Episode 8 - Airing Out Some Dirty Laundry

Thank you for tuning your radio dial back in to The Magical Midlife Crisis ! In this episode, your hosts Court & Meg talk more about their personal experiences of growing self-awareness from tough moments growing up. 

They discuss how their upbringings have affected their lives and relationships, focusing on the struggles they faced during their childhood and how they've grown and learned from those mistakes. 

Both share about their unique and vulnerable journeys, touching upon the importance of understanding one's past to shape a better future. 

They also address the significance of being mindful of what one consumes, whether it's food, media, or thoughts, in maintaining a growth-centric lifestyle. 

Court & Meg reflect on their journey towards self-love, acceptance, and the power of understanding and healing childhood wounds.

Throughout the episode, they consistently encourage the importance of seeking the 'magic' in one's life, harnessing personal adversity, and employing mindfulness and self-compassion as tools for growth & healing.

00:44 Welcome Back and Today's Topic: Ancestral Baggage

01:43 Listener Feedback and Reflections

03:34 Navigating Personal Darkness and Emotional Struggles

04:14 Revisiting Childhood Trauma and Its Impact

10:07 Sharing Personal Stories with Our Children

10:32 The Cycle of Parenting and Generational Differences

12:37 The Power of Sharing Personal Triumphs

12:53 Relating to Childhood Experiences and Struggles

23:15 The Impact of Family Dynamics on Childhood

30:03 The Importance of Open Communication with Kids

33:28 Repressed Memories and Family Dynamics

39:06 Coping with Anger and Emotional Outbursts

40:51 Reflections on Family History and Mental Health

43:59 The Impact of Generational Trauma

46:55 The Journey to Self-Acceptance and Inner Peace

50:41 The Power of Mindfulness and Conscious Consumption

58:47 Challenging Materialism and Embracing Authenticity

If you feel called to it - please 'follow', rate with some stars & share any episodes to spread the magic! Reviews & reflections can be shared here -> https://tinyurl.com/TheMagicalMidlifeCrisisPage

Listening on Apple Podcasts? scroll to the bottom, tap "write a review"

Tune in to you next time!

Want to have your own discovery on how the mind & body are interconnected? And learn how food can lead to a more sustainable & vibrant life? --> *** Click here to learn more and/or message us on the 30 Days to Healthier Living! *** <--

Directly connect with Meg: @meg.itate.8itch
Directly connect with Court: @coco.compassion
Connect to us both: themagicalmidlifecrisis@gmail.com --- Write to us! We'd love to learn about a magical midlife crisis story of your own or someone you know!

