Marketing & Mayhem
Hype Girls, Separation Anxiety & Lack of Control
Get ready to “have the time of your life” this week (yes, we’re alluding to the reel). We take an episode to catch up with Christina Smalley (THE Christina, our first ever guest and licensed family therapist), sharing all the hilarious and heartfelt moments from Raebecca’s daughter's 9th birthday to the nerves around Amy's upcoming Muay Thai fight. From the chaos of transitioning from summer break to our comical resistance to seeing the doctor over a nasty case of pink eye, this episode is packed with relatable summer struggles and plenty of laughs.
We also take a deep dive into the art of balancing personal fulfillment with parental responsibilities. Filling your cup? Or just over filling your time? Are we accidentally contributing to our own overwhelm? Where do we drawn the line as parents, and participation. And when do need to check ourselves - and the example we are setting for our children - from family dynamics to the dynamics of friendship … who else will set their expectations for how these exist in adulthood? Christina helps us unpack how, prioritizing our needs can positively influence our children, teaching them the value of self-care and passion.
After a silly intermission where we tackle gender roles and trimming bushes (no, not another body hair removal chat)- gas leaks and snakes - we jump into a deep conversation about boundaries. Who they protect - and when to know when one was very much needed. Hint: if there’s drama … well, where there’s smoke, there’s fire. A candid conversation about current relationships, recent boundaries, and the reactions we’ve have to face after. Christina guides us through what reactions we’re responsible for, and which ones we are not.
Todays guest -
Christina Smalley, Licensed Family Therapist
Perinatal Mental Health Advocate
For more mayhem, be sure to follow us:
Insta @marketingandmayhem
YouTube @MarketingMayhemPod
And don't forget to leave us a 5 star review! Or message us to deep dive into your topic or just give us feedback!
Hosted by @raebecca.miller and @jennyfromthe843
Get ready to “have the time of your life” this week (yes, we’re alluding to the reel). We take an episode to catch up with Christina Smalley (THE Christina, our first ever guest and licensed family therapist), sharing all the hilarious and heartfelt moments from Raebecca’s daughter's 9th birthday to the nerves around Amy's upcoming Muay Thai fight. From the chaos of transitioning from summer break to our comical resistance to seeing the doctor over a nasty case of pink eye, this episode is packed with relatable summer struggles and plenty of laughs.
We also take a deep dive into the art of balancing personal fulfillment with parental responsibilities. Filling your cup? Or just over filling your time? Are we accidentally contributing to our own overwhelm? Where do we drawn the line as parents, and participation. And when do need to check ourselves - and the example we are setting for our children - from family dynamics to the dynamics of friendship … who else will set their expectations for how these exist in adulthood? Christina helps us unpack how, prioritizing our needs can positively influence our children, teaching them the value of self-care and passion.
After a silly intermission where we tackle gender roles and trimming bushes (no, not another body hair removal chat)- gas leaks and snakes - we jump into a deep conversation about boundaries. Who they protect - and when to know when one was very much needed. Hint: if there’s drama … well, where there’s smoke, there’s fire. A candid conversation about current relationships, recent boundaries, and the reactions we’ve have to face after. Christina guides us through what reactions we’re responsible for, and which ones we are not.
Todays guest -
Christina Smalley, Licensed Family Therapist
Perinatal Mental Health Advocate
For more mayhem, be sure to follow us:
Insta @marketingandmayhem
YouTube @MarketingMayhemPod
And don't forget to leave us a 5 star review! Or message us to deep dive into your topic or just give us feedback!
Hosted by @raebecca.miller and @jennyfromthe843
Oh my gosh, you guys we're back, hi, and we have someone with us. Hello, someone special. A second time guest, Christina Smalley, welcome back.
Speaker 1:Welcome back.
Speaker 3:Thanks for having me.
Speaker 1:The people have spoken. They wanted you back.
Speaker 2:The people have spoken and we were nervous because you said next time you were going to make us cry. And then we talked about it this weekend. The three of us and I drew the short straw.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and it really lined up nicely.
Speaker 2:No, I know we teed it up perfect, because I'm actually already having like kind of an emotional day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, of course. In the field.
Speaker 2:Well, so today is my daughter's, my oldest daughter's, ninth birthday, which, by the way, is real wild.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it is, and I thought I was thinking about that on my drive in today. I was like oh Becca's primed to just waterworks.
Speaker 2:Waterworks for sure. Yes and so. And then also we're taking the Mayhem crew on the road this weekend because my friend Amy Muay Thai. Amy is fighting, and you know I, like, am such a champion for my friends, but there's the part of me that's like so nervous.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, it's stressful, dude, I'm telling you, when it's somebody that you love, that's what I mean. It's really stressful.
Speaker 2:So I have that where I'm like yes, amy, get them. And then I'm like oh, my God.
Speaker 1:And we're taking Nate.
Speaker 2:So that's going to be even more fun cruise. It's gonna be so much fun.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's perfect. I just liked it.
Speaker 2:I literally just cried on saturday at brooks and dunn. Yeah, of course. Why? Well, because okay, so do. Are there beers involved? No, no, I knew I was going to, because there's a brooks and Dunn song that I literally like when I hear Cowgirls Don't Cry, and maybe it's just like the season I'm in and like all the stuff that that song talks about, but I cannot get a grip any time that I hear it. So I had already warned Sandra, so for me it was like I definitely am going to cry when I hear cowgirls don't cry. However, I have a bruise that actually has a knot inside of it. It is so big on the back of my leg and I have no idea where it came from.
Speaker 3:That tells me you had a great time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but it's on the back of me. It's like a Nancy Kerrigan situation.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like were you in the mosh pit. No.
Speaker 2:And I didn't wander. I didn't like wander off, I didn't fall and it actually has its own like hard part in the middle. It's so big. I love this and I feel like I did a really good job because I wasn't even hung over when I woke up. I did like somewhere between it was so hot Saturday, I think I just was like sweating as I was consuming and I survived it was miserable.
Speaker 2:Hot this weekend, oh I was soaked, I would have been worried about having like ass sweat. Except I was completely soaked, and so there was no way for you to decipher which part of me I was so glad it wasn't like a date. I was soaked, everybody was soaked.
Speaker 3:Well, so you're in good company.
Speaker 2:It was great, though I felt like everyone from like Somerville and all and all, and there were so many like cut off t-shirts and work boots. It was so good.
Speaker 3:It's going to be hot as Hades here today. I'm actually wearing shorts to work, which is unheard of. Look at you. That's comfy. How hot is it? It's going to be like 90 something today.
Speaker 2:Dang.
Speaker 3:I know In upstate New York Come on, I know the school is like, please send your children and almost no clothes and 13 water bottles.
Speaker 2:Wait, your kids are still in school.
Speaker 3:Yeah, this is our last week. What yeah?
