More joy and peace, on purpose

Do you find yourself zooming in and double clicking on the negative things in life? In this episode, I share how I'm working on cultivating more joy, peace, and optimism every day.

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Transcript

This is episode number 26. And today we're talking about how you can experience more joy and more peace on purpose. In some episodes, I share things with you that I have overcome, and that I'm great at. And in other episodes like this one, I share things that those of you who know me well, will think: physician, heal thyself first. This is absolutely something that I am actively working on, that I am very much a beginner at. 

And I hope that in recording this episode, that I myself will be able to reflect back on it a year from now and use it to refresh my mind. And also see how far I've come. 

So we'll talk about a number of different strategies that you can try out to lighten up and experience more joy and more peace on purpose. To shift your attention and your awareness away from heaviness, from difficulties, from problem solving. And toward happiness, lightness, ease. Because who doesn't want a little more of that in their lives? As always, if you have feedback, stories, tips, questions. You can send them to podcast at get yourself together. chica.com and you can find pretty much anything we talk about today in the show notes at get yourself together. chica.com. Slash podcast. 

But first I want to share, what's bringing me joy right now. Yesterday I took a walk down to the lake with my dog, which sometimes is a little bit of a struggle because he is a leash puller and loves to chase squirrels, but he also gets so happy when we leave the house. So I try to indulge him at least now and again, in a walk to some destination that will be fun. But anyway, I happened to see a blue Heron out on the lake. It's definitely not a frequent occurrence. And it was just such a delight to go down there and watch the Heron with him. Sometimes when I start looking at a blue Heron and I have the dog with me, the heron will immediately fly off. 

It doesn't really like being observed. I think by the dog specifically. But yesterday, the Heron just stood there in the water and looked right back at us. And I had a whole conversation with Iggy about the Heron, which probably sounds a little silly, but I have found that one great way to cultivate joy, as you'll hear later on in this episode, is to take the time to talk about what you're seeing and what's bringing you joy in the moment, even if that's with your dog. Don't judge.

The first time that I remember being aware that I have a tendency to fixate on problem solving and negativity and what could be improved at the expense of celebrating and noticing what's working well. And what's positive. My first moment of awareness with this came about 12 years ago. I was working in a job where every quarter we released this fun video called the show. And there would be a party that went along with it. It was something that went out to the whole company and my team, that was something that we worked together to produce. And as we were cleaning up after one show party and the release of the show, I started telling one of my colleagues, all of the things that I thought we could improve for next time. We could do this differently with the subtitles and we could do this differently with when people are coming in and with the food. And she gave me this look of sheer exhaustion. And she said. Can we just celebrate that this one is done. Even for one hour before you start rushing on to the next one. And telling me all the things that we need to do better. 

And I was really taken aback by that. It had not occurred to me. That people do that. That they celebrate something without instinctively looking for, but what can we do better next time? That those could be two very separate moments. And separate conversations. Or even that there was cause to celebrate at all. 

Like we were just doing our jobs, our job was to get this done. We got it done. What is there to celebrate? That was really how I saw the world at that time in my life. And it's still a little bit of a struggle with me. Over the next 10 years, from time to time, I would get that feedback from different caring colleagues that, Hey, the team needs you to celebrate our wins. They need to know that we're doing a great job. 

They want to observe that they want to be recognized for that. And it's not that I don't express appreciation. It's just that when there's anything that could be better. I enjoy jumping into how do we make it better next time. 

And I thought for a long time, that was just a personality quirk . I didn't realize that I have a tendency to bring this very relentless quality to the work that I do. I've always known that I often worked better alone when it came to accomplishing things, but I didn't realize that was why. That for other people, they needed to experience appreciation. They needed to experience gratitude. They needed to celebrate and recognize. I knew it for their projects, but I didn't realize for the ones we worked on together, as silly as that sounds and it's something I've worked on a lot over the years, but I never realized it's something I need to work on for myself, too, not just for the benefit of other people. And I caught myself recently doing it again. 

