Meaningful Holiday Celebrations, with Cole Baker-Bagwell

This episode is all about how to bring more meaning, joy, and connection to your winter holiday celebrations! (Think: Winter Solstice, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years, and whatever other joyous occasions you celebrate during this time of year.)

Featuring special guest Cole Baker-Bagwell, host of the podcast She Grabs the Mic and a Master Certified Professional Coach who focuses on empowering women. Cole helps women reset from toxicity, connect with our greatness, and cultivate a thriving mindset, so that we can rock our lives, both personally and professionally.

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Transcript

 Welcome to the Get Yourself Together Chica podcast, the show that helps you thrive or, you know, sometimes just survive.  I'm Rebecca Fernandez. In each episode, we dive deep into something that has an impact on our lives as women, whether that's money or love, motherhood or friendship, our careers, or just making space for joy.

Welcome to episode number 11.  Today is all about how to bring more meaning, joy, and connection to your winter holiday celebrations. So, think: Winter Solstice, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year's, whatever joyous occasions you find to celebrate during this time of year. 

Now, I know that for some of our listeners, these are not necessarily cold winter months. And for others, for a variety of reasons, this might be a difficult time of year.

But no matter what your situation is, I bet that you'll take away some ideas that'll be useful. 

Before we dive into all of that, I am so excited to introduce my friend and today's very special guest, Cole Baker-Bagwell.  Cole is a master certified professional coach who focuses on empowering women. She helps women reset from toxicity, connect with our greatness and cultivate a thriving mindset so we can rock our lives both personally and professionally. Welcome, Cole. 

Cole: Thank you so much. I am stoked to be here with you today,  and I want to say thank you for all of the great work that you're doing to support women, to provide them with community, to help them get stronger and wiser and more confident in themselves.

Thank you so much. I appreciate you, Rebecca. 

Rebecca: Thank you for being here. Well, before we dive in, Cole, we have a little podcast tradition. I wanted to ask you to share what's bringing you joy right now. 

Cole: You know, I sit down every morning and I journal to  focus my mind on that very subject... What's bringing me joy?And then also what's important for me as I meet every day?

So my short list goes something like this. My dogs bring me enormous joy and remind me of what pure joy looks like. I mean, my husband gets home from school every day and you would think that these sweet pups have not seen him in. You know, they just get so excited, tails are wagging and they're making their little talking sounds and racing out to greet him. And that brings me enormous joy to witness that.

Hearing my son's voice. My son is an adult man now living in New York City. And to hear his voice, which I had the chance to do this morning,  brings me such enormous joy  to reflect on all of the wonderful blessings and good fortune that I have in my life, like health,  my freedom to do the work that I really want to do.

And then to share my life with who I consider to be, the sweetest and kindest man on the planet. Just positive. My husband, Andrew.

And then of course there is all the small joy that this season brings us. For me, my favorite part, Rebecca would be the little lights in our town.

We live in a tiny town in North Carolina. So the little snowflake lights they have up in the street, the little lights that I see in shop windows, the ones that we have on our home, the ones that are dancing on our Christmas tree. All of those things bring me enormous joy. 

Rebecca: That's so beautiful, Cole. It reminds me of when I was a kid and I had forgotten about this until you mentioned it. The little borough that I grew up in, in Pittsburgh, every year, and they still to this day, they seem to hang up the same exact set of little snowflake Christmas lights.  It's, one, amazing that those could last. I'm like, I wish you could buy those today, whatever they were. 

I also love the one about your dogs. There's no one who will love us quite like our dogs do. Is there,  you know?

Cole: Well,  it is a special kind of love. It is a purely unconditional and present love. And I, my life would be very empty without dogs. I mean, we've had them, I've had them my entire life. The more, the better, but what they've taught me, I read this really interesting stat recently that one week of our lives is equivalent to one day of theirs. Yeah. I  mean, we all know that they don't live long enough for us. They never do, even if they get to be 18 or 20 years old, it's never enough time. But  when I, when I heard that stat,  I thought, wow, and all they do is power themselves with joy and presence of this very moment.

They don't worry about what happened before. They don't skip ahead to what might be. It's just right now. And so the lessons I draw from them, aside from like the licks and the wags and the love and all of that snuggle time with them, what I really draw from them is a reminder about the importance and gift of presence and pure joy and just unleashing it at every moment that we possibly can.

Rebecca: That's so true. They just live in the here and now and they're better for it.  Well, let's jump right in and talk about ways to make this winter holiday season and your traditions and celebrations more meaningful, joyful, and connected. Cole, what's something that you would suggest? 

Cole: The first thing that comes to mind for me is this opportunity that we have to engage every single sense that we have.

I mean, we've, you know, so many wonderful ways to experience the world and our tendency this time of year can be to skip ahead, to get caught up in the details and, you know, striving for perfection. All of those things that keep us quite busy and quite separate from the opportunity that we have to hear the sounds around us, whether they are, you know, little birds in the trees that we might pick up on, on a walk, the sound of a person that we love on the other end of the phone, you know, decorating the tree and taking in that smell of pine and wonderful smell that's coming from the tree or from your kitchen.

