Episode 9 - Michael Crawford, his book IT IS WHAT IT IS, but it doesn't have to stay that way

You're back?!? Thank you, Really! So are we! Grateful to have woken up, filled our lungs, stretched our limbs, connected all the dots along the path for today! One of those dots was Michael Crawford! Thank you AGAIN Vicki!

In this gripping and moving episode of The Magical Midlife Crisis, we sit down with Michael Crawford, an inspiring individual who took us on a journey from a life consumed by addiction, pain, and hopelessness to a place of forgiveness, healing, and deep inner connection. 

Michael's candid life story conveys hard-learned wisdom, validating the power of openness as a pathway to healing.

Towards the end, it steers towards healing and transformation marked by his motivation to inspire others through his book, "IT IS WHAT IT IS, but it doesn't have to stay that way", asking people to openly confront their trauma, understand it and heal it.....

We aren't telling you what to do..... buuuuut hit 'play' asap! and then connect with the magical human known as, Michael Crawford on facebook or through his site Invent Results. 

If you believe in magic, you'll live a magical life. Tune into you next Sunday! Beep beep, honk honk!

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Tune in to you next time!

Want to have your own discovery on how the mind & body are interconnected? And learn how food can lead to a more sustainable & vibrant life? --> *** Click here to learn more and/or message us on the 30 Days to Healthier Living! *** <--

Directly connect with Meg: @meg.itate.8itch
Directly connect with Court: @coco.compassion
Connect to us both: themagicalmidlifecrisis@gmail.com --- Write to us! We'd love to learn about a magical midlife crisis story of your own or someone you know!

Transcript

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I have a dear friend, Jimmy, who also passed away. He got a brain tumor and passed, but he, um, 26 years ago, he used to just, he was basically like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. He was such a freak, man. I loved him, but he would say, dude, You just have to allow. And I'm like, wiry as hell. I'm like, allow what? And he said, just relax, dude. Just allow. And I'm like, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about, Jimmy. Yeah. And, um, you know, it took me a couple of decades and a lot of bloody faces to get to the point where I heard him. And I think what he meant, pretty sure what he meant, was I just have to allow people to love me. You know. that requires that I give up perception of control. Right? I, I can love you, man. I can shower you with gifts. I will work 70 hours a week to provide for you. I will do for you until the day is done and then some. But when you put me in a place of vulnerability, where I actually allow myself to feel your love and my heart, now you've changed the rules or better yet, I've changed the rules. Now I've become vulnerable. And I've become seen and known and felt Court and Meg here with the Magical Midlife Crisis. This podcast is intended to inspire and support you on your personal journey towards feeling more magic. Breathe, press play, expect real and raw stories and shifts. Come back with your own stories, shifts, and magical light moments through your darkness in your life. Once we pinpoint The mind to search for the magic, the magic will show up. It's just a matter of time. It could be at any moment in the middle of this magical ride we call life. Enjoying this episode. Grab your seat every Sunday. Expect magic. Michael Crawford. Can you hear me? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Yay. Nice to meet you guys. Nice to meet you too. Court. This is Meg. Hello. Hi court. Hi Meg. How are you guys? How are you? I think I'm all right. Yeah. It's to be determined. Yeah. How was your book signing yesterday? Uh, they're, you know what, they're, uh, nothing like I would imagine them to be, uh, but they're totally chill and cool and fun. And I've gotten to meet people. I haven't seen that meet reconnect with people I haven't seen in 40 years, you know, some of my biggest support has been high school people. Wow. Honest to God. I haven't, I mean, if. If it weren't for Facebook, we probably would never talk to one another, you know, but, um, I've had a tremendous amount of support from that community and from other communities that I'm a part of and, uh, family. It's been really cool. It's, it's been completely surreal. Yeah. Just amazing. Really? I'm so blessed, man. I can't even tell you. Well, I, I, I'm really excited to hear your story, so I'll, I'll just. Introduce you. Um, so hi everyone. Hi. Magical humans tuning into the magical midlife crisis podcast. We have a guest. His name is Mike Crawford. He was just introduced to me via text from a friend that I do, that I work out with yesterday. Was it, was it all yesterday? So she, um, a friend of mine, Vicky, we're going to give her a shout out. She, uh, she texted me. It's four, four, four guys. Uh, she sent me a message. She's like, you have a podcast? Question, question, mark. And she's like, I just started listening. I think you have to meet a friend of mine. He just wrote a book and I just feel like you, you need to know each other. And I'm like, hook it up, make the connection. So we just met Mike. And this is the first moment that we're meeting and I'm so stoked for you to share your magical midlife crisis story, the light that you found in the darkness, um, all, all, all parts of it, parts of it, whatever you, whatever you want, but I'm just so grateful that Vicky made the connection and we made this happen. I think, I mean, talk about the universal timing and aligning and I'm just, I'm stoked. I'm stoked. Yeah, thank you so much. I don't even, I'm not sure if I know the right place to start, but I'm just going to go with it, uh, first of all, hands down, you, you brought up the universe, you know, um, you had to pick up the phone, Vicky had to write the text, I had to respond, you had to reply, we had to connect, we had to make time. That was our part, God or the universe, whatever you want to call it, had everything to do with everything else. Yeah. So, um, that's, that's the light as I like to see it. You know, when, when amazing things happen because I stayed out of the way and I did what was in front of me, you know, um, thank you so much. This is really humbling. I don't, you know, I don't know. I wrote this book, I guess I should start there. I wrote this book called it is what it is, but it doesn't have to stay that way. Yeah, I've been collecting, thank you. Yeah, thank you. I've been collecting notes and whatnot. Stick them notes and voice notes, phone notes, scratch paper for years. Uh, about what would I write if I was going to write a book? What are the thoughts? What are the most profound thoughts come to mind? What really seems to hit? I've been doing that for a long time and, and about, uh, what's today? The 30th of November. Yeah. Um, 11 months ago yesterday, my older brother passed away quite suddenly. And, uh, Gary was, um, I, it was my longest standing enemy and my longest standing best friend in the whole wide world, much like most siblings, nothing special there. Right. But what I, what I relearned there was that, uh, tomorrow is not promised to any of us, you know, and if there's something you truly feel passionate about, and you're not acting on it, then, uh, something isn't right within. And, and for me, that was crossing over some, I would say, emotionally treacherous, treacherous places. You know, in order for me to write this book, I had to talk about the dark places that, that you guys, uh, kind of talked about. I listened to your, I think it was episode eight. Is that right? The most recent one. Does that sound right? Yeah. Thank you for doing that. Um, I listened to that yesterday. Oh yeah. Thanks for giving me some time to put in on. Appreciate it. Um, but that, you know, I had to, I had to really go through that. that difficulty and talk about the things that were true and the things that were, uh, the thing that, how I reacted to those situations in