Empowering Parenting: Navigating Life and Discipline

Dive into an insightful discussion where we explore the nuances of parenting styles, co-parenting dynamics, and the challenges of raising children in a blended family. We share our personal experiences and lessons learned in instilling discipline, fostering independence, and balancing strictness with empathy in our children's upbringing. 

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Transcript

00:00
My question to her was, when did you throat punch him? She said, well, I didn't. I said, well, if you were truly not safe, not comfortable and you told him to stop and your words had no effect, you have 100% right to throat punch. Yeah. Welcome to Velvet Ventures. Where we talk about life, marriage, and the pursuit of entrepreneurship. I'm Ben. And I'm Shani. Hey guys, I wanted to give a quick shout out to our awesome sponsor.

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00:56
Welcome. Today we're talking about some of our parenting styles and some of the things that we've done to, or how we've learned to co-parent together and also just raising children with other parents and like how we do some of our day-to-day stuff and how we handle life. Yeah. So.

01:21
I think we should start with one of the things that we get complimented on the most. That's my beard. That does get quite a few. To the point, I almost made him a t-shirt that says, no you can't touch it, with an arrow pointing to his beard. Which is a weird thing that I should even have to tell somebody. They're not allowed to touch my husband's facial hair. But.

01:45
Anyways, no, it's um, curb's morning routine. Oh, yeah, so curb is almost nine No, she just turned eight a couple months ago well in May Yeah, so We don't normally do the halves, but she's almost eight and a half Anyways and for the last two years pretty much since you started school. I mean really

02:13
Yeah, but two years she's been basically 100% independent. Oh yeah, yeah. So she's always gotten up by herself. So after you started real school, not like pre-K then. Right, yeah, the grades, when she started the grades. Right. And so, I mean, she's always gotten up by herself without us needing like set an alarm or whatever, but... Yeah, she doesn't even have a clock in her room. Right, but her, like, her morning routine is she's in charge of dressing herself,

02:43
packing her own lunch, getting herself out the door and ready for the bus. And like obviously, now that you're home, you're awake and with her, but you are not actively helping her in that morning routine. And when you were working, it was me up with her, making sure that it was getting done, but I was not actively helping her with her routine. So, like especially when it was me with her,

03:11
if she didn't get up in time or she played around too much or she did arts and then forgot to pack her lunch, she just didn't take a lunch. I didn't jump in and... She'd have to eat the school lunch. Right. I didn't jump in and rescue her. It's just, well, next time let's prioritize our time differently. And let's be honest, it's not really a punishment for you to have to eat at the cafeteria. Right. Yeah, we just did that this morning, actually. Yeah. She didn't.

03:37
she she didn't get up late but she was having a little bit of a I guess a rougher morning and stuff you know we're kind of getting into those um it's not even preteen but I just I know that because the way the world works now like the um the hormones and stuff are kicking in earlier and earlier um but anyway we were having a rougher morning and you know yeah everything didn't get done so she

04:04
Didn't necessarily want what was on the menu at school today, but that's what you get. Yeah. You know, so. Yeah. And like the kids do the dishes. Yeah. Um, we, we try not to do the dishes and we've been more mindful here the last like few weeks that we'll again, everything's a little, it's for the time and the place, right? So sometimes it's more heavy on you to do the dishes. Other times it's more heavy on the kids. But we really try.

04:34
Our goal is that when it's time for them to leave the house, they have the confidence in themselves to do normal adult things because they've been allowed to do normal adult things for their life. But it's all within boundaries. I don't expect the dishes to be done perfect, or the laundry to be done perfect. Or the... It's all within age-appropriate expectations.

05:01
but we don't coddle and we don't rescue. Yeah, well I think it's good too because while it's not, I think we're kind of on the fence when it comes to responsibilities because, and by on the fence I mean, there's a level of like, you're going beyond.

05:21
what someone that age should be like they should be allowed to be children. They should not be held to this. They're not held to our standards. Her level of organization or cleanliness is not, should not be a reflection of mine. Our rule now is just don't cram your dirty clothes in your toys because I'm just going to throw them away if I find them. Well, it's even like the art stuff. Right now, the island is covered with art. I consciously made a decision this morning.

05:49
to not address it in a negative way because I thought about it and the fact that I know how I am and if I were to get criticized every time that I, you know, for instance, if I was doing art.

06:05
and I didn't put it away immediately or I didn't, I left it out for a few days because it's just something I just kind of tinker. It's like a puzzle. Right. You know, you kind of put a few pieces together and then you leave. You don't tear it apart. Sometimes you just need to look at it for a few days to decide if you're done or not. Right. And so, but I don't want to, I don't want to create, I don't want to create a sense that I'm not going to do it because of how much work it is to maintain. Right. And I want her to be able to have some expression and

06:33
be able just to get her own stuff out and do it. I mean, cause again, she does it all by herself. We don't have to like lock up the paints and the markers cause she doesn't write on, she never drew on the walls and did any of that kind of stuff. So we just very, we trust her. And so now it's like, okay, so how do we also now take that trust in the cleaning up and follow through after? Like you're capable of getting everything out and treating it with respect, but now we need to figure out how do we

07:02
put it away in the proper way that we expect an older child to start doing without stymie the desire to be artistic or to pursue doing something because if we just nag that you didn't put it up in time or you didn't do it the way I wanted you to do it or and we're just not giving them the tools to keep it organized like we just say here's a cabinet

07:32
caddies for the pencils or the markers or tubs or any kind of organization like we're setting them up to fail. And so I think that's been a big realization for me is that in my mind, I would just like everything always picked up and everything to be sitting just right because I like living in a showpiece because it makes it soothing to me. Chaos is very distracting and so but I have to understand that that's not how

08:01
God has put people in my life who are not that way for that reason. We stretch you. Yes. And so I don't want to have, I'm trying very hard in this season to not, to I'm working on that because we're still a few years away, but going from directing to coaching. And so I want to start phasing in some of the coaching and like, I'm going to supply suggestions, not directions.

