00:08 - 00:41
Secret Admirer: Dear Lord Hades, I have a confession to make. I'm in love with your podcast. Actually, I'm in love with a specific part of the podcast. You see, when you aired your Divine Idols episode for April Fool's Day, I fell head over heels in love with one deliciously divine baritone, one belonging to a certain war god. If he sings so well, I wondered if he had skills in creative writing too. Do you reckon you could allow him to narrate a story someday? I often listen to your podcast just before bedtime. And I'm sure that Ares with his
00:41 - 00:55
Secret Admirer: distinguished and passionate tone would make the perfect backdrop to my dreamscape. Thank you for reading this and I hope with all my heart that you at least entertain my request. Smitten in Southern California, a secret admirer.
00:56 - 01:09
Hades: Now there's a letter I never thought I'd read. Who would have predicted such a turn of events? I'll just take a bit longer than expected during my negotiations with Hera, and use Ares's impatience as the catalyst for fulfilling this request.
01:12 - 01:47
Ares: Well, listeners, it seems that my mother and uncle are having quite the difficulty making peace. Or perhaps they're thoroughly enjoying themselves and have decided to leave us all to our own devices. Either way, I, in particular, am growing impatient. And since nobody else is taking charge, I've decided to commandeer this podcast to give you something to listen to. Today I bring my own writing, to demonstrate that sometimes the pen can be mightier than the sword. This is a story about how a man was able to cleverly infiltrate the ranks of the oppressors and help the oppressed.
01:48 - 02:34
Ares: I'm joined by my father, my uncle Poseidon, and my brother Hephaestus to tell this tale. Ghafir's eyes were wide with amazement as the final notes of the ballad faded from earshot. Never before had he heard anything quite so beautiful. Sad, yes, but beautiful all the same. How had this been kept from him for all of these years and why? As though reading his mind, the master swordsman replied,
02:34 - 02:45
Zeus: I am showing you this because you must know what it is we must guard from the ears of our people. These records sow the seeds of desire, of greed, of wonder, of rebellion.
02:46 - 02:51
Ares: "What was wrong with this?" Ghafir mused, though he knew that he could not ask this question.
02:52 - 03:03
Zeus: It is better that the people are kept from discovering this music. The fact of the matter is that music disturbed the order of this tribe, and that was why we had to remove it from circulation.
03:05 - 03:36
Ares: Ghafir looked with disbelief at the piles upon piles of vinyl records that were stacked precariously on the large round table in towers so high it was a wonder they didn't come crashing down upon himself and his predecessor and crush the both of them beneath a tidal wave of melodic fury. His mind raced as he recalled every single one that he had had the privilege of listening to. According to the Master swordsman, it would be his first and only time to listen to this music. But Ghafir knew that he couldn't allow this to be the end of
03:36 - 03:37
Ares: it.
03:37 - 03:40
Zeus: It is your duty to keep these records out of the public view,
03:41 - 03:43
Ares: the master swordsman continued.
03:43 - 03:50
Zeus: You must protect the tribe from being influenced by this filth, which doesn't conform to what has become accepted as music.
03:52 - 04:30
Ares: The leaders of this tribe were afraid. They were only interested in maintaining their power over the people. They wanted to keep creative expression and freedom of thought from poisoning the minds of the people, because they knew that once people discovered music, they would be better able to unite, to dream, and to make positive changes in this world. So, some idiot had decided that the only music allowed into public circulation must consist of the 1645 chord progression, also, and rather humiliatingly he thought, known as the ice cream changes. Ice cream was sweet, sure, but it came in
04:30 - 05:09
Ares: so many bold and wild flavors like rocky road, chocolate cherry, salted caramel and pistachio. This chord progression, however, was just one of so many possibilities in the musical realm, and the idea that this chord progression trumped all others and should be considered the only one worth listening to was rather farcical. What's more, in Middle Eastern music, the music which had been such a rich part of his people's history, the chord progressions used had been elaborate, beautiful and unquantifiable. This news, that he would need to deprive his tribe of music that was interesting and unique, was so
05:09 - 05:45
Ares: stunning that for several moments he could utter no words. The old man was due to retire soon, he realized, so he could put up this front of deference and complacency till that time came. Then he decided he would be sure to buck the trend of suppressing music and creative expression, so that the people of this tribe could open their ears to enriching experiences. Keeping this plan hidden from the Master Swordsman would not be easy, but one of the skills Ghafir had had to learn prior to this promotion was Stoicism, so he merely nodded and said, he
05:45 - 06:18
Ares: worked hard and made himself absolutely indispensable. His patience paid off as when it was time for the Master Swordsman to retire, the promotion was unquestioningly given to him. Now the trick would be trying to find ways to get the music into the ears of the people who needed to hear it most. He needed to introduce the music in a strategic and subtle way, because if he tried to spring it on them all at once, they would find it too foreign and unfamiliar to embrace. But what could he do? The idea hit him then without much warning, much
06:18 - 06:29
Ares: the way a comet might streak its way through the solar system before hitting its target. Using the guise of censorship and propaganda, he approached the elders of the tribal council with a proposal.