my life. Um, and then what became of that? So, you know, the, the dark part is only dark because there's something opposing that and that's light, right? For me, that's God. And I spent a lot of time in the dark and I was completely comfortable with being in the dark forever. And I mean forever, uh, and, uh, and that wasn't the plan, you know, it was my plan, but it wasn't the plan. So the book kind of starts out by talking about the people that we're most connected with, right? So you guys have probably heard that you are a byproduct of the five people you're around the most. Right. You ever heard that? Oh yeah. So I, I've heard that. And, and I think it's true. You know, um, if I hang out with assholes, I'm probably going to be a pretty good asshole. Or if I hang around with really kind and loving people, I'm going to carry that into my day to day life too. You know, um, but think about it as children. And you guys talked about this in that podcast as children. We're a by product of who we get mom, dad, stepdad. Some of that shit smells pretty nasty, you know? Um, and some of it smells like flowers. Um, my, my people were, were my mom and my dad, uh, my grandma and my grandfather, maternal, my first stepfather, my second stepfather, and my older brother, Gary, who passed away. And, and ultimately his loss was the birth of this book because I, I wouldn't have done it without him. I wouldn't have had that hard lesson again and, and I couldn't have done it, um, if I didn't have his influence in my life, you know, he saved my ass. Both by leading the path and I, I could kinda stay in his shadow and get around, get away with all kinds of stuff that I probably shouldn't have. Uh, and that drove me to a bottom a heck of a lot faster than, than maybe some folks, you know, he was my guard man. Um, and I could, I could just get away with a lot of shit because he always got caught and I didn't. But anyway, those, those people. We're from zero to 15, the most influential people in my life. And I opened the book by talking about them, telling a few stories about them. And, uh, you know, just real quickly, my mom, I'll begin there. You know, I, my mom is still with us. Uh, thank God my dad has passed. But my ma was just feverishly committed to telling my brother and I how much she loved us. You know, I love you. I love you. I love you, but and it crushed me. I couldn't hear shit. Once she said, but I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't feel anything. I love you, but you're a little shit. I love you, but you don't listen. I love you, but this, I love you, but that my mother never told me she loved me, but I will always tell you, I love you, but so I just kind of got a diluted message of what the hell that was like, right? That was mom. Then my dad, my first memory in life was I was three years old, sitting on my living room floor and, uh, you know, just. snot nose, a little shit, my tidy whiteys and crying and, and just, just absolutely hysterical. My father was leaving. They had been fighting, you know, and mom and dad were fighting and, and my dad was leaving. And I don't know how I knew this at that age of, I just turned three. It was right after my birthday, my birthday's in November. And it was just after my birthday. I remember the Christmas tree being there. And, uh, I was sitting on this little bitty clown pattern pillow, which I've saved and it's somewhere in my stack of shit that I've collected forever. But I was sitting on that thing, just bawling my eyes out, wanting him to stay, begging for him to stay because I knew he was going to leave. You know, I knew it. And, um, and he left. And the message was not mom and dad had a problem. The message was no matter how hard I begged him, how hard I cried, how hard I screamed. And that's what I carried with me for the rest of my life, you know, um, until as the book says, it doesn't have to stay that way, you know, so that's mom and dad and, and I was, I was, uh, Exposed to a lot of people, you know, early on, but, and I don't want to get into all of it, but, um, cause it'll take a hell of a lot more than an hour or an hour and a half, but I can tell you that the book is really just about the seeds, you know, and, and then, and then from those seeds, my brother was a huge influence in my life. God bless him. My first stepfather was, uh, just real quickly, he was, um, an unsavory guy, you know, he hung around with like mobsters and carried guns. Money, but never enough money to pay the bills showed up, didn't show up. He was in and out, but what he did. So like when my dad left, he pretty much was like, I can't handle this shit. I can't handle being away from you guys. So I'm just not going to be with you guys. And I understand that now. And I didn't then. Yeah. Um, but, uh, Gordy, who is my stepfather came in and he gave me attention. And even though it was this really just a pretty shitty human, he gave me attention. So I loved him, man. I just loved the hell out of him. And he died tragically when I was 10, uh, or just before I turned 10. Um, so that was like a whole bunch of holy shit. But all through the, all through all of this traumatic crap that I went through as a child, my grandmother and my grandfather and my, and my brother were really consistent. My brother was scared of everything. And I was stupid brave, which means like, I'll do anything. I don't give a shit. Mom says there's a bear behind the door. My brother's hauling ass in one direction and I'm running towards the door to, you know, prove it. Um, and, and he was just like that. So I, I was kind of like the brave one, the one he'd send up ahead to make sure we weren't going to get caught. And then he was the one that got caught, you know, so no wonder he was scared. Uh, but that, that was my relationship with Gary. He, he was my protector and, uh. My grandma and grandpa were awesome, but they opened a door for as amazing as they are, and I will never take anything away from them. They opened a door to alcohol. When I was eight years old at my grandma's house, I wanted to have a sip of wine or something like that, you know, and, and, um, I don't know how it all came about, but I got my sip, but I didn't want a sip, but I wanted to more than a sip because I'm addicted to more, more of everything. More sex, drugs, rock and roll, sleep work. If you could put more on it, I want it. Um, and grandma gave me a glass of wine so that I could have a sip, and I had a sip. I drank the whole thing in the first chance, right? That wouldn't be anything else. I wouldn't be a sip if I didn't. Um, and I got drunk, and I felt great, and I was like, hell yeah! I figured it out! Finally! Thank you, God. Thank you. I don't feel like I want to die anymore. Um, so I felt And this is at eight this is at eight years old? Yeah. Yeah, I was eight years old. Wow. Thank you, God. And, um, so, you know, I had a whole new best friend, man, alcohol was like, first of all, wine was not rough, you know, it wasn't Jack Daniels, but it wasn't, I could, I could take it. And if you put a little bit of seven up in it, which my grandma later taught me how to do, I could have a fancy cocktail and while all the other kids are having wine, you know, kitty cocktails. What their little cherries and shit. I'm over there with some Boone's Farm Tickle Pink and a bottle of Sprite. And my grandma knew it! And she's like, Hey, if it makes the kid happy and it shuts him up, I was a freaking spaz, man. But yeah, I fell in love with alcohol really early. And I fell in love mostly with what it did for me. You know, it completed me. It made me whole. And it made me safe. And I didn't feel afraid. There's a, there's a thing in the book, um, that I can't quote it verbatim off the top of my head. But basically what I learned really early on in life was shut up, comply. Don't really talk about your feelings. Talk about what you think they want your feelings to be. If you're going to talk and then, then you'll be in control and you'll be safe. You can get away with anything you can drink alcohol, you can steal money, you can have as many girlfriends as you want, or as many friends as you want, or as many, you