This time with college admissions, for my son, he had just gotten the letter saying that he got into the college that he most wanted to go to, which was just. A wonderful thing. It doesn't work out that way for many kids that their number one choice is where they get to go. And I saw myself saying like, wow, congratulations. 

That's so great. And then immediately, okay. And then the next thing we need to do, and the next thing we need to do, and the next thing we need to do. You know, here is these five things that are next on the list. And fortunately, I kinda caught myself and said, I'm doing that thing right now. Sorry. Let's just pause. And celebrate this moment and enjoy this. Uh, there will be plenty of time for that later. And, my kids are very gracious human beings. They they've figured much embrace and love me Despite, or maybe because of the things that I'm not great at. And so, he just laughed and said, it's fine, mom, I get it. But I noticed for the first time, how that tendency. I really can put a damper on everything. It can make something that should be a wonderful, joyous moment. Turn into it to do list. 

So yeah, not great.

More recently I've started to connect the dots between some of the challenges that I've faced in my life and this particular tendency. There's lots of research that shows prolonged periods of difficulty, chaos, trauma. Especially in childhood. Rewire our brains to fixate on risks or risk mitigation. Problems or problem solving. Anxieties or worries, ruminating on what might go wrong, stressing over what we said or what we didn't say, what we did or didn't do. Really just, it makes you notice the spot that somebody missed. And see that more intently than the entire room that they cleaned. Or the one angry or sad face in the crowd rather than the 99 welcoming faces. 

It's an expression of hyper vigilance, of being on guard all the time. I always have to be better. I always have to be looking out. I always have to be making sure that everybody and everything is okay and we're on track and we're improving and we're excelling. So on and so forth. 

Because I'm a very happy person. Somebody who's always laughing. Who's usually having a good time, who brings a lot of levity to almost any tense situation, I thought of myself. As an optimist. I'm pretty good at seeing the bright side of things. Seeing the silver lining, figuring out ways to reframe difficulties and turn them into opportunities. Challenges. If you spend time with me, you'll see. I don't wallow. I don't like to talk for hours about stuff that gets me down. That's not me. And I don't like how that makes me feel. So I pull myself back from that. 

But what I hadn't noticed. Really until this year is that. What precedes that quality? What precedes that optimism? Is an intense focus on negativity and zooming in on it. So it's good that I'm able to transform those things and bring that upbeat nature to any task. And it's a challenge that my default state of being and default noticing is negative, is risk. One way I became aware of this was when I wake up in the mornings. I almost always, I would say probably nine mornings out of 10. 

My mind immediately starts going towards something negative. Some problem to be solved, some challenge I'm grappling with something I didn't do well enough. Someone that I hurt in the past, someone that I let down, someone that didn't like me. Just really strange things that hit me first thing in the morning when I wake up. And I suppose I just didn't realize that not everybody wakes up in this state most of the time, because we only get to occupy our own brains. 

We don't know what other people are thinking. And so when my boyfriend is there, I started asking him in the morning. Oh, what are you thinking about? 

And I was so surprised to learn morning after morning, whatever he was thinking about, it was always something lovely or funny, hilarious, sometimes, it was something neutral or interesting, I'm thinking about the guitar that we saw when we were in Spain last year. I'm thinking about how the dogs were running around last night, playing with each other. I'm thinking about what we were going to cook tonight for dinner. I'm thinking about that rabbit that was attacking your plants that you planted last year. And wondering if he got mad when we put up the fence around them. I mean, just these really. Adorable sweet things. And. I always kind of glad that he didn't ask me back right away. What are you thinking about. I would've been like, well, doom and gloom. Um, but. From time to time. 

I have mentioned, oh, that sounds so nice. I want to come live inside your brain. Here's what I woke up thinking about. But one thing he made me aware of is that he has times when he wakes up in that state where he just, wakes up fretting about something or worrying about something. And he said, oh yeah, I can't lay here in bed if I'm thinking those things. 

