Episode 21 - A Look Within featuring Hannah Milward

In this episode, we, your hosts Court & Meg talk with Hannah Milward, a somatic healer, based in New Zealand. We discuss the importance of self-reflection & introspection, the impact of external influences on inner healing, and how a person can change their perspective & emotions. 

Hannah highlights the role of accountability, curiosity, community, and understanding through healing. She explains her journey with plant medicines & her soon-to-be published ayahuasca guidebook. The conversation reveals the importance of being in a state of 'being' rather than 'doing' for personal growth.

02:32 Exploring Personal Connections & Shared Experiences

03:48 Diving into the Meaning of the Magical Midlife Crisis 

05:39 Exploring the Concept of Time, Space, and Crisis

09:38 Discussing the Power of Mindset & Perception

18:47 Exploring the Impact of Society & External Influences

23:56 Discussing the Power of Self-Healing & Personal Growth

32:25 Exploring the Concept of Change & Personal Evolution

37:33 Discussing the Journey of Self-Discovery & Healing

43:45 Understanding the Unconscious Mind

44:08 Exploring the Positive Intentions Behind Actions

46:06 The Power of Curiosity in Healing

46:17 The Struggle of Commitment to Healing

47:38 The Fear Underneath Resistance to Change

48:15 The Importance of 'Being' Over 'Doing'

54:25 The Role of Accountability in Personal Growth

56:23 The Power of Community in Healing

01:01:49 The Journey of Writing The Ayahuasca Guidebook and Journal

01:09:26 The Impact of Trauma & the Path to Healing

Connect with Hannah Milward through her site Wholistic Transformation 💫

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Directly connect with Meg: @meg.itate.8itch
Directly connect with Court: @coco.compassion
Connect to us both: themagicalmidlifecrisis@gmail.com --- Write to us! We'd love to learn about a magical midlife crisis story of your own or someone you know!