You know, and then also I think we can take in mindful eating. So instead of just sitting down and stuffing our faces with what's ever in front of us to actually take the time to taste our food, we have so many taste buds on our tongue and taking a moment to actually  taste the food,  feel joy for that food and you know, make every single mealtime special, more special by, by doing that.

I'll tell you a quick story.  There was a little Buddhist monk named Thich Nhat Hanh, who taught me how to find joy in  all of the small moments of life. Even the ones that we don't particularly love. So, you know, the example of washing dishes, for instance.  Taking the time to be thankful and mindful. Find joy in the clean, warm water that's coming out of the faucet to be thankful and mindful of the plate that you were fortunate enough to wash because you had food to put on the plate.

Be thankful and mindful of the way that that food came to you, the farmers that grew it, the trucks that transported it, the humans driving the trucks, like the whole lineage of gratitude. And In finding that gratitude in these small moments by engaging every single one of our senses, whether it is touch, you know, our sense of hearing, our sense of smell, our sight, anything that we are lucky enough to have.

Putting those in to our, you know, center of focus and saying,  in this moment, what can I experience instead of in this moment, what can I do  in this moment? What can I experience through all of those senses? I think it just makes  this time of year and then every single moment of our lives so much richer.

Rebecca: That's really powerful. I'm even thinking about, you know, you described when you're decorating your home, there are sort of two very different approaches to that, right? One is the get it done, cross it off the list approach, and one is the actually taking the time to, to look at the things that you're maybe hanging on the tree or putting on the mantle or, you know, whatever you're putting up.

Cole: That's exactly right. We,  every year, I don't know, I'm so surprised, and I don't know why I am because I pack them up every year, but our Our little Christmas tree ornaments, you know, I,  I have curated from the time that my son was small,  every single ornament that he made. And then every year, you know, we've taken a, a little trip somewhere, even if it's just to a shop down the street and we've chosen an ornament that represents something about our family.

And so every single year when I unwrap them, which we did not too long ago, just a few nights ago, as a matter of fact,  I,  you know, unwrap the tissue paper and I allowed myself to feel the joy, to feel the memory. Of every single one of those ornaments are our tiny treasures is what I call them. And it was such a different experience  than  tackling decorating the Christmas tree as a task.

It was this  beautiful experience that transported me, you know, time traveled me back to vacations and conversations and, you know, small moments that just came alive in that moment for me, as I unwrapped every single tiny treasure and then decided. where they would get to be showcased on the tree this year.

It was, it was awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Fun. Do you have, do you have decorations like that from your kids?

Rebecca: I do. I don't have as much from when they were little, but I do have, you know, we try to pick out an ornament each year, or sometimes we do like a secret Santa or a naughty Santa. Type gift exchange and we'll often choose ornaments for those.

So it's fun to see, like, I noticed when we were putting ours up, I saw a little purple, like Minecraft llama. And of course my kids have mostly outgrown that stuff now, but it was cool to remember like, Oh yeah, that was such a big part of their lives for, you know, for. a few years there. Well, and it makes me think too, Cole, that I think some women who are listening to this will hear that and be like, Oh, wow, I should, you know, maybe start some kind of tradition in that area.

Maybe I want to start to, you know, put some kind of ornaments up from my travels or, or some such. And then some women will hear that and they'll think, Oh, it's too late. I should have done that. I should have started that earlier. So what would you, what would you say to somebody who's kind of falling into that perfectionist rabbit hole?

Cole: Well, first of all, come on out of it because perfection is a fruitless, fruitless journey. I mean, my God, we are, we are  imperfectly human all the time. And I would say that to the women listening who have not done that yet and have a desire to do it. Today's the day baby carpe diem go out and start it today.

It doesn't have to be, you know, perfect. It doesn't have to represent your entire history, but you have the opportunity in every moment.  To make a different choice for yourself. And if it's important to you and you want to start a family story,  go out there and do it. What's stopping you? 

Rebecca: For sure. And within a couple of years, I mean, you're not going to hardly be able to tell the difference of whether you started this 15 years ago or, or four years ago.

You know, the tree fills up fast. That's exactly right. This year I put up some ornaments and I came across one. It was this little tugboat that said Tacoma, Washington. And I had to pause and think for a moment, how did I end up with this little tugboat? And then I remembered, I mean, it must have been 15 years ago, I participated in this online message board that was mostly women and, you know, women at different stages of our lives.

And they decided that year they were going to do an ornament exchange. It's the only year I ever participated. I have, you know, not thought about many of these women in many years, which is kind of lost contact. But the woman who I exchanged an ornament with just, you know, we got matched up randomly. She was really a close online friend of mine for many years.

And she actually passed away from cancer. It's probably been 10 years ago. So it was just lovely to put that up there and remember, Oh, that came from Sue. Like I remember her, she was "EverFrugal" was her, her handle. And you know, it's, it's interesting that even small moments like that can take you back. If you really embrace them. 