Transcript

0:00

Court and Meg here with the Magical Midlife Crisis. This podcast is intended to inspire and support you on your personal journey towards feeling more magic. Breathe, press play, expect real and raw stories and shifts. Come back with your own stories, shifts, and magical light moments through your darkness in your life. Once we pinpoint The mind to search for the magic, the magic will show up. It's just a matter of time. It could be at any moment in the middle of this magical ride we call life. Enjoying this episode. Grab your seat every Sunday. Expect magic. Over. Okay. Hello, Everyone. Welcome back to the Magical Midlife Crisis Podcast. This is Court. And I'm Meg. And we are, um We're really going to just have a very organic conversation on kids and childhoods and, uh, the ancestral crap that we all deal with and, and discover and And peel apart and build back up and dig deeper into and the cycle and discovery goes on and on and on and on and on. Cause that's life. I really think with all that I've gotten into, um, that's, that's part of the experience as a human is to go through that stuff and then, and then figure out why it all happened. Um, but before we go too deep, I just want to give a couple of shout outs, Megan. I've had so much amazing feedback from our friends that have tuned in to our very messy action podcast that we are so happy to be doing. So I'm going to give a shout out to Catherine. This is her, her reflection on listening to. The magical midlife crisis podcast. She says, I definitely was reflecting on my health journey throughout a lot of the podcast. I particularly connected with the discussion on self worth. I'm not sure which episode it was in and how important and necessary it is to have self worth and care for oneself. If we want to then go out and do good in the world and make connections with others. I love it. I know. And then another shout out to Shannon. Um, she says you both should be so proud of what you are doing. I know I'm just one person, but you have struck the best nerve in my brain and I guarantee so many need this. I have been binging your podcast and just feel like I'm hanging out with two of my favorite friends that inspire and uplift me. You guys have my ADD brain going nuts in a good way. And seriously, the universe spoke today, listen to you both. And then my friend Chris called talking about her podcast and do as she always does and help nudge me out of the rut I'm in, in my life. And we're going to talk about ruts and life because you both are everyone that's been sharing, but like those two messages have really helped us. In the moments that we are in, because even though we talk about the magical side of stuff, like there's still darkness that comes and that's the part like that we need to expect darkness is going to happen. Like pain is inevitable. It's the part that I have learned suffering is the choice. So like, how do we help ourselves out of it? And Megan and I were just talking before we hit record about like, just. How, I mean, do you want to share a little bit more about like, just how you're feeling these days? And yeah, so in the past couple of our episodes, we've talked about childhood trauma. I mean, I think that'll come up in almost every episode. Um, but I think it's got, it's got me thinking of more memories and me going, you know, going back to my childhood and thinking of things and remembering things and. And I don't, I guess I just didn't realize it, but I was kind of going through those emotions again. You know, I've definitely have compassion for my younger self. But when you start to really relive your experiences, it just kind of triggers you a little bit. I would like to think I'm fully healed my, my younger self, but maybe I haven't. And I'm still on that journey. But I've definitely, I think I've been thinking about my younger self a lot more, um, especially, um, my younger self when I was my son's age. Um, because he's at the age now when my world kind of changed, like I mentioned that, um, I had an unhealthy eating. home life, which I believe most people have. So I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. Um, but when I was his age, my stepdad had moved in. I had all of a sudden two stepbrothers living in my house. And how old are you at this point? Twelve. Okay. Twelve. So not only was my childhood home, anything, everything that I knew of, it was completely different energy. It was just a whole new life, nothing that I was prepared for. Um, obviously I had like thoughts, Oh my God, like I'm gaining a family, you know? And then there were also other parts that are kind of like, what the fuck is going on here? You know? And my biological brother at that time was in the army. Um, I think he had. I'm not quite sure if he was just at basic training, but like even him coming back and all of a sudden there's new people living in our home. He didn't have his room anymore. And like our basement was converted into their bedroom, which my mom, my mom had has the kindest heart and wanted to provide. a home for her stepchildren. And, um, but for me, it was very confusing. Um, because my dad had moved to Tinley Park after my parents got divorced, which was probably a year prior. Um, my dad and I had a very, um, awkward relationship. It wasn't close. It wasn't distant. I, I can't really explain it. It's. I'm sure at some point I'll get more details on that, but, um, yeah, it was just a really weird time in my life and, um, I look back at myself and I think I was just so confused on all the change going on in my life. And I think it just really created a lot of anxiety in me and I think that's where my anxiety really started. There was definitely a lot of drinking going on in my house, a lot of parties. Um, my mom and my stepdad, I, they had already purchased, already bought the bar. So that was like, they were gone at night and my family that was living in my house would have people over drinking. I remember not going to school at certain mornings because I'd be hung over because I wanted a party and it was just very toxic. And when I look back at it now, I guess I just didn't realize how traumatizing and how fucked up that was. You know, and I really longed for family dinners and special moments like that. And it's, I think I relive it more now because Mason is at that age where I was. And my sister actually had found like logs that my dad had during the divorce at this time. And so this is before I stepped in, my step siblings had moved into the house. Um, during the divorce, my mom was dating Peter, so they were in a relationship. So my world was already connected to this new family. And I was also my, my family was being Yeah. And my sister probably called me maybe like six months ago and she goes, Oh my God, she was going through all of our dad's stuff because he had passed and everything was in our house. It was all logs that my dad kept that, um, the lawyer wanted him to record of things that were being done in the house, being said, and my dad became obsessive over this. Like I think my dad had no meaningful it meaningfulness and is in his life and I think that he attached to the divorce and he got addicted