Bougie Bayou Witches Podcast
Why Do People Stay in Toxic Relationships/Friendships/Marriages?
Why do we stay in toxic relationships, even when we know they're bad for us? On this empowering episode of the Bougie Bayou Witches Podcast, we explore the deep-seated reasons behind this baffling phenomenon. Joined by our insightful guests, Nisha and Q the Alchemist, we uncover the various forms of toxicity—from jealousy and emotional abuse to manipulation tactics like gaslighting and guilt-tripping. Through personal anecdotes and expert insights, we reveal how fear of starting over can make toxicity seem almost normal, and the severe toll it can take on mental and emotional well-being.
Discover the dangerous cycle of trauma bonds and how they can trap individuals in abusive relationships, mistaking it for love. We'll highlight the importance of self-love and personal growth as the keys to breaking free from these harmful dynamics. By understanding how manipulators operate and recognizing red flags, we stress the need for self-reflection and inner work to cultivate healthier, more genuine connections. Nisha and Q the Alchemist share their wisdom on the critical steps to reclaiming peace and self-worth, whether in romantic relationships or toxic friendships.
Finally, we provide actionable advice on rebuilding self-esteem and prioritizing mental health after leaving a toxic relationship. From connecting with your spiritual beliefs to taking time for self-discovery, we underscore the importance of healing from all traumas and avoiding the pitfalls of codependency. Tune in as we emphasize the necessity of honest self-evaluation, the courage to walk away, and the strength to start anew. Join us for this profound episode filled with invaluable insights and guidance for fostering meaningful, non-toxic relationships.
Why do we stay in toxic relationships, even when we know they're bad for us? On this empowering episode of the Bougie Bayou Witches Podcast, we explore the deep-seated reasons behind this baffling phenomenon. Joined by our insightful guests, Nisha and Q the Alchemist, we uncover the various forms of toxicity—from jealousy and emotional abuse to manipulation tactics like gaslighting and guilt-tripping. Through personal anecdotes and expert insights, we reveal how fear of starting over can make toxicity seem almost normal, and the severe toll it can take on mental and emotional well-being.
Discover the dangerous cycle of trauma bonds and how they can trap individuals in abusive relationships, mistaking it for love. We'll highlight the importance of self-love and personal growth as the keys to breaking free from these harmful dynamics. By understanding how manipulators operate and recognizing red flags, we stress the need for self-reflection and inner work to cultivate healthier, more genuine connections. Nisha and Q the Alchemist share their wisdom on the critical steps to reclaiming peace and self-worth, whether in romantic relationships or toxic friendships.
Finally, we provide actionable advice on rebuilding self-esteem and prioritizing mental health after leaving a toxic relationship. From connecting with your spiritual beliefs to taking time for self-discovery, we underscore the importance of healing from all traumas and avoiding the pitfalls of codependency. Tune in as we emphasize the necessity of honest self-evaluation, the courage to walk away, and the strength to start anew. Join us for this profound episode filled with invaluable insights and guidance for fostering meaningful, non-toxic relationships.
Hi, I'm Toni. I'm with Bougie Bayou Witches Podcast. Of course, you know I'm the host and I have some guests here, and this is Nisha.
Speaker 2:Q the Alchemist.
Speaker 1:Alright, so today is our episode 18, and we're talking about why do people stay in toxic relationships, marriages, friendships. You know just why do people stay in these toxic situationships, relationships, marriages or friendships. All right, so I'm gonna go ahead and get started. What constitutes a toxic relationship to you?
Speaker 2:read a question one more time kill okay, um, when it comes to toxic uh, toxic relationship is um one, uh, when you have somebody that's jealous of you and, you know, want to battle with you and take you as a more of a challenge of an opponent instead of working together as a team and also not able to communicate in a way to where it's being reciprocated, in a way where your energy and your peace is being, you know, in a better way of being positive, right, you know so it's always an argument or something crazy or something comes about the blue out of no particular reason and if there's no resolving it, you know it's really toxic, honestly. Or when they do things blatantly just to do it and just out of just out of knowing that they could do it and get away with it, that's toxic, straight up, it's toxic. It's toxic.
Speaker 1:Okay, All right, Nisha. What constitutes a toxic relationship?
Speaker 3:Being manipulative to each other. The petty tit for tat is very toxic. Um, the the petty tit for tat, I was very toxic. Um, instead of being it being physical, it's more emotional. Uh, abuse and toxicity, where I have to do this to make you understand, or you need to get my point of view on things, and now, uh, it's always control. Um, nobody's gonna be above me or better than me, and if it wasn't for you, you wouldn't be with me. Toxicity. And then, too, sometimes you're just scared to leave because if you go to somewhere else, you may feel the same. You'd be in the same situation.
Speaker 1:I don't know, I feel like, um, what constitutes a toxic sexual um relationship? It's just, sometimes people get used to, um, that toxic relationship. They get used to the verbiage. They get used to the verbiage, they get used to the way that they're being treated, to where they just become normal, it's a norm to them. And so, instead of them thinking about, you know, loving on themselves more and thinking, okay, should I deserve to, you know, be in this relationship, they just try to do what they can to work through it and push through it, because they don't want to keep getting into another relationship and having to try and start all over.