Speaker 2:Shoot All right. Wow, I'm so glad we asked you to record this week. Then that's a very. We did not think that through in that. No, not at all, dang dude, enjoy it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean, but you know, like the jump from school to summer is actually more wild than just like keeping the school rolling.
Speaker 1:Do you see us right now? I mean, I look like I've been living under a rock.
Speaker 2:I mean, yeah, the last two weeks have put me through it.
Speaker 1:And we're. We have this sickness going around my family, which is why I sound semi-lectone-loke right now. It's like two weeks Clark had it and you know his mom's like I mean, she coughs in my mouth. It is inevitable, it's so direct. So it went, I mean y'all. I went like eight days and did not get it and I was like you know, I got cocky, I got real cocky. I was like, oh, I'm golden. No, oh no, I sound horrible. It's. I'm on day like six of it, and now I woke up this morning I have freaking pink eye too. So I'm like batting a thousand over here. I'm like, yeah, I love summer break, love summer break. And then I don't believe in going to the doctor because I'm stubborn and I'm that person.
Speaker 2:I'm like.
Speaker 1:I'm just like, I'm just going to pretend like I'm not sick, and then I won't be sick. It's like mind over matter.
Speaker 3:No, for sure, that's the only way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I'm like Becca's, like you need to go to the doctor If I can drink.
Speaker 3:I can drink 14 waters.
Speaker 2:I selfishly want you to go. I selfishly want you to go because I'm worried about Saturday and we were going to have the best time.
Speaker 1:I will be there with bells on, don't you worry, don't you worry.
Speaker 2:It's in the recording. I might be oozing from my left eye, but I will be there. Did you see my picture yesterday of one of my outfits arrived?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I don't know why you're surprised. Like you said, you wanted Vegas slutty.
Speaker 2:There is not even a dish sponge worth of like. There's no way. There's just no way.
Speaker 3:Are you trying to come home with a husband?
Speaker 2:there's just no way. Are you trying to come home with a husband, maybe in vegas, where I don't know anyone, but in downtown charleston, in the smallest town in america, basically because everybody knows everybody, this one is not gonna fly. I opened the package. I thought I just had a different vision that.
Speaker 1:That's Amazon for you, baby.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was from China. They are made small.
Speaker 1:For sure they are. Yeah, they like tiny things.
Speaker 2:This isn't small. This is like there's nothing and it's like the third naked outfit I bought on accident in the last like three months. I don't know what is happening. I love it.
Speaker 2:One was a dress from cup she and I didn't realize that, like the parts that were black were belonged to like a separate swimsuit their bathing suits are hoochie I know well, I just wanted the cover because it had, like this whole, like stevie nicks, taylor, swift vibe and I was, oh, this dress is so fun, I could do something with this. It's sheer, completely sheer.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Like I feel like like I did like a huge order and I ordered a bunch of stuff for my last family vacation, my nipples hanging out like of every bathing suit. I'm like I don't mind doing that at home, Cause I mean, you know, they've seen it you have your own pool. But like my nieces and nephews, I'm like no, no, no, nipple's not invited to the family vacay and y'all legit nipple. I mean I'm not exaggerating, it was like they are way too. They're not for us busty gals.
Speaker 2:No, I I a 100% agree that cup sheet doesn't really usually vibe for me 100% agree.
Speaker 1:That cup sheet doesn't really usually vibe for me. So, christina, let me tell you what we were thinking and why. One of the things that the moms and the listeners asked for. So you know, I just got back from Italy. I did my YOLO trip. Yes, and a lot of people said I would love to do that, but I am terrified to travel ever since I had kids. So help us overcome that, because I mean, I am too honestly just right now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just, I mean you've got like 45 minutes, so let's just go ahead and bang it out. Um, I am too honestly, just right now. Yeah, I mean, you've got like 45 minutes, so let's just go ahead and bang it out. I am too, but I'm just kind of in the I mean I can't stop it Right, I can't control it. Whatever happens to me is going to happen to me. I'm not trying to play Russian roulette, but you know, I've got to live my life.
Speaker 3:So yeah, Did you feel anxiety before you left or were you like bye?
Speaker 2:Oh no, a hundred percent Like you think it's travel anxiety, though, or it's separation anxiety? No, it's travel anxiety Seriously, I don't know, though, because, like, I have the travel anxiety too, but, like, I'm in a place in my life where I have to be even like a mile away for certain periods of time, and so the what I thought was travel anxiety actually still feels very similar to any sort of like separation, where somebody else is responsible for their care. Well, that's it, I'm not afraid to fly.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's the loss of control. Is that what it is? Absolutely. That's what anxiety is in general. Right, it's like I can't control it. So if I worry about it enough, I feel like I'm controlling it because I'm thinking about it but you're not actually doing anything, right You're? Just making yourself wild.
Speaker 2:Well and like traveling is very out of control in general, but so is the situation that I'm in. I really have to, like you know, somebody else is completely responsible for them and this isn't like I can cook the meals or I can leave the list. But like I remember it was worse with Summit, when I like first had her I was so scared of even like a neighbor, like holding her, like I was very uncomfortable with any sort of like separation.
Speaker 3:Yeah Well, if you think about it, you feel like if I'm there, I can control everything and so everything will be fine, even though you logically know that's not how it works.
Speaker 1:So if I'm not there. We're really good at controlling. I know Facts If I'm not there, the things that I leave for my family would tell otherwise.
Speaker 3:Well and then if you've ever had an experience where you've left and something has gone wrong, it's confirms for you that nobody else can do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, why is that?
Speaker 3:So you're literally validating the part where, like when something does go wrong, they are going to do not the way I would have done it and we're going to be annoyed, but most of the time, if you really dig into that though, like it's still fine, like, do you remember when Greg and I took our first vacation away from the kids?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And Greg's mom and dad watched our kids.
Speaker 2:My mom yeah.
Speaker 3:So I cleaned this house. When I tell you, I cleaned this house, like, like you're going to die when you top to bottom and cause I knew, I knew Cindy Smalley was going to come over to our house and she was going to not relax and try to clean something. So she broke her arm cleaning our bathroom while we're in Key West.
Speaker 1:No oh my God, but I'm the same way I frantically clean when Clark was a baby y'all, I'm embarrassed to even admit this. I would do stacks of her clothing with the day of the week on them. So make her in the clothing, because one time he sent her to school in pajamas and I was like mortified and so I like started making like stacks of clothing like Monday, tuesday, wednesday.
Speaker 3:Thursday there's the control.
Speaker 1:What's the worst?
Speaker 3:thing that's going to happen. She went to school in her pajamas.
Speaker 1:I don't know Like I don't know why I'm such a weirdo about it, but yeah, I think a lot of like women, specifically moms, are like this. I was not like this when I had a child. I was just like whatever, let's go, I'll do.
