Episode 3 - Coaching & The NLP Communications Model

In this podcast episode, Kylie Roberts and Mel Wombwell of SHIFT  unlimited discuss the volatile and complex nature of the modern world and the necessity for a redefined interpretation of success.  

They delve deep into the foundations for Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and coaching, discussing how the human brain filters the world and shapes our perceptions and responses. The episode explores the five frames of NLP and coaching, which are cause and effect, results or reasons, perception is projection, responsibility for results, and mind-body connection.  

Tune into this podcast episode to understand and incorporate these frameworks to enable you to create stronger connections with others, improve relationships and impactful leadership. 

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00:00 Introduction to SHIFT unlimited and the Podcast 

00:10 The New Normal and the Need for Change 

00:40 Introduction to the Podcast Series 

01:23 Deep Dive into NLP and Coaching Communications Model 

01:40 Understanding Perception and Experience 

03:23 The Importance of Treating People as They Want to be Treated 

03:49 The Power of Perception and Interpretation 

05:26 Exploring the Frames of NLP and Coaching 

06:04 The Power of Cause and Effect 

08:16 Results or Reasons: The Choice is Yours 

09:24 Perception is Projection: Understanding the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy 

10:29 Taking Responsibility for Your Results 

13:39 The Mind-Body Connection: The Key to Holistic Coaching 

15:56 Conclusion: The Power of NLP Frames in Coaching and Leadership

Please find all images mentioned in this episode available HERE

Transcript

0:00

Hi, I'm Kylie Roberts and I'm Mel Womwell, and we are Shift Unlimited. We are both qualified executive coaches, coach supervisors, and trainers of NLP and coaching. The world is a volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous place. Every day we wake up to a new surprise. Uncertainty is chronic. Instability is permanent. And disruption is common. This is the new normal. The game has changed. It's time to rip up the old rulebook. It's time to define success differently. A shift is happening. The shift is unlimited. We need leaders to live more purposeful lives and to lead more impactful businesses. In this podcast series, we will be doing a deeper dive into many facets of living and leading in this modern world from founder to scale up right through to leaders of global established organizations. We will explore how we can be more holistic and authentic as we connect more deeply with ourselves, our relationships with others, and the wider world. In this podcast series, we'll engage in conversation together on topics that support the modern leader. We have one wild, precious life to make change for good. And whilst change is daunting, so is staying the same. Let's begin.

kylie_3_01-22-2024_103228: 1:27

Hello everyone and welcome to this podcast where we talk all things coaching and leadership. In this episode, we'll take a deeper dive into the frames that are the foundations for coaching and NLP. Let's start with the NLP and Coaching communications model. We've got an image that we want to share with you. Mel, do you want to pick up from here?

Track 1: 1:51

so we live our lives in our head. I'll explain a bit more about that in a moment. What it means is we all experience the world differently. The thing about our brains is we have 2 million or more bits of information hitting it every second, and we can't possibly process all of that information that's going on. In fact, we can process consciously about seven. Plus or minus two bits of information every second. So what that means is as things are happening around us and it's hitting our senses, we filter it through our memories, decisions we've made, whether something's good or bad, right or wrong, the language that we are using, programs that we have running, and we'll more about that in another podcast. The event that is happening has been filtered through those things. We get an image in our heads, what we call an internal representation. That internal representation, whether it's good or bad, will affect our state, our state. So how we're feeling affects our physiology and all of that affects our behavior and our results. So an example of this is when we are working with clients, Kylie and I ask. And just capture the image that comes into their heads when we say the word flower. And every time we ask that question, people get such varied images in their heads. Some people get a bag of flower, other people get roses or daisies, meadows of flowers, the flowers in their garden, their garden, all sorts of different things. And it's just reinforcing this fact that we experience the world so very differently. So many of us were told as children, treat people the way you want to be treated. Actually, we need to change that now to treat people the way they want to be treated. We all respond to different situations based on our previous life experiences, and the more we understand the other person, their thinking, their life experiences, the more we can treat them the way they wanna be treated. Did you have anything else to add to that Kylie?

kylie_3_01-22-2024_103228: 3:57

I am just agreeing. It's absolutely vital that, we don't make any assumptions on I think is definitely the way everyone else must be thinking because we simply, we simply aren't, even when we have one word like flower, so many different images of flowers come into the room.

