35 ~ How to Honor the Body's Canvas with Madison Storm

We continue our exploration of the complexities of self-love and body image with Madison Storm in this episode.   We crack open the dialogue about how societal standards and peer pressure have the power to shape our self-perception, with a nod to cinematic moments that capture this struggle perfectly. Madison's candid stories of artistic exploration through back nude selfies ask us to consider whether we're simply products of the selfie generation or if we're truly embracing self love.

Our conversation stretches as we connect Madison's experiences with capturing her own movement on camera, to the intimate act of painting herself and others, revealing how these mediums served as lifelines during the isolation of a pandemic, and beyond.  We also touch on some of Madison's grounding practices and their influence on her personal growth, offering a glimpse into the transformation that comes from tuning into our inner selves.

Join us for a heartfelt discussion that not only celebrates our physicality but also encourages us to honor and accept every inch of ourselves—because sometimes, the most profound love affair we can have is with our own reflection.

Connect with Madison on her  Website or Instagram

Transcript

Speaker 2: 0:08

Welcome to. Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world. I'm Brenda.

Speaker 3: 0:17

I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life. Motherhood relationships and my business Desire has taken me on quite a ride and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within.

Speaker 2: 0:32

I'm a middle school teacher, turned coach and guide of the feminine and I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and, hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married. I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of tired and wired and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker and a forever student, even after decades of inner work.

Speaker 3: 1:00

We are humble beginners on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

Speaker 2: 1:12

On the Desires Medicine podcast. We talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked being responsible for our desire, piece that is often overlooked being responsible for our desire.

Speaker 1: 1:27

Hey, Brenda, we are here once again, we are and I'm so excited for our self-love, body love series. It's really so good to be here with you and our guest today on this topic. Where do I even begin? So I'm going to begin by doing the normal, the norm norm. Here Today we have Madison Storm.

Speaker 1: 2:04

Madison is a British-born artist, writer, opinionator and expressionist living in New York City. She's a devoted student of the spirit, the spirit of self, life, creativity, joy, possibility. Her work is for those who are also on this path stripping back, conditioning, remembering the depth of who they are questioning, remembering the depth of who they are, who we are playing full out, living our fullest expression. Her wish is that this may awaken or enliven something within you, and if it does not remember, you are free to leave at any moment. This is what she has on her page, so interesting she is in her creative expression. Everything you see there on her page is a consummation of the things that make her uniquely her from ayahuasca journeys in the Amazon jungle to pussy first embodiment practices, from her career in the wild west of corporate advertising to her personal odyssey through conscious sensuality and Kundalini awakening. And these are just the words that are on a page. You can find them at madison-stormcom.

Speaker 1: 3:19

But I'll let you know a little bit of how I see Madison. So Madison is a gorgeous. A little bit of how I see Madison. So Madison is a gorgeous. She's a gorgeous woman. She has traditional beauty. I met Madison at a course we were doing and I remember her having so much spunk and so much just liveliness in her and she has quite the I want to call it flirtatious giggle. It definitely calls you in. Madison also has a really, really tender bunny heart. I've often said to her she walks through the world with this Disney-like strut, let's call it, where she just sees the beauty in the world in a way that I have not had the privilege to experience in this life. And when I see her enveloped in that it's somewhat magical to witness. I would say that I have a lot more distrust in the world, potentially. Or maybe I'm constantly checking, dotting the I's and crossing the T's and she's more just like skipping through it all and it's just beautiful to witness. Welcome Madison.

Speaker 4: 4:44

Wow, thank you.

Speaker 1: 4:50

You're welcome. It's so good to have you here today. Madison is an artist, amongst many other things, and one of the things that she's been doing recently is she's doing portraits for women, beautifully capturing them. But Madison also has a whole series of mouths and, I guess, back pics of herself where she's painted and, on this series where we're talking about self-love and body image specifically, I would say anyone following you potentially is like is this just part of her generation? She is a young woman. Is this ability to take pictures of yourself is it part of your generation? Is it part of the selfie era? Part of the selfie era?

Speaker 1: 5:46

Is it something that you started doing for potentially partners that you had, or is it just comfort built in in your generation? Is it socially accepted or expected? Tell me a little bit about tell us a little bit about your relationship to back nude selfies.

Speaker 4: 6:04

I love this. I'm really grateful for that question. There's a couple of things that I want to share on that topic. So my mom was always a very glamorous, very beautiful woman and she still is. I mean God, she's still so glamorous and stunning and, you know, effervescent, and I think that I have that within me because of her. That really opened my heart there and I remember from a really young age I think she really equipped me to really care for myself and love myself physically and I remember she would always, she would always, she would, she would always really like hype me up in her own way. You know I remember her. I always had.