08:31
Because- When we've really started moving away from, cuz I'm much more the strict one, which is funny, cuz I'm the chaos one. But when it comes to the kids, I have unrealistic expectations of how they should behave and how they should speak and how they should keep up with themselves. And a lot of my stuff is hypocritical cuz it's not how I behave or not how I keep things clean. And these are things that I have realized about myself over the last few years. And so I try to be less and less hypocritical.

09:00
But I've realized that curb responds a lot better to me when it's not me telling her what to do, but when we have a discussion about the thing. And so the other day, like we don't allow running in the house and one of my biggest pet peeves and it's just from a safety standard and it's annoying, but when they play with the doors, when there's doors constantly opening and shutting upstairs, it gives me.

09:27
a huge level of anxiety because all I see is hands getting smashed or noses getting broken or and it's just not allowed. And the other day we had a friend over and there was running and jumping and not our friend, her friend. Yeah, not our friend. And there was doors being shut. And so we sent the friend home and we sat down and immediately she just like put her hand in her face or her face in her hands and was just like ashamed. She knew that she wasn't supposed to do it. So she came to the table.

09:56
ashamed and upset. And I just said, Hey, look, like, we, I really, honestly, I just want to have a discussion. Like you're not in trouble. I just want to talk this through with you because I want you to understand where I'm coming from and why it is this way. And so we talked about it and asked her some questions like, can you see how that would be dangerous? Do you understand why? Like, this is the reasons and we've got plenty of space outside. Like, you're not not allowed to run. Right. You're just not allowed to run inside.

10:26
And we don't jump off the couch because we respect the couch. Right. But the ending of that conversation was also making sure she understood that, you know, we work really hard to make sure that this home has respect, to make sure that we have respect in this home. But we also want to make sure that you have the tools that you need to be respected in the home, because she kept saying, well, I kept telling her not to do X, Y, and Z. I said, and that's not fair to you. I'm going to work just as hard to make sure that you have respect.

10:57
just like, I hope you work just as hard to make sure we do. And she was like, oh, okay. And so then it became like, we're a unit. This is not us versus you. We are all in this together. And right now you were not being given respect. And I'm not okay with that because you deserve respect. Yeah. Well, and to preface this whole conversation is for people who maybe either don't know us personally, but

11:26
So we have 50-50 custody with Kirby, with her mom, and she lives about 45 minutes away. So we don't spend a lot of time together as a blended family. And Zay is with your parents, his grandparents, most of the time. He comes over- That was more like an 80-20. Yeah, he comes over about maybe every other weekend if there's not out of town sports or something, because they keep him pretty, he stays pretty busy with that.

11:54
soccer and cross country and stuff. But so some of the difficulty with our situations and stuff is the fact that we are not the only bodies of influence and authority. And so instead of just two parents, you and I, parenting these kids, there's- Instead of having to merge two parenting styles- Right. There's four. Right.

12:22
you know, with each kid. And so some of the stuff that we deal with with Kirby and stuff is from one a necessity standpoint and two it's a we feel like sometimes we have to teach unlearning from how her mom does it versus how we do it because again we're just we're different and we have different values we have different structures we have different

12:49
expectations. Yeah. Um, and frankly, it's like, I mean, with her biological mom, like I grew up with them and her older brother was my best friend growing up. And I can't tell you how many hours and days and weeks I've spent at their house. So like, I know that family and I know all the siblings, I know the parents and so I know what I'm up against because I know the family dynamic that

13:19
that side is coming from. And so I view that as a good thing because I have some history there. So I can kind of start foreseeing how things went with her and her life. And then so I can kind of see like, I mean, let's be honest, we all kind of repeat how we were raised to some degree until we realize that that's maybe not what we want to do. And then we'll change that. But we default to what we know. Most of us are carbon copies or polar opposites.

13:48
And so that's one of those things that is a challenge for us, but, you know. I think that's why, for me, it's really important that Curb understands the meaning of the words. So like, I don't, I'm not just going to tell you to live with integrity. Right. I want to, I want to make sure that you understand what the word integrity means. So that when we're out, it's not me nagging, I can just say like, are we living with integrity?

14:17
Or when she does become a teenager and she goes out the door, I can say, let's make sure, like I always tell my son, like, let's make sure we're a light to others, that we're kind and that we're respectful. Because to me, I don't care if you win first place. Those are the things that I care about. And I care that you're putting in an effort. Like same with school. I don't care if you have straight A's. If you're kind, you're respectful, you're light to others and you're making an effort, that's what I care about. Because that's what's going to stay with you in your life.

14:47
Whether you made it, I can't tell you a single grade that I made in school or which grades I had mostly A's, but I don't know which ones I made a B or a C in or a like I couldn't tell you. It had no real lasting effect on you. Well, I think the other thing too is... And I'm a college dropout, so... You know, I kind of do the same thing with Kirby where, you know, it's yeah, we want to be kind, we want to be thoughtful, we want to be helpful, we want to be respectful. And sometimes respect means...

15:14
punching someone in the throat. Yeah, she has full permission to throat punch first and ask questions later. And walk away. You know, respect is not, you should be, you should give up your comfort, your safety, your well-being for the sake of someone else. Right. Well, because I think back in the day, like when we were growing up, it was kind of preached at us from all sides, from church, from our teachers, from our parents and everything, that you should think of others. Yeah.

15:43
And I don't think there was a lot of balance taught with that. And so you've got people like me that are people pleasers because I feel awful when I don't put others before me. And that comes at the detriment sometimes of my comfort and of my safety and of my sanity. And that's something I'm now having to break because I'm now understanding how badly this could get if I don't make a change.

