This episode offers tips and ideas for how to stop arguing with your kids. (Disclaimer: For some kids (and some parents?), this episode might better be titled, how to argue less with your kids.)
No two kids are the alike; they come in different flavors, each with their unique traits. Some are more oppositional, sensitive, or defensive. As parents, we can't change that. However, we can work with their individualities and learn to shift our own energy when faced with resistance.
🌐 Visit the Show Notesfor links, photos, recipes, resources, and more.
This episode offers tips and ideas for how to stop arguing with your kids. (Disclaimer: For some kids (and some parents?), this episode might better be titled, how to argue less with your kids.)
No two kids are the alike; they come in different flavors, each with their unique traits. Some are more oppositional, sensitive, or defensive. As parents, we can't change that. However, we can work with their individualities and learn to shift our own energy when faced with resistance.
🌐 Visit the Show Notesfor links, photos, recipes, resources, and more.
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Speaker 1:
Welcome to the Get Yourself Together Chica podcast, the show that helps you thrive or, you know, sometimes just survive. I'm Rebecca Fernandez. In each episode, we dive deep into something that has an impact on our lives as women, whether that's money or love, motherhood or friendship, our careers or just making space for joy. This is episode number six, which is about how to stop arguing with your kids. Now, for some kids, this episode might better be titled how to Argue a Little Less with your Kids, and for some parents, that might be true too. I do want to approach this topic with one big caveat. I have easy kids. So far, I've done a pretty good job of not screwing that up, but some of the things I share with you almost certainly will not work with at least one of your kids, because the thing is, some kids like to argue, some are more oppositional than others, some are more sensitive than others, some are more defensive than others. You can't change what flavor your kid comes in. You can only do your best to work with what you've got. You can learn to shift your own energy based on what's coming at you. In other words, with most kids, this is more like practicing jiu-jitsu than karate. For those of you who aren't familiar with martial arts, the jiu in jiu-jitsu translates to gentle, flexible, pliable, yielding, and the jiu-jitsu means something akin to an art or a technique, not a science. Jiu-jitsu is a martial art that focuses on working with your opponent's force and energy and direction and then turning those back against them rather than confronting them with your own force. I'll give you some examples, as we dig into this topic, of what that might look like. I'll also share some of the books that have shaped my thinking over the years. As always, if you have questions or stories to share, send them to podcast at getyourselftogetherchikacom. You can visit the show notes for links to any of the resources that I mentioned in this episode at wwwgetyourselftogetherchikacom slash podcast.
Speaker 1:
But first I want to share what's bringing me joy right now. One of my lines of business is doing work as a facilitator with executive leadership teams, and as part of that I'm always looking for effective ice breakers and relationship-building activities. Often, before I introduce one of these to an executive event, I'll test it out on a much harder audience my teenagers. About a year ago, at the dinner table, I introduced my kids to an exercise called rose-butthorn. The gist of it is you take turns, sharing one rose, a bright spot, small wind, something good that happened today, that sort of thing. And then you share a thorn that's an ouch, a slight, some challenge you experienced or a setback or a disappointment and you share a bud. That could be a new idea, that's blossoming, something you're looking forward to, something that's just starting to come together for you, something along those lines In our case. I wanted everyone to share three roses plus one bud and one thorn, because I was seeing interesting new research coming out about the benefits of training your focus on the positive things in your life. Of course, anything new like this takes a little patience and practice. One of my kids immediately had dozens of roses to share, while the other panicked and said I don't know, it was just a normal day. But we kept at it, trying a few nights in a row and pretty soon it was second nature to everyone.
Speaker 1:
Now it's become our dinner table ritual or our evening walk routine. Often one of the kids will kick it off. They'll just plop down in a chair and say, well, I sure had a thorn today. Or oh, one rose for me today was. And then everyone else jumps in too. And what brought me joy recently was realizing just how much this one simple ritual has given me insights into their worlds. It creates a space for us to have much deeper and more interesting conversations beyond the usual how was school Fine? How was work Fine? Instead, I get to hear about their friendships and teachers and what's making them laugh, what's vexing them, and they've become more interested in hearing about my work and projects too. Plus, when we have a visitor or a friend over the kids, bring them right into the conversation explaining what a rose or a bud or a thorn is.