can steal, you could do anything, but just don't tell the truth about what's going on in your guts. Don't tell the truth about your thoughts, your feelings. Don't do that. Do not do that at all costs. I didn't learn that because I had some epiphany. I learned that because I tried to be honest. And the honesty was more painful than the lie on a repeated basis. So I learned that really, really early. I remember in sixth grade, or sorry, in first grade, I was six years old that walking up to school the first day, like, what am I going to make my lie about? What am I going to, what am I going to be? What fantasy character am I going to be? What am I going to talk about? It's going to make people like me because I sure as hell can't tell them what's on the inside. They weren't like that, and I needed so badly to be liked. So anyway, yeah, fast forward a little bit and, um, I don't know. I was probably, I started drinking when I was eight and I started smoking weed when I was like 14. I think the first time I got high, I didn't even get high. It was such a waste of time. Uh, I bought my brother tickets to a rush concert. And, um, he's like, well, you want to get high? I'm like, hell yeah. So he's, he smokes a ball and he's like baked out of his mind and I didn't get anything. I thought it was the biggest waste of time and money in the whole wide world. But wouldn't you know, I tried it again. I mean, cause you know, if it's worth once it's worth twice. And I hit a, I hit a home run, man. I got just high as balls. Oh my God. Hell yeah. It was like the best. Oh, it was as good as the first time I got drunk. I literally, I literally wanted to become a Rastafarian and I think I still want to be Rastafarian, you know, um, but you know, I will do nothing if I, if I start getting high again, I will do nothing else. Um, but yeah, that was like 13 or 14. By the time I was 16 years old, I was doing coke off my kitchen table or any other hard surface on a regular basis. I started taking, I think I started taking speed a lot too. I can't remember when I did that. I think that was like seventh grade, but by the time I was 16, I'm like full blown. When I was 14 years old, I started taking acid. I forgot about that. My friend turned me on to acid and I'm like, this is amazing. I absolutely love it. And what I've learned since then is that the complete detachment from all things real just made me feel okay. You know, cause all things real made me feel like a piece of shit and man, I'm sorry for anybody that has to live that way. And I know I'm not unique, but that was what it was, but what it is. 100%. Um, by the time I was, by the time I was 17 years old, I was in a rock band and the only reason I was in a rock band is because I could get a lot of free drugs. The girls were like, amazing. The alcohol was Wonderful. I could, I grew up in Elgin and I knew every store that I could buy legally at Elgin at 17, you know, and, and I had a job, my parents opened a business. I worked my ass off from the time I was probably 12. My mom remarried, uh, Jerry, my pops, uh, who is an absolute Saint shouted out to the sky. He is. The most amazing man I've ever met in my life. A hundred percent saved my ass. And my book says it. And it's in many ways a tribute to him. Um,'cause I'm, he is the man I most want to be. But nonetheless, I worked there. I had plenty of money. I could buy alcohol at the time I was in this band, and I was just on a downward spiral really, really, really fast. Um, and I, I don't know, I was probably in a blackout for most of 17 and going to school. Still, I, I maintain my, my. High school, uh, status until my senior year. I, uh, I dunno, I was skipping school. I was hanging out the band room, partying and doing what we do. And I, um, I had to serve a bunch of detentions. I don't remember. I know I skipped school, so that must've been it. And I ended up going back after Christmas break and I had to serve these detentions. And my routine at that point was to wake up, drink some beers, brush my teeth. Get high as hell and go to school every day. And I went to school to do this detention, which is a bit before school thing. And the Dean smelled the weed on me big time, you know? So I go to the first hour and he goes to my locker and finds a shit load of weed. And next thing I know, the cops and the deans and the principal are at my first hour class, whatnot, escort me out. And they said, well, you have two choices. You can go to jail with these officers, or you can call your parents and ask for help. And I'm like, well, I'm not an idiot. I'm going to treatment, man. They got chicks and treatment. I can't get high for a while. I should probably, I should probably sober up for a bit. So I did, you know, I was, my cocaine problem was off the hook, man. I mean, being in a band in the late 80s, mid eighties, late eighties. I've graduated in 87. So whatever that was, 1986, that was actually 1987 was when I first, when I crashed. Coke was like the, the deal, you know, you could get Coke easier than you could get weed. So I was just doing Coke out of symbols and everywhere I could and desktops and school. And it was ridiculous, man. My face is still messed up from it, but anyway, uh, I went into treatment, you know, and then I spent the next 10 years, um, in and out of sobriety. And, uh, you know, I heard a lot of people along the way, a lot. And, um, I guess my story really, really turns, you know, that, uh, when I was, oh shit, how old was I? 28? I think so. Sometime in late February of 28, I had gotten married. I got married, uh, three days after my 21st birthday. I married the most beautiful, angel, dream woman I could have ever imagined. I was, as a little guy, I was, I was, I hung out with a lot of Italians and I had this affinity for dark haired, big, beautiful women. Dark eyed Italian girls, because that's kind of who my first stepfather showed me to, you know, and that was just like, oh my god, and I married one of them, and she was a little Sicilian girl, and she was so sweet, and um, absolutely batshit crazy, just to match, you know, we wouldn't be two peas in a pod if we weren't both equally nuts, um, and I destroyed that relationship, she did her part, but my part is the one I have to talk about, you know, Um, I destroyed that relationship. And, and in, um, I was 28 years old, 19 March, February, March of 1997, probably February, I was drinking so bad. Um, I wake up, I'd gotten really addicted to, uh, uh, Painkillers like Vicodin and Percocets and Darvocets and broke into a couple of, um, uh, doctor's offices and stole shit loads of drugs. And we're just absolutely stupid. Um, but I really needed that. You know, I needed that to survive at the time. Um, so my routine was to wake up and smoke a big, a couple of hits off a bowl so I could just calm the hell down and get out of bed, get down to the kitchen, make myself a drink. Drink, get ready. And I don't know, you know, to me, it's normal to wake up and be sweating out liquor, right? That, that was a normal life for me, but you gotta wash it off, man. Cause no matter what you stink, even if you haven't been drinking that morning, you still stink, you drink as much as I did, but anyway, so I'd do that and get ready for work. Start driving to work. And every day for probably three months, I'd puke out my window on the way to work just because my stomach just couldn't handle the alcohol anymore. And I had this nice varnish removal on the side of the door. Oh God, it was such a piece of work and mind you, I'd like this high level engineer working for this manufacturing company. in our area and they had just made me employee of the year. I'm like, you fuckers have no idea what the hell you're doing. It's like, oh my God, this is nuts. So anyway, yeah, I'm a mess. And I, I'm trying to work like that. And as soon as I'd puke, I wasn't, I was perfect because then I could eat the pills and I'd be fine. Right. And, and all this drug abuse and alcohol abuse. Was just about making me okay in my own skin. And the fact of the matter is I had been contemplating suicide for at least at that point, at least 15 years. And one night in late