to like pressing buttons and like, just, I guess just trying to like set fires almost, I don't know, it was just really, it was really traumatic, but my sister found these logs and. I was like, Oh my God, even my sister was like, Megan, you were being like torn back and forth. And so I kind of explained this to Mason and I was like, you know, when I was your age, you know, I go, my life wasn't, um, my life wasn't like this. I didn't have a lot of love in my life. There was a lot of chaos. It was. I was very alone. My mom was always at work and God bless my mom. I mean, she was doing the best that she could, you know, but I explained to me the difference of his life in my life. And it's really, I think it's really important to share with our children at a certain age in their youth, our childhood, depending on how deep in the trauma you want to get. But I think our kids need to realize and know that we're human beings. We have feelings. We have emotions. And we had a past. Yeah. Yeah. And we're a product of our parents raising us. And our parents are a product of their parents raising them. And every generation is different. And obviously our generations are getting a lot softer and how they raise our kids. But I am blessed and honored to be able to raise a human being in this world. Even though he's not my biological son, I have an impact on him. And I think it's so important to share with him my life at his age, because I went through a whole bunch of shit, you know, and for him to appreciate that he doesn't have to go through that. But I want him to know that I'm doing the best that I can. And that, and he, I think he's asked me like, Oh, well, were you mad at grandma, you know, for this and that? And I go at the time, yeah, I was pissed. I was furious. You know, I go, but My adult self, I get it. I wouldn't want my mom to change anything. She's a human being and she needed to live her life and feel loved. And feel loved and know her worth. She didn't feel any of that in her marriage. So when you're 40 something years old and you you meet a new man and he fulfills all your needs and wants how could I get mad at her for for wanting that? Did she go about it the right way? No. But there's nothing you can do about that. I'm just happy that I can now forgive my younger self for being mad at her. And I forgive her, my mother, for making certain decisions, you know, and she did the best job she could raising us, considering the fact that I know my grandma wasn't the kindest mother to her. And my mom had a lot of void and love that she lacked for my grandmother. And so the life that my mom provided for me, I know was had a lot more love and a lot more compassion in it. And so it's. It's just crazy once you peel back the onion, all the layers and like how you get to where you are, you know, and if I have never started any of this like self journey, I would still have resentment and still be carrying all that weight into my adult life. And yeah, it's just, it's amazing to share with other people and your kids, your stories and your triumphs and how you got to. Yeah, and connect on that level. I feel like, um, I'm not a mother, so I can't relate to that aspect, but I was a kid, so I can relate to what I hear kids talk about. I think about the age that I was when they were going. When I was going through something similar and I mean, my upbringing was very different than yours, but it was very like lonely and like shout out to our parents. I've already talked to both my mom and my dad and said that, like, my life that I have right now, Meg and I, Meg's talked to her parents too, like, the life we have right now is so amazing, and we have so much power in the life that we're living, and it's exactly going through all that hardship that brought us to this, but in the time that we were kids, I felt alone a lot. I felt, like, just misunderstood. And something that I realized in the last couple of years with the self discovery stuff is I was so, um, praised for being quiet. And so, like, that created, like, this... It's very shy, quiet girl that just did what I was told and stayed in the lines and didn't ruffle feathers. And I people pleased and I just cared so much about what other people were saying or thinking. It just created like this very Insecure person, small person, and it's taken me years to actually use my voice and that's why it's just freaking crazy that we're like speaking on air, right, air in our dirty laundry. It's crazy, the, the seeing who I am now and who I used to be because it's just polar opposites. The quietness that I've, that I've like carried for so long, I mean, honestly, I didn't start actually using my voice for good until I was 32, 31 years old, and I'm 39. So it's all very, it's all new. It's like a rebirth. It's like, like actually connecting to who I was that I didn't allow myself to be for so long. Like, for example, when I was in, I don't know if it was third, fourth, second grade, one of those. I heard the story from my mom that the teacher called my mom and asked her if I had some kind of speech impediment because I like never talked. And I, I don't remember like exactly how the story went, but when I heard that story from my mom, it made me think. And one of the biggest reasons that I didn't talk was because I had this huge gap between my two front teeth. Like, enormous. I was so embarrassed about it that I like never smiled, never talked, just like hid, hid myself because of my own judgment and comparison. You said you were in third grade? Yeah, like right around third grade. Okay. So I mean, there was no freaking social media then. So I was already in this comparison mode. So young. I remember feeling like looking at other kids teeth. It's so funny because I'm in dentistry. I'm alive. Obviously it is. I can talk about that story. It is. It is. It is why I'm in dentistry, but like even young when I was very young, I like looked at other kids teeth and I just wanted like that look of of teeth. Something so, um, I did something very similar in my childhood, but not with teeth, but I'll share that after. Yeah. So I mean, fast forward. Um, I, I begged my parents for braces and my mom was able to afford top braces. So I got braces on the top to close my gap. I was, I think I was in eighth grade, whatever age that is, 13, I guess. And, um, and then I had braces on the next morning. It was so tight that I swore my gap was closed like overnight. I'm like, okay. And I look in the mirror and my gap is still there. And I'm like, it's all right. It's coming. And I was just so excited. And I only needed them on for like 10 months or something short. And they came off like days before eight pretty pictures. And I just felt like I could smile with confidence for the first time. First time 13 years. I hated my teeth. It's crazy. I hated them. They I I would wear, I would like take like, um, paper clips and like pretend to like have a retainer on my teeth. So to like take away quote unquote from looking at my gap when obviously that would just highlight the hell out of it. I would take like all different kinds of like those jelly bracelets and like try to cover my teeth. I used to take the little mini rubber bands around my two top teeth and hoping that would close it. Sometimes I would do two and that actually can work. I've read. I've read a lot of studies about that. Yeah. I wish I did that now. I got from yours worth every penny. Um, so yeah, that actually was the whole, like, I, I mean, before I was, before I was interested in dentistry, I wanted to be a dolphin trainer. And I'm glad I didn't go do that because of the cruelty to animals. But, um, yeah, so braces confidence with my smile for the first time. I'm like, I want to be an orthodontist. I want to help people smile with confidence. Um, but I didn't believe that I was smart enough to get into college. So, um, my first year after I graduated high school, I took a dental assistant course at Elgin Community College one year, and that was the first time in my whole life that I got A's, like all A's, like 4. 