Episode 11 - The Softening with Kristin Weinberg

We are Grateful to be back and plugging in to your soul waves through The Magical Midlife Crisis Podcast! Another couple of dots connected in this episode by another friend - Shannon! Woot woot! Who introduced us to Kristin Weinberg.

We connected with Kristin, and she shared her reflections on past experiences and challenges that inspired her to move toward the power of vulnerability, femininity, and creative expression. This episode is a profound exploration of resilience & healing. Kristin's highlights:

• her background, her interests and her struggles
• the magical moment she found her husband
• the journey to starting a family, struggles with infertility
• the magical story on her dreams about her adopted son before he was born
• how she started seeing a chiropractor to help deal with shoulder pain, which in turn helped release trauma, her learning of trauma being stored in the body, particularly in women
• stepping into her feminine power.
• how she started creating art again…photography, dance, play in the middle of living
• manifesting of her women portraiture exhibit & podcast called The Softening

Huge hugs & appreciation for Kristin's willingness to use her voice & put words to the feelings and experiences throughout her life - to seeing the light on the other side of the darkness. It was special to get to sit with you and hear/view the world from your lenses.

Find & connect with Kristin on instagram @kristinweinberg28 

Want to have your own discovery on how the mind & body are interconnected? And learn how food can lead to a more sustainable & vibrant life? --> *** Click here to learn more and/or message us on the 30 Days to Healthier Living! *** <--

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Tune in to you next time!

Want to have your own discovery on how the mind & body are interconnected? And learn how food can lead to a more sustainable & vibrant life? --> *** Click here to learn more and/or message us on the 30 Days to Healthier Living! *** <--

Directly connect with Meg: @meg.itate.8itch
Directly connect with Court: @coco.compassion
Connect to us both: themagicalmidlifecrisis@gmail.com --- Write to us! We'd love to learn about a magical midlife crisis story of your own or someone you know!

Transcript

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Court and Meg here with the Magical Midlife Crisis. This podcast is intended to inspire and support you on your personal journey towards feeling more magic. Breathe, press play, expect real and raw stories and shifts. Come back with your own stories, shifts, and magical light moments through your darkness in your life. Once we pinpoint The mind to search for the magic, the magic will show up. It's just a matter of time. It could be at any moment in the middle of this magical ride we call life. Enjoying this episode. Grab your seat every Sunday. Expect magic. so anybody out there who's going through that, get help for your mind, don't just internalize it because it will come back and bite you in the ass. Um, I had kept so much rigidity in my body and refused to acknowledge it. And I was working out and I injured my shoulder and I started seeing a chiropractor and he adjusted my hips, which I don't know if you guys are familiar much with like. Somatic healing, but I had no fucking clue, but he adjusted my hips and I like went out to my car and started sobbing and I was like, what's wrong with me? Why is this happening? And like, out of nowhere, my sex drive came back and I started, I picked up my camera again for the first time in two years and started making photography, which is kind of like what I'm, I'll get there. Yeah. What Um, I started creating again. I started dancing again. Hey, hey, magical humans, it's Quirt. Okay. So January is coming and we're very excited every January for the last five years. three for me court. Okay. Yeah. For the last handful of years, we have started January with a food mood program called the 30 days to healthier living. Okay. And we've done it in all different sizes of groups. So this offer is for you and how do you qualify? Um, we're going to give you a backstory on who we were before we started our 30 days, our magical 30 days. So. Maggie, you go first. Okay, so I was living a lifestyle of unhealthy choices, which led me to being 36 and riddled with constant days of joint pain, brain fog, and migraines. My life was extremely unsustainable. The pain I was secretly embodying was literally consuming my mental health in the darkest of dark. so long, I never connected the dots that food creates your mood. Never knew that. I was literally so fed up, tired of being tired. It was time to put change in action. So I started my journey to a healthier me. Why? Because I no longer wanted to do the following, be a product of the healthcare system. Tell my son, I can't play with you. I have a headache. It got real old. I'll tell you, starting fights with my loved ones because I was in such a dark mental state and always on the defense, not wanting to go places. Cause I was so inflamed and wanted to crawl out of my skin. It was awful adapting healthier choices in my day to day life. I now have the energy to be the best version of myself with confidence and love from the inside out. How about you, Court? I was 34, and I had been smoking cigarettes for 17 years. Uh, I drank wine pretty much every night. I was a TV aholic. I thought I was eating healthy with canned soup and wheat bread sandwiches with veggie meat slices. And had no sense of what I was truly doing to my physical or mental health. So, after my brother died, I wanted to change. I had to tell myself the truth and the truth was, I was choosing to not live a life of health. And it wasn't a size or a weight or an outfit that to change. It was the pain in my body that I was going through. And every day it felt like my body was screaming and throwing red flags at me to change. Like I was heavily addicted to sugar. I would reward myself with whatever sweet treats were hanging out in the dental office. I relied on coffee like three to four cups a day. I had constant gas and bloating and constipation that my gastro doctors told me was hereditary IBS. I had migraines almost every week. I had back acne, back knee, if you know what I'm talking about. I was always irritable, had acid reflux, post nasal drip, I had that weird tightness feeling in my legs I talked about on another episode, and the most extreme moments of insecurity, worry, and anxiety that I always talked about as tornado thoughts. So, for us, we started tweaking meals, getting clean protein in, we learned how gut health works and how it matters, but most of all, We found the community and support that would love us when we struggle to love ourselves. Like when we didn't, quote, feel like it, or we were so busy, or we were always exhausted. Those are the words we would all use, and I know you probably have said them too. So accountability, cleaner food swaps, and the 80 20 lifestyle was the vehicle. That changed the game for us today. We can't believe how healthier food choices have changed what we see on the outside, but on the inside, we feel like our truest, most beautiful selves. So if you want to jump on board our magical 30 days to healthier living train. On January 8th, 2024, click on the link in our show notes to sign up or send us questions or message for a consult with us, Megan Kort. Choo choo. Choo choo. Welcome back magical humans. We are, um, the magical midlife crisis podcast. I am court and I'm Meg, and we have a very special guest joining us today. Uh, her name, I know her first name, Kristen, and I have a feeling I know her last name because it popped up on zoom, but I'll let her introduce herself. So Kristen was introduced to me by a very, very dear friend. One of my longest standing friends, um, which I don't have a lot of longstanding friends, which has everything to do with the way that I am right now and what I'm learning about myself. Um, Shannon, shout out to Shannon, she has been my friend since I moved in with my first boyfriend and, living next to each other. So we had to be friends. We had stayed friends for multiple years. Then she moved. I can't remember her first move. Everything's fuzzy in those basically stoners years of my life. Um, but we reconnected a handful of years ago and had some really awesome, deep conversations as always did, but we were like sober and it was awesome. Uh, so we have stayed awesome friends, um, on the healthy living train. And she started, she's like probably one of our top listeners. She's such an awesome