Speaker 3:What did you have to worry?
Speaker 1:about Right, and now it's like I'm terrified.
Speaker 2:Yes. So the best part of that the vacation story is that my mom not only did my mom not need to be doing what she was doing Because this woman does way too much and I feel very comfortable saying that Just the amount of things that she does for the amount of people that she does, it's just too much and it creates these distractions but she also basically asked everyone, not because she listens so I'm going to say to lie, but I'm not trying to make you mad, mom she asked everyone to fail to mention and that went on for like two or three days.
Speaker 2:No it was definitely like a day Before she got busted hard by a little person who obviously is not going to be able to lie or fail to mention that she can't do anything now at all zero help. And then she's crushed because she has all these crafts and things planned to do and I'm like all because she wanted to help clean their shower oh my gosh and she was alone with them yeah.
Speaker 3:So I knew something was up when, like my, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law had our kids and I was like huh, that's curious. And then we facetimed, the kids were laying on the beach and I knew something was awry and so I dragged it out of my sister-in-law and I was like what's going on? I was like I don't care, I'm not mad, I just need to know, because now I'm freaking out, so we find out. And I was immediately said to myself I'm not flying home, I'm laying on a beach, you know. And it was fine.
Speaker 3:Like thankfully, we had, like obviously, like my father in law, and then we had my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, so it was all fine and everyone like rallied to help. So I guess the moral of that story is like shit went wrong, but it actually was fine, right, and so, like we enjoyed our time. We came back and I said, even though mom broke her arm, we still had a great time, this kid still survived, and I will for sure do this again at some point. You know, we sometimes just think like one tiny thing is going to wreck it and it really just doesn't.
Speaker 2:But also I feel like the other side of this story is like sometimes we do too much, yeah, like I'm not saying that my mom is definitely the example of this, but like there is a part of me and you're going to laugh.
Speaker 3:I know I can't wait to hear you say this.
Speaker 2:I am so I'm actively working.
Speaker 1:I'm not doing. You know, it's funny. When she said told that story, I was like why does that sound like something becca would do? Because she is the same. I mean, I'm like if I asked her to come watch clark, I guarantee you this house would be a lot cleaner, which, when I came, like you could eat all for her floor in her place.
Speaker 3:Oh, for sure.
Speaker 2:But also it does help me when I see that and I'm like, okay, I don't know, I'm being really thoughtful about, basically, things that impact my kids. So, like pirates, right, I do a lot for the swim team. I like doing a lot for the swim team. That actually gives me something back. But the things lately that don't like, I cannot tell you.
Speaker 2:Now the peer pressure has started again for PTA. It's a no for me. I will be there for the color run, got you? That's my spot, that's where I fit for support. No, I will not be on the board for the color run. No, I will not be on the PTA, can't do it. It does not bring me joy, it doesn't fulfill me, it doesn't fill my cup. It's a no for me and I'm doing a better job like saying yes and no to some of those things.
Speaker 2:Um, I I just don't feel the need necessarily to like a, be a part of, even like the pressure where some of the moms watch their girls do gymnastics every practice, the full practice. I used to feel that I definitely could feel that because a lot of them are there and they'll text you and be like pilot. Got her run off a handspring and I'm like you know. There's a moment where you feel kind of bad that you're not there. But I know her coaches really well. I'll get a picture or a video if I need to. It's better for me to walk away, do my work, go on a long walk and be ready to get her when she's three hours off the mats and she needs me to be the mom, not the coach, because that's not my job.
Speaker 3:Well, and why is it an expectation that, the minute that we're done working for the day, that we're now just chauffeuring everyone around and doing everything for everyone else?
Speaker 2:Yes, can we talk about that? Because, like the taking time for our, I actually had a really hard time with the Brooks Dunn concert. The one thing I wrestled with was that's a Saturday where I will have the girls and I have not had a babysitter for them in six months at all. I've been doing it myself. And I was like, okay, it's only one night, we only have one option. How am I going to feel if I miss this? And then they were like we really, really, really, really want to hang out with the I'm not even going to say her name, but our babysitter, and I was like, why am I? Why is this hard to do? Because this actually would be very fulfilling for me. I went with a really good friend, my walking friend, sandra. We had the best time. It was good for it to happen, for sure, but I've thought way too long about actually taking time for myself.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and some of that goes back to control too right, but also we feel like we're the only ones that can give them everything they need, which is silly.
Speaker 2:It's kind of a bad example for them also, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I definitely feel like I'm getting over that. Like I feel like you know, I think, especially you know, clark's nine and a half, I think she's at an age where she understands relationships and she starts to understand the dynamic between people and things. And you know, I want her to see I mean truthfully, that's one of the reasons I went to Italy, because I want her to see one, that you need to do things that are kind of uncomfortable for you. Two, it's important to have friends right. And three, that you need to be willing to, you know, kind of step outside your comfort zone and take some time for yourself, even though she knows that I don't do that.
Speaker 1:And it's funny, my husband actually just got back last night from a guy's weekend. He has not done that in 10 years. Look at you guys and do you know that she missed him more than I think she missed me when I was in Italy and I almost am like it kind of bummed me out for a minute. But then I'm like you know what? I think she's gotten used to me taking the time for myself, like I've done work trips and things like that, so she's kind of used to it, but Nate never does it, so she's like oh, this is weird him not being here. But anyway, long story short, never does it, so she's like oh, this is weird him not being here, but anyway, I love that you did that I know, I know.
Speaker 1:So he anyway, poor nate, he went out with five, five of his friends. Yeah, they went to maine y'all. He stayed out until like one and three o'clock in the morning. He looks like he'd been hit by a mac truck when he came home yesterday. I I'm like you are almost 50 years old, what are you doing? I mean, it was just anyway.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was so important about that is our kids. Their example of what it means to be a person is looking at us Right and if and I. The thing that's really helped me is to say what do I want my kids to see about parenthood Right? Do I want them to see that I have to be a martyr and I have to give up my whole life and it's right All of that? Or do I want my kids to say I am a parent and Right?
Speaker 3:And all the other pieces of myself Right, right, and all the other pieces of myself Right. And that's a really hard transition for me. That I've been really working on is like taking time away from my kids and not having to feel guilty about it and saying like I'm a person outside of being a mom, because I am and I should be and I want my kids especially. I mean my son too, but like especially my girls like I want what they what I want them to see about being a mom is that it's not only one thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and you guys we've talked about that even with the marketing company and even with the podcast like I think they were both very good journeys to just even start, because the way that the girls view both, I mean there's like an awful lot of like pride and there's a lot of like even like oh, did you make that? Oh, is that like what are you guys working on? And of course it's like very abstract for them. But I'll say, you know, there's been weeks where we go to multiple events actually and I'll be like hey, like I'll, you know, call them early and say I can't call you right before bedtime tonight because Jenny and I have an event and they're like Ooh, I know the cutest thing ever, Like they really are our biggest cheerleaders and it's, it's, it's awesome.