Speaker 1:
A few days ago we happened to have the rare box of sugary cereal in the cupboard. One of my kids said oh my rose, tonight is going to be having a big bowl of those Reese's puffs. I've been thinking about it all day and all through marching band practice. And then my other kid got this deer in the headlights look and said hmm, well, I guess this one's about to be a thorn because I ate the rest. When I got home from school today Sorry, I was both just laughed and laughed. And then another night one of the kids said oh my rose is that tomorrow is a teacher workday. And without really thinking about it, I immediately responded oh crap, I guess that's my thorn, because I was going to record the podcast tomorrow. Total foot in mouth moment. And the kids both cracked up and said Thanks a lot, mom. I did feel bad about that one. So a few minutes later I said hey, just so you know I'm happy you're going to be home tomorrow. I didn't mean for it to come out like that. It's just hard to record if anyone's walking around the house or opening the refrigerator door. And they just laughed and said we know what you meant, mom, which also brought me a lot of joy. All right, I'll post more about the rose but thorn exercise in the show notes, along with some tips in case you'd like to try it with your own family.
Speaker 1:
Let's jump in and talk about how to stop arguing with your kids First. I think it helps a lot to remember that in this world there are all kinds of natural consequences that follow when kids do the wrong things, and a lot of arguments with kids and teenagers can actually be avoided entirely if you allow them to experience those consequences for themselves. For example, do you find yourself saying things like this If you're not down here in five minutes, you're going to be late for practice, or if you don't do your homework, coach isn't going to let you play the game on Friday. Or if you don't stop hitting snooze on your alarm, you're going to miss the school bus. And then saying variations of those same things multiple times an hour or a day or a week. Because a lot of parents do that. They keep warning kids about the consequences of their behavior while also shielding them from the consequences of their behavior. What if, instead, you just let some of those things happen? For example, most kids don't like being late for school. If my kids don't set their alarms or they don't manage their time well and they miss the bus, well, the natural consequence to that is now they're going to have to wait until I have a break in my morning and I can drive them over to school. It doesn't mean that I'm going to drag myself out of bed at 6.18 am, skip my morning coffee, miss my 7 am yoga class or whatever, just drop everything to get them to school on time when they screwed up.
Speaker 1:
Side note, I was reviewing this episode with my kids because anytime I talk about them, I want to be sure that they're comfortable with what I'm saying. And my son said oh, you know the few times that I've come to school at like 8.45 or 9, because I miss the bus. My friends are always like where were you? And when I say I overslept so I had to wait for my mom to get ready, they're always shocked. I mean, they're like what? She doesn't get out of bed right away and hurry up and drive you to school. So yeah, parents, apparently a lot of you are driving across town uncaffeinated in your pajamas. Really, look, I'm not saying to be mean about it, just, oh crap, you miss the bus, huh, okay, well, it looks like I can drive you over there in about an hour on my way downtown. Or, let's see, I have a video call. I need to be at my desk for it 8 this morning and I have to get ready before that so I can probably get you there around 9.45.
Speaker 1:
When I tell other parents that's how I handle this kind of situation, they often say, oh, my kid would pitch a fit. But my response to that is, yeah, they might. But the thing is, I'm not really bothered by that Because ultimately, when it comes to raising kids, I think we have to take the long view. What kind of person do you want this kid to become. Now, when I say that, I don't mean things like a world-class athlete or a neuroscientist. My philosophy is very much our kids are their own people. Our job as parents is to help them become the best versions of who they are, not fit into some mold that we've chosen for them. But what I do care about is the character, traits and values that they're going to internalize and live out as adults.
Speaker 1:
So in those moments, even if a kid is getting upset with me, I'll pause and ask myself what kind of person do I want my kid to become? Do I want them to expect that the entire world revolves around them, that they don't need to take steps to get themselves together because someone else will probably bail them out? Or do I want them to become the kind of person who other people can count on, the sort of person who takes responsibility for themselves and their own actions? That means I'm always looking at what is likely to happen, naturally, as a result of their actions. Most kids, as I said, don't like being late for school. Most don't like disappointing a teacher or their coach. Most don't enjoy being reprimanded by their boss or fired from a job. Most don't want to have to sit out a game or a performance. If the natural consequence of their actions is short-term enough and troublesome enough, I might as well just let it happen. And then I try to keep my mouth closed and let them experience it without a lecture, because I don't need to say anything and usually they'll learn more if I don't.