16:13
And I just don't want Curb to go through that. I mean, she just had an incident at a pizza place over the weekend when she was at her mom's and she said this little boy was running around playing and throwing rocks, whatever, normal kid stuff. But it was getting to the point that Curb was not comfortable and she ended up with her finger getting injured and she's got like a little cut on her finger that now she can't eat whatever. It's a little dramaticized from what it actually is. But my question to her was,

16:42
When did you throat punch him? She said, well, I didn't. I said, well, if you were truly not safe, not comfortable, and you told him to stop and your words had no effect, you have 100% right to throat punch. And she was like, well, I didn't want to get in trouble. I said, no, we've already told you, and our words are true. If you, but this is where, you know, it's make sure that you're

17:11
leading with integrity. If y'all are just playing a game and you decide that you're done, you can't just throat punch. But if you are truly not feeling safe and being pestered and bullied and your words are not working, then you can throat punch. And I can guarantee you, you will not get in trouble by us. Well, and I think it's how also, you know, do you teach the you may, it's kind of like, you know, for instance, like when you get

17:39
pulled over if the cops knocked on your door. You comply. You comply, you lay down, you put your hands behind your back, whatever. You fight later, you know, and so it's how do you teach that to someone that, hey, yes, you will get in trouble in the immediate moment more than likely, but you will be vindicated if you will because she was with her mom, her biological mom, and she was afraid that she would get in trouble because her mom may

18:09
whatever because I don't agree with our role right because maybe she didn't see what was going on and she's just reacting to the situation and they have maybe had these conversations I don't know and like what we told Kirby was that's okay we will then also deal with your mom yeah and not deal with it like we are right and she's wrong but we will then step in and we will go to bat for you yeah we will let you make it that you had our permission right you may get in trouble that day but

18:38
I promise we will, it will get made right in the, in the long run. And so it's just like, how do you kind of teach that and get to where, you know, a child understands like, cause no one wants to get trouble, but sometimes it happens, you know, and you just have to deal with it in a moment, but know that there will be justice later on. Um, and so, yeah, I mean, we've just kind of tried to enforce that. We are here for you. We are on your side.

19:07
And if it comes out that you were the wrong or in the wrong in that situation stuff, like there will be ramifications. Right. We are not just on your side just to be on your side because you're a kid. But yeah, you can't just walk around throat punching people. Right. Yeah. If you're being a jerk, that is not what we are saying. Violence is not the first answer. Yeah. If you're being a jerk, you're going to get punished for it. But teaching that kind of independence and that level of thinking of like being able to assess the situation and is this

19:37
When giving her the confidence to do so, us saying we trust you enough that this is your judgment call. And if you don't feel safe, here's the tool that you can use to make sure you're safe and you won't get any qualms from us. If that's your judgment call in that situation, then we got your back. And I mean, it's the same with...

20:02
Ze, you know, we just had a sermon at church a few weeks ago about parenting and making sure that kids had the tools that they needed because the world is so convoluted right now and it's so easy to access information that's not safe or not healthy for kids to consume. And so I told him because he was at soccer, I said, hey, I need you to watch this sermon. And then the next weekend that you're here, I want us to sit down and just brainstorm.

20:31
the tools that dad and I can give you to help you be successful as you go into high school next year. Like if that is you need us to put blocks on your phone where you can't get to inappropriate sites or because I mean, there are such things as just you go down a hole that you're looking for something and you ended up someplace else. And then it could become a problem depending on what your emotions are at the time. And so like

20:58
Let's just help you avoid that completely. Let's put a block on your phone. If you're struggling, because explicit music is what all your friends listen to, there's clean versions of every single one. Let's help you out. Let's put a block on your phone. If you're having trouble sleeping, one of those tools that we give him here when he's here is his phone gets plugged in downstairs, it's not up in his room. And so I'll tell him, you know.

21:24
by 1030 or by 11 or by midnight or whatever the time is. And I change it every time just to make, I give him opportunities to live with integrity and I give him a time to plug in his phone and he sleeps so much better here because he's not up till 3 a.m. texting with his friends and they're not bugging him and interrupting his sleep and it's just a lot easier for him to sleep here. Right, well, and I am a very firm believer in that, you know, there's a lot of day,

21:53
There's a lot of data out there that shows that like sleeping next to like, I hate the fact that we sleep next to our phones or that we have electronics in there altogether because I, I, I am a firm believer in that those EMF signals and everything like that, just it messes with your regularities, but especially when you're young, you know, and you're being formed. I mean, cause I mean, until you're at a certain age for the most, most part, you know, I mean, you are continually being formed. And so,

22:24
as you are doing those things, like if you take a tree that's growing and you put a wire right next to it, that tree will eventually grow around that wire as it gets older and that wire becomes part of that tree. And it's the same thing, like when you put things that leave impressions on their life, like that stays with them in some form or fashion. It may not surface for another 20 years, but it's with them. And so...

22:51
And I also think that there's so much truth behind it because I feel like bigger companies try to bury the information or they will provide with new products to have the accessory to keep it on you more or to keep it more convenient or whatever. And so anyway, that's one of those things that I think is very true that distractions,

23:21
the anxiety of did my phone just ding? You know, outside of just the, you know, the impulses and stuff that it puts off, just that mental connection to, like we have kind of gotten past into a point where we love it if our phone doesn't go off. You know, it's no longer a, well, who's up at what party and what are they doing? And why wasn't I invited? Like we're past that point, but I mean, I remember, I was the same way in my early twenties.

23:51
Like if my phone dinged, boy I had to read it right then and look at it, you know? And so I just, I kind of know how that was a little bit, but also I was not 13 with that. Like that is so much emotional and mental responsibility to just here you go, best of luck. Yeah.