Transcript

0:02

there's a cool process that I use sometimes with, uh, with clients and it's like a parts integration and you can have someone kind of visualize, you know, there's a part that wants to get up early in the morning and exercise and the part that wants to sleep in. And you can, in, in like a hypnosis sort of state, you can get the conscious mind out the way and the unconscious has an opportunity to be heard. And there's other somatic ways of getting those feelings so that you can see them outside of yourself. Um, and you assign like a symbol or an image to each part and you're in a state where you can almost feel them in your hands. It's these two separate parts and you can almost see them. And then you're really in quite a, a trance state. So all the kind of logical thinking gets thrown out the window, which is great because the unconscious has access to pretty much all that is. And, um, it's really interesting when you get insight from the unconscious mind and you find out the positive intention behind this behavior. Okay, so what was the positive intention behind wanting to sleep in? And then you get a little bit deeper in, and who are you when you're sleep, when, when that's true? Like it might be, um. The positive intention of sleeping is while I get to rest. And when I get to rest, what is that like? Well, I feel really, you know, rested in my body. Like I'm doing myself good and like I'm caring for myself. And when you're caring for yourself, what does that mean? Well, it means that I'm You know, I'm a better friend. I'm a better partner. And when you're a better friend and a better partner, what's that like? This is the magical midlife crisis podcast, where your hosts, I'm court, a compassion activist, animal lover, nature, nut and entrepreneur in the mind, body, spirit connections. And I Meg a free thinker with a passion for non toxic living, a dedicated hockey mom and a multi business owner. We are a couple of friends who met through health and heartache. We discovered through our crisis moments, we all have magic within us. This podcast is about awakening to a different perspective and being the creators of our own reality. Every Sunday, you can expect an abundance of stories from all kinds of kinds in their different layers of awakening. We hope you expand your heart and minds and create the shift with us. So unplug from the matrix and tune in to this magical mystery ride. Beep, beep. Honk honk. Welcome back to the Magical Midlife Crisis Podcast. I am Court. And I'm Meg. And we have a very, very. Amazing beautiful human who goes by the name of Hannah, uh, joining us today. Hannah was introduced to me by a mutual friend who will be on the podcast in the near future by the name of Carolyn Hammond. Um, Carolyn is a dear friend and she basically said to me, you must meet this woman. You two were cut from the same cloth. And I had never heard that saying before. And I just thought that is really. That's special. That's I have to meet her, whoever she is. So Hannah and I were connected via Facebook and had our first, like, I don't know, interaction through Facebook messenger, and then we talked pretty much, I don't know, weekly, biweekly. It was during the pandemic. I want to say it was like three, four years ago, something like that. And Hannah lives in New Zealand. We have yet to meet and touch hearts and hug skin to skin. Um, but it's happening. It's just a matter of time. Uh, we are both manifesting it and it might not be in New Zealand. It might be in Spain or Portugal or some other amazing place in the world. But Hannah, thank you so much for joining us today to have an amazing conversation about. Any layer of your magical midlife crisis that you've endured throughout your existence, uh, in your human life. But yes, thank you for joining us and blessings. Thank you. Thank you. And, uh, it's funny when you were making that introduction. I kept noticing the word time and space, and space and time, and I even heard you say instead of Facebook, Spacebook. I just had a little bit of a laugh to myself. I was like, my god, am I reading too much quantum physics shit at the moment? Or like, what's going on? Because My brain is like picking up on these words and um, yeah, what are we, but the words we repeat to ourselves and the emotional connection we assign to the words and how they create pictures in our minds and even when you talk about crisis, what is that? What is a crisis? Except for a point of possibility, I guess. Um, Yeah, it's like, uh, every, uh, crisis point or uncertainty point, we can choose to cross that word out and instead put possibility there because, I don't know, I don't, I just Don't really believe that possibility can exist inside of certainty and a lot of what people identify as crisis points within themselves or, um, difficult times, I, I think like, um, Often when we expect ourselves to create a better outcome from the same emotional state that we've been complaining about and maybe make the mistake of somehow believing that we're gonna plant seeds from you know, a field of a shit emotion and and somehow grow flowers that smell like Roses. We've really gotta, I think, I think, uh, um, maybe reverse the, the process, like, uh, be it to see it instead of thinking, uh, I'll believe it when I see it. It's like, well, now you've got to see it inside first. So yeah, when I think of midlife crisis, I think of, um, uh, I think of a stickiness, like a, a wanting to step outside this place of maybe boredom or uncertainty or this questioning of why haven't I achieved this happiness that everyone told me I was gonna get when I ticked the boxes and I keep doing this thing like this shopping list of life and yet. I'm not there yet, but I'm doing all the right things. And, um, I think often people, um, and people that I work with, they, uh, they keep doing the right things. Like doing the American dream. Doing, doing, doing. People are really frickin good at doing. But if we're constantly in the doing and having, then we're never really touching a tolent being. Then it seems like we're always doing from a place of desperation or a place of wanting to be something other than who we are in that moment. And uh, it seems like the more I get into quote unquote midlife, whatever that means, the more important it feels to actually be creating from the state that I want to achieve out there in the future and pulling that into the now and then having a little bit more trust that whatever seeds I plant now. in this field of the current moment. If I'm creating good soil, nurturing a positive emotional state, one that I do want to be in, in the future, if I'm pulling that into the moment now, then it kind of feels like I can have a little bit more trust. And whatever manifests from that set point, knowing that if I plant a seed in good soil, it's going to grow into something maybe even more magical and beautiful than what I could have imagined before. This makes me just kind of ranting and raving. Awesome. Cause it makes me think of like, The, the person I used to be and the person that I often encounter outside of me now is focusing so much on what isn't. And then I now, cause I have awakened to the level that I have, I think I blurred out like, but what if this is right here waiting for us. And you just don't see it yet. What if? And so that's a question that I'm constantly repeating to myself and then anyone trying to point me or anyone out, you know, around in the direction of seeing what isn't. And it's fascinating because I think that is part of the, the awakening, the, the understanding possibility. And. Mm hmm. And what everyone thinks is a crisis or a trigger of some sort. But I've been learning. It seems like, um, it seems like we're kind of in a, in a human collective habit pattern of placing ourselves in this victim role, like, Oh, I'm this way because of this. And it's like, I'm this way because of my gender or my job or my, where I was born or my ancestry or colonization or my, the list goes on and on and on. And it's like. If the past is a construction of memory and memory exists in the brain, you know, what are we actually actively creating? When's enough enough? When are we going to actually go, all right, instead of focusing my attention, which makes something real. On something that sucks, like something that really feels like shit in my body and when I think about it and I shut my eyes I'm seeing a mental movie of like doom and gloom and it's all like in my face and it makes me feel like somatically. Awful. And yet I keep playing it over and over and over again. When is enough enough? When am I going to start to go, hang on a second, this movie that I'm playing in my mind, you know, if my emotions are the audience to this theatre act that I'm creating without awareness. When