0 grade point average. And so then I attached my identity. To this is this is life. This is what I have to do because I'm because I can do it. I'm smart enough. I got good grace and first time I was very average student and I wasn't pushed to like strive for A's. But, you know, I was pushed to to do all my homework and do well like the best that I could, but like not like C's were allowed. B's were great. A's were outstanding kind of thing. But, um, yeah, I don't even know where I was going with that. But that, that was the, that was the dental story, but yeah, I didn't think, okay, I didn't think I was smart enough to go to college, did the one year dental assisting, and then I started assisting. And I'm like, this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. And I, I moved out when I was 20 because I wanted to free myself of the toxicity in my home. I left everyone. I left my brothers. I left my parents. And it was the strangest, like, departing. It was just, no one talked about it. It was just like... And how old were you? I was 20. 20. Yeah, I went from like second grade to 20. No, but, um, yeah. And, and then I was like, okay, I'm making, I'm making real money. Got my own place. It was way too expensive for what I was making, but I didn't know how to, I didn't, I didn't put any of that together. Um, and then after a couple of years, one broke and yeah, that's when I went back to my mom. She always, She always said that I could come back, you know, and be live with her. And at that point, when I was living away, my parents decided to finally go through a divorce. Um, it was long overdue, like they both deserved. To feel like peace in their own home and communication was really like the hardest like to tap into emotions. It was my, my entire family just wasn't in the upbringing of doing that. So it wasn't something we did. Yeah. So, so then all these, like, all these emotions were stored inside of our bodies and nobody's talking about them and everyone's just feeling alone and everyone's feeling separate. And, and, and then we're all thinking that we all don't know what we're all thinking, you know, like we all think that, oh, they're fine. When I was a kid. They're all fine. They're all making it work, but I'm not, but I'm sure I mean I'm almost 100 percent positive. They're all thinking the same thing I was. We're all thinking the same thing. We're programmed to think that like. We're the only ones going through it and not programmed to think that but we just naturally feel that we're the only ones going through it like our conversation. I'm sure many people listening have had households with unhealthy drama and separation. Yeah, and it's so hard to like when you're a kid, it's really hard to figure out what it all means in your own. In your own understanding of like the emotions that you feel you almost can't even name them because it's just it's all just dark and sad or anger or you know, it's like I look back at pictures of me when I was younger and I so fucking cute. But I literally I hated myself. I hated I hated myself. Like, I was lived in such an imaginary world as a little girl that The Little Princess and The Secret Garden were my two favorite movies because they gave me an avenue to play, pretend, and pretend that I lived this. And I always dreamed of like going to a new school and starting a new, a new life or a new personality, which now as an adult, I know I create my own reality and I can wake up and be whoever the fuck I want to be today, you know, and I think my hardest part is when I was little was I never fit in. I was always definitely a black sheep. Um, I've always been kind of more of a wild child, always kind of had a mouth like me, like. That was just kind of, and I never really felt like, so in grade school you always had your groups of friends and I'd get invited to like birthday parties, but I never, even then, I never felt like I aligned with anybody. I always just felt like these aren't my people. They all were each other's people, but I never felt like I was truly included or I felt like. Not the same exact way. Yeah, like I definitely always felt like I was more the rebel, more outspoken one, like, but I was never either being my true authentic. I was never comfortable being like with who I really am. So I'd always like, I don't know. It's weird. I look back now and I really realized like I never wanted to live my own life. I always want to live other people's lives. And I think that was hard for me, like having sleepovers and going to other people's homes and just see the normalcy in some people's homes. I didn't have that like where the dads were normal. Like my dad was not fucking normal. God bless his heart and soul. But like, he was not normal, like at all. So like, I never had like sleepovers. I never had birthday parties, really. Like I just was never like that. I would always go to other kids houses, but I never felt like, never felt like it was, I don't know. I just always felt like, why am I here? I don't know. Obviously I enjoyed it when I was there, but I just, I look back now and I realized like, Okay, like going along with it. I can relate to so much of what you're saying. There are parts of it that like you said that you're outgoing and the rebel. I was like the quiet angel. So that part was different. But um, I like as far as having friends. I think it was like not until sixth grade that I felt like I had a like a friend that I was actually friends with like I I mean I would see little friends that I would hang out with and I just saw that they were other than with me. And so then I looking back at it now of all that I know, I saw that it's like I wanted that. And I just knew that I was different. So that's why I'm not getting that whatever that is. And so then I was thinking there's something wrong with me. And now I know when you think those thoughts and you think them over and over and over, you, you've, that is who you become. And so I did become different than most kind of floated around between some friends, friend groups. You know, I was invited to a lot of things because I was on the basketball team or the volleyball team, or You know, in band or whatever. So I was included in the invitations to things, but yeah, and nothing took place in our house there was, cause there was