Grief is Where Your Love Goes with Rev Judith Laxer

In this episode, we are blessed to spend time with the Rev. Judith Laxer. She is a modern-day mystic who believes that beauty, humor, and the wonders of nature make life worth living. 

The founding Priestess of Gaia’s Temple, Judith is a keynote and TEDx speaker, teacher of the magickal arts and mysteries, and author of Along the Wheel of Time: Sacred Stories for Nature Lovers [Ravenswood Publishing]. 

Judith dedicates her work to the rise and cultural integration of the Divine Feminine in all Her magnificence and wisdom. www.judithlaxer.com, www.gaiastemple. You can also find her on Facebook and Instagram as Judith M Laxer and Gaia’s Temple Seattle.

Poem from this episode:
You Did Not Leave Us
by Kristen Kory

 You may have left this world, but you are not gone.
And you may seem faraway, but we will always find you.
In dreams and old letters, in stories and songs.
You may have left this world, but you did not leave us.
You stayed in our hearts where you will forever live on.

You can find us on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and LinkedIn. Also, we would love your financial support and you can join us on Patreon. Anyone who supports us at any level will be invited to a special live, online conversation with Annalouiza and Wakil.

And we would love your feedback and want to hear your stories. You can email us at endoflifeconvo@gmail.com.

Transcript

Annalouiza
Rev. Judith Laxer is a modern-day mystic who believes that beauty, humor, and the wonders of nature make life worth living. The founding priestess of Gaias Temple, Judith is a keynote and TEDx speaker, teacher of the magical arts and mysteries, and author of "Along the Wheel, Integration of the Divine Feminine, and All Her Magnificence and Wisdom."

You can also find her on Facebook and Instagram as Judith M. Laxer and Gaius Temple Seattle. We will post links to her work and her email in the podcast notes.

Wakil
So great to have you here. So glad you could join us today, Judith.

We just like to start most times with the same question. And that is, when did you really first become aware of death in your own life?

Rev Judith Laxer
Well, you know, there are two significant events that happened that taught me that death is real and occurs. The second of which was when both my seven-year-old cousin or five-year-old cousin and my grandfather died within months of each other. So it was like this devastating thing that occurred in my family.

But the real initiation into death, into the mysteries, was when my aunt died on her 50th birthday and I was 12. And I was raised in a Jewish family, although we weren't religious Jews, we were just kind of traditional Jews, meaning we ate certain foods at certain time of the year, but I had no idea why, that's what I mean. And anyway, there was this sort of weird convoluted story, which has since been debunked, that because my aunt died on the holy week between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, that God closes his book during that week. And I guess my young self interpreted this to me that your name wouldn't be written in God's book. And then that meant that you didn't go to heaven or you didn't go to hell, you were just kind of in purgatory somewhere. That was kind of the message that came down to me.

Wakil 
Wow.

Mm-hmm.

Rev Judith Laxer
And then the following year during that, the following year during Holy Week, my aunt came to me in a dream and she was just kind of floating out there and disembodied space sort of thing. And I was like paralyzed, scared to death. And she told me to apologize to my mother for something that happened apparently long before I was born, there was no way I could know of it. I started to cry. My sobbing woke me up. I went down to the kitchen where my parents were having their morning coffee and they were like, what's the matter? What's the matter? And I said, Auntie told me to tell you that she's sorry for whatever the story was. And they both looked at me like my father looked at me like, anyway, they just dropped their jaws, they didn't know what to do with this or what to do with me. 

And that's all that I remember from that incident. But for the next five years during Holy Week, my aunt would come to me in a dream. And finally, when I was 18, I somehow managed to muster the courage to say, why are you coming to me? And she said, because you're the only one who can hear me.

Wakil
Wow

Rev Judith Laxer 
And so this kind of opened me up to the whole psychic mysteries. And  I'd had lots of psychic experiences as a child, as most of us do. Many of us do. I just thought that was what everybody was like. And then I found out, no, that is and people don't really live their lives that way. So this was my initiation into the mysteries of death and that death is not the end.

Wakil 
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, sweet.

Rev Judith Laxer
Yeah. So that's how it all got going at 12 years old.

Wakil 
Wow.

Annalouiza
Oh, it's so beautiful. So that was the beginning, and then you have carried on this life path. And so how does death impact the story of your life?