support. Um, and she, she said, I, you need to know my friend, Kristen, she lives in Chicago and. She has a magical story that needs to be heard. So I'm like, hook it up. And so Kristen and I have texted a few times back and forth. And then she's just so awesome. Cause I'm like, can you talk tomorrow? And she's like, absolutely. And so here we are, here we are, Kristen. I'm so, so grateful that. We are connected and I am just so excited to hear more from you. So please share us, share with us who you are and, and then tell us your magical midlife story. Hi. Hi. Fellow Rageaholic. Um, that was your Episode where she like talked about who she was when she was young. I was like, I must reach out. That is very much me. So not alone sister. Yeah. Um, yeah. So hi. So, and of course you're one of Shannon's golden girls. She like speaks so highly of you and she is an angel here on earth. She really is. Yeah. And when she told me that you were trying to get her to move back to Chicago, I'm like, I need to, I need to gather the troops and join your army, get her to move back here because it's been so long. Okay. Well, uh, first of all, I'm like sweating from like every pore of my body right now. Um, cause I've never done anything like this before. So. Whatever. Let's, let's just get into it. Um, and I wanted to say, um, hi, sorry. Of course, my husband wants to call right in the middle, right in the middle. Classic. Um, anyways, I am, um, I'm a person who believes first and foremost, so deeply in the power of vulnerability. And so I think that what the two of you are doing. is amazing and I'm really, really grateful, um, to have other women invite me into their space and allow me to tell my story alongside of your two. Your two beautiful stories and for just like having a space to, um, connect and share. And because I really do think vulnerability is a superpower. Um, and we're all kind of scared to tap into it because you don't know what's going to happen when you do. Um, I am a mother. I am a sister. I'm a wife. I am, uh, a friend. I'm an aunt. I'm a photographer, a creator. I'm an artist. I'm a dancer. Um, and I am like very anxious just saying all of those things about myself. So, um, Yeah, I, uh, I think, does that answer your question? I am, and I am insanely ADHD and anxious and suspect that I am autistic. Like, I've got all of the neuro spiciness going on. And so my brain is like rapid fire at all times. So, um, if you ever need to just like, Oh, tether me back in and be like, let's come back to what we were talking about. Please, by all means do, because I need it. Okay, happy to do that because we do that for each other constantly. So yeah. Thank you. Um, so tell me how you and Shannon know each other. Okay. Well, we've been girlyhood girlfriends since like third grade. Well, I moved to Mount Zion in second grade and Shannon was in my class. Um, and we've just been friends ever since I had, um, Some things go on, which I'll tell you about, um, in my teenage years, where I kind of felt like I was really alone and Shannon and I had kind of lost touch, um, never, not really ever lost touch, we were always friends throughout school and high school, but then it was that year after high school, some shit went down in my life and I felt very alone and her and then Small group of other girls that came to my side, no questions asked. And it's kind of been like that way ever since, um, angels, angels, angels. And it's also just that the power of women and, um, what can happen when. Women are able to be vulnerable with each other and step in and be there for each other. I need to, like, get my mind right right now because I'm feeling so nervous. Oh. I feel like I'm not saying what I want to say and I'm tripping over my words, so. It's funny because, like, when Meg and I listen back to episodes, I think all the time, like, man, I didn't say enough about this or that, but it's like when you're in the, the, the nervousness, the fight or flight system is just, it's, it's what runs. So then like all the deepest stuff that you know, really, really wants to surface sometimes just sits there just ready to, to be like tapped into, like you were talking about before about like. The tapping into vulnerability. So it's funny. Cause like, even though we still get together every week and we, we record, like the nerves are still there, but it's just. I mean, it's the practice of getting into that state and then, and then I try to just pretend I'm having a conversation. Obviously we're having a conversation, but I try to just leave out the fact that people are listening. It's recorded. And like, yeah, I try not to focus on that because I'm not like it's extremely nervous and like whatever. And I'm just like. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Okay. All right. Yeah, just hit your fuck button. And I like that button. Hit your fucking button. I like that. Ooh, I that, I need to make that a pin. The fuck it button. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm going to boop. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, that's how I know Shannon. She's um, my soul sister. She's one of my soulmates. Um, she's a ride or die bitch. Like, I fucking love her so much. Yep. She is that. She's that consistent person. Like her, she is an old soul. And, and I really didn't know what that meant when I first met her, but I just felt that energy in her. And then, I mean, as I learned more as I, as my soul matured, I'm like, Oh, now I get who she is. Right. Right. To get her even more than I already did. Right. Yeah. And I also like the term soulmate. I use that so selectively because I, I do very, very deeply believe in soulmates. Um, and so to have somebody you connect with. On a true soul level is really, really special and especially like, yeah, um, yeah, female friendships are so, so special, especially late in life. Female friendships, I feel like they're hard to come by, especially when you like start over a thousand times, like you, when you have it, like. Put your hooks in and like, don't let them go type of thing. So yeah. Okay. Well, do you want me to tell you my magic story? Because like, I've never, I've always been like obsessed with, um, witchcraft and witches and magic. And, um, I've always believed in something more than what. We see here. Um, but I never really thought about it. I was always just kind of like, yeah, no, I, that's cool. Magic is fun. Witches are amazing. Um, the term manifestation started coming around like two years ago and I was like, all right, well, Cool, then I can make whatever I want happen. Let's do it. Um, but then I started like reflecting on things in my life that I was like, holy shit. No, I've been like manifesting my entire fucking life. Um, I've had like flashes in my life that have become reality unbeknownst to me. And, um, I'll start by telling you that I was the most girly girl, little girl that there ever was. I loved Barbies. I loved dolls. I loved playing house. I loved pink. I loved girls. I love my fucking mom. Like I've always been a girl magnet. Um, And then I got into my, um, adolescent teenhood, and that's when, you know, girls, I think you both grew up in, like, the 90s, early 2000s. And, like, girlhood kind of got dark in that space. Uh, we all kind of, and I say all in, like, um, a collective manner. I know that my story does not reflect everybody's story, but for the sake of what we're talking about. I think it's pretty common knowledge in popular, like in, in recent times to acknowledge that girls were pitted against each other and we were thought to be each other's enemies. And, um, You were always watching your back. You were always like, if you were vulnerable, if you opened up to certain people, it was a very scary thing. And I am not claiming innocence because I was nasty too. It was like dog eat dog type of shit. Um, and that will fuck with your brain big time. I was also the youngest of three girls. So I, in a very small town. Um, and so it was just this constant narrative of like. You're too fat. You're not very smart. You're not as pretty as your sisters. You're not as talented as your sisters. You, you're not this, you're not that. It was a lot of I'm not anything and anyone, and it really messed with my mental health. Um, and at the time I had undiagnosed ADHD. I didn't get diagnosed with that until I think it was like 18 or 19, maybe even 20. I don't know, but it was, um, diagnosed as anxiety and depression, which is so common, I think everybody has a little healthy dose of that, but I would come home from school and I think Meg may have talked about this when she