24:18
you know, and there's really no... Which is how it was given to him, because it was given by my parents. And so now we're kind of retroactively coming in and he doesn't always like it. But as much as we can control to give him the tools that he needs to succeed, you don't have to like me. Right, yeah, we're not friends. Because that's not my job. My job is to make sure that you're safe and protected. And if that means sometimes I'm the bad guy,

24:47
And I mean, that's even conversations that I've had with curb too. You know, when she gets in, she used to have these big, big, massive emotions. And I would, you know, not handle it the best at the beginning, because to me, I'm like, as the strict one that has very like, this is how the kids should behave. And, you know, almost to the point of like seeing not heard, not that extreme, but very close to it, I'm like, what is your deal? Like this.

25:16
is not appropriate. And so I had to teach myself how to deal with that. And we also had to teach her how to process through that and that it's okay to have those kinds of things. And we're still trying to figure that out. I mean, we had a discussion in front of curb the other day because she had gotten an answer she didn't like. And so she started throwing a fit verbally in the back seat. And it wasn't like, you know, blow out, but it was like, well, I'm not happy. I'm mad. I'm blah, blah, blah. And I finally just turned around and was like,

25:44
that's fine if you want to feel that way. And when we get home, you can have that in your room by yourself, but you're not going to drag everybody else down in the car just because you're not feeling good. And you said to me, like, I don't think that that was the best way to handle that. I understand what you were trying to do, but I don't like the way it was worded. And so we had that open, it wasn't an argument, it was a discussion in front of Curb about how we parent in the language that we use. Because it's important to us that the kids see us disagree.

26:14
see us conflict resolution, but also they understand that like, we are very intentional with how we parent you. We're not just trying to like, make this crap up as we go. Like we research and we watch videos and we watch, watch psychology and we read books and like, we are doing everything we can to make sure we have the tools that we need to do this successfully. Right. When I think it showed a certain like, I don't know if you noticed, but like her

26:44
physical behavior and just her everything was like, oh, like they're taking this serious. Like it's not just a, it's kind of the whole like because, because it's not an answer. You know, she likes to remind us of that. And I think that by us having that conversation really kind of took her back and was like.

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28:02
about how they're getting parent and it's appropriate to be in front of them like 100% here you go because for me... Well it was a really good example of you showing her what she should have done. Hey I'm not happy let's talk through this not just I'm not happy can't believe you did that I'm not happy you know like that's how right if you were mirroring her behavior that's how you would have done it and instead you took her behavior...

28:29
You felt a similar emotion, but displayed it completely differently. And so now she has a better framework to work off of the next time that she is feeling that way. Well, I think for me, you know, my parents never fought in front of me. I don't really recall, I mean, outside of dad asking my mom where she wanted to eat and her looking to us kids in the back and asking us and him saying, I didn't ask what they wanted.

28:57
I don't recall really many, if any, arguments at my parents' heads. So Ergo, I don't, I never knew how to argue. Yeah, we were not good fighters. I saw my parents shut down. Like if my dad would get upset, he would just shut down, be quiet, and go to the barn. And my parents just bicker. And so to me, I'm like, oh, that's what you do. You get irritated with each other. You go to separate ends of the property or, you know.

29:24
whatever like they never went anywhere but like my dad would go down to his sh- saddle shop down the barn, mom would stay in the house or whatever and they would spend a few hours apart and then the next day like everything was fine for the most part that I can remember and so like I was like oh okay but I had no clue what went on behind closed doors like how do you resolve that because I had no clue that then sometimes my mom would go down to you know shut the chickens up and would be gone for two hours I'd guarantee you they were down there fighting

29:52
but they got out of the house and none of us saw it because I think they thought, and because I think they both grew up with probably some form of arguing parents. And so they did the exact opposite and they were like, we're not going to argue at all. And so I think that again, anything in an extreme can be have negative effects. And so I think it's been a very conscious decision for us to, to have some of those disagreements or just conversations in front of each other. And, um,

30:23
in front of them. Yeah. Well, unlike the other day, the bus dropped curb off and she went directly to a friend's house and I kind of saw the bus go by and I was just kind of waiting. I figured maybe she walked the little girl home, she was coming back and then, you know, it was only six minutes, but to me it felt like forever because she wasn't where she was supposed to be when she was supposed to be there. Right. And so I called you because I don't have their number and I was, it was just kind of this like panic.

30:51
And thankfully, you know, we have a tracker on her. So we knew she was in the neighborhood and we knew she was safe, but it still just like did not set right. And so when she came back over, you know, old me would have been pissed and grounded and, you know, just acted like a total moron. And this time when she came in, I said, hey, you really worried me. Like, I was really concerned that something happened to you and that you weren't safe.

31:18
when you get home from school, I don't have a problem with you going to your friends and playing but I've got to lay eyes on you first. I need to know that you're home and you're safe before you go play." And she was like, okay. And she was like, can we play? That's fine. And it wasn't like a big deal. It was just a conversation. She was like, I'm really sorry. And then we moved on. But we've tried to be very intentional with a lot of the things that we do.

31:47
with our life, but also with our parenting. And a lot of it's language too. So like we don't allow, I can't. You can. It might be, you know, it's kind of like the girl pushup or the full pushup or the one-handed pushup. You can do a pushup. It just is gonna maybe look different for you versus what somebody else can do. You can do the dishes. It's not gonna be the way that I do them or you do them, but you're capable. And so we don't allow that kind of language.

32:17
And then we've removed the word but out of the family because it just wasn't a healthy word. It's not OK to say, I'm sorry, but you really pissed me off. And I'm sorry. And you really pissed me off. That's still better because it's not negating the apology that it's following. It's not a justification. Right. Like, but implies. I'm justified in my reaction because you did something right instead of, like I said, saying.

