This is episode # 13, and at the time of this recording, it is the day after my monthly book club meeting. We were chatting last night about today’s topic: Fun little life lessons that you learn, by reading cozy mysteries. I’ll also share more about how our book club has been going strong for more than 13 years, even though by now, we’ve had a full turnover of members. Credit for this episode concept goes to my best friend, who is not part of our book club, but she reads more cozy mysteries than anyone else I know!
If you have questions, tips, or stories to share, send them to podcast@getyourselftogetherchica.com. And you can find the show notes at getyourselftogetherchica.com/podcast.
But first, I want to share what’s bringing me joy right now. Back in October we left a few pumpkins uncarved on our porch. And I have been mystified by one of them, because overnight, it suddenly developed two holes… that looked like owls eyes.
Over the course of the next few days, the pumpkin seemed to start carving itself! First, I spotted a slug, eating away at the pumpkin. Then my partner saw a squirrel gnawing on the pumpkin. So for several days we were debating: is it the slug, or the squirrel, or something else… that is carving a face into this pumpkin?
Well, at last the mystery has been solved. At least I think so. This morning I saw that the two eyes have now been chewed away into one giant hole. And right in the center of the hole, with his little face poking out, Was… you guessed it… a squirrel. That little guy has been eating the pumpkin seeds right out of the pumpkin, and defending his turf against two other squirrels that now want in on the action!
I wish that I had had the foresight to take a picture of it back when it still looked like an owl, because every person who I pointed it out to, was so stunned when I explained that we hadn’t carved it. Some Critter had.
In all the years that I have had pumpkins sitting on my porch, I’ve never had a Squirrel decide to carve himself a jack-o’-lantern. So that’s what’s bringing my whole family joy right now.
Okay, so last night at book club, when we were discussing this episode, one thing became clear. Not everyone knows what a “cozy mystery” is! According to Wikipedia, “cozy mysteries are a sub-genre of crime fiction, where sex and violence occur off stage. The detective is an amateur sleuth, and the crime and detection take place in a small, socially intimate community.”
Cozy mysteries lend themselves well to becoming series. You’re probably familiar with at least some of them. Think about those books where some clever, ordinary person is forever stumbling across dead bodies and then figuring out whodunit.
Among the more classic, vintage cozy mysteries, you’ll find the television series, Murder She Wrote, which you may remember starred Angela Lansbury.
Another popular television and book series from my youth was the Father Dowling mysteries, where the amateur sleuth was a priest.
And of course, who could forget Agatha Christie’s books, which were probably the first cozy mysteries I read, as a kid… unless we’re counting Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys. Which, come to think of it, probably were YA cozy mysteries, weren’t they?
Fast forward to the present day, and you’ll find cozy mysteries like the Hannah Swensen set, which are all titled after different baked goods, because she runs a bakery in Lake Eden, Minnesota. Think, Chocolate Chips Cookie Murder, Coconut Cream Pie Murder, and so forth. Another great example is The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency series.
Cozy mysteries are charming stories that you want to curl up with, in front of a roaring fire.
And life lesson #1 from cozy mysteries is… #1 What makes you different just might be your superpower.
In these stories, as I've mentioned, the sleuth tends to be an amateur. Their profession is often something a little unusual, a little offbeat, but it suits them well. And in many of these cases, it’s because the character is different, that they’re able to solve the mystery.
One of my favorite modern cozy mysteries is Everyone In My Family Has Killed Someone by Benjamin Stevensen. The amateur sleuth and narrator, Ernie Cunningham, writes books about how to write who-dun-it books. And it’s that perspective on murder, that allows him to figure out who is killing off his murderous family members, when they’re all snowed in at a ski resort.
In The Maid by Nina Prose, the amateur sleuth is a hotel maid who most people underestimate, because she’s slow in some ways, but quick in others. People will say things in her presence, assuming she doesn’t understand them. And sometimes, she doesn’t. But sometimes, she does. And when you combine that with her meticulous nature–she’s the kind of person who will notice if there’s a stray hair left behind, when the other maids clean–well… those things that make her different, are what helps her crack the case.