kind of introduced herself, she. Come home from school and just like go to a room and sleep for hours. Did you talk about that or am I making that up? I would, when I was very little, I would have temper tantrums. Oh my God. Yes. I would have like fit spells and then I would get so exhausted because I, I hold on very strong energy and even as a little girl and my mom would say I would tear my room apart and then I sleep. Yep. Yep. I mean. At the time, my parents, like, didn't know really what else to do, and, like, gentle parenting wasn't a thing then, and they would kind of, like, laugh it off, like, I have this highly sensitive daughter, but, like, there were these pictures of me just, like, screaming, wailing with the craziest temper tantrums you have, like, ever seen. And I would do the same thing, I remember getting a really bad, it wasn't that bad, but, like, a bad haircut in seventh grade, and I came home, and, like, Through a brush into my bathroom wall and like screaming and like pounding on the walls, ripping my hair out. It was like this super intense anger in my body because I thought I looked stupid. But you don't know how to release it. You're trying to release all those emotions and it's like, yeah, I have to get like angry. Yes. Yeah. And it's not just that one incident. It was. So many other things that were never managed before because we didn't know how and nobody supported us in the way that we needed to release it. Yeah. Um, so yeah, my, my teenage years were, were like, they were sad. They were, I didn't have the fun high school experience. I had a really dark high school experience. It was just steeped in sadness. And, um, constantly looking over my shoulder like wondering what was being said about me. I was bullied by some dickhead boys. They were little boys who didn't understand what was going on, but I can still remember the things they said about me. And like To that, it's like, well, God, they really did do some damage. Like if you're still able to sit with that and remember what you were wearing, the exact words they said and the way they sounded when they laughed, like that had an impact and, um, clearly still does. Um, but so anyways, um, I ended up getting in a really, um. A really shitty relationship with at, at like 1819 with somebody who really took advantage of my vulnerability and my, um, my softness, my femininity, um, my um, na nativity. Um, very naive. I wanted so badly to love this person and I really wanted him to love me too. And I think that at that age, it's such a like, Oh, you want, you want true love. You want your, and it wasn't even like Prince Charming. He was kind of like a bad boy. And I thought that was so cool. And I thought like, Oh, he, you know, so I gave so much of. My energy to him of my love and devotion and just a lot of my preciousness that you have in that time of your life and I was met with gaslighting and betrayal and, um, A really broken heart that, um, led to me attempting suicide and living in a place of just absolute blackness for a really long time. And it was something that at the time I wanted to sweep under the rug because I was like, Oh, you silly little girl. Like you, you know, like, yeah, he was a, he was a boy. That's It's not important. And like, toughen up. Don't, don't think too much about it. And, and honestly, at that time I was met by so much criticism. Like, I can't believe she would try to do that. She's only doing that for attention. Um, I lost all of my friends. That's when my twin Shannon came back into my life without any questions asked. Um, and I learned a lot in that very brief period about what friendship looks like. I learned a lot about what love actually looks like and um, what I really wanted to manifest, manifest in a partner for the future. But that all happened. I didn't get therapy. I didn't even journal, but I did drink. And I did just like wild out for like four years. And I thought of it as just, I'm carefree. I'm, I'm a free spirit. I'm just having fun. And, um, admittedly, a lot of it was really fun. Um, but a lot of it was really taxing on my body and on my soul and on my mental health. Um, and I remember thinking in like the darkest hours, I will never be with somebody who lies to me like that ever again. The next person I'm with will have kind eyes. The next person I'm with will make me laugh. And four years later, my sister was working at a restaurant here in Chicago, and she set me up on a blind date with the guy that she bartended with. This is not my husband. So that's not where we're going with a dude that was like, not my type at all. It was the most awkward night ever. But once I went in there like a couple days later, just because I was like, okay, he wanted me to come in and say hi. So I did. And I saw who is now my husband barbacking with my sister and I was like, why didn't she set me up with him? Um And then fast forward, like five months later, I started working at this same restaurant. I took my sister's job. She went to go to nursing school and my trainer there was who is now my husband. And I'm telling you, I like, I tell everybody else, this is my wedding vows. And I've told him this, like, since I was comfortable enough to tell him this. The second I looked at his eyes, I was like, I'm marrying this person. Like it wasn't even like love at first sight. Cause I didn't love him. I didn't know him, but it was a very, like, I know that this person is supposed to be in my life. And, um, and maybe it was manifestation or maybe it was manipulation. I don't know, but we're married now. So, um, he's. Yeah, he's kind of my rock. I, I. We laugh because I'm so all over the place and space and he is the most grounded soul you will ever meet. And so I kind of call him my tether. He lets me, um, float around and do what I need to do, but he keeps me grounded and in a place of beautiful reality. So, um, that's a little bit of magic for you, but what, what really starts to get, um, fun. Fun is, um, we dated and we got married and we decided when we decided we were ready to have children or to start a family. Cause that's, we kind of like, we're like, I don't know, do we want to kids are a lot. Um, but we decided we wanted to, and I had always said I thought adopt and he did too, where we always thought adoption was beautiful. Um, and cool. And like, so. I don't know, it's, it has always called to me. I used to have, my Barbies were never Pregnant. They always adopted their children and like, um, yeah. Um, so, and I don't think he ever really like thought of it. I think he was just like, yeah, that sounds like a good time. Let's do it. Like it's G. I. Joe's weren't adopting. Oh, they were, they were, um, well, maybe actually, I don't know. I'll ask him, but, um, I, so when it came time to like, grow our family, the least expensive option is natural conception and, um, my body said, absolutely not. Like we tried and we tried and it never happened. So we started working with a fertility specialist, um, and we worked with him for about a year doing, um, uh, what's it called? IVF? No, it's um, artificial, artificial insemination, basically like the turkey baster, like they extract semen from the male and it, spin it out and insert it into women. It's kind of like the step before IBF and it never, it never worked. I like my body went through hell. I took all the hormones, did all the shots. I shit my pants in Kroger one time because of this. It was, oh yeah, oh yeah. And abandoning a full carton Kroger is like, damn it, you know, but you got to do it. You know, I didn't want to like think up the line, but um, yeah, it was that, that, those kinds of situations. We're kind of like a natural occurrence. I lived on the couch just like constantly questioning, like, why is this not working for me? Why won't my body fucking do this? And I'm bawling my eyes out to my sisters and to my mom, like, I don't understand. I'm doing everything right. This is not. You know, and infertility is not something that ever ran in our family. Nobody has ever had a hard time in my family conceiving. And I remember when we first started trying, I said to my sister, I said, I'm going to, I'm not going to be able to do this. I there's something inside of me telling me that this isn't going to work for me. I'm going to have struggles. And she was like, Oh, don't say that. Like that's it's not prevalent in our family. You'll be fine. You're healthy. You're young. You have no reason to believe that. You won't be able to get pregnant and she was wrong. Like I could not get pregnant and it could have been like a mind over matter thing where I was like so