is enough enough? When am I gonna actually gonna go, alright, what I'm playing over and over to myself, or saying over and over to myself, or rehearsing in my mind, imagination, all the time without awareness, when am I gonna feel shit enough to start to go, press pause, Let's take a look inside, what am I actually playing over to myself if I'm rehearsing my future with my present imagination? What do I want to be seeing in there instead? And then putting, projecting that imagination out into the future, okay, if I could feel any way right now, navigating whatever it is. that's going on. It could be a fucking shit show, excuse the language, but even then, you know, if I'm, if I'm in chaos and life's a mess, how do I want to feel inside while life's a mess? If I could wave myself a magic wand and think what is the best state to be in while I navigate whatever storm is upon me, how can I, how does that feel? And just getting, shutting your eyes, getting curious if I can see myself any way. In a feeling state and an emotional state of how I want to be and try that on like a superhero cloak or like a Costume, how does it feel when i'm wearing that costume of feeling good and remembering it and getting super curious? Like getting peeling back all the layers of the onion. So who am I when i'm in that state? How am I around my friends? What am I like with my family? Who am I in my job when i'm that way the way that I want to be? Confident. What does confidence feel like? Who am I when I'm confident? What am I like with my community? Just playing out those things and almost copying and pasting them onto the present state because we all have resources. It's like we have to re source a resource. Like if it's a file in the cabinet and it's been stored away for a while, like maybe it's confidence. And maybe, you know, it's been a while since you've fully tried on that cloak of confidence. Well, you know, maybe it's time to get it out of storage, try it on, see how the physiology changes. Imagine how you breathe when you're confident, how you stand when you're confident. And even if you have to kind of like quote unquote fake it till you make it, like wouldn't you rather wear confidence? As you know, they're getting a shit show or chaos or uncertainty. And, um, yeah, so I think, uh, we can be really attached to our problems and keep rehearsing them in our minds without really having awareness of what we're doing. And that can create what many people would call crisis or midlife crisis. It can be. Yeah, people have kind of just gotten into these habits of thinking more than anything without awareness and maybe even if there's an inner dialogue going on Not really challenging that or not getting curious enough to even know if it's your own voice like slowing down enough to go What is it that I'm actually saying to myself when I'm feeling, oh fuck, I'm in a midlife crisis, or, oh god, this is, this is uncertain, this is crazy, I don't know what's going on, I don't know what to do. Instead maybe asking ourselves, how do I want to be? And if my state of being is influenced by whatever voice is going on inside, what's that voice like? Is it mine? Is it It teaches, when did I first hear that voice, and if that voice is affecting my state, which is my state of being, which is everything really, what can I do to change that voice? Even uh, one of my teachers was like, you can uh, slow that voice right down, and then notice how different you feel, or even change that voice to like a cartoon character and speed it right up, and see if you can still take that shit seriously. Hearing your, hearing your inner dialogue is like Mickey Mouse on fast forward. Suddenly means you can't really take your stuff so seriously anymore. So yeah, I think, um, we have much more power inside than we really. Acknowledge a lot of the time and it's not really something that's taught to us that we can pay attention to what's going on inside. Like what's happening inside really does affect how we navigate the world no matter what is going on outside. We, we can find that sense of being before we even start doing. And I think when we find the state of being that we want to be in. We do the doing part anyway, a lot better. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Yeah, it's almost like, why isn't this taught to us prior to the quote unquote midlife crisis? And it makes me think two things. Like we're supposed to go through the learnings and the lessons and the journey of life to discover this. But also the modern day society is set up to take this away from us as we age for, for us not knowing our knowing and our remembrance of who we really are, to have our power and for us to be these blind consumers instead of creators. But all of this that I'm literally saying right now, I would not even comprehend in my state that I was before my quote, midlife crisis and my awakening, even, even the early layers of my awakening, I wouldn't understand what I'm saying. So like the, the evolution is. The not allowing to be controlled, really. I mean, evolution is growth and growth is evolution and most of us are sleeping awake and don't know it. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think, um, yeah, the system that we're living in really profits from having people that are divided within themselves. Incongruent within themselves, not really aware of their own values and like the hierarchy of their values and whether, you know, the most, um, sort of spacious value fits, fits in with all the other more material values. Like if I, if I value openness, how does my other values fit into that? How do my other values fit into that, that kind of core value of openness. And if I'm divided within myself and I have parts of me that want one thing and parts that want another. I'm divided in myself and I'm not really self aware and I'm wondering why I'm feeling like this kind of icky, kind of tension, maybe constriction inside. Something's off and maybe it's because I haven't actually given myself the space to even know. What my core values are, what is it that I actually enjoy? What state of being do I want to be in, instead of constantly seeking something outside to fill the void, actually getting really deep into the who am I kind of question. And what's everything else that I'm not, right now, that I could be? Or looking at a problem, we can get really hyper focused on a problem instead of asking ourselves. And if I was going to expand my sort of visual field out, what's everything that's not that problem that I could choose to focus on right now? What do I bring into focus that wasn't the peripheral vision? That could change my whole experience of reality, and instead of being divided even in myself, I can now expand my field out and maybe incorporate all of what could be, all of the possibilities. Not even to mention the division that we're kind of pushed into in the outside world. I mean, you know, you're, you're labeled as anti this or pro that or just pick a topic, eh? And there's some sort of politicized agenda around creating this absolute insane division. And you talk to most humans out on the street. Like most people are not a reflection of what the media says we are. Like, you look at the news. Not that I think anyone actually watches any news anymore, but you know, if you were to, if you were to watch the bloody mainstream media, you'd be thinking, you know, like everyone's a bloody racist and you know, there's transphobic people everywhere and blah, blah, blah. And you talk to most people, most people don't give a shit who, who you sleep with. Most people don't give a crap who you are, what color you are. Um, it's just. If you're a good person or not, you know, are you a GC or you're a dick? Um, but you know, we're, we're kind of, it feels like anyway, we're pushed into this paradigm of needing to take sides and there's all this virtue signaling going on. Like you're not, you're not a good person unless you do this and that. And then there's this fear of triggering people as though, like, as though the power isn't me to trigger you. It's like, no, if you're hearing a word that I say, and you have a, an emotional or somatic response to that word, or that situation, or that view, that image, that thing. It's the you inside that's creating the sensation, the trigger, the response. It's not anything external, it's like, if anything, I think triggers can be real gold. Like, it's like, oh, shit, I felt that when she said that. What's going on? Like, what is that, what pitch is? Am I creating inside my head when I hear that word? Where's that from? What healing do I need to take response, ability, take the power to be, to take a response and have the ability to have responsibility to actually look within and go, Oh shit, I'm carrying some ammunition