Cole: Absolutely. I mean, these are the small joys that we have the opportunity to experience every single day. I mean, it's just, it's awesome. It's an awesome thing. And you know, I am no different from any other woman out there. Yeah. I have a busy schedule. I have, you know, full time job, have a family.

I have all of these different things that need my attention,  but choosing where we place our attention is something I have to remind myself of very often, too. I mean, all the time that  I can choose every single moment of my life. And  when I choose them mindfully, I experienced joy that does not come from the outside.

It comes from this internal place. And it's magical, Rebecca. It's absolutely magical. Just like this example of Sue and the tugboat, you chose to, instead of just throwing it up on the tree and saying, well, I don't know where it came from. It's cool. And okay, there it is. You chose to sort of get curious about that and investigate your own memory.

And as a result, you curated and brought it right, right in center to you, right to your awareness that this is who gave me this ornament and this is what that friendship represented to me. And in doing that,  you not only felt that joy of that experience that you had with those women. But you also brought Sue to life again this year, and how cool is that?

Rebecca: Yeah. Takes you back, some memories take you back to a different version of yourself, too, sometimes that you've even forgotten ever lived.

Cole: Mm hmm. Mm hmm. And some of those are hard. Some of those can be difficult. You know, it's not, um, every memory that we have is not going to be positive. But as I remind the women that I coach, you know, our memories are an interpretation of what actually happened  because you and I could be Standing in the same place at the same time Witnessing the exact same event  and I will recall that event very differently than you based on the experiences that we've had So, you know if we come across the memory that is difficult  I encourage women to, and this is a practice I have of my own too, to be with it and to ask myself, does that difficulty still have a place in my life right now?

Or do I want to let that sort of fade into the place where it belongs, which is a place that is no longer real  and create space for something that does belong here that can serve me more well in this moment and bring me more joy. 

Rebecca: That's really powerful. You know, one of the things that I have watched a lot of women I know start to do as we've moved into our 40s and our 50s is make the choice, even in difficult relationships that we've had or difficult times that we've had in our lives, to curate the good parts into memories that still have meaning and are positive to us.

You know, the big picture might have been tough. But there usually are at least a few little moments in there that you can kind of cultivate. 

Cole: Totally. That's an awesome point. And you're exactly right. I mean, it's, uh, Dr. Rick Hansen, who wrote The Buddha's Brain, says that negative thoughts stick to our brains like  Velcro and the positive ones bounce off like Teflon.

So it is having this awareness, as you said, that, you know, there are, there is beauty everywhere, even in the most difficult time. And we have the opportunity to choose to search for that joy, to search for that beauty, to, you know, almost data mine our own memory, so that we can bring those things up to the surface, up to, you know, the core of our awareness and, Fill our hearts and our moments with something that really does serve us well.

Rebecca: I love that. So all of the talk about sensory experiences and memories makes me think another good tip is that you can actually curate sensory experiences that connect to your memories at this time of year. So if you think about some of those favorite memories you have from being a child, let's say maybe you loved baking a particular cookie recipe with your grandmother.

You know, maybe this year, make a date with your kids or a friend to bake that same cookie together. So for example, um, I grew up in Pittsburgh, I think I mentioned, and there is one particular type of cookie that is a Pittsburgh tradition that's called a thumbprint cookie. It's kind of like a shortbread and it's got, it's rolled in sprinkles and there's a little indentation for your thumbprint in it.

And then it's filled with a very specific kind of icing. And they are like complete sugar bomb. And they're delicious. If you grew up in Pittsburgh, they're like a household food that everybody knows, but nobody outside of Pittsburgh is familiar with like this particular variation.

So that was one thing that's become a tradition in my home is I bake those with my kids every year. And you know, one of my kids has allergies, so it's a particular challenge. We keep trying each year to get closer and closer to what I remember, but they love it. You know, we we do that together. And then it's I'll talk to them about like, Oh, yeah, right here. You can smell when the cookies are almost done. You know, the scent kind of starts to come out of the oven.

So it really connects, you know, connects them into an experience I had as a kid, which is pretty powerful. 

Cole: That's a huge gift you're giving your kids. I mean, that's amazing. Like, I think sometimes, um,  like, do you ever wake up, Rebecca, even at the stage and age we are right now?

Like, we've been moms for a long time. Like, do you ever still wake up and go, wait a second, am I really the one in charge here? 

Rebecca: All the time. 

Cole: Right. Me too.

Rebecca: Like, who put the monkeys in charge of the circus?

Cole: Exactly. Exactly. And so, you know, what I have to remind myself of is  like your thumbprint cookies, which by the way, I've never heard of that variation. And I would love to experience those sometime with you. 

I, I have to keep in my mind that. All of the things that were so precious to me, those sensory experiences, um, that my great grandmother, my grandmother, my great aunt, my mother, like that they made sure  to, you know, offer us as we were growing up.

I have to remember the importance of taking those things on now, because of course  my great grandmother and grandmother are no longer alive in here, in this place. My mother is still here. Um, but at some point. You know, we take over the reins and we become responsible for passing those traditions down.