Speaker 2:That might make me tear up yeah, no, it is, it's. I'm really proud of it, cause I just feel like they like this is very much. It's not, and you have it too Like it's. It's different than going in and out of like your nine to five. Like this one, they can tell whether it's just the way we talk about it or the way we phrase it, but and they know that it's our business, but I don't think that's that's still an abstract concept for a kid to understand.
Speaker 2:I have to imagine that it's the way that we talk about it and the light that we give it that they can already sense that that's something that's a little bit more special and they treat it as such too. You know they talk about our brand colors. Make these pictures. They're always writing on my whiteboard behind me. I have this whole like. I mean it literally is like BFF luck slay. And like Kyla wrote all these little like isms for me for like my hype, she's like good luck, oh my God, so cool. You know like she's like put this on your board for when you need inspiration. And I'm like, yeah, always need inspiration please.
Speaker 3:I love the little hype team.
Speaker 2:It's so great it cracks me up and they're so curious about it. I love the little hype team. It's so great, it cracks me up and they're so curious about it. I mean it's I don't know, it's just fun.
Speaker 3:Well, it's so beautiful to show your kids, too, like that. There's something I'm so passionate about that I'm willing to like risk a lot to make it happen.
Speaker 2:And even just to work. I mean, I'm not, I'm not getting on. This has nothing to do with moms who don't work, because I feel like sometimes the talking about moms who work creates this like two-sided, almost like conversation, like, oh, but what about the ones that you know don't? I'm like, hey, that's not the same thing. I'm literally just saying I'm proud to be able to show them that you're allowed to do that and enjoy it. And like hard work doesn't necessarily mean that like it's not something that you enjoy, it's okay to like working hard, whether it's sports or actually. Pilot had this thing the other day summit didn't want to go to gymnastics. It's hard Cause it's like the middle of the afternoon and they transition, and someone was like in a mood about it and Pat's like you probably haven't figured this out yet, but usually the days that you don't want to go are the days that you get a new skill that you've been working on, so you just need to show up.
Speaker 2:whoa wisdom, mom, number two over here I know all right pilot and then we get there and someone had the best day and then pilot got in trouble and I was like I'm praying, I'm like so praying that this car ride home isn't like a disaster. But it ended up being fine. It was for talking too much.
Speaker 3:Well, that happens on occasion.
Speaker 1:I don't know where it's at from.
Speaker 3:I know it's impossible to figure that out, but I'm proud of them for not being afraid to like work hard.
Speaker 2:I mean, I don't know how else I hear so many people talk about no one wants to work, no one knows how to work hard. It's kind of like this conversation like oh, where's the village? What example are you showing them?
Speaker 3:Also, does it have to be this all or nothing mentality?
Speaker 1:right.
Speaker 3:Or are we getting a little bit more right by saying I'm working hard for the things that are important to me and I'm also resting so that I can continue to work hard for the things that are important to me and I'm also resting so that I can continue?
Speaker 2:to work hard for the things that are important to me. I'm working on the resting thing, Tina. I rested yesterday, Did you? Yeah, I really did. I kind of just like hung out for that. I had a brunch with a friend that I actually don't know very well and it was great after I dropped the girls off, but then I was like I'm just going to be a little bit still. I love this. The last week has been so grueling and I feel like I say that a lot. That seems to be my pattern, right when I have the girls. It makes sense. We just do a lot. And then we had birthdays and Father's Day prep and all the things. I was like we got to take it down a notch. I'm not going to survive if we keep this pace all the time. So I actually like setting time aside for it and I got blackout curtains for my bedroom.
Speaker 1:Oh, they're the best. I am team blackout curtain all day.
Speaker 2:And I had them before. I don't know why it didn't occur to me, but the sunlight's so bright in the morning. You know, it was like you gotta reprioritize, like cause I'm not a great ruster as someone who sleeps over at your place. I'm really happy to hear that you got blackout curtains. You should have just told me I like had to put the curtain. I don't have like a drill or anything, so I had to hand screw in all the screws for the curtain. I was like I'm going to be here forever.
Speaker 3:I'm going to tell your brother you don't have a drill. He's going to send you one.
Speaker 2:I mean, I don't. I'm sure there's like one laying around somewhere at my dad's, but there's like zero. Somebody's like grab your tools.
Speaker 1:I was like yes, I will. What are you talking about? I was like the first thing my dad gave me. When I like got, my first place was like a toolbox full of stuff.
Speaker 2:I'm like, hey, thanks. I think my dad was kind of hoping that he already raised a firstborn daughter with two boys. I think he was kind of hoping that he already raised a firstborn daughter with two boys. I think he was kind of hoping that I would like not feel this constant need to do everything, because they already did a lot of that, even in our house. Um, that's just not how life worked out.
Speaker 1:Epic fail yeah I mean I've seen you do like this weekend, with nate being gone, I'm like how this grass really needs cut and so I said something to him yesterday. He's like you don't even know how to like get in the shed to get the lawnmower. I'm like no, I really don't.
Speaker 1:I'm like passenger princess in my own house, like yeah, I need to do I don't want to know about the mower I don't even want to know, but I mean I I don't even want to know, but I mean I won't even turn on the hose because it's so snaky over there and I'm terrified of snakes, which we know, and so I make Clark go into it True story True story Well to be fair, the snakes that y'all have down there are not the same.
Speaker 3:Poisonous, I can't even talk about snakes, like my kids pick up the snakes at our house Like they're friends.
Speaker 2:Yours are safe snakes. You got safety snakes. We got a lot of snakes.
Speaker 1:Yep, nope, I'm like Clark, go over there and turn the hose on.
Speaker 3:True story. I like that you sent her. You're like I'm not doing it.
Speaker 2:I'm not doing it, though like I I didn't. The two things I've never done. Um both my dad's fault. Actually, father's day, happy father's day. Um the one thing I've never done I've never cut the lawn, but we had a riding mower and we all know how I got.
Speaker 2:I love hidden grass, it's like, absolutely not like, boo, no that's like a like happy place though something well, so I was a big but in our house I did all of like the landscaping and the bush trimming and like all of. Oh yeah, I'm an artist, Make a bush look beautiful.
Speaker 1:That's very impressive.
Speaker 3:I can't even.
Speaker 1:I feel like there's a joke there, but I'm just going to leave it be.
Speaker 3:I literally am not saying, words, I mean.
Speaker 2:I love that you think there's a joke when I just saw Rebecca and got waxed on Friday. So I'm talking about real.
Speaker 1:I'm going Wednesday.
