EP 11: How To Break Free Of The Wants, Needs Of Others & Be In Self-Care To YOU!

Ever felt like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders?

Well, they say, you're not alone.

I'm here to guide you through a riveting journey of self-discovery and liberation. Joined by my incredible coach, Tiffany Largie, we tread on the rocky terrain of societal and ancestral burdens that many women, especially those of minority backgrounds, often bear. Listen in and reflect on my personal journey of breaking free from these weights. It's a path that took me from the sunny coasts of Florida to the charming landscapes of North Carolina, all while discovering my identity as a black business owner and learning to prioritize personal contentment over familial expectations.

Ever caught yourself confusing what you want with what you need? Don't worry, many of us have, especially when it comes to self-care. In our enriching discussion, Tiffany and I delve into this intricacy. We talk about the importance of recognizing and fulfilling our desires, and how sometimes, what feels like an indulgence might just be the self-care we need. The journey of self-care is not a selfish one, it's necessary to become our best self. And sometimes, all it takes is a mirror in your home as a tool of recognition and affirmation.

The cherry on top of this enlightening discussion is an engrossing conversation with Cheron Hamner. We discuss the immense potential of social media not just as a tool for connectivity, but also for personal and entrepreneurial growth. As we explore my experiences with my website and social media platforms, remember, the universe rewards those who take action.

Remember, success is all about releasing burdens, aligning wants with needs, and staying focused on the goal. 

So gear up, let's begin this journey of self-discovery and liberation together.

Thank you for listening to "This Is Some Crazy Sh*T" with Cheron Hamner.

To connect with Cheron: CLICK HERE

Connect with Cheron on her social platforms:
Instagram
Facebook

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

I'm super excited about today's episode because I had the opportunity to sit down with my coach, tiffany Largi, and we discussed how so many opportunities are available to us as women once we get focused on our goals and release the burdens that everyone has placed upon us. Checked out this episode you are listening to. This is some crazy shit with Sharon Hamner. This podcast is for you if you are tired of living day to day, feeling unfulfilled, you are frustrated and you are doing too much with no return. This is for you if you are ready to take charge of your life, if you are ready to let go of managing other people's insecurities and their expectations and live life your way. Here we have dope conversations about saving yourself, so we can get off these street corners and stop waiting for Captain Saviour Ho. You ready? Let's go, because this is some crazy shit.

Speaker 2: 1:08

We have so much weight and we don't even realize it. You know, as you were talking and I was listening to you earlier I was thinking to myself the average woman, specifically a black woman, they're carrying so much weight. They don't, they have no clue that they're carrying that weight, because everyone before us just carried weight and it's the norm, and it's expected, and it's everybody's doing it. So why would we want, desire or demand something else? But the truth is that you carry so much weight and then you, sometimes you just can't move. Sharon, is it just me or is it like the average woman is just walking around numb and doesn't even realize it and it's because of the weight she's carrying?

Speaker 1: 1:56

Absolutely like you said, we don't even know how much stuff we're carrying. We carrying our ancestors stuff on our back. We've got all of our stuff. We got our mom stuff and a lot of times we are just moving so slow because we got too much stuff with us that we keep dragging and dragging and dragging.

Speaker 2: 2:20

You know, you said something. I didn't even want to cut you off, but you said something. You said your mom stuff that's real and you feel like we just carry this stuff because we're supposed to carry this stuff, or you feel like we just carry it because we don't know no better we don't know any better.

Speaker 2: 2:36

I feel like that's it. We just don't even know no better, because none of them knew any better. And it's like you know, I remember so many times we're just trying to I don't want to use the word get ahead. I feel like it's like breathe, I feel like it's like get from underwater so many times trying to get from underwater and moving slow. And then I look to my left, to my right, and I want to say my counterparts but I'll just say other women for the sake of this and it looks like they're moving so much faster than I am, and then I found myself getting frustrated and feeling less than, and then I get to a place of not feeling worthy enough. And then you have this perpetual cycle. You feel like it's possible to actually break the cycle.

Speaker 1: 3:22

For sure, it's definitely possible.

Speaker 2: 3:24

Did you did? Did you just develop that like in the last couple of years thing, or did you go, you go, oh no, for the last 20 years, because I feel like for me it was like like 28 days ago. I'm serious.

Speaker 1: 3:34

I'm serious. Well, every day is a learning experience to break the cycle. I don't think that it can just happen overnight because, like it's just years and years of reprogramming. That has to happen like within your, your, your mind, and then actually taking action and erasing and rewriting those programs, just as, like you would do an upgrade to a computer you would have to like, get rid of, clear the cache, the memory, all of that. You went hardcore on that Wait a second.

