Taking Inventory of Life’s Gifts: What’ve You Got?

This episode is all about taking inventory of what you’ve got going for you: the many, intangible gifts that you’ve been given, whether by luck, your family, God, or the Universe!

We also talk about a particular phrase I hear a lot of women use: “I’m really bad at…” and how that framing can hold us back.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Get Yourself Together Chica podcast, the show that helps you thrive or, you know, sometimes just survive.  I'm Rebecca Fernandez. In each episode, we dive deep into something that has an impact on our lives as women, whether that's money or love, motherhood or friendship, our careers, or just making space for joy. 

This is episode number 14, and it is our last episode of the year 2023. I'm releasing it on Christmas Day because I thought, what better moment than to take inventory of all that you've got. There's many intangible gifts that each of us has been given, whether by luck, or our families, or God, or the universe.

We're also going to talk about this one particular phrase that I hear a lot of women use. And how I think that mindset can hold us back.  I hope you enjoy this episode and that you'll visit the show notes at getyourselftogetherchica. com slash podcast for links to anything I mention. As always, you can reach me at podcast at getyourselftogetherchica.

com.  But before we dive into today's topic, I wanted to share what's bringing me joy right now.  This year, we decided we were going to fill up a jar with the names of any movie that any of us in the family wanted to enjoy together. It could be classic Christmas movies, like Elf. Or it could be movies that are arguably Christmas movies or not Christmas movies, like Die Hard.

Or it could be something that somebody just wanted to throw in there. So each night, we have pulled a name out of the jar and we've watched that movie together. And the very first one we pulled was Talladega Nights, which none of the kids or I had ever seen. Only my partner had seen it. Well, they loved it and it was the perfect way to kick off our holiday movie watching season together.

Since then, we've pulled lots of other names out of the jar, and it really has been a good way to get the family together and to watch things that we otherwise might not see. There is a certain magic that goes along with saying, the jar has chosen, and that's what we're going to watch tonight. Plus, everybody knows if they want to see something that they like or that they're excited about, all they have to do is throw a couple suggestions into the jar.

So that's what's been bringing me joy right now.  All right, let's dive in and start by talking about that particular phrase I mentioned that I've been hearing women use and I think is a little bit of a problem.  Here's the phrase. It came up a couple times during my program that I lead recently, and it is  I'm really bad at blank.

So during the program, one of the women said, Oh, I'm really bad at asking for help.  I've also heard women say, Oh, I'm really bad at negotiating for a raise or a salary, or I'm really bad at public speaking, you know, fill in the blank. And the question that I always ask is,  are you bad at that?  Or are you just inexperienced? 

Have you tried to become better at it?  Have you spent time practicing it and sitting with the discomfort? And recognizing that most people aren't naturally, immediately fantastic at the kinds of things that we often say, Oh, I'm really bad at that.  Practice makes improvement. And if there's something that you are bad at, well, chances are you're actually not bad at it.

You're just inexperienced with it.  So when we talk about our gifts, recognize that some gifts are just things that come naturally to us. And that's great when something's easy. But you may also have other gifts that you've actually had to work at cultivating. They're talents, but they are hard won. So keep that in mind and we're going to go ahead and take inventory. 

I want to give some credit to the idea for this episode to what I've been listening to lately. I heard this interview with Farnoosh Tarabi on the best of both worlds podcast. It was the fear and finance episode  and one of the exercises in her new book, which is called a healthy state of panic. It's called taking a personal asset inventory. 

The idea was count up what are all of the assets that you have in your life, the non financial assets, especially. What have you got going for you that you might forget about when you're thinking about your finances?  And I thought, oh, that's so interesting, a personal asset inventory, because we do something really similar in the Get Yourself Together, Chica program.

I have the women take a strengths and assets inventory, really count up and write down, hey, what are all of those strengths and abilities that you have that you might take for granted? What's great about you, if you were going to create a dating profile for yourself, or let's say you're gathering a group of your closest friends and they're going to make the dating profile for you, or they're going to make a cover letter for your dream job, or they're writing your eulogy, what are the kinds of things that they would say about you?

