28 ~ The Power of Desire and Feminine Empowerment with Tatiana Dellepiane

This episode takes you on a soul-stirring quest with Tatiana Dellepiane, a beacon of sacred sexuality and embodied wisdom, guiding us through the lush terrain of personal growth by yielding to our innermost cravings. We delve into the beauty of desire, celebrating the potent feminine energy that fuels spiritual evolution, and how Tatiana's journey inspires a fierce sense of empowerment in all women.

Our heart-to-heart conversation threads through narratives of self-discovery, narrating the tales of life-changing whispers that prompt seismic shifts in our lives. You'll find kinship in the stories of courage it takes to sever ties with the past and step boldly towards a future sculpted by our truest selves. We weave through the mysteries of self-love and the rituals that return us to our divine core, from the sacred dance of Kundalini yoga to the rhythmic heartbeat of African Latino drum circles.

We reflect on the audacity to conquer generational fears and the resolute pursuit of love, undeterred by the specters of past traumas. We discuss the aspirations that ignite our souls, and Tatiana shares her own personal deepest desires.

Tatiana's profound gratitude echoes through our discussion, a testament to the power of being seen and the enduring quest for an authentic connection. So, join us as we affirm that living a life led by desire is not just a path to honesty and love but a celebration of deep intimacy with ourselves.

Click the links below to connect with Tatiana Dellepiane.
www.tatianadellepiane.com

https://www.instagram.com/tatianadellepiane/

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Desire as Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by Desire inviting you into our world.

Speaker 2: 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life. Motherhood relationships and my business Desire has taken me on quite a ride and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher turned coach and guide of the feminine.

Speaker 1: 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married. I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of tired and wired and my path led me to explore Desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker and a forever student.

Speaker 2: 0:58

Even after decades of inner work, we are humble beginners on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of Desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

Speaker 1: 1:12

On the Desire as Medicine podcast. We talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of Desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked being responsible for our desire. Welcome, welcome, friends and listeners. Today I am, or we, Brenda and I have the pleasure of having the love of Tatiana here today. Tatiana Lelafian, I don't actually don't even know how to pronounce your last name, how would you pronounce Lela?

Speaker 1: 1:41

Lelapeani Lelapeani. Tatiana Lelapeani is here. I hope you enjoyed her gorgeous voice, but I have a few things to say about her before she comes on. She's a teacher of embodied wisdom, sacred sexuality and energetic mastery. Her mission has been to help with the return of the feminine essence into the modern world. Like most masterful energy healers, she has been a student of energy and sensual choreographic healing for her entire life, studying modalities from around the globe. She incorporates the ancient wisdom of tantra, sacred sexuality and indigenous practices adapted for the modern world. She's been foodshed in many places glamour, cosmic politics and women's health, healthcom, askmencom, your tangocom, and now on our podcastcom.

Speaker 2: 2:32

Yes, so happy to have you.

Speaker 1: 2:37

I want to add here that that's her bio and it's really pretty, but she's someone that I know in person, like I know her in real life, and she has this gorgeous, fierce feminine energy. When Brenda and I were sort of just touching base before we had her on today, we talked about this gorgeous quality that she has. She carries her sensuality really well. You can really see it on the outside. She also carries this gorgeous fierceness on the outside, but I have to say that I haven't seen that many women masterfully carry such gorgeous energetic boundaries. Like she doesn't really have leaky sexual energy for somebody.

Speaker 1: 3:19

That's in the tantric or sacred arts and it's really palpable and it's something that I really want to put my like, point my finger on, because it's not something that women get to really witness often and it's it's masterfully done. It takes tons and tons of practice. She holds it well and for listeners that you're not looking at her, I just want to tell you that as she speaks, I want you to hopefully really feel that palpableness of that and just live through her like it is possible, right, brenda? Is there something you would add about Tatiana here?

Speaker 2: 4:00

That was such a delicious intro. I want to add that I feel Tatiana is pure permission Like just being around. Her is pure permission for being a powerful, fierce, feminine woman on the path, a sexy woman. I mean. You're beautiful to look at and inside you're beautiful as well.

Speaker 1: 4:25

Oh hon. So I am going to just speak some bridges here, as I think we have pierced Tatiana's heart, as we usually do our listeners when we first start, and part of this podcast really, really is for us to be able to see through one another and just see what is possible through another woman, and also reception, and you do it so beautifully. Welcome Tatiana.

Speaker 3: 4:56

Thank you, that was really beautiful. Thank you so much for seeing me and for receiving me. I'm a little emotional right now.