adamant like that it wasn't going to work. But it got very experimental. It got very scientific. And I lost every shed of femininity that I had. Like sex became. A chore. It became a sterile, like, lich. Um, and I, like, hated myself. I hated the way that I looked. I hated the way that I thought. I hated every fucking girl around me who was pregnant. And it was, like, a very, very dark place to be. Um, And when our specialist asked us if we want, he said, you know, we've been doing this for like a year now and it's not working. Do you want to try IVF? And I don't know if you guys are familiar with IVF or have had anybody in your circle have to go through it, but It's so taxing on your body and it is so, the struggle with infertility in general is so taxing on your mental health and your spirit. There were, it was honestly like, I, there would be times when I was like, I just want the test to be negative because if it's positive and I can't, and the baby doesn't stay, I'm going to die. Like I, I cannot keep doing this. It's like, Let me ask you a question. With IVF too. And if you get pregnant and lose a baby, you still have to pay for everything too, right? Everything. And it's, and it's so expensive, wildly expensive insurance doesn't cover it. Right. And they, some insurances will cover a certain percentage, but they're not, I mean, no, we had excellent coverage. And when we did the math, it was like, Oh my God, it was infertility is becoming a business. It's huge. Oh, yes. And, I mean, I could go off on a side street here, but the lack of natural remedy offered is frightening. Like, I was never offered, like, the, the, the, the diet and nutrition stuff offered to me was, um, eat lean meat, don't eat a bunch of carbs, don't eat white rice. Um, and like, don't drink soda. Like it wasn't very basic, very basic and like, wait, acupuncture and chiropractic care. And um, just that was, or wasn't offered never, never, like there was no whole, like very little holistic and I get it in this grand scheme of things that the specialist we work with was. It's an angel. I loved him. I know he was doing his best, but he was also seeing dozens of other women every day. And he was also probably a lot more successful with these other women and like success breeds success and when you're not successful, you know, you kind of don't, you kind of slip under the radar a little bit. Yeah. So when IVF was suggested to us. I was like, okay, let's go. And my husband was like, I, we need to like talk about this. You, I want you to like, think about what's going on in your head right now. I want you to feel inside your body. I had become so body blind. Like I just put every, everything on mute and put my blinders on and was like, if I, if it wasn't extreme, I didn't feel it. And, um, He was like, I miss you and I miss who you were and who you are and you've, you've, you're in a really dark place right now and I want you back and. It was that that kind of made me be like, okay, there he was like, you will be a mother no matter what you're going to be a mother. Um, but you doesn't have to be from your own body. And I was like, you're absolutely right. I don't know why I'm holding onto this notion so tightly. Like it's not, it's, I was never attached to the idea of being pregnant, but so anyways, we started the adoption process. Um, But meanwhile, like starting in 2016, when we started trying to get pregnant, naturally, um, I started having these dreams about what we lived in Cincinnati, and I started dreaming about walking around our neighborhood with a little boy with red hair. And for the longest time, I wrote it off as it was my grandmother who had passed away. I was thinking about my grandmother. She was in my head. She was in my dreams and that was her way of visiting me. Um, and then fast forward to the Dave. We met my son's birth mom and she has red hair and ice blue eyes. And it was like, holy shit, like if this child comes out with red hair, he's been with me this whole fucking time. And, and he did and he does. He has red hair and I've literally been dreaming about my son since Before his physical appearance on earth was ever even, oh my, dreamt about. That's so cool. Yeah. So that those are, that's, those are kind of like the, um, like the, like the magic y things that have happened for me. Um, Wow. How old is your son now? He's four. He just turned four in November. He's a little Scorpio King and he is like, the Scorpio King. Are you guys astrology people? Kind of. We're wannabes. Yeah, we're wannabes. We're Sagittariuses, so. Oh, well, happy Sag season! Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. Yeah, we both just had our birthdays and, uh, Okay. Yeah. Your, your story kind of reminds me of like the story about you and your son a little bit. Yeah. Tell me, can I know? Yeah. Um, my son's not my biological son. Um, I met his dad when I was like 27. Oh, you do the miscarriage one? Yeah. Oh, okay. So. Mason that I'm raising. He was born in 2011, and I wasn't even with his father when he was born, but I was pregnant. I didn't even know his dad at the time, but I was pregnant at the same time that Mason's mom was pregnant and I had a miscarriage and I ended up meeting his Joel, which is Mason's dad. And, um. We ended up meeting, we were friends, we started dating, and he had a little boy. And come to find out, he was born the same month within the same week that my due date was. And I've just had this very strong connection to him. It's like, it's unreal. She sees it. And it's like, it's bizarre. Like I literally feel like he's my child. So he's 12 now. So I was feeling a little, you know, like he's ready to hear the story. And I told him the story and I'm like, Oh, I'm like, I was actually pregnant at the same time. I would have had a baby when you were born. And, um, and he goes, well, what happened? I go, well, I had a miscarriage and I explained to him what a miscarriage is. And, um, he goes, whoa, do you think I'm that baby? So he, yeah, he thinks he's the same soul that like, I was like, you know what, Mason, the universe works in crazy ways. All I know is the universe wanted me and your dad, the three of us to be together. Like we went through a lot of like. Outside noise and a lot of little things in our relationship, but it's like he was my, his dad is my soulmate. Like the second I laid eyes on him, my heart sank so deep. And I was like, fuck, is this guy hot? Well, he was like an old man. He's old. He's 17 years older than me. But I was like, oh my God, I need to have this man in my life. And then we were talking and like, I'd stop by his restaurant and Mason was not even like one yet. And I remember holding him, me and Joel weren't even like communicating. I would just go to his restaurant because I would hope to run into him. Yeah. Oh, here you want to hold my kid Mason. And here I am at his bar, like holding this baby. And I'm like, Oh my God, this is so weird. And here I am 10 years later, raising the kid. Yeah. Like still holding him. Yeah. So I just, I love it. Like, yeah. Parts of your story made me think of her when you said, when you saw your husband's eyes, I thought I'm like, I don't hear those kinds of stories very often. And when Meg told me that story about her seeing her partner before he, before they even knew each other and she, I was like, wow, I, I haven't heard that. And then when you're talking about your baby. Like, she told me this story and I'm like, wow, I've never heard anything like that. It's amazing. I don't believe in coincidences. I really, I don't. I believe that the universe is set up the way it's supposed to be and you know, and we're just allowed a lot of it to happen. It's the resistance. When you were feeling everything that you were feeling, going through all your treatments, going through everything, and just feeling so dark, defeated, like, would you call that, like, a form of resistance within you? Oh my god. Yeah. I mean, I, I also, I feel like when you're going through those things, We're so conditioned to be tough and to like, Oh, it's okay. There's always next month or, um, Oh, it's okay. I was being immature or it's okay. You know, like making excuses for yourself and you just like bury and bury and bury trauma in your body. And I'm actually going to expand on this a little more. Um, I had so much. Resistance or like trauma or rage, anger, sadness, just like bone deep. And I, I feel like I got to a point where I injured my shoulder and I had to go see a chiropractor because my shoulder wasn't so much pain. I needed physical therapy and, um, about, and this was only like two years ago. Um, I