Speaker 1:So instead, they try to work through it and deal with the toxic relationship until it's done. They're like threatening to where they have no choice but to leave because they are about to be dead. You know, in certain situations, when it do become, you know, very obsessive or violent. But we shouldn't let it, you know, get to that point we should be able to acknowledge that, hey, this is just toxic, this is, it's too much going on If we can't go to get some kind of going to these counselors and get some counseling done so we can see what you're doing wrong, what I'm doing wrong and try to you know work on making it better.
Speaker 2:Then guess what it might be you know, know, time for y'all to just exit that relationship instead of being together and making each other feel miserable. But see in that, in that toxic relationship, you can also die. Yes, energetically, you could be so depleted, yes, so drained to where you lose so much sight of yourself. You don't know left from right back from you.
Speaker 1:Don't know if you alive or not, even though you are alive. It's like you lost your mind, because you keep dealing with this toxicity instead of you trying to do something about it and leave the situation, and I understand it's.
Speaker 2:You know, love do get thrown out there and sometimes we love the person so much to where we really want to work it out, but sometimes love ain't enough but see also if but see also when it comes to the brain-wise it does something to the corpus canvas in your mind, to where it hits you, to where it puts you in a mind state, to where it be so traumatizing, to where you really have to go get some help after you go through something like this because it really hits different who you telling it hits?
Speaker 2:different, but yes, it does.
Speaker 1:Toxic relationships that's a no for me, but yes, it does. Toxic relationships that's a no for me.
Speaker 3:But what are some examples of you know, people that you might have known that were in toxic relationships? Do you have any examples? I had an auntie, a baby auntie, that was in one since she was like 16, 17 years old, oh, and it was like every other week they love on each other, fight for a week, then they have it back together.
Speaker 3:Then they call in the police, until one day he blackened her eye. She went to the gas station the next day to work and I was like mascara can't cover that up. So that's when she made her final situation or made her final decision that you know I got to go after so many years. She left and then, once she left, two, three months later she's back doing the same thing all over again with him. So you know.
Speaker 1:So she left him and two, three months later she went back to him and went back.
Speaker 3:That's toxicity, because it was, like always something.
Speaker 1:But you know what I've realized?
Speaker 1:Not just keeping up you can't go ahead, but I don't I, I know people, they, they um like to be in these toxic relationships because it's like when they get with someone that's good and that's going to treat them right. They're not used to that, so they'll rather do them wrong. Because they were so used to being done wrong in relationships. They'll mess up a wrong because they were so used to being done wrong in relationships that mess up a good thing. To go back to the same thing. It's like hello, do you like that toxic situation? If so, then just continue being with someone toxic. But my thing is you can't expect him to be perfect or she to be perfect because you keep running to that same situation versus trying to be someone different. It's like you're attracting the same thing over and over and over.
Speaker 2:Because see, some assignments that you assign to people to help them, you know, be a catalyst to help them grow, to help them be pulled up into a certain level too, especially if they ask for you in a certain way. So some people ask for certain things and don't know how to really treat it. You know, or never had it before, so you have to understand that how a person is going to be able to treat you if they never had it before, especially if you're one of a kind in that person's life. So when you go through the experience with that person and they lose you, they might fill your spot but you become non-replaceable. They look for you all over and you want to get that part of that once in a lifetime of that person that you never had before and you go looking for that person once in a lifetime, yet you go.
Speaker 2:You go looking for that person and every person and you can never find that person and you want to try to come back to that person and be like, oh, I'm sorry, whatever, whatever. But then again, when the person are really seeing what you, what they've seen in you, and they can't unsee it, they can't go back down that road no more. So it's part of my experience, you know, dealing with you, know, someone of I was just, you know, I was sent to you, know, to do some things different, but they didn't see it that way. So, you know, touche it's on them.
Speaker 1:You know, um, yeah, that's totally great. Okay, so how do toxic relationships differ between romantic partnerships, friendships and family dynamics? Q.
Speaker 2:Well, when it comes to that dynamic, when the partnership, you just have to learn how to learn how to talk to each other, even when it comes to friendship, because the thing about it, you got to become your lover's friend. You know order to become great lovers. You know so because the thing about it you know basically your best friend, you know. So you should be able to go and talk to that person about anything or, without any judgment or any get looked at any different. You know we can sit down, laugh, joke or talk whatever. But when it comes to you say, with family too as well, right, yes.
Speaker 2:So with family, some family not going to understand, some family never reach that point to, when it comes to the fathom around their brain, to even understand well, what are you doing? So it becomes a norm to them to where they would never understand it. It's out of their worlds, out of their Family, just like that toxic energy, yeah.