Track 1: 4:17

And the funny thing about this as well is we do different things as we filter. So we can delete information, we can distort information, or we generalize information, and that is another way in which things are filtered and interpreted. So it's very differently by which I find fascinating. An example of this is when we are looking everywhere for our keys, because we're desperate to go out and we can't find them anywhere. And when we finally look, they're just there in front of us. We've deleted them. Or an example of distortion is when we maybe were younger and we were lying in bed on our own, maybe our parents had left and we were on our own for the night, all grown up. And suddenly we hear these noises and we're. Wondering what's going on, if there's people lurking around the house, only to realize that it's the heating coming on and it's the pipe water in the pipes. That's another example of distortion. Do you have any examples of generalization that you can share that would bring it bit more to home? Kylie?

kylie_3_01-22-2024_103228: 5:14

I was just thinking of one actually. I was thinking how all beaches are warm and sunny, and quite often when I go to beach in Cornwall, I'm totally underdressed for like the wind and the rain and, and the weather. So, yeah, that's a generalization that I very regularly make.

Track 1: 5:36

When we talk about the frames of NLP and coaching, what we're talking about is the things that frame it, that underpin it, that apply to every aspect of coaching, every aspect of communication, almost every aspect of leadership. So it's the foundations, the bits that when we hold them. To be true and real and we keep them front of mind when we're doing the work we're doing, then everything hangs much better together. So I'll share the first one and then maybe Kylie can pick up the second one. So the first frame is the frame of cause and effect. And if you imagine that's a formula with cause on one side and effect on the. The premise here is that we can choose to be on one side of our life or the other. We can choose to live at cause in our life, or we can choose to live at effect in our life when we sit at cause. It's a more difficult place to sit because we are taking a hundred percent responsibility for everything that happens in our life. Everything that's good, everything that doesn't go quite so well. Everything past. And future. And when we talk about this with our clients, sometimes there can be some resistance to that because people say, well, I can't affect the external events that happen in my life. So if someone's driving badly and they crash into me, I, I can't affect that. And yes, we are all subject to external events that happen in our life, and yet we can choose how we respond to them. We can choose our part to play in anything that happens and how we choose to respond to it. The thing about living at cause is it means we are empowered. We hold the power to our lives when we live at effect. It's like the world is doing things to us. And we are not in control anymore of our lives, of what's going on. And the thing about that is we give our power away. We give our power away to the people or the events around us, and we become victims of circumstances, rather orchestrators of our own lives. So this concept of cause and effect is incredibly powerful. Instead of blaming circumstances or things that happen, we can say, what can I do about this? How can I change what's happening? And also, when we're working with our clients, we can help them to take responsibility for their lives and take responsibility for making something shift and change to make their lives for the better.

kylie_2_01-22-2024_111104: 8:26

The second frame of NLP and coaching is results or reasons. We either get the results that we want or we make reasons or excuses for why we aren't getting the results that aren't. So we can either choose to live in a place of results where we own it and we make things happen. Or we can choose to live in the place of reasons and excuses, which is much more of a, self pity and a victim place to be. So if we choose to live into the place of reasons, we give away our power. We blame the market, we blame the economy, we blame other people for what's happening in our business or what's happening in our life. For example, in Covid, some businesses took a really long time to adapt to hybrid working and others just pivoted quickly and made for an agile working environment. So results or reasons is the second frame of NLP and coaching. The third frame.

Track 1: 9:34

Perception is projection. And this picks up on the communications model we were just talking about. So we know from that model that we can delete, distort, or generalize information. So we pretty much create. The, and the stories that are going in on our heads, and we use that world outside. So if, for example. Then pretty much we will manifest everything going wrong and people not being helpful. And we almost get it as a self-fulfilling prophecy because when we are angry, we tend to look angry. When we look angry, people tend to avoid us. So it's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. So the great thing about having this frame is if perception is projection, you always use the term Kylie, if you can spot it, you've got it. So if we can see something out there that is. Annoying us or not great. Instead of pointing the finger outside, it's good to just ask the question, where and when do I do that? Perception is projection.