like injured myself doing like a workout. And this is, I'd never saw any type of. Therapy or, um, outside health after going through infertility and the adoption process, like it's, it's all pretty grueling. And, um, so anybody out there who's going through that, get help for your mind, don't just internalize it because it will come back and bite you in the ass. Um, I had kept so much rigidity in my body and refused to acknowledge it. And I was working out and I injured my shoulder and I started seeing a chiropractor and he adjusted my hips, which I don't know if you guys are familiar much with like. Somatic healing, but I had no fucking clue, but he adjusted my hips and I like went out to my car and started sobbing and I was like, what's wrong with me? Why is this happening? And like, out of nowhere, my sex drive came back and I started, I picked up my camera again for the first time in two years and started making photography, which is kind of like what I'm, I'll get there. Yeah. What Um, I started creating again. I started dancing again. I, I danced until I was 18. And then I was like, this isn't going to get you anywhere. You're not going to make any money doing this. So stop. And, um, I started dancing again just for shits. And like two years later, I'm still doing it. And I don't know, it was like, they, I had no idea that we store trauma in our bodies specifically in our hips, but Queens. Like, when I tell you, I was shocked and like, I would like call my friends and be like, I don't know what's going on, but like, for the first time I want to have sex again. Or like, what is happening? Why do, why am I attracted to myself out of nowhere? Why do I think like I look good? Why am I like excited to be alive for the first time in like forever? And Then I did more research and like kind of found that we do store trauma in our hips. We store trauma throughout our bodies. And, um, I've never told my chiropractor this, but I'm always like, I wonder if I should tell him that he kind of saved my life. And your husband should thank him. Yeah. I haven't sex again, but I mean, this isn't all, this isn't all to say it's like, Oh, this happened and now everything's great. Like it does take work. And, um, It does take me a lot to get out of my head and, um, into my body. But yeah, that was, that was pretty wild. But, um, what I'm so grateful for, it was, it was such a pivotal moment for me because it was like, um, uh, like a feminine awakening for me for so long. I had. Buried any trace of femininity. I like I said, I hated the way I looked. I was so cruel to my body and angry at it for so long. Um, and I started, like I said, I started feeling pretty again. And I started Doing feminine things like making art and dancing and being playful with my son and being playful with my husband. And it was like I said, like this, I softened into this space that I had so become so hard. Does that make sense? Yeah, totally. Um, you're shedding those layers that like you turned into and you're finding yourself again by doing the things that you love and that bring you passion. Yes. Yeah. And I just think that the world that we live in is so drenched. In patriarchy and, um, the things that the attributes that make women so magical have become frivolous. So creating art and, um, being soft, being tender, being nurturing and compassionate have become weakness. And I was so adamant that I was strong enough to get through it. And I was tough enough to do these things and. After a while, I feel like my body and my spirit were like, Sis, like, come back to us. We're gonna do whatever we can. I'm gonna hurt. We're gonna get a sore shoulder. Like, by whatever means necessary, like, you're gonna come back to who you are if we have to get you hurt in the process. Yeah, I've learned a lot about energy being stuck in the body and I attended this energy clearing course where the instructor talked about emotion being energy in motion and when we stifle or suffer or stop energy from flowing, so those creative, compassionate parts of you that were wanting to come out but you were Strongholding, you were being that warrior to create a life within you by all means necessary. It's like we block it. And so it stays, it stays stuck within us. And especially in females, I mean, there's so much energy created within our, between our hips. Like there's so much that happens there. That's supposed to happen there, and when we block it, like, it is stored, and it does become traumatic for our body. And so, like, all of this that we've been digging into for a handful of years now, it's like, It makes so much sense that when it does become so loud somewhere in your body where it's like, you're not listening here, I'm going to throw it up in your shoulder. I'm going to, I'm going to get you to stop and listen and see. And then like the universe puts somebody in front of you to actually help you. And it felt aligned for you to do it. We went in and they helped move that energy within you. It can be done in so many forms too. And not to say that it's just chiropractic. Cause I'm a huge fan. I wasn't for a long time, but like my massage therapist recommended a chiropractor to me. And we talked about energy being stuck and I'm like, okay, you're speaking my language. Like this is, this feels right. I want to actually be treated by you. But it's just fascinating how we are so connected to our body and yet we're so disconnected to that. Yes. Not to like, obviously look externally and we've, we've talked about this in a few episodes. I look externally for all this validation when really like if we're all taught. in school where I think so much time is wasted for children to learn. Um, but if we're taught to actually connect within and meditate and connect to your soul, like your actual essence within you, because your body ages, your body ages. Your soul matures, your soul actually is born mature and then is stripped from its maturity and becoming immature and then look outside for that wisdom when it's all within, right? And I think that's the path of life and the journey of learning and growing on this, you know, earth school learning lab, whatever you want to call it called earth and us being human and in the human existence, but it's like, It's fascinating when you get to experience what you're talking about with somatic healing and allowing, allowing the energy paths within us, like we're electrical beings, but electricity is being stopped and blocked and we feel terrible because of it. And then we think that we're depressed, malfunctioning, depressed, right? So it's funny, um, my chiropractor, who is not. In like the spiritual realm. He's very much like whatever. And hi, I adore him. I love him. Truly. The reason I continued to go to him was because I thought he was such a nice guy. And I had all of these like coincidences, like his wife's birthday is the day before mine. His wife is a dancer. He and his wife met at the same restaurant group that me and my husband met at. Like, he now lives, like, down the street from me. Like, there were all kind all these just, like, little things that it was like, I'm supposed to be here. I don't have to go see him nearly as often anymore because I feel so much better now. But it was like, when you said the universe puts people in your path to help you, like, I very firmly believe The, that person that he was put in my world to help with so many things outside of my body. Like he was very much like a nice little like life guide for, for me. Yeah. He liked Dr. Haynes. He gave you like the doorway to, yeah, it was like a, like a light switch and sometimes That's just it. You said he was nice. Like he was kind. He was like a good human and so all that it needs to be like, you know, he's not in the spiritual realm. Hey, fine. But he was a good human. Yes. And he like treated me. I feel like, especially going through infertility, I've seen a lot of doctors and I've Been in a lot of different situations where I felt like I was just another cog in the wheel. Like, um, I recently within the past few years, my mental, we had just moved back to Chicago from Cincinnati after the pandemic. I feel like everybody's mental health was struggling then. Um, and I went to see, um, an OBGYN just to have like, like an annual. Lady appointment. And she was like, so how is everything? And I said, well, honestly, I could use some help with my like mental health. I need an increase of my Zoloft. I am like really struggling. And she was like, well, I'm not going to do that until you've been on birth control for three months. And she was like, this sounds hormonal to