(Side note: When I went to add a link to The Maid into the Show Notes, I discovered that it’s now a series, with a second book published. I can’t wait to read it! Anyway…)
I think what these books get at, with this recurring theme, is actually a pretty deep and profound truth. It’s ancient human nature to want to fit in, to be accepted by the tribe. It’s been a part of our survival strategy, as homo sapiens, for a very long time.
But when you can really embrace your own unique qualities and quirks… it’s interesting, how often that draws the tribe toward you, instead of pushing them away.
That brings us to another life lesson from cozy mysteries…
#2 Just because someone’s quirky doesn’t mean they’re dangerous.
One of the staples of the cozy mystery genre is red herring characters. These are the folks in the story who don’t look or act like everyone else, and thus, they often become suspects for the crime.
Tell me you haven’t seen that play out in real life.
There’s a tension, I think, between trusting our intuition… and recognizing its limits. Our intuition absolutely can tell us when something is different about someone. It’s been finely tuned by nature to keep us far away from disease and danger.
But when we are making snap judgments about people, our intuition can also have a pretty high false positive rate. In other words, it’s more likely to tell us to avoid someone who is a little strange but actually harmless… than it is to miss detecting someone who is both strange and harmful.
Where we need to be most careful is when the stakes are low for us, but high for the quirky person. In other words, when that offbeat homeless guy gets picked up as a murder suspect, we ought all to recognize that if he didn’t do it, he’s probably got a much higher chance of going down for it anyway, as compared to the average person. And we don’t need to be that woman on the news, who’s eager to tell everybody how she works downtown, and saw him on the corner sometimes, and always thought he was awfully strange.
Moving along. Life lesson #3 is #3 Love connections sometimes don’t seem like a good idea at the start.
This one’s a staple of many cozy mysteries. When you first meet the character who will become an amateur sleuth’s love connection… rarely does it seem like a good idea.
For example, let’s look at the “Pies Before Guys” series. This one is particularly interesting, because you learn right from the getgo that the amateur sleuth, Daisy Ellery, is the murderer. She bakes up poison pies to save women from domestic violence, and the mysteries often center around her trying to figure out who’s caught on to her little side hustle and is trying to put an end to her.
So with a hobby like that, it seems like a very bad idea to let anyone get too close. But of course, everybody’s gotta let somebody in.
And in these books, just as in real life, often the best love connections turn out to be the ones who we dismiss early on, for the wrong reasons. Maybe they’re too headstrong (much like us). Or too dull (but turns out to be reliable and kind). Or, as in the Hannah Swensen series, maybe there are two love interests, headstrong sexy Mike and good old steady Norman. (Oh, Norman.)
But the point remains. For all that’s said about love at first sight, in cozy mysteries and in life, true love often grows out of a much less remarkable spark.
Oh! Speaking of books, I’ve been meaning to tell you What I’ve been reading this week: Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt. This was a book club pic, but the wait list for the library was so long that I didn’t manage to get my hands on it until a few weeks after my Book Club had met. Apparently a book that’s narrated by an octopus is in high demand. But it truly was one of the best books I’ve read in 2023! It was charming and quirky and thought-provoking, and I loved it so much that I immediately shared it with my teenage daughter. She loved it too.
Back to life lessons from cozy mysteries. #4 is #4 The people who drive you nuts, just might be the ones who save your butt.
In so many of these books, the amateur sleuth has someone who drives them a bit nuts… in their family, or sometimes it’s a frenemy or rival, or it’s that real detective who’s always telling them to leave it to the professionals…
But anyway, in these books, there always comes a moment when the amateur sleuth gets in over their head.
The amateur sleuth might sneak into somewhere to look for clues, and then, so does their number one suspect.
Or, you know. Maybe they decide to confront the murderer.
(Which I probably don’t have to list that as a life lesson, but just in case there are any amateur sleuths out there listening right now… You never, ever try confront the murderer. Even if you think you’re in a public square with plenty of other people around, somehow everyone else will abruptly wander off, and you’ll be there, all alone and looking silly, while they hold up a knife that of course, they had in their back pocket, because… they’re the murderer!)