Speaker 2:I personally don't keep a bush, so that how you see, yeah, but outside I live for it. I actually have a. I have a funny selfie of me like trimming the. I'm going to send it. We'll post it on Mayhem Cause I, like was really proud of my landscaping because I a lot of people by us have, like people who come and do it, not me yeah, like most people do yeah, and they have cleaning ladies.
Speaker 2:I also am like one of the few people in Mount Pleasant that I'm her. You know it's fine, you can do your thing, but I was her girl.
Speaker 1:You know, I have a cleaning lady. I know, and I suck at it, I mean listen no, I'm just saying, I'm just saying like.
Speaker 2:So I was also like you add these up in the list of jobs and it gets crippling really fast. But the other thing that I don't know how to do is grill. My dad would never let me like any kind of gas. He's like boo.
Speaker 1:No no, I had charcoal when I was single, like I had like a charcoal grill I didn't grow up on charcoal so I don't know like I would like build a little mountain of charcoal.
Speaker 3:I loved it I look at you. You're like a professional.
Speaker 1:I know I was single for a really long time, so I love steak and so I had to figure it out love steak.
Speaker 2:So there's a fire pit here and one night obviously it had some vino. I went down. I was like surely I can figure out a gas fire pit. I fussed with it so long I was like I'm probably gonna blow this whole place up.
Speaker 1:I just gotta. Yeah, I was gonna say I feel very fairly certain that you could not figure that out.
Speaker 2:I'm concerned that you did that because that's like I mean, gas is I did it like a few months ago, though, and people have used it since and no one died so, but I started I.
Speaker 2:After a little bit, my confidence wore off and I was like I should leave I yeah, there's just like propane pumping out yeah, no, I don't, I don't like this I'm afraid I don't like this for you, but I did get a new air fryer. That's like an indoor grill and air fryer, so I've got like a. I grilled chicken on it. Last night. I made chicken spinach, jalapeno enchiladas and they were really good. Oh, look at you, that's impressive. I know Well, don't say it too loud, because I forgot for a second that I was pretending I don't know how to cook. Oh, okay, jenny told me that in my single life I need to start pretending like I can't do some of these skills. Why? Because I do them too much for everybody and it keeps.
Speaker 3:Oh, well, that's yeah, you just need to just say no, or just do everything for everybody, when we.
Speaker 2:When I made the chicken piccata, she was like to be clear, you don't know how to cook, Okay, and I was like yes, yes, Baby, she's a baby. That episode still hasn't aired. I'd be curious to see what Christina thinks about that, Cause. That's in the um, that is in the long lost. Uh, it's in the vault. It's in the vault. We found our hard line.
Speaker 1:We found a hard line yeah.
Speaker 3:Oh, send it to me first.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you'll appreciate it, but like Send it to me first.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you'll appreciate it. But like, yeah, speaking of send it to you, we need to touch on this because I have at least 12 messages about the peer pressure, but the real that exists, that we haven't posted yet.
Speaker 1:We made for you, for me, it was for you.
Speaker 3:A hundred percent for you. Your dancing, Jenny, felt very much for me. I felt like you were staring into my eyes at one point.
Speaker 1:I think we might have been. I definitely was. It was just for you.
Speaker 2:The best part is when I intro it and it's like the dirty dancing song. I've had the time of my life and I'm like I'm going to be the boy, she's going to be the girl, and we did not follow that rule.
Speaker 1:No, you did not, because it's like one of my favorite songs ever. I cannot not sing the words.
Speaker 2:How compatible were we. Every time one of us went in, the other ones switched off. I know.
Speaker 3:It was as perfect amount to make it look phenomenal.
Speaker 2:We literally were like we were sitting there talking about what karaoke song you and I are going to do. And then Jenny loves karaoke, so I was like she's going to come up with it.
Speaker 1:I love karaoke.
Speaker 2:So as soon as we started the music playing, I was like oh my gosh, this is it, we should like try it on. And so we start recording on that song.
Speaker 1:Right, I mean, it's what you cannot not dance.
Speaker 2:That song is just like fire, like you've got to dance while you sing well, the weird part is that this campground that we're going to in Alpine Lake in New York upstate New York has this log and we joked all last year.
Speaker 3:We did, I almost biffed it off that log.
Speaker 2:We spent so much time doing the dirty dancing log walk on this log so there is actually potential for Tina and I to make another dirty dancing video for you. The log is right on the side of the road. It's massive. It is the full. We spent all week trying to tiptoe down this log in dirty dancing style together.
Speaker 1:Okay, mimic the outfit with the white jeans.
Speaker 3:Oh, white jeans. Did she wear white jeans?
Speaker 1:I'm pretty sure she does.
Speaker 2:but that's okay, go ahead. No, I'm just this Alpine Lake situation has a very. It's definitely on the water. It's got its own dirty dancing not polka dots, but vibe.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's a good vibe.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'm going to need yep, she's definitely wearing white pants. We'll put the picture in, but the other one has to be an all black, like Patrick's weight. That's me. I'm the boy.
Speaker 2:Because what we really should do. What muscle group do I have to hit really hard between now and the end of July to lift Christina over my head, because I've worked on this quite a few times.
Speaker 3:Lats, lats, how's my back, shoulders, shoulders, lats and shoulders.
Speaker 2:Great, got this. So some pull-downs and some presses god I love a lap pull-down I don't maybe like a push-up something about a lap pull-down, though I freaking, nothing makes me feel stronger than when I'm like 100 pounds bitch and then you're like tucked under that little seat. So the baby in me is like I'm under the little seat. And then you get the long stretch at the end and you're like, oh God, this feels good. I love a lap pull down, yeah All right, you can also press the last.
Speaker 3:Okay, well, okay, maybe, okay, maybe we lift the girls. We have been doing some working out since OBX, so I feel much more confident in us now.
Speaker 2:Well, I actually was. I feel like when I was walking into OBX I was pretty solid. I don't know if I've been working quite so hard, but I also think we could probably lift the girls. That might be where we start. I could definitely lift LCM.
Speaker 1:You need the core strength to, like you know, to get the legs up and to keep everything tight.
Speaker 3:That's the problem the core is ruined.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can get her pretty high, but I just can't get her over my head, okay.
Speaker 3:We'll just use LCN A solid 35 pounds.
Speaker 2:God, she's so mean though.
Speaker 3:She is mean Is this your daughter. Yeah, she is the meanest.
Speaker 2:She is an amazing soul and so beautiful. So I'm like half joking but she has like there is some mafia deep in that kid's soul. That is just like. I mean, she's the one that I have all the cute little pictures with where she's like smiling or whatever, but if she's not having it she's not having it.
Speaker 3:One day I dropped her off at daycare, which just so we're very clear, like we spent two years crying every day at daycare drop off. And recently, when I was dropping her off, she goes bah, I don't like you and I go, excuse you, she's like feisty, what she I was like I give you everything, what do you mean?