Speaker 2:That's just how they that toxic energy yeah, but and it's crazy because, like the trauma bond that they get from it, they figure it's love. But it's really not love. It's really the part of true they feel like that's love and they feel, like you know, being attached to the trauma.
Speaker 1:Oh, because he hit me, he loved me yeah, because she hit me, she loved me, he don't love me, or if he don't yell at me, that mean he don't love me right, so that all stems back from where you gotta really go into yourself and do the work and understand where real love is, what it really is, and nobody.
Speaker 2:You know, some people don't want to do the work. People want to hand out, because with the work it requires change and some people so complacent they don't want to change, they don't want to sit down and do the change.
Speaker 3:They're stuck in complacency, so and life can be much easier once they follow the change and not knowing they can do the same thing to somebody else. But People are just very selfish.
Speaker 1:Very, very selfish. You know you got to be open minded and open to doing things differently. If you notice and realize okay, this isn't working with my partner, this isn't working with my friend or this isn't working with my family, let me try to just do something different.
Speaker 1:Let's communicate, and let's try to sit down and come to some kind of conclusion on how we're going to do things. So that way we ain't got to worry about this toxic relationship with my friend, with my family or with my mate. So so yeah so I totally agree, okay. What psychological factors contribute to someone staying in a toxic relationship?
Speaker 3:I know right, no way out it's it's.
Speaker 2:It's not the side psychological about that, it's just finding a way out to get out of it. Because, like I said, when you get that trauma bond and you get stuck to that thing and you figure that is love and that you'd be scared to step outside of the thing that you thought was love and you'd be scared that you could meet somebody even worse or you just be stuck on that part of like man, she really loved me. I ain't going to find nobody that loved me the way she loved me. Because she does this or he does this. They're plural to what is totally abuse.
Speaker 1:But people get stuck to the abuse and figure the abuse is love. And then sometimes some people you have to understand that comprehension level might not be the same, so some people might not comprehend. Comprehend like how we will, we'll know that, okay, we're gonna walk away from it, but they might not know how they might think slower you know, their response and the way they handle and deal with situations might be slower, so they might feel like, okay, this is, you know the norm, this is okay you know, when in reality, they need help because they don't know how some of the trauma, some of the trauma affects you mentally.
Speaker 2:It really keep you mentally stuck. It keep you in a mental prison to where you feel like, okay, now I have to deal with this. Now, this is love, this is what it. Now, this is love, this is what it feels like, this is what love feels like, but it's really not love. But you get it so mixed up to where you thought it was love, but it was fake the whole time, especially if you keep getting in the same, you know, relationships, friendships, back to back back to change.
Speaker 2:So when you go through the dark night of the soul, you do the shadow work and you go into yourself within and you change that and you heal from childhood trauma. You healed everything that you're going to get the same love back whenever you reciprocate out.
Speaker 1:That's so true. That's why, until you actually sit here and learn how to love yourself, how are you going to sit here and love somebody?
Speaker 2:else.
Speaker 1:You don't love yourself, so you're going to allow them to do all kinds of things to you because you don't love you, because I know, once I started loving me, I wasn't putting up with a lot of people, oh man it hit different.
Speaker 2:The bounce is on 1,000. Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:I don't have to feel like. I got to ask somebody you know in my life because I need my bills paid. I need this and that no that's when you get off your butt and you do it yourself. So that way you ain't got to depend on no man to do it for you On this journey, I mean they helping you out and y'all both going in together. No-transcript.
Speaker 2:Right right, right right.
Speaker 1:Or I don't have no money and he is the money supplier.
Speaker 2:But don't get me wrong, or keep getting being in a toxic relationship On this journey. On this journey that we're journeying, who wouldn't want to really be loved?
Speaker 2:Like for real on a platonic level, on a level of intellectual you know type of thing, to where you can understand really, just to really gel with each other, really to understand each other. Yes, you do, we all do, but at the same time you've got to be able to have the discernment and the intuition to find out who that person really is. You know before you even interact with it.
Speaker 3:Because it's work is you know before you even interact with it, because it's work. Yeah, trust me, it's work.
Speaker 3:It is, um, to back off of what everybody said, it's true because, um, you as a person have to choose where you want to be and at the same time, if somebody's brainwashing you, telling you that you know nobody's here for you like I am and nobody's gonna be with you the way I am, and all this such and such, and you ain't gonna find nobody like them, right, like I take, I take care of you. I made you. You know that is it's just all toxic. So you do have to be careful who you're with, who you're around. And then not only that, um, you need to keep yourself grounded and always listen to your intuition.
Speaker 1:Yes, because that verbal abuse can mentally mess you up. You can start thinking they're right, yeah, especially when they're constantly telling you you ain't nothing, ain't nobody gonna want you, you just that you start hearing it so much you start sometimes believing it. You know what I'm saying. So then, once you start believing it, then you start having that lower and lower and lower self-esteem to where you gonna feel like I'm nothing, nobody's going to want me. I might as well just accept what I'm in and just stay in it and deal with all this toxic stuff and just deal with not being happy. And you know, and I'm sorry, I love being happy, whether or not it's with someone or by myself or with someone. I want to be happy. I can't and I refuse to be unhappy. Now I understand you know in relationships you're going to go through problems. You're going to, you know, have things working out, but if 24,.