me. And I was like, I started crying in her office. Like, please don't make me have more hormones in my body. Like, I'm just now recovering from being on birth control and having all the fucked up hormones in my body since I was like 13. I was put on birth control when I was 13, was on and off my whole life. And then just kind of like being so dismissed and my problems and my wellness being written off. So casually was like, I'm done with this system. And I want something that is more holistic and somebody who will listen to me. And actually acknowledge what I'm telling you and not put me on the same regimen that you put the last person on, you know, so that was another thing that I really loved about him. Um, but yeah, so all of this kind of having my junk drawer emptied and getting this creative energy flowing back in my life has just made wild. Leaps and bounds for me personally and physically. Um, I've started one day I was stretching in our guest bedroom and I had what I can only call a cosmic download where it was like, I just felt compelled and like wildly adamant, like something inside of me was like, you need to start. Making portraiture of women that inspire you. Um, and so I got my camera out of hiding and started doing that. And that's kind of what I've been doing ever since. And yeah, so my dream is to like have an exhibit someday. Um, that kind of goes alongside with the podcast that I'm creating. If I can ever, I'm like doing this with you guys right now. And I'm like. Are you serious? Do you really think you're going to be able to do a podcast? Listen to you ramble and get nervous and like chit chat about nothing, but I'm going to do it. It's fine. Yes, you are. That's you. Um, but I I'm calling it the softening and it's all about, um, feminine energy and the gifts that feminine energy can bring to all walks of life to all humanity. I, like I said earlier. We live in a society that's so rigid and so hard and calloused and the gun violence and the body image issues and there's just so much war and pain and it's just It's a lot. It's hard. It's hard on my heart. It's hard on my mind and my spirit. And I look at my baby and I'm like, this is not the world that I want you to grow up in. Like you need a softer place to land. You need a safer space to thrive. And I'm going to do everything I can to give that to him. And I think that key token is feminine energy. I think it's softening. And I think it's letting go of. The tight budgets, and the tight schedules, and the hard bodies, and the thinking hard, and playing hard, and doing hard. Like, everything is so fucking hard. And it makes life really hard. So, I always say, like, the soft, the best things in life are soft. Like, you soften butter for butter. Well, not all things soft are the best. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay. I mean, we do love, okay. I had to go there. You did. And I love that. Well, but that's not, that's not to say it was in that wheelhouse, like. Masculine energy is super sexy and necessary, but like, it's a balance that we need. Like, give me a rock hard dick, but also give me some soft butter for cookies, right? Like, give me a piece of bread that's like super crusty on the outside, but soft on the inside. That's hot. And I can belt butter on it. You guys are super healthy the way that you eat. So you're probably like not on the same red page that I'm on. No, we appreciate we're, we're 80, 20. Okay. Okay. Okay. But yeah, so, uh, that's my, that's kind of like my spiel. I w I just want more balance. I want people to appreciate women. Um, and not necessarily even just women, but people who, who dwell in the feminine, who Who are more flowing, who are more creative. Like we live in such a neurotypical patriarchal society where it's like logic has over read everything. And it's very black and white. Whereas I believe that women and those who identify as feminine kind of play in the gray, like we are in the gradient. And we see, we see in black and we see in white, but we live in gray. And, um, that's inspired this body of. Portrait work that I've been working on, um, of these women that I love and inspire are inspired by. Am inspired by. Um, and just kind of like taking the, my drawing from my darkness and indulging in the contrast of light and dark because. It's not a perfect world. It's never going to be, but I do think there, there is more room for contrast instead of monochrome. I'm starting to be like, I can't make sentences. No. Wow. You know, it's just, there's so much negativity in the world and it's, it's what we're doing is sharing how we can be more compassionate and not focus on all the negativity. And, you know, raising a kid in this world, it's very, very difficult. And I try to just teach him, huh? I said, especially little boys. Oh yeah. Where it's hard for them all day, eight hours at school to sit still. And it's like, it's. Well, and what they see thrown in their face, uh, I would highly recommend you watch the documentary the mask we wear. You heard of this? No, it's kind of A documentary created about how toxic masculinity has become on our culture. And I, I, I like, I, I, this is all tongue in cheek and I like get nervous about saying certain things because I don't want to come across as somebody who hates men. Cause I don't, I love them. And I am surrounded by beautiful examples of what healthy masculinity looks like. And yet. We live in a culture that's just so steeped in the, the hyper aggressive, excessive. Shades of masculinity, like, well, and it's power with now. Oh God. So that's like, that's like a click right there. It's well, and I, I, it's so bred into them. Like Sonny, Sonny will, I've never given him, nobody's ever said, don't cry, toughen up any of that stuff. And he's so just like, it's something within him that when he gets hurt, he'll, unless he's with me, if he's with anyone else, he's like. He doesn't want to show pain, doesn't want to show that he's hurt. And I'm like, where does that come from? Yeah. You know, and is this inherently deep? Were you born that way? Are all little boys born that way? Like, is there? Something generational like change in the DNA, you know, you've heard of these things that are passed down. Yeah, generation to generation without the physical knowing like it. Yeah. Yeah. Or like his past lives, like our past lives can create certain ways that we are even. Yeah, it's interesting though, especially with how conscious you've been. And yet, You've noticed that when you're not, when you, his safe place isn't there, he doesn't feel safe maybe to, yeah, express it. I have one more little magic story for you because, I mean, like, if I've got your ear, I want to bend it. So, um, I was, when I started getting into this like wheelhouse of spirituality and energy work and past lives and old souls and all of the good stuff, I came across an article about, um, how to recognize. yourself in a past life, or like how to know yourself better from a past life. Um, and astrologically speaking, I'm a Scorpio rising and Scorpio rules, um, the hips. It rules, um, it rules what is that? The, uh, reproduction organs. Um, and Yeah, so there's that, but also I read that, um, if you die during childbirth in the past life, you'll often have a birthmark on your stomach. And I have a birthmark on my stomach. And this was something that I was so embarrassed of my entire life. Like I would never wear a bikini, I would never wear a two piece, crop tops were a no, because I was so embarrassed of this birthmark on my stomach. Like, just. Saying it out loud. I'm like, you're so stupid. Sometimes like our society conditioned us to be that way. I told you, but now I look at it and I'm like, that's bad ass. Like, I feel like that's part of, it's such a part of me that was saying, like, you're not, you're not made to carry life. You are made to nurture life. Like, you, it's, you, we've been there, we've done that, it didn't go well, let's do something different this time. And so it's like, it's just this kind of like, permanent reminder of like, what I'm here to do and who I'm here to do it with. That's cool. Yeah, I love it. Yeah. So, yeah. It's a lot of, um, amazing parts of your story remind me a lot of different parts of mine and it's, it's cool to hear. And that's what, another reason I love this whole idea of a podcast, because it's like you get to hear other people's stories. Meg just actually, you saw an Instagram, um, on like, you can check a person out of a library instead of a book. You can check a person out and hear their story. And I'm like that itself, I think it's called the human