06:30 - 06:53
Hephaestus: If we, the Circle of Swordsmen, guard these records zealously, it will only seek to incite curiosity and wonder. What we must do is show the people what strange and ungodly sounds these records contain. That way we'll scare them and ensure that they never want to listen to anything but the sweet and familiar tunes consisting of the 4 basic chords in the ice-cream progression.
06:55 - 07:17
Ares: Ghafir wasn't sure whether his plan would work. After all, up to that point, the swordsmen had fervently guarded the records with every bit of zeal that they possessed. Would the tribal council be willing to implement any changes? Or would he end up being exiled because he was discovered to be a saboteur? He waited with bated breath as the members of the council considered his suggestion.
07:19 - 07:19
Poseidon: You know,
07:19 - 07:20
Ares: one of them began,
07:21 - 07:33
Poseidon: that might work out. We pay you swordsmen so much money to keep those damned records away from the public. If they knew just how horrible they were, we wouldn't need to spend so much of our resources having you do it.
07:33 - 08:03
Ares: Ghafir was stunned by this vitriol, but his indignation was outweighed by the feeling of triumph he was enjoying at that very moment. If he didn't continue his stint as a swordsman, he realized, then he could chase after his dreams and become an Oud player. Because the Oud was considered to be an antiquated instrument, it had been difficult for him to get a hold of one, but he had managed to buy one on the black market. He had taught himself how to play it during the late night hours when nobody was awake, and although he had become
08:03 - 08:08
Ares: incredibly skilled, it was a lonely accomplishment because he could share it with no one.
08:09 - 08:10
Hephaestus: Fair enough,
08:10 - 08:10
Ares: Ghafir
08:11 - 08:26
Hephaestus: replied. Once the people realize that music serves no useful purpose and leads to rebellion, they will guard themselves from it. I can then enter another profession that would use my skills in a much more useful way by hunting for game and bringing it back to the tribe.
08:26 - 08:35
Ares: Had he laid it on too thick, he wondered as he watched the members of the council exchange glances. Then the cheapskate who had started it all said,
08:36 - 08:49
Poseidon: That sounds like a perfect solution. You swordsmen spend all your time guarding records and we end up having to support you with food. We really need to get people to realize just how detrimental music is so they keep themselves away from it.
08:49 - 09:11
Ares: Over the next few months, Ghafir held nightly sessions around the fire where he played progressively more unique and interesting records for the people. He didn't tell them that he wanted them to realize just how wonderful music could be, but he also didn't tell people that music sowed discontent and rebelliousness. When initially asked about this, he said,
09:11 - 09:18
Hephaestus: If we talk up music's insidious influence, then people will want to hear it more because everyone wants what they cannot have.
09:19 - 09:42
Ares: The transformation was slow, but as people began experiencing different styles of music, they became happier. Indeed, people began humming their favorite tunes while they worked. Some of the elders were deeply disturbed by this, but the outspoken fellow who had initially supported Ghafir with his mission out of a need to save money continued with his support. He said,
09:43 - 09:55
Poseidon: Look, if people are stupid enough to want to contaminate their minds with the filth of music, then let them. So long as they're not fighting or causing trouble, do we really need to give a damn about what they do?
09:56 - 10:28
Ares: Gaffir had to admit that he was extremely surprised by the Fellow's level of support. After all, hadn't he thought swordsmen were all a waste of space? And hadn't he agreed to this plan so that the tribe didn't have to feed people he viewed as nothing more than a bunch of freeloaders? Ghafir might have left it at that, but one night, as he was walking home after introducing the people to a style of music known as jazz, he passed this tribal council member's hut. To his surprise, he heard the sound of music drifting from the window. It
10:28 - 11:00
Ares: was a song called Stalking the Stock Market, by a band that even Ghafir found to be a bit too avant-garde for his taste. Nonetheless, he stopped to listen and allowed himself a smile of triumph as he realized that music had prevailed. With one of the elder council members openly listening to music, he knew that he would no longer need to worry about music being kept from the ears of the people. With that, he grabbed his oud and what few possessions he valued, then headed away from the encampment to create his own music and share it with
11:00 - 11:32
Ares: the rest of the world. Well listeners, I hope you enjoyed this story. I had to whip it up in a flash, so please forgive any typos, inconsistencies and my lack of polish. Hopefully this story will keep you from completely falling into a bored stupor while we await my Uncle Hades to make peace with my mother. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to go to Palestine. Where is this golden pail? If this show doesn't get back on track soon, I'm going to start thinking it's all just one big joke. In any case, listeners, I'll leave
11:33 - 11:41
Ares: you all with a quote, because what is the point of reinventing the wheel? This one is from Zig Ziglar. "Fear has two meanings: forget everything and run. Face everything and rise!"