no, there was no cohesiveness as far as like, just no one talked about fun things. It was just, it was all the fun stuff happened at other people's houses. Yeah, or or outside of our house like we would do like family scout stuff. That was fun I mean, I mean like I don't want to make it sound like Everything was dark, but in a lot of ways it was dark in my mind Well, yeah, that's that's the point of us sharing that's in our perspective. Yeah, this is like not to Like put any parenting down or anything down. It's just us sharing Our perspective from our child's eyes and then also how we look back at it as an adult. Yeah, you know So like what you were saying in the beginning because you have a 13 year old My boyfriend has a 13 year old 12 12 12 and 13 like I think so much about how Like just talking about the uncomfortable stuff is so important and talking about like you sharing how things were for you when you were a kid with him, like that's, it opens it up to just be honest and be real and be vulnerable to say stuff that I mean kids a lot of the time they can't it's hard for them to put it into words because a lot I think for me when I was a kid I didn't want to say it the wrong way and I don't want to hurt someone's feelings so then when it became a teenager I didn't give a fuck about anybody's feelings and I started to become that rebel and become that very outburst type of kid that I was quiet until my blood boiled and then I would scream and I would swear and I would get in people's faces and it was the lashing out because now I know. It's all this energy that's in us that needs to come out and if you do it in a compassionate respectful way As it's, as it's happening, not like all of a sudden, like pent up rubber band snapping the way I used to be. Um, that's like what we can create for the young people that are in our life now is just that ability to, to feel okay with whatever, however they're feeling, because that's, that's their own experience. Who are we to say that they should be experiencing life differently than they are? Like, nobody has a right. Yeah, I think it's really important to keep an open line of communication with your kids and have boundaries. You know, like me and Mason have a really unique relationship, um, but I remind him that I'm still working on myself. I'm not perfect. I'm a human being and I have struggles and I'm still dealing with darkness from my past and trying to heal. He's the type of kid that he understands what I'm saying. So it's really a blessing. And I try to just remind him that everybody's had different lives, different upbringings. Like, you never know how to, don't ever judge a book by its cover. Like, I tell him this with school, because now he's in middle school and he's dealing with stuff. And I was like, Mason, most likely the kid is bullying you. He's being bullied or he's insecure. Like, there's purpose behind everybody's behaviors. And to be a little bit more compassionate about it. You know, he's got the kindest heart. So like, by sharing with him, like parts of my old self still kind of come, come in and creep up. Like, I was just sharing with him, like, what a daily life of my childhood was like. That, um, I remember going figure skating before school in the morning. My mom would wake up at 5 a. m. She would take us to the ice rink. My mom would stay there to get us free ice time. My mom used to record us and then she would record other skaters and she'd play the music. My mom would do anything to have us figure skate. I mean, my dad would give her an allowance. My dad basically controlled all the finances, and he basically wanted to control the household financially. My mom would get, I think it was five dollars, I don't know if it was every day or every once a week, I'm not sure, but I know it wasn't right. Um, but my mom would waitress, she worked at Indian Lake, she would do banquets and stuff, and all of her work would pay for our figure skating. Wow. And these are things that I hold on dear to my heart because... As a sports hockey mound, I totally. I know how financially expensive the sport is. And, but yeah, so we would go to the rink and then I remember we, I'd come home, I'd get ready for school. Um, a lot of times I don't want to go to school. I'd be too tired where I'd actually pretend that I was like, Oh my God, we have a diarrhea or makeup stop, but I would take a shower and fall, pass out because I'm so tired. But anyways, most of the times I didn't have diarrhea, it was just my way to not go to school. But, so yeah, I'd go to school and I'd come home, and then usually my mom would have, like, a casserole made some days, and like, food would be left for us. Um, I think I would have babysitters, from what I remember, but I don't, like, but my dad would come home at 6. 30 at night, and by the time my dad came home, he had exerted all of his energy at work. Um, so I had no idea the type of person my dad was at work. I only know the person he was when he got home. When he got home, if there was stuff in the foyer, if there was anything, he would be angry. He would take everything and throw everything downstairs. He'd be yelling at us, like, what the fuck? This and that. And I don't remember this. So I almost blocked all this out. My sister told me that we had like, remember those little foil stars? Like, to show, like, your good work. Oh, yeah, yeah. Stickers. Yes, stickers. We would have a tally. And I guess it'd be, whatever, we would have our nightly spankings. I don't remember any of this. It's just like, yeah, Megan, you were getting spanked all the time. I must have repressed that because I don't remember. But I just remember my dad coming home and being like, Okay, what is he going to bitch about? What did we not do? And like, Then he'd go in his room and after his spankings or whatnot, and then he'd just go do his sweepstakes all night. So like, I mean, it was like repetition. It was just like, and I, I hated, I hated my life. And I definitely erred for like my father's love, you know, definitely look back and I have snippets of good memories with him for sure. Yeah. But I also have very voided memories of not having a normal dad, not having Normalcy. I don't even know what normalcy really is. I mean, Yeah, we, we look at it in other people's homes and think that it's normal. And obviously we have no idea what's going on over there, but we know that our, ours was different. Yes. Yeah. Cause I definitely know like People that lived on our block. So we have, like, I have an older sister, older brother, like, um, we definitely had friends on the block, you know, like we'd all play with outside and stuff and, um, But people definitely knew my dad as being a little different and kind of more angry. And my dad was definitely really hard on my brother. My mom explains it in the perfect way that if they would have just had my brother, my dad probably would have been a great dad. But the minute my sister came along and then I came along, it was like too much. It was too much. So it's weird that after my dad... It's like, sometimes people have to pass in order for you to get to know them. And so I'm truly blessed and grateful that my father died