Speaker 1: 4:09

We're clearing cookies here we gotta clear the cookies, because we have to tell ourselves a different story of what we're trying to do, but versus what we've been told that how, what we need to do, how we need to behave and just to keep everything copa static and just not ruffle any feathers.

Speaker 2: 4:31

You know, I was thinking myself as you were talking. I feel the number one reason that I don't know if it's minorities I'm not sure what that word is, but it's almost like a guilt that we carry with us for our parents, and it's something I don't see in everybody on the planet. I see it specifically in minority people. I wanted to say black women, but I tell you I I know that I can think of Hispanic men, I can think of other cultures, who they're every day they wake up and they're in this generation, at this time they're, they're living their life, they're seeing opportunities, especially at this age. We have access to the internet, you know, at a way that people could only dream of. But the weight, the guilt, the responsibility of our parents is like a parent, parent, grandmother, whatever you want to call it, is right in front of us, but it becomes a stumbling block for us in ways that we can't even see. I know that's it for me. I was just telling you yesterday how I was selling my business. So, back in 2010, I moved from Florida to North Carolina to build an even bigger business. I had built a multiple six figure business in Florida, but it was really a hustle. That's the truth. It was just a big ass hustle. So I get to North Carolina because I hear this low market share in an industry, but I don't know that I'm black and I move there. I don't have no clue that I'm black. I'll tell you. My ass learned I was black on March 5th of 2010. I'm going to tell you right now. And if there was and if there, I wish that I could there was phones and things for me to capture my journey. But inside of this state, I built a multiple seven figure business. It took me four years to really refine. I own a business and what it is to own a company was a brick and mortar business. But I hit about 1.2 million in my first year and and I was proud of that.

Speaker 2: 6:26

But 2013 and 14, I needed to start owning the fact like it was hard for me. I would end, I would close the door at night, but I would go home and I would be in tears or it was just hard to be alive, and I think the the fairest word is because it was lonely and because I had all of the culture behind me and the expectations and the responsibility. So in 2014, I got this bright idea that I was going to sell the company. Now the truth is, we were poised to do like 10 more million dollars. I had just gone to Xerox, who was one of my business partners, just had this big week meeting with them telling them I was going to do 10 million dollars in five years and for me I was an anomaly, like I was one of three black women, I think, in the North America continent and I remember when I went to sell my business, when I started talking about it, my whole family extended family was like what are you doing?

Speaker 2: 7:24

And me saying I'm not happy. They were like who cares? You know? Like suck this shit up. Like nobody cared about the fact that I was not happy, fulfilled, you want to be filled. Like what are you talking about? You have an opportunity to make money. You need to sit down and do this. We have invested in you and so we are expecting XYZ now. I don't want to paint a picture and say that they only invested in me so I can give them a return. That's not fair. But I remember feeling like the only reason why I wouldn't make the move was to make all the other people happy. Isn't that the story of our lives. Yes, I totally get that.

Speaker 2: 8:01

Like I wouldn't make the move, I wouldn't do the thing, I wouldn't move forward, I wouldn't move my physical state, like I wouldn't move from North Carolina to the next place because I need to keep everybody happy, so I'm going to suffer while everybody else is okay. Why is that? I?

Speaker 1: 8:15

don't know, but that is so weird that we do that, and sometimes we don't really know it because the voices are, they're just silent. Whispers in our ears that um no, you don't need to do that. You need to stay right here and be safe.

Speaker 2: 8:34

Is it safe or like just make everybody keep, like keep the peace. I think um keeping the peace. I think it's keeping the peace. I think safe is like second, but I think it's keeping the peace, because you're like I just can't be bothered.

Speaker 2: 8:47

Exactly I think it's keeping the peace. So when I saw my business, I get all of the biggest backlash on the planet. You know, people hate me. I think that everybody's going to be happy for me. Um, I didn't sell my business at this huge profit. I wasn't, you know, on the front cover, for it was nothing like that actually but I sell my business. I have 15 employees at the time and it is very painful for me to do so, but I knew that I was dying inside and I wasn't dying cause I was burned out. It was just dying for whatever reason.

Speaker 2: 9:14

Fast forward, I remember the first time that I made a decision to choose me, like I, like at some point we have to choose ourselves. You know, like at some point we have to choose us. Like we all can't drown, and I carried the guilt of feeling like I had let everybody down, but it was like I'm either going to let everybody down or I'm just going to die in these streets. Uh, you know, one of the reasons why I wanted to even talk to you and be a part of what you were doing was specifically for this. I read the intro. I was listening to the intro of your podcast and I was like holy mother of Johnson, I wrote this down so I get this right. Let me clear my throat for this. Here we have dope conversations about saving yourself so we can get off these street corners and stop waiting for Captain Saviho.