When I start having those kinds of thoughts, I know I need to get up. I think I need to stop that train and get moving. And. Again, I just never realized that was an option. Sometimes I will lay there for a while making myself miserable or afraid and then be like, okay, I just got to get going. But it didn't occur to me to think I should get up now. Laying here and thinking about this is not helpful or productive and I'm in a stuck spot. 

So it's time to get out of this spot. So having that view into his world. Just made me realize my default state is much bleaker than his is. I love hearing what's inside his mind in any given moment, because. Vast majority of the time, it's something wonderful. 

The trouble with a brain that is wired to hypervigilance and fear and uncertainty and anxiety is that what we see tends to be more of what we get out of life. So even if we're pretty good at reframing that default state, if that's where we fixate at first, then the chances are more and more difficult things are going to come our way. And the good news is we can rewire our brains to focus our attention on and magnify the good. And so I'm going to share with you some ways that I have done this in the past that I have found effective, some strategies that I've learned from other people that I'm currently trying, and some of the things that I am hoping to put into practice over the next few weeks and see how those work out for me. 


Notice and highlight the good
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First up are a number of strategies that can help you notice the good and highlight the good every day. So the first one is one that I came up with when my kids were little and it was part of their bedtime routine. And I had completely forgotten about it until this week, but it used to be something that I was not allowed to leave the room at night unless we had done it. It is a little exercise I call what was your favorite thing? So we would just take a moment at the end of the day. And we would each say, what was your favorite thing today? And it was a really cool way of getting to know my kids better. But it also was a good way of noticing and remembering the little things. And highlighting them. Holding them up in the spotlight for a moment. And so my favorite thing might've been going to the park or my favorite thing, might've been. Having a cupcake. Or my favorite thing, might've been getting a hug at the end of the day. It was always a little thing, but it was something nice to remember. And I have brought this one back into my life more recently, at the end of the day here and there, I will do it with myself. When I sit down at night to write in my five-year page a day journal, I will ask myself what was my favorite thing today. And then I will try to capture that. Another variation on this I learned from my friend, Leah, which is called the daily delights. What were your daily delights today? 

This is something she does in the car with her girls on their way, home from school. And they each take a moment and just hold up I think it's three different delights of the day. You'll recognize it's a spin on the gratitude journal. Most people, I talk to seem to find that asking someone to list what they're grateful for, kind of feels like a chore, but if you can reframe it in, what was your favorite thing or what was something that you delighted in today? That's a lot more palatable for most of us. Another way of doing this is something I got from Gretchen Rubin's latest book, life in the five senses. And that is to use your five senses to create a portrait. So a portrait of your day. Of a trip or maybe a day while you're on vacation. Of the moment that you're in, of a person or a place. 

And so you distill it down to, if I could think of just one sight that captures today or this trip or this moment, or my grandmother. What would that site be? One smell. One sound. One taste. One tactile touch. 

And we started doing this on vacation quite a bit at the end of the day. Just talking about all right, what were your five best senses of the day? And it was really neat how it brings things to your attention that other people indulged in or enjoyed that otherwise you might've missed, but it's also a nice way at the end of the day if you want to journal in a way that helps you notice and highlight the good. Or if you want to reframe your memories about a person or a situation. It's also a good way to notice the experience and capture the experience of a tough day. So, what was it that you saw? What was it that you smelled? 

What was it that she tasted. There are probably some good things in there. And there are probably some really hard things that you won't ever unsee. And that's okay too. But it helps you recognize where is the good in today in this moment, maybe even in this difficult person, if I was going to make a portrait of them, It would be good and bad. 

What would the good be? And can I put a box around the bad and not make it overwhelming? 

On a related note, a dinner table version, or sometimes evening walk version of this noticing and highlighting the good that I do with my kids quite a bit is called three roses, one bud, and one thorn. I've talked about this on the show before, but it's something we often do at dinner, or if we didn't get to it at dinner, sometimes if we go for a walk. we go around and each person shares. What were three roses from today? 