Speaker 4: 7:17

You know, when I was growing up it was actually part of the kind of Kate Moss era where everyone was like supermodels, super tall, slim. You did not have a big butt, you know it was. That was like the look Very, very, you know, very, very slim. And I was never very, very slim. I was more shapely, as my mom would call me, and she would always say about like my legs, and you know she would say you've got such shapely legs and you know she would kind of really be so generous with these things and it wasn't until I would go to school and I was around other girls that they would, um, that I started to realize that that wasn't like okay culturally. There's a scene in Mean Girls I don't know if you've seen the film, but there's a scene where Katie, she's like grown up in a, you know in the, in the like, um, you know in Africa and like a country in Africa somewhere, and they don't say where and uh, she, she comes to like a normal school and they're like all bitching about themselves and I hate this about myself and I hate this. And she comes in with you know kind of what, catherine, what you were saying about me, this kind of skipping into this situation, and she's like, oh, I have really bad, uh breath in the morning, you know, and they're like, uh, you know, it's this moment of I.

Speaker 4: 8:40

I was brought up to think that you know to appreciate things about myself. I wasn't brought up to think that you know to appreciate things about myself. I wasn't brought up to hate things about myself. And when I went into school, I remember, you know the girls were talking about, like, their arm hair and I didn't really have an experience about it. I just looked down at my arms and I was like, oh, I don't have any arm hair, and then I would get prank calls from them, putting on different voices, being like, oh, I really like your arm hair and like you know, all sorts of kind of insane things would happen, you know, and I was saying these like innocent things, um, and really so it was friends around me that I started to kind of feel like it wasn't okay to be confident in yourself, and you actually had to be not very confident in yourself to fit in, otherwise I would get bullied and um, and that for a long time that you know started to pervade my thinking.

Speaker 4: 9:40

It started to kind of creep in and I would compare myself, you know, when I had never compared myself to anyone, I started to compare myself to my friends and I started to have these like seeds of doubt and seeds of insecurity. And I remember one day my mom I think I must have been about gosh, maybe 14 or 15, and I was obsessing over the tiniest details of something insane, like I think it was. I had a real obsession about my arms and I was like I think I was obsessing and she just looked at me and she said, wow, beauty is really wasted on the young, and it's something that I've heard many times from different people, but there was something about the way she said it that was so like, it was like from a really deep part of herself, and the transmission of it like really woke me up and I started to make decisions about things differently. And I started to make decisions about things differently, like I wasn't going to focus and obsess about tiny pieces of my body. My mum would also say to me you know, you're zooming in on one thing, but you're not looking at like the whole thing. I think that was really true and, you know, I started to see that I had become really, you know, preoccupied by how I looked, and it was actually, a way, a real waste of my energy and a real waste of my time. And I started when I was at university. I started to see that this, you know, this preoccupation, was actually starting to impact my behavior.

Speaker 4: 11:29

I would look at photos of me and I had my hair like all in front, long, long, long hair, and I was like hiding behind this long, long hair, you know, and I would hide in these outfits that you know were really loud and gregarious, you know. And so you know the question about generationally. I think that I actually grew up. I didn't grow up in the selfie era, I didn't grow up in the camera phone era, but I did grow up in the you know, university taking photos, you know Facebook era and thank god I didn't grow up in the selfie era. Oh my god, thank god. I remember I actually have a photo of my parents first selfie and I'm like, oh, you know, it was such a, it was a. I remember when I took my first selfie it felt really like narcissistic somehow, like it felt really weird.

Speaker 4: 12:37

So I think, generationally I actually was set up in good ways and also not in good ways, know in good ways, so much that you know I didn't grow up in that era of social media, I did not grow up in that era of selfies, but set up in a bad way. That I did grow up in an era of like uh, of a body standard. That was the complete opposite of me and you know, magazine culture, particularly in the UK, is, like you know, tabloid. Magazine culture was, was ruthless and brutal about women and, interestingly, like, my mom always imparted this wisdom on me about my body. That was my relationship with her, but her relationship with it was not, like with herself, wasn't always healthy, and I could see that. You know she would read these tabloids and you know she had her own preoccupation with it. So I think that she knew that about herself and she wanted to do everything she could to to have it set up differently for me.

Speaker 4: 13:44

And then, you know, fast forward to life now and this practice of really appreciating my body and I use that word instead because, rather than like loving my body, because there are days where I might not be able to love something, but what I will do is I will always be able to appreciate something. I will always be able to say like thank you to my legs for carrying me up the stairs, you know, thank you for my feet for being able to walk me around the park. I will always be able to appreciate something about my body. And that, as a practice, totally transformed my relationship with with my body. And then actually capturing it in film and on camera has been huge alchemy for me, because just being able to see my body move is like such a gift to be able to move my body. I mean, maybe this is another thread to kind of go into in a moment, but you know what it actually looks like to take a moment, to like film myself or take photographs of myself or something.

Speaker 1: 15:12

Yes, I mean I think the first thing I'd say your mom did such a great job in that arena. I so appreciate her just pouring her love on you and telling you wow, you have such shapely legs and, oh, you're looking at this one thing. How about the whole picture? What a gorgeous and generous and loving gift to give your daughter. I'm so happy you had that. And yes, to piggyback on what you just just said what was it like for you to take back nude shots of yourself? You said it was capturing yourself on film and camera was really healing.