when he died, because if he would have died later in his life, I wouldn't have experienced all the stories and all the people a part of his life. Because they probably would have been gone too, and, you know, it would be different. I got to hear all these amazing stories about my dad. Like, the personality that he had at work. And so, honestly, by the time he was on the train coming home, all that energy was spent. And all he had left was stress, whatever, and he just, I don't, my dad just did not want to, did not want to be, be with us. That's the truth from, from my perspective, but I'm okay with that. I'm okay, my dad served his purpose in my life when he needed, you know, but it's just weird when you really start to think about it and talk about it. Yeah. Yeah. It is. And who knows, you know, like what, what it really was. But it's so good that you're able to, regardless of how you've really felt, like, you've, you've felt through your feelings, and you have a massive amount of appreciation for him. Yeah, I mean, because my, like, All of them, everyone that's contributed to your upbringing, really, you, like, that's exactly what we do. We, we appreciate so much now. Well, yeah, and like, I don't know what your relation with your father is. Very similar in a way, and both of our fathers had an upbringing. Oh. And my dad's upbringing, and I know your dad's upbringing, that's for you to share, but I know that my dad didn't have the healthiest upbringing. My grandmother loved him very much, um, but my grandfather was also a World War II vet. You know, would that have been World War I or World War ii? No. World War ii. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and I know that the PTSD, my, um, I was way too little to even remember this, but, um, apparently he had tried to kill himself in his car. I think my dad tried to do that too, if I'm correct.'cause suicide, I wouldn't say runs in my family, but it's, I've had a predominant amount of people in my family take their own lives. My dad's brother, um, my dad had several cousins, but. My dad, my dad's dad was very trauma filled from from war and he would be sitting at the dinner table if he was choking, he would just sit there and let himself choke like he wanted to die. Well, like just, you know, and I know that a lot of I don't think my grandfather was normal when he came back from war, so I know that that had a big time and those were also the fifties and, you know, it was different times back then. So it's, you really have to have compassion for our parents for young kids, and they didn't do the development and the work, so they carried all that trauma into their adulthood. And then they're raising kids with all that trauma. Right. So it's really important for us to really have compassion for Even a stranger that has done this wrong or a family member, it's just, it's healthier on our body and our mind to let it go and free yourself from generational curse. And it's really important. And that's, that's really my goal in my life is to, and I think I've already surpassed that, but yeah. I always had like the stigma, like Megan has a temper, Megan is this, and that's how my dad was. My dad was angry all the time. Like, I think that's where I learned like my tempers. I would have tempers in my bedroom. I used to bang my head against the door, rip my hair out, and I would tear everything down in my bedroom. And I would pass out for like half the day. And then I would wake up like, what the hell happened? Then I would be so calm, and I'd clean my room. So like, yeah. And even in my adulthood. Yeah, even in my adulthood. There's times where I'm, I get so boiled and so angry in my adrenaline. It's crazy when you can really feel your body turn warm. And like, I don't do this as often, but like, I would throw like a glass, you know, like out of anger. And then it's kind of almost like all that energy is like exerted and then I have peace and calm when I clean up. Hmm. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah. I have very strong, angry emotions, I think still inside of me. Yeah, but the, the like creating a mess and then, and then like that's your release and then cleaning it up calmly. That's, that's kind of like a, you know, like a euphemism for something. Yeah. That's cool. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I don't, I don't experience that because if I were to make a mess of any kind, I would feel guilty about it. And then, I mean, that's not, that's my past. That's my past person, who I was, um, I think like you hit it. I heard this in my self discovery course from my, my buddy in the course, Amy, who's going to be on the podcast. But she was talking about how, like the, the generations, like say, my grandparents parents. So my great grandparents, like they literally were living in survival times. Like essentials were lacking, truly life or death stuff. So they were great grandparents, they were probably like adults during like the Great Depression. Yeah. Okay. Yep. Yeah. And then, obviously my grandparents were their children, so then... They are feeling the same, but maybe better, a little bit better, yeah, for sure, a little bit better as far as the essentials being there for them, food, shelter, love, connection, and then my parents being the offspring of theirs, like survival was easier. The, the essentials were much more common and expected and they were present. And so they're still being taught like the survival mentality, even though they have the necessities that they need. And now like for us, we have an Like an incredible amount. It's like disgusting. It's almost yeah, it's disgusting how much we have And and yet like that survival mentality continues on in this world where we are our survival is Is living with developing the understanding that our own industries are out to own our mind and our choices like that's where the survival mentality is now. And that's like part of our great awakening because it's an attack. It's an attack on us. Yeah, it's, I, I call it like World War Three on our minds. Yeah, yeah, it's. So every generation, I, I mean, I, obviously we see it now, but when you're a child, you, you don't, you, you have no ability to understand and comprehend in that way. So then you take it personally, you think you're the problem, like you don't know any other way. So like, and I hear this all the time in the groups and communities that we're involved with, but it's like, we have to show our kids what real unconditional love is. Like, that we love them throughout every single feeling, emotion, thing, whatever, all of it. And how they can do that for themselves. Because there was something you said earlier that just made me think about how, like, you're, you're just loving yourself through, like, where you weren't loved. like as far as like Mel Robs, Mel Robbins said this the other day, like our anxiety is having an emotion that's not supported by love from whoever's around us. And so that emotion is just kind of like hanging out and taking over, and then it turns into mismanaged like thoughts. And so then it's an overwhelming feeling of just something's not right and I have no support around me. Yeah, I