February, probably early March, that contemplation became a reality. And, um, for anybody that's ever contemplated suicide or, or felt like, man, it would just be better if I wasn't here, you understand that. There's really kind of two thoughts that are going on. There's that desire to just stop feeling everything. And then there's that thought like, man, you just can't fucking do that. Well, that thought that says, well, you just can't fucking do that. It was like, you know what? It's okay. Go ahead and do that. And I felt for the first time. In a really, really, really long time, perfect peace and ease in the decision. So I was like, well, fuck, all right. I know what to do. I had a shotgun and where the shells were. And, um, I was, you know, in and out of sobriety, like I'm done, man. I can't do this shit anymore. So before I went and got the shotgun and I was in my, my, my daughter and my wife were down in Florida, enjoying Disney world where I couldn't go because I couldn't drink like I needed to drink or use like I needed to use. Um, uh, I had one, one child at the time and, um, I went to get that shotgun, but on the way there, I'm like, you know what, I'm going to, just to make sure I'm right about this thing, cause I know I am, but just to be sure, I'm going to have a conversation with God to make sure that I'm sure so I did. And I, I'm like, just like that little three year old boy that was crying for his old man in his living room. I got down on my knees in that cold ass garage in February or March or whatever it was and I was bawling my eyes out and I'm like, God, if you got any fucking thing to say about this, you better, you better say it. And it was quiet. I didn't get no flashing light. I didn't get no stranger walking to the door. I didn't have like anything. It's just a continuation of silence and emptiness. And I'm like, well, fuck it. You know what? I tried God, fuck you too. So I got up and I grabbed a beer and I walked inside, I didn't get the shotgun. And the next thing you know, I woke up the next morning. I have no idea. I just woke up and for the first time, and I can't tell you how many years I didn't have to drink. I didn't have a desire to drink. I didn't have a desire to get high. What? Yeah. I have chills, full body chills. Yeah. So that was my introduction to, or maybe the beginning of my part of my relationship with my creator. You know, um, I came to him full of spite and anger and, uh, I gave up, I was done. And I was perfectly okay being done. And I had every intention in the world of putting my brains on the law. And I. I was at some, some level excited. And then I woke up the next morning, and not only did I wake up the next morning I wake up, I woke up, unlike I had woken up in such a long time. And that began my. My latest and greatest, uh, stint in recovery. That was, uh, whatever, 26 and some months ago, 26 years. And some months ago, I don't really know what day it was, but a friend of mine made me pick a day. So I picked March 2nd. Cause I truly don't know. I was such a mess, but it was what it was. You know, I did a lot of things that I didn't want to do. Um, and I like to believe that I wasn't a complete bag of shit. I was a really, really. The really, really, really, really sick guy and getting sober does not fix the fucking problem. Pardon my language if it's offensive to anybody, but it doesn't, what it does is open the door to fixing the problem. Cause when I was using, there was no choice on whether or not I was going to keep using. I didn't have a choice as to whether or not I was going to go talk to a counselor or I was going to address shit from my childhood. If I was going to heal old wounds. No way, no, how I'm just going to get fucked up because that was what I did. And when I wanted to stop, I couldn't stop. So whatever, forget about it. It's over with, you know, so getting sober was not the solution, but it was absolutely critical and a vital part of the solution. My relationship with God is at the end of the day where it all began and, and that spiteful prayer. That I had on my cold ass knees with my snot bubbles and my tears and my probably nasty ass BO because I didn't bathe well, you know, that was the one that that started it all. I'm so grateful for it. I'm so grateful I got that broken. I'm so grateful I did. As I, as long as I had an option to be something other than what I was designed to be. I wasn't willing to be that, you know, we talked about defects of character. You know, do you know what that means. I'm It means I wasn't as designed. A defect is a deviation from the design. I was designed to be wonderful. I was designed to be amazing and beautiful and kind and loving. I wasn't designed to be a drunken asshole. That wasn't the plan. You know? Yeah. That isn't the plan for any of us. But. You know, we, we get, we get dealt this hand and then we do some shit with it. And hopefully some of us come out the other side. And sadly, a lot of us don't, you know, sadly, a lot of us don't get to really experience the joy that is living a life that is led by a power greater than ourselves. You know, um, I, I got sober mark second, 1997, and I continued to fuck things up for a long, long, long time. You know, I, it's almost comical. I think I probably caused more damage without booze than I did with, you know. Um, but the fact of the matter is I'm responsible period. My parents are not responsible for my behavior, man. They stopped being responsible for that shit. Probably when I was 16 years old, you know, or 14 or 10, they didn't make me drink. They didn't put that shit in my body. God bless her and God rest her soul. Neither did my grandmother. You know, my brother was there, my cousins were there. They weren't doing it. I was, you know, eventually my brother caught up. But no man, that was on me. You know, that was on me. It was, I was responsible for it, and I am today. You know that I have, I have now I have my daughter, Maria, it's her birthday today, by the way. Happy birthday, Maria. Yeah. She's a 31 years old today, which is incredible. I can't believe I've lived long enough to have a 31 year old kid. Um, a blessing. Oh my God. Tell me about it. And then I've got three other blessings because I remarried. In 2017, um, probably the most angelic human being I've ever met who is flawed. Don't get me wrong. Um, I, I'm not here to talk about Beck, but she's been probably the, um, the clearest path towards a relationship with God that doesn't involve religion, which I fought with everything my entire life, and then God says, you know what? Check out this hot and I'm like, Ooh, look, it's amazing. And I know her a little bit, but she's God and I'm like, Oh, you're religious. She's not religious. I just love God. What the hell does that mean? What does that mean? She's like, I just love God. I'm like, well, you don't go to church. She's like, yeah, but I just love God. Why does it have to be a religious thing? You got to understand I got introduced. to church. You guys talked about this, I think, or a little closely to it. Friday and Saturday night was for partying, man. Saturday night, my ma usually got her ass kicked by Gordy and Sunday morning we went to church and everybody had to behave. And it smelled like gin and cigarettes and bad polyester and, and sweat and nasty, we'd go and pretend like we were some God loving people. And then we'd go home and no one would talk to one another. It was like, what the fuck are you, what are you doing? You know, a lot of times that people leave God in church. Oh, man. Like you leave it on you. It was so, it was so shitty. If you're out there and you're doing that to your kids, fucking stop it. Don't make them go to church, you know, and I'm not, listen, I'm Christian. I love Jesus Christ. He is my Lord and Savior. And not everybody's there and that's all right, but don't force people to swallow a pill that tastes like shit because you shit on it. Don't do that, man. That's fucking rude. And it will mess up your kids. Yeah. For 50 years of my life, I spent time trying to figure out who God was for me. Because the God I learned as a child was attached to molestation. He was attached