Speaker 1: 5:05

It's okay, we can take a moment. We can take a moment to feel, and I will talk about something that we were talking about a few minutes ago, which is like how desire isn't really spoken about in many spaces and the way that we speak about it in this space right, it can be often spoken about how we're going to mess. Not, I can't speak. How are we going to manifest this desire, how are we going to create this desire? And I can't remember maybe, brenda, you remember what episode we talked about, the desire cycle. But even in that desire cycle, there's a place where reception happens and gratitude for reception and gratitude for our work, and I think that what Brenda and I are having the pleasure of witnessing here is Tatiana receiving how she's being witnessed by the world, and like the bigness of that.

Speaker 2: 6:08

It is beautiful to see you receive how we talk about you. I know our listeners can't see, but I just see you tearing up and it was really beautiful to feel you receiving that.

Speaker 3: 6:21

Yeah, thank you. Can you share a?

Speaker 2: 6:23

little bit of what was tender about that for you. What made you tear up?

Speaker 3: 6:31

Well, I'm working around this right now. I did a thing a few days ago on how my desire is to be well received and I love how this showed up for me, for me to be able to actually be open right now and to take this in, because if this was another moment, it would be really hard for me to actually take it in. And, yeah, and just receive, because it's still hard, as no matter like my journey, how long I've been doing this, it's still hard to receive. Have people see me. We all want to be seen. We all want to be big and be able to be seen for who we are and our medicine and our magic. And yeah, because we didn't have that as women or even as growing up, not being seen. So it was a yeah, it touched a spot in me and I'm grateful for that.

Speaker 1: 8:02

Thank you for sharing that and, brenda, thank you for asking. That actually touches something in me because I agree with what you're saying, tatiana. I think we all want to be big. I think we all want to be seen. I think we're constantly all working on our reception and it's really hard to be that open to receive even goodness, like we'd be the first to say, like I want to be a billionaire, I wanted this, I want that, all the things, like I want to manifest this, I want to create this, and then it happens and we're like, uh, and the body freezes right, it's like a lot to take in. And, yes, we didn't have that, or at least I did not have that. I did not have any role models to witness being her bigness, being in their bigness, seeing how they wanted that bigness and seeing them receive life and not from a place of just soft reception. I have witnessed women, especially in my younger years. I have seen women manipulate and seen women take it.

Speaker 3: 9:02

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 9:03

Seeing a woman receive. It is very beautiful yeah.

Speaker 3: 9:06

Yeah, especially when, um, especially when you come from the family that you have and you see, like your own mother, um, you can learn a lot from that, from seeing how she is closed and not able to receive. And yeah, and I think about that a lot of like how I model that. You know that I still have those things and I'm working. You know I'm still working through that of like how much I don't let myself um receive even even little things, and how I make it hard for myself.

Speaker 2: 9:58

Hmm, I really feel you there. I'm so glad you brought that up because I think that people look at a beautiful, powerful woman like you and would find it hard to believe that you have trouble receiving. I don't mean trouble, but, like we all have to open to receive. I think it's a lifelong practice opening to receive more as we grow and get bigger in our life and learn to have more. Um, but can you say more about about that, about what's challenging or vulnerable about receiving, because I don't. I don't think people really understand what that means and I would love to talk about that a little bit.

Speaker 3: 10:42

Well it's. I think it's even hard for women to even actually have a desire to even express it. I mean, when I work with women, that's one of the things that's really hard for them to share their vision for what they want in their life and express what it is that they desire. It's even hard for them to even name it because it challenges the life that they have right now. And if you follow that desire, that whisper because we all hear that whisper and it's up to you if you really want to listen to it and a lot of these women don't listen to that whisper and they just go along with their lives because they're so afraid to lose what they have the husband, the relationship, the life that they are living in the moment. Fear of, like, what can happen in the other side of that if I take this risk of following my desire, and so it's really hard for them to actually even receive that.

Speaker 2: 11:58

Beautiful. Yeah, it's really true when you said it's hard for women to even have a desire. We talk about that a lot Just to even have a desire and admit it to yourself and then share it with somebody else and then be open to receive it. There's really a lot of pieces there.

Speaker 1: 12:26

What are you cracking up about? Because I think I just heard something like the undercurrent of what we're talking about right now and the thing I heard was oh, I think that we as a society are really good at naming the desires that are shiny and that everybody wants, but the ones that are hard for us are the ones that are really bubbling in us and it's for us and it's not necessarily a collective desire. I just thought about it because when Tatiana was saying, oh, it's really hard for women to admit what they want for themselves, the first thought in my mind was like, well, people tell me all the time they want to be married, they want a partner, a conscious partner, they want to make money. And then she said, because it challenges the life they have or that we have, and I'm like, yes, that's it.