So three highlights, three things you enjoyed or appreciated. What was one bud? Something that's coming to fruition, something you're excited about something that's just starting to bloom in your life. And what was one thorn. So what was one difficulty that you experienced? And again, that ratio of good to bad is particularly enlightening and helpful. And it also creates a stronger emotional connection and bond between you and whoever you engage in that activity with. I've done that as a team building exercise at the end of a quarter. To give people the space to celebrate and notice the great things and the promising things and to air their grievances. 

What didn't go so well. 

Another variation on this notice and highlight the good is something that I do quite a bit with my partner at night. At night in particular, I notice I struggle with really intense focus on the mistakes that I've made. 

My perceived flaws in character, where I fall short. Some of this probably comes from my fundamentalist upbringing. There's that total depravity doctrine that there's absolutely nothing good in you outside of God. And that for me was a pretty toxic idea to internalize. 

I still, all these years later struggle with un hearing that and not fixating on where I fall short. And so at night, often I almost every night actually. I will ask my boyfriend. You know when we're together right before I fall asleep. Tell me something that you love about me. And. It's really powerful how seeing myself through his eyes. Has changed the way that I view myself for the better. It's made me notice, acts of kindness or generosity that I've done and otherwise just didn't give myself credit for. It's helped me really see what many of my strengths are that I take for granted or overlook. And it's made me realize that the things that I get down on myself about are really not very big deals. 

They're bigger in my own mind than they are in reality. So if in particular, that inner monologue is something you struggle with. If you're someone who struggles with self esteem and self worth. You struggle with viewing yourself as either all good or all bad at different times. This can be a really great exercise to do as someone who doesn't see you in that way and who doesn't struggle with those things. Many years ago when we were much earlier in our relationship. At night, we would often share what are three things that I love about you and what are three things that you love about me? And again, same kind of concept in that case, it was to help us deepen our bond and our appreciation for each other. When we weren't quite ready to say it in all of the usual ways that one might say it. 

We both had come out of pretty tough relationships before we met. And so we were slow to let that trust and intimacy build it. It took time to get there, but we were both very comfortable sharing the things that we adored about each other things we valued and appreciated. And so it was in many ways more meaningful than saying, I love you in and of itself. You know, it was, these are the things about you that I really value and appreciate. 

These are the things that I love about you as a person.

On a different note. You can also do things to tap into the joyful and fascinating observations and develop a curiosity about the inner lives of the people around you, the people you see every day. So my boyfriend often imagines that animals are talking to each other in certain ways, our dogs, which I know a lot of people do that. And other animals that we encounter. 

For example, he was recently in Canada and he saw a bunch of Ravens. And he was telling me about them. And the way that he described them was, well, have you ever noticed how they just look like crows, but they're like the crows that are super hung over and scruffy that all hang out together. 

Like the crow's really messed up neighbors. And I can never look at a Raven and not think that now they do look like that. We've been bedraggled through the mud. Hearing those kinds of observations from him in his imagination of what he's seeing and what he thinks they're thinking. It's made me appreciate little things about the animal world more than I ever did before. 

One of the things that I enjoy is learning kind of fun facts about the world around me. And so one fun fact about crows is that they are incredibly intelligent birds. They know faces and they remember faces. So they will not just remember you, if you are not kind to them. But they communicate that information about specific humans to their children and their children communicated to their grandchildren. Which is just mind blowing to me. The other fascinating fact about crows is apparently they have been observed deep in the woods by naturalists making tools. 

So they're eerily intelligent little creatures. The other day we were driving over to the library and out in this little field , I saw these three crows. And I said to him, Do you notice how they're like all walking around like chickens now that they see us looking at them. I feel like they're like, okay, quick, everybody abandoned the plan to take over the world. 