Write those down. Take an inventory of your gifts and what you have in life.  So that's what we're gonna do today and I'm gonna break it down for you and start giving you some ideas of different categories that you could look at as You make your own list I hope that you will maybe write some of these things down and come back to them when you're feeling low or you're wondering You know what you've really got going for you because it's a powerful exercise to do I've done my own strengths inventory my own gifts inventory A few years back and when I'm having a hard time, I pull out that piece of paper and I look at it and it always makes me smile. 

Okay. So the first category I want you to think about is mindset, beliefs, informative experiences.  Let me tell you about a friend of mine from college named Sarah.  Years ago, she told me, you know, it's interesting, so many women are so critical of their bodies. They're kind of obsessive about their appearance.

And honestly, I've never really given much thought to how I look. I think that's because my mom never talked about her body. She never did that thing where she looked in the mirror and criticized herself or, or even admired herself. So, it just hasn't ever registered to me that how I look is something all that important. 

And when Sarah said that, I thought, what a gift her mother has given her to just not be hung up and obsessed and build her self worth. Around something that's so changing and fickle as your appearance.  And I thought, you know, I actually have a little bit of a gift in this area too, a related one. I was not particularly attractive in my teens or my twenties.

I was very ordinary. Very average looking, kind of girl next door at best.  And why I say that's a gift is that during those formative years, my sense of self, my self worth. My identity never formed around how I look.  It was just kind of a thing, right? Like I, my identity was in my accomplishments or my character or, um, my intelligence, I don't know, things that I had at least some control over and how I looked just wasn't really part of the picture.

It was sort of unremarkable.  And then there was this kind of happy accident that happened in my early to mid thirties. Which is that for the first time really in my life, at least the first time since I was a small child, I suddenly became what people regarded as pretty. I figured out what to do with my hair, thanks to a great stylist.

Just a number of things kind of all came together at once. And they all came together at a time when my own confidence was also peaking, and I think that helped a lot in how people saw me. But the gift that I see in that, beyond that my sense of self isn't tied up or tied to how I look, is also that I am keenly aware that people treat me very differently now than they did in my twenties. 

They regard me differently because of how I look.  And sometimes that makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes I'm appreciative of it because it's a gift and an advantage, but I'm not ignorant of it. And that I think is the real gift. You know, people who have been beautiful their whole lives or most of their lives, especially people who peak in their twenties, they take it for granted at first that they just deserve this attention and they deserve to, you know, have people's respect. 

And their character, in my opinion, often doesn't fully form. They kind of have this shortcut of people assuming that they're good because they look good.  And it also can really shake your self worth when you peak in your 20s physically in something that is, you know, according to society, so important how you look as a woman.

Well, what the heck happens after that? So many women kind of lose their way in their 30s, 40s, and 50s as they become seen as less valuable because they're not as pretty as they used to be. A lot of that's in our heads, sure, but a lot of that is in the society and the water that we swim in. So I see that as a really, a gift that I don't have that connection between how I look and how I should be treated or who I am. 

Another example I wanted to share with you comes from my partner. You know, his grandfather and his father both told him more than once, at low points in his life, when life just seemed unfair,  fair's got nothing to do with it.  You know, you can't, there's no deserve. You just get what happens in life and there's no grand unifying justice that you can expect to show up. 

And I think that was a really valuable belief for him to internalize at such a young age because I see he does not have the hang ups that other people have about what should be happening. About what people who do wrong deserve to have happen and so forth. And if he starts to go down that path, which I think we all know is a destructive way of thinking, he'll just catch himself and say, oh, affairs got nothing to do with it.

And so that really was a gift that his family gave to him without ever knowing that they were giving it to him, probably.  Another one for me on a kind of related note is I have this strong internal belief That I am responsible for my own destiny, for my income, for my level of success. I have this expectation that I've had since I was a young kid that if I have big dreams and big ideas.