in here. When's that from? What's that about? And if I don't like what I'm feeling, what do I need to do to shift that state? What state would feel better right now? How do I want to feel if I'm faced with this environmental trigger or, um, this person who is, you know, maybe reminding me of something that I've outgrown, and creating an automatic, my nervous system is responding in this way, and it feels shit, and I want to respond differently, so what do I have to do? I have to do some work, and there's many ways we can do that work, but it's, it's not for me to blame anyone else for my triggers. Not mine, not mine. Okay, so I would love to hear, because so when I first met you, you were a traditionally trained nurse. It's shifting into holistic health and you've shifted in many other beautiful modalities for self healing. And I didn't even know what the word somatic meant. I mean, I had heard it until you told me about your. Learnings and teachings of somatic healing, but like for those, a lot of people that listen to us, amazing people are very unfamiliar with healing the self and like different modalities and, and opportunities that that can be done in. I'd love for you to. Open up on that. Yeah. Well, I think, um, my experience anyway, like going through, you know, navigating my ongoing healing journey, the work never really ends as far as I can see. Um, but I, I tried many forms of therapy and from body work to. Uh, nutrition, to talk therapy, counseling, you name it. Um, but it seemed to me like there was a missing piece of the puzzle and that's, yeah, the, the nervous system and we, and we feel the nervous system response in our bodies. And if you've been through big traumas like sexual abuse and things like that, it can be quite a journey to get back in touch with what the body is actually saying and giving ourselves enough space to maybe have moments where we're not stuck in that fight flight freeze, completely dissociated and allowing ourselves to feel safe enough in our bodies to feel, you know, when somebody says this, what am I feeling inside? Is there a constriction in my chest? Uh, you know, what am I actually feeling? And then expanding that to the other sense, what am I seeing? What am I hearing? Just giving ourselves and our nervous systems enough pause to discover what's going on inside. And then tying in the understanding that a lot of the nervous system patterns and maybe our unconscious reactions to, you know, these triggers and these things that we can learn to take responsibility for and unpack, a lot of them happen in the unconscious. Like, it's not like we think we're gonna, we have a moment and we go, yeah, I'm going to act like an asshole here and then regret it later. It's not like we make a conscious choice to, to do what we do most of the time. It's most of who we are is in the unconscious. And a lot of these deep traumas. Happened in a period of our lives, like the, some of the real, real, real, real deep stuff. I mean, that's between zero and seven where really we're in trance. We're taking in a lot of programming. It's kind of like if you're building a computer and you're installing all the software, our inner software gets installed for the most part, a lot of it anyway, when we're below seven years old. And so then I got curious about, okay, so what can we do when we're in altered states? When we have access to more of who we are and yeah, one way or another, I, um, I explored with, uh, plant medicines that very quickly get you into this altered state where you seem to have a huge amount more material to work with, so to speak. It's, it's like you can tune into who you are energetically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, all in one sort of boom. Like it's suddenly you're there and suddenly, you know. Beyond words as well, beyond words. Words will never do some of that work justice, but it's, it integrates sort of a, a seeing, a feeling, a knowing. And you can have some pretty out there insights. It's felt like me, like working with ayahuasca, like many years of therapy all in one. Like memory reconsolidation, like having the experience of being able to float down into an old memory and copy and paste new emotional Uh, responses onto that and resource that in a child with exactly what she needed. And not only that, but go down and float down and resource everyone else in that scene. And just noticing on a body somatic level, different that feels. And that's the type of work, um, I've more recently discovered that we can actually do in, in hypnosis, hypnotherapy and, um, and an NLP and some of these other models of looking at healing. And getting right, getting the guard dog of the conscious mind to step back a little bit and go, hmm, there is a power to what I suggest to myself and it is a real physiological shift that happens. For example, if I imagine this is a cool little experiment that people can do and really get a lived experience of how powerful the mind is. If you are, if you even just shut your eyes and And imagine seeing in front of you, like a, a fruit bowl. And in that fruit bowl, you can see a lemon, and it's a big, juicy, yellow lemon. And now you can imagine even picking it up in your hand and smelling it. Smell that citrus. That beautiful, fresh lemon. And now imagine you can pick up a knife. Just hold the knife in your hand. And as you bring the blade down to the skin of the lemon, even feel it as that moment of tension, just before the skin breaks, and push that knife through, and taking the knife away, and even see the, maybe a little drop, or a shining, a little shiny bit on the knife, which you can see the lemon juice. And picking that lemon up in two halves, smelling it again, and then in one hand, imagining that you can just squeeze that lemon and squeeze the juice into your mouth. And just noticing if you start to feel any more salivation in your mouth, if you can almost taste it, does your mouth water just through your imagination, just your imagination? Yeah, because we can use our imagination for many things and athletes know this too. Like I studied exercise and sports science and a big part of that was sports psychology. And if you rehearse something enough in your mind, your performance absolutely increases. You can just imagine pumping weights and you literally get more muscle fibers building in your, in your body. So, I mean, it's, it's quite, quite a thing to contemplate. You know, how much of our time do we imagine what we don't want to happen? How much time do we spend rehearsing mentally the shit show that we think is inevitable? And then, lo and behold, we create it. So it's quite powerful, um, to realize that you can create cortisol in your bloodstream just by thinking a thought over and over again. Yeah, I think it's a hard pill for people to swallow, knowing that they've manifested. All the horrible shit in their life, not all of it, but like just not realizing their thoughts and just a constant replay that of what can go wrong and that they're manifesting. Yeah. The script and you can manifest the opposite. Absolutely. Absolutely. And just coming back to, I know I go off track quite a bit, but yeah, like talking about society and how it's set up, you know, um, What benefit does the system, the people who are even above the politicians, pulling all the strings, you know, whether that's the central banks, whether it's the, you know, the puppet masters up there somewhere, the faces we'll never see, do they actually benefit from people being in power? Or, empowered? Or do they benefit from everyone pretty much living in a state of constant stress, almost so that we're addicted to the stress because it becomes so normal that we kind of don't know what to do with ourselves when we have moments of being. You know, I feel like the whole system is almost structured around perpetual trauma and keeping people stuck in a victim mindset and, uh, when we realize that we're. The creators of our own reality, and we learn tools. I mean, anyone can say that, and it's a very cliche thing to say, like, we're creators, we're manifestors of our own reality. But until you can really like break that down a little bit and maybe actually have useful ways on how to apply that knowledge to self, you know, start to stop ourselves using the tools that we have of self awareness and going, do I need to be even the victim of this emotional state? If I don't like how I'm feeling, you know, there's a lot of spiritual bypassing, oh, you know, you've got to feel, you've got to feel, it's pretty much saying you've got to feel shit a lot of the time and there's nothing you can do about it, but, no, you can actually, like, if you want to create more of a state you say you want, you have to. Start to take responsibility again and go, right, yes, it's