And everybody just walked like a chicken. Were being observed. And so little things like that. It's really brought a joy to my life and an appreciation for the world around me. That I otherwise would not have cultivated probably since I was a little kid. I don't know if I even thought that way as a kid. But once you start to engage in those types of conversations and yours might be very different set of conversations, but once you tap into that playfulness and the fun, that's all around you, the more you appreciate it from moment to moment. So really point out and share the interesting things that you see. You heard earlier how, when I walk with Iggy, I will talk to him. 

I'll share with him. Hey, I saw this, I saw that. If I'm out with my kids, I will do the same. I will point out a bird and tell them a fact about it. Or my kids always have all kinds of facts about things. So have those conversations and take the time to. Put those bids for connection out there. And to respond to the bids that other people throw your way. 

It will really bring a lot of joy and peacefulness into your life in ways you might not expect. If you can respond with a question or respond by carrying the story forward, instead of just saying that's nice, dear. it makes a big difference.


Stay present
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Another way of thinking about focusing on the good is that when you are focused in the present moment, You tend to be focused on positive or at least neutral things. When you are thinking about the past or the future. That's more likely that you're fixating on negative stuff or on regrets or on worries. 

So techniques that help you stay grounded in the present and manage any stories you start telling yourself about the present can be really helpful. 

One that I like to do is really indulge in the pleasure of the moment. So, let me give you an example. I used to struggle when I was taking a shower with feeling like I just need to get in, get out, get done, move on. And there are a variety of stories I was telling myself, for example, I don't have time to linger. I have these other things I need to do, it's not good for the environment for me to waste water , move along. And then one day I realized, I could take two extra minutes and really savor how good it feels to be in a nice hot shower. And part of me did that actually after a trip to Costa Rica, where one of the places we stayed had only solar showers and we couldn't quite figure out how to get a really hot shower out of it. 

So we enjoyed some very not hot showers while we were there. So it was my boyfriend and my best friend and her boyfriend. And when I came back, it gave me a new found appreciation for lingering under that hot water and really enjoying it. So I've been making an effort when I take a shower to just have that one or two minutes of feeling blissed out and enjoying the magic that is hot water on demand. Another way you can do this is to pay attention to how you feel after you do something that feels good. 

So for example, when you are done with your workout, Are you immediately hopping into the car, moving onto the next thing? Or do you just stand there for a moment and appreciate. I feel so good. It feels good to have done that. I'm really glad I did that. 

I feel great right now. Little things like that go a long way toward bringing your attention into the present moment and cultivating an appreciation for it. Another way you can do this is with a body scan check-in. So I learned this from the way out, which is a book I mentioned in a recent episode about healing, chronic pain and the link between focusing on negativity and fearful thoughts and increasing pain in our bodies. But this is something they recommend that you do at least once a day, when you are struggling with any kind of painful flare up or condition or injury, et cetera. Scan your body from head to toe. And find one place on your body 

that feels good. Or at least neutral, if you can't manage good. Really train your attention there. And just notice. What do you notice? 

Let's do it right now. So start at your head. And just slowly work your way down your brow. Your eyes, your nose, your cheeks, your mouth. Your neck. Just looking for somewhere along the way that feels pretty good. Your shoulders, your upper arms, your chest. Your stomach. Your forearms, your hands. Each finger. Your belly button, your hips. Your thighs. Your knees. Your calves. Your feet. And your toes. 

All right. 

So find one spot and train your attention there for a moment. What does it feel like? Is there tingling. Is there movement. Is there a pleasant feeling? 

Where is the edges of where it goes from being good to neutral. Or neutral to painful. 

What's the quality of that sensation. 

Can you just for a moment. Enjoy how that feels. And let go of paying attention to anywhere else on your body that might be giving you aches or pains. That's all there is to it. You just do that once or twice or three times a day. And it brings you into the present moment. And helps you cultivate a sense of wellbeing and positivity and happiness. Starts with just a little tingle in your big toe or whatever sounds kind of wild. 

I know, but, um, it actually is quite effective. I've been experimenting with that one myself. Recently and I've found it. To be surprisingly helpful. 