Speaker 2:she's a big boundary tester yeah I'm like one of the few people that doesn't like really budge as much with her, and so then she gets like really mad at me and then, like later, she like needs me to refeed her soul. I'm like Elsie, I love you. That was really neat. You scared me.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and Becca comes down, she'll be like I love you, guys, but get the hell away from me.
Speaker 2:Boundaries, people, boundaries. I was like it's been a really interesting year for me, so I actually need you to stop doing that. The best part is like kids just look at you like you're nutty when you say stuff like that, and then they stop. They're usually like that sounds scary, yikes.
Speaker 3:I can't help it. I feel like Rowan might be really into it, into the lift.
Speaker 2:We could probably get her to do it. I feel like I could definitely toss Rory up. She's nice and light.
Speaker 3:Yeah, she's like a solid 50. You could definitely do 50.
Speaker 2:Dang. All right, do you weigh your kids?
Speaker 3:I mean just like they've been at the doctor some point in the last year.
Speaker 2:Both of mine. I am overdue on well visits for.
Speaker 3:So like I couldn't tell you their actual poundage, I'm just rounding.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, no, I really need to actually do some well visits it's on my list. I just don't like our pediatrician that much.
Speaker 1:I don't like any of them.
Speaker 2:I know I feel that way. I don't. I feel like I have a lot of loyalty to my hormone person and my OBGYN and then everyone else can kind of like fill in the cracks if we get there. Yeah, I love my hormone person you do like her.
Speaker 1:Was that the dog or your stomach?
Speaker 2:That's no, that's the dog. I haven't eaten yet, but I'm going to eat some more chicken enchiladas in a minute, so I'm going to. Just that's a really loud growl. You know what? She goes through the same transition that I go through with the girls, where they're here and then they're not, and so, because she is bonkers, it takes a few days for her to like settle in. Like the first day she's really tired and she'll sleep a lot, and then she's in and out of their room and I'm like you're stressing me out.
Speaker 2:And then when?
Speaker 3:they leave, she's like, wow, this has been a week.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And then they come back and she's like oh my God, here you are, and like this, this dog lives in the Twilight universe. It's already bad I mean forever, I know, but it's getting really Twilight-y. Every time Jenny's here, she's like does this dog need to be put down.
Speaker 1:I'm just like Becca, I know, but bless her, she does not look good. I'm trying to get her up the stairs. I'm like come on, come on, come on.
Speaker 2:She's one of the pilots best friends, one of the ones that was here with a sleepover has two bulldogs and they are huge. The girl is Nala is massive, and so she kept taking Bindi for a walk and I'd be like I'm so sorry she's so slow she goes. She's doing so much better than my dogs would, and he was like she has a lifted house.
Speaker 2:I was like you're actually very validating right now. She's like she's such a good girl and I was like perspective. I'm like I think maybe the reason you think she's not doing well is because of the way her face is shaped.
Speaker 3:Well, fair, I I mean that underbite really gives you it's a special kind of like love I know she is precious, though, and I I'm used to like tiny.
Speaker 1:Who is this dog man? He is insane, yes he's the fastest dog I've ever seen in my entire life, and I'm not exaggerating.
Speaker 2:I don't think he's fast dogs. I don't think that's what I mean.
Speaker 1:I mean, yeah, he is. He is not the same dog, that was a stray, he is nut job.
Speaker 2:No, you have a fast dog. Christina has a hound. That's like always on the counters and into everything. I couldn't do that.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 3:That's not your lane. Yeah, you need a potato.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do. I need somebody to teach me the life of the potato.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you need maybe a tiny bit less potato, but not too much, Because then you would be like what is this? I can't let you.
Speaker 1:She was less potato before she was 10, to be fair, that's true't have like a zoom before she was 10 I think she suits you to a t, to be quite honest she is like my perfect sidekick yeah, she really is you like the way I talk to her?
Speaker 2:I almost said the way we talk to each other, but then I was like that might be too far.
Speaker 3:I mean, I love your interactions with her. Whenever I'm talking to you on the phone, you're like Bendy, well she tries to reason with her.
Speaker 1:She's like what are you doing? I'm like what is she going to say here?
Speaker 2:But she kind of does respond, she does, and so Alice was like like she's a really good listener. Like you know how, I only let her white like rubber face on the carpet on the porch and so I'm like that is get outside. And she went right outside and rubbed her face. She was wow. I was like guys, I actually got a listener. She does respond. We're, we're tight simpatica I know, christina, what do you have for us? Oh?
Speaker 3:I know you're an avid listener. I thought you had listener questions well, that was the main thing.
Speaker 1:I mean, I think people want to know, like how?
Speaker 2:to. Should we talk about managing anxiety?
Speaker 1:yeah, like let go of that and just do it. Well, that was the main thing I mean.
Speaker 2:I think people want to know, like how to?
Speaker 3:Should we talk about managing anxiety? Yeah, like let go of that and just do it. I mean basically, wow, I don't know if it's that easy, no. I don't think it is, but something I've been talking about with my clients is like the problem with anxiety, right is, it's your brain's fear and it is a liar and tells you you can't handle something right. Yeah so anxiety is telling you you don't have the skills to handle this, so you need to worry about it so that you're prepared that is actually factually inaccurate, because you will deal with it.
Speaker 3:You've dealt with every hard thing that's ever come up for you and you are still sitting here today, right? So your anxiety is your brain telling you you don't have the skills to deal with it, and that is just not true. So you have to say to yourself, okay, so this is scary. So you have to say to yourself, okay, so this is scary, but I know that I can handle this with the skills that I have, or the future me will have, right, and that's really hard because what you want to do is just worry about it. But what's that doing for you? Has that helped you?
Speaker 2:Probably not. No, I mean, I was just thinking about when Jenny said like oh, I'm now, I'm just doing it, and I was like, well, that actually I think comes from how much we have gone through in the last nine months. Like I think that empowerment is is a newer thing to both of us in some ways, where we're like man, we've already Kool-Aid man, crushed some doors, so now we're just like I mean there is something that's for sure a big part of, like the growth that we've experienced, and so now things are a little bit less.
Speaker 2:I don't know. I feel more sure of myself for sure, and even the way that we approach, like client conversations, we're doing a better job with boundaries with some people. I just drew in this morning with a client. We're definitely finding our voice first for some of this stuff. When I feel like before I don't know, when I feel anxiety or I feel out of control, it's because I don't feel empowered for sure.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I feel like life's already been really hard. Now I'm not I don't have nearly the fears that I had yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you, I mean a lot of like. Our thoughts are like what's like we think about what's the worst thing that's going to happen, and when you've dealt with a lot of the worst things, you're like, well, a lot of that has already happened and I've somehow survived that.
Speaker 2:So, uh, you're like well, a lot of that has already happened and I've somehow survived that. So uh, yeah, Monday became Friday. I mean, there were some weeks there. Yes, I remember you guys talking about that.