Speaker 4: 15:55

But say more yeah, I'm trying to track back when when that kind of first started, I think. You know, I also grew up in the era of, you know, personal cameras being more prevalent and my parents were always capturing us on film and in photos and there were always tons of photos of us and actually I found it frustrating as a kid because you were in the moment and wanted to you know, know, whatever play and have fun. But now I get to relive moments that I wouldn't have relived if she hadn't been doing that or if my dad hadn't been doing that. And, you know, through through maturing and being able to, and through maturing and being able to appreciate that it kind of feeds into that beauty is wasted on the young thing, because that's definitely those are definitely words to live by. I had my first. I decided probably around 2020, 2019, that I wanted to do a nude photo shoot or like a sensual sexual photo shoot, and I had a girlfriend with me and she had a photographer friend, and so we set this thing up. But it was the same thread of you know, beauty is wasted on the young and, and the thread for in that moment was I'm never going to be as young as I am right now and I will be like 80 and I will look back at those pictures and be like wow, like wow, I really not, not just like I really did that, but I really did that. And like wow, look at how beautiful these pictures are and even now, like that was what four or five years ago. And I look back and I look I'm so different. The transmission and the energy and the quality is so different to who I am now. But I'm like wow, I really did that, you know.

Speaker 4: 17:58

And around the same time I also decided to really push myself out of my comfort zone. And this is the other thing. It's not easy like to alchemize this thing, like culturally, like, yes, I had support from my mom like building me up in those early days, but everything culturally, everything else outside was always telling me that like my body was not right, it needs to be like this, it needs to be like that, my body was not right, it needs to be like this, it needs to be like that. And so, you know, I had to really anchor back into that like central tenet of being able to appreciate my body no matter what. And you know, I decided to try nude modeling and I remember speaking to the man that was organizing it. He was this very fabulous gay man in North London and I went to a few life drawing classes just as a hobbyist. So you know, I saw this person not as like a person. They were at a subject and I spoke to him and I was like I would like to do this, like I would like to try life modeling. And as we got closer to the date, he was like you know, preparing me about you know what to expect and what time to arrive, and I said to him I'm really nervous, and he said something like. I said to him I was like, oh, I'm really nervous and he said something like. He said something like that's so crazy to me that you're beautiful, just the way he said it was so matter of fact, um and uh.

Speaker 4: 19:42

When I actually did the class, it was so deeply meditative and, like Zen, there's no way to be self-conscious, there was no space for that. It was just being a subject, being a subject, and so I think that in this journey I've had this experience of being photographed in my, you know, upbringing, appreciating that, even though I didn't like it necessarily, in the moment, when I look back it, I was always able to really enjoy and relive that moment and then going and doing like the nude photo shoot for myself and then having that real you know, coming back and going. Wow, I was right about that. I was right about that sense that I would always look back and appreciate that moment. And you know that is part of it.

Speaker 4: 20:39

I think even in the days, especially in the days, where I don't feel good or I've got some kind of programming running or belief going or something has been said or done that has like got its way in, those are actually the times where I have to move my body and when I capture myself on camera, I'm like, oh, I appreciate my body again, my body.

Speaker 4: 21:07

And when I capture myself on camera, I'm like, oh, I appreciate my body again. It's almost like witnessing myself. You know, they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I think when we see ourselves through other people's eyes, we can't see our own beauty. We have to see our own beauty through our own eyes, and so I think when I take photos and videos of myself, it's a reminder to myself of my innate beauty and I say innate because I don't mean necessarily what's on the surface. I can appreciate what's on the surface by appreciating what my body's capable of, but there's something else that comes out when you allow yourself to live fully presently. In your body there's a radiance because you're filling yourself up and then capturing that in some way and witnessing yourself, witnessing your own radiance. It's really hard to witness your own radiance when you never look at yourself.

Speaker 3: 22:07

That is so beautiful, madison. I really feel the transformation in there. Thank you for laying that out so beautifully. I just love what you said, that you see your own beauty through your own eyes and your innate beauty. That is so gorgeous, very different from other people reflecting it back to you or even your mom hyping you up, but she set you up so beautifully to be able to eventually get through those places where you were so doubtful and preoccupied with yourself, to really seeing yourself as you truly are beautiful inside and out. And I really appreciated the piece that you said earlier about appreciating your body. You know that you like to use the word appreciation as opposed to love. It's such a a wider space, it feels so wide to me and I really appreciate that practice because I do have so much appreciation for my own body too, and even on those days where it's hard to love, for whatever reason, I'm like wow, my legs work, my arms work, my arms work, I can breathe. It's just really beautiful. So thank you for that practice.

Speaker 4: 23:36

And I'll tell you just quickly specifically how I do it, because it is a practice and I have to have a container for it and it's when I'm in the bath. I will have like a nice salt magnesium bath very often, and I will go all the way up my body and appreciate something. I will not miss anything. I'll be like thank you to my toes for allowing me to grip in jiu-jitsu, um, thank you to the base of my feet for being able to feel grass, thank you to my ankles for giving me stability, thank you to my calves for being so shapely, thank you to my knees for being able to bend and jump and skip and move. And then I'll work all the way up, and all the way up to the tip of my head, and that's that is so juicy and so beautiful.