32:46
Hey, I'm mad or hey, that hurt and you did this. Right. That's just a matter of fact. That was your... Yeah. That's how I'm feeling towards your action. Yeah. Well, and everybody has the right to be acknowledged. I want to know... I do need the apology if you reacted negatively, but I also need to know why you reacted negatively so we can fix that and we can adjust it or we can talk through it. Yeah. And so... Well, and one other thing that...

33:15
like I'm trying to actively work on. I think that we obviously both can, but it's also, and even like so, and then because it all stems from us. Like we have to get, we have to be better and pursuing, cause we're never gonna be perfect, but we have to be actively pursuing betterment. And so like there are times when, you know, you get in a standoff, like you didn't feel like you did anything wrong.

33:41
I didn't feel like I did anything wrong. We both feel justified in whatever it is that we're feeling, but we're going to play a checkmate or a stalemate on who's going to cave first. And then it could be like if I came and apologize and say, hey, look, I'm sorry I blew up. I was upset about X, Y, and Z. I just don't understand this and stuff. And then it's like being intentional on just, it doesn't matter if I feel like I'm right

34:11
I'm also sorry because I may not have played necessary a huge part in the overreaction of what happened, but I'm sorry that my reaction or lack of an action hurt you or made you feel a certain way. Because at the end of the day, like we are in this together and that is, I do have a responsibility. You have a responsibility and saying I'm sorry doesn't mean like it's not accepting. I think that we have this association with.

34:40
I'm accepting blame. Not accepting blame. Like, I'm acknowledging and I am sorry that my action or lack of an action had this effect, you know? But it's not... I'm sorry almost just means like, my love is more important than this argument or than this fight. That's really all that it means. And so, Curb saying that she's sorry, like...

35:07
I didn't expect her to feel shame or guilt or whatever from going over to her friend's house but by her saying, I'm sorry, she's saying, I acknowledge the emotions that you had and I can see how you would get there. My love for you is more important than this argument or disagreement. And I think by us choosing to be kind, because there's been times even in the last couple months where I think you may feel like you apologize but like, I don't feel like I ever got.

35:36
any closure on that because it felt like I was in the wrong and you didn't really, I never felt like it was acknowledged. And so I want to make sure that we are then having those discussions and it's bringing it up and saying, because again, it's nor not perfect. And sometimes it's just not going to happen. Or I think that I was empathetic, but I wasn't. And so translating that for the kids.

36:06
and to where that is just a normal thing that we do when we are wrong or when we hurt somebody. Because it does not demean, it does not take away from you, it does not mean you're a bad person or you're a bad kid. It's acknowledging the fact that my action or lack of an action, because it could be the fact that you didn't think of doing this. Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't feed the dogs.

36:34
distracted and it didn't happen because I mean it happens with both of it like you do that kind of stuff, I do that kind of stuff. It's not just pertaining to the kids on forgetting to do chores or forgetting to do things. And so we are superior in the chain with the children but at the same time we also want to understand that we are all human and that we are all flawed.

37:01
And that we all have. Well, we do give them choices. So like, Curb needs to pick up the poop today. Dog poop. Or this week, yeah. The dog poop, yes. I'll say, be very specific on that. The dog poop, it's outside as well. In the backyard. But, I used to just spring in on her. Today you need to do it. And then it turned into, I tell her what day to do it. And now it's kinda changed. And some of this is just age as well, and we've gotten the hang of the process.

37:31
But this week I said, hey, by Thursday, the dog poop needs to be done. So would you rather pick it up Wednesday or Thursday? And then she kind of sat there and had an open dialogue. OK, well, I've got Wednesday field trip and OK, and then I've got this on this day and this on and like, why shouldn't she have that? Because if you ask me to sit down and have some serious discussion or do some, you know, clean something I didn't want to clean, I'd want to look at my calendar and see what my day looks like. So I can make

38:00
decision on when I think I'm going to be in the mood for it. At the end of the day, I still need to follow through on whatever day I've given you." But giving her that option, she goes, okay, I'm going to do Thursday. I said, okay, you understand that I don't care if it's Wednesday or Thursday, but by Thursday, before you can get on the tablet, this needs to be done. Yeah. Yep. Okay. Well, I think that that's preparing them for real life. Right. You know, and it's giving them more opportunities to fail in the home.

38:28
Right, in a safe environment. In a safe environment at home where there's no major repercussions. Worse thing is worse is the media blackout for the night. But it's not... We're trying to instill those decision-making capabilities and just knowing that you have responsibilities. You do have options on when you can do them, but also sometimes it's like... Because my

38:58
I want them to get to where you just do it. Do it ASAP instead of dragging it out. But at the same time, if you don't let them drag it out and dread it, they don't know the satisfaction of, ah, it's done. I don't have to think about it. We have had some absolute meltdowns over chores. And even with Ze just dragging his feet. I mean, typically, he's at the age where it's just a little bit easier with him. And he's not here as much, and so it's just easier with him.

39:27
But I'm like, when he has to go mow the lawn, there's some days that he's 100% rolling his eyes and dragging his feet because he doesn't want to do it. And then other days he just does it and he knocks it out and it's not a big deal. Right. And we're finally getting to that point with the dog poop. Like last time she was in the backyard spinning with the pooper scooper doing like a... Doing like a ballet twirling routine. And old me would have gone out there and interrupted that and said, you need to get this done.

39:55
Like quit messing around, get it done. But I'm like, why does it matter if it takes her four hours or it takes her 20 minutes? It's frustrating that she's taking four hours, but like that's her choice. Well, she can, as long as it gets accomplished and it's being done in a safe way, like she's not just picking it up with her hands and like eating it to get it gone. Like if it's not hurting anybody, why does it matter? Well, and that's the other thing that, you know, like with that, in that instance, you know, I tell her,

40:23
I told her, hey, you can turn on the music. You know, we have a TV and stuff out on the patio. You can turn on music. Because it's kind of like, I look at this the way that we were told about calculators.