Rev Judith Laxer
Yes, well, particularly more recently it has. I became an ordained minister in 1992. And so then when embarking on my merry way, presiding and officiating at rites of passage, mostly weddings and funerals. And I found that I just loved officiating at funerals and memorials. There was something that was just so deep and so beautiful about it.

And also I remembered that when my grandfather died, the rabbi was up there speaking about him. My grandfather, may he rest in peace, was not a very nice man. I'm saying that nicely. And he was extolling his virtues. What a great father and grandfather he was. I remember looking at my mother like, who is he talking about? And I remember thinking, you know what? It's not just, it's a disservice to be telling lies at this crucial rite of passage. Even as a young woman, it just, it didn't work for me. So then when I began doing it, I decided I was not going to offer services like that. I was gonna keep it real. I was gonna talk about our humanity. I was going to,  so that's what I have done. And I've done countless ceremonies at this point. And what I will say though, is that In the last year and a half, I have lost three significant elder women in my life, my mother, my friend Patty, and just recently my friend Simone, all who had a very strong influence on who I have become in the world. 

So for the longest time, being the officiant, holding others in their sorrow and their grief, kind of being there to take care of other people as they went through the experience of death and dying has been my role. And in this last year and a half, I felt grief in a way that I have never experienced it before. So now I feel like I'm initiated into grief, not just death and dying, and how those two intersect, of course. And so my experience of this is just, you know, so deepened and widened, and yeah.

Wakil
Hmm.

Yeah.
Well, yeah.

Annalouiza 
Can you talk to us a little bit more about this initiation into grief?

Rev Judith Laxer 
Yeah, well, you know, all the platitudes that you hear about it, all of a sudden start making sense. It's kind of like, you know, when you hear all these broken-up love songs on the radio and they're all like, they all seem so cheesy, until you're in the middle of a breakup and then it's God's truth coming through. I had heard this before, which is that
Grief is where your love goes when the person you love is no longer here to receive it. Like the love doesn't die, you still love the person just because they're not here. And so it goes into this place of grief. And I'm coming to understand that while grief doesn't remain as acute as it is when first loss, I don't think it ever goes away. I think you walk with grief the rest of your life. I think it's part of maturing, it's part of our humanity.

Wakil
Yeah.

Rev Judith Laxer
I think learning to walk with it is a really good skill set because death like birth is a given. And it also helps prepare us for our own death, which is something that I feel is part of my charge now in the world to get as many people as I know to turn toward death instead of turning away from it for that sense of freedom and joy that comes when you are as prepared as you possibly can be. 

But the grief has certainly, you know, taken me, taken me deep, taken me down. There were times that I can't just keep pushing through and soldiering on, you know, like I used to. I just don't. And people have said to me, oh, I know it's so hard to grieve. You know, the first year is the worst.

I just remember someone said to me, I know it's so difficult, it'll get easier. And I said, it's not difficult for me to grieve. It's one of the easiest things I've ever done. It's an honor to grieve those that I love. I'm not looking to get past it or get away from it. Yeah.

Annalouiza 
Hmm

Wakil 
Yeah.

Annalouiza 
Mm-hmm. Wow.

Wakil 
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, it's a life practice. It really is. And I mean, I'm so glad you put it that way for us because that's really why we're here. I mean, that's why Annalouiza and I want to talk about this and with conversations with so many different people. And as we talk to people about it, we find over and over again, this sense of, wow, what a relief that we can actually speak to this with each other and not just stuff it or not expect it to change or not expected to heal necessarily.

Rev Judith Laxer 
Yeah, and another part of that skill set is, you know, I've always, crying has never been difficult for me. I can cry very, very easily. 

Annalouiza 
Ahhhh

Rev Judith Laxer 
So now, oh my goodness, you know, it's just, it's like over the top. I cry at everything. Oh, there's a new flower in my African violet. Oh, there's, you know, it almost snowed yesterday. I mean, I'm just crying at the drop of a hat all the time and I'm letting myself cry.

I'm making sure I have Kleenex with me. I don't care what I look like when I'm crying. I don't try to hold it together for somebody else or anybody else. This is just the truth of it. And so many people are like, you're okay? Are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Yeah, I'm fine. This is a natural reaction. I would not be okay if I was trying to kind of stuff it. 

Wakil 
Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I always feel like the tears are a sacred gift for us, you know, and we've talked about that again and that's another thing that comes up a lot on this podcast. 

Annalouiza 
A lot.