always come back to this vision. In my parents bedroom, they had like a little round table with like a long tablecloth over it, and I remember I had gotten into a fight and I was like, I'm running away. And... They never saw me going to me this felt like hours, so it could have been like 10 minutes, but I know it was I wasn't under that table for a long fucking time, long enough where they should have been like, Hey, should we go see if you really ran away? I felt so sad underneath that table that they were just going about going about their night. Like, maybe they knew that I was under there, but like, just, I don't know, but that's like one memory that like sticks out to me. I just remember me like sitting under this table in the room like, hey, don't give a fuck if I'm gone. Like, that's something that obviously, like, yeah, imagine, imagine like, like a kid, you know, doing that with you now. And like, obviously. As a parent, you're just like, Oh, they're under there, you know, like I can just imagine a parent now just it not being a big deal, but as a kid, it's like the biggest deal. That's why it's important when you have certain memories from your childhood, good or bad, whatever, like, especially the memories that are come up from your memory that you remember that for a reason, you know, and it's good to like, look at it and give that give that moment comfort. You know, like I'm just, I got compassion for that little girl just hanging out, wanting somebody to be like, Oh, what's going on under there, honey, like, you know, what's going on with you? I'll crawl under there. Oh yeah. I used to pretend to run away all the time. Yeah. I'd be like, all right. And then I'd go sit like in between trees pretending I was in the secret garden. So you said that was a movie? Yeah, so she was an orphan. Um, I think her parents had died. Little girl, secret garden. And she um, goes to this, her cousin's house, it's like a mansion. And then they It's just a really cute story about love and kind of you think that he has everything, but then, yeah. The secret garden, if you haven't seen it. Yeah, I don't know. I just always want, I just always wanted a life that wasn't mine. You know, I just always, it's funny, I hated, I hated everything about me, really, I would look in the mirror and just think that I was the ugliest, I thought I was the ugliest fucking kid, I mean I had definitely my phases where I wasn't the cutest, you know, I had some teeth issues, you know, but it's crazy, it's probably by, as of like, this year, at 38, approaching 39, I finally, you And content with the way that I look like it's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. Once you just accept your authentic self and you're just like, you know what? And I also remind myself that, you know, I'm not the only one that walks around at points with an ego, concerned about what people think. I remind myself that I'm consumed by a lot of people that have the same thoughts. People, other people, even people you don't think, some people care what people think about them. Um. Other people lack confidence. And it's definitely something I'm still working on, but I'm definitely in progress a lot in that area. It's just amazing. Cause I also felt the same way. I did not like anything about myself. I wanted, and I wanted to live somebody else's life. And now like we both love the life that we're living so much. It's like. If that doesn't give people hope, I don't know what will. I don't know. I wanted to be my sister so bad. I wanted to be her. I looked up to her and like, I just thought everything about her. I was like, she's so pretty. She has, I thought my sister had everything. I thought her life was like perfect. But, obviously, as adults, our conversations, I realize. She was going through shit in her own perspective, you know, and there was some conversations. I know that, um, they always thought that I got away with whatever I wanted. I also think that I was very hard to control and very hard to handle. I was like, my mom would have to take full force in order to bring me up to my room. That's how strong my adrenaline was. So it was just different perspectives, like Megan gets whatever she wants, but he doesn't get in trouble. My son probably got into trouble more because he was the oldest. I'm sure being the middle child, my sister felt certain things, but it's, that's the joy of having our own perspective and you should share your perspective. Yeah. With your family members. Right. Be like, hey, do you remember the situation? What was your perspective on it? Because you can have one situation and a circle of people around it, everybody's going to remember it differently. Yep. And it's beautiful because you should have your own perspective and not hate people on their perspective. Right, you know, they're entitled to it. Yep. And even if it's wrong, it's not worth the energy to to argue it, you know, right? Yeah, some heavy stuff. I know About that girl under the table. No, what's going on with her? We'll teach her to meditate man, but I'll tell you meditation saved my fucking life. Yeah, and I have learned Now, because I can tell myself when I'm going into a low vibration, I can notice it by what I start to watch on TV. What I consume my, my ears with, what I listen to, what I watch, you know, when I'm very high vibe, obviously I eat cleaner foods, um, I'm more intentional about what I'm listening to, and, um, but, and usually when I'm high vibe, I don't want to turn the TV on at all, but you know, I was just in like a lower vibration last week, I was letting stress take over, and you know, you've got to have, you Those downward spirals in order and gratefully, my spirals aren't even nearly, you know, it's something that I'm able to be aware of and pull myself out of. Yep. But I go through it. Yep. You know, and, um, and I find a purpose to, to heal myself, whatever it is that I'm going through. But I'm definitely more in a high vibe state of mind when I'm eating cleaner, when I'm conscious of what I listen to. And I think what, what, when you're in the car. If you drive a lot, like I have a 25 minute drive to and from work or whatever it is that I'm doing, I don't listen to today's music. I don't listen to that subliminal stuff. And certain artists are like that. Um, I listen to high frequencies. I listen to podcasts and I listen to things that keep and lift my mood. I think that's important to, to be aware of your shifts, what you plug into, because we are energetic. batteries and we need to recharge. Yeah. In, in stuff that literally brings us to that higher feeling. Yeah. Like vibration frequency. It's, it's Those are just words that I never used until I started learning about them, but like that we are energy and we are vibrating. We are a frequency. And if, if you tune your radio, like, like the old school radio, if you tune your dial and they're static, it's misalignment, like something's not right. And it's okay because you just keep turning the dial and then you are actually full, fully in the channel where then you're connected to what feels good. And then you can change the channel. Like you can literally change your channel. If