40:34
You're not always going to have a calculator with you. You need to learn how to do math. Well, it's kind of how it is now. Like, well, you don't always have a radio with you. I literally do. Yeah. And so it's like, well, why not? Why not make the job more enjoyable? Yeah. Well, and that does make it feel less like a punishment because it's not a punishment. Right. It's just we are all part of this household, so we all need to keep up with it. It's not just on you and me, and it's not just on the housekeeper. Like we are responsible.

41:00
for keeping this business operating. The business is the family. And so every single person has a part to play and these are your parts. Right. Yeah, when it's, you know, and it's just one of those things too where I think what we're trying to, the long game with this is teaching a certain mindset of your job is picking up dog poop and you hate it. It's gross. Nobody I think wants to necessarily do that. So.

41:29
I would be very impressed and I can see this happening at some point if she finds a way to make an extra 20 or 30 dollars and then she hires one of those services to come and do it. Yeah. We've never said you can't delegate. I would be so proud if all of a sudden one day like pooper scoopers are us showed up at the house and she handed them money. Or her friends, she's sitting on the couch and her friends are picking up the dog poop in exchange for Barbies or baby dolls. Yeah.

41:56
Like if she were to bargain or pay somebody else to do it, I would not be mad at all. No, I don't even care if you don't ever do another chore, if you outsource them all, because to me, that is just as valuable of a lesson as doing the chore. Right. Well, I mean, it's like the housekeeping. Like, I am not a good housekeeper. I don't notice the stuff half the time. It is not a priority for me. You it is a priority and it does drive you crazy and it's not good for you mentally to be in an unclean home.

42:25
So we compromised and I bartered with a cleaner so that they come in once a week. Right. And so like that doesn't make me worse of a wife. Right. It just means that I'm outsourcing something that I don't want to do and making sure that you have what you need. Yeah. Like, and that's, it's not to say that like, well, I think that the kids have to be able to figure that out on their own, right? You know, like we're never just going to, here's a silver spoon. Right. It's just not how that's going to operate because.

42:55
We are building generational wealth for several generations. We need the kids to be able to outsource and to delegate and to manage and to time manage and to do all these things to be able to protect all the assets and the trust that we're building. And so right now we are training the next CEOs of Gardner Inc. And these are the skills that they're going to need. Yeah. Well, I think we're very intentional in understanding whether we speak at like...

43:25
about it like this or not, but we're very intentional, I think, in growing and raising a generation of leaders that is not like your traditional sense of a leader, but I don't care how the task gets done. It's your responsibility to get it done. But giving them that thought process of just because someone tells you you need to do something doesn't mean that you...

43:54
need to do it. Because we're not raising worker bees, we're not raising drones, we're not raising people who are just going to work in the system, be a part of the system, and then complain about the system. We're raising people who we're not going to tell them how to do these things, but we're going to imply and we are going to speak about how we do that and how...

44:20
Yeah, because we even told the trigger thoughts, right? Conversation we just had about the housecleaning we had with the kids. Yeah. But I did tell the kids like, you know, you you need to keep your you need to pick up your room the day before they come. And Curb was like.

44:33
why do we I need to clean before the cleaners get here? Because they're our cleaner, not your cleaner. It's not your cleaner. It's my cleaner and dad's cleaner. It's not your cleaner. Right. And I do need her to be able to vacuum your room. Yeah. But she will not be making your bed. She will not be hanging your clothes. She will not be doing your laundry. She will not. None of that. Right.

44:53
So I need the things off of the floor so that she can vacuum. Outside of that, everything else up there is your responsibility. Again, I don't care. Work out a deal with our cleaner. You do something for her. You want to pay us a portion of it? You can pay us and we'll work that out. But yeah, I think for me, that's something that I wish that I had known more of. And so.

45:22
I think that at the end of the day, as long as we're giving the kids the option, it's up to them on whether or not they join the system and become worker bees and that's just what they do. If that's what they want to do, great, go for it. I'll be happy, proud of you, whatever. But also I want you to have all the options. That's where I struggle because if the kids did decide to go just be worker bees or follow the system...

45:49
I would struggle through that. Oh, 100%. I'm not saying that I wouldn't struggle. There would be a grieving process for me, honestly. I wouldn't say that I wouldn't struggle with it. I would still show love and I would still show that I care for them. I'm not saying that I'm going to be like, I'm so happy you're doing what you're doing. I gotcha. But they will not know that. Yeah. You know, I will still show love and support and everything else to the best of my ability. But you know, I...

46:17
I want them, I don't think that that's going to be the case because of the example that I think we are portraying. Sure. And as long as we're doing it in a very responsible. Zane's the one I worry about more. Just because he's had a lot more influence of the traditional drone worker bee situation and college is being shoved down the throw and like I don't think that you should go to college unless you absolutely 100% have to go to college.

46:45
for what you want to be and you've interned as that thing. So you know you want to be that thing. But I just don't agree with forking over six figures to learn something that's outdated by the time you get out. Well, and like someone said something that was like, the only time that you should go to college is if you have to have that degree to make the money. Yeah. You know, I mean, there's very few.

47:10
industries that you have to have the degree to make the money. Yeah. You know, and so in retrospect, like compared to how many degrees there are out there, there's a very small percentage that is a requirement. Yeah. I just know so many people, myself included, that college made them feel worse about themselves. Yeah. Like I was a college dropout and so it made me feel...

47:32
awful about myself. I felt like a complete and total failure and like I could provide nothing to society and that's exactly how I behave. Now that's a lot of that is my mindset that I was stuck in and my own thoughts about myself and lack of confidence. But like college to me is just not something positive. I don't understand when people are like, oh, it was the best blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, was it the best because it was just your party years or like college? Right.