Speaker 3: 24:28

You just opened up the door for so many women on like a practical map, a practice on how you can start appreciating your own self, because I think people don't know where to start, and that's what's so beautiful about these conversations. So I am so curious how did you go from taking those selfies to painting them? Can you share a little bit about that?

Speaker 4: 24:59

yeah. So I think the selfie practice came in when I was dating someone long distance and we not only had, you know, the distance, but we had the time difference as well, and so you know, wanting to continue to cultivate a intimacy with a partner who was far away during COVID, that was something that I really like threw myself into. So it was like you know images and video calls and photos and things like that, and it was this way to overcome something that was like beyond our control with COVID and lockdown and all of that. And so, yeah, there was that part of it, but it was also in my Kundalini practice. I was training as a teacher and going through my nine month training program and I was filming myself a lot with the postures, because I the practice of Kundalini is all about going within, and so you practice pretty much with your eyes closed. It's very different yogic practice and it's very much about felt sense. So, as teachers, we don't adjust anyone. You don't come up and tell them what they're doing wrong. It's all about your feeling inside of your body, which really is appropriate for what we're talking about. You know what I was saying about seeing the beauty of yourself through your own eyes. It's like feeling your own practice through your own eyes, trusting yourself as the teacher within you, um, always being guided by the thing within you. And then with that, there was also this curiosity of how deep I was able to get into postures, because I wasn't able to be witnessed by a teacher and the teachers do not adjust you. So you know, there was kind of like a bad student thing there as well that, like I can, I feel like I'm going deeper in camel pose or I feel like I'm going deeper in wheel pose, which is bridge in traditional yoga. Um, I feel like that and I was like I'm just gonna check, I'm just gonna have a little look, and you know.

Speaker 4: 27:11

So I started to film my practice a lot more, and it was also this accountability of sharing online a bit more about the practices I was doing every day to also see how my posture was, looking where I needed to surrender more into my heart space, or where I needed to surrender more into, like, my heart space, or where I needed to release my belly more, where I needed to um, pull and and kind of uh, pull certain parts of my body up and out, you know, um, so those, those things all together were happening at the same time and I was also going through. Interestingly, I was also going through a 12 step at the same time and I was also going through. Interestingly, I was also going through a 12 step at the time and alchemy for me was drawing. I was spending four, five, six hours sometimes doing step work every day and then I'd go and sit in the park and then I would paint and I would just, you know, draw and I paint and it really just brought those things together, like seeing, like I would maybe move and dance before Kundalini or after Kundalini and I would film myself and then I would watch it back and I would be like what? That's a really beautiful shape. You know again, kind of when I was the subject in the life drawing classes you're just a shape, you're just a subject. And then I started to see myself in a different way. It's like, oh, that's just a really beautiful shape that I naturally moved my body into without really even knowing. That was just the natural transmission of being in my body and being free and not being seen by anyone. You know, being completely free in my own living room, no one looking at me. That was the real thing and there was something so powerful about it and I wasn't really seeing that in the mainstream, like culturally. It was very curated. You know, on social media, you know even things like in porn, the female body is like curated to a certain degree, where it has to look a certain way and and actually here I was in my own practice, like pulling all sorts of weird shapes, but they were really beautiful because they were very um, embodied and authentic, and so all of those things kind of combined had me then start to paint my form, and that's really, I guess, how it began.

Speaker 4: 29:37

And then, moving to New York a few years later, those paintings from that time period were still, or they were the seedlings of the work that then became the first collection I brought to New York, the first art show that I did, and they have different flavors. You know, at the time I always find this interesting. I didn't really talk about it that much, but it isn't, it is fun, it's. It's like the, the. The images that I took for my ex at the time were for him and his eyes only, and that was a moment in time.

Speaker 4: 30:15

And then, after we broke up, I took those pictures and like, reclaimed them and made them into art for everyone to see. And it was this, you know it had a different flavor. The art I create now is much more softer and you know there's things that I haven't released right now that are very soft, very intimate, very loving, you know. So it's the art that I create is representative of where I was when I was taking the photos or shooting the video or whatever. So that's kind of the progression of how I became. You know how I started painting my form.

Speaker 3: 31:06

Thank you for that. So now you hold space for other women. Other women come to you, yeah, and you paint their form yeah, that's such a beautiful thing.

Speaker 4: 31:17

oh my god, I did it. I started it as a as a valentine's day commission idea, as you know, brenda, and it was to celebrate love, celebrate self-love, and I had a number of commissions come through that were all sorts of different intentions. You know, I had one client who, um wanted to take a photo that of a scene that her and that her partner had created together, and then they live on different coasts he lives on the West Coast, she lives on the East Coast so I created two paintings of the same image but for each of them and you know, that very much ties back into my own experience of why I first started creating them this long not first started creating the art, but a part of that origin story was doing that with my ex um, and then, you know, I had people that wanted just to celebrate themselves and that was really the deeper intention. You know Valentine's Day is, um, is really a celebration of love. I love Valentine's Day.