Most people are probably going to find those hard to believe in, and I should be careful about sharing those with other people.  I think that's because I had the gift of growing up in a family where my father always kept an optimism that if there was something that was important to him or to me, a dream that we had, we could find a way to make it happen. 

And it gave me this identity and this belief that I am the kind of person who always finds a way.  That really is a gift, and I'm grateful to have that belief inside of me.  So what are some helpful mindsets or beliefs or experiences that shaped you,  that made you who you are, and have given you an advantage over people who don't think that way, or who haven't had that kind of experience? 

These are gifts. Write them down. Put them on your list.  All right, another category that I think is worth considering is your financial and global position. Relative to the rest of the world,  I'm going to take a guess that if you are listening to this podcast, there is a pretty good chance that you are up toward the top percent of the entire world's women when it comes to prosperity and money and opportunities. 

How often do you actually stop and consider that for the gift that it is  living in an environment where you can prosper, where you can better yourself? Not everybody has that gift,  living in a relatively safe, stable place where you don't have to worry and be constantly vigilant about being the victim of a crime or being swindled or hurt. 

That is a gift,  having educational opportunities. Access to good jobs, the ability to own a home, or to at least have good housing opportunities and options. The list goes on and on. Think about what is your financial position and your global position relative to the vast majority of people walking around on this earth. 

Those are gifts.  Put them on your list.  All right, this next category is, I'm going to wager an uncomfortable one for most women to take stock of, but we're going to do it anyway. The next category is physical characteristics.  As women, we are taught that our worth and our value revolves around how we look,  but we are also taught That we are supposed to be entirely unaware of how we look, or at least that we are attractive in any way.

That it is somehow problematic to recognize the gifts you've been given in this area for the gifts that they are.  That is silly.  If there is anything that looks good about you, own it, appreciate it, embrace it, write that crap down, girl.  When you hear someone else complaining about something, like the size of their nose, or the ways that their, the way that their knees look, or whatever weird thing it is that they're fixated on about their body, like that one of their ears looks different than the other.

We've all had that experience, right?  If you have never given any thought to that aspect of yourself, that's actually a really good moment to make a mental note of that.  It's a gift to never have needed to give any thought to how something on you looks when it's, you know, a source of discontent or struggle for someone else.

Now, of course, some women can seem to find every possible thing to dislike about themselves, but still, not having to think about something, that's a gift. So the example I often think of is, until I started dating, um, again, in my 30s and entered the world of online dating profiles,  I never once gave any thought whatsoever to my height. 

Then you get out there and you start talking to women and looking at things that people specify on their profiles. And you realize  some people have really strong opinions about height, like what's too short or what's too tall.  I'm, I don't know, five, five and a half, five, six, kind of just a nondescript height. 

And I never thought before that that's actually kind of a gift that nobody ever remarks on my height. There's nothing interesting or, or troubling about it to anyone. It's, it's just my height. That's nice. It's nice to not have to think about that. It's a little silly that some people have such obsessive, uh, height requirements for their dating prospects.

But, you know, that's an episode for another day. It's really good to be aware of what your distinctive and defining features are and embrace those. The things that make you different, that make you stand out, those are what make you special. Own them.  So, for example, I have great hair. My hair is unlike almost anyone else's hair.

I've met one other person on the entire planet, actually. She's kind of my doppelganger twin that lives in the Czech Republic, who has hair like mine.  And probably, I don't know, almost every day somebody stops me on the street and tells me, like, wow, you have such cool hair.  That's not something that most people get to experience.

That's a gift to have that and, and to have someone come into my life, my hairstylist, who could show me what to do with this mysterious hair that nobody else ever knew what to do with and really bring out the best qualities in it.  And you know, it's so interesting that often when a woman of a certain age is the one who gives me the compliment about my hair, particularly white, middle aged women, and I don't know why that category does this the most, they will follow it with, Oh, but you must hate it. 