Speaker 2: 10:09

You know, when I heard that, I was like, oh my gosh, this woman gets it Cause the truth is that we are always waiting for someone else to come and give us the answer. That was it. When I saw the company, I was like no one's coming to save me. I'm going to die right here in these streets trying to make everybody else happy and at some point you have to say it's either you or me. I feel like that's the thing that black women don't do. I feel like that's the thing that women don't do, but I feel like that's the thing that black women don't do. They don't go. It's you or me. Right, because it's you or me to everybody, your children your spouse.

Speaker 2: 10:47

I know I said a word and I know someone out there is like I can't believe. She said it's her, her children, it's you or you we're not both going to be saved. And it's extended family. It's church oh God, is it church? It's church and the pastor and everybody living in usherland. It's children, it's spouses, it's people we're dating and it's like at some point you have to make a choice. How did you make that choice? I always get curious, because I know that you've accomplished some of the coolest things on the planet and you never even talk about it, and that's why I love you so much. I told you I always tell you about that Facebook picture that I'm like I just I haven't saved on my own phone. I want you to know that. Oh my God, what Y'all don't know about this bodybuilder in our indie streets, what? Listen, once I saw that, I was like At some point we have to choose one or two and I'm gonna choose number one, but my question to you is how, how?

Speaker 1: 11:45

well, choosing myself didn't start with bodybuilding, but it started making small decisions, as, for instance, I remember a time where I would go to the store with my my daughter, and I was specifically Looking for something for myself. And of course she would be like, oh well, can I get this and can I get that? And I would get to the, to the cash register With nothing for her, but for everything that. I came in the store and I would start having conversations with myself Saying, oh, sharon, you deserve this, you need this for you and you have to do things for yourself. Yes, and you can't always do, you know, for your daughter, you have to do things for yourself. And I had to give myself permission To buy that shirt that I needed to wear to work. And then I started training her that, yeah, every time we go to the store, we're not here for you.

Speaker 2: 12:44

We're not here for you. Yeah, my life don't revolve around you exactly. No, you're a part of my life. Yeah, that part, mm-hmm, you're a part of my life. Let me ask you something. You said the word that I Needed. Is it fair to say that it could also be like that you wanted?

Speaker 1: 13:02

No, I would buy out of need and Recently I'm learning how to get myself permission to get things out of want tell me what's the difference for you between needing and wanting for a woman.

Speaker 1: 13:19

For a woman is is Needing it, is like you. You have to have it in order for something else to happen, and that's basically for somebody else, and and and wanting it is for self gratification, and that's definitely a skill that we have to learn, because we are taught to give ourselves away To other people versus satisfying ourselves, and that goes from clothes, cars, how you, how you feel about your body, mm-hmm and everything.

Speaker 2: 14:05

Personal development. Yes, you know, um, let me, I, you know, I feel like I, you and I don't know how you're gonna feel about this, but I feel like there is a very fine line for me between need and want. I do, and I didn't start out like this, mmm, but In this idea of me serving myself, I Realize that my wants were tied to my needs. Stay with me, because If I crave or want the thing, then that's the thing I need. I get that and that need is going to help me be stronger. And so, as, even as I was listening to, I'm like, yes, you're right, there are two different categories, but a lot of my wants and my desires, though they might be selfish, are the things that this person needs, this soul needs, this vessel needs in order to be her utmost self, so that she can do all the other things. So they become actually like a need, mm-hmm, you know, and it's like, if I Like, I feel like my number one problem before was just lacking want and lacking desire, mm-hmm, and and in going, okay, well, if I just make $3,000 a month and I'm gonna be good, I take care of all my bills and I do, but it doesn't allow me to take care of my wants, and without me taking care of my wants, I still feel like I'm left out, I'm less than and I'm not serving myself.

Speaker 2: 15:34

Yeah, for example, I, for me, my nails need to be done, like they need to be done all the time, and I say that even like right now. If you can see, I don't have my nails painted, but my nails are done and these are my actual, real nails. In the last two weeks I have gone to have my nails repaired. I pay $6 for someone else's nails. I pay $6 for someone to glue powder, dip right, because when I tear them and I'm breaking them, I know it sounds crazy, but, but, but that for me, is a Want, that's a need. I want to have nails that look like this. I Don't need to have nails. I want to have nails, but I need them because of the role that I play, which is Tiffany Larky.