Speaker 1: 13:29

It becomes the difficult spot is not just naming your desire, but naming a desire that is true for you, unique to you, and you'd have to back it alone, because potentially, your community would say to you why do you want that? I mean, that's weird. Like why don't you want the BMW? Or why don't you want the castle? Like what is it? I think something and that's why I giggled because I said, oh yes, this is it. It's not just the asking of the desire, it's one step further, asking for a desire that is unique to us, that potentially is shiny only for us, that other people are like oh, I don't want to do that. No, no, thank you.

Speaker 3: 14:20

And it does feel that bubble like what you said. It's like something's boiling inside of you and you don't say the thing, not even to your partner of, like the true desire, you just keep that hidden. So it's like we live in a secret because we have these things bubbling inside of us, because who am I to even, like, say that thing out loud that I really want that?

Speaker 1: 14:57

Or if I admit that out loud and I can't even fathom how I could have it, I'll be so sad. Yeah, it brings up so much sadness Because if we look at the camps, going back to what you said very, very early on today, if I begin and I say to myself I want this big thing, but I'm so far away from it, I've already let myself down. I didn't even start it. But there are so many people out there that say you can just have whatever you want, you can just manifest your desires, you can just create it, you can magnetize it, and sometimes it just doesn't work that way. Right, it's?

Speaker 3: 15:38

not, it's not true, it's just not because it's just not, it doesn't, it just doesn't happen. Not all desires know you cannot have all your desires and a lot of desires are come from another place, like the. It's not really like the true desire. True desire is inconvenient and it comes with a lot of resistance.

Speaker 2: 16:12

Ain't that the truth? Yeah, I want. I want to go back to what you said earlier. You said about the whisper, hearing the whisper.

Speaker 1: 16:20

How does a desire?

Speaker 2: 16:21

come for you, like how do you know that there's a desire brewing in Tatiana's being? Like what does that look like for you or feel like for you?

Speaker 3: 16:33

It's when you hear that whisper and it's like and it comes through in an inconvenient time. That whisper shows up not, it doesn't come through when I want to, it just like, pops up whenever. I'll give you an example. So, like over 15 years ago, I was in in another relationship. I was waiting for nine years and we were engaged for the last two and I knew that this wasn't working out Logically. But I remember that I started hearing this whisper every morning because I was in a down depressed and I was just like what? This is not the life that I want, like, this is just not it. He can't be the one either. But I love even though I love him so much and I do want to be with him forever, he's just not, it's just not happening, it's just not the one.

Speaker 3: 17:42

And I was having these conversations within myself and I always heard a whisper every morning when I would wake up, and that whisper is clear and direct that will tell me leave him, that's it, that's it, leave him. And I'm like what did that come from? You know, what is this Like? And I was fighting it because I'm like I can't, I just can't, I couldn't, I couldn't do it, and then eventually, he was the one to tell me that it was, that it was over and and it was a blessing, because I couldn't do it myself, I just couldn't.

Speaker 3: 18:29

I heard the whisper. I heard, you know, like I had a desire of, like I want out, but I just didn't know what was in the other side of that. It was so damn scary and it was, oh my God. I've been through a lot after that, holy shit. But that's how the whisper shows up for me, shows up in the dark, when I'm sleeping, at night, when I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I'm hearing. You know, I just hear these, these, you know this whisper, and it just shows up whenever it's not convenient for me. I can't control it.

Speaker 1: 19:14

This whisper that said leave him. What did you think they wanted you to leave? Like, why did you think they wanted you to leave him? Did you think, oh, I leave him, I meet someone else right away. Or did you have a thought like I leave him, I'm going to be alone until I die? Like, leave him. What did that mean? Was there any other thinking past that?

Speaker 3: 19:34

They that whisper also said because you're here on a mission. And it was the same whisper I heard when I was seven years old. I know it sounds, you know who?

Speaker 1: 19:47

No, no no, no, I I'm. I'm wanting to help, well, to engage with you here, but also help our listeners, because I think a lot of us know some well, I don't want to say a lot of us. Hmm, how good. Some of us have had the experience where we have a whisper, that's like that intuitive knowing, right, potentially desire, like something else is occurring. That's way beyond anything we can fathom in the 3d form, in our human form, and then there is a very human thought, right, usually there's a fear, there's you called it resistance, but there's something that comes up for us Maybe it wasn't as simple as you said like I can't do that, or something else. What was happening? You hear the whisper, leave him. You hear because you're on a mission. And then what happens?

Speaker 3: 20:39

Well, I didn't know what it was at the time. I was like what do you mean? This is weird. But I remember that I had those moments when I was younger, but I just never understood what it was. So I did talk back to that whisper Cause. First of all, I thought it was crazy. This is like 15 years ago. I didn't know like I call this moment, all the years that I was with him as being asleep because I had lost all my abilities, my gifts and all that. So when I heard that, I was like am I like losing my mind? Cause I know I'm a little depressed right now, what is this? So? But I knew that it was recurring. It was like happening a lot, a lot, and I kept talking back like I can't. There's just no way that I can do this, that I can. I can't break up with him. So I did talk back a little bit, you know why, would there no way.