Speaker 1:
You know, way back when my son was a little bitty kindergartner, he was the most absent-minded kid you have ever seen. His little brilliant mind was always working, puzzling over deep thoughts and interesting problems. But he also had a habit of walking out the door and leaving his backpack or his jacket or his lunchbox behind. So one day the second time in one week I got a call from the school office. They said, oh, he forgot his lunch today. And I thought for a moment and then I said okay, thanks for letting me know, I'll make sure to give him a snack right when he gets home. Today. The woman at the school was like aren't you going to bring his lunchbox over? He forgot it at home and I said no, this will help him remember next time. You know, I asked my son if he remembers that day from kindergarten. He does not, but you know what he does remember all these years later, to bring his lunch to school.
Speaker 1:
If the natural consequences of our kids' actions are going to be much more long-term or delayed, or maybe just not readily evident as a teaching tool, then I tend to think that they tend to just speak from the heart. So, for example, I might open a conversation like when I see that you're not really trying very hard in school, that you're just sort of skating through all of your classes and your activities and you don't seem to have a strong interest in anything really. Well, I worry about whether you might be depressed. Or I might say when I see that you're leaving dirty dishes in the kitchen and you're not cleaning up after yourself, I feel angry and frustrated, like you're treating me like I'm the family servant or something. There are lots of different ways to speak from the heart and I find if I say just a little bit and then I pause and I listen, we can usually talk things out and get to a better place.
Speaker 1:
One book that I've found to be helpful at every stage of my kids' lives is the classic how to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk. The whole series is great because now these days they have ones aimed at different ages or specific challenges. I reread the original book a few years ago and I was amazed to see how much I still use a lot of what is in there. One of the most helpful insights I got from that book is don't correct your kids' feelings, don't lecture, don't moralize. They are allowed to have their own opinion or perspective. That's their right as little humans. So if they say I shouldn't have to wash my dishes, sarah's mom doesn't make her do dishes, I do not need to say, well, sarah is never going to amount to anything much. Or well, sarah's mom should make her do the dishes. Or well, if you like Sarah's mom so much, why don't you go move in over there? Instead I might say, well, I'd sure like it if Sarah's mom would move in with us, if I can find my humor in that moment. Or I might say you're not a fan of dishwashing, huh? Or I might just say, hmm, well, that's nice of her mom. Anyway, sponge is right there on the counter.
Speaker 1:
Sometimes I see kids try to engage their parents, especially preteens and teenagers, by throwing out these little emotional darts. So they might say something like I'm so ugly or you think I'm stupid. And then if you respond back, like most parents, by saying something like what you're beautiful or you're so smart, then the kid wants to argue with you about it. In that case it might be more helpful to say something like wow, you really think that? Or whoa, that's hard for me hearing you say that. Tell me more about where that's coming from. If the kid continues down the path of beating themselves up, I might say something gentle but firm, like hey, now don't talk about my kid like that, because one, it'll make them smile a little bit and two, it models self-compassion. It reminds them that I care and I don't feel the same way about them. But their feelings are still their own and they're gonna have to sort that out.
Speaker 1:
Whenever it's possible, I try to honor their intentions, if not their specific actions. This is where that jiu-jitsu thing comes into play. Often kids will have the right general idea, but they get the details a whole lot of wrong. So, for example, they might want to feel more grown up, to take more responsibility, and they might try to bake an apple pie for the first time on their own, with no idea what to do when the pie filling, drips down in the bottom of the oven and catches on fire, the knee-jerk reaction is to say what were you thinking? You never, ever, touched the oven without my permission. But remember, we're taking the long view here. Long term, you actually probably don't want them to be calling home at 25 years old before they turn on the oven in their new apartment. So you might honor their intention by saying, wow, that was pretty scary for both of us. How about we bake something together this weekend so I can show you how to avoid that kind of thing in the future? And honestly, sometimes they are ready before you are.