And so I think that's such a huge reminder and an opportunity for joy as we, you know, think about not only this time of year, but any time of year, if it's birthdays or, you know, Groundhog Day or whatever it is. If you had something that was precious to you  as a child growing up,  taking that into your home and making that part of the experience, the tradition for your own children is really, really meaningful and important  because that's the only way that those traditions of our ancestors actually stay alive.

So, I love that story. And I know that your kids, as they grow up and one day they'll have families of their own. They're going to be standing in the kitchen making Pittsburgh thumbprint cookies with their kids and saying, this is something my mom did with us. So that is such a huge source of joy as you are still struggling for the right recipe, knowing that every single thing that you're doing right now.

It's creating, you know, a placeholder in their mind, a little folder of love, of specialness, of preciousness that they will draw from, you know, they'll open that file up one day and look inside and say,  this is something that's really important. This is what, Christmas means in our family. It means thumbprint cookies from Pittsburgh.

Rebecca: Yes, for sure. And I think, too, it can be little things that, you know, little things stick in kids minds. Like, I remember one New Year's Eve in the trailer park that my mom and my stepdad lived in. We all went over to the neighbor's place. And somebody had bought sparklers for the kids.

Such a small thing, but I have no idea where they would have found those in rural New York in the 1980s, in January, it must've just been left over from the 4th of July, but there was something really magical about running around in the dark as a little kid later than we'd ever be allowed to be awake and just kind of chasing each other with these little sparklers, setting off those terrifying sparks of light.

And I hadn't. Thought about that. I mean, probably since then, but now I'm thinking that actually would be a really fun little addition to work into our new year celebrations. I mean, my kids would be delighted by that. And you know, it's, it's, so it's little things sometimes that can become a tradition too.

You don't have to necessarily have something that feels huge and meaningful for it to matter to your kids.

Cole: I love that point. I love that point so much, especially this time of year, because my God, the commercialism that is, you know, just at our fingertips all day long. It's so tough. It's so tough. You know, we  are convinced that unless it is some grand gesture, like a massive trip or expensive gift or some, you know, fabulously perfectly executed party, which again, perfection does not exist.

But in our minds, right? We, we still strive. Um,  it's important to remember that those little things are the things, they are the essence of life. They are the essence of joy of memories, like, and just having an experience together. If it's, you know, sparklers or cookies or playing a game of favorite family game or watching a fav, you know, favorite movie, like our family, my God, Rebecca, we watched the same Christmas movies or like five of them.

Every year and I look forward to it so much and so do every single member of my family like they love watching them. We know every single line,  you know, we, we know when to laugh before the joke comes, but it's just something that, that binds us as a family. Um, one of those tiny little things that is more important than most, any other thing that we could do together is just.

Snuggling in and watching a movie. It's awesome. Or five, in this case. Five movies. It's awesome. 

Rebecca: Yeah, we have a handful, too, of Christmas movies, and I think that's a particularly fun tradition in my house because my daughter is the, like, she loves every Christmas movie ever made. She wants to watch it during the month of December.

And my son kind of has a love hate relationship with every Christmas movie ever made. So, you know, it's, each night it's, we're going to watch Elf, or we're going to watch Arthur Christmas, and, you know, she's excited. I agree to it. And he's kind of like, okay, I guess if we have to, but then we same thing, you know, struggle and have fun and watch it.

So, you know, not every tradition has to be like, overwhelmingly embraced by every, every member of your family either. It's, it's unlikely to happen, but it'd still be meaningful. 

Cole: Yeah, absolutely. And I think the lesson that you're offering to your children  in that moment is  it's just a big message of love.

It is, you know what, this is important to your sister. This brings her joy. And there are other things that you want to do that bring you joy that she may not particularly love, but when we all come together and, you know, Agree and honor the little things that just matters so much for another person, like somehow I know that that actually brings us to a two, because we've given that person a gift  that was not so easy for us to give.

So in your son's case, the gift of sitting down and watching Elf or Arthur, um, His sister is remembering that and so he's giving her that very special gift and she will remember that and one day he will too. It's awesome that you're doing that as a mom.  That's a beautiful way to frame it too.

Rebecca: So what's on your Christmas movie list?

Cole: What are the recurring movies?  Okay, so we have Christmas Vacation, which is, you know, a staple. My favorite movie of all time, no matter what movie will ever be made moving forward is Love Actually. Oh my God, every single year I, I cry, I laugh, I feel all the Christmas feels like  it's, you know, just.

The most amazing movie ever. Um, then we have this debate in our family as to whether Die Hard is actually a Christmas movie  But because I have men in my family, we've agreed that yes, it is This is one of the gifts of self I give to them because I don't really classify it But I'm like, all right, we're gonna watch Die Hard.

So that's three then we have four Christmases  That's the other one and then I've never heard of that one. Oh, it's great It's Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon and this sort of star studded cast. It's hilarious I'm gonna look at it. I don't know if I would have that for your  Yeah. I think that's more of an adult one or at least a, an older kid kind of movie, right? It's like PG 13.

Rebecca: Look at the parents guide. Gotcha.

