Relationship Ruiners: Negative Patterns and Trust Violations

Welcome to the wonderful world of relationships. Join me for an exploration of how our ideas form about relationships and how we can learn to identify and change negative communication patterns. We'll also explore what it means to trust someone and why those trust violations hurt so much. And finally, we'll talk strategies to rebuild trust and revive struggling relationships.

Transcript

E13: Relationship Ruiners

Hello and welcome back to the B Spot for another dose of almost therapy but not quite therapy. I want to remind you that my mission with this podcast is to reach out and help as many people as possible, so, if you know someone who you think might benefit from any of the sessions so far, please pass them on for me. Help me reach more people and hopefully make the world a little bit better, and more rational, one person, or one crisis at a time. Also, another part of my purpose is to provide a space for you to get feedback on issues as they come up. We can open up the discussion through email, and if you’re comfortable, we can discuss it during a session of almost therapy. So, if you’ve found anything to be helpful so far or think that anyone else may benefit from any particular session, or the podcast in general, please share those sessions and help me reach more people. And again, you can reach me at bhellercounseling@gmail.com.

Another symptom of the human condition and a common reason that people reach out for counseling is for help with relationships. For many, the idea of sharing life with someone at a deep emotional level feels almost fantastical. Many of us grew up forming our ideas about relationships from television shows, movies, and the internet, and I don’t think any of those give the most accurate depictions of what it actually means to be in a healthy relationship. Of course the first example, and perhaps the most influential, is that of our parents. We learn a lot from watching how our parents treat each other, and other people. We learn whether men should respect women. We learn whether to handle conflict and stress, with violence, either verbal or physical, or by engaging in rational conversations to reach mutually beneficial outcomes. We learn what respect looks like, what tolerance looks like. We form our base understanding of relationships from those observations at home, and the conclusions we reach can be very challenging to rethink and change as we get older and find that healthy relationships elude us. 

We can’t talk about relationships without discussing one of the first and most significant relationships we form in life. And that is our relationship with our opposite sex parent. Now, as our understanding of attraction, sexual preference and gender identity continue to expand, it’s important to note that the relationship with the opposite sex parent may not carry as much relational significance in homosexual relationships as it does in heterosexual ones. However, those relationships still significantly impact how we see ourselves in relation to others, so they are still very relevant. We determine our relational worth and set our expectations for how we will be treated in future relationships based on how that first object of our affection treats us. When someone comes to me to work on a dysfunctional relationship, one of the first things I’m interested in learning more about is their relationship with their opposite sex parent. Now this isn’t because I’m a Freudian who think we all want to have sex with our parents, but I do believe that any unresolved issues we have with our opposite sex parent will play themselves out in our romantic relationships. We will seek to work through our parent issues with our partner, and that will not only not help us work through the actual issues, but it’s also why so many people find themselves falling into dysfunctional relationship patterns, and staying in bad situations way too long because of the lie, “if I can just fix this, I’ll be ok.” If I can get this person to love me, or see me, it will make up for the hurt I feel from unresolved issues with my parents. That generally doesn’t work nearly as well as working through our issues with our parents, or if our parents are too toxic, irrational, unavailable, or otherwise incapable of engaging in conflict resolution in a healthy way, the work can be done through writing. But if the work isn’t done, the same issues will come up over and over again in your relationships.

We’ve spoken before about the idea of psychological projection, and the role it plays within relationships is another reason why those opposite sex parent issues must be resolved. Those unresolved issues and falsely conceived ideas about yourself are what you will assume your partner believes as well. For example, if you believe that people are likely to ignore you because they think you’re dumb or annoying, because your opposite sex parent implied these things about you, or said these things about you, at some point when you felt especially vulnerable, and now you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has a short attention span, or doesn’t react in the ways you would like, you will assume they are ignoring you because you’re dumb or annoying. Now, I’m not saying you aren’t dumb or aren’t annoying, I’m just saying that you don’t have any evidence that your partner is thinking those things while not checking in on what you’re saying. Your partner may be lost thinking about dinner and not ignoring you for any disrespectful reason.  I call this painting on your partner’s blank canvas. You will assume that your partner’s ambiguous or otherwise unsatisfactory response to a statement or situation, is based on the fact that they believe about you, what you believe about you. When I say, “Don’t paint on my blank canvas,” it means don’t view my neutrality as confirmation of your insecurities. Don’t assume that I’m thinking what you’re thinking. And one of the most common and powerful places for these insecurities to form is from that opposite sex parent relationship, and those insecurities are very likely to play out dysfunctionally, in our romantic relationships. So, if you have unfinished business with your opposite sex parent, or perhaps same sex parent, if you are in a same sex relationship, if you don’t sort that out, you will paint on your partner’s blank canvas, and it will block you from having a fulfilling relationship.