to beatings, he was attached to gross alcoholism, and more than anything else, he was attached to a lie. Right? Come back to that comment that I made earlier. Shh! Don't tell the truth about how you feel, because if you do, they're going to know the truth, and then you're going to really have some shit to deal with. So just tell them what they want to hear. So what do I do? I go to catechism. That's what I do. I get, I get confirmed, and I get a new bike. That's what I do. I don't, I don't go to church to learn about God. I go to church so I can make people happy and get a bike. Yeah. What a shitty way to get introduced to God. Give him all your money. Fucking A, that's right. That's ridiculous, man. You know? So, I'm far from perfect. I'll never be perfect. Who wants to be perfect anyways? What's the joy in that? But I, I've been, you know what? I'll let you know. But I won't. Cause I, I don't know. I don't really want to be. I don't know that. I think some people think they are perfect in many respects, which confuses the shit out of me. Um, like if you can live past the age of 10 and think you're perfect, you probably fucking should be locked up. Um, too much time in church. Maybe, maybe that's yeah you got a point. So gosh I don't know man I've been talking a lot guys and I don't want to be stealing all the airspace here. No, it's really. Fascinating. Really. I mean, you, you really blew my mind open with your story of not blowing your mind open because it made me think like figuratively that you did and the life of that person you were. And then I was literally. Yeah, I remember that once in a while, or, you know, every now and then I get a little bit ahead of myself, I'll get over my skis right. And, um, I come back to that moment. I, I was done, ladies. I was done, done. You know, I could really resonate with, and I know Courtney can too, with the thoughts of wanting to end your life. It's like you literally, it's like a tug of war of angel and the devil, like on each shoulder, like, and having those moments and then you start to like, everything starts to flash before your eyes. Like, Oh my God, is this person like, I'm going to hurt this person or is, is what I'm feeling right now. Is it worth me ending it and leaving? Like, I can definitely relate with. With the struggle of the two voices, one telling you to do it, the other one just to fight. And we've talked about that in previous episodes. Yeah. I think it's something that a lot of people do contemplate on, on various levels. And I, I mean, I talked to a lot of people with kids that are in their early teens, preteens. That are saying this and it's, I said that when I was 11 to myself, I don't think I said it to anybody else, but, and then that's just the start of it. Then you continue to go through all of the tests of life and then, and then like want to hit the, hit the reset button, the game over. But of course. You don't, you don't, you don't have the capacity to understand what that really means at that time. So it's just fascinating. Your story is. It is unique. I know you said you're not unique. You're, you, you are. This is amazing. I'm so happy that Vicky connected us. Very grateful. Me too. Thank you guys. And for you to be here to share your story. Right. Isn't that amazing? It is. And I, I love the how, I just love your personality and how you share. I have to just, first of all, the F bombs you're throwing out. I love it. Um, just the way you talk and vibe. It's, it's real. Yeah. I'm feeling it big time, but. Just how you could like, you could just hear the compassion and like you have for your younger self. And it's just the way that you're able to like, not laugh at it, but you express it in a humorous way. I don't know. It just makes it, I can't explain it. It's just, I think in life we're a little too serious all the time and to be able to Look at it, appreciate it, joke about it, but in a, in a real compassionate way, like you said, it's, it's unique. I think I, I definitely appreciate it as well. I'm really stoked to read your book. Oh, I got to get it over to you guys. So shoot me your deets and I'll copy some copies. Cause that's what's. That's what the right thing is to do. Well, well, you gotta sign it too. Yeah. You gotta, yeah, I can do that. I'll do that. I, um, we'll meet up with daily projects. I Yeah, that's, get me some of that, uh, lemon, lemon, ginger, agave tea any day. I love that stuff. Stuff. You know, I just wanna say, I just wanna say something really quick. Um, please do. I have a similar childhood to you in the sense of drinking at a young age and everything. And I, when I often talk about. My drinking history and the person that I was when I would be very drunk. And I talk about it within a humorous way, but I feel like when I share my stories, because I do share it in a humorous way, but obviously having this podcast, people are able to really look at it in a deeper level. Like, yeah, I might share things. Like, Oh, I was funny or I did like this, but I truly there's pain and like hurt behind that. And there's a young child behind that, those behaviors. And it's just, I don't know, it's just wild. And it's. Very cool to hear your story. I'm just, thank you for sharing that. Yeah, thank you. That makes me think of, so I, I've been to, um, a support group because alcohol was very heavily used in my family. I married someone who used alcohol very, very often, and I started to learn that. Like I love the depth of life, but sometimes other people around me don't want to go to that level. And so, I saw how going there made it really painful for them. So they would use something like alcohol for the people that I was connected with. And I wanted to connect with them. So then, I would use alcohol. And I would pretty much be in the same boat they were for my own reasons. And it just I mean, I know a lot of the time that I just think the use of anything for it to just be called a disease is interesting to me. I still don't know how I feel about it exactly, but I feel like the use of anything to numb out and not feel something is a protective mechanism. And I feel like there, it can be different for everyone and every person that responds differently to alcohol or something. Like some people have the gene, quote unquote. I don't know. I just feel like we're all programmed or conditioned. To you, something To numb. Yeah. To, to not feel something deeper and then feel like we have something so much bigger than just us. Like when I started to really, so I kind of parallel to you, my older brother passed away and he, I'm sorry. He, thank you. He opened my eyes. If you go back and listen to episode one, opened My Eyes two. What's possible in life? And it was, it was a journey from there in steps that were just small enough yet big enough for me to start growing and learning. And getting to the point where I finally realized that there is, we truly are in my belief now, we are so connected, all of us and the pain that we all have is so shared in our own unique ways. But we really truly are part of something so much bigger than just ourselves. Yeah. And that's how we were connected because we're at this level of our energy bringing us. To each other and, and having our receptors open to that, you know, it's not just the law of attraction. It's the law of receiving. And that's something I've been so adamant and intentional about is just opening my ability to receive and not just be. A giver, because that feels really good, but it blocks the receiving and then doesn't allow that energy to flow through and connect to other people and hear their story and hear where they came from and grow from there and take in all of these awesome gems that you're giving us about what you've learned along your path. My, uh, I have a dear friend, Jimmy, who also passed away. He got a brain tumor and passed, but he, um, 26 years ago, he used to just, he was basically like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. He was such a freak, man. I loved him, but he would say, dude, You just have to allow. And I'm like, wiry as hell. I'm like, allow what? And he said, just relax, dude. Just allow. And