fine to dip a toe in and feel something, you know, maybe have a, go back and feel what needs to be felt and tell your story, but there's no need to keep telling the same story over and over again with the same emotion or else you're just going to carve a deeper and deeper neural pathway to the problem. So we've really got to start rehearsing in our minds. How we want to be, and alternative ways of being, I think, in order to give even the brain on a neuroscience level, you've got to start carving out and digging out a new neural pathway, so that times when you do get faced with something that did trigger you before, your brain now has space, it's rehearsed an alternative action, so instead of always jumping to the, you know, the reaction that you did when that thing happened, your brain has now rehearsed how you want to feel instead, how do you want to be, When that thing happens. You know, if you're faced with that boss that triggers you all the time in a perfect world, if I could wave a magic wand and I could feel any way and be any way in that situation, what would it look like? What would it feel like? What would I be seeing, hearing, saying and rehearsing that in detail until your brain literally, cause you were just. Discovered through experience, the brain doesn't really know the difference between emotion, uh, imagination and reality, because it's all imagination if we're thinking about the past or the future. So, do we want to create and carve out a neural pathway which brings us closer to how we want to be, or do we go back the same old road, the one we know, the one that's comfortable with a nice, deep, well worn neural pathway. So yeah, my work now is about helping people carve new neural pathways, really, and through many different processes, just going on these. Wild journeys, shifting consciousness around the body and into all the realms of time and space and energy and like applied quantum physics to the mind and consciousness and coaching and hypnosis and NLP and all of the things. So it's fun. And we can have fun while we change. Yeah. And all we are is changing, another teacher was saying, like, pretty much all we are is changing, eh? Like, even an emotional state can only last for 90 seconds before we have to find a trigger inside and start lighting our own fire again, it's like, that awareness is everything. And to really like shift ourselves and to be empowered where we're kind of being rebellious against the system knowing that that's really not what they want. And that's how we change the world is changing ourselves, knowing that all we are is changing and we can either change into more of who we were or create something new. It's hard work, but it's worth doing the best work. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. I used to feel so disconnected from everything. And obviously we live in a world that wants to keep us disconnected. And as I went through my process of waking up, it's just incredible to feel so connected to so many things and to not externally. Blame people for my triggers. Cause that's what I used to do. Well, you're making me feel this way. It was always external and looking for external validation as well. So nothing was coming from the inside, whether it was good or bad, it was me just blaming everybody else. And that's, I feel like the beauty and waking up and feeling connected and really, Being like, okay, let's get to the bottom of this. Why am I feeling this way? Okay. That person said something and like you mentioned triggering. Okay. It's nothing to do with that person. It all has to do with internally. And it's just, it's amazing to validate that for yourself and not have to look externally Transcribed For that validation, you know, to how to feel good or, you know, and yeah, I, I've been learning so much about authenticity and how these triggers are just small gifts or large gifts for us to realize the fears that we've created inside of us. Over the years and how we can literally detach from that fear, see it from a separate place in space and time. And then, and then like you're saying, rehearse and imagine as I do want to feel. And then I become truer to me, which the true self, as I'm understanding it. is is always evolving and changing so the journey is never over until we're obviously Floating spirit energy is what we're always way more than we think we are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. With every decision, you know, we're collapsing a version of reality and it's, yeah, it's pretty trippy to think about a, yeah. You know, and living in a world of instant gratification, you know, some people wanted to wake up and become that person they want to be the next day, but I find it so fulfilling going through the process of. Healing, you know, it takes time. It's nothing that's going to happen in a week, in a month. It's going to take time. And I feel like, I don't know, it's just, the journey is something that I wouldn't want to speed up. It's meaningful. Yeah. That's what we're all searching for. You're capturing it. For meaning. Yeah. Mm. Mm. And some things we can shift in a moment of inspiration or an aha moment. You know, some things, if we're in a state of being in the, in the journey and we're enjoying it and we're enjoying the process, then great. And also expect the unexpected. You know, some things can change in an instant. You know, if we, if we believe in miracles and we're expecting them, then they're much more likely to happen. If we believe that, you know, it's going to be hard work and it's going to take time, whatever time is, because it's a construction of our minds anyway. It might be, it might take time, it might not, but the important thing is, is the state. The state, like if you're, if you're enjoying the journey that you're on, then, you know, that's, that's all we can really ask for of life, isn't it? Because life is so full of uncertainty and crisis and chaos and, but it's how we look at it and, and how we, how we're standing in it. Cause that's all we can really control, right? Like as our, as our state, as we're navigating whatever it is. And yeah, I fully believe that there is always going to be the layers of the onion to peel back. Like you say, like it's a, it's a journey. Yeah, it's self discovery and it's really, I mean, me and Courtney are a year apart. I'm not sure how old you are, but it's like finding who we really are like at this age and it's. It's just amazing. Yeah. It's, I wouldn't change it for anything, you know, like I wouldn't want to wake up one day and just be like, Oh, I'm healed. You know, I, that would be nice, but I really like to see, okay, my traumas, why was I this way or what, what created those behaviors for me? For me, I find it exciting for me to. Work on it and fix it, you know, mm. Mm. Yeah, it's um, it's, it's really interesting when we can have, when we can look back and go, Oh yeah, I can see that. And I can see that there's this part of me that's still there and, and there might be the opposite part as well that wants something different. But you know, if there's a part that's making me behave this way, or I believe it's making me behave this way, I can get super curious. And go, what's the positive intention of this part and the opposite, like if, even if I were like, there's a cool process that I use sometimes with, uh, with clients and it's like a parts integration and you can have someone kind of visualize, you know, there's a part that wants to get up early in the morning and exercise and the part that wants to sleep in. And you can, in, in like a hypnosis sort of state, you can get the conscious mind out the way and the unconscious has an opportunity to be heard. And there's other somatic ways of getting those feelings so that you can see them outside of yourself. Um, and you assign like a symbol or an image to each part and you're in a state where you can almost feel them in your hands. It's these two separate parts and you can almost see them. And then you're really in quite a, a trance state. So all the kind of logical thinking gets thrown out the window, which is great because the unconscious has access to pretty much all that is. And, um, it's really interesting when you get insight from the unconscious mind and you find out the positive intention behind this behavior. Okay, so what was the positive intention behind wanting to sleep in? And then you get a little bit deeper in, and who are you when you're sleep, when, when that's true? Like it might be, um. The positive intention of sleeping is while I get to rest. And when I get to rest, what is that like? Well, I feel really, you know, rested in my body. Like I'm doing myself good and like I'm caring for myself. And when you're caring for yourself, what does that mean? Well, it means that I'm You