Speaker 1: 16:25

That makes sense, that makes total sense.

Speaker 2: 16:28

So it's like yes, I know we shouldn't be spending the money I hear you and all the things but I need to have my nails repaired. Six times three nails. It was $18. Yes, you get what I'm saying, though that was almost a full set.

Speaker 2: 16:41

That was almost a full set. I feel like if more women were to lean into their wants and their desires and accept the fact that they're actually their needs. I feel like that's the thing that holds us back, because if we spend this whole time in this whole life just taking care of our needs, then eventually we will live a life where we've paid all the bills, we're out of debt, right Right. We have two beautiful shoes, or four beautiful shoes and two purses, like.

Speaker 2: 17:23

One of the things that I adore most about you is that you're a woman to be desired. Every time I look at you, you're beautiful, thank you. But you also have dope hair all the time. Your nails are always on deck. They're not just nice like everybody else's, they're not just a set like everybody else's. It's always the kind of stuff that I'm like how the hell did she do that? Does anybody know how she did this? Does anybody have anybody know? And the truth is that it makes me want to lean more in for myself. How do we lean more in for ourselves? Where does taking care of our outside, paying attention to our inside, play a role in just leaning into ourselves?

Speaker 1: 18:10

Well, I feel like you have to make yourself a priority being behind a chair. I get a lot of people who may come in for hair services just for a special occasion they're going on vacation. They got a wedding to go to, but meanwhile, during their day to day, they're looking a mess and I have to wonder-.

Speaker 2: 18:38

So I repeat that they are looking a mess. I put a period after that Period and let's just sit here. They're looking a mess.

Speaker 1: 18:45

What is that about? I don't know, because my thing is I want to know how many mirrors do you have in your house?

Speaker 2: 18:53

You know what you know. A few people were not ready for Chiron. Chiron said you don't have mirrors in your house, the hell kind of house you live in. She's like you all, little Listen. They walk out there like they got dressed in the dark Right, like you don't see what you look like. What the hell wrong with you?

Speaker 1: 19:08

Right.

Speaker 2: 19:09

I know that's right. I know that's right. She's like y'all don't have no mirrors in your house and you have the nerve to come into my shop looking like that and you want me to fix it.

Speaker 1: 19:20

Man, listen, and they do want me to fix it, and they want me to create miracles upon miracles, like a magician.

Speaker 2: 19:28

Yes, and you're like you're crazy. You are crazy. Yes, yeah, you know this might be my favorite, my favorite conversation of the month. I think it's disrespectful to look a mess during the day. I, like you, talk about a pet peeve of mine. The truth is getting dressed already for the wedding, for the funeral, for the special occasion, the six days, four days out of the year, and then you're looking like a mess the rest of the year. That's more than a problem.

Speaker 1: 20:04

It is a problem.

Speaker 2: 20:05

It's half of the reason why you don't have the relationship, why you're not making the money you want, why you don't have the friends you want to have, why you don't get opportunities, what people are passing you by because you passed yourself by.

Speaker 1: 20:19

Exactly.

Speaker 2: 20:21

How am I going to see you if you can't even see yourself? Shiran says I'm looking for the quote. That's like where the hell are your? How many mirrors you have in your house? You know what. You know what that should be like a shirt or something.

Speaker 2: 20:32

How many mirrors do you have? Right, I'm sure you're right. This idea that we can be cared for, that we can get to the next level just because it's there, without the effort or the work, I feel is ridiculous. It is, it's absolutely absurd. Tell me when you think of, like the three or four things that have to be in place for a woman to get to the next level, like starting today.

Speaker 1: 21:02

The conversation that you are having with yourself has got to be one where you are your biggest cheerleader, where you're big up in yourself every single day Did you guys hear that word.

Speaker 2: 21:16

She said Hold on wait, y'all heard that word. You, big up, y'all are not even ready for this word. Let's rewind.

Speaker 1: 21:23

That's a big girl word I love this, having some type of affirmation for yourself and to cheer yourself on before you even get out of the bed and encouraging yourself say, shirine, you got this, you are incredible, you were made for this, whatever that is for you, before you even tend to somebody else's needs.

Speaker 2: 21:51

Like serve yourself first. I get that Number two.

Speaker 1: 22:04

Have goals and write them down. That's very important Because a lot of times, as women, we can overthink things and think that things are not possible. When I am out here on social media and I see the things that are gaining attention, I'm like anything is possible. Anything is possible.