Speaker 1:I mean put it like this If you having more problems than having good things, if you weigh the pros and the cons, it's not going to work out. It's time for you to either try to get some counseling, to get some work done. If that's not working, then it's y'all to sit down and discuss what y'all next steps are. Because why keep being with someone and you're miserable? Why it's? It's not healthy, you thinking it's healthy but it's not. It's mentally messing you up in the inside and it's got you stressed out and going crazy and it's like why do you want to sit here and just destroy you know, your life and everything, just because you're unhappy and you want to put up and deal with something toxic like it's crazy.
Speaker 1:I've been through, uh, a physical I'm sure a lot of us been through some toxic stuff, you know in life.
Speaker 2:You know, and it was just like man and you sit back and you, after you done grew and after you did the shadow work and after you done did all the work, you look at it like wow, I put up with all that all that I went through and it's like I should have been left a long time ago, but yeah. It becomes a catalyst.
Speaker 1:It becomes a catalyst to your ascension, to help you to be grown, to become stronger as long as you learn from your mistakes and you don't keep making them over and over and over, it's okay. Nobody's perfect, we're going to go through things in life, but it's just about learning from that and not continuing to make the same mistakes over and over and over. That's when it ain't nobody fault but yours, because you keep making them same mistakes over and over and over.
Speaker 3:You know better you know.
Speaker 1:So yes, okay. Um, how does fear of the unknown or fear of being alone contribute to staying in a toxic relationship? How do you feel like that fear of the known or the unknown basically contributes to being alone and staying in a toxic relationship?
Speaker 2:Well, it comes with the codependency Because, see, people would be scared to be alone and scared to do the work, to go, you know, to go within yourself to become a greater person. But sometimes you have to be alone. But really, really, at the end of the day, you're not alone. Let's be honest, you're not alone. Yeah, so you might be, have that, that fleshly to fleshly body person that you don't have around you. Yeah, alone in that area, but in the spirit you're not alone. So we have to understand, like, get off the codependency of the flesh to flesh type of thing and get with your spirit team, get with your ancestors and to go within to do the work that you have to do, to get to yourself, because sometimes you have to take that spot to get to yourself, to find out more about yourself, because people think we go around thinking that we know everything about ourselves. No, you don't.
Speaker 3:No, you don't, no we don't?
Speaker 2:We have to do the work to find out more about ourselves, man, and that's the part to where the works come in the work, doing the work, so going within and getting to yourself, is the best thing ever. It was the best thing ever for me because it helped me discover things in myself that I had to rewire, rework and redo over, tear down and rebuild. And I found greatness. I ain't gonna lie, I found greatness.
Speaker 1:I feel like a lot of people do have that fear of being by themselves. You know, they'll rather just stay, you know, in a toxic relationship because, again, they might not be used to having to pay all the bills by themselves. They might be afraid that they're going to have to struggle or might have to go back and stay with mama and daddy or auntie or uncle or grandparents or a friend or a family member, you know, daddy or auntie or uncle or grandparents, or a friend or a family member. You know so they don't want to do. They feel like everybody's going to be pointing fingers and talking about them or they might let their pride get in the way. So they'd rather just sit there and deal with that toxicity versus going out and venturing on, getting on their own and, just, you know, just trying to, you know, get themselves together before they do get into another relationship.
Speaker 1:A, a lot of people don't like to be by themselves. They really just deal with BS and be with someone and keep remarrying them and this and that, just so they don't have to, you know, be by themselves. They'd rather be with someone. That, too, take care of responsibility. They'd rather have that other person than get out here and be independent and do it by themselves, because they're so used to being codependent on someone versus getting out here and being an independent person right and it's sad, like when getting out of relationship I gotta go live under somebody else to get over this person.
Speaker 2:That don't work, that's like that's a whole don't worry that. Don't worry that don't work and you know what, and that was the best thing ever the best thing that I did for myself coming out of you know, my last marriage is when I really just got to myself. Really just went into within myself and really, really found out more things about me that. I thought I knew, but I didn't.
Speaker 2:But, like I said, I found greatness and I'm still on that. You know way of just finding more about myself that you know becoming greater Right. So getting with yourself is the best thing, man what do you?
Speaker 3:feel and then not only that, getting um being by yourself. I will. I know for exactly for me going to a divorce to just being by myself and, you know, really being good and responsible paying bills. I didn't have that problem. My fear was okay. Now that I'm on my own, there will be some alone time, but how much long time would it be when?
Speaker 1:I'm used to being around people, right, so it was more like okay.