Speaker 1: 21:44

Oh, a million and one reasons.

Speaker 3: 21:49

It's just afraid to be alone.

Speaker 1: 21:54

Thank you for that, for your honesty. I sort of wanted to point that picture because I think I think often we'll hear the whisper leave him, you have a bigger mission. Next thought can't do that, I'm going to be alone, right. But when I think we lean into desire, there's such a huge journey. Like you said, I went through so much after that.

Speaker 3: 22:20

Oh, that's brutal.

Speaker 3: 22:24

Yeah, thank you I wanted to die right after that. Let's just, yeah, yeah, I've never been alone. I haven't been alone since I was 17. I've been serial monogamous, always in relationships. I've hardly had a lot of time being single. Yeah, and he was my safety. I come from a lot of abuse at home A lot of physical, emotional, sexual abuse my whole life and he was an amazing guy. He was, but he just wasn't. You know my partner Like I knew that it was complete. I felt that it was complete and I had to be alone for some time and discover who I even am. I didn't know who I even was in this relationship because it was so codependent and, yeah, that's why it felt like a death when he finally did break up with me and I was just so lost and devastated. Oh my God, yeah, it was like an out of body experience for me. It was really hard to like. There was a lot of like chaotic energy, nervousness and not wanting to be here.

Speaker 2: 23:57

I can relate to that one. Oh yeah, it sounds like a really dark time for you. Yeah, can you. And now here you are, so I'm looking at you now going?

Speaker 2: 24:12

We introduced you as this, like permission for sexuality and being this beautiful, powerful woman in the world. And you're saying you were in this relationship where you were asleep and you didn't even know yourself and you were kind of thrown into this darkness of the unknown and you said you went through a lot. So can you draw the bridge for us of how, like how, you got here now, like what cause? I always think there's some deep desire inside of us that carries us through something that we want for ourselves, and maybe it relates to this mission that you mentioned earlier which I'm definitely gonna go back to later if you don't talk about it now, because I'm so curious about that. Like, can you paint a picture for us of what that looks like? Well, how did you grow? How did you get here?

Speaker 3: 25:05

So I started focusing on how do I find like, how do I find the thing to like, love myself. Because I was, by this time, I'm already like 28, 29. I never knew that that was a thing of like. Oh, there's a thing of like you love yourself. I've always done for others my whole life, since I was a child, and I didn't know what that meant. It was really hard because I couldn't. I just didn't know what that meant Like. Oh, tatiana, you just have to love yourself. What does that mean Like? How does that feel like? What does that taste like? Like, I just don't know what that means.

Speaker 3: 25:57

And I went on a journey of like, trying to find that. It was a long journey and I got into different things. I mean, I got into Kundalini yoga, I read a lot of Rumi and Jorbron and Hephez. I started writing a lot of mystical poetry just to try to find the beloved within me. What does that mean, my beloved? So it was like this romantic relationship with myself For a while and also healing myself and that relationship and the breakup, because I felt like I lost myself. And I went to Egypt at one point and I have a big connection to Egypt and I remember that I was in the middle of a journey and I was in the middle of a journey and I was in the middle of a journey and I was in the middle of a journey. I went to Egypt and I remember that I was in the middle of the desert, like thousands of miles away from the city, and I just like walked off from my the people that I was with. I walked away and I was just like alone in this, like vast desert, and if that's where I clicked, that's where it clicked in me of like, oh my God, I dropped on my knees and I said this is God, this is the beloved, like I felt it in that moment in my heart and I just like kissed the sand, that sand all over my face, and I was just like in awe and wonder and there was so much beauty and so much like, oh my God, like this feels ancient, this is love, this is my beloved. So from there I knew that I needed to heal my sexuality, my sex, my femininity. And the way to that because God works in mysterious ways is that he brought my now husband into my life at that time. So I reunited with my husband I mean he wasn't my husband then. But I reunited with Dave and when I got with him I was just like I'm gonna heal my sex with you, just like you broke my heart years ago, just like you did what you did years ago, I'm just gonna use you as a guinea pig and learn all my 10 Tentrica things. At that time I had no Tantra training but I knew that I was a natural born Tentrica and I was just gonna use him. That was like my thing.