And I've started to just say,  no,  why would I hate my hair? Because that's such an odd thing to tack on to the end of a compliment.  Um, you know, I try to sort of gently make the point that I mean, sure, there was a time when I was younger that I wished my hair looked like everyone else, but... If my hair didn't look the way it looked, you wouldn't have just stopped me on the street to tell me you liked it, and what's not to love about that? 

But there's that pressure, right, to not own what's great about you, what other people obviously appreciate. So, whatever your features are, your defining features, your lovely features, the things you've never even had to look about, you know, never had to think about, write those down! Those are gifts.  Think, too, about benefits that you overlook. 

For example, I will often hear women who have incredibly strong, muscular, defined legs complain about how their legs look. And I think, but my god, what does having legs like that allow your body to do?  I mean, You must be able to hike and run and bike, and it must come so much more easily to you since you have that ability to build muscle so easily.

Who cares what it looks like? I mean, I think it looks great, but regardless of it, it's a gift to have a body that can naturally do that.  Alright, well that's probably enough about how we look.  The next category I want to share with you...  Relationships.  Let's start with the kind of obvious one, your life partner. 

If you have a life partner, what is it that you appreciate there?  I could probably go on for, I don't know, a couple of hours about that one, but let me say one of the biggest gifts, even though it's such a seemingly small sounding thing that I have in a partner, is that he loves my dog, and he takes care of my dog.

On the coldest of days, he takes my dog out. Um, you know, early in the morning, when I have no desire to go out there, the worst part of, of having a dog, in my opinion, is having to go outside in the cold or the rain. And he takes care of my dog and his, just without,  I don't know, without any, even need for a thank you.

He just does it. And  I would say another big gift that I have in the life partner, uh, bucket is I just never knew until I met him that a relationship could be so happy, so effortless, and so easy. You know, I was thinking the other day I had something that I was really anxious about bringing up because I do not like conflict.

And I just thought, Oh, is this going to turn into a fight? I don't want it to turn into a fight. I don't like fighting. And I just said,  well, first, you know, he noticed I was really quiet and he said, um, what's up?  And I said,  I don't want to have a fight about this, but I feel like I need to talk about it.

And I, you know, shared what was on my mind. And he was like,  well, 

And you know, it's just, I really, it's easy to take that kind of gift for granted if you've,  I don't know, if you haven't paid attention, looked around you and seen what other partners can be like.  Now, if you are single  and you were eyeing, you know, rolling your eyes or feeling grumpy about that whole previous example of things to be grateful for, I mean, isn't it a great gift not to be in a crappy relationship with a low quality partner? 

Isn't it a gift to recognize that you don't want that or need that?  I mean, just look around to see all the crap that you're missing.  That is a gift, the ability to be single and be okay with it, be much happier single than with the wrong person.  Speaking of relationships, what about friends What gifts do you have in the friends department? 

Who's been on your side, in your corner, there to make you laugh or catch you when you're falling apart at different times in your life?  How have those friends been a gift to you?  In some cases, have they been the family that you didn't have?  And speaking of family, what can you appreciate now about your family that maybe you couldn't before? 

Even if they're a little dysfunctional, did they try?  Were they better than their own parents or grandparents? Usually, the answer is, yeah, they were, and that was a gift.  How did your family shape who you are, even if they weren't intentionally trying to be helpful in that area?  Who has stepped up and become the mother or the father or the brother or sister or other family that you never had? 

What a gift that is when people step in and fill some of that hole inside of you.  What about your community? Your neighbors, your church, the people that you interact with every day. What gifts do you have there in that human connection and people you get to see and talk to?  Think about at work. Have you had mentors, have you had friends at work who you laugh with, leaders who have inspired you? 

Every single one of those relationships. is a gift and probably has had a great impact on your life.  And of course, I got to bring it back around to pets again. What a gift our little furry friends are, feathered friends, scaly friends, whatever it is. What a gift not to be allergic to them. You know, if you have a cat or you have a dog and you love them, how great to be able to delight in that and not be sneezing all the time. 