Speaker 3:And then when I finally made a decision, um, I went. I went AWOL for like two years to actually just say, okay, this is what I like, this is what I'm into, this is what I feel, uh, spiritual, wise, um, the light just came on one day and I just happened to be outside and then I realized, like I didn't see the world as this, but now I see it as this. So it's like a breath of fresh air, of knowing that, you know, coming out of a darkness to a lightness is where you should have been a long time ago so yes it's very important to be by yourself, to know yourself as well.
Speaker 1:Okay, so how do manipulation tactics like gaslighting and guilt tripping keep individuals in toxic relationships?
Speaker 2:Because they like to switch the blame. They switch the blame and switch everything on to you. So it's basically a mind game of taking that, although when you try to get them to understand about their selves, they switch it around on you and then you come blaming yourself like, okay, well, baby, it was my fault.
Speaker 1:But that mind game thing, man, if your mind is not wrapped really tight or really have a mind of your own, you're gonna get played like a checkerboard, like I'm telling you every time the men know them weak women, they know the right ones to sit here and run them games on versus them strong ones where they be like next. I don't want them what up. She too smart, I want a dumb one.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's true, but I don't know, you know, some men are different. I want a strong woman, because the thing hey let me know I'm slacking, let me know I'm slipping, like hey, baby, he not right for you. So I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to check into that. I'm going to look at that like, okay, maybe she right, she could see some things that I don't see. So us as men, we need that, but I can't speak for everybody.
Speaker 1:But it is what it is. What about you?
Speaker 3:manipulation tactics like gaslighting and guilt tripping keep individuals in a toxic relationship um, especially if they're just like them and just petty as well, they want to play the play the game. Okay, you do it to me, I do it to you, but ten times worse. Um, those two wishes will put you in handcuffs or you could be.
Speaker 3:You know, I don't know how to get put in your hand, cause you know we want to exit before we get to that point, but but you know it do happen right if you, especially if you're not spiritually saying your guts, telling your intuition, you need to leave or just don't go, and you go knowing there's something out of the blue is about to happen and you're just like I'm gonna just go for the ride and you know, let it happen.
Speaker 3:And then when it's like, okay, I set myself up for this. But now I know this person likes this gaslighting, he likes two women fighting over him and he's not going to do a thing about it and at the end you lose and he marries the one that was really toxic. They live happily ever after Six months later.
Speaker 1:I feel it's people that are weak, People that are not very strong, People that are weak, people that are not very strong. They do tend to stay in toxic relationships.
Speaker 2:Because if you're a strong, individual.
Speaker 1:You're not going to sit here and let nobody see you or know you and treat you any kind of way and have you over here feeling sad and unhappy. You're not going to deal with that. But if you're a weak person, then you will. And it's not saying that people who are weak are bad. They're no good. It's just some people are not strong. You know. Bad they're no good, they're little. It's just some people not strong. So, with that being said, some will tolerate and deal with more versus someone who's stronger.
Speaker 1:They doses like we out, we running, you know what I'm saying but then they'll stay and they'll stay, and then years and years will pass and they're just dealing with that toxic. You know relationship and they're okay with it, they're happy, they're going to be fond of it and they eventually loving it. So they get to the point where they're just done, they're fed up and they're ready to go. But you know it just, it depends on the individual, like whether or not they're strong or weak.
Speaker 3:Right, that's how I feel, and you can smell a weak person from a mile away.
Speaker 1:You can spot them, you can see them. What are some red flags of emotional manipulation.
Speaker 2:People should be aware of Dealing with these manipulators, I heard it's just when they come to you and say everybody that I've been through in my life was always bad to me.
Speaker 1:Right, they always good, it was always good. It's the first thing.
Speaker 2:And sometimes you have to really be mindful about that because at the end of the time, the end of the day, okay, you kind of like sort of believe them, but then when you move in with that person, you start seeing how they move.
Speaker 2:You be like, well, hold up that's not like that was you sound like you was the problem the whole time, but nine times out of ten it don't always be that factor, because you know you can run into some things and it can be some things that you know got messed up for you in a in the end too, it really could be meeting the wrong people right, right.
Speaker 2:But at the same time, you got to see how the person move, look at their, pay attention to them, pay attention, pay close attention to how they move, how they, how they handle you, how they talk to you, how they, how your. The energy is being reciprocated, so you have to be close attention, pay, close attention, pay attention to the red like you said so what are?
Speaker 1:some of the red flags that you notice amongst these people that are manipulating people.
Speaker 3:Oh man, the lies, the cycles, not even that they have where they want to just continue to text you, text you, text you, but never call and say, oh, I'm out of town or oh, I got this, I got church, I got this, blah, blah, blah. But then you picking up the phone and hanging up sending me call you back.
Speaker 2:I gotta take this or, or, or the communication, basically what?
Speaker 1:you're saying, when you notice the communication is um becoming, you know, irregular or a problem? Right you used to communicate real good in the beginning, but now all of a sudden it's kind of like oh, I got another call, I gotta take this.
Speaker 2:Oh, this is my work calling me, you know it's okay and you keep doing the things over and over and apologizing for it over and over and over doing the same thing over and over.