Speaker 4: 32:28

People think it's this hallmark thing but like it actually has its roots in chivalry, and women would take portraits, have portraits made of themselves and then sent to their men or their suitors on these heroic, epic journeys that they were on, they would always have your portrait on them and it reminded them of what they're fighting for, and that's just such a fun thing to create. In fact, for valentine's day, I made my man like a little card there's a picture of me that I painted and, um, you know, when I gave it to him, I was like you should put it in your, in your locker, at the jiu-jitsu academy. And he was like, yes, I can remember what I'm fighting for, but it's the perfect thing. It's the perfect.

Speaker 3: 33:14

That's exactly what they were intended for. I love that. I love that In the Middle Ages the knights would fight and they would hold a woman's handkerchief Right. You know she would give it to her beloved so he would stay safe and come back.

Speaker 4: 33:26

It's that same kind of feeling I love how you motivate men yes, and we're not to be motivated by our form yeah, well, we're beautiful.

Speaker 3: 33:37

Yeah, we really are, like you so beautifully stated. Um, can you, can you just talk a little bit about? I just want to go into a little bit about men and, like you know the difference. There is a difference of taking photos for men and like sending them to men as opposed to doing it for yourself. And this maybe is a larger conversation. But I'm just curious if you could speak to a little bit of that shift for you, because you said you were taking these photos for your ex during COVID and sending them to him and it was partly a way of connecting. And then what's the shift in in doing it for yourself as opposed to sending it to?

Speaker 2: 34:15

a man.

Speaker 4: 34:16

I love that question because I don't think there is a shift.

Speaker 3: 34:20

You don't think there's a shift, I don't know. Oh, can you say more?

Speaker 4: 34:24

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I take photos for me and he happens to benefit from them. I love that. Yeah, I take photos for me. I think that the thing that shifts is my intention or where I'm at. So if I'm feeling like grey, then the image feels different. If I'm feeling a little bit off or something's like in the way, the image might be a little softer or less embodied. Perhaps you, you know, maybe I'm a bit more in my head so I'm thinking a bit more about how it looks. But my favorite pictures are when I'm just kind of lying there and, and you know, relaxed and my belly is soft. You know, I don't really the only. I mean there might be a bit of an orientation to what he likes. So, you know, there might be things that I know he likes and I might take a picture just of that for him specifically, that for him specifically. But I think the, I think the part of the practice is for these photos to be sexual and sensual, regardless of who's seeing it, because it's it's me witnessing me, me witnessing me, and I know that he'll like them and that's why I send it to him.

Speaker 4: 36:17

But my camera roll is full of images of me, for me. You know I don't send him everything and it's for me, so I don't necessarily think that when I take something for my man versus when I take something for me, there's much of a shift. You know, when I didn't even have it, when I wasn't in a relationship, I would have certain female friends that I would send my images to. Can I take, can I send you this photo Because I need to share it with someone, because it's so good or I loved it so much, or it was so fun to take, or something. Thankfully, I have female friends that are willing to see me naked, you know, or comfortable in their own bodies, you know, or they might share pictures with me. Um, so, really, you know, the reorientation is it's for me, no matter what.

Speaker 1: 37:10

Thank you. I'd like to jump in here and go back to something you said. Hopefully it's still at the tip of your tongue. You talked about this practice of yours of taking pictures. I love the story of you being painted. It's so beautiful. It sounds like such a healing moment to realize. Oh, it's about my shape, part of my beauty, and people capturing it is more about my shape and me being a subject and them seeing my beauty and seeing me as a whole versus, potentially, how I've seen myself in the past, right, especially amongst societal standards. And you said, oh, there was something really alchemizing about it. And then you had this moment of I guess to use a different word alchemizing. There's a certain transmutation that was happening.

Speaker 1: 38:16

And then you spoke about the reclamation that you were having with the pictures you had taken for your ex. You're like, oh, these pictures I took to stay in connection and increase our intimacy or play in intimacy with him. Now I'm going to reclaim them and have the world be able to benefit from this art. Let me change it in a particular way. And then you said that now you have drawings that potentially haven't even shared yet that they're so much more soft or softer, and you called it a celebration of love, and so I'm wondering if I were to give it like a one, two, three, four. We're looking at alchemizing, transmuting, reclaiming and then celebration of love.

Speaker 1: 38:59

I wonder what was in the middle, potentially, between reclamation and celebration of love. Reclamation and celebration of love Was there a portal there that we're potentially not really shining the light on? I'm assuming for somebody listening they're like oh wow, I can go and take pictures that potentially I gave my partner. I can reclaim them as my own and use them as potential art for myself. But what is? How do we get from? This is my reclamation of me, and now I've landed in celebration of love.

Speaker 4: 39:39

Yeah, that's a good question. I think that this might be controversial because at the moment there's this rhetoric of like, love yourself at any size and love yourself, no, any size and love yourself no matter what, and blah, blah, blah. I don't necessarily subscribe to that. The more I have loved and taken care of my body, the more I have been able to really love and take care of my body. So when I was younger, I did not work out, I did not take care of myself, I did not. I drank alcohol. I, you know, didn't consider nourishment and taking care of my body and during this like span, I guess, of like three, four years, where I was deep in my kundalini practice, I was saying yes to, you know, the life drawing and having like photo shoots, um, you know, doing this long distance communication of intimacy.