library. Yeah. The human library. Yeah. So you can like, so people are more compassionate about people. Like so many people just look at people as like, Oh, it's just a person. It's not. It's a human being with a soul with the feelings that was a child once that went through fucking shit. Yeah. Yes. Yes. I love hearing like your story and just, you know, pulling parts of me out to like relate to who you are. And it's like, it just reminds me that we're all so connected and, and I think that's I don't really know a whole lot about stepping into the power of femininity, but I do know the power of, of, of who we are as humans and being female. And, um, I actually teach a practice called steel mace flow, and there is a lot of dance quality and in our warmup, we do this, um, I call it stirring the ocean where we like, literally move our hips, like, In a stirring motion. And I talk about how much energy is stored within us and how to like really breathe deep into those hips as we move them. And I'm sure Meg would rather be twerking and releasing all of that energy in her hips, but like Twerking is truly the best somatic relief ever. Like, I can't stop laughing when I twerk. Oh yeah, I twerk in the kitchen at work. I mean, I'll drop a twerk for you, twerker. Yeah. I don't know how. I don't know how to twerk either. I just I have taken a class on twerk. Maybe you should teach that. It is an art, like, um, And you know how to do it? I do. You, like, bounce each butt cheek. Oh, okay, I'm not that good. But I can get into, like, a rhythmic flow. Oh my god, I'm so jealous. I, I actually just on the topic of like stepping into your feminine power, I, I am part of community, a dance community, and it's called body love. And, um, the creator of it, she's a backup dancer for right now she's on tour with Ricky Martin, but she's also like dance for Jason Derulo and all these, Jason Derulo. Sorry, Jason Derulo. Um, but, um, she's created just this really cool space, um, where she teaches feminine embodiment, feminine, like heels dance. Have you heard of the genre heels dancing in high heels? Super hot. And it's like, I have never felt so confident in my life. Then when I'm like looking at myself in the mirror and doing this, it's. It's the tits and it's the best. And it's like, if you need to get back into a space of loving your body and figuring yourself out as a woman, like a little, um, free publicity for there. And there's a twerk class on the platform. I tried, I tried doing a pole dancing class one time with my best friend and I was. So just, I was too focused on what everybody else was doing and being embarrassed about what I was doing. But they didn't give a fuck what I was doing. So like just ruined my whole experience because I couldn't even like get into it because I was so like just nervous of what everybody thought. Oh yeah. Well, that's why I love truly. That's why I love virtual dance classes because like you don't have to worry about what anybody else is doing except for yourself. And like, that's just like a little side note. If you were like into like feminine dance and like exploring that side of your sensuality and yourself, it's a really good. Yeah, I have very, I think I have very masculine energy. Well, I'm very just like, I'm very just like tough and rough and like. And I, I've been, I was a figure skater growing up and I was that way. My, like, I refused to do ballet. I didn't want to do anything that was like pretty and whatever. And I always just wanted to focus on my jumps and. I get very aggressive and I, now I'm trying to invite my feminine side in and embracing it. Well, to be clear, feminine energy doesn't look a specific way. It's not what you feel, right? Yeah. It's right. And part of the feminine is rage and like the inherent rage and aggressiveness that we're all born with. Like if you believe in, in souls and. were human were bodies walking around with what how do you describe that our bodies are soul sacks yes thank you art suits yes earth suits skin suits like And maybe you in a past life were a man and I think I was a man in all my past lives. Do you? Like I think I, I think I've definitely lived as a man. Yeah. I'm shocked. My balls haven't dropped yet, to be honest. So are they, are you in there? No. Um, but like, but we are all a balance of feminine and masculine energy. It's just like. When you find that power of accessing what feminine energy looks and feels like to you, it definitely, like for me, it felt like coming home for the first time in a really, really long time. So, yeah. So yeah! I don't know what else to say. I get super awkward whenever it gets quiet and you guys are just looking at me. I just, I always get to the point like where I just start, like I'm absorbing everything. Yeah. Like I resonate with you like with so much of it, like unreal. It's just great because I haven't really met a lot of people that were like me as a kid. Like none of my friends, like nobody was like me, like, and doctors kept telling my mom, she'll grow out of it. She'll grow out of it. No, I'm getting better at it. Getting better at it, learning better. Learning better. Well, and I'll tell you what will really, um, force you to get better at that is becoming a parent and, like, having to learn how to deal with your emotions in a constructive, non violent way. Yeah. I mean, I've had times where, like, I'm at my wit's end and it's like every fiber of my being wants to literally explode and it's like You gotta dig deep, sis, and figure out how to, like, breathe through this, to walk away, to maybe throw something at the wall or, like, scream in a pillow for five minutes. Like, figure it out, because this little human's watching every fucking thing that you do, and you don't want him to be terrified of you, so that's fun. I definitely share with my son, like, he's seen the evolution of me and my change, and And stuff. And he'll even say to me, he's like, wow, he goes, you really, really changed a lot, you know? And I'm like, yeah, I working on myself and there's times where I have hiccups and I'm not the perfect and I have, you know, blow ups and you know, if me and his dad fight or whatever. And I'm like, first of all, Mason, I go, it's normal. All parents fight. Oh yeah. There's so much love in this home. I go, you're so grateful to be in a home that it's filled with love, you know? And I said, I'm a human being. I am just trying to do better than I was yesterday. I'm like, I'm not perfect, nor am I ever going to be perfect. I go, just learn from my, learn from my mistakes, like, and learn from your dad's mistakes. That's the whole point. You're supposed to do better than we did. You know? Yeah. I think too. It's like. When you're young and you hear like you're gonna become a grownup, but it's like as grownups, we are continuing to grow up. Like I don't think growing up stops, you don't, unless you've given up on life. And I feel like all three of us have been there and it's so amazing to be on the other side. Yeah. And continue the growth and then like fall in love with growing and not being trying to be so perfect at, yeah. And so I, I just, I love the talk about stepping into our power and. Being the best we can in front of the youth, but also like showing them like we're figuring it out too. We we yeah Yeah, i've never been a you know 38 year old Mother wife before I don't know what the fuck i'm doing ever I've never known what I'm doing, but I wake up each day and I'm like, well, let's figure it out. I'm not going to do this again, or maybe I will. And if I do, I'll forgive myself. That's also like the power of apology of a genuine apology and being able to look at someone and be like, I really fucked up. I'm really sorry. Like, what can I do to make it better? Um, that's something that is so, I don't know. I feel like I am super, super quick to acknowledge, like when I do something great and I'm also really quick to acknowledge when I know that I fucked up big time, like I can feel it happen. And I'm like, Oh my God, you know what I mean? And like, yeah, to be able to be human and have humility and say, you're sorry and admit your mistakes. It feels so good almost like, yeah, because I used to have. I used to just lie or I wouldn't own up to anything. And so it's like almost euphoric for me. It's like, I almost get off on it. Like, fuck yeah, I fucked up. Like I, like you feel such empowerment by owning something. Yeah. Yep. And then we can be the example to the youth because I feel like they they learn more from watching us and what we do. Yeah, I was telling them. And so I think it's just so Helpful for ourselves