Speaker 2:that you add to where apology don't even you know amount up to the things that you keep doing. So it becomes a cycle. So you have to really, like I say, be mindful and pay attention to all the cycles, because sometimes it be right there in front of us, but sometimes I will, I would love get it so caught up to where we push it to the side, we push it to the side and we're like, okay, we're going to give them another chance and we've all been there. But at the same time, you know it becomes, you know, foreign, like you know to where, like I see it now, like you can't come at me, no more manipulation, no more mind games, no more, none of that. And then, when they can't do it, no more mind games, no more, none of that. And then, when they can't do it, no more. They get mad at you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's your fault that this happened like this, or I tried to tell you, but you, your big head, didn't listen.
Speaker 1:You know your big head didn't listen. So what about? You know people that have friends and you know they have toxic relationships with them. How do you feel like that plays a factor with toxic Like? You got this friend and y'all constantly getting into it. Y'all always arguing, Y'all never see eye to eye but y'all still, you know, love each other because y'all friends are, you know, have a very strong like for you know one another. How do you feel that plays a part in you know, dealing with relationship? This is talking about just straight up friendship. Do you want to?
Speaker 1:deal with toxic friends.
Speaker 2:With that friendship it's only going to go so far, right, because the simple fact that it's going to keep putting on you and tugging on you to where you're not going to have no energy for yourself, just like you know. It's almost like a relationship, because the thing about it, you with your friend, your best friend, somebody that calls you, you know, supposed to be your friend, he's supposed to look out for you or she's supposed to look out for you in that way to where, ok, if you love me, spare my energy, spare my peace you know what I'm saying, see me on that level to understand. But if they can't see you on that level and it's constantly the same thing, the same cycle, just like a relationship you're going to have to let it go, because the simple fact that go keep pulling you down into a mind space, or it's a head space, to where you're not trying to go or trying to be that.
Speaker 1:So you steady pulling on me, so I, I'm sorry I love you, but I'm gonna have to just let you go. Okay, what about you? Um?
Speaker 3:these past couple of years I do the ghost thing. I'm so petty, never wrong with that I mean hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm just feeling like I feel like you, you rather leave. Yeah, I'm just feeling like I feel like you'd rather leave them than sit here and just keep dealing with that, and I understand that that was wrong. Some people like closure, but some people don't deserve closure. Right, and I know that that might be a little wrong, but some people don't deserve closure. It's better to just walk away and leave that situation and, at the end of the day, if you're not communicating and talking to no more and you're done with them, then they should be smart enough. You know they can cover in that the friendship's over. You don't want what they once had. They're toxic and you're tired of going back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth. I'm sorry. I'm sorry too, you know, crying and going back and forth with each other. It's like sometimes you got to learn how to cut those toxic friendships off, because we've all probably experienced a toxic friendship and realized at the end of the day it wasn't worth it, or it's not you know, so same thing with relationship.
Speaker 1:We we can't keep being in these toxic friendships. So go ahead and say what you're gonna say now, but I rudely cut you off no, no, you're fine, but no, I'm.
Speaker 3:I'm a big fan of ghosting. I mean it's a bad thing to do, but if I'm sitting there, just listen to it constantly, constantly, constantly, and there is like nothing is growing in your relationship. Everything is how you feel, or this is how I'm feeling, blah, blah, blah. And you had this friend come along, so what's exciting in your life? And then everything is just it goes downhill from.
Speaker 1:There.
Speaker 3:I don't like to be around there because I can't get my work done. I can't think to be around that because I can't get my work done. I can't think properly. Two I don't want to take this stuff home with me when I leave at the end of the day or wherever I'm at and three. You just don't want to constantly just hear the bicker and bicker because they're going to leave and go back, leave and go back leave and go back.
Speaker 3:So I just got to where I just started ghosting, I'm like, okay, why you calling me girl? I got caught up in something and leave it at that, and then after a while I'll just block you where you can't come back.
Speaker 2:See, I'll be straight up. Man, I don't want to talk to you. No more, that's me, you're stealing my energy and people be like. Oh well, you arrogant, no. I want to let you know the real yeah the real.
Speaker 1:I don't want that. People don't always have the sugar coat yeah right. If you don't always be nice and sugar coat stuff. You're a mean evil person, no, so yeah.
Speaker 2:So let me, I'm going to tell you the real, so I can one be honest with myself, and I can be honest with you, because I ain't going to lie to myself.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm, what it is, what it is. Some people just have a bad problem taking rejection. Yes, you are so right, some people have a bad problem taking rejection. Because I had this friend girl and every time she would come talk to me it's always about she was in this dang on two relationship with these two men and she constantly keep telling me about this stuff and I'm like, well, I'm giving you advice and you're not listening, so why you keep telling me? You know you ain't gonna do nothing, but go back to both of them. I got to the point I said, girl, look, don't come and tell me anything else about your relationships if it's not about you trying to better yourself and do something, I don't want to hear it. And guess what? She started telling me about her relationships and I was so happy and she just kind of disappeared for a little while.
