that point, yes, I had opened my heart, I had access to this channel. I was living from a place where they coexisted and one fed the other and fed the other, and it's like this incredible generator of energy that exists in my body.

Speaker 3: 39:55

And the path itself was all about falling in love with the parts that I thought were disgusting, dirty and wrong, the stuff that was my sex life, that there was, the spilling in the sex life, the messiness, the cheating, the affairs, all of the things that made me a bad woman. And it was like this realization that what I thought made someone lovable. You can play the same game If I said to you this woman just walked through the door and she's a really good wife. We've all got an archetype of what that could actually mean. Mine was that and I say this was so much of action because it's definitely one of the characters that lives within me that I play with.

Speaker 3: 41:00

I was like my basic bitch wifey and she had the Starbucks cup and the hoodie and the uggs on and it was like afternoon glass of Sauvignon Blanc and all of this stuff and she was thoroughly taken care of and a massive rock on her finger and she didn't work and it was like all of these ideas that I would have, that when I was finally lovable enough, that's what I'd get.

Speaker 3: 41:22

And I'd get that by being that character and as it came full circle to me, it was that realization that, oh shit, actually the pathway to opening my heart wasn't about being this sort of perfect princess idea I did like had.

Speaker 3: 41:43

It was that An ability and a practice of learning to have the most utmost compassion for the parts of us that were Bad, the things that we did that were wrong, the aspects of ourselves that we believe made us unlovable. That was actually how we joined the two together and it was like I actually got to play out the slut, the whore, all of these other aspects of my life, all of these things that made me a bad person or a lovable, and they were the actual things that have actually opened my heart. And people might not have the same aspects of them, that think that, you know, might not be a slut story or a whore-shaving stuff that's happened, but that real access to your heart is in that, but it's the water and compassion and understanding of the human experience. And again, I have no idea what the question was to start off with. When it comes right.

Speaker 2: 43:07

Thank you, Caroline. It's really beautiful to hear you talk about that and the journey and where you were and this desire that carried you through, Starting from when you were talking about bacteria and water systems and you were miserable and disconnected and you followed the spark of desire and your life changed and shifted. Things fell apart and you it. Just what I'm hearing is this staying with yourself that took you on a real journey of having things that you really never thought were possible, this integration. I'm hearing of loving these parts that you thought were unlovable, and compassion for yourself and really doing life differently and having partnership along the way, and it's really I'm so intrigued about that, about this desire that carries us forward, and I always like to say we get on this path sometimes things that are beyond our wildest dreams, and it sounds like this connection between pussy and heart is something that you didn't even think was possible.

Speaker 3: 44:27

Yeah, I you know, to the point where I was thoroughly instructed that that was not a possible way of living. Exactly, exactly, yeah, it was.

Speaker 2: 44:37

Yeah, yeah. I'm so curious because we talk about desire and you talked about the spark of desire. What does desire feel like in your body, like when you, when you feel a desire? What does that? How does that come in for you into your body? How does that lands for you where you're like oh, I want that. What does that feel like?

Speaker 3: 45:00

Again, this is actually. This is a big part of my like I. I have a very locked in sense of knowing when something's for me which I didn't realize I had and I look back and actually see that I was just like, oh, I get to do that, oh, we're doing that, and now the felt experience is very much. I'm gonna have to share this because it came in the exact opposite of what my goals used to be. I used to like have this like super tight pussy and it's like you know, you know really like hard. And now it's like this, like a real sense of like very physical opening of the pelvic diaphragm muscles are softening and it's almost like a heaviness and a falling outwards, a slight like just drop outwards on my actual pussy and then that accesses, this, brings up this.

Speaker 3: 46:09

I'm trying to not use the word energy, but it's this energy that has a very kind of glittery but smoky, you know, sensation to it, and I had to train myself for the difference between it just being a very physical turn on, because I can now have the sensation of when it hits my heart and that gives us like senses of softening and opening at the same time. And then, somewhere along the way, my mind follows up with an old fuck moment Okay, that's what we're doing. Sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's like, yeah, that's really great, we're going to go there on vacation or holiday, or I'm going to, we're going to come back for dinner, and other times is that very similar to the first time I heard that podcast and it was like that, that's what we're doing.

Speaker 2: 47:08

Oh shit, okay, yeah, I know those, I know those, oh shit, you could just feel the truth of it. I love how you're talking about feeling this in your pussy and I know. I know what you mean, and I'm curious for listeners who might not be as connected to their genitals as what you're talking about. What would you recommend to women who are listening about how to hear desire or how to be connected to their sex and their heart?