Wakil
So, thank you. Thank you for sharing that about yourself.

Annalouiza 
Yeah. And what a gift. What a true gift right there.

Wakil 
Do you wanna talk a little bit more about your current role? 

Rev Judith Laxer
I do, I do.  I got to say goodbye to my mother, but I wasn't with her after death. And I've been at a lot of deaths of animals, but I'd never been with a human being when the spirit left the body. And I was hoping that would be true for my friend, Patti, but she died when I was traveling overseas, and so I couldn't be with her either.

Although I did officiate at her green burial, which was a beautiful thing. And it was another form of initiation into death because at a green burial, which means lots of different things for lots of different funeral homes, I found out. But essentially, it means that the body is not embalmed with chemicals. And then, you know, you're just, you know, buried in the earth in one funeral home, they lined the grave with concrete, which didn't seem very green to me. I didn't quite understand that. So I found a funeral home where they didn't do that, and the bottom of the grave with the bottom foot or so is lined with thin pine that will,  degrade over time. And there were, you know, beautiful branches of Douglas fir on the bottom.

At most burials, the funeral home manages the lowering of the body into the grave. There's a crank or a lever or something, and they do that while the mourners stand around. But at a green burial, the mourners do everything. We move the body from the hearse onto the cart. We brought the cart over to the grave. She was shrouded. And on the shroud, there are six different straps that are kind of rolled up.

And so you lift the body from using the straps off the cart over and around the grave, and then you slowly unroll the straps and you lower the body into the grave. And I just, I mean, until you feel the body hit the ground, and I mean, such a visceral experience that I had never had before. And it was such an honor to lower my friend Patty to her final resting place that way. But it was also another form of initiation. My friend Simone was there and she was drumming for that ceremony. And afterward she said, that's what I want. Okay, you got it. 

Annalouiza 
haha

Wakil 
Ha ha

Rev Judith Laxer
Simone had been suffering with cancer for many, many years that went into remission. And anyway, the circumstances of her death don't matter so much as that she knew that she wanted to do death with dignity. And we're so blessed here in the state of Washington to have that be a legal option. 

And so anyway, we went to lunch last summer and we started talking about all of these things. Including that she wanted me to help her with all of these things. So she made me her the executive of her will, her medical power of attorney. I mean, we just, we did everything together, including figuring out the death with dignity piece and getting that set up. 

Because you need two primary care doctors to sign off on a document that says the person would not survive six months without treatment. So it has to be done. 

And then it can take up to two weeks after you order it for that medicine, which we came to call the potion, being readily available. So we handled all of that ahead of time.

Wakil 
Yeah.
Yeah, good.

Rev Judith Laxer 
And then, you know, she was asking me, how am I gonna know when the time is right? Like, she said to me at one point, you know, my body wants to die, but I don't. I love it here and all the people I love are here and it's so beautiful and I'm still having so much fun. How am I gonna know when the time is right? And I said, you'll know. When remaining in your body is more difficult than the fun you're having in it, you'll know.

Annalouiza
Hahaha

Wakil 
There you go.

Rev Judith Laxer 
And sure enough, that is exactly what happened. And she was in a lot of pain at the very end, actually due to shingles that she got. And her body couldn't fight off the shingles because it was already fighting the cancer. So her immune system was so compromised. And so the last, almost a year, a little over a year of her life, she suffered terrible shingles, which is just awful. And so then her doctors started prescribing her painkillers, which were like major opiates. 

And she was keeping a log of that for a while. But then, you know, after a while, your brain on opiates, you know, you can't track anything. And so twice she took so many that she didn't come to until later in the afternoon. And the second time that happened, she was on hospice by now. I had arranged hospice for her and the hospice nurse believed that she believed that the pain was taking her down faster than the illness. And then if she would spend a few days in the hospice facility, they could figure out how to manage her pain, which could buy her more months. 

But Simone did not want to go into a hospice facility. And so that last night of her life, she said she was up all night thinking about it and decided that she didn't want to go into hospice. She was not coming back from this. And this was a sign, and this was the time.

So then she contacted me and there were a total of eight of us, close friends who loved her dearly, who sang her across the threshold, essentially. So beautiful. But the whole experience with Death with Dignity was just extraordinary. And I'm still processing it. The medication itself is like a powder.