Speaker 1:But it was good, because it's like you don't always want to hear all that nagging. And okay, if somebody needs to vent, you know to you from time to time, but if it's 24, 7, every time they calling you they complain about the same thing that they ain't gonna do nothing about. But keep going back to that type of situation because they in love with it but they just want to hear themselves talk to someone else. But they, you know it's like, get away from that, because they become energy vampires. They will drain you. You don't need to be around that energy because that's not good for you.
Speaker 1:So you gotta know when to you know. Basically, in other words, you gotta know when to um pull away, call and walk away. I'm sorry, it is what it is. That's why, um, my, my, um circle ain't even a full circle of friendships, but it's cool. You know, I'm like drake, I don't need no, no, I don't need no new friends. I knew that was my song no new friends, none, because, goodness gracious. But can you share any personal stories or experiences that highlight why people stay in toxic relationships with their friends?
Speaker 3:Popularity. They want to be noticed as well. They're all in the group and they do the same, similar things, but they actually don't. Um the ass kissers. They're always. They'll just just be at your.
Speaker 1:Just back your foot but you know what to back you up on that. You know popularity. You know how people put their relationships and all their business and stuff on social media. They trying to sit here and impress social media when they know behind closed doors they not getting it, it's raggedy. Okay, I told you why they on that front, like that relationship is so good, toe up from the floor.
Speaker 2:Man, you know, just because I got this person on my arm, I look good out here, but when we get home, we about to have a drag down fight, you sleeping in that room, I'm sleeping in that room, but okay, we rehearsing it. Okay, you know what, when we go out, we got to look this way, this way, that way, that way, this way. You have on this, I have on this, and we do this like this here. You put your arm around me, I hug you this and that it's time off, all that man. It's time off all that man. That's kiddie games, man, that's high school, middle school stuff. Man, if you ain't really doing it for real, it is what it is, but it's just all about, like they said, it's all about that, that picture.
Speaker 1:They're trying to portray a certain image. You know it's about the image and people feel like you know I don't want people to really know what's really going on in my life, even though I know my close friends and family know. I just want all these other people who don't even know me and probably give about you to think that everything's going amazing and great in my life.
Speaker 1:It's like they want to be that celebrity putting on a persona yes, so they want everybody to feel like oh, they're just doing so great, life is so great, they're just full of. You know all these well and then they work at Burger King. Stop it, honey shout out to Burger King, but you what that was. One of my first fast food jobs was.
Speaker 3:Burger King. Really, I never worked at Burger King, I did McDonald's.
Speaker 1:I was that fast food driver. I'm telling you, tony, we want you to work and drive through today.
Speaker 3:All right, I got it, that labor to stay in the green, but you got to understand when you doing that.
Speaker 1:You got to be good with multitasking.
Speaker 3:Now everybody got good minds.
Speaker 1:I had a good one, you kept yours under a minute and else under a minute too. I do have to talk real fast and I'm going to have to take their orders and multitask and take their money and then give them their drinks and give them their food and then keep on taking their orders. Like you got to know how to multitask and a lot of people don't know how to do that.
Speaker 2:All they know Something wrong with them because, yes, it is.
Speaker 1:I'm going to text all the time. I be texting, working, writing, watching TV.
Speaker 2:Yeah, man, I was like man shh.
Speaker 1:You multitask.
Speaker 3:every day I'm trying to tell you.
Speaker 1:I need that one, joe, I can rub my head, pat my stomach and stand on one foot at the same time it work, yep. I came with you. It work Okay y' offer to individuals that are in these toxic relationships. What advice do you feel like the mental health professionals can offer to individuals in toxic relationships?
Speaker 2:They're going to tell them to heal Go and heal.
Speaker 3:You can't just tell them that though.
Speaker 2:To go well for one.
Speaker 1:That's what they're going to have to do.
Speaker 2:They're not going to know how to heal within themselves. That's the first thing they're going to tell you. They're going to tell you you need to go back and you need to start healing and detach yourself from the situation. So, if it's going to cause you any grief, detach yourself from contact with that person to where you can start healing and get yourself together, you know, to where you can start being able to face things on your own, to where you can be able to have the mindset to be strong enough to be, to withheld, to even stay in contact with that person. I've been through it, you know what I'm saying and I studied on it. You know I like philosophy. You know the human mind. I want to know how the human mind thinks.
Speaker 1:I'm telling you like, the mind is a terrible thing. You got to research, you got to study. You don't like to read, you don't like to do research.
Speaker 2:So it's just one of those things and you know, I always I can get some good advice, but do I be actually listening to my own advice?
Speaker 2:I've been learning now to listen to why I'm talking, to listen to why I'm speaking at the same time, so to where I can iterate it within myself too. So that's the first thing I'm going to tell you just get back to healing, get back to you, get back to yourself, remove the toxic things out of your life, or just remove yourself from it and become you know the toxic things out of your life or just remove yourself from it and become you know, you know, go, you know basically the going within and get to yourself and doing the work and just healing. You know if you actually need any medication or anything like that within it, because it does, it pays, it takes impact on the mental mind.