Speaker 3: 28:59

I started diving into different spiritual modalities and I got into a lot of African stuff, like a lot of African Latino music and drum circles. So I did that for many years. I did that for many years where I would go and dance. A big part of my healing was actually dancing. So I call myself a spirit dancer because I aspect and I channel the goddess when I am dancing. So when I go to these Cuban circles, I got super connected to that kind of spirituality and that's where I felt like this Shakti in the body, which is the feminine, primordial essence. At the same time, a couple of years later I actually found my teacher and I went off to train with her, because now, after I broke up with that other, my ex. I was doing a lot of upper body chakras, working the heart, healing my heart. It was mostly about finding myself and healing my heart, but I wasn't really doing a lot of work underneath the navel but it hit me. Oh, I got to do that work for me to be integrated into a field whole. And I know we don't have a lot of time here because and one day I'll talk about this more, because I've been wanting to talk about this more I actually learned about boundaries and leaking energy actually through the drum circles, because the drum circles are male dominated they're Cuban, they're Puerto Rican, they're Dominican, so there was a lot of misogynistic things going on there.

Speaker 3: 31:12

They did not allow women to come in and dance, especially because I'm not Cuban and I'm not black. But I knew how to dance like them and they were like who are you? How do you know how to dance this? And I learned how to throw myself in there, push everyone, take space and actually give myself permission to channel and dance their music. And they used to call me Oshun and Yamaya, which is their goddesses that they prayed to. It was just really beautiful. It's a beautiful experience that I had in my life that, oh my god, and that's where I learned about how to hold my energy and have boundaries and speak up and stand out for myself. From that experience More than my tantral training, I would say.

Speaker 1: 32:22

That makes sense. Thank you so much for sharing that. That makes complete sense. It's sort of clarity comes from action, not from thinking about it.

Speaker 1: 32:32

We're not going to perfect our boundaries from the boundaries book even though no shade on Townsend, I think that that's a great book. But the truth is that, yes, we learn our energetic boundaries, our sexual boundaries, by using them in environments where it's potentially. We're not going to learn it in the church, right. We're going to learn it where there are people that are actually pushing up against the boundary. That's when we're like, oh, this boundary is solid and that's where we really get to work that muscle out. That's so gorgeous.

Speaker 3: 33:06

I mean, even Dave used to say, because I took him once he was like this is not safe, but I still kept going. I didn't care. I'm like I'm going every Sunday. Every Sunday for like six months to, I mean, a year. I would always go. I was very dedicated and committed. I've been doing that since 2009. I don't do it anymore. I don't live in the city anymore, but that's one of the things that I really really do miss in my life.

Speaker 2: 33:41

I just have to go back also. I want to first of all say that was absolutely beautiful. I loved hearing that story. I loved that moment that you talked about being on your knees and the sand and Egypt. I really felt that that was absolutely beautiful. Thank you for painting such a generous visual picture. It was gorgeous and I'm just so curious about this one little detail. You said so, you meet your husband, you dated him way back and then you were with the other guy. You were going to be engaged with.

Speaker 3: 34:18

So let's just keep it real, cause I am very, I'm very transparent. A few months before my ex fiance broke up with me, I cheated on him with my now husband, dave. So we both cheated on our fiance's on a drunken night after acting school acting class and I don't drink, by the way so I had a few shots, got drunk and you know that was a whole big drama and that's when my, like my sexual, spiritual awakening started happening, because I started like going through some changes and I was like what is going on? Cause I got super activated with this erotic energy in my body and I didn't know what it was, but I knew that there was a remembrance, cause I'm like I feel like I remember this.

Speaker 2: 35:19

Hmm, thank you. Thank you for sharing that. I wanna go back also to what you said earlier about this mission that you spoke about. You really captured my attention when you said I have a mission. I feel like I had a mission and I felt it when I was seven years old. Can you share more about that please?

Speaker 3: 35:40

So when I was a little girl, I was very open. I'm a psychic medium, I have a lot of all the senses and I think it's because I have trauma, since I was two years old, recurring. So by the time that I was seven I was already very open and experiencing a lot of mystical experiences that I didn't have any support on because I didn't tell anyone. So a lot of these things would happen in the dark. That's why I have such a connection with the dark, feminine and all that. So when I was in bed, sleeping in the dark, something would wake me up and I felt like a presence that was sitting on my bed and at the time, even though I was going to Catholic school, obviously I believed in Jesus, but I believe that this was a feminine aspect at the time and she would talk to me and I was always like I was even as a child hearing her say that it was kind of like a comfort of her letting me know, kind of like how my life was gonna go, like I experienced everything then because of like my journey, though I quite couldn't understand it. But she did say, because it's part of your mission, and obviously when I was little I didn't understand what that meant until I was older and I realized that, oh, my mission has always been to bring back the feminine essence into the planet and this.