know, I'm a better friend. I'm a better partner. And when you're a better friend and a better partner, what's that like? And then you go right down, right down, right down to an identity level. And normally it's something around like, you know, survival or staying alive or, well, if I'm this way, then I, you know, I'm safe. And it's interesting because often times, I won't go all the way into it, but often times the two parts that seem so separate and divided, they have the same positive intention. And then you can do some cool, cool stuff with um, getting like a, a third possibility that feels, that feels like it's gonna take the best. Of both those parts. And you ask the unconscious mind to come up with like a third alternative that feels good to both. That's gonna, you know, take the positive aspects of both those intention, both those, those parts, both those realities. And um, Yeah, it can be quite transformative, eh? And then you go through a process of visualizing, kind of integrating all those parts. And, um, yeah, but the layers of the onion are just never ending. And I think, uh, when we're curious about ourselves and really committed to healing, what we might see as incongruencies or inner conflicts can actually be resolved when we're, when we're still enough, maybe, or give ourselves enough space to To really get into them and under them. And I think curiosity is just such a powerful state to be in too. When we're curious, we just open up so many doors, eh? Yes. You, you mentioned committed to healing and that made me think of like, when people say that they are and yet. They continue not being curious. And I remember different layers for me when I realized that I wasn't open minded to shifting my perspective and my experience. And it was like, I just, now I see it and that I just, um, I had to like almost sit where I was to. Allow it to come to me and for me to then know that I was open to it. But like for so many people that say they're committed to healing and shifting and experiencing a more positive life, but yet nothing's changing because they aren't changing, like what, what, what's happening for the person from your experience? That's not really committed. They say they are, but they're. Their actions aren't meeting. Like they might think that they are, but like it's evident that they're not. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I think underneath that, a lot of the time there's a fear. I think the dominant state is maybe fear underneath that. Um, because we are changing all the time. It's just often people are changing into slightly more sophisticated states of fear. Hmm. Yeah. Okay. Or a lot of people are changing, but they're changing within. A box of sameness, of thinking that they can do their way out of having to actually be. Like, Oh, if I do this, then I'm going to be better. Or if I do that, it's, it's missing the touching into the, putting the being state as the priority and really being honest and raw with yourself around how you're actually being right now. If now is all that really exists, how do I want to be now, now, right now, how do I want to be? If that isn't good, like, people can, I think, and there's a lot about midlife crisis, hey, like, people are, oh, you know, I've got this job that I have always dreamt of, I've got the house, and yet I still feel shitty. And yet, and then they, they jump back into the box of everything they've been taught on how to achieve happiness, and they kind of repeat it, but it's amplified, oh, well, I need a bigger house. Instead of, instead of going, okay, so maybe my attention has been on the wrong aspect of this whole reality, on the doing and having, and doing and sustaining something, you know, instead of actually going, doing, sustaining, being, how am I being? And if I'm being how I want to be, that's going to shape my doing, so I'm more aligned with what I want to sustain. And then when I've got that, how do I want to be being now? And I think there is a lot of fear of going there, which is why I think people get stuck into the, into the kind of wheel. Of like, they're never going to get off the wheel until they can be in the being part of the wheel for long enough to be able to really get into it and go, is this how I want to be? Because everything I create from here, every goal I set, every decision I make from that being state is going to shape what I do, which is going to shape what I have. And if you're never touching into being, then you're, and that's a scary place, which I think it is for a lot of people. I think that's why people get stuck and they, they say they want to heal but they're never willing to go into, into that part of the kind of loop to get off it, if that makes any sense. Yes. Because it is a scary place, it's a place where a lot of things are really raw and you, there's no hiding when you're being, there's plenty of hiding and we've got really good at doing, as a society, we're really, we know how to do shit, we get shit done. Yes. But. Being is a different story for a lot of people, and um, I think this is where a lot of healing can happen, but we still seem to be living in a paradigm where, you know, come to this workshop and you learn how to, you know, the four steps to, to healing, and you can do it now. Anyone can do it. It's like, you get, you keep going forward again and again. I was on that loop. I came to the realization. Six months ago. I am addicted to self development and I had to slow down. I had to be more. I had to sit in space and time and close my eyes and be quiet and be curious. And that's the work. That's the work. That's like where it starts. It's just, Sitting and being, and being uncomfortable'cause it is at first because we wanna move too. Yeah. And when we're in that state of being and we're just being. That's, I think, when we can actually start to, to notice more of what our emotions are reacting to inside. Knowing that all we are is changing and that our state will automatically shift. Pretty much the nervous system can maintain a state for 90 seconds. And if nothing's happening externally, then If you're still and you're quiet, then you suddenly realize I'm creating something inside, which is boost, which is throwing logs on the fire. What's that about? And then if it's in one of the modalities of how we code reality, like, like visual, what am I seeing inside my mind's eye? Um, and how is that affecting my emotional state or what am I hearing? If I'm hearing an inner voice, how is that affecting my emotional state? And if Any aspect of any of those things I change, what changes emotionally for me, what changes in my physiology, what changes in my state when I change something inside. And that's, that's being state. That's not doing any course, that's not doing, doing, doing, that's dipping a toe into that being, realizing that we are. Human beings, not human doings. Mm hmm, mm hmm, mm hmm. And yeah, that in itself is very scary for a lot of people in the, in the, um, who, who reportably kind of are stating that they're on this healing journey. Um, and eventually I think a lot of people get to that place of almost exhaustion of like, oh God, when am I going to actually change? And it's going, Oh, it's, it doesn't have to be so complicated. It can be, it can be as simple as we want it to be and we can complicate it and either way is better. But eventually you're going to get to a point where hopefully you, you are really dedicated enough to be okay with being for long enough to see what's going on inside or hear what's going on inside and feel. What's going on inside and then realizing that what's going on out inside can affect what's going on outside Yeah, community is everything. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I think a lot of people have a fear of taking accountability. Like, if I, I can't blame others, I have to take accountability. And a lot of people don't want to, um, I just had a brain fart. Don't want, and people don't want to go there, I think, because, and also if you look back, um, into the, we kind of look back into what society is like. And how much we're punished as children for, and blamed, and shamed, and there's some really rude. Like, uh, wounds, some core wounds, which a lot of people seem to be carrying around guilt and shame and blame. And it's scary to be accountable. And maybe there's even a nervous system memory of being punished in some way for being accountable for something that's quote unquote negative or make somebody feel bad. And, um, that can be scary. Yeah. It's an interesting point that something could be rooted. Negatively negative with even just the word or the action of accountability from the past, that's really ing. Yeah. And we all have different associations to different words. Yeah. Um, that create a, a cascade of responses. And then it can be like even playing around with the word and, and making it feel better when you say it by replacing a context, even like the word, like anxiety. You can be anxious or you can be anxious to see someone. Mm-Hmm. But community, community is, is so important and I, I think it's, uh, it's very powerful when we become who we walk with in a way. So to be mindful of who we're walking with and knowing that. We're very much energetic beings as well, and if we're picking up the energy of those we're around to be discerning about that challenged and healthy ways and pushing all the best ways into directions of growth, then no matter what midlife crisis we're going through, we're gonna be well supported. And your, your community that you travel with and that you work with is I don't know how many are within, but I'm sure they've all had a beautiful support and influence in the book that you've created, which I'd love for you to share a little bit about. If you're ready, well, um, yeah, we're, um, we've got a pretty awesome community here in New Zealand of medicine people, um, a huge amount of counselors, um, therapists, artists, um, musicians, people from all walks of life, really. I mean, it's incredible healers, um, but people who are curious, people who have for the most part, they've been dedicated to. Looking within and to unpacking their traumas and their issues for a number of years before they find us. I mean, we don't Advertise it's word of mouth and word of mouth only and it's it's growing to be quite a quite a community I'd say more than a thousand people now in this country alone, but we travel as well and it's Really? I mean I heard somebody mentioned the other day. It's like a psychedelic resurgence Happening around the planet. It's almost like the plants are like, all right, guys. All right, humans. Now's the time. Get your shit together. Right? Like coming in. Last you guys off into hyperspace and you're taking too long is his like an accelerator. And, uh, It really does feel like an accelerator for healing and for insight and transformation. Um, and I never actually. Planned on, of course, I don't really plan on much, but I didn't plan on being in the position that I'm in now working so much with this medicine. Um, it was really kind of random how she found me rather than Me finding this beautiful medicine and, um, it was really through a psychic and then he said, Oh, I'm seeing these two plants in your, in your field. And I thought, Oh yeah, I'm interested in that one day it will happen. And then literally like a couple of weeks later, a friend was like, Oh, there's this, this shaman coming. Coming to town, you should think about coming along. And so I did and, and the universe kind of lined it up so that I'm, I'm now living with, uh, you know, my partner has been working with medicines for. More than a decade traveling around, he has indigenous Canadian roots and has always been into like the, the cactus medicines and the music and the drumming and just many years with drumming and African drumming and music healing and just incredible mind and. He's gone through a lot himself and, um, this medicine has been absolutely transformative for him and his entire family. His mum has sat, his sister, you know, it's transformed many kind of threads of his world and, um, I never imagined that I'd be With, with him. It just kind of, again, like, universe kind of just made that shit happen. Completely out of the blue. And I was actually recovering with a broken back at the time that we got together and from connecting with him and moving in with him, I've just been on massive journeys. Um, with this medicine over to Peru and meeting with his teacher, one of his teachers, um, and it's turned into a real, uh, global community. But along these journeys and meeting people, it's become quite clear that there's the one part of this work. That really appeared like, uh, there needed to be a little bit of extra energy put in, especially when you're working with people from the Western world, was around integration and preparation. Like so many people weren't really that well prepared, didn't really know what to expect, probably hadn't done maybe enough. Like digging at the initial top layers to really have the best out of the medicine experience with the plants. So I decided I would write a book on preparation. integration and tie in a whole lot of self reflection, exercises, writing prompts, how to keep doing the work, because the work just begins when you're in ceremony, like that's when you're like, oh, oftentimes anyway, if you haven't sat that much with medicine. It can be quite, quite a big experience and you can leave feeling like the afterglow for a couple of days, like, Oh yeah, I know what I've got to do, I know what I've got to do, and then you put all this pressure on yourself to do it and then inevitably a week later you're like, Oh shit, I haven't done any of the things that I know I've got to do, I feel overwhelmed, where to, nobody understands what I've been through, it's all beyond words, ah, and people freak out. And um, so I just wanted to write a book that's kind of like, the support person. It's like you're carrying this book around with you and you feel like you've got where to go next. Like, okay, so I've seen these childhood traumas and maybe ancestral traumas. Maybe I had these messages and insights and I don't know what they mean and they're a metaphor and how do I go back into that? So this book is like, it's, it's really aiming to be. Like a book therapist, like if you don't necessarily have a therapist who knows about the medicine, it can be kind of hard to connect on that level because they're not going to really get it, but at least you'll have like something that, I want this book to be like, I'm speaking to people. And I want to create a community around it too. So if people need one on one sessions, of course, like I'm going to be there, but also to have like a bit of a forum where people can have that community. Community, as we said, is really important. And with the sessions that we host here, like we always have integration sharing circles afterwards and people are supported in that way. But I know it's not like that for everyone around the world. Especially if you're going to a foreign country, you're flying, and you're having this cathartic experience, this big experience, and then you never see those people again. It's, it's pretty, yeah, that can be really hard. So I want to, Yeah, really create a resource in many different ways and probably do what you guys are doing. Like have maybe a YouTube or podcast or something like that. And um, I have been wanting to do ayahuasca so bad. So I'm booking my flight right now. I'm going to bring my mom with me and we are coming to New Zealand tomorrow. Well come on over. I've seen a lot of, um, like mothers and daughters do it together to heal together, and I think that is so cool. So I think that when I do it, I think I'm gonna have my mom come along with me. That'll be beautiful. Yeah. Well, we'll, we'll definitely keep in touch, eh, and I can let you know the dates and Yeah. Stuff and really heal my relationship, held my, held my relationship with my mother. Absolutely. Yeah. One of my first experiences was, um. I had the opportunity to feel what it was like to be in the womb and at the same time experience all the emotional states and the ups and downs and the fear and the, the whole orchestra of human emotions that my mum was going through while she was pregnant with me. And, um, it was just like a whole new level of just compassion and empathy. And, um, yeah, my mother, you know, she used to trigger me all the time. And now I'm just like, Well, mum's mum, you know, like, I just, I choose now to focus on all the positive aspects and it's, it's really where we direct our attention. We, we amplify and, um, but the medicine has just been transformative and all. Clearing, clearing so many of my, my wounds and traumas and, uh, you know, like being able to revisit memories and, and attach new emotional states onto them. And not to mention the visuals like the animals. I mean, Oh God, when I was in Peru, I just had some amazing experiences with hummingbirds in reality, like in physical reality, but also in the ceremonies, it was just. And then you get into the metaphor and you start getting really curious about, okay, so what is, what is the medicine of the hunting bird? And then suddenly it's like, Oh my God. And there's, there's even more layers to this. And that means that once you open the door, it's, it's incredible. What is the name of your book? Um, it will be called, I'm still kind of contemplating the final name. It's just been accepted by the publishers. Oh, okay. And, um, Yeah, it's probably another