A fulfilling relationship, what does that mean? What makes a relationship good, healthy, meaningful? You could fill a gymnasium with books on this topic. Many different “experts” have developed many different theories about what it takes to build and maintain healthy and fulfilling relationships and we’ll explore some of those theories and see how they can be thought of in a cohesive way. The follow up podcast to relationship ruiners will be relationship strengtheners and will be coming soon. While there are many different theories about how to build a successful relationship, there is pretty clear consensus on what it takes to ruin one. And by the time a relationship leads people to counseling, if not ruined, it’s usually wounded. So, what are the most common ruiners of relationships?

After watching thousands of couples argue in his lab, John Gottman, one of the world’s most famous relationship researchers was able to identify specific negative communication patterns that predict divorce with a 94% accuracy rate. He called them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He also found that the way a conflict begins is very significant in determining how it will end.. A “harsh startup” refers to discussions that begin with sarcasm or some other negative form of communication (e.g. a criticism or expression of contempt), it’s most likely not going to end well. Research shows that you can predict the way a conversation will go 96% of the time based just on the initial three minutes. It turns out that the prediction often holds for the marriage, too. Now onto the horsemen.

The first of the 4 horsemen is criticism. Criticism refers NOT to voicing a complaint or offering critique on your partner’s behavior, it involves attacking your partner’s character, who they are at their core.  It makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt, and often causes the perpetrator and victim to fall into an escalating pattern where the first horseman reappears with greater and greater frequency and intensity, which eventually leads to contempt.

Contempt is the most destructive of The Four Horsemen because it conveys, “I’m better than you. I don’t respect you.” The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless. Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm are forms of contempt. So are hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. If you’ve ever been around someone treating their partner this way, you’ve seen how hostile and relentless this toxic pattern can be.

While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them: and, as one might imagine, that can lead to the next horseman.

The third horseman is defensiveness, and it is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive and likely will be again. But don’t ignore the fact that this horseman is nearly always present when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel unjustly accused, we look for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off. Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes.  Instead, a non-defensive response can express acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault, and understanding of your partner’s perspective.

The fourth horseman is stonewalling, which is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall will make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.

It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable “out,” but when it does, it frequently becomes a bad habit. And unfortunately, stonewalling isn’t easy to stop. It is a result of feeling physiologically flooded, and when we stonewall, we may not even be in a physiological state where we can discuss things rationally. So it becomes even more important that we learn how to regulate our emotions so that we don’t become overwhelmed and lean into toxic behaviors as a result.

If you have identified with any of the 4 horsemen, or if you have identified any of them in your partner, don’t worry. It doesn’t mean you are doomed for divorce…at least, not necessarily. If toxic patterns are recognized within a relationship, and both people become committed to changing those patterns, the relationship can survive and even thrive. But both people have to be willing to do their part and both must place a high value on the health of the relationship. So what do you do to address the horsemen specifically? Well, if you recognize that criticism is the horsemen most present in your relationship, whoever’s guilty should focus on using “I” statements to express feelings and needs in as positive a way as possible. Refrain from attacking your partner’s character and focus on specific events instead.

If contempt has found its way into your relationship, try to build a sense of appreciation for your partner’s good qualities. Find gratitude for the things you love about your partner and ultimately remind yourself that no one wants to be in a relationship where one person has contempt for the other. I don’t think I hate anyone, but if I did, I certainly wouldn’t want to spend time with the person who I hate so why are you with this person if you can’t stop hating them? And if they’re contemptuous toward you, why stay in that relationship either? If contempt is present, perhaps you shouldn’t be.