Speaker 1:
My son started taking the city bus to school at 16 years old because it was much faster than taking the school bus. He figured it all out on his own and he didn't even mention it to me until after he took the city bus to and from school on his own one day. My first impulse inside was to freak out, but I could see that he was really proud of himself and the truth is he was less than a year and a half away from being 18 years old. For me as a woman, taking the bus in my part of the city means putting up with being harassed. Sometimes it means having to figure out what to do when some creeper tries to follow me off the bus. For those reasons and more, I don't often take the bus in my city. But for an older teenage boy who is almost six feet tall now, during daylight hours riding just a couple stops away, honestly it's pretty low risk. So I was just honest with him. I said wow, that's a big step. I'm impressed that you figured it out all by yourself like that. Do you feel safe when you're riding? And we talked about how it's not so safe for women and about some of the scary encounters that I've had years and years ago. But as it turns out, several other kids from his high school were already riding that city bus and now, a year later, he's actually considering doing a very similar commute to university next year. It wouldn't have occurred to me that he could make that work if he hadn't pushed the limits a little bit in high school, and now we're both pretty excited about that option for him.
Speaker 1:
Oh, speaking of growing up, I wanted to tell you what I've been reading lately. My book club doesn't normally go in for new releases, but we decided to add the latest and patch it novel to our list. It's called Tom Lake and Wow, did I Ever Love this Book? Here's just a little bit of the jacket description. In the spring of 2020, lara's three daughters returned to the family orchard in northern Michigan. While picking cherries, they begged their mother to tell them the story of Peter Duke, a famous actor with whom she shared both a theater stage and a romance years before. Tom Lake is a meditation on youthful love, married love and the lives parents have led before their children were born. I'll put the link in the show notes. If you read it, drop me a line and tell me what you thought. I read the whole thing in less than three days and I was sad when I ran out of book.
Speaker 1:
Okay, back to the topic of not arguing with our kids, or at least arguing a little bit less. Sometimes, those conversations from the heart that I mentioned, they can still end up turning toward non-productive conflict or they can even become hurtful, and in that case I think it's best to just disengage or press pause if the conversation isn't productive or caring anymore. So, for example, if a kid comes back at me really angry or aggravated with something like this is so stupid after we've been talking for a while, then I'm gonna say well, I think I need a break here. We can talk more about this later on, if you want, because when anyone is in an agitated state like that, they need some time for their brain chemistry and their stress hormones to settle back down again. In a few hours I'll bring it back up by then. Usually most kids will be a little sheepish and they'll just shrug and be happy to move on from the topic.
Speaker 1:
One of the most important things I think we can do as parents is to focus on cultivating and maintaining a warm, respectful relationship with each of our kids. That means spending time listening to your kids, talking with them. It means looking for ways to connect as often as you can so that you have a really strong foundation to your relationship. That's something that's going to make them so much more receptive to your perspective and it will make you more open to hearing them out too. I actually think it's best if your primary ways of cultivating that bond with your kids are through everyday household and life activities. So, for example, cooking dinner together, cleaning up after dinner together, going for walks or bike rides, talking on the drive to or from school Basically, look at the things that you're already doing most days and then try to get one kid at a time to tag along and help you Think their opinions like do you think the soup needs more salt, or do you think it'll be easier if we wash that crusty dish by hand, or should we try to run it through the dishwasher? The more enjoyable time you spend every day with your kids, the easier it becomes to navigate the tougher moments. Plus, you'll know your kid well enough to predict what's likely to put them into the red zone. So when there is something difficult that you need to talk to them about, you can give it some thoughtful consideration and figure out one of the better ways to approach them.
Speaker 1:
Another great habit to cultivate is to model apologies for your kids. That's just as simple as owning up when you screw it up. If one of the kids pushes my buttons or I'm just having a crap day and I come down hard on them about something that doesn't really warrant that, I try to catch myself, even if sometimes it's not until a little while later and come back and say hey, I think I overreacted there, I'm sorry. That's all it really takes. When you do that consistently, your kids tend to apologize too when their emotions get the better of them.
Speaker 1:
Another thing that's helpful is to recognize that there might be times when you love your kid but you don't like them very much. Don't worry, they feel the same way about you sometimes, and if your personality and theirs are just like oil and water, you might be in the really tough situation where that's often the case you love them, but you don't particularly like them. I see parents for whom this is very obviously the case they don't really like their kids. Sometimes their kids are kind of bratty, I get it Yet those parents seem to alternate between feeling deeply ashamed of that and denying to themselves that it's true. What I think would be much more productive is to just be honest with yourself if that's what's going on, and keep your focus on what you truly want and need to be for this kid, no matter what. You need to help them find their way in the world and become a healthy, productive adult who can manage on their own someday. So try to find things that you can appreciate about them and realize that when you don't respect them, they can probably tell. So watch out for your thoughts If you find yourself criticizing their character, their motives, their preferences.