five, uh, maybe four months away from being published and available. Can you read it? But it's going to be called something like the ayahuasca guidebook and journal. So it's going to be a niche market, but I think there's enough people around the world at the moment that need it to make it worth publishing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Yes. But I can send you guys a copy of the manuscript and PDF if you want to have a look. Oh yeah. Yeah. That'd be awesome. Please. Yeah. Please. Get you ready. We'll get you guys ready for coming to New Zealand. I guess so. Yeah. I guess I'll have to talk to my mother. Yeah. Oh my God. This will be so cool. I think she's Philipson's mom. Yes. Pardon? I think my mom still listens to the episodes, so. Oh, hi mom. Yeah. Hi mom. Are you ready? Ready for a ride? Hey, if my partner's mom can do it and sister, then. I know my mom's down, she's. Yeah, they're, they're, they're givens. Um, no, but please, Hannah, can you read a passage from your book and share it with us? Please. Sure. Um, let me just find it on my mini tabs that are currently open. I could actually read you, how about the prayer of healing or something like that? There's a few kind of interesting segments. Would you like just like a random chunk around self awareness or would you like something a little bit more poetic? Yeah. Hmm. Let's go. Oh, man. Why do you have to give me options? I want to hear it all. Um, it's too long, babes. Too long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go. Self awareness. Self awareness. Okay. Let me just find the self awareness bit then. Alright, so here's an excerpt from the book and as soon as you said self awareness it's literally under the title that is self awareness 101 which is near the beginning of the book. So being our best selves requires us to be in the driver's seats of our lives. Gaining self awareness is a key that can help us to unlock insights. Important insights that can open us up, help us to develop better presence, active engagement, and empowerment in our lives. With self awareness, we can choose to act rather than react. We can set boundaries and take responsibility. Knowing ourselves means that we can consciously lead ourselves and others through life's challenges and constant changes. Awareness is a foundation and pillar for personal growth, well being, and the well being of those around us. This huge task of getting to know and understand ourselves can feel confronting. It takes a willingness to be vulnerable, to see and feel our own darkness in our shadows. It requires courage, bravery, and honesty. If we look within, and look with sincere honesty, seeking to understand our deep unconscious, and the many layers that make us who we are, we can see quite quickly, just why the inner work is very important, and yet often avoided. Sometimes this work is avoided until we hit rock bottom, getting real with ourselves, can get somewhat uncomfortable. As we often see within ourselves, some aspects of our inner landscape that challenge the ideal identity we wish to embody, the way we want others to see us. Of course it's much more comfortable to remain blind and to wear a mask. Many of us walking this path, seeking to go deeper within, have experienced some kind of trauma. We might have a reoccurring issue in our lives or carry a disturbing personal behavior we want to change. We are generally not looking to take plant medicines as a recreational experience. Many of us have suffered due to the actions of others. Sometimes those who were supposed to take care of us cause the greatest harm. If this is you, you're not alone. Most of us who have experienced trauma have told our stories countless times, hoping that talking with a therapist will help us leave the past in the past. Finding an experienced integrative or holistic therapist who can skillfully hold space and truly listen without judgement is a powerful step towards healing, and why I recommend working with a healer or therapist of some kind. But sharing our support stories in a supportive space is important. Crying, feeling emotions fully, and releasing what needs to be released with words is healing, to a point. But there is a point where revivifying our negative experience no longer serves us, unless we get desired attention or special treatment, which can of course, Be unconscious yet understandable and perfectly legitimate. When we tell these old stories repeatedly with the same emotion that we felt at the time of the event or events that occurred, we can bring them to life in the brain over and over again. The brain re experiences these moments as if they are now, and we carve out deeper and deeper neural pathways around our story. Luckily, we can always heal. It is never too late to move forward towards empowerment. We can change the impact. And nature of memories with simple practices that I'll go into later in this book. Um, is that enough of the book? Oh, that's awesome. It's kind of just like a little bit of an intro bit, but yeah, it goes into, it goes way deeper. Ah. But you kind of get the idea. Yes. Yes, please send that immediately. Immediately. Now. Now. Consider it done. Wave your wand and send it to the ether. I will magic that to you now. Thank you. Wow, it's been so Like you are, you've been such a light in my life and I mean, it's so cool how we were introduced to each other and when the time and space that it all occurred and that life has happened and then we regroup and we come back together and we catch up and it's like, it's so far out where I met you and where you are now. And I just, I love to see your growth and expansion and your contribution to the world. It's awesome. Just awesome. Aww. Thanks Court. Yeah. Oh, it's amazing, eh, how um, you can have these friends that you've, and like I truly think of you as a friend, like, and it's, we live in this crazy ass world where technology can be either, Terrible or awesome. And I think, again, it's like where we place our belief and intention and attention. And if we're going to focus on the positive aspects of technology that exists, whether we like it or not, then we can really amplify that. And, um, yeah, I'm, I'm eternally grateful to Facebook and I never thought I'd ever say those words in my life. You mean because Facebook as shit as it can be, can also be used for. Nurturing awesome connections like the ones that we have and um, I really value your friendship and thank you for this opportunity. Thank you both of you for giving me this opportunity to rant and rave and sound like a crazy person today. I fully appreciate it. We love your craziness. We're on board with you and you're all of the, the crazies out there that are Growing and expanding and taking all the world, being one. Welcome to the quantum. Welcome to the quantum. Yeah. Yeah. And this is it like you don't even need to be physically present because energetically we're right next to each other, right? That's right. And uh, there is so much more to communication and, um, presence than the physical. Especially when you look at, at, at a cell. I mean, look at a human cell. There's more space than matter in there. Yeah. When I learned that I, it blew my mind wide open. Yeah. It's, it's like infinite, like infinite, infinite possibilities. Limitless. We can connect. We can connect just like we're in the same room and we're on different sides of the world and different seasons. I mean, how wild is that? So flipping wild. I love it. I love it too. I love, I love it. Thank you. Can't wait to see you guys in person and give you both awesome big hugs. And we'll have our moms with us. Yeah. Mom and daughter hugs. Yeah. This is going to be amazing. It's going to happen and it's going to be beautiful. It is happening. It's already happened. Didn't think of what it has already happened. On some timeline. It's already there. It's happening now. Yes. Wave our wand and jump into it. Absolutely. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Love you. Love you guys. See you guys soon in New Zealand. See you sooner than later. If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you either just appreciate our messy, awkward life experiences, or you're truly up for finding more magic in your life like we are. Definitely tune in every Sunday for more reality shifts that we explore between us and with many special guests that join. If you feel it, please subscribe so you don't miss your seat on our magical earth school bus. Your experience with this show really means a lot to us. So we want to genuinely welcome you to leave an honest review. Your voice matters exactly how it is. You can follow us on social media, check the show notes, and if you really want to get in the action, send us a message directly through our email. We'll connect with you next week.