Speaker 3: 47:49

There's two aspects that I always like a grounding starting point, and the first one is actually just touching your pussy, like for non sexual purposes. There's so many guides. You can just Google mapping, you know vaginal mapping, pussy mapping, vulva mapping and starting to and the practice is very simplistically just touching each and every half inch, from the top of like where all the hair is in your outer lips, right the way into your like, if it's comfortable for you to go internally and just like, notice the sensation, notice it from a place of that's what that feels like, not a oh that feels good or that feels bad, or I can't feel anything at all just noticing what's there Because, like anything, there's a like, even like. Even the fact that we don't even call our genitals what they're actually called or the names are out there are either technically offensive you know I'm a massive supporter of cunts but even that like I don't use that much because you know plus, you'll get your thrown off the internet by the box you've stopped using the word cunt. People will throw you off the internet. It's a and it's a great word. If you haven't heard of Kate Lister, oh more, horse of yours. She's a sex historian. She has an amazing podcast, ted talk, on the word cunt, but it's a highly recommend. But yeah, just like just the fact that we don't have language, we don't touch ourselves other than, like you know, go into the bathroom or like trying to get off, and it's literally a sense of those neural pathways in our brains just don't have the connections there. They don't exist. They're like really like you know, if you don't like lift anything up, like lift anything or you use your body, the muscles will actually fit the same. So building up those connections is just like starting point.

Speaker 3: 50:12

The next thing I kind of adapted to myself and like what I teach is from the world of consent. You know it's like obviously consent is this like huge topic and but most of the time actually consent is very dry thing. It's like it's a very mental concept. But as I was again moving through this sexual logical body work, it was like, does this my training, which is like hands on it, like touching yourself and touching other people as well, hands on, hands in, and like physiotherapy, but for the sex, sex logical stuff?

Speaker 3: 50:59

One of the things was that if you one of the practices and the teachings in, that is, if you're having and receiving a kind of touch that your body is not a yes to, even if your mind is. There's going to be this inbuilt protection mechanism and it's like a part of the fight flight freeze on nervous system. And if we're receiving something that doesn't feel good but we don't want, even if our mind says it's okay and it feels like it's okay and we actually think that we want it for body is not fully on board. What happens is you're not going to run away, you're not fighting it off. So as that protection mechanism comes in, it just freezes slightly, numbs, it disassociates, disconnects, it protects itself from the stuff it doesn't want. It's fucking amazing when you think about it, like the mechanisms of the body. Just they blow my mind and what you've actually got and we, you know in the world of sex coaching, you know how you do. One thing is how you do everything. How you do sex is how you do life. So if you're going through this plan, this is what really landed for me was oh, if I'm receiving and doing stuff in the bedroom that my body's not a full yes to. What am I doing in life I'm not a full yes to, because everything I'm doing in life I'm not a full fuck, yes to, I'm actually disassociating from slightly, I'm actually numbing myself out. And you know, even a really basic exercise which I love is just like right down your to do list from today which of that stuff excited you, turned you on, felt good in your body.

Speaker 3: 52:47

Most of us, when we start that it's zero and we wonder why that we're in this space of constantly overriding what our body is communicating. So it's creating this like sense of disconnection and numbness, and where this always ends up is this place of like doing the right things, doing ticking all the boxes of how I should be happy. Actually, inside I'm not feeling that I don't feel connected. So, if that and this, this is years of practice, this isn't just something that happens overnight. With that, like you know, we, we are practitioners here, like we are fluent in our body language and we've done the work to get there. Because, you know, most people who've done the work to get there have come from a place of high levels of disassociation.

Speaker 3: 53:42

And it starts with and this is the recommendation again with any client or any woman I speak to is just top and tail your day with something your body's a yes to. Don't worry about jumping off a cliff, blinding to a thunderstorm, like I did, you know, quit a 10 year career and decided to go into professional asshole stroking with no concept of how to run a business or what that meant. It's going to take a while to kind of get your head around it all. But actually building up that communication with your body is like it's not just about pleasure, but pleasure is a really good place to start. If something feels good and actually feels good in your body, practice that for two months, three months, add more and more stuff that actually adds that sense of energy to your body, maybe turns you on a little bit, feels really good. Might be a slick of red lipstick, it might be underwear, it might be no underwear at all, you know, might just be a really good cup of tea, might be a really sexy cup of coffee.