And so you have to order it took an hour and a half or two to arrive. The first thing that the patient does is take anti-nausea because it's disgusting. And then you have to wait 45 minutes for that to kick in. So that's when we were doing all the old, all the singing, singing all these old songs. And, you know, there she is lying in bed, a little footstep and he keep rhythm to the music, musician to the very end. 

Anyway, then came the time and so the hospice nurse helped me and she told me what to do. I had to put a mask on so I wouldn't breathe any of it in. I had to have gloves on so it wouldn't touch my skin. First, you put an anti-bitter syringe into the palette and then two ounces of clear liquid and you shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it and you know, all away from you. And then you put a straw in this little vial.

And first you have the patient suck on an ice pop to sort of try to numb the taste buds because it just tastes so terrible. And then the hospice nurse said to her, you know, Simone, when you drink this, you're going to go to sleep and you're not going to wake up. Do you know that? She said, I do. And so I came over and I said, are you, so are you ready? She said, I am. So I brought over the potion and I said, this is not the kind of thing you sip, you want to chug this thing back as fast as you can. 

And so she took a couple of gulps. It's just terrible. And that's what she said. She said, oh, this is terrible. And she got sick and I was afraid. Oh my God, what happens now? And I looked over at the hospice nurse and she just kind of shook her head and like, don't worry about it. Later she told me the amount that Simone was able to take down and take in and hold in would have killed 30 elephants. 

Wakil 
Oh, wow. Wow.

Rev Judith Laxer 
And 30 seconds later, the face went gray and lips went blue. She slumped down. We laid her down on the bed. I had my hand under her back and I was holding her hand. And then comes the death rattle, which I've never heard before. And then we free them. And then there was this sense. I didn't hear it, but I felt it. There was a sense like, whoosh. Like she's gone. You can see it.

Wakil
Yeah, yeah, yeah. How beautiful, how beautiful that you were so present with that. And obviously just from your description, you were a witness to this sacred, sacred time. 

And so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with us. 

Yeah, I know in the... medically assisted dying. Now we had a guest on who spoke about that with us and they've changed some of the rules now. You don't have to, in the state of Washington, it just changed that you need one physician and you need one medical person. So it doesn't have to be two physicians anymore. And the waiting time is shorter as well. So again, it's something that we like to make sure people know that...
your state may or may not have that. There are other options that your hospice people can work with you on if that isn't available. Every state has different laws and different rules around it, so you need to really be aware of that. But it is something to be aware of and I so appreciate your sharing with such beauty. Thank you.

Rev Judith Laxer
I think it was an honor and you want a gift to me also that, you know, like I said, I'd never been with another human when they passed over and to be with someone who I loved and who I knew loved me and trusted me to be there and hold this space for her, it just means everything

But you know, the big takeaway, I mean, for me personally, of course, this is just fraught with a million and one things. But the thing that I'm coming away with all of these experiences is how important it is to turn toward and prepare for our death. And I think what happens, I mean, I think there's a million reasons why that doesn't happen. You know, we here in the West, we have just horrible practices around death and dying, which means virtually none, at least up until the death has happened. Then we've got all kinds of funeral stuff and the funeral industry - don't even start me on that.

Wakil
Yikes. Yeah.

Rev Judith Laxer
Um, you know, but we are not encouraged to include this. You know, the only thing that we are guaranteed in life, the only thing we're guaranteed in life is that we're going to die. And it's the thing that we are in denial of almost more than anything else. And I have not found it to be macabre or.= morbid or to ruin my good mood or anything like that by preparing for it, thinking of it, talking with other people. What do you want? What kind of death do you want? Not just what do you want done with your body after you're gone, but what kind of death do you want to have?

Wakil 
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Rev Judith Laxer 
Yeah.

Annalouiza 
Which is still not in our control, but it's good to have conversations with others so that we can talk about what we hope for, right?

Rev Judith Laxer 
That's right. And you know, it's interesting. Not long ago, I read this wonderful book whose name I cannot remember right now by these two British hospice nurses. And it was one case study after another. And the case that they were making is that we do often choose the time of our death. 

Wakil
Hmm.
That's right.

Rev Judith Laxer
That they were finding people who or they were working with people like this one gentleman in particular who was very close to death, but he wasn't passing over.

And one day he started talking about he didn't have his ticket. He didn't have his ticket. And the two nurses were like, what is he talking about? What ticket? They started looking in his coat pockets and stuff until one of them realized, and this is a metaphor. He feels he needs something in order to go. 