Speaker 1:Medication can help you to a certain thing, but you have to understand when medication comes side effects.
Speaker 2:So, use some natural herbs.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, right right, natural herbs all day, all day, they ain't gone. Yeah, medication I don't care.
Speaker 2:But I'm just telling the truth. Nothing better than natural herbs from the earth?
Speaker 1:yeah, because you ain't got to deal with all those side effects like what that? Yeah, these doctors are so quick to pump up in everybody and they wonder why when they hit 50 and 60 and 70, you know they got so many health issues and they on so many other different medications and stuff.
Speaker 1:Are they barely, you know, going to be here that long to live? Because you've been taking this medication. It's got all of this that it's doing to your body, and imagine all the years you taking it and all the damage it's doing to your body. So you know it's like wake up and do your research and, you know, educate yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you have to.
Speaker 3:You have to.
Speaker 1:All right. Well, I'm going to go ahead and get ready to wrap this up that one last question and we're going to drop our little. You know feedback for our viewers, what we like to live with them, but what steps can someone take to rebuild their life and self-esteem after leaving a toxic relationship?
Speaker 2:Get to yourself and do the shadow work, do the inner work, do the healing from trauma, all traumas in your life, from childhood to everything. Heal everything. Just don't heal from the marriage because the thing about it all, from a relationship or whatever you've been through, because you got to find out what was the triggers to where a part that you played in when it came to that certain thing in the relationship too, because you know we all do play a part. So you got to understand that. Doing the work within yourself to go with the inside to heal from that properly and then to rebuild yourself mentally.
Speaker 1:OK, what about you, nish?
Speaker 3:Stay to yourself, know who you are, find that, get on a journey and find out where you actually want to be or what you want to do with yourself, but always make sure you stay in tune with your ancestors and you know everything that you were working with, because not only will you have that that one decision that you're thinking about, there's always, always solution to the next one, or you might just get clarification of what's really going on.
Speaker 1:I would say just take some time off before you know jumping into another relationship and just learn how to love yourself and just practice you know some self-love and just also just take time to get to know who you are. I think a lot of times we're so quick to want to always have someone in our lives to feel complete, when in reality it's okay to be by yourself. You know you can still feel complete and be by yourself because at the end of the day, you want to get to know what it is you like, what it is you don't like. You know. You want to get to know what you never know what it's like to actually be by yourself, unless you actually in a relationship and you feel by yourself because the person that you with ain't never around and they actually feel like you, by yourself. But still, when you're getting out of a toxic situation, you just want to take time to heal, love yourself and if you are spiritual, do some shadow work getting your inner self.
Speaker 1:If you got to get some spiritual counseling for someone that you know, do it. But just work on yourself and it's nothing wrong with taking a little time off to do that, because you got to be able to do that, especially when you're gonna have something toxic, something serious. It's nothing to play with and, you know, because it could be life-threatening. I've known people to die being in this toxic relationship, so this is something that I'm serious about. I'm not, you know, on here being funny. I'm being serious and being for real. If you're in something toxic, start thinking twice. Think about trying to go to counseling or think about if you need to exit them, those before you won't be able to walk out that door you know, it's mental health month.
Speaker 1:You know that right it's mental health month this year this month yeah, all right. So what feedback would you like to leave for the customers?
Speaker 3:okay, I don't think it's saying customers, but for our viewers.
Speaker 1:I think I'm still at the store.
Speaker 2:Well, one thing we understand when we're in a relationship or anything that we're going through is not a loss. We think it is a loss, but you're learning how to win again. Even if you think you're taking a loss, but you're learning something from it to reiterate yourself, to learn how to win again in life period.
Speaker 1:And there's also nothing wrong with a fresh start.
Speaker 3:Sometimes we just need to relocate.
Speaker 1:Find out who we are in a different environment and I would basically say you know, don't stay in a toxic relationship or friendship or marriage.
Speaker 1:If you're not happy in your marriage, if you're not happy in your relationship, if you're not happy with the friends that you have around you, do something about it. I know it might be easier said than done and I know actions speak louder than words, but you can do it. Sit down, write down your pros and your cons on this friend. Write down your pros and your cons dealing with your husband or your wife. Write down your pros and cons dealing with your relationship if you're not married and decide whether or not you want to do what's best or if you want to go ahead and stick it through and try to. You know, work on getting some counseling done or just communicating and working things out with that person.
Speaker 1:But you don't want to continue to be with someone that is toxic and someone that it's going to have you unhappy, because at the end of the day, your happiness come first and if you constantly keep putting someone else before you, then you're just only hurting yourself and at the end of the day it's going to mentally mess you up, you know. And so just think about the things you know, especially if you're in a toxic relationship, friendship or marriage. Especially if you're in a toxic relationship, friendship or marriage, all I can say is until next time. Drop your feedback down below, as always, like share and subscribe, and until the next episode. Bye.