Another one you can do is meditation. So bookmark a few guided meditations in particular, that just help you come into the present moment and cultivate gratitude or cultivate letting go or cultivate a feeling that's pleasant. I have one I love to listen to that's full of all of these sounds and it's like a combination of a sound healing sound bath and guided meditation. And man, when I put that thing on, it's like my brain just lights up all of the happy pleasure centers in my brain. And it feels great. And it allows me to experience a really healthy good focus on good feelings. 

Another thing I started doing recently is at the end of the day. Writing up a "Ta Da!" List. So really giving myself gold stars and paying attention to what are all of the things big or small that I did today, that were worthwhile, that were noteworthy? Did I cook a meal or two or three from scratch was healthy. 

I was on time. Some weeks that is worthy of a spot on the ta da list. Did I work out? Did I go outside and get some fresh air and some sunshine. It doesn't have to be much to make it onto the list. Did I tackle a task? That's been haunting me. Did I get my kids to, and from their activities and still managed to get a little bit of space for myself and read a book. Did I start working on that new project that I'm excited to get going on? 

It doesn't matter big or small. The Ta Da List helps you stay present and cultivate appreciation for all that you're doing. And you can even give yourself little stickers on the list. I like to tap into my inner child. My inner child did not get a lot of praise from some of my teachers. So sometimes I like to get myself a pat on the head.

One of the challenges to staying present. I can be when you start having intrusive thoughts.  I have quite a bit of difficulty with this, with these thoughts that just bubble up. And they're fearful, they're negative, they're anxious. And they seem like they come from nowhere and  it's hard to even be conscious that they're there before you have climbed aboard the train and are going for a ride with that thought. 

 In the curable app, which is an app that helps you deal with fear and anxiety and chronic pain.  I recently learned about something called the rubber band trick. And this has been working really well for me. The idea is you put a hair tie or a rubber band around your wrist, and each time you catch yourself having an intrusive thought, especially if you are  going along for the ride. You just give that little rubber band, a little snap on your wrist. You don't want to cause pain, but you want to just  give yourself a little zap. And I have been amazed at how helpful this has been in bringing me back to the present moment. And in particular, I have had a lot of difficulty over the years with certain thoughts that it takes just a second of that thought popping into my head. And I have essentially a post-traumatic stress disorder reaction. 

So my legs will start to tremble. And I don't like that feeling. And it's kind of hard for me to get rid of that. Once it starts, like it hangs around for a few minutes, even if the thought was just there for a second.  When I use this rubber band trick, as soon as I start to feel that trembling, which is often my first indication, I've even had the thought. It seems to do a good job of interrupting that and bringing me back into my body and out of my head and actually circumventing that, little mini PTSD episode or flashback. 

It's not like a full-blown, you know, flashback type situation, but it's a physical reaction to a thought.  If you're someone who struggles a bit with intrusive negative thoughts or dwelling on things you don't want to dwell on, maybe try a gentle rubber band snap around your wrist for a day or two  and see if it helps you. 

It can also be helpful to have a list of activities that bring you into the present moment when you are ruminating. So for me, that is doing my foreign language practice using apps like Duolingo or Rosetta stone. It's watering plants or me going out and weeding my garden. Petting my dog. But some very tactile hands-on activities. Or very brain activating activities like language learning that will just help you unhook from your thinking. And get back into the present moment and do something that feels good. 


Breaking the negative thinking & feeling loop
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These last set of strategies are all around how to break the negative thinking and negative feeling loop. So there are little phrases you can tell yourself when you are falling into thinking traps, or you're just getting stuck in that thinking loop . Little statements that help end the conversation you're having with yourself in your head. So one that I like is. Either way. I'll probably be okay. That one's really helpful when you're deliberating about a decision you're agonizing over. 

Should I do this or should I do that? You know what. Either way. I'll probably be okay. It doesn't mean that one outcome might not be preferable to the other, but the chances that one outcome is going to be catastrophic. Pretty low. Another catch phrase that I use is I have always found a way forward and I will this time too. 