Speaker 3: 37:51

It wasn't until years later that I realized that that voice is actually me now. It was my future self. The reason why I say that is because it's my voice now and that's the voice I remember when I was little. So my future self was visiting me, comforting me, because I was having all these mystical experiences that were like, so bizarre. I'll give you an example I was having a lot of nightmares of me being hanged, burned, different women, and I was just like waking up, like feeling that those experiences were happening to me now. So I think that that's why she would show up and give me this comfort, because by the age of seven, I have been through a lot already, which is the reason why. But when I broke up with my ex in 2007, all those gifts that I had when I was younger came back.

Speaker 1: 39:10

Yeah, that's such a beautiful share to know that your future self went back to I comfort you and to tell you about your mission and just open up the space In that. I would like to go back to something that you said as well, with the same line of love, when you spoke about being in Egypt on your knees and you said this beauty, this is it, this is God. And you were also talking about the question sitting with the question prior to that how do I love myself? And I've also giggled a lot at that phrase that people use because it's so flippant, like you just have to love yourself more. But we don't really have an idea of what that means and it's so hard to translate that. But it seems even in that moment, you were able to see the beauty and feel the essence of God. How did that then translate to you Like, oh, this is it, this is love.

Speaker 3: 40:17

It was just like a feeling inside of my body, like a vibration. Maybe I'm trying to translate it in my body, but like this openness of like, it felt very expansive, like whoa, like this, like this wave of energy that came through me, which is a different energy of than Kundalini or Eros. You know, this was a different divine energy.

Speaker 3: 40:50

Less Shakti, less Eros and more it's more airy, yeah, yeah, like this wave of love through me and I'm like, oh, this is it. And how do I? And even after I had that, I'm like, how can I cultivate this and keep having this? It doesn't mean that I came back home and I was like that is it. I'm complete. I love myself, because I did a couple of things after that that I did. I had some bad, you know, I made some bad decisions. I'm so self-loving.

Speaker 1: 41:26

I got it.

Speaker 3: 41:28

Yes.

Speaker 1: 41:31

I really wanted to thank you so much for answering that, to kind of put a flag there for listeners. I'll share that. I had a similar sensation One time I was in meditation and sort of my meditation was more Korean, more Tai Chi Kegong kind of thing, and I had a moment in one of my meditations, one of my moving meditations, where I felt the whole room open and expand and I was like, oh, this is it, this is what I want, it's love. Oh, my God, I'm love. Everybody's love like this is love. It's like it's this blissful feel that you can't really encapsulate, you can't really reproduce. It's sort of I call it almost like a door opens for you and you can witness. Oh, this is what I'm always veiled from, where I always have the connection to. But you put such gorgeous words to, that's true, we don't stay there. It's like you get to touch it breathe it and live it.

Speaker 1: 42:51

And then we're constantly chasing it. We're constantly like how do I remove the filter so I can be there all the time?

Speaker 3: 43:00

Yeah, how can I be there again? But then you also push it away. You're also scared of it, because that's where we're scared of being in deep intimacy with others. That's what you want. We are all chasing for that feeling, every single human being we don't. We have a tough time really feeling and seeing the divinity within us that we can actually have that, and it's the feeling of oneness, because it's separation that creates that divisive like feeling. With all that is right here right now and we're always chasing for that feeling.

Speaker 3: 43:34

It's the same thing, like I used to. I was into Sufism also and I used to do whirling and I don't know if you know what that is right. When you dance and you're moving around in a circle, quite the more you do it, you go quicker, not recommending those that are listening to do it, because you're gonna get dizzy and throw up. But I was doing that practice of whirling and I'm a pretty fast spinner so I would spin and I get why people do the whirling is because you experience God in that moment of like there's a stillness among the chaos and then like a wave of love and bliss just takes over you and then you wonder oh, this must be what all these mystical poets have been talking about for thousands and thousands of years, and it's just so beautiful.

Speaker 2: 44:45

Thank you for that. That is really beautiful. And thank you for explaining whirling, because I did not know what it was. Yeah, I love this journey that you're talking about and this growth and going in your mission and following it, and I see you doing that. Now I love to know this question. I love to know, like, how have you grown on this path of desire you know you talked about boundaries and that is an amazing example and how else have you grown on this journey of following your desire?

Speaker 3: 45:26

Ah, um, also kind of like realizing, kind of like navigating what is resistance and what is like desire Cause for me. I know that I tend to be more a resistant person. That's just the truth, because everything that I resist is ultimately what I really desire, kind of like my marriage, like my wedding. I was resistant to getting married and it was like the one desire that I couldn't touch. And there's been a couple of things like that. And it really is like entering a portal, because that desire will just keep pulling you in, even if you don't want it. Even if you don't want it, it just keeps you kind of like follow it, even though you don't want to follow it. But you kind of go that direction and it just yeah, it just happens.