Speaker 3:It just keeps moving, right, it just, it just keeps moving, even when you don't think that you can, and sometimes you just have to start right with yeah, okay, this isn't, this is not an emergency, I am just overwhelmed. Right, just do the next thing.
Speaker 1:And I think that's definitely for me. That's what I've had to do. I feel like something as simple as oh, you need to. For example, I met my girlfriend. We did a girls weekend in Florida about a month ago and it was, like you know, we had plans because we live three and a half hours away from each other, but yet we chose to fly down to Florida together because it made sense and we wanted to go to the beach.
Speaker 1:But it used to stress me out like, oh, you know, how are we going to get there? Get in a car. We got to get travel. Are we going to get there at the same time. And now it's like, just do it, like just do the things. It is not that big of a deal.
Speaker 1:And I feel like two years ago, when I was super overwhelmed with everything else going around on around me, it made those things seem bigger than they actually were. And now it's like it just it doesn't matter. It truly does not matter. Those are simple little tasks, just like I make in my agenda every day. It's no different. It's no different.
Speaker 1:And I think for me kind of like leaning into the uncomfortable and the fear is that, you know, I have friends and I have people who are our age, who are, you know, getting sick and losing people and dropping dead at the age of 40. And it's just like I have no control over it. I have no control over it, and so it's just, and also these little things that I was stressing about, it does not matter. I mean, it does not matter if Clark is not dressed in a matching outfit, it doesn't matter if she's 10 minutes late to camp, it does not matter if you know my husband buys the wrong sour cream at the grocery store. Like it does not matter. So like I think, just kind of having that perspective shift for me has been super helpful, but it took me 41 years to get there.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, I feel that. I feel that deeply and I talked to so many people about exactly what you said, right, like how important is this really? Right, because we make everything so important and it's like, does this really matter? Is this really what I need to be worrying about we give too much weight to things. Yeah, and also we never think about what if it goes well or what if it's okay, Like what if? What if this is fine?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I feel like it's made a difference in a like, a difference in my marriage too, like, where things used to just like completely ungluue me, or even like parenting. I just now it's just like. I mean, is it really that big of a deal? I say that, but then I got so pissed at nate last night when he walked in with his dirty airport shoes and I had just mopped the floor. I wanted to wring his neck.
Speaker 3:So I'm not as cheap airports are so gross.
Speaker 1:I'm like dude, I just mopped, I was so pissed um, but I do feel like just having that perspective shift and I don't think that's anything like it. It took me a long time to get there, but I do think it stems from me, from being overwhelmed. I find my anxiety substantially worse than because I'm so worried about all these other things. It's not really the main thing that I'm anxious about.
Speaker 2:I have a question. Oh no, do you feel like I'm just sounding this out because I don't know? My perspective is different. Right, I'm like the divorced person. But I felt more overwhelmed when I was hoping or had planned to rely on a partner for a certain amount of like safekeeping. And once I realized that at the end of the day, whether you're married, happily or not, like you pretty much are only responsible for yourself and your kids, and so once I had to get to that finish line in kind of a weird way which sucked. But now I really do understand that I'm the only person responsible for my own like health safekeeping, like I don't plan to give that to anyone in the future.
Speaker 2:I get frustrated, like sometimes I'll talk to Tina about like even you know, like certainly my mom worries about me sometimes, and it gets like really overwhelming and I just want everyone to trust me with myself the same way that I trust myself with myself now.
Speaker 2:And I think that's more maybe a traditional belief that, like you have this other partner who's going to take care of you or grill or cut the grass or whatever, and once you realize that that's not what's going to happen, whether you wanted it or not.
Speaker 2:You realize that that's not what's going to happen, whether you wanted it or not, and then also you come to terms with the fact that it truly is only you and you become a lot more. I feel like this is very much the story of being in your forties as a woman, you start to trust yourself in a way that you didn't necessarily before. That's where I let a lot of that go. I don't know if I just had to or if that's like the same experience. Let a lot of that go. I don't know if I just had to or if that's like the same experience that a lot of like 40 year old women feel, cause I know we talk about this feeling of like going into 40 and you feel like a weird door kind of opens. It's not necessarily freedom, it's almost like you start to really learn to trust yourself.
Speaker 1:Well, I think you're seeking less validation from others because, at the end of the day, like nobody's doing it perfectly Right. I mean, we're all complete shit shows. So it's like, why do I care about what other people think? When it's like I just want to be my authentic self and like do my thing, like I can't worry about people not liking me or you know all this stuff, like that for me. 40, I was just like peace, I'm done with that. Like I'm done being people pleasing, like love me or hate me.
Speaker 3:I could give two shits yeah, I definitely think a lot of that growth, like you said, jenny, is recognizing that, like I'm spending a lot of energy either doing stuff to please other people or doing stuff that other I think other people will want from me or for me, instead of just like what do I actually want? And I mean, I think you know marriage is tough in that way because you, you know, like you have another person's perspective who, like unfortunately, like you do have to take into consideration, right, Like.
Speaker 3:I don't get to just make what I want for dinner every single night, because that's rude. I would prefer that. But you know, sometimes I have to eat something I don't really love, and same for him, right. But I think there is like, generally speaking, no one else is going to watch out for you the way you watch out for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah. I was talking to Kirsten Hatcher from Raising Marriage a few days ago and she was like I just want to say you're doing a really good job, being, from what I can tell yourself, 100% of the time. I was like I really appreciate that. That's very validating. I am trying my best, but it also comes from this weird place of like. I want to know if you don't like it immediately.
Speaker 2:Like what you're doing like what you're doing, no, just like I want to know, if I want to see in the way people act or react to me if you don't like me, because I don't have any space at all for it. So I find that if I'm myself a hundred percent of the time, that is a much better gauge of like the people I want around me. And so sometimes it does look like I share too much. Or I think we were joking about the waxing thing because I had somebody who was like do you really need the whole internet, knowing that you and I was like why do we just stigmatize who does that?
Speaker 3:I mean, I know Someone who obviously needs to get waxed maybe.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, you know who it is, who most of the opinions that I get from are typically and it's weird because it's only happened recently and I'm pretty much blaming Hinge but it would always be a man, almost always who in my I think 97% of my following is women. But I had a guy the other day you know the joke where I was like talking about the tambour, they. I had a guy the other day you know the joke where I was like talking about the tambourine. We were talking about the gala and then I don't have permission to post my ex-husband's pictures on mayhem. So I made it funny when I was showing the gala picture.
Speaker 2:But then I put like Travis Kelsey's face, a man wrote a DM that said something along the lines of a DM. That said something along the lines of I would take you from behind and I was like you're blocked, gross, but no, like. This is why I like my audience the way I like it. I'm like you guys are. So I'm not trying to be universal here, but no woman is going to slide into my DMs and be like hey, this picture with you and Travis Kelsey makes me think All the women are like God, your biceps look so good.