I'm like, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about, Jimmy. Yeah. And, um, you know, it took me a couple of decades and a lot of bloody faces to get to the point where I heard him. And I think what he meant, pretty sure what he meant, was I just have to allow people to love me. You know. that requires that I give up perception of control. Right? I, I can love you, man. I can shower you with gifts. I will work 70 hours a week to provide for you. I will do for you until the day is done and then some. But when you put me in a place of vulnerability, where I actually allow myself to feel your love and my heart, now you've changed the rules or better yet, I've changed the rules. Now I've become vulnerable. And I've become seen and known and felt and that scares the fuck out of me, scares the fuck out of me. To this day. I mean, you know, I wrote this book and I wrote in the book about, I wasn't meant to be afraid of love. I wasn't designed to be that way, but I am, you know? So if I'm afraid of love, what am I going to do about it? Cause I, you know what girls, I gotta be honest, all that book is about what it was, but more than that, it's about what the hell it can be. Go on and feel some shit that's hard. Go ahead. You're gonna be alright. I promise. It's gonna feel like shit. It's gonna hurt. But you know what? Feel the hard shit, man. Surround yourself with people that genuinely love themselves. Then they can love you and feel it. Um, like this. I, uh, I heard a lot of people in my life, man, and I can't undo those hurts, but I can be a good man today. I can be an honorable man today, and I am my father present moment. That's right. My father. Um, he passed away in 2017. And just before, just before he passed away. Uh, he was living up in, in just north of Madison, Wisconsin with my brother and Gary calls me. He's like, man, his health had been declining and he's like, man, if you're gonna, if you need to do anything else, you need to come up here and do it and just make sure you're right. You know? And I thought I was right. Cause I talked to dad and I'm like, yeah, he's fucking done. You know, I'd been up there a few times. But inside of me was this poison, this, this, this seed of cyanide, of cancer, as I call it, growing inside of me. And my wife looks at me, and Beck, Beck is her name, she says, Honey, are you sure? Are you sure you don't need to go? And I couldn't answer yes. Freaking called me out on it, in a gentle, loving, non intentional way. And I went up there that day and I, I, I forgave my dad for not being around, for not being around at all, you know, he'd show up if it was right for him. But as a fucking little kid, I need more than that. And I forgave him. And I told him that I could have been a better son, because the truth is I sucked as a son. It's truly impossible to be a good son when you got a nose full of cocaine and a stomach full of Jack Daniels, and you haven't seen your family in God knows how many weeks. You just can't be a good son. I don't give a shit what you think, or whose fault it is. So that's what I meant by taking responsibility for it, and I allowed the opportunity. Of the moment to define the rest of my life because in allowing and not dismissing what Becky said, I went with the energy that was in front of me and that was to go see my father. And then when I got there, the energy was different. The energy wasn't telling him goodbye and walk out. The energy was kneel next to him, hold his hand, tell him I love them and forgive him. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be mad at him for the rest of my life. God didn't want that for you. Bingo. And that's what I had to allow, you know, with people is the love from God and I have to allow that too. And I still don't necessarily think I'm worthy of all of that, but clearly I am here. I am, you know, 26 plus years later, without a shitload of BBC, the back of my head. And countless attempts fucking up a great life since then, you know, I have a great life, man. I, I was in corporate America for over 30 years. I exited that. I started my consulting business. That went great. I needed to do more. I got my real estate license. I started selling real estate. I needed to do more. My brother died. I wrote this book. I'm on this podcast. I don't know you guys from anybody, but you know what? Over the last 24 hours, some shit has happened. That I didn't see. I didn't see it coming, did you? No. I'm like, Vicky, I, I, I, I know Vicky, but I don't know Vicky. I know Vicky, but I don't know Vicky. Vicky's like, hey, what do you think about this? I'm like, hell yeah, I'm willing. And then boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Here we are. So cool. It's so kick ass. Yeah. Oh, shit. It is. Wow. What else can I answer for you or tell for you? I, I feel like, you know, I should. I don't know. I don't know if I do. Just absorbing. Um, yeah. All of it. I feel like I've met you before. Possible. What was your band? Oh my god. Did you ever play in Hoffman Estates? Yeah. At the Neighborhood Inn? No. Oh, this is a thousand years ago, man. Um, uh, Dante's pizzeria. I'm so bad. I was a singer. I couldn't, I couldn't hold a tune to save my life, but man, the drugs were great and everything else was too, you know, holy crap. No, I used to, I, we used to practice in a, in a, um, over the top of a meat market in Elgin, John's meat market, second story, rented out rooms to bands all over Elgin. And man, people would be in prison for the rest of their life if they did that shit today. Oh my God. Um, I, I want to, I want to share. And I think you look familiar too. You do. I'm not sure where or why, but both of you do. Um, so, I don't know. Maybe our past lives, we were all, you know, are in a parallel universe. Maybe I was doing coke with you somewhere, even though I was like two, maybe I just turned 55. So it's highly possible. Wait, when's your birthday? You said you're November, November 15th and November 23rd. So happy birthday and ditto, ditto to you a week ago. Um, I want to, I want to share that, you know, the vulnerability in this book is, it's what I had to write. And, and when I began doing it, I really didn't know what it was going to end like, and I had a, I had like 300 pages, man, which is way too damn much, way too much about me. Um, and, and I, I boiled it down and blow it down and blow it down. I'm down to like 120 pages and, um, I put an extra 30 pages on the backend because I really so desperately want people to tell their own story. Write it, write it down. The pages are blank. The last 30 pages are for you. And um, here's the book by the way. Oops. It is what it is. But it doesn't have to stay that way. This is the last page. I'll read it to you guys. It says, the rest of this book is for you. Please use it. Please fill in the blank space as you wish. Ask your questions. Answer them too. Tell your secrets. Color a picture. Tell a story. Tell your story. In my most loving way, I thank you, Michael, Mike, Mick, Mikey, husband, son, dad, brother, fucking friend. I want people to be able to tell their story in a safe place. And I don't give a shit if they write it down and then go burn my book. But the healing begins when that seed, that cancer that I talked about is exhausted and put out there and just get it the fuck out, man. I don't care how you got to do it. Cuss at God, cuss at something. Doesn't matter. Just get it out. Cause the healing begins. Like, Oh, you don't want that shit to grow. Don't talk about it. Fuck that. Talk about it. Take a chance. If it's been inside of you for 25 goddamn years and you're suffering and you're not talking about it, maybe just talk about it. Maybe do something different because it doesn't have to stay that way. You're going to have to do shit you thought was ridiculous. You're going to have to tell people stories about your life that, that you didn't want to, you know, that you thought didn't matter. It fucking matters, man. If you're sick on the inside and you don't feel the love that's around you, man, shit's stopping you from living the absolute best life. And I could die right now and I will be, I will have