47:59
was the best. Yeah. And see, I just, I mean, I went to, I went and got my associate's degree, but it was in a field, culinary, that I loved. I loved school. Right. I had, I would redo that, you know, that time. I hear very positive things from like hair school, makeup school, culinary school, trade schools. Right. Like those I hear positive things about. Right. But the traditional college, the only positive thing I've heard people talk about is the sororities or the fraternities or the partying or the...

48:27
The friends, it's nothing to do with the education. I went into it, how you just talked about it. I did four years of working in restaurants. You knew it's what you wanted to do. Before I did that. And I knew going into it, because this is kind of how I was raised, is you get out of it what you put into it. So I went in with every expectation of not walking out of there saying, well, now I should make six figures because I have a piece of paper. Like, no, I did it because I wanted to be better. Because there's only so much that I could learn in a time frame.

48:56
I understand that no one has to go to culinary school to be great in the kitchen, but I wanted to expedite that timeframe. I wanted to learn the jargon. I wanted to learn the classics. I already knew how to cook. I already knew how to do a lot of this stuff. I wanted to learn how to tournay a carrot with a bird's beak knife and stuff because that's a classical whatever. I will never do it in real world application, but I want to know how to do it. I went because I wanted to.

49:27
i want you paid for i'd pay for i worked all the way not through that's through and uh... well no i had loans i had to take a student loans okay i'd like my grandma when she passed away she left my mom some money and so my mom and then basically instead of me getting money my grandma paid for some of that i don't remember what the dollar amount was but like i think it might have been a quarter or maybe half of that i don't recall uh... so that was my inheritance you know it was

49:57
six or eight thousand dollars or something like that. I don't know. I don't recall. But no, I had to take out student loans and I paid on those student loans for six years after, you know, five or six years after because, you know, mine it was so small compared to traditional school is, you know, ninety dollars a month. But I paid it off, you know, and so but I still worked through there because like I still had to pay for all my own fuel, my my lifestyle, you know, and I was still living at home. But

50:24
everything else was on me like it had been since I was 16. And so, yeah, I mean, I would 100% say go for it if that's the route that you want to go. But I can't stand that whole, like, you should just go to figure out what you want to do. It's like, no, you should go work to figure out what you want to do. Then you can go to school. Or intern. Right. Well, that's what I mean by work. Like, instead of paying money to go to school,

50:48
How about you just don't accept money and you go intern? Yeah. Well, and the other big thing that I heard someone, I think I sent you this video. You could still struggle to figure out how to pay your bills that way. The other day was this lady said that high schools are just a pipeline. They're just a pipeline for universities to sell you a six figure education. Yeah. Well, look at the rate of increase of what a college education costs now, time and money wise. Yeah.

51:18
Like for me to be a college dropout, which I went all the way through a program. And then when I was ready to graduate, they added an additional five hours that I needed to graduate. And I was not willing to go pay another $15,000 in order to get the piece of paper. So I left and I was in there for marketing. I had a- Oh, the whole thing's a racket. Yeah. I had a double major, double minor. And I was, you know, then five extra hours put on it. And-

51:46
I walked away and I walked away with $60,000 of student debt, no paper to show for it. And then when I got out and actually started in the field of marketing, nothing they taught me was applicable. If they're teaching marketing out of a textbook, it is outdated.

52:13
or just misled as to what a marketing degree is. Because I think what that should be is, and I'm sure that there are some schools and some instructors and professors that would tell you, no, no, we teach the fundamentals of what this is. Right. Not how to do it. Sure. Well, and now, and I think this is probably why my position is so strong with the kids, is anything that we're doing right now, we've just bootstrapped. We've figured out how to do it. We went to YouTube University and we learned by fire.

52:43
You know, trial by fire. And so I just, I'm in the firm belief that there's nothing in life that you can't figure out that way, other than becoming a doctor or a lawyer. Like there's very few, there's maybe, I could count on both my hands, the jobs that you actually physically have to go to school and have a piece of paper in order to do. And I just. And see for me, it's more, I'm less like a doctor. Yes, I'm a surgeon.

53:12
A surgeon or a chemist, yes. But outside of that, I'm more concerned with engineers. That's the one that I want more than I care about the other, anything else. I want the architects, the engineers, the chemists behind creating the compounds that we use that hold up our buildings or create our medicines or create the products that we use and adjust.

53:40
Those are all things that need degrees. Outside of that, like, there were not medical schools before. You went and you sat with, like, the old, you know, medicine man from the tribe. If you want a real trip, go look up the foundation, like, what created, or who created, colleges. Yeah. And what the idea behind it was. Right. Because that's a trip.

54:06
Now I think also like now that I know that information, I couldn't be in support of them. Yeah. So anyway, I think you just need to be very intentional with colleges. They're not a place for you to figure out who you are because typically you'll find out someone who you really don't want to be. Yeah. Because I have met very few people who went to college to find themselves that liked who they were when they got out. Yeah. So I think you need to go find out who you are by just going and working. Go live life. Go get a job.

54:35
good because again it's like i really want to try to implement with the kids and and be a uh... bring us back to parents as spokesperson for do try everything in your twenties figure out what you want to do in your thirties make money in your forties and do as little as possible in the fifties try everything in your twenties when you're young when you don't need as much sleep when you probably don't have a family or

55:04
you know major responsibilities job hunt her job jump you know figure out what you like to do what you did if you decide hey i'm twenty seven years old i figured out i really want to get into psychiatry i'm gonna get a degree awesome go for it a hundred percent will support you then but if you tell me that you're eighteen years old and you decide that you want to go do this like come on i don't believe that

55:31
Nine times out of ten, I do not believe that because I know again very few people who started into college doing something and wound up doing something completely different. And so again, I'm not saying everybody do whatever they feel like they need to do, but that's kind of our stance and that's kind of where we I think are trying to direct not only our lives, but the lives that we have been deemed responsible to help lead. You know, so.