Speaker 2: 22:30

Yeah, anything is possible. You remember me talking about the woman who was selling farts.

Speaker 1: 22:40

No.

Speaker 2: 22:41

Oh my gosh, I have to show you this article. Women is making 160,000 dollars a year selling farts. I'm dead serious when you say that she took her looks and decided woman. I have to look it up right now so that I can tell you the exact number. No joke. So EL is the one who brought this to my attention. He literally was like anything is possible. Here is a picture of the woman.

Speaker 1: 23:07

Okay, beautiful.

Speaker 2: 23:09

She sells farts in a jar and then people buy them. I want you to really understand for the woman who's like. I'm not confident. I don't know if people like me, I don't know if she makes 200,000 dollars, she made 200,000. Stop that's ridiculous.

Speaker 2: 23:34

You see, take a moment. Take a moment to get this in your system and we're messing around going. I don't know if I can. Yeah, I don't know if I'm worth anything. I'm not sure if I think about that and that's what like a six ounce jar. I hate you for that. That's a six ounce glass jar. I despise you for quantifying it. I despise you for that. Adult content creator and 90 day fiance star, stephanie Mato, was so committed to the business she sent herself to the ER, but she did it. 200,000 dollars farting in jars.

Speaker 1: 24:14

So do we get a video with this jar?

Speaker 2: 24:15

You know what? I cannot fool with you. We are not old enough for this conversation, but my purpose in showing you this was literally to highlight anything is possible. We look at the situation we're in and we're like, okay, how do I get out of it? We think that it's a strategy, it's acquiring something, it's going to church and actually it's all just us. Right, like it's us. It's dealing with ourselves. Yes, you said number one, number two, number three. What's number three? Next thing that she needs to do, number three, after she writes it down.

Speaker 1: 24:58

After she writes it down Make one move.

Speaker 2: 25:04

Make a move.

Speaker 1: 25:05

Make one move. Sometimes we stay stuck in not making a move because we've got this big grand picture in procrastination. I know for me I deal with procrastination sometimes because I want to get everything done at one time. But if you make one move, the next move will come and makes everything easier if you just make the one move. It just has to be one small move to get you to the next step.

Speaker 2: 25:43

One small move.

Speaker 1: 25:43

Yes.

Speaker 2: 25:44

So it's almost like if you could just make one small move a day.

Speaker 1: 25:47

One small move a day.

Speaker 2: 25:49

At the end of a year we'd have 365. But if you broke it down to like every Sunday. So I have this book that I just put out called 52 ways to build money now, and the logic and idea was I've seen so many people over the last couple of years dive into something and they're like I'm going to do it all in 30 days. And I'm not saying it's not possible, but for whatever reason, this avatar, they wait, they paste the floor, they're trying to wait for it to be perfect and they throw money, big dollars, at trying to make further moves, but it doesn't really happen for them.

Speaker 2: 26:30

So I said a lot of how I've built my life. At every season I feel like it's taking a Sunday, a Friday night, and hunkering down for two to six hours and building something, doing something. So the idea is that if one thing that gets done every week, at the end of the year, you have 52 things, big things that you've done, and you're another person. The responsibility that I feel like we have, that most people suck at, is evolving, evolving, becoming new, evolving and growing into the full of their potential. Whatever that is For me, if I had to bet or if I had to better gamble on something I'm going to better gamble on myself, you know, yeah, if you had to give me your last and final thought of the thing after she takes the action, like, what's the last thing that you're like? This is a must.

Speaker 1: 27:36

Don't deter from that mission. Stick with it. Stick with the mission and stay focused on that one thing. The people are going to come to help support you and they may not look like you. They may not look like you. The next move that you have to make is going to come and you know, sometimes people just talk a good game and I believe that the universe wants to see what you're going to do and then it rewards action takers. So just stay focused and it seems like every time you're like getting closer to the go, here come a whole bunch of stuff coming to throw you off your game. But you got to stay the course because the universe wants to see are you really really real? Do you really want it? Are you serious? So just stay focused and have that conversation, that positive conversation with yourself Every single day. Be your best cheerleader.

Speaker 2: 28:51

I love this so good. Sharon, thank you for allowing me this time with you.

Speaker 1: 28:59

Thank you. This has been delicious. This has been delicious, thank you. Hey sis, you have been listening to. This Is Some Crazy Shit. I am Sharon Hamner. Make sure you like and subscribe to hear more dope conversations on this podcast. You can check me out on my website at wwwSharonHamnercom or on all of my social media platforms. I look forward to seeing you in these social media streets.