So they wrote up a little ticket and they handed it to him. And two hours later, he was gone. It's the same thing like when people feel like there's something heavy on their soul that they must be confess and the priests come and they confess, they're free to go. 

So there are certain conditions, I think, that actually precede a choice to leave. I mean, not always, of course, and we know that's all God's business. And, you know, but I still think that preparing for it is good emotionally and it's good psychologically. 

And it's also good socially because, who's gonna, who's going to take care of all your stuff when you go.  It's just better to ask about that. Like if the most important thing for you is you don't care if you're gonna be in a hospital, if you're gonna be home, but you just don't wanna be in pain no matter what, that's really important for the people around you to know. You know?

Wakil 
Yeah.

Annalouiza 
Mm-hmm.

Wakil 
Yeah, I've heard this from hospice people and I've witnessed it myself. 

Well, for instance, a good story about this is my dad, when I was sitting with him at the end of life, I was with him, I was praying with him, I was singing with him, and he wasn't that cognizant of what was going on.

But a hospice worker came in and said, if you want to take a break, go ahead. And I took a break and went downstairs and got something to eat. And he called me and said, he's going or he's gone. 

And I've heard this many, many times that if you've got people gathered around you, your beloveds, the person who's dying sometimes thinks, I'm going to wait till everybody's out of the room. I don't want them to see this happen. And so that's an interesting thing to think about as well.

Rev Judith Laxer
Yes.

Yes, I think so too, because when my mom was dying, she was in an assisted facility. She was on hospice. My sister was going there, this was back East, so my sister was there every day. And my mom died like during the night after my sister went home. 

And she was a very private person, my mother was. I wasn't surprised to hear that she wanted to be alone when she made her exit.

So I just think there's some consciousness there, I do.

Wakil 
Yeah.

Annalouiza 
I agree. You know, my sister died. The morning that she died, I was really having a hard time getting out of bed to go back to the hospital after all these days. And I took my time that day, but I showed up and my parents hadn't like combed her hair or put lotion on her arms or... Neil Diamond was not playing on the little radio that she had there. And I just kind of got straight to work, like brushed her hair, moistened her lips, did everything, got Neil Diamond back on, sat down, and I had that same feeling. Like she just left and I feel like she just wanted to look cute before she checked out. Ha ha ha.

Wakil 
I love it. Yeah.

Rev Judith Laxer
True to herself to the end.

Annalouiza 
To the end, absolutely.

Wakil
Mm-hmm.

Rev Judith Laxer
I just know for myself that like preparing my own will, knowing who is going to be my medical power of attorney, having a few people in case that person is not around. 

Since I've been initiated this way and I feel like I'm turning into, I'm already a pagan priestess, now I'm turning into a funerary priestess, it feels like. And so I've been going through my stuff here at the house. This is a lot of stuff. So much of it means something to me not to anybody else, and then they're gonna have to come in here and deal with it. 

And that's like, it's a disservice you do to your loved ones, I think, when you just wanna stay in denial about your death and you don't prepare for it. And what I'm finding is that I'm feeling also the same sort of relief. 

Like we were talking about the relief it is to just have these conversations, but also like, because I had done my will, you know, maybe 10, 15 years ago - a lot changes in 10 and 15 years. People who are on that list are no longer here, let's put it that way, you know. So I went and we did the will and there was a sense of like, oh what a relief, that's done, I don't have to worry about that and my people are going to know what my wishes are and what I want and you know there's something that amplifies your joy in living when we turn toward and prepare for your goal as best you can. Yeah.

Wakil 
Right?

Annalouiza
Right.
Yeah.

Wakil 
Exactly, yeah. And we can do a shameless plug that both Annalouiza and I are doing classes. One mine's called, Before You Go and it's really a lot of the practical things, and then Annalouiza is doing one specifically on creating your advanced care directive and doing lots of other stuff too. So yeah, I think that's so important and thank you for bringing that into this conversation.

Rev Judith Laxer
Yes, I saw that.

Annalouiza 
Yes. So in your current role, what, what do you find your biggest challenges are?

Rev Judith Laxer
Getting people out of denial for sure. Yeah, yeah. And I just, you know, I kind of talked on the funeral industry a little bit and I just, I really find that very challenging. I mean, granted, you know, we don't havethe village undertaker who's gonna handle all of these things for us. And most of us are not prepared to deal with corpses frankly, so...