Speaker 3:I'm like, oh yeah, they were sweet, yeah, and I want to know when has that mode of trying to pick up a woman works?
Speaker 1:Like, because I am just so curious. I think it only works if you're like a celebrity, Like if like I'm going to be honest with you Travis Kelsey himself messaged you that, yes, I'd be like hit me up Tomorrow.
Speaker 2:Tomorrow.
Speaker 1:So that's when it works.
Speaker 3:Good point, good point.
Speaker 2:But like it's just the most, uh, almost like intrusive I don't even know what the word is, but like sometimes I get those where I'm like why do you care? Why do you? How is saying that I go for a wax Not even the same as saying I go for the dentist? That just tells me everything I need to know about society, still to this day.
Speaker 1:But, it costs zero dollars to keep your opinions to yourself.
Speaker 3:Thank you If you've got nothing nice to say.
Speaker 1:Shut it down, zip it up. You can just keep scrolling, manners, yeah.
Speaker 2:I think they think that because I share that they somehow like I value everybody's opinion in that way right. They think that they are entitled to you yes, yes, I had a situation actually recently where I actually uh, silenced somebody that I'm around quite a bit, I don't, she's not able to see my stories anymore, and she actually was very confrontational about this and I'm like I don't understand why you feel.
Speaker 1:I would never say that to somebody.
Speaker 2:Like you would have. You saw the message. Like it was very confrontational about the fact that I limited her access to me on social media and I just was like I don't feel the need Whether or not you think it's just consumption for everyone like I don't feel the need to give access to me or access of me to everyone. It may feel that way as an outsider, but it's not meant to be that way. I'm allowed to decide yeah, but it's not meant to be that way, I'm allowed to decide yeah.
Speaker 3:Well, if you think about it, when you think about how accessible we are now to people, people think that we owe them our availability 24 seven, which is just not true. And if you think about it before now, only the people in your life that you wanted to talk to would know about your life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:So we've gotten real used to seeing whatever we want to see without having to engage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:So that's actually Nellie's.
Speaker 2:Well, and so that is actually what was. The full circle is for me. This person's around me a lot, but they haven't done any of the work to even just say like I'm sorry about what's happening, or your wallpaper is beautiful, or I'm going to keep you in my prayers it could have been anything, or it looks like you're really thriving, or I I'm so amazed that you have like there's anything you could have picked, or I'm so amazed that you have like there's anything you could have picked. I'm sorry your cat died.
Speaker 2:You have a podcast. That's really cool. How do I listen to it? But there has actually been nothing Like there's crickets, and so for me that's why I was like I don't like that. You watch me this closely, but you don't feel the need to check in at all. That feels very imbalanced and it doesn't feel good, and so I'm just going to draw a line, and I've done that a lot lately, but it was very interesting to see their reaction after, especially having lived in a situation where somebody really enjoyed their amount of access to me and how much I catered to that. I feel like that's definitely a boundary for me now, but they did not appreciate that.
Speaker 3:Well, why do you think that is right? Whenever you set a boundary with someone who then turns up the drama, that person needed that boundary and they were planning on crossing it, so that's why you had to have it.
Speaker 2:Ooh, that's very validating.
Speaker 1:I say people are just bored af and they just like to be entertained, because if you are entertaining good, bad, different you are entertaining.
Speaker 2:So when you took away it's like taking away somebody's netflix it's like, oh man, I lost my netflix like you could have just kept the netflix by being like, hey, are you good, you see me a lot of times. You could have easily, but I like what you just said about that whole. That tells me you're right. I'm running into that a lot, whether it's in this new relationships or the way things are different now. But when people get mad when you draw the boundary, that is a really good tell of the fact that that boundary was needed and I don't think I've actually thought about it like that. So that's interesting to process. That's going to take me a minute, but there's a lot of truth in that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we need boundaries to preserve a relationship with a person right. Yeah, but when someone gets mad about a boundary, it's because they're inconvenienced, yeah, and they're mad that they have to now act differently with you or have a different type of relationship with you. But if they continued the relationship the same way, the relationship would not continue. So you're actually preserving a relationship with someone by setting a boundary because you're saying I have needs that are not being met here.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, that's so good.
Speaker 1:Mic drop, Tina Mic drop.
Speaker 2:No, I'm really going to have to process that, but that's a really interesting. I've never thought about it like that and I'm working really hard on boundaries and I'm not necessarily like I am not the storybook, the textbook boundary setter at all.
Speaker 3:I have, like you know, boundaries are hard if you, if we never really learned them. They're really hard because when we're people pleasers right, this is like the you feel like you're in your villain era when you're setting a boundary. You do it's hard because you feel responsible for everyone's emotions to your boundary. Those aren't mine, those are your feelings. I didn't make you feel that you feel annoyed. You can feel annoyed and I'm going to hold my boundary, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:Okay, so we are getting close to wrapping up, but I think this, if you have, because I really need to process this, I need like 12 more cups of coffee and maybe because this is a big deal for me and I think I know for sure for Jenny and I think you know it's it's been a big conversation between the two of us for the last nine months, whether it's with clients or whatever it is. But if you have like tools and resources that we can share, um, I have a book that I love. I think Jenny and I have both had the same book, so we'll reshare that.
Speaker 2:But, like I mean, I think this is a really interesting topic of conversation in general and I think it goes back to our original conversation with you about like being female and how hard and challenging some of the like you just said. Like if you've never been taught how to do it, we were literally taught how to not have boundaries, that's it.
Speaker 3:You would never say to a man who set a boundary that he's being like, that he is being overly emotional. You'd might say like, oh, he's kind of rude, or whatever, but we would be called a bitch for sure. Yeah, it is not the same for men.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, it's so interesting. It's just like the way that we were raised or conditioned, or. But if you have tools, share them with us and we will share them with everyone. This episode actually drops this week.
Speaker 3:Yeah, well, I will send you. I have a book I always recommend to clients, and I think it actually has a workbook with it now too, so that could be fun.
Speaker 2:I wonder if it's the same book when you did boundaries?
Speaker 3:Um, I don't think that that is the full title. It's like a relatively newer book in the last few years. But I can send you the links.
Speaker 2:Send that to me. Thank you so much for coming on.
Speaker 1:Thank you, we always have so much fun with you.
Speaker 3:We really do.
Speaker 1:I love coming on.
Speaker 3:It's just like two of my friends. You're a feature.
Speaker 2:You're a resident therapist.
Speaker 1:You're the mayhem therapist.
Speaker 3:Ooh, I like it. 're a resident therapist. You're the mayhem therapist. Oh, I like it.
Speaker 1:All right, guys. Thank you so much, and we will see you next week.