kylie_2_01-22-2024_111104: 10:39

And the fourth one is responsibility for results. a coach, a leader, a parent, or a friend, they can all be there to support you, but you are the only person that can make change happen for you. So you are the one that you are waiting for. There's this great story, that you've probably heard before about, a person and a flood. So a flood happens and they're to their God and they're waiting for their prayers to be answered. And then a person comes along with a ladder to help, that. Person who's stranded in their house with the flood happening around them comes along with the ladder, and the one who's stranded is like, no, no, I'm fine. I'm waiting. And then another person comes along in a boat in the flooded waters, like, jump in, we'll save you. It's like, no, no. I'm waiting. And so the person's still praying. The person's still waiting, and then a helicopter comes and it's like, come on, we'll help you grab onto the rope and we'll save you. It's like, no, no, I'm waiting. And then the person who was in the flood arrives at the pearly gates at the end of their life and they accuse their God of like, you did not answer my prayers. And the response was, well, I sent a ladder. I sent a boat, I sent a helicopter. What more? you want me to do? So really, if you, adopt this frame, you are the one that is responsible for the changes happening in your life. a great saying, if you haven't set your own goals, you will be a part of somebody else's. In coaching, the only person responsible for change happening is the person being coached. So if you're the leader or if you are the coach, your role is to create the right environment to inspire and to liberate change. But really the action and all of the change rests on the client and the coachee themselves. I was in a seminar, early days in my career, and Mel and I were sharing this story and we were like, oh, we both, we had different early careers, so didn't meet each other in the, our early careers, but we both had a very similar experience. So I was in a seminar and the, at the end of the seminar, the person who was leading it lit a candle and put it on the table in front of the room, and it was a lecture theater full of people. And the facilitator said. Your mind is very strong, very, very strong. If everybody concentrates on this flame and wills it to extinguish, it could happen. So let's see if everyone in the room can just really focus on this candle flame and will it to extinguish. So we will all there like eyes laser focused and looking at this flame, willing it to extinguish and nothing happened and the facilitator came up and went. Just blew the, the flame out and said, you can think about it all you like, it's action that is gonna make it happen. that's responsibility for results.

Track 1: 13:49

And then the final one is one very close to our hearts, isn't it? The mind body connection. And this one is why Kylie and I believe so much in holistic. Coaching. Coaching the whole person all of their life, not just one particular aspect of it. Because everything is so interconnected. We both have T-shirts that say on the back as above, so below as within, so without as the universe. So the soul, everything's so very connected. And from the N head that we shared earlier, the communications model, you can see that. As we experience the world, it affects our internal picture, our representation, our state, and that affects our body language and we can use body language to affect our mind. So it's very helpful if we're feeling a bit so and sluggish to go outside for a walk. Really clear our heads, mind, body connection, everything interconnected. So. One of the things, again, I think we both had this happen to us where we were at a particular seminar and the person said, I wanna show you just how, just how real and connected everything can be. So they said, shut your eyes for a moment and imagine you are holding a lemon in your hand. And now take that lemon, smell it, smell that lovely citrus aroma. It on a board in front of you very carefully. Pick up a knife. It's a sharp knife, so be careful. And then cut that lemon in half and then cut it in quarters. Now pick up a quarter of that lemon. Put it to your mouth and take a massive bite. And then they said, how many of you are salivating or have kind of got, because the lemon was so sour. So we can visualize things and make them happen. Things can happen in our body and it can change our state mind body connection. So one of the reasons why Kylie and I are both real advocates of sport health and wellbeing, yoga, and really being connected into our body and our breath. So those are the frames of NLP there. A starter or how everything kind of, if we, if we believe them and bring them into everything that we're doing, as we're working as a leader, as a coach, then those premises can help us to be really successful in our connections with others, in our relationships, with others, in our results, in our life. All of that. Anything you wanted to add, Kylie, on the frames or the NLP head?

kylie_2_01-22-2024_111104: 16:33

Just to reiterate everything that you've said, and also you and I have often said that of all the things in coaching and NLP, these frames. If there's one thing that we could pick that would truly, if we held true, it would truly change lives. It's these frames of NLP and I think that we still very strongly believe that as well. So that is the end of this episode where we've talked about the NLP and coaching communications model, how much information we receive in any given moment, and that we have to delete, distort, and generalize to make sense of the world. And that one single word like flower. Can have very different, internal representations on every single person, so we should never assume that we know what somebody else is. Thinking the power of coaching is to get beneath the surface so we can really understand what someone is thinking. And then these frames, these five frames of NLP, we've got, the first frame, which is cause and effect. The second one, results for reasons. The third one, perception is projection. The fourth one, responsibility for results. And the fifth one, mind body connection. We'll see you in the next episode.