lived a great life. I don't think that's going to happen, man. I'm hanging out, you know, I'm hanging out and I've got purpose. My purpose today is to, to help people that want help figure out a way to get through some shit without putting nails into every one of their freaking appendages, man. They don't have to do that shit. You don't have to just don't. And kids, you know, I got David, Daniel, and Lily are the three kids that I'm married into. And I love them like my own children. I'm a grandfather now. Miles is my grandson. I look at these young people from Maria, my daughter, all the way down to Lily, who is 18. Daniel's in the Air Force. He's 20. David's 27. He's building houses. He's an amazing kid. I look at him and I go, my God, they got it. So together, how the fuck do they have that together? And then I remember that when I was 18 and in treatment and wanting to die, my father came and visited me. He said, and I asked him, why don't you hang out with me, dad? And he's like, what do you mean? I said, I need you in my life. He goes, what do you mean you need me in your life? You got it all figured out. You got it all together. Don't judge, don't judge somebody's fucking outsides and compared to what you think their insides look like, man. Don't do that. I have to make space for people to feel safe to talk about this shit. They're so terrified to talk about. And that's my book. I think that's the power of sharing your story, just in conversation with people or on a podcast or in a book. I think so many people walk around with shame and hidden trauma. They're too embarrassed or have too much pride to talk about, or they think they're the only ones. And I noticed when I have conversations, I'm kind of an open book and, um, It leaves the door open and a lot of people just start pouring open to me and sharing things and like I get people are like, I don't tell anybody this and I just met you and they're like, pouring out their story. They're like, I'm like, it's amazing to share to share and I. I think it's just the gift that should keep on giving, you know, just sharing stories and being just being somebody that somebody is like, you know what, if that person can share it, maybe I'll open up a conversation and I can share what's going on with me. And I feel like it's truly powerful and it's an amazing snowball effect and we all have our fucking pile of shit. We all have it. Yeah. But we didn't come here for your fucking pile of shit. We came here to be that loving energy for each other. Yeah. Even in our darkness. Yeah. Well, you know, if you don't have darkness, you can't have light. That's right. That's right. Duality, baby. That's right. Well, why did you guys start this podcast? Well, we share that in our first episode, but Oh, I'm sorry. I'll listen. No, no, it's okay. I mean, it's always good to add on to what we've already talked about, but it really was like in tribute to my brother. Like, I even said this today to someone like her sister had passed. And she asked, it's been 12 years for me. It's been a year for her sister. She's like, does it ever like get to the point where it doesn't hit you and you're not sobbing? And I'm like, I mean, maybe, but I love to focus on the best parts of my brother and that I don't already have. Well, I do now because I, I wanted to absorb those. And take them with me and allow it to live through me. So that's why we're on the podcast. Thanks for putting it out there. I appreciate it. Um, I honor my brother by missing him every day. The pain I feel in my heart and the sadness comes over me as I sit at my fucking desk, surrounded by paperwork. And all of a sudden it's just like a mule kick and I can't breathe again. And I start crying. It's all right, man. That's how I honor him. He deserves that. He deserves a sad ass moment. He deserves a tear covered face. He deserves a sad heart. He deserves all of that. Because he was, he was my big brother, man. And he deserves that. Period. And, you know, I never laughed harder than I laughed with Gary. And every now and then I get this fucking laugh and, uh, I just know he's, he's just fucking with me. I know it. I know it. I feel it. You know, we used to, I don't know about you guys, man, but do you have siblings? Do you both have siblings? Yes. Can you telepathically communicate with your siblings? I don't talk to half of mine. That's a whole nother podcast. I have to air that in another fucking country. I'm really close with my sister, but I would say we used to be more that way. Yeah. So like Gary and I would walk into my mom's house and we'd just connect. And I knew what he was thinking and I knew what he knew what I was thinking, and we'd fuck with people just to fuck with people because it would piss off my mind she'd crack us and it would make it even funnier. We just, we just existed like that we didn't even have to speak and Every now and then I'll be walking through my house and he'll hit me there. He'll hit me there. Like, let's go fuck with mom. And I just laugh at my Beck's like, babe, you okay? I'm like, Oh yeah, I'm good. Um, I'm amazing. And Gary deserves that, you know, God damn it. It sucks that he's gone. It'll never not suck that he's gone ever, ever, ever. Right. And I feel that way about my, my dad. Who I had a shitty relationship with most of my life. I feel that way about him too, you know, but it is what it is. I don't have to sit in that shit. I can go out. You guys are doing it. You're a beautiful example of putting out there what can happen when you just, you know, talk about the hard shit. You don't have to solve it. It's not truly not your responsibility. You know, the fact that that 12 years later, you still got those feelings, you know, um, your brother deserves that too. Definitely bless you so much for putting it out there. Meg was the one to plant the seed in my head. Cause my brother, his spirit brought us together, Meg and I. I don't know, four ish years ago, and I don't know how long it was early on in our friendship. She's just like, you should do a podcast. And I was like, Oh my gosh, no way. And then I don't know, a couple of years go by. And I said, all right, if I do it, you have to do it with me. She's like, fuck. Yeah. Okay. Let's do it. So yeah, I'm, I'm here to support her. No, I'm here for myself. Yeah. I am trying to do everything that I always tell told myself that I wouldn't do. Mm-Hmm. because I'm trying to break down the barriers of the person that I pro programmed myself to be, or I was programmed to be, oh, I, I don't do public speaking, or I don't do this. Well, now I'm doing the things that I always said that I wouldn't do or that I couldn't do. Yeah. I'm just breaking down barriers and comfort zones and squashing fears and stretching and growing. Yeah. And contributing. And yeah, it's really, I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to heal the fuck out of myself and I'm still dealing with trauma. Um, like I know you talked about, um, forgiving your father and. I was really, my father passed about 10 years ago and we had a very awkward, um, not close relationship. Um, there was, he had lived about, he lived in Tinley park and we lived in Chalmers. My dad wanted to move far away from us, but anyways, um, through years of having a relationship, not having a relationship, um, my dad ended up passing away. Well, I'm not sure if you're familiar with Dolores cannon. She's a past life regressionist hypnosis, but she's now passed, but she's got amazing books. Check her out. But she, I was reading and listening to stuff that she was saying, and she had mentioned that the people don't have to be here anymore for you to forgive them. And I feel like that was really when I really was able to look at my father and look at him as. A person, a child, a human being, a baby, like a product of his family. And I started to really look deep into that and I finally was able to forgive him for not being the father that I needed him to be and that my siblings needed him to be. And I have the life that I have now because he's gone. He was able to provide for me in certain ways. I truly feel that my dad served his purpose the best that he could. In here. And I, I truly believe that him being gone, this sounds so fucking crazy, but I truly believe that he had to die when he died in order to provide me the life that I have, if that makes sense. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, it does. So I'm curious, Meg. You said you're dealing with your trauma and stuff. If you could fix one trauma, what would it be? I know I have some trauma of things that have happened to me, not knowing what was done or happened to me. So that's kind of a journey that I'm going down, things that I know that I've blocked out. But trauma, I think I would really just, I don't know. That's a great question. Yeah. I don't. Can you, like, as an outsider, I don't Well, I don't know if there's any, it's not like one specific trauma. It's just also everything that's happened has brought you to where you are. So is there fixing? I don't know. No, I'm just trying to maybe just trying to forgive myself really. And I'm still in the process of that. Maybe that's it. Yeah. I'm just really trying to forgive myself. Like you said, you were, you could have been a better son. I could have been a better daughter. I was very, very, very, very terrible to my mother. Very. My mom would, um, leave the house for work and if I was a very high energy, temper tantrum kid and teenager, my mom would leave and if I was angry, I would tell her, hope you fucking die, get in a car accident on your way to work. And I got so comfortable saying that. And I would do terrible things, I would destroy her home, I'd punch holes, and And I've had open conversations and my mom and I have an amazing relationship. We always have, but, um, I'm just still working on forgiving myself. I've been forgiven by my mom, but it's just still kind of going through the motion and reliving those past memories. And it kind of comes up and yeah, take a responsibility. I mean, taking responsibility is also on the path to forgiving yourself. Well, I agree with you. I don't think I can ever do enough right to balance out the wrong, but that's not forgiveness. It isn't about the scales of justice or injustice. Right. For me, it's not, you know, and I'm also, if the people that I've harmed the most have found it possible to forgive me for the damage that I've done to them, staying small or in shame. Isn't really the place that they would want me to be. So I kind of have to accept their forgiveness, Becky's forgiveness, all of the kids forgiveness, my mom's forgiveness, my stepdad's forgiveness, my friend's forgiveness. There's a level of responsibility that comes over me when I accept their response, when I accept their forgiveness and I can explain exactly why I did all this shit I did. And I understand it. And I, I recognize the value in self forgiveness, and I think it's very important for me to forgive myself. Um, but, and there's the word, I'll scratch but and I'll put an and, it has been extraordinarily difficult for me to forgive just thinking about it. So what I've done, for whatever it's worth, is I've taken a look at that 20 year old me, and that 30 year old me, and that 40 year old me, and that 50 year old me. And I go, dude. I forgive you because I can look at that person because that person is not the person I am today. Every single one of them all along the way, they're all different. Every single one of them and I can look at them lovingly and I can say, I forgive you. I'm so glad you're still here so that I can forgive you. But I really had to be vocal about it. You know, I get it. It's not easy and you'll get there. You know, if that's what you want, then speak it and it will be because the thing is this. You are what you say you are. If you speak it about yourself, it's either true today or it's going to be tomorrow. I don't care what it is. So if you are a forgiver of self and you speak, I am a forgiver of myself, then you know what? You're going to be a forgiver of self. Cause what you say will be, if it isn't true now, it will be, and it works the other way too. If you say shitty stuff about yourself that happens too, but you know what, speak that good stuff. Oh yeah. I've gone down that deep dark pattern of very, very self deprecating everything. My subconscious really hates the fuck out of me. You know what it's, it's, I think it's a lot about protecting ourselves too. Yeah. Because if I'm the piece of shit, if I say I'm a piece of shit and you say I'm a piece of shit, big deal. I know I'm a piece of shit. Yeah. But if I say I am, I am loving and I am kind and I am forgiven and I am worthy and I am capable and I am all of these things. And someone comes at me with, you're a piece of shit. Then I just kind of tilt my head and go, that's interesting that you think that I just keep going. It's amazing. Be good to yourself, Meg. I love it. I, Hey, I, I love myself. I am a girl. Hell yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Very proud of who I've become. Yes. So what do you guys do? Like you do a podcast? Are you like, do you have like, are you millionaires or? Yes, we are. We're abundance heirs. I love that. So we're business partners. Um, we both have our own things and then we have our thing together. Meg, you own, she owns a bar at the neighborhood in, in Hoffman Estates. And then I've been a dental hygienist for a bajillion years. Um, and then I'm a fitness teacher. I, Vicki and I were students and then I became a teacher. We're health and wellness consultants together. And yeah, we have this podcast, so we're just, we're on the mission to empower people to flourish. I love it, man. Well, thank you guys so much. Thank you, Mike. This was absolutely heartwarming of all the vulnerable spots were spot on. Appreciate you. Yeah. Yeah. You've hit some levels that. I really need it. Same. Yeah. Well, this definitely shouldn't be the last time we chat. Agreed. No, I mean, I'd love to buy you a meal at my bar. Won't be letting you do any lines of Coke in the bathroom or What the fuck? It is a one stall bathroom. Damn it. No. Plenty of room. Oh, man. Well, thank you guys so very much. I appreciate it. You know, you can I'll shoot me over your information so I can get you a couple of signed copies, please. And how can people find your book? How can people connect with you? They can find my book on Amazon. It's there. Uh, the title again is it is what it is, but it doesn't have to stay that way. Couldn't keep it short, you know, God forbid. It's great. I love it. Uh, yeah, that's the title. They can find it on Amazon or you can find it direct. Uh, my consultancy company is called Invent Results and you can go to inventresults. com and click on the little thing and it'll shoot me an email saying I want a signed copy and then I sign it and it comes to you. And then, of course, you can follow me on Facebook. Um, I show up at book signings. And the best thing about a book signing is just talking to people, listening to them, really. That's, that's the best part. And I feel like I've talked way too much. So, I gotta get to listening to you guys. We are, we are happy. and grateful and appreciative of getting to hear your story and be able to be here to highlight you and all that you're doing and giving back to the universe. It's, it's evident. It's a beautiful story. The dark and the light. It's good to be on this side. Sure. it is so cool. so much. We'll talk again. All right. Be great. Thank you. You as well. Thank you. Bye bye. Bye. If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you either just appreciate our messy, awkward life experiences, or you're truly up for finding more magic in your life like we are. Definitely tune in every Sunday for more reality shifts that we explore between us and with many special guests that join. If you feel it, please subscribe so you don't miss your seat on our magical earth school bus. Your experience with this show really means a lot to us. So we want to genuinely welcome you to leave an honest review. Your voice matters exactly how it is. You can follow us on social media, check the show notes, and if you really want to get in the action, send us a message directly through our email. We'll connect with you next week.