If you have noticed that you or your partner become defensive too easily, you’re likely aware of how destructive this horseman can be. Once we tell ourselves the story that we are being attacked, our ego sends us into defense mode. And as we get farther from the issue at hand, the conflict spirals downward into an emotional exchange of insults and accusations. To avoid this, take responsibility for your actions. Accept that your partner’s perspective is just as true to them as yours is to you. Rather than defend the points you think you can win, acknowledge the points that are valid, and resist the temptation to try and poke holes in your partner’s perspective. Instead, find the truths that can make your relationship better and focus on the actions associated with those truths. 

And finally, if you or your partner are experiencing emotional flooding to the point that you have checked out of the relationship, and now you actually want to check back in to the relationship, it’s time to learn how to better manage your emotions. I feel like I just told everybody that water is wet, but if your emotional response to situations is so great that you cannot function in a reasonably rational way, you are unlikely to be able to maintain a healthy relationship. Using stress reduction strategies such as yoga, exercise, meditation, therapy, etc. will be vital to you being able to handle the stress of checking back in, and if you’re trying to fix your relationship, you will have to check back in.  You can also ask for a break when your emotions become overwhelming. Talk with your partner about a signal you can give when you are experiencing emotional flooding, that inserts a break into the conversation without hurting anyone’s feelings. Something that says I need a few minutes to collect myself but this issue is important enough to be discussed. So, even if the horsemen are present, there are things you and your partner can do to learn healthier ways to communicate.

Another important component to Gottman’s research has to do with how couples work to resolve their conflicts once they occur, and what efforts are made to repair any damage done. All relationships will have conflict. It is unavoidable. Fortunately, it isn’t the presence of conflict but rather how it is managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. The amount of time a couple lets go by before attempting to repair is significant in determining likelihood of divorce. The longer you allow yourself or your partner to hold negative emotions about the relationship, about each other, the harder it will be to repair that damage. 

Failure to attempt repair is a form of gaslighting, and a reliable sign of a dysfunctional relationship. It’s gaslighting because what the offending partner is communicating is that the other person doesn’t have the ability to understand reality, and that their emotional responses are out of line. These gaslighters find admitting fault to be so threatening to their ego, that they convince themselves, they just can’t do it. So, they pretend it never happened. And believe or not, this can happen over and over again for years due to the psychological manipulation involved in gaslighting. The doubt it can create for the person whose understanding of reality is being consistently challenged can be crazy making.

Another issue that comes up often in relationship counseling is trust. Trust is one of the most comforting feelings we can feel, and one that is vital to a healthy relationship. Trusting requires feeling both emotionally and physically safe in an environment or with a person. Trusting allows us to lower our defenses and relax into a connection with another human. In order to trust, we must accept the vulnerability that comes with it. So it’s no surprise that when trust is broken, we feel violated, unsafe and unloved. When we must accept the reality that the person we once trusted, not only has the capacity to lie to us, but that they actually did, and therefore may again, it can shatter the perception we had about the relationship prior to that. That feeling of safety is gone. I’m sure most of us can remember a time when someone violated our trust. Those types of memories tend to carry a lot of emotional weight even years after the violation occurred. Violations of trust significantly damage relationships. 

By the time couples reach counseling, trust has often been broken, and each person is trying to determine if the relationship is savable, or worth saving? Is forgiveness possible or is the damage too deep. There are many factors that go into determining the answers to these questions and everyone has their own formula they use to decide which direction they want to go. I’ve worked with couples who have persevered through multiple violations of trust, and I’ve seen many people for whom even one significant violation of trust is enough to damage the relationship beyond repair. There is certainly no one size fits all approach here. If a couple wants to save the relationship, they can, but only if both people are willing to play along and do what is necessary. Trust can be rebuilt, and I’m often asked how this can happen.

Well, in order for trust to be revived in a healthy way, within a relationship, several things need to happen. First and foremost, the person who violated the trust must acknowledge the reality of the situation. They must validate the experience that they created for their partner. They must own their stuff if there’s to be any chance of moving forward. This critical step can be really hard for some people. Once their ego starts telling them that they were somehow justified, or that their partner is overreacting, or that they can actually convince the victim that the violation never even occurred, it becomes really hard to be humble enough to accept and acknowledge their faults.