You know, we do need others to help us in aspects of our lives that we are not skilled at or don't have what we need. But what has happened in the funeral industry, I just think is just awful. They prey on the vulnerable, the grieving, the overwhelmed. They grow fat on that. So many guilt tactics are used. And I actually saw this. I went with a friend of mine whose daughter died tragically and she was just a mess. And so I walked with her while she was choosing the coffin and the funeral person just kept leading her back to the most expensive coffin because this is how her daughter was going to be taken care of in the afterlife. I mean, I didn't say anything because it wasn't my daughter but I could tell you, had it been me there shopping I would have let this person have a piece of my mind. You know, it's, yeah.

Wakil
Mm-hmm

Annalouiza 
Well, historically we did have our village do all this work, right? So when I trained for essentially corpse care about eight years ago and how to handle a body and everything, and my mentor later connected me with somebody out of DC who was trying hard to fight against industrial funeral homes because they've actually just taken over all the small mom and pop kind of home-based places. And she was like, you really need to get on this. And I don't know where the movement's at, but there are a lot of people just getting so aggravated with the expense, the disservice to our planet. So all these choices that they make are just for their own pockets and not for the wellbeing of all of us.

Rev Judith Laxer 
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's terrible.

That's right. I mean, if your beloved dies in a hospital, you have to fight to be able to take them home. Like, the hospital is geared toward, and I don't know if it's a law, that they go to a funeral home that you can't actually take your loved one home.

Annalouiza 
Yeah. You know what? That happens more than you would think. And it happens even more so for communities with indigenous backgrounds. And so when I trained, that was one of the conversations that my mentor said, like, be ready to support indigenous black and brown people who want to go home and have a wake because in the state of Colorado, it is not illegal to take your, your loved one's body. So I actually asked for my sister's body and it raised all kinds of red flags, but fortunately, I also knew the law and I said, there is actually no law that says I'm not allowed to. 

And everybody was scurrying around and later the funeral home director said, you know, nobody ever asks for that though. And so that's why they assume like, who would do that kind of crazy stuff? So we all have to do this more.

Rev Judith Laxer
Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah.

Wakil 
Right.
Yeah, yeah, much more.

Rev Judith Laxer
And you know, I'm sure you know this because you, I'm sure you know this, but I just recently learned not too long ago where the practice of embalming began, which was the Civil War. They wanted to be able to bring the bodies back whole to where they, you know, if they were from the North and they were fighting in the South, they wanted to be able to bring them home and they didn't have, you know, they couldn't do it in a flight in two hours.

So the body was going to decompose. And so that's how they started embalming, to preserve the body so they could bring it home. So it was kind of like what happened after World War II. They had all this chemical warfare. What do we do with it? Oh, let's create pesticides and herbicides. We'll kill everybody slowly that way. And I don't think that's what they were thinking. But you know, it's like, we have this toy. We have this tool. We have to use it. 

Wakil 
Mm-hmm.
Ha ha ha.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Annalouiza
We don't.

Rev Judith Laxer
But anyway, that's how it all started. And that's how embalming began. And so just think about all that, about all the bodies in the last couple of centuries that are just poisoning the earth for no reason.

Wakil 
Yeah, it's sad. Very sad, yeah.

Rev Judith Laxer
Very sad. So that's why I think green burial is really wonderful. And also here in Washington state, we have composting. I'm going to be composting because I'm a gardener. So yeah.

Wakil
Yeah, yeah, exactly. What we have, I was talking about earlier, People's Memorial, which is an organization here where you can actually sign up and say, this is what I wanna have happen to my body, and then they take care of it. There's no funeral director, no upscale upselling. There's none of that. And I don't know, that's not everywhere, but people can do that for themselves, as we're saying earlier, just by knowing the law, knowing their options, and making sure everybody that.. is going to be involved in their end of life, is aware of it, and knows what their wishes are. So, yeah. 

Rev Judith Laxer 
So one other thing I wanted to say about Simone that was so extraordinary is that she threw herself an end of life party, end of life celebration. And it turned out to be three days before she died. And just last Sunday, we did a proper memorial for her. I officiated a proper memorial, which was good because I think her community needed closure. But the Sunday before she died, she threw herself a big party and there had to be like 200 people there.

Wakil 
Right.