Cole: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There, there's the disclaimer for every woman listening. And then of course, like Elf is absolutely on the list every year. I love Will Ferrell. I love his silliness. I love, you know, His joy in that movie, Rebecca, reminds me of like what my dogs would be like if they could actually talk words.

That's what it feels like for me. That's so true. So those are the top five.  How about for you, aside from Arthur and Elf? 

Rebecca: Yeah, so we have a long list and I should specify because it seems that nobody on the planet except for my family has ever heard of this movie called Arthur Christmas. It's not Arthur the little PBS guy cartoon.

This is this British British Christmas movie from probably like the early to mid 2000s. And it's, it's fantastic. I mean, it's hilarious. We watch it every single year. It's a picture like Christmas is this giant operation where there's a huge sort of first class space shuttle type thing. And the elves are kind of like little army of.

Of well trained soldiers. It's, it's a really good movie. So, if you haven't seen it, it is available on Amazon prime. Highly recommend. It's a good one to add to the, to the list, but so that one's my favorite. We always, of course, watch Elf as, as I think many families do. And then I don't know, we have kind of a long list after that.

This year we made a jar and everybody got to submit movies to the jar and then we shake it up and the jar chooses each day. What are we going to watch? So that's been kind of fun. Somebody threw "It" in the other night and I did override that. But,  but in general, I'm, I'm open to, to alternative movies and I do believe Die Hard is in there.

So,  well, let me ask you this for folks, maybe who come from families who either the traditions feel overwhelming to try to carry on as they are, or maybe they just don't have a lot of traditions that they do. How would you advise them to go about creating their own traditions? What would you be thinking about?

Cole: I think the first thing that I would offer is this question,  what kind of experience do you want to have this holiday season?  And then, you know, after you sort of draft that up, um, maybe it is in feeling, maybe it is thinking, you know, what overall experience do you want to have? Do you want the people around you to have as well?

I think then,  It becomes easier to sort of  curate a short list, maybe just one thing, maybe it's just one tradition and one is enough,  you know, in a society that tells us more is better. That is not true. One is enough. So if you drill down into that one question, what do I want to experience? What do I want the people who I love to experience with me?

And you come up with one tradition.  That you can really execute and really have fun executing.  I think that's where you begin. And then maybe next year you stick to that one and it is solid as a rock and it's something everybody looks forward to.  And maybe that is the one sort of anchor point for every season moving forward.

Or maybe  you decide next year, well, that one went really well. And there's this other thing that I really wanted to do last year, but I didn't have enough bandwidth. So. I'm going to add that to the mix this year. So yeah, I think Rebecca, that's, that's where I would start is just with the mindful question of what do, what do I want to experience and what do I want the people around me that I'll be spending the season with, or my family, like the people that I love, what do I want them to experience with me?

Rebecca: I love that very intentional approach. And you know, it's really easy to make a new traditions, especially with kids. I always tell the story. I one Saturday made waffles with my kids. And then the next Saturday, I just happened to make waffles with my kids. And on the third Saturday, my kids were like, but we always have waffles on Saturdays.

Um, so, you know, don't be super intimidated and think that this has to be a huge, difficult thing. Just kind of set the ball in motion and there's a good chance that people around you will, will pick up on and run with it. Or I think about, I have so many Jewish friends whose Christmas day tradition is they go to the movies and watch a movie and they eat Chinese food.

Because those are the only things that are open no matter where you live on Christmas Day. Yeah. But it really does become kind of their own tradition at this time of year. 

Cole: I love that point about the waffles that you did, you only did it twice and then in your kids mind it was, Oh, this is every Saturday.

Saturdays are waffle days with mom. How awesome is that? I mean, you know, children are,  they are not complicated. They are, you know, as far as just  being filled with joy and being filled with presence, most kids are this way. I mean, that's how we're wired, you know, from a brain science standpoint. So I think that  doing something small in your example is so beautiful and so perfect, this tiny, but loving act of making waffles and all of a sudden your kids know this is Saturday for me. In my house. It's waffle day. I love it. 

Rebecca: Yeah, I might be a little over committed to waffles now, but  we don't, for the record, make waffles every Saturday, but I did think it was, it was cool that they so readily latched on to. You know, a tradition I didn't even realize I was accidentally making.  Well, before we dive into our last couple of tips, I wanted to take a moment and ask, what have you been reading lately?

Cole: I am reading one of my most favorite books ever  for, I think like the 10th or, you know, 20th time, I don't know. I've lost track.  It's called the book of joy and it is a conversation.  That takes place over the course of a week between the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, who is no longer here with us. Um, and it is just the most beautiful reminder of compassion and joy.

And, you know, it's one of those books that.  Every page is, you know, dog eared, you know, some of the pages have coffee or dog drool or whatever, because I have spent so much time with this book. The reason I am reading it now, again,  is because for me,  I want joy and I want love and I want compassion  to be front and center presence, you know, to be front and center for me this holiday.