Speaker 3: 55:07

But we can start to just make little tweaks and over time it's that, like you know, old school life coaching, 1% shift at a time, but it really, really builds up. And then there's this point that happens and I know you'll know this one of when you're trying to do something that you think you should be doing and your body's a note to it and it's like getting a cat into a like a cat carrier case, when it knows it's going to the vet and it's just like it feels like you just hit a wall and it's like there's nothing you can do about it. Even 30 seconds ago it was a full yes. So yeah, it's not.

Speaker 3: 55:50

I think that's a really important thing is even for women that have access to a lot of sexual energy or they're more familiar with the pussy energy over the heart connection or you know, it's like they're more comfortable in the sex world. It doesn't necessarily mean that you've got the fluency and the connection with your body. It takes time to build up that level of sensitivity, because we do not live in a world where that is possible to exist a normal life and be that open and sensitive. So it is yeah, I will talk and talk and talk when you get me going, yeah.

Speaker 2: 56:32

I love how you just opened so beautifully. Thank you, you've been so generous, and what I really hear is a dialing back to what is it that I want, what is it that feels good to me, what is what is pleasurable, what can I have, what am I a yes to and what am I a no to? And following that, and that is, in my experience, how we build self trust and that we can grow from there.

Speaker 1: 57:05

I think the two of you have been so incredibly generous. I love all the different peaks that we've had. You know, when Caroline spoke about the different compassion not the different compassion, but the compassion for all the unlevelable parts of ourselves and how that's actually the ticket that gets us to open our heart. I love how you spoke about your previous partner and talked about how you had access to this piece that was so blissful and for so long you thought it was him. It's true, as women I mean maybe as humans, but we do this so often we are able to unlock a piece of ourselves and we think it's. We want to give the, not the access, give the stripe, give the reward, claim it. It's because of them, but actually it's because of us, and you spoke to that so beautifully. I love how you talk about the fluency in our bodies and how you you talked about the, the stripping back right, or Brenda summed it up so beautifully. But I believe this is part of it, part of the desire. Practice is becoming fluent in. How is our desire speaking to us? What is actually being said? What do I want to lean into? And it is like a different language. It's the language of the body. It's the language of the inner whisperer, it's the dance between you and the universe and the cosmos, and I also want to share with our listeners that part of my belief system is you get to be sovereign so you can be fully turned on and not be a yes to every partner. That's possible. Like you can be fully turned on and choose, make a logical choice for what's best for you. In that time you get to step into your woman and into your adult. It doesn't have to be a place where you just let you know everything go and you just off with the wolves.

Speaker 1: 59:07

Likewise, I believe we can have access to our hearts and be fully open, and I understand the fear there sometimes is. I don't want to get hurt and sometimes having our heart open means that we get to experience loss and pain and grief. That's part of it. But having our heart open also allows us to experience so much more, to experience each other, to experience the world with so much more depth. And I just want to encourage everyone to practice that, just how you practice desire, practice opening your heart and trust, as Brenda says.

Speaker 1: 59:47

Trust that, no matter what comes, you'll be strong enough to hold yourself in it. Trust that, whether heartache, heartbreak or full on bliss, like you can hold it, and even if you're falling short of the holding it, it's a range, little by little, as Caroline said, even if it's just 1% better, we're just getting better at that, so I don't have that much to add. Dear listeners, I think Caroline and Brenda have done an excellent job on today's podcast. I think we touched on a lot of things that, to be honest, could be spoken about for many, many hours, so hopefully this is enough of a chunk for people that they can grasp their teeth and nibble a little bit at a time. Yeah, that's all I'd say. Brenda, thank you for asking.

Speaker 2: 1:00:40

That is absolutely gorgeous. Thank you, Catherine. Caroline, it's been such a pleasure to have you on today. How can our listeners contact you or know about your work? Where can they find you?

Speaker 3: 1:00:55

Yeah, thank you. The best place to kind of get a feel for me, obviously, if you want to delve a little bit deeper than what we've talked about today, is Instagram is probably the most juicy place. Facebook as well. I know you're going to drop the handles in here and, yeah, I have a website that's coming in a little very for a little tweak. It's been there for a while but yeah, it's got all my contact details on that and, if this has really touched anyone, I work with women, with policies and I offer a free introductory consultation. So that's how, the best way to figure out if going deeper with me and I'm your teacher, we just get on the phone or the Zoom these days and connect that way.

Speaker 2: 1:01:46

So yeah, thank you so much, caroline. It's been an absolute pleasure to have you on Desire is Medicine. All right, thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast.

Speaker 1: 1:02:06

Desire invites us to be honest, loving and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.