Narcissists are notorious for trying to convince someone that something that actually occurred, never occurred. I saw you do that, No you didn’t’! Yes I did. No you didn’t! They believe that if they say it loud enough, long enough, and convincingly enough, others will eventually let them rewrite reality. And what’s even more amazing is that this can actually work. Narcissists can cause sane individuals to question their sanity. Don’t worry, we’ll talk more about narcissists in the future. For now, just think of a narcissist’s behavior as the exact opposite of what you’d want to do as a part of healthy conflict resolution. 

Once the offence has been sufficiently owned, there must be a heartfelt commitment to not engage in the same behavior again. You must convince your partner that you do understand the value of trust and that you respect them enough to tell them the truth, no matter what. And this is where the responsibility shifts to the person whose trust was violated. If you have decided that the relationship holds greater value, than the violation, then it’s time to work on forgiveness. What often happens is an incomplete acceptance of apology. It’s an acceptance that leaves behind resentments. Those resentments then become the lens through which future behaviors are seen, and therefore can be toxic moving forward. You have every right to not forgive when someone violates your trust, but if you do choose to forgive, and really want to be able to move forward in a healthy way, you must detach your emotions from those events that have occurred, and accept that you have valued the relationship as greater than whatever thing you’re trying to let go. One strategy that can help us with letting things go is to write out our resentments, allow ourselves to feel them one last time, and then, with the help of some symbolic gesture, we let those resentments go. Forgiveness does not excuse bad behavior. Forgiveness does not say that what some did was not wrong, or that you wouldn’t be justified to carry the grudge. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves so that we can move forward in life without being tethered to negative emotions from painful experiences. Forgiveness is a choice, and in relationships, resentments are toxic so if the goal is to have a healthy relationship, resentments must be released. So again, if you’ve come to the conclusion that the relationship has more value than the violation, work on letting your resentments go.

As this is happening, the partner who broke the trust has the challenge of rebuilding that trust. By this time, responsibility has been accepted, experiences have been validated, changes have been mapped out and committed to, and both people want the relationship to move forward in healthy ways. So how does one rebuild trust? Transparency, vulnerability, and consistency. There is very little room in relationships for secrecy. While we all likely have some skeletons in our closets and may not have shared all the things with our partner, part of being in a healthy relationship is getting to know your partner completely, and letting them know you, completely, and loving and accepting each other completely in spite of everything you learn. If you have violated your partner’s trust, you will need to be completely transparent moving forward so that your partner can feel emotionally safe allowing you back into their inner circle. This may mean that you have to be even more transparent for a period of time than you think is reasonable. The extent to which this applies depends on the seriousness of the violation. How badly did you violate your partner’s trust? I’ve seen people get offended after a violation that their partner wants confirmation of the things they are telling them. I’ve even heard people say that making me be so transparent is just going to make me do it again. What a load of crap! Those are the words of someone trying to leave room for future indiscretions, in my opinion.

But assuming your person isn’t laying that load on you, as they allow more transparency, and do so in a non-defensive consistent way, the seeds of trust slowly start to sprout again. One thing that serves as food and water for those seeds is vulnerability. Willingness to trust your partner with your stuff, your feelings, your fears, your desires, conveys to them that they are trusted. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable can be scary but taking that risk will hopefully open up the space for your partner to trust you again. Transparency and consistency are both really important but the vulnerability piece is critical to the rejuvenation of trust. When we are trusted by others, we are more likely to trust them. So, if you want your partner to trust you more, trust them more. Show them who you really are and trust that they will accept you and love you in spite of, or perhaps even because of what you believe to be your faults.

Relationships are complex and it feels seriously challenging to break them down to podcast episodes but I hope I’ve done a good job of beginning the conversation about this most intimate and important part of our lives. And I do mean just beginning because there is so much more to talk about around relationships. Our next session will focus more on understanding what types of relationships work best for us and why. We’ll talk about how to find them and how to keep them healthy once we do. 

Thank you for joining me for another session of almost therapy at the B Spot. Just a reminder, if you are experiencing anything that you’d like some feedback on, or help processing, you can reach me at bhellercounseling@gmail, and I will respond. If you have found anything that I’ve said to be helpful, and you think it might be helpful to anyone else, pass these sessions along to celebrate the highs and lows of being human and the peace of mind that comes from knowing that you are not alone. Until our next session, be well.