Speaker 3: 46:42

And I think that one of my experiences was the portal and my initiation into getting married to my husband, because I did not think or know that I was gonna get married with him. That was just like a surprise to me and there was a lot of things that happened that I pushed against until I stepped down the aisle. I kid you not, I was holding onto my father, holding onto my father, and I was like, oh my God, I don't think I could do this. And then, as soon as I stepped in, something just shifted. Something just happened, like an energy just took me, yeah, and everything just changed for me. Once I like entered, I went through that Like I guess you used to say like a ride of passage right In your life, and just everything just shifted.

Speaker 2: 47:55

Can you say more about what shifted?

Speaker 3: 47:58

Like the way that me and my husband relate to one another, the harmony in our relationship. It became more harmonious, more abundant. It's kind of like what they say, that when you have children, many blessings come. It's the same thing with, like getting married Just a lot of blessings. Yeah, it just changed.

Speaker 3: 48:27

I would say, like our intimacy because it's a deeper commitment and then you cherish and devote yourself to that Because it's you individually. But then you also gotta take care of the actual relationship and the space between you guys. How do you cultivate that? And we take that serious of like protecting also our marriage, because it just so happens that we do. You know, even when we were getting married, we had a lot of pushback. A lot of people didn't want us to get married. It triggered a lot of people and they were just acting out. People were just acting up. So I take like me and my husband are very serious about protection of our union, but also like our devotion to it, and we know that being in union is very healing, not just for us and our families but also the world around us. So that's also part of my mission and I hope we'll see each other again soon.

Speaker 2: 49:46

Amen, yeah, it's really beautiful. I love hearing about your devotion and as we were talking about your devotion to your husband, I was really thinking about you being in Egypt on the sand and the portals and touching God with whirling, and the journey that you went through with yourself to be in this place where you can have this relationship that I can feel your heart in, and how you protect it, and how much it means to you to be the woman who can have that now. Yeah, it's really beautiful.

Speaker 3: 50:22

Yeah, because it was a desire that I had, but my unconscious part of me, but also like my inner child, was too scared to get married because what I saw as a child with my parents, there's just no way that I can have that or that it would last. I'm like it's just not gonna work out. And I remember the day before my wedding, when I was in the hotel and my husband went to the gym and I had some time to myself, I broke down crying but it wasn't me, it was my 12 year old. That was like shaking and like, oh my God, oh my God. I'm like panicking because I'm like this is not gonna work out. What am I doing?

Speaker 3: 51:13

So it was a lot of that breaking the breaking that like agreement with my family, of like that I can't have that because you guys didn't have it, because it was too motorist. It doesn't need to be that way because I am sovereign, I'm not like you guys had your own thing. So I'm breaking that generational curse that I thought that I had. And also because it didn't work out with my nine year relationship, I was like, no, I am gonna be with my beloved in the flesh and I'm gonna have it.

Speaker 2: 52:05

So beautiful and you do. You have it. And I really wanna say also how you were talking about loving yourself. We were talking about self love earlier and I think that is such a beautiful act of self love when you, the day before your wedding, when you're crying and you're going back and taking care of that part of yourself. To me that is self love, loving all the parts of our self so that the woman and you could have it.

Speaker 3: 52:32

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 52:34

So thank you for sharing that.

Speaker 3: 52:36

Thank you.

Speaker 2: 52:40

Okay, I have another question, Okay. Because I really wanna know this. What are some of your big desires now?

Speaker 3: 52:57

So all right, yeah. So my desires now is I wanna land a TV show, okay, I wanna book. I want a TV deal, I want a book deal and I wanna have retreat experiences with women. Thank you, that's so juicy.

Speaker 2: 53:30

It's so vulnerable to share it, right? I love how you just let those out. Well, I always like to say so, shall it be. And even better than you could possibly even imagine, all the speed of pussy. And then the highest good of all. Ooh, I love it. Yeah, so good. Yes, catherine, do you have anything to add here? I don't know. I don't know, I don't know.

Speaker 1: 53:57

I just love how she spit out those desires. I thought that was so juicy. She was like TV retreat, like book deal, all the things that felt so good to listen and hear. But mostly I loved hearing those desires behind, just seeing how gorgeous your reception has been for what you have had, even though you yourself awareness is like, oh, I am the kind of person that looks at desire through the lens of resistance. The more I resist, yes, it will persist, and that is probably what I want. So my wish for you is that may these things that you now desire come with a little less resistance and with even more awareness.

Speaker 3: 54:45

Yes, even my husband says it. He's like the things that you resist is what you ultimately want. I even resisted my dog getting my dog and oh, now, like I adore him, I'm like obsessed with him. And it's just so funny because, like I was just scared scared to have him because of my past experiences, you know, with my dogs in the past. Losing pets is hard, so it was really hard for me to go through that journey again, you know.