Speaker 4: 40:48

I was also really starting to let go of restrictiveness, because I had been very, very restrictive. I'd kind of gone from like not taking care of myself at all to being very, very restrictive and rigid with myself because I wanted to control how my body looked. And then there was a softening that happened where I think that just getting to this place of I really think it was a maturation. I think it was a taking care of myself, educating myself more on what this like restrictiveness and this rigidness was doing to my physical form, and that's the masculine and the feminine dynamic. You know, I was actually embodying more of my innate feminine energy, which is softer and open and more compassionate and more loving, and this masculine, immature masculine energy was like rigid, restrictive, external. It wanted to look a certain way and it was the releasing of that that allowed me to kind of move all of those things out of the way. And that was a lot to do with the work I was, I was doing with Perry um, you know, in her containers, um and understanding more about how I am meant to be softer, more about how I am meant to be softer. I think that women are meant to be softer than men. I think curvy loves hard and hard loves curvy. And this polarity, this natural polarity between us, is something that is very, very special and I didn't realize that I was like as rigid as I was and this softening of like beliefs and outlook and perspective and and how I saw myself, there was a softening around it and then I could actually start to appreciate more of my softness that I didn't have like rock solid abs or my, you know, my bum is squishy and it moves and actually now I love that I have actually recently. This is why it's such a fun topic to be starting on.

Speaker 4: 43:19

And it's again, the beauty is wasted on the young. I'm wearing these like right now. I'm wearing these very tight dresses. They're soft and movable but they're tight. I never would have worn form, figure, form, figure hugging clothing like 10 years ago, and I was a lot slimmer, you could say back then. But now I like move and I jiggle and I and I and I, and it's very captivating.

Speaker 4: 43:43

It's not captivating seeing these like women nowadays, you know, like the Kardashians or whoever. They have this illusion of femininity, but it's actually masculine because it's rigid and it's hard and it's cultivated, it's it's, it's created, it's not natural and innate. And so you know, looking back at these pictures of myself where I was like rigid, rigid and hiding and covering myself up, and you know, I look back and I go, wow, I really was insecure about my arms, really like what a waste of my time and focus. I really thought I was overweight there, like that's insane, you know. And so having the maturity and the age and the photos of myself captured at all these different areas of my life. I look back and I go. You know, wow, I really didn't see myself. I really didn't appreciate myself in that moment. You know, know, I was actually really white knuckling it with my body, I was forcing it to be a certain way, I was pressuring it and pushing and you know it wasn't natural and innate. And now, you know, I see it in the reflection of other people.

Speaker 4: 44:51

I was saying this when I was with some friends at the weekend. I'm walking around in these clothes and everyone is like looking at my face and then they go straight to my belly and I'm like, wow, this is really amazing. Like everyone is it's kind of a joke but like everyone's obsessed with my belly when I wear these clothes. Because I don't, I have a belly, I don't hide it, I'm not trying to like pretend like it's not there.

Speaker 4: 45:16

You know, there's just this like appreciation through all of these different practices over the last, you know, four or five years, where I've just been consciously putting on attention, attention on really appreciating what my body's capable of and taking good care of it and just accepting that this is what I was given and yeah, sure, I can go and have surgery and have this and that and have all these things changed and it's like, and then what? And then I don't feel something in my skin because it's been so distressed by a surgical procedure. You know, like that's the alternative. The alternative is to accept it as it is and appreciate what it's capable of. The alternative is to accept it as it is and appreciate what it's capable of, or it's to change it through this like extreme means. I don't know if that's uh, I don't know if that's a an answer like, specifically, that people can you know, tangibly take with them to move from, you know, reclamation into celebration. But for me it was all of these different things. It's beautiful, right, yeah, I love.

Speaker 3: 46:23

I love what you said, madison. It's really beautiful. I think so many women can relate, and it's so relatable to me to be so controlling and rigid with my body as opposed to being soft and accepting. And oh that belly. It works. All of us right. So much, yeah.

Speaker 3: 46:43

And I want to put in here, while we're talking about this, that I did one of your commission paintings and it was a really transformative experience for me and I've been through a lot of embodiment work and I've been juicy and I've done like a lot of this stuff. And then here I went to do this with you this year for Valentine's Day and I was like, oh my God, I felt I could feel the places where I was stuck right now, and doing this process with you was so eye opening and transformative for me. I'm so grateful for it. It just really got me deeper into my body and I was able to see where I was being judgmental of my body. It doesn't really matter how much work you've done. This is something that's ongoing and so the process of it.

Speaker 3: 47:32

And I remember when I sent you those original photos because I had to send you some photos I sent you some old photos. Madison was like these are beautiful, but they're not going to work. I need your whole body. And I was like, oh damn, I need to see you. I'm not prepared to be seen Exactly, and I want to share this because the process is so beautiful for anyone who's listening.