I always found a way forward. And I will this time too. 

The last one that I remind myself is there's an interesting study on worrying. And what that study found was that 80% of the things that we worry about never come to pass. And of the 20% that do come to pass. 80% of the time. It's not as bad as we thought it would be. And we handle it better than we thought that we would. 

So at the end of the day, One way or another, it's probably going to be just fine. And sometimes I have to catch myself in those anxious loops and remind myself of that little statistic, 80% of the things we worry about turn out just fine. 

A more recent realization that I've had is that most of us who withhold compassion from ourselves, who have these negative voices in our heads, we have a deep well of positive, encouraging, reasonable resetting dialogue that we tap into for other people. So if you have a child who is struggling. You probably have all kinds of helpful things that you say to them. It's going to be all right. I know, it feels really hard right now. And you'll find a way through. Right. 

That kind of compassion. You probably have it inside of you already. We have things that we say, for our friends or our partners. Uh, hopefully when one of your friends or coworkers or your partner is feeling fearful or anxious, or just fixating too much on the downside of everything, hopefully you have helpful things that you say to them, like. It seems like you're really fixating on this one little detail, but I know you you're going to be all right. You're going to be just fine. I myself have an incredible well of those kinds of insights that I share with everybody else in my life. In fact, most people love to come talk to me when they're struggling or when they have a problem, because I am very uplifting. 

I don't Gaslight people, but I help them see they're going to be all right. And so the insight I had recently was I have that inside of me. And I'm withholding it from myself. For whatever reason, I speak to myself in a punishing way. And why am I doing that? That's not cool. 

You have to get a little bit indignant with yourself a little bit. Like what gives. Why would I be kind to everyone else and be mean to myself? Why would I be down on myself? That's one of the shifts that helps you get away from fixating on negative things, on sad things, on problems and experiencing joy and peace. 

You have to believe. I deserve those things. I deserve to be spoken to kindly. I deserve to be encouraged and picked up. I don't have to beat myself up like this to motivate myself, or whatever's driving me to talk to myself this way. Maybe someone else at some point in my life, spoke to me in this way, but hopefully I've left that person behind. 

So why am I echoing their voice? To myself today. Get indignant about that. Feel that you deserve to be spoken to kindly just like you probably do for everybody else in your life. 

The last thing that can be helpful is to know the stories that you have a tendency to tell yourself. And have simple ways of stopping those stories or reframing them with helpful language. And what I would suggest on that front is write those down in advance so that the next time you start telling yourself that story, you can pull out this little script and read it to yourself. 

You can even record it on your phone, in your own voice. So you can say. If you're listening to this right now. It's because you're telling yourself that story, that you've messed this up too badly and it's all gonna fall apart. But, you know what. That is not a true story. Chances are things are gonna work out just fine. Things like this are always bigger in your head Rebecca than they are in reality. And this way is going to end up being just like all the others. You're going to be okay. Right. 

You know what your stories are? Hopefully. Capture them reframe them and write down or record something more helpful to play to yourself or read to yourself when those stories start to get activated. You got to figure out what your stories are and what those reassuring messages are. But have them ready to go. So you don't have to try to access them in the moment when you're stressed out. 

Well, I've been meaning to tell you what I've been reading lately. I just finished up a book called the intermission by Elyssa Friedland. And I really enjoyed this book. It's about the couple and the stories that they tell each other and the stories that they tell themselves and how a longterm relationship plays out when we aren't honest about who we are and what we need. I'll put a link in the show notes in case it's of interest to you too. 

Well chicas, that's all for today. For more episodes or links to the resources I might have mentioned, visit getyourselftogetherchica. com slash podcast. If you liked today's episode, please share it with your friends, post it on social media, make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss any episodes. I would value so much if you would leave a review on Apple Podcasts or whatever app you listen to podcasts.

Until next time chicas.