it doesn't resonate, doesn't feel right, something is off, change the channel. You're going to go through the static. You're going to low vibe again. You're going to drop, but like, think of it like you're in a sphere. I was talking to my friend, she read this book and it really talks about like the sphere, the sphere that you're in. You're like, you imagine your heart. Just like, emitting this frequency that surrounds your entire being and that energy is what connects all of us. And so it's just, it's fascinating stuff. Yeah. And coming to when you said that there's control in our mind, I don't think people really realize that the control of our minds, how it plays into our TV shows, our music that we're listening to. Have you ever seen those experiments with studies when they take frequency and water? Yeah. How cool it is. Different shapes and different things. Yeah. Well, I noticed when I listen to certain music and I listen to things, how my vibe starts to become lower. And when I watch certain shows, I'm like, I start to feel like, and it takes over my subconscious. Yeah. Like a lot of this. Music has very low frequencies in it. You don't hear it, but your body knows, your energy knows it. And that's feeding into your subconscious and subliminal messaging. Not to mention commercials, news. Well, and, and there's a lot of terrible things going on in the world today. And, and, and even like different podcasts, like there are some that are really based on just the worst things that happen in the world. So it's like news on a podcast. So it's, it's, it's everywhere and you could tune into it in 80, 000 different ways. Right. My, my, my way of thinking and my perspective is, okay, there's war, there's certain things. There's nothing I can fucking do about it. Right. Me going to a protest, me, me chanting. To me, in my, my perspective, my thoughts, my, my heart's telling me that that's just adding to the negativity. You're supporting that. You know, and, um, I feel like it just feeds a negative energy and I, I think that's what certain people in the world want. Yeah. You know, so I just try to do good by... Right, sharing my stories, sharing things that lift me up and helping other people and just being a guiding hand and somebody needs help, like just sharing love and kindness, opening the door for somebody or smiling at a stranger, just everyday I try to do multitude of nice things. That to me is what the world needs. Yeah, you know, and I feel like so much energy is misplaced with the stuff that the media puts out there and our energy needs to go to. Yeah. Work on ourselves. You know, it all starts within. Yeah. Everything starts within. Yeah. And what you just said, I, I literally learned this because I, I've been, uh, like an anti cruelty supporter for seven years now. And it wasn't until I heard a, um, uh, quote by. Mother Teresa and I, I don't remember exact words, but it was something along the lines of, she said something like, you won't ever see me at a anti war protest, but you will, but I will put my energy into pro peace. And it's, that's exactly it. It's like, we think we're doing, and I mean, try it out and see if it fits for you. You know, what we're sharing is, again, our own perspective and We love when people have differing views, but like, I now feel like I don't want to take part in anti anything. I want to take part in pro what I feel is good. I love that. It's just, cause like, in our world, everything's anti antibiotics, antidepressants, anti anxiety. Like, we're constantly blocking what is. Why are we doing that? Right. And, and do we know it's choice? No, we don't until we come into this, you know, whatever, something that takes us down really hard. My brother dying took me down really hard, woke me up, thank God. And sometimes that's what it takes. Actually, I feel like that's really for everyone. That's what it takes to go down really hard, hit the bottom. Wake up and then your glasses come off. I mean, yeah, some people it's slowly waking up. Some people and you just see the world for what it is. It's a slow. It's been a slow journey for me. And I'm, I'm grateful. It is the way that it is because obviously it's supposed to be that way, right? It's as it's supposed to be. Yeah. Yeah. I just want like I always joke like I want world peace. But like, I think I finally understand what world peace is. Means, you know, it's we're all your own world your own inner world piece. Yeah, you know And it's because we can't control anyone else. We can't we can't control the people that run certain certain things We can't control the corporations. I mean, we can just decide to not support it. All right Yeah, like I I've really become Like so conscious of where I spent my money. Like, you know, I try to definitely support my posh apps. Um, I definitely go try to see what products I'm buying, you know, and I know B Corp yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. I'm in like going back to like all the things that we have today, like kids are upset if they don't have Nike socks, kids are upset if they don't have this, like I'm finding out it's like drip and like all the cool stuff in school and like, you know, all the drip is having Nike socks and, um, I definitely have parts of me that I like nice things and I own some nice name brand stuff, but that does not yeah. Make me who I am, you know, and I definitely see some people that are owned by name brands and to me That does not make you a holy person. That does not make you Any better than anybody else, you know, and I it's we live in a world of materialism and i'm seeing it younger and younger And I told mason i'll actually not buy you 90 sacks. You can have fucking walmart socks like just because like that is The cool thing. Yeah. I'm like, Nike socks do not define and do not make you cool, you know, and it's like, I was like, I'm almost kind of like strict in the weirdest ways. Like, yeah, I like that because I'm like, you're not going to be controlled by whoever makes this a cool thing. Yeah, you know, Yeah, yellow cracks, I guess, are like the big thing. I don't know. I don't know either. You won't ever find me in cracks, but um, okay. I, I think, I think this is a lovely, lovely conversation. Thank you everyone for tuning in every Sunday. On your special seat next to Meg and Court. We're so grateful for you tuning in to the Magical Midlife Crisis podcast. We will tune back in with you next week. We love you all. Beep, beep. Honk, honk. If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you either just appreciate our messy, awkward life experiences, or you're truly up for finding more magic in your life like we are. Definitely tune in every Sunday for more reality shifts that we explore between us and with many special guests that join. If you feel it, please subscribe so you don't miss your seat on our magical earth school bus. Your experience with this show really means a lot to us. So we want to genuinely welcome you to leave an honest review. Your voice matters exactly how it is. You can follow us on social media, check the show notes, and if you really want to get in the action, send us a message directly through our email.