Speaker 1: 55:25

I think you've done such a beautiful job today on our conversation, speaking around your trauma and the things that you have been through and the things that you have been able to receive in spite of. I think. I often hear women especially when I'm working with women I'm sure you've felt this when you're working with women who say, well, I had trauma, I had this, I had that and because of that, I can't have X, y or Z, and you are like a living, breathing example that, yes, you had all this trauma and there you were, at seven open right, like there is a place where we can work on things and we can choose, and we can choose differently, regardless of what is still trapped in our body. Thank you for doing the work to get there.

Speaker 3: 56:11

Yeah, thank you. One thing that's part of my personality that I came through in this world is that I have always moved forward, no matter what happened to me. For three decades, I had back to back not so pleasant experiences and even though that thing happened, like the next day is a new day and the past is in the past, it doesn't exist here now and I'm gonna move forward and get what it is that I want. I gotta live my life, and they say it in Spanish echa palante y no mire patras. That's it, you know. So I live. I've always lived by that. So, even though like, yeah, I'll have a traumatic event or experience and yes, maybe in my 20s I didn't look at those experiences, but now I am, now I know how some of those experiences I have to work through, because you're still carrying it in your body, but also, when you have trauma, it's also your part of your medicine. That's why you're here. Instead of like, having the goal of like I gotta heal all this trauma Cause I'm broken. I'm not, I'm not broken.

Speaker 1: 57:41

This is so good. The thought process of I have to leave, heal all of this before I can live, and you're like, no, I will heal as I go, I will continue to move forward and I will live.

Speaker 3: 57:53

Yeah, I'm gonna live my life. Yeah, Actually, that was my wedding song, the song that I danced with my father from Mark Anthony Vivid Mi Vida, and the words, the lyrics are so beautiful. And that song I wish everyone. If you could get it in English it sounds better in Spanish, but you know, get it in English. Yeah, because it's just beautiful and it's that I need to live my life, no matter how many tears I cried, no matter what I've been through, Like, I just have to live my life.

Speaker 3: 58:33

And I danced that song with my father because I had not a great relationship with him for so many years and, well, I didn't wanna dance a slow song with him. It was just like weird. So I wanted to dance a salsa song with him. But the song had a deeper meaning for me, for us, because I kind of wanted to release my father from all the guilt and shame that he had. And then he hugged me after and it was a really beautiful moment because he said I apologize for everything I've done to you, I'm so sorry, I love you. Yeah, after we danced on my wedding. So it was a really beautiful moment.

Speaker 2: 59:24

What a gorgeous moment. Everything that you talk about. There's just so much love surrounding it. Really beautiful. Thank you for sharing all of that, thank you. We are winding down and you mentioned your medicine, so I know that our listeners are going to want to know what you do in this world and how they can contact you.

Speaker 3: 59:52

Well, I'm here to connect women to their power. That is what I am in service to Truth, love and power. And I do that in many ways. I work with women one-on-one, privately, group containers, courses, events. I've actually done it all. Yeah, you can find me on tatianalepianicom and then on Instagram. That's actually the only really social media that I use, that I'm actually active. So, yeah, just find me on Instagram. And I'm always open to connection, calls just to connect, always hear, to talk to people. And, yeah, I'm here to spread the message and share my medicine, and it really is about connecting to the primordial essence that we all have inside of us.

Speaker 1: 1:01:14

Thank you so much. We will definitely put that in the show notes. It's been just a pleasure to have you as a guest, an absolute pleasure. Thank you for your shares and just how beautifully you show up. Is there anything you'd like to add, brenda, before we say bye?

Speaker 2: 1:01:34

A lot of gratitude. Thank you so much for your honesty and your generosity and bringing your flavor of love and embodiment and possibility to our podcast today. Thank you so much. Anything you'd like to say before we close out, tatiana?

Speaker 3: 1:01:51

Yes, ladies, thank you so much for, yeah, inviting me in and, yeah, this really touched something in me. I mean, I did pray before. I'm not an easy crier, so for me to be touched and be open is a gift. So, just so you know that you gifted me this today, so you guys were very generous in giving me and yeah, and for receiving me, and thank you for seeing me for who I am, cause, yeah, I think that that's what we all want in this lifetime to be taken in for, exactly like who we are. So, thank you so much. I'm really grateful.

Speaker 1: 1:02:47

Thank you so much for your last words. I'm going to dittle them. Yes, for all of our listeners, for everybody here. We all wanna be big, we all wanna be seen, we all wanna take space and may be that and more. Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast Desire invites us to be honest, loving and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.