But whatever the situation, it’s often resolved when that family member or friend or rival, who generally makes them want to scream, shows up at just the right moment and saves their butt.
And you know, that has a way of happening in real life, too. In my coaching business, one of the things I often tell aspiring professionals and especially, chiefs of staff, is this. Don’t burn bridges. Be gracious and courteous, no matter how exasperating someone else is being.
Because the reality is, you’re always just one or two organizational restructures away from having to work with this person again. And the professional world tends to be a small place. So you might even be one or two job changes away from meeting this person again, and finding out that you report up into them!
When you treat them well, regardless of how much they drive you crazy, something really funny often happens. The next time you run into them, like that… you’ll realize that you’ve won their respect. And they might just save your butt, in a tough situation.
Okay, another life lesson I’ve learned from cozy mysteries, #5, is Leave room for the imagination.
Cozy mysteries never get graphic, when it comes to violence or love. They’re subtle with the details, and they trust that you can fill in the gaps, where needed. In a world filled with click bait, where so many content creators are exploiting our empathy and trying to hijack the basest parts of our brains, to make a profit? It’s incredibly refreshing when someone leaves room for our imagination.
This is a life lesson that many folks can benefit from. Whether you’re talking with a friend about the argument you had with your partner… or you’re in a job interview and need to describe a difficult experience that you had with a former employer… it’s probably best to share just a few words and leave room for the imagination, rather than puke up all of the details.
Life lesson #6 is Actually, you often can judge a book by its cover.
I mean this literally. A cozy mystery is pretty easy to spot. There really are only a handful of different cover art styles, and when you see a book with that kind of look to it, you know what to expect. It’s going to be everything we’ve described today, and more.
The same is true for many other book genres today. We all know what the cover looks like for a bodice-ripper style of romance. Those legal or police procedural novels also have a certain look to their covers.
And am I the only one who’s noticed that there’s a specific, hand-scrawled font that seems to be all the rage for thriller books, especially those written by women?
Wrapping up our life lessons from cozy mysteries. #7 is Everyone has secrets.
Because cozy mysteries take place in small, charming, almost ideal little communities… they often involve uncovering hidden secrets.
The lesson here is that everyone has a story, and sometimes those stories are more complex than they appear at first glance.
Alright. I promised I’d share a little more about my book club. First, it’s not my book club. I was invited to join by my friend Kelly, after the book club had already been meeting for about 4 years.
But after being a member of this book club for almost a decade, and watching other book clubs struggle to stay afloat, I thought it would be helpful to share what’s worked for us. You can file this under:
Tips for book club longevity.
First, match the hosting expectations to where most of your members are, in life right now.
Early on, our book club rotated between members’ homes, and we each took a turn preparing a fairly elaborate dinner for everyone. Back then, there weren’t a lot of babies among our book club family yet. And many of us didn’t really have tons of money to eat out at nice restaurants. So book club was a fun space to encourage that kind of creativity.
We even sustained that approach when some of us did have young kids, because book club felt like a special escape from the world of chicken nuggets and grilled cheese.
Fast forward ten plus years, though, and now we have lots of busy kids in middle school and high school. Our careers are bigger and more time consuming. Some of us have aging parents to care for. Oh, and a global pandemic happened, too.
So these days, we have a default restaurant or two, and if no one is able to host at home, then we meet there, instead. When someone can host, they’re generally just doing a few appetizers or even just dessert, or sometimes everyone brings something to share.
Second, we don’t try to shift the date, as long as at least 2 or 3 of us can make our usual monthly Monday work. Everyone knows the date in advance, because it’s the same Monday of each month, so there’s really no sense in moving it to try and accommodate everyone. Either it’s a priority for you this month, or it’s not. And if it’s consistently not a priority for you, then you’ll probably bail at the last minute, anyway. Other than for holidays, we tend to stick with the schedule.