Speaker 3: 47:57

And so I tried to take some photos of myself. And I was just super in my head and the photos were. They just, weren't it. So I said, okay, this is where I am right now and I put it down. And then the next day I had gone on a walk, I came back, I was super sweaty and I was just feeling really embodied and juicy and I put on an ACDC song and I just started dancing and moving. And that's when I snapped all the photos that I sent to you and you were like, oh my God, this is amazing, this is amazing. And in that experience, in that like 24, 48 hour experience for me, I just was able to have so much more appreciation for my body, for where she was now, and really feel juicy and embodied. So thank you for that.

Speaker 3: 48:42

And then to receive the painting yeah reminds me of that moment and that experience that I had yeah, it has this.

Speaker 4: 48:50

It has this like deep um embodiment imbued in it, because you remember the feeling of creating those images, and so then, to translate that into this oil painting that will live forever, and so then to translate that into this oil painting that will live forever.

Speaker 3: 49:18

It's that it encapsulates that moment in time it does, and what I'm left with is this real feeling of compassion for myself and this appreciation of my body, and the compassion and the realistic truth that we don't always love our bodies every second of every day. That's not what we're talking about here but, it's like how can I, when I was having trouble doing that, how can I pause and love myself right there and accept myself right there? Oh wow, I'm having trouble appreciating my body in this moment.

Speaker 4: 49:57

Yeah, and the beauty of everything you've just said is that you cannot force it. Exactly, you cannot force it and I still have it in my own way, I still notice it in my own way. If people take photos of me, I might shrink and feel shy. It happens, you know. And then it's like oh, I noticed this thing about me, it doesn't have to be good or bad. Then it's like oh, I noticed this thing about me, it doesn't have to be good or bad, it's just noticing. Oh, I shrink when that happens and like can I, how can I practice not shrinking, how can I practice really being seen here? Because really that's what it is.

Speaker 4: 50:33

I think it's this real fear of being seen and not liking what we see, or other people not liking what we see. And you know there's times this weekend I just spent with some girlfriends. You know I didn't wear makeup all weekend. You know I'm wearing this very form figure, you know, dress that doesn't always look exactly as I would like it to look, you know, in this light or that angle, whatever right, and it's like post it anyway. Like actually post it anyway, because that is what I look like in that angle, in that lighting, like just post it, and it's almost like cultivating, like it's not perfect and I appreciate this about it. It's not perfect and this is perfect about it.

Speaker 4: 51:21

You know, that is like the reorientation, I think, to really appreciating your body and loving yourself, no matter what. You know, this is a platitude that people like to say, but we're not really taught how to actually do it, and it's because it's a cultivation, it's a practice, it's not a thing that you just wake up with one day. It's like slow, mindful, intentional awareness of the thing that comes up and trying something different. And so what you did so beautifully is that you did not rush yourself and you have enough awareness around what gets you into your body and the awareness of, oh, I'm in my body right now, let's do it now. You know, and that comes from like very mindful cultivation of being in the body.

Speaker 4: 52:11

And you know what do I mean when I say that? I mean not living in my head about what I think looks good. It means being able to feel my heartbeat, being able to feel my pussy. You know, if I'm outside, can I feel the wind on my skin? Can I? Am I taking a moment to sit in the sun rather than just like marching down the street. Can I really live in my body and go? Oh, I'm going to take a pause for a moment here and like let the sun really in my skin, and so, on your walk, you managed to get back into your body and that was the moment to capture it.

Speaker 3: 52:53

And it was so much fun and ironically, that's when I was sweaty and smelly and I was just in my body. I was just being with who I was. Thank you for all of that. It's so beautiful.

Speaker 1: 53:03

I love this back and forth. I love that you and Brenda did this.

Speaker 1: 53:07

So gorgeous to have witnessed Brenda go through that and to see you so beautifully do that with her and provide her with this gorgeous gift. One of the pieces that we haven't touched today in today's conversation, is how do you go from doing this for yourself, going through your own transmutation, reclamation and then to celebration of love. Thank you so much for describing what landing and reclamation of love looks like, giving an example of that that was so beautiful, to then go from there the reclamation of love, to I'm going to now shepherd women through this portal. How do you go from that experience to then having someone like Brenda and telling her hey, no, pause, yes, put it down. Yes, go be embodied. Nope, this picture's not working. I need to see more of you. What, if anything, was the transition, the portal between that?

Speaker 4: 54:03

point and the other. Yeah, there was a couple of things. I think that having my own paintings above my bed, the two portraits above my bed, and I would just look at these paintings and be like, oh, that's me, and having me on my wall instead of someone else's form just felt like the deepest connection I could really create with my body every day. You know, I have my own practices that I cultivate, but having this like um celebration, this, this thing, that will live forever. You know, oil paintings are one of the most ancient forms of art, you know, this is why we still have pictures from, you know, the Victorian period, and they're like in perfect, pristine condition, because this format lasts a lifetime. And there's something, you know, something somewhat ancient and traditional about that, but bringing shepherding in this like new era of, like the selfies and the you know, and the nudes and all of this. It's like this, this combination of bringing those two things together, which I really loved, and to be reminded of myself. You know, remember who I am. I am this woman who allows herself to be seen, allows herself to be seen. I am this woman who celebrates herself truly and this woman who appreciates her body in face of everything saying that she shouldn't. Those are the things that it reminds me of, and so I'm very familiar with my body and I'm very familiar with how she looks and I'm familiar with the curves of my shape.