And I can't think of a better book.  in my library than that one to be able to,  you know, give me that reminder and to really just sink in and get this perspective that even when things are hard,  even when life throws us curve balls,  that we have this opportunity to experience joy, compassion, to offer one another, you know, understanding and to be in a place of mindful presence.

So  that's, that's what's, you know, on my bedside table right now that I am reading and Loving it this time just as much as I did the very first time that I read it. How about you? 

Rebecca: On my reading list at the moment, actually, this is one of those, like, I feel like maybe the universe is nudging me in this direction, so I was at my best friend's house, and I saw she had a copy of a book by one of my favorite authors, Arthur C. Brooks, and it's co written with Oprah Winfrey. And I didn't know he had a new book out. Um, I think it's called build the life you want. And I thought, Oh, I should read that. And then I forgot about it. And then this morning she texted me and said, Hey, you have Spotify premium, right? Did you know they have audio books and they have that book that you wanted to read?

And so I was like, Oh, that's cool. I have to check that out and promptly forgot about it again. And then, an old coworker slash friend of mine texted me out of the blue and sent me a picture of his. all of his favorite books that he read in 2023, because we like to share books. And that book was at the top of his list too.

So I was like, okay, this is three times in the span of a week and a half. I'm going to, so I marked it on Spotify and now I'm going to give it a listen and maybe try to walk around outside while I listen to it.

Cole: I love it. Oh my gosh. So the universe sent you that book three times.  Must be something there.

Rebecca: Yeah.

Cole: Absolutely. There's something in there. That's amazing.

Rebecca: I'll put a link in the show notes, um, to both books, actually, in case anybody listening is interested as well. Perfect. All right. Well, let me bring us back around then to tips for bringing more meaning into the holiday season. You spoke, actually, this one ties nicely into your, um, book recommendation.

I know one of the things that you've been a big advocate for is really cultivating and maintaining a mindset of joy. So what does that mean to you for the holiday season? 

Cole: Gosh. You know,  I think it just boils down to being present, present for all of the.  The tiny moments, the big moments alike  to allow ourselves to give ourselves permission to let go of a past that no longer exists,  to let go of any worry about the potential future.

As my friend Lauren likes to call it  and to really connect with.  Every single thing that's going on in this moment, even, even, you know, if it's not something that pleases us  to connect with awareness so that we can be right here, right now, and what I've learned, I've been practicing mindfulness and teaching for a long time.

My personal practice, which I emphasize practice presence is practice, and I am still practicing every single day after all these years.  It's about creating space for this moment because it is the only one that is real. And the simple truth is we have more agency over our minds and our bodies than we realize.

What I've learned is that through experience of my own and then also through teaching is that when we can allow the past and the future to melt away  and we can shift our entire being, our mindset, everything right here in this moment,  we actually begin to not only become more clear about what really matters in our life, but we also have this opportunity  to really become more well in body and mind that the chatter in the brain begins to, you know, quiet, which means the  Inflammation, the stress levels in the body begin to reduce.

And then we just generally have this like easier vibe. So, you know, body and mind are, are integrated, tightly coupled. There's no two ways about it. So I think, um, realizing and remembering that we have the power  to create a mindset of joy. That will serve us well, you know, improve mental health and improve physical health, um, allow us to really live to the fullest of our human potential is so important.

So for me, I think, you know,  taking a moment to ask ourselves, what are we doing to fuel presence in our lives? You know, where do we have opportunities? Maybe it's between conference calls or emails. Maybe it is, you know, picking the kids up or watching them play sports without your phone, just being there, um, you know, sitting at dinner without  television,  just conversation.

I mean, we say just conversation, but as you know, in a society that is so. Sadly, lonely and more stressed than we've ever been before. Historically as human beings,  to me,  remembering that we have the power to choose our mindset and therefore choose how we experience our lives  has never been more important.

And we do have the choice as well to choose a mindset of rumination and negativity, or to choose a mindset of optimism and joy and possibility. So I think that, you know, presence is the key to all of those things.  So that's what I would, I would say, and then, you know, through that presence.  Our lives become more full and rich with love and joy and gratitude and  ease and clarity and all of the things that truly help us be more well for ourselves and  show up in that place of wellness for every single one around us.

Rebecca: That makes a lot of sense. I think too, um, when you think about stories that we tell ourselves, like you were talking about.  I think for a lot of women, we tend to be the family organizer, the family planner, the cruise ship director, you name it.  And I think that while most of us fall into that role because, you know, deep down we enjoy it.

We like knowing things are going to be, you know, just so, and they're going to be good. It also can start to create these mental stories about obligation. So it's easy to start feeling like because I've done these things in the past, I'm obligated to do them whether I want to or not, you know, everybody expects me to do it.

And for me, like really cultivating that shift of, okay, am I starting to feel like weight of obligation versus joy? And what can I do to shift my mindset and maybe shift my actions away, um, in a new direction? 

Cole: Totally. I mean, maybe order the Chinese food, like, you know, instead of you're planning like the meal or you're planning a big get together, order the Chinese food.