56:01
Well, and I think with the kids, you know, basically what we've tried to do is look at who we want them to be and then kind of worked backwards and then filled the gaps where we had gaps in order to make sure we've got the pieces in place. And we're still figuring that stuff out. Like, there is literally not one parenting book that can make you get it right 100% of the time. But...

56:29
we're a lot faster to jump on our own gaps now than we are about jumping on the kids. Yeah. Well, I think the other just huge two cents that I would put in here for anybody that either is listening or whatever that, you know, if you're struggling with your kids, whether that's behavioral, whether that's emotional, whatever it may be, like there are so many resources out there.

56:59
Like I know people who will spend an hour figuring out like how to make this, you know, nutcracker out of paper for four hours, but they won't spend 30 minutes to do any kind of research to figure out my child is doing this or I'm struggling with this kind of connection with my kid. And I don't care if it's on Tik TOK or where it's at, but be better. Right. Like that's just the end of the day. Like I can't stand when parents complain. About.

57:29
whatever does be better. Well, I think that we both, I mean, this has come up in several of the episodes, we both have a pet peeve of people talking and then not having action. And I think that's all it is. If you are frustrated with your life, with your kids, with your job, with your whatever, and you keep talking about it and talking about it and talking about it, and you're stuck in this negative mindset about this, do something different. Change it.

57:59
Quit talking about it and do something. Like even making the wrong step will surely bring you to the right step if you just keep moving. But you can't stay in the same position and then go, I don't know why I'm not in Hawaii. Well, have you moved at all? No. Well, I mean, it's just like, and understanding those things, cause like I understand, like I would like my weight to be different, but I'm not at a breaking point where it's important enough for me to make any kind of radical life changes.

58:27
And I'm just enough there that I've started doing mild exercises, what I can do with my arthritis and cheer injuries. Right. But like, I can do more, but I'm not at that point. I'm at this point where I'm going to do something. Right. And that's just my thing is like, I'm not at a point, so I don't complain about it. I don't complain about, you know, well, I wish that these clothes fit better. Oh, I wish it's like, other than my midsection, like everything else is fine, you know, in terms of...

58:55
that. But anyway, so it's like, I'm not going to complain about it because I know that I am not at a point where I'm ready to do something drastic and make a huge commitment to a change. You know, I made a commitment to getting up and doing a devotional every day, so I get up at six o'clock in the morning and I come and spend an hour doing my devotional stuff. It doesn't matter if it's, we went to bed at one o'clock. I get up at six. It doesn't matter what we did the day before. I get up at six. It doesn't matter. Like, I've made that commitment and I've held to that commitment.

59:26
ever since that sermon was. So I mean, it was been six weeks, eight weeks ago, something like that. And sometimes it sucks. Like right now I'm very tired because I'm trying to recoup because we were up till late, like several nights in a row. And to me, I mean, if it's past 11 o'clock, like it's getting late. But I, because I held myself accountable to the 6 a.m. thing because I want to be...

59:53
I want to have a better connection with God and I want to have a better relationship and all these things and so it's like, okay, I'm ready for a drastic change. I'm tired of complaining about X, Y, and Z, I want to make a change. And so that's just kind of how I work. But yeah, it's the same thing with parenting or anything else. When kids can sniff out hypocrites so quick. So quick. Yeah, and I think you need to be a constant. Especially when you're not bringing light to it.

01:00:20
Because there's times that I'll tell Curb to do something and I realize that I'm being a hypocrite and then I'll even tell her like, I realize I don't do this well either. And she appreciates me calling myself out and reacts so much better than if I just tell her to do the thing and don't put a mirror up to myself and let her know, hey, I understand this is probably really frustrating coming from me because I don't do this well either, but I need you to do X, Y, or Z. Right. Well, and I think, again, for me, it's so important

01:00:51
you know for example it be like if you preached you need to drink more water you need to drink more water and all you drink is diet Dr. Pepper all that does to me is tell me or to tell that child hey do as I say not as I do or once you get on your own because that's what was always preached to me too is once you have your own house and your own stuff you can make your own rules no it should be like these are the rules in which your life should be guided around so even after you get I mean

01:01:20
My parents didn't do that a whole lot. Their only thing was we could have a motorcycle once we moved out. But as long as we lived under their roof, no motorcycle. But it was none of the other stuff. Like it was never like going to church. Well, when you get older, you don't have to go to church. But if you live here, like that wasn't a thing. We just, we went to church, you know, or we did these things. We had integrity. We had, we do the right thing, you know? And so even when no one's looking. And so I think by...

01:01:48
not implying that, hey, when you're here, we're gonna hold you here. We don't live up to that standard, but we expect you to, but hey, as soon as you don't live here anymore, you're free to go do whatever it is that you wanna do. And so I think it's important to be very conscious of what you're telling your kids, whether they're two or 10, it matters. You need to be very intentional on your threats, your follow through.

01:02:16
you're holding yourself and your other people in your family accountable and your family accountable and because you know they'll sniff it out they'll see this or they just realize like oh it's okay to say one thing and then do another. Because that's what my parents do. You know it's just life is full of empty threats, broken promises and a bunch of vague morals. And so my whole thing is just do.

01:02:46
better if you want to be like quick complaining and do better. Yeah. So parents, why don't you drop some of your favorite resources in the comments so that everybody else can grab from everybody else's stuff. Yeah. And we'll try to I'll try to find a couple of those people that I like for resources that you can go check out their TikTok or YouTube or websites. So we'll try to we'll get those put in the show notes and you can.

01:03:14
Check them out if you feel so inclined and want to be better. Thanks for listening. Thank you. Bye. Thanks for turning into the Velvet Ventures. If you'd like more information about who we are, what we do, or you want to follow us or any of our companies, then feel free to check out the link below. Other than that, thank you so much to our sponsors for making this episode possible. See you next time.