Speaker 4: 56:02

And you know, I was looking into Valentine's and really I started to get very inspired by you know what I said earlier about the purpose of portraits back then. The purpose of portraits back then because we didn't have phones and selfies, and so to bring this celebration of like femininity in the female form and making it more modern and like allowing people access to something that has, like its roots in this traditional thing but in this like elevated modern way, was something that really excited me. And the idea of being able to paint other women and other people's bodies was just like really, I don't know it, just really. It really just fucking excited me and like lit me up. And when I put it out there, I had so many people like reach out and say they wanted it, and then some people were ready for it and some people I'm gonna actually start, I'm gonna bring something out where I, like you said, shepherd people through it who are not so ready, that want it but aren't actually ready, because I learned a lot from the experience with you, brenda, and from other women that I've been working with.

Speaker 4: 57:13

There are those that are ready for it and then there are those that really desire it and it's tender and vulnerable and like don't quite know how to give it to themselves yet and need a bit of extra, like support and shepherding through that portal, because it is that, um, you know, being walked through it and having that structure and that holding is something that we don't get. We've never been given that. You know, I'm lucky enough that I have been. I have fallen into, you know place on this personal journey of mine, where I've met all these amazing women and these amazing teachers that have helped, shepherd me along this journey and, you know, all of these things along my path that have kind of come into my, my world, have helped me get there, and now it's like I want to be able to do that for other people and because I really see that women want it, you know. So, yeah, that's kind of how I would say it came about thank you, it was so gorgeous.

Speaker 1: 58:21

I really loved knowing that that was a piece that was definitely pivotal in what we're talking about, so that we can all see the maturation of the pieces right going from taking pictures for a partner to reclaiming them for them ourselves, and then going into the place of how can I capture a moment in time where I really love and appreciate myself and that it will stand time?

Speaker 3: 58:49

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 58:50

Brenda.

Speaker 3: 58:51

Thank you for that medicine so beautiful. I have a question for you, okay, as we begin to wind down, since this is the Desires Medicine podcast. What is one of your big desires, madison? I feel like I have so many.

Speaker 4: 59:15

For my art. I want to paint a hundred women this year and I want to do a show in New York, a solo show celebrating women.

Speaker 3: 59:26

Yeah, juicy, thank you. Well, so shall it be.

Speaker 4: 59:30

Yeah.

Speaker 3: 59:30

Better than you can imagine.

Speaker 1: 59:32

Yeah.

Speaker 3: 59:32

You said for your art. Is there something else that you want, maybe for your own? Self besides your art.

Speaker 4: 59:39

Yeah, yeah. I think that for me, being in the relationship that I'm in now has really opened up more of my creativity Like it comes from me and it is mine up more of my creativity Like it comes from me and it is mine. But there's something about the practice of vulnerability and love and expression in my relationship that has me feel held in my creative expression, and that's not just my romantic relationship, but my relationship with my friends as well.

Speaker 3: 1:00:28

So I have desires around that you know to continue expanding my relationship with relationship. I love that. It's a really good one. My relationship with relationship very relatable, beautiful. Thank you so much, madison. How can our listeners contact you? You?

Speaker 4: 1:00:43

can find me on instagram, um, madison storm studio if people are interested in seeing more of the art and the transmission of women and um, and then at madison underscore ldn is just my kind of all sorts of you know things account, from jujitsu to art, and you know my life in New York to my dog, who is my main character in my life.

Speaker 4: 1:01:10

But I wanted to just say something, if that's OK, before we close, just something that I want people to know, because you don't have this doesn't have to be like art and photos, doesn't have to be your way of celebrating yourself, like whatever it is that really really works for you. Has to be the thing, but really the words to live by are remembering who you are, who you really are, and you will always look back at your life and be able to appreciate it and have more perspective and more maturity, and so just live full out, just do it. Just do the thing that's scary, do the thing that you don't want to do, post the thing that you're not sure about, because you really don't know where it's going to take you and how the journey all clicks together. You'll always look back and be like, wow, I really did that. I always live by the words regret what you do not, regret what you don't do. I don't look back and go oh, I wish I'd not done that photo shoot. Oh, I wish I'd not done that live drawing. Like you know, I always look back and go wow, I really did that. Wow.

Speaker 3: 1:02:24

Thank you for that last bit of Madison wisdom. We appreciate it, and thank you so much for being here today. It was really a treat to have you and share your transformation of learning to love and appreciate your body, thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

Speaker 4: 1:02:44

Thank you.

Speaker 3: 1:02:50

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast.

Speaker 2: 1:02:54

Desire invites us to be honest, loving and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.