Speaker 1:
If you see yourself using labels, even just in your own mind, like lazy or unreliable or loser or brat, you've got to flip that narrative, for your sake and for theirs. You don't have to make excuses for them. They might grow up to be adults who are happy doing the bare minimum at work, or who aren't very consistent, or who don't strive for or even want the same kinds of things that you want. So, knowing that, how can you help them become the best versions of themselves? Because you're probably not going to turn a daydreaming artist into a hard-hitting CEO and you're probably not going to turn an absent-minded scientist into an accountant. But there is room in the world for all of us, and you probably need to figure out how to make room in your family for them, just as they are too. Okay, the last few tips I'm going to share with you are pretty rapid fire.
Speaker 1:
First, when you're getting swept up in a back and forth argument, remember that you have most of the power already. If the kid is baiting you or they're arguing with you or negotiating, you actually give up some of your authority when you react to them. When you get caught up in it, they would not be acting this way if they thought they had the power to do what they wanted. Instead, use silence and discomfort strategically. Often, the only response you need to give back when a kid is baiting you or trying to strong arm and negotiate is something like hmm, I see, or I'm not going to fight with you, or I'm not really sure what else there is for me to say here, or I really don't like how you're talking to me right now. It's kind of funny, but when I told a friend recently how I handled those kinds of moments and I gave her some of those examples, I said it just as I'd say it to my kids, and I left that uncomfortable silence hanging afterwards. And after about five or ten seconds she said wow, you have a really strong presence. I feel like I've let you down and disappointed you. There is power in silence, so stop responding when there is nothing more to be said.
Speaker 1:
As the saying goes, you don't have to attend every argument that you are invited to. You don't have to have the final word for your standards or your expectations to be clear to your kids. Of course, sometimes they'll be disrespectful to you in that moment, but they're not ready to hear about that yet, not yet. Leave it alone just for a little while. Let them sit with the frustration and the disappointment that they're not going to get their way this time especially if there are other people around and then later on go ahead and address any behavior issues privately. I say privately because that's a matter of respect. So, for example, you might say tonight at dinner I really didn't like how you spoke to me, especially in front of all of my friends. It was embarrassing to me. It was embarrassing. I need you to treat me with respect, even when you're upset. Or if your kid is being mouthy during carpool in front of one of their friends, you might say to your kid hang on just a minute while their friend exits the car. And then you might say I'm not cool with how you treated me just now. If they try to argue, you can just say I'll see you after school. We can talk more about it then, if you want. All in all, the best advice I can offer you is that if what you're doing doesn't seem to be working very well, try something different. Experiment, be curious, read books Sometimes, maybe even ask your kid in a calm moment what sets them on edge or why did that upset them the way that you had that conversation. I'm often surprised what I learn just by asking.
Speaker 1:
Well, it's time to share what blew my mind this week. Normally I avoid click-baity articles like the plague, but this week one got me with the headline you won't believe how much these celebrities look like their grandparents. Now, I'm a sucker for family resemblances. My partner is the spitting image of his grandfather, or maybe it was his great grandfather, I can't remember. And maybe because my family tree includes people of multiple races and ethnicities, I find it particularly interesting to see how certain features reappear and rearrange themselves across generations. So what blew my mind was one, how these grandkids and great-grandkids resemble their celebrity ancestors. And two, how, no matter how long I scrolled, that page never seemed to end. At one point I actually wondered if AI was auto-generating more celebrity photos for me on demand. I finally hit the end button on my keyboard just to see what would happen, and the list did cut off after 139 pairs of celebrities. So if you'd like to go down that bizarre rabbit hole, I'll post a link to the article in the show notes Well, chica.
Speaker 1:
That's all for today. For more episodes or links to the resources I might have mentioned. Visit wwwgetyourselftogetherchicacom slash podcast. If you liked today's episode, please share it with your friends. Post it on social media. If you love this podcast, make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss any episodes. And please, I would value so much if you would leave a review on Apple Podcasts or whatever app you listen to podcasts. Until next time, chicas.