Nobody cares. All they care about is the fact that everyone is together, you know, that meal, it's going to be special no matter what is on the table. And it's going to be more special to your point if,  if creating that experience for yourself and for others is done from that place of joy, instead of something you have to do something that becomes a heavy lift. I absolutely love that could not agree more beautiful. 

Rebecca: Yeah, I find for me too that it's often I like novelty and I get as much as I like traditions I also get kind of bored and feel hemmed in by them And so I was feeling weary last year. I was like, I'm gonna do the Christmas dinner and there's gonna be 8 of us, but  I just felt kind of tired even thinking about it, and I was like, you know what, why don't I just embrace the chaos and the fact that we're going to have four kids here who all want to help? And let's kind of do a little nod to my Italian roots, and let's do a full-on Feast of the Seven Fishes.

And it got me excited, even though it was, you know, in many ways more work, it got me excited about doing it and about that experience together. So it got everybody involved. They all helped choose what are the seven kinds of seafood we're going to perfect prepare where the dish is going to be like, who's helping with what who's going to be the host while we're getting that course ready.

And it really became a great memory. And then this year, I had to watch myself again because my partner right away was like, We should do it again this year. And I was like, Oh, my God, it's going to be so much work. So I kind of took a step back and said, Okay, what was it about that day that made it so special?

And what we settled on was, okay, we're going to do a smaller version this year, more scaled back, but that embraces the best parts of it. So we'll still go to the seafood market. That's a special treat for us. We don't usually eat, you know, any kind of animal stuff. So that was really fun. And there's even, we love the family that runs the seafood market. So it's really kind of fun just to go in and talk to them.

But we're just going to make a few smaller dishes and focus on kind of spending the time together. You know, cause it's, it's easy to get, for me anyway, it's easy to get kind of caught up in the production and the pageantry if I'm not careful and then sort of feel tired of it all.

So I think you can kind of, you know, rework your traditions each year based on where you are and where your mindset's at. 

Cole: Absolutely. You sure can. And I love that seven fishes story. I, as you were telling it, Rebecca, I was seeing you in the kitchen with your partner and all the kids and.  I, I was seeing all of the, you know, items being prepared and the joyful chaos that was likely happening in your kitchen.

And what I got tickled about the most was you, you know, just bucking tradition and saying, I'm going to do it my way. And guess what? That's a tradition too. I mean. Your Bucking tradition becomes a tradition and, you know, of your kids saying, gosh, I wonder what mom's going to come up with this year. Cause last year it was this.

And I wonder what we're going to do that's different because, you know, she's an untraditional kind of decide for herself what she wants to do in the moment kind of woman. I love it. That's awesome. That is it.

Rebecca: That is very insightful. Thank you. I hadn't thought about it that way.  Well, let's talk about what about when things go wrong.

What would you what would you tell folks in those moments? So they're putting their effort into this season and something goes horribly wrong .

Cole: Well,  you know, I think I think firstly Wrong is subjective.  So it's wrong for who you know, is it wrong for you? Is it wrong for someone else? So kind of exploring the word like wrong, like where did it come from and what do you think is right?

What do you think is wrong? Because, you know, our tendency, I mean, deep neural conditioning, um, is a real thing. And we grow up as kids and even as adult children being told this is right and this is wrong. And one of the most amazing and liberating and bad ass things about being a grown up woman  is that we get to choose.

What do we think is right or wrong? So that's my first response.  And then my mind goes to this one year. My mom was a single mom for a long time, raising three girls and my God, that woman wore herself out every single holiday, like striving for perfection, you know, overachieving because my dad was not around and she wanted us to always feel like we had everything.

Um, so  there was this one year we were in Richmond, Virginia. And she had put up this beautiful Christmas tree.  Well, the stands back then, you know, in the seventies.  We're sort of shaky. I mean, the stands now are like awesome, but the Christmas tree stands then not so much. They had these like metal screws that went in the side and they kind of went into the tree and there was a spike in the middle.

And if you didn't get it just right, do you remember, right? So if the, if the tree wasn't perfectly positioned in the middle,  there was a potential for.

Well, my mom was a single mother, as I mentioned, so she was hauling this tree in every year. So I think that year we had like a nine foot Christmas tree and kind of like Griswold style, right? Like too big for the room. It was wide. It was tall. It was heavy. It was all of those things leaking sap as she's like trying to bring it into the living room by herself.

Bless her heart.

Rebecca: Oh, your poor mother.

Cole: I know. I know. Right. I mean, she was, she was a badass. She still is. She's still alive, but at this moment in time, like she was a particularly, um, you know,  big badass, like in, in this moment of her life. So she's hauling the thing and she gets it in the stand. And I remember looking at it as a little girl and I could tell that something was like a little off about the tree.

So then, you know, she proceeded to unpack all the, all the tiny treasures, the ornaments, which a lot of them were irreplaceable. They had come from Europe and she had gathered them when I was a little girl and, and she and my, my bio dad were living there and they were very dear to her. So she's placing them all on the tree.