Rev Judith Laxer
And it was a huge drum circle for her. But at the beginning of it, she was sitting up front on this little couch and people were coming up one by one and talking with her and telling her, just sharing their love of who she'd been to them and the influence she had on them. And they were able to exchange love and say goodbye, which is the one thing we don't wanna do and we don't know how to do and we're not practiced at doing. It was just so beautiful, so beautiful to witness something like that.

Wakil 
Really? Yeah.

Yeah, that's such a beautiful thing. I'm so glad that is, I've seen that several times recently, and I think it's such a great plan if we can, you know, if we can figure that out. Yeah.

Rev Judith Laxer
Such a great plan. Yeah, yeah, while we're here. Why not share the mood between us while we're here?

Wakil)
Yeah.

Exactly, exactly.

Annalouiza 
Yeah, I love that.

Wakil 
Is there anything that you wish we had asked you about? 

Rev Judith Laxer
Actually there is one more thing that I would say, which is this. 

You know, we didn't really talk about spirit and spirituality with regard to death. Of course, that's a huge conversation. That's much longer than we have time for here today. 

But I do think that because each one of us has our own life and is gonna have our own death and it has our own spiritual beliefs, that being unafraid to address that spirituality also with your beloveds, especially if they don't follow your spiritual path is a really important piece to take care of also, to let your needs be known. 

I just remember years ago I was at a conference where a woman was concerned because she was following a quote unquote alternative spiritual path, earth-based, and she came from a devoutly Christian family. And she was afraid that they were going to...
do a Christian service for her and that doesn't speak to her soul. So I think that's an important piece also, you know.

Annalouiza 
That is really beautiful. You know, that actually does get addressed a little bit in the five wishes when you go through that. For some folks in my advanced care directive planning, there is a part for that too, because absolutely right. People will show up at the end and try to convert you and it's inappropriate.

Wakil Yeah.

Rev Judith Laxer 
inappropriate.

Wakil
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, great. Very good important thing to think about. And especially as you said with the differences in families and people who might be there taking care of you. And it also speaks to and something you talked about earlier is a regular check-in with your beloveds, your friends and yourself. 

What needs to be changed in my will? Who is going to be my power of attorney? Do you still want to do that? All these things that we, all this planning that we're talking about needs to be a regular practice. And we talked about a death party  I mean every year. Yeah, so next to your birthday, you know, when you're done with your birthday, then have a death birthday. Talk about what am I going to, what do I want, a death day.


Annalouiza 
Yeah, it is so important. Yeah. Because, you know, even if you have your, the same folks around you who you would choose, they may be uncomfortable by the time that that's happening for you. Right? Like it's nice to ask and not assume.

Wakil 
Exactly.

Rev Judith Laxer 
Absolutely. And also it's good to keep in mind and it's not an automatic that we're all going to live to be older, right? People do die young too. But if you are older and you're planning for your death, you want to look to who are the youth around you because you know, like I want my big sister to do everything for me, but she's six years older than I am. Not that means I'm gonna die first. She's gonna die first. I could die first. But you know, I'm hedging my bets on the younger people still being here a little bit more. So, you know, it's good to find who are the younger ones in my world that I can ask?...

Annalouiza 
Right.

Wakil 
Yeah.

Annalouiza 
Yeah. Well, that's a really good idea. So instead of becoming like old coots, we like really work at having intergenerational relationships because I feel like in our culture too, people tend to like stick to like a cohort of age. And yeah, I think that's another really great reason to plan for this, get to know some youth.

Wakil 
And they're so much fun. Very good.

Rev Judith Laxer 
Yeah, exactly. 

Okay, so here's the little poem that I have. I just found it recently and it's called You Did Not Leave Us by Kristin Corey. And it's a little poem, but to me it reads like a prayer.

You Did Not Leave Us

You may have left this world, but you are not gone.
And you may seem faraway, but we will always find you.
In dreams and old letters, in stories and songs.
You may have left this world, but you did not leave us.
You stayed in our hearts where you will forever live on.

Annalouiza 
Thank you for sharing that. Oh, it is a beautiful prayer.

Wakil 
Yes, beautiful.

Rev Judith Laxer 
And I found it to be beautiful too. Thank you so much for this invitation. It's just been such an honor to be able to talk with you and about what means so much to me and to know that these conversations are going on and held so beautifully by both of you. Thank you.

Annalouiza 
Thank you. We appreciate you.

Wakil 
Yeah, thank you. And if you know anybody else who feels interested in telling their story, please send them our way. 

Rev Judith Laxer 
I will, I will.