Third, we started picking our books, 6-12 at a time, so that it was one less thing to figure out each month. The reality is, we don’t spend that much time talking about the book anyway, so it’s mostly an excuse to get together.
The fun of a great book club is that over time, you form bonds that go beyond the written word. We talk about life, our kids, our jobs, our travels, almost everything and anything, before it starts getting late and someone remembers to ask, “Should we talk about the book?”
Okay, my next tip is that for any group to be sustainable, you’ve always got to have at least 1 person (and really, 1 will do the trick) who takes the initiative and reminds everyone that it’s time for book club again, and clears away any accidental roadblocks.
In fact, I think our book club survived the pandemic–a time when lots of us has serious Zoom fatigue–simply because one of our members, Gail, had the courage to say, “Hey. I don’t want our book club to become a casualty of the pandemic. Can we get it back on track?”
A few years later, I noticed that after switching from email organizing to group text, we seemed to keep getting bogged down out of politeness. Like when one person would say, “We could meet at this restaurant” and another would say “Yes, or that one…” and pretty soon the text chain faded out and then a few weeks later, turned into, “Sorry, are we meeting tonight? And where?”
So I decided to nominate myself to be the “take charge” voice in those moments, and get us sorted with our plan. Pretty soon, we were back on track, and I haven’t had to play that part so much.
We’ve noticed that people most often move on from book club because they live a considerable distance from the rest of the group, or life gets a bit too busy to have space for it anymore. And when that happened a few years ago, we lost two members who had always maintained the Google spreadsheet where we tracked what books we’ve read and what’s coming up, who is hosting, etc.
After we realized, oh wow, we have a gap in the book club… a few of us stepped up, in different ways. I got us to pick 6 months of books at one time, and threw out tons of suggestions to ensure we’d hit that number. Gail filled in as many gaps as she could, adding to the spreadsheet, past books we’d read but hadn’t documented. Diana suggested that we could start doing restaurants more often, since hosting was getting hard. And she started finding good spots for us to try.
So whether you’re trying to sustain your existing book club, or start a new one, I hope our experiences are helpful to you. I also wanted to share a book club concept that my best friend came up with, because I think it’s such a great idea and something that a lot of folks would be into. Her idea is this. Start a monthly or quarterly book club, but have it be a book club where you don’t read or discuss one specific book. Instead, you invite friends who love to read, and if they are book buyers, like my friend is, they can also bring books they’re finished with and want to pass along to a good home. On book club day, you come by, grab a snack or a cup of tea, talk about books with other book-loving friends, and maybe snag a new favorite to take home with you.
I think we all could use more low-key opportunities to socialize regularly like that. Another friend of mine, Melissa, opens her home to folks every Wednesday after work, for a Hump Day happy hour. It’s a great way to catch up with people I once saw all the time (Melissa and I used to work at the same company), plus an easy way to meet new people. She has the organization system down to an art, with a weekly email blast that links to spreadsheet, to say who’s coming and what they’re bringing. She also flexes her culinary skills by creating a seasonal cocktail or mocktail, so that makes it easy to bring an ingredient for her bar, or an appetizer that goes along with the theme.
Long story short: It takes commitment and creativity to sustain any kind of group over many years. But the effort is so worthwhile.
Well, it’s time to share what’s been blowing my mind this week. This week one of my friends sent me an incredible video on YouTube, an episode of the show Breakdown where the host interviews Justine Bateman. It’s about how women’s age is being weaponized, and how it’s become completely normalized to “go under the knife” and have work done on your face, as if there’s something wrong or shameful about growing older. It’s something that I have noticed too, and have been growing increasingly uncomfortable about. But Justine really gave me both the words and the courage to make sense of what is happening and cement in my own mind that I have no desire to be a part of that. It’s a complex topic, for sure, but at its core, we each have a choice. We can decide not to believe the people who are profiting from making women believe that the same signs of aging that are distinguished and attractive on men, are somehow repulsive on us women. And who knows? Maybe I’ll even stop coloring my gray hair, one of these days. I’ll drop a link to the video in the Show Notes and also to Justine‘s website, theresnothingwrongwithyourface.com.