She gets it all set up and it's just gorgeous and beautiful. And then that night in the middle of the night, we hear this horrible sound, Rebecca.  And we raced downstairs and the tree had fallen over  with all of the tiny treasures I know. And my mother sat there and cried and cried and cried. And, and now that I think about that moment, she was crying not just for the ornaments, but because this thing that she had tried to make so perfect and beautiful for us  had gone quote unquote wrong.

So I remember her pulling the Christmas tree up, you know, this is the middle of the night and she's vacuuming the glass so we wouldn't get it in our little feet. And then the next morning, I came downstairs and there was rope,  there was rope going from the middle of the tree to the banister of the stairwell.

And I mean, this rope, like, she probably could have, like, pulled a truck with this amount of rope, but she was determined. That that tree was going to stand up  and, and so she took the remaining ornaments that had not, you know, gotten smashed to bits and she hung those back up and that next day after she had regrouped and the tree was roped up and was certainly not going anywhere, she said girls were going to the store.

And we're going to choose some new ornaments this year that all of us have chosen together.  And that, I remember that as being one of the most beautiful trees that we've ever had in spite of the thing that went quote unquote wrong. So that's what I would say, like investigate the word, investigate what it means for you.

Investigate how much truth  that word has now. As an adult woman, and then if something goes like a rye or doesn't go the way that you've planned,  where can you pick that tree back up, rope it to the banister and make a new decision for yourself? 

Rebecca: And you know, sometimes it helps to just to remind yourself of stories like that, that like often the things that go wrong are what makes some of our best memories.

Cole: For sure. Yeah, certainly was true in my case. 

Rebecca: I remember one Christmas, we had a gift that one of the kids really wanted, and it arrived with a massive dent and rip in the box, um, you know, on Christmas Eve. And fortunately, Santa had the foresight to leave a note and apologize for the damaged gift. But the note explained that a reindeer had stepped on the gift.

And so he'd be making a very special delivery sometime in the next few weeks. Um, when the elves had some time to make a new one and our kids talked about that almost nonstop for weeks afterward, like instead of it being a, you know, a really disastrous kind of Christmas morning, it was something that they probably got more enjoyment than whatever the gift was in the first place.

So a little creativity might help sometimes too, like with the tree and the rope.

Cole: It's a good one. No doubt. What a story. What a fabulous story. And did Santa make good on his promise? 

Rebecca: Yeah. Yep. The, uh, the elves dropped something off a few weeks later that was a non broken version.

Cole: So. That's awesome. I love it. It's beautiful. 

Rebecca: Well, Cole, it's time to share what's been blowing your mind this week. 

Cole: Ooh,  you know, I see generosity and kindness everywhere. I'm looking this week, and I think the thing that I'm most astounded by  is how much I'm noticing that this year compared to other years. And I'm not really sure why, um,  but it is true.

Nonetheless, I mean, small little examples from, you know, driving down the streets of our very small town. I mean, our town is like, A combo of Schitt's Creek and Northern exposure, like having a baby, like it's tiny, tiny, tiny, but I see, you know, people smiling. I see people talking in our one little cafe in town with no phones, just super engaged with one another.

I see people helping one another. I see beauty everywhere I'm looking. I am more grateful of. The kindness that my husband, Andrew offers me every single morning. And I'm like,  just blown away by how,  how obvious it is for me this year. And  like I said, I'm, I'm, I'm astounded because I'm not sure exactly why, but I think something.

That is, is in the works right now, um, is not only, you know, choices I've made to place my mindset to recognize those things more readily, but also like we've just slown down so much from our past life of, you know, living in Raleigh, living downtown, rushing, you know, from here to there, keeping pace, you know, trying, trying to make everything right and perfect and shove it all into the day.

We've settled into this flow of. ease  and  imperfection and knowing that whatever happens that day is, is perfectly fine. And it is perfectly perfect because that's the way the day went. So I think maybe that's what's contributing to the mindset and to  the way that I'm noticing that this year, but it has been a beautiful, beautiful thing to experience.

Rebecca: Well, thank you so much for joining the show today, Cole. It's been a blast and I really appreciate you sharing all of your ideas and insights with our listeners. And if people want to find you, where should they look?

Cole: They can go to my website, which is colebakerbagwell.com and they can also find me at Cole Baker Bagwell on LinkedIn.

And I would love to hear from any of the women to meet the people who are listening to your podcast. Thank you so much for having me. And again, Rebecca, thank you for all of the great work that you're doing, um, in this world to help women. I am super grateful for you. And, and again, have loved being here with you today.

Rebecca: Well, thank you, Cole. And Cole also is very modest and not mentioning it, but she has a fantastic podcast called she grabs the mic. So I'll put a link to that in the show notes. Cause I'm sure that folks will want to hear more. Thank you so much, Cole.

Cole: Thank you. Happy holidays.

Rebecca: Well, chicas, that's all for today. For more episodes or links to the resources I might have mentioned, visit GetYourselfTogetherChica.com/podcast. If you liked today's episode, please share it with your friends, post it on social media, make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss any episodes. I would value so much if you would leave a review on Apple Podcasts or whatever app you listen to podcasts.

Until next time, chicas.