and for them, for us to be honest with ourselves, because they're going through the times that they do, you know, the preteen times are where you lie and you just see what happens from there. And you catch your parent in a lie and they don't say they're sorry and they don't own up to it. So, okay, I guess that's the way that we can do this. And it's like, it's so great for us to catch ourselves and apologize. Yeah, in a, in a way where it's like, we're not being told to do it because that's what we do for the kids. Like, go tell so and so you're sorry. And it's like, wow, we have to leave. Yeah, we do it. Yeah. Yeah. Then they all, well, I would hope that they would actually just do it on their own versus us telling them everything they have to do. We show them what it could be for them. Right. Yeah. I just laying in bed with Sonny the other night, I had had a really shitty day. Monday was a really shitty day and. I was a shitty mom. Like I had some shitty mom moments and we were laying in bed. I still sleep with them and, um, we were getting ready to fall asleep. And I was like, buddy, I felt like I was a monster mommy today. And I'm really sorry about that. And he was like, that's okay. You'll be better tomorrow. And then he blew my nose and said, reset. It's like, okay, perfect. Good night. Like that. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. So amazing. Yeah, he has some really precious moments like that, but like, I don't know, I, I feel like, I feel like as parents, we're always all, at least I hope we're all doing the best we know how to do, but the key is to like, continue to grow up, continue to learn alongside your kids. Yeah. And to forget to forgive ourselves when we fuck up. Like if we don't forgive ourselves, then it's just gonna store trauma and it's gonna. Yeah. And you're just going to keep repeating it because it's like, all right, this, yeah. So yeah, we're all flawed humans. I mean, I'm really flawed, but I like having flaws. I love it. Who wants to be perfect? Don't I say that all the time? Who wants to be perfect? How boring. How boring, for sure. Well, and then it would be, then perfect wouldn't be perfect. Like, well, I'm just like, I'm going to lay in bed tonight and be like, why did I say that? Why did I say that? Don't do that to yourself. I shouldn't have said this. I should have said this. Oh, queen. That's just what I do. I do it every single night. Any social interaction I have ever had. I wake up at like two in the morning. I'm like, I absolutely love your personality and the way you speak. It's so authentic. It reminds me of myself. Okay, good. Yeah. Well, I told you I That's you're the reason I reached out to Courtney. I was like, yep, I am this woman, whoever she is. So yeah, I say shit. I mean, owning a bar, I say the weirdest fucking shit and I have been since a young age. So I just learned now it's like, sometimes I'll look at her and be like, Did I really just like say that? But it's like, at the day, I don't, it's, it's fucking who I am. Yeah. Way my brain works and I fucking love it. And. Yeah. Okay. Allow, accept, receive. Yeah. I'm half the time we will just help each other through those moments. So let us help you through those moments and just release because your story is more powerful than little things that you said, believe me, your story is incredible. Yeah. Yeah. I had like in my mind how I wanted to talk and how I wanted to sound we're going through a mercury retrograde right now and I was like you're gonna, you're gonna do something that you're going to be embarrassed about and honestly I don't know if I'm even embarrassed but like right now I'm like, well, you're having the vulnerability hangover. I think that's what my friend called it. Carolyn. Yeah, we had it after our first episode. I wanted to puke the next morning. Yeah, we're like, did we really? And then we got more open and then we're like, oh god, we do that. And it just kept happening. So we're doing this every week. And we're wanting to just say that. You're, you're going to have your own podcast and you're going to feel this and it's going to become a feeling that you don't even care about anymore because that's becoming authentic. To be the truest you in front of anyone and everyone is the best feeling because then we get rid of the. I don't know. I would love to hear your opinion of others that we're constantly thinking about, which not everyone does, not everyone's the same archetype, but I have been that person. yeah, my mom, other people's opinion of you is none of your fucking business. I am in that wheelhouse. It's a free patterning that you have to, I have to remind myself often. Cause I definitely get in that, you know, overthinking moment and then, you know, Mine is overthinking. Like, am I making sense? Did I make sense? Yeah. I see that all the time. How many times do I question what I say? What do I do? Cause that's what we do. I talk about calling my podcast. Does that make sense? I love it. This taught me. Yeah, I love it. Yeah. Well, just because it goes hand in hand with the photos of the women and the way that I'm making the portraits. So yeah, whenever that, um, whenever that gains traction and I have more, um, to talk about with that, I would love to reach out to you and, oh yeah. And just. Just do it because you're never going to be ready. Just like anything we just said, we, we luckily had my brother's death date coming up, so I'm like, let's pick it. And she's like, okay, we weren't ready. We were not ready, but we made it. And we're still like fumbling through it. It's just organic and messy. Yeah. It's real. It's real life. Yeah. And if you don't fucking like it, don't listen. Yeah. That's another great thing. It's like, you know, this isn't for everyone. And, and I'm learning to understand that I want someone who, who was very close to me said this very, very harsh thing to me a handful of years back where she's like, Courtney, not everyone has to like you. And that. is so true, but I was so not ready to hear that and let it in that it hurt and I held on to it and I, I hated that that was said to me. And now I'm like, Courtney, not everyone has to like you. And it's like, that's so great. Cause I'm not for everyone. And that's a good thing. Right. And you don't want to be for everyone. No, um, I once saw a quote that was like, I'd rather be somebody shot at one person shot of bourbon than everyone's cup of tea. It was like, Oh, yeah. Although I don't, I'm not a big bourbon drinker, but like tequila was, it's cute. Yeah. But I also think that like your intro should be like, if you don't like it, don't fucking listen. And then you, that's very funny. Well, thank you guys so much for your time. Thank you. Your story, well parts of your story that you shared are absolutely unique and amazing. And I'm so glad you have those moments in your life because They are really magical. Yeah, and having the courage to come on here and share your story for yourself. Yeah. People that need to hear it. Yeah. Like I said, I think that there's a lot of power and vulnerability in like the wheelhouse of connection. In a very disconnected world, I feel like we're often like grasping for, that's why we love Instagram so much. That's why we love social media because we're looking for somebody to identify with and we're looking for something that we identify with. So. I hope that if you can strewn all the parts of my story that I shared together, that it will, I don't know, help someone give somebody some inspiration or something to laugh at at the very worst. Well, I should be dancing Kroger, take that one with you. It's landed on my heart. So if that's enough, then I'm. It's definitely inspired me. Thank you very much, Kristen. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Have a wonderful evening. Soak it up. Give your kisses. Yeah. Awesome meeting you. Thank you. If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you either just appreciate our messy, awkward life experiences, or you're truly up for finding more magic in your life like we are. Definitely tune in every Sunday for more reality shifts that we explore between us and with many special guests that join. If you feel it, please subscribe so you don't miss your seat on our magical earth school bus. Your experience with this show really means a lot to us. So we want to genuinely welcome you to leave an honest review. Your voice matters exactly how it is. You can follow us on social media, check the show notes, and if you really want to get in the action, send us a message directly through our email. We'll connect with you next week.