Let's bring it around to a new category. Home.  What's special about your home?  What's sacred about it to you?  Where have you made it beautiful? Where did it come already beautiful and you just got that gift?  What do you almost take for granted about your home?  In my own home, At the, I have this home office slash creative studio, which I always wanted.

I got to paint it the color that I wanted. You know, I picked this house out on my own and that was such a gift to be able to do that and to be able to afford a house that was in a nice area that was safe, that was just the right size. And that was this almost blank canvas for me to make my own.  I love that I can walk into this room where I record this podcast.

And one wall is like a complete, you know, beautiful mind wall. It's got a gazillion post it notes for my novel. And another wall is full of inspiring writing heroes and little quotes and things. And it has my ukuleles and it has a mini guitar. I love everything about this space. It's such a gift to be able to work in a beautiful, quiet space. 

I also love my screened in porch. I always wanted a screened in porch, but I could never justify spending the money on adding one to my previous homes. But here, this house, it came with one. And of course, the irony of that gift is, the day that I moved into the house, I discovered the cellar hadn't disclosed that it had an enormous waterfall that poured through the roof.

So in the end, I actually had to pay to rebuild the screened in porch anyway. But what a gift that showed me, hey, it was worth every penny because I love that room. And I'll probably always have some kind of outdoor indoor space of some sort anywhere I live from now on because it is such a delight and such a gift in my life. 

If you are a renter, do you appreciate the joy and the gift that renting can be? That you never have to drop who knows how much money because your heating unit died or the roof is giving out? That is a gift and a joy too, to be free from those kinds of worries. If you're a homeowner, do you appreciate the gift of being able to make your space your own?

And probably of knowing that you'll never have to suddenly vacate it like you might if you're renting.  Alright, another category here is your talents and your skills. What comes easily to you, but is hard for other people,  do you appreciate that for the gift that it is?  I know people who can connect instantly with someone else, and they just have the gift of gab, they're great conversationalists.

That's something that I've become good at, but it's work for me, it's not effortless. So I'm simultaneously grateful for the gift that I was able to develop that skill. And I'm in awe that other people have a gift where they don't even have to work at it.  So as you're thinking about what to put on your list here of gifts, what have you become known for?

What have you become great at? What have you improved at?  How do others see you?  And what is the kernel of truth inside how they see you?  For example, a friend of mine told me recently,  Rebecca, I just think that you are fearless.  And of course, my immediate reaction was to think, Well, I mean, I'm afraid of things all the time. 

But there is truth in that. I do have a gift, which is courage. I'm afraid of things, sure, but I do them anyway. And I lean in and approach it instead of running away.  That's a gift to not be held back all the time by your fear and to have made that connection and that realization and made the choice to do something different. 

There are so many other gifts and so many other categories we could talk about. Your health, so on and so forth, but I'm just gonna leave you with, finish up your list. It should cover at least a full page, I mean almost every inch of the page. See where you land. Take inventory of your life's gifts, what you've been given. 

Well, it's time to share what I've been cooking up in the kitchen this week.  We had some leftover apple cider that I had bought for a different purpose. And, we had some leftover vegan whipped cream from a pie that we had made. And all of a sudden I started remembering, ugh, years and years ago I used to love to go into a coffee shop and get their caramel spiced apple cider with whipped cream on top. 

So I looked around the kitchen, and sure enough, I also had cinnamon. And, I had some caramel syrup for, you know, making lattes that we just had never really used. So I mixed it all together, put a little whipped cream on top, you know, heated it up, and it was so good. It was better than the one from the coffee shop.

And it was fun just to create something like that out of nothing.  So that's what I've been cooking up in the kitchen this week.  Well, chicas, that's all for today. For more episodes or links to the resources I might have mentioned, 

If you liked today's episode, please share it with your friends, post it on social media, make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss any episodes. I would value so much if you would leave a review on Apple Podcasts or whatever app you listen to podcasts. Until next time, chicas!