Made for Mothers
12. Styled Sobriety: Bonding over motherhood, style, and sobriety with Personal Stylist Ashley Ayres
Meet Ashley Ayres, a wife, mother of four, and the founder of Collectively Styled, a personal styling service aimed at assisting moms and female founders in developing a style strategy with supportive guidance. With two decades of experience in the style industry, Ashley empathizes with the myriad challenges women encounter while balancing motherhood, careers, and everything in between. Her journey took a transformative turn in 2020 when she embarked on a sober lifestyle (hello, Ashley 2.0), a decision that catalyzed the inception of her business.
In our conversation, Ashley and I delve into the emerging trend of sober curiosity, reflecting on our diverse experiences with alcohol and our shared navigation of sobriety, which have become pivotal chapters in our lives. We explore themes such as breaking generational trauma cycles within our families, crafting meaningful legacies, embracing individual style irrespective of one's motherhood phase, essential wardrobe staples, and more.
I deeply value Ashley's openness, sincerity, and commitment to personal growth and self-love, which radiate contagious energy. Through the Made for Mothers platform, I cherish the opportunity to engage in candid dialogues that highlight the multifaceted nature of motherhood, celebrating mothers as the remarkable individuals they are.
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Connect with Ashley on Instagram @collectivelystyledbyashley
Learn more about working with Ashley by visiting her website
Connect with me on Instagram
Learn more about booking a Biz Therapy session and working together by visiting my website
Meet Ashley Ayres, a wife, mother of four, and the founder of Collectively Styled, a personal styling service aimed at assisting moms and female founders in developing a style strategy with supportive guidance. With two decades of experience in the style industry, Ashley empathizes with the myriad challenges women encounter while balancing motherhood, careers, and everything in between. Her journey took a transformative turn in 2020 when she embarked on a sober lifestyle (hello, Ashley 2.0), a decision that catalyzed the inception of her business.
In our conversation, Ashley and I delve into the emerging trend of sober curiosity, reflecting on our diverse experiences with alcohol and our shared navigation of sobriety, which have become pivotal chapters in our lives. We explore themes such as breaking generational trauma cycles within our families, crafting meaningful legacies, embracing individual style irrespective of one's motherhood phase, essential wardrobe staples, and more.
I deeply value Ashley's openness, sincerity, and commitment to personal growth and self-love, which radiate contagious energy. Through the Made for Mothers platform, I cherish the opportunity to engage in candid dialogues that highlight the multifaceted nature of motherhood, celebrating mothers as the remarkable individuals they are.
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Connect with Ashley on Instagram @collectivelystyledbyashley
Learn more about working with Ashley by visiting her website
Connect with me on Instagram
Learn more about booking a Biz Therapy session and working together by visiting my website
Hey, I'm Ashley Ayers, the founder of Collectively Styled, a personal styling service to help moms and female founders craft a style strategy with an encouraging BFF by their side. Coupled with 20 years of experience in the style industry and with my own transformation as I parted ways with alcohol in 2020, I work with clients one-on-one in Northern Virginia as well as virtually across the country. I'm a mama for who has an understanding of the challenges women face in juggling motherhood and a career while navigating how to use personal style as one of their greatest tools.
Speaker 2:Hello and welcome to the Made for Mothers podcast, your one-stop shop for candid and relatable conversations about motherhood and entrepreneurship. Think of the show as your new mom friend, where we dive into all things marketing, branding, mindset, money, child care and growing your business. While we all navigate our roles as both CEO and mom. I'm your host, mariah Stockman, and I wear a bunch of hats. I'm a boy mama, I'm serving as a marketing mentor for mothers, I'm running a six-figure marketing agency and, on top of that, I'm the proud founder of the Made for Mothers community. This show is about sharing the real stories and the practical strategies from fellow mother-run businesses. So dive in, grab your headphones, reheat that coffee and let's go. Hello, hello, hello and welcome to another episode of the Made for Mothers podcast. I'm so excited to be having Ashley Ayers on as our guests today. Hi Ashley, hey Mariah, thanks for having me, thanks for being here. I'm so excited to talk. This is going to be such like a oh, I feel like a little nervous, a little bit today.
Speaker 1:Like we have been waiting a few months to connect on this right. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So you're a mom, you're a personal stylist, you're a part of our Made for Mothers community here locally. You're a friend. You're just like a hard driven charging business owner I love that mama for and you're also sober and we're going to talk about all things sober, curiosity and your journey have how all of that led to starting your business. So I would love for you just to share a little bit about you and your business and what you're all about.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, first can I just say that when you came to town, I fangirled all over you, so my first connection to you was actually through, I believe, chloe. Of course, I was like, yeah, chloe knows everybody. I was like who is this girl? And like I'm all what she's having, and it's just been such a beautiful build and connection over I don't even know the last, maybe six months or so, maybe a year, and I just love having you in my corner and I just love everything that you're doing. So I feel super honored to have this conversation and talk with you today.
Speaker 2:So I feel so the same. I feel so the same. You know, some friendships are like you know, some friendships are like lightning bolts you know what I mean. Like they're like fast and you know, like you know right away and it's like an instant connection. And then some of these friendships are like like bonfires or something like this, like slow build, burn, and I feel like you and I've had this like really slow, beautiful, like connecting, and it feels, I agree, it feels really good, like I'm always like, whenever you like DM me or whenever you're going to see you in person, I'm always like God.
Speaker 1:I just want to like hug you. It just keeps getting better and better. I know that's what I feel too. So thanks for saying that. Yeah, you got it Well.
Speaker 1:Unlike you, I am a native Northern Virginia gal. I grew up in Fairfax, I am the oldest of four girls and I really think that in my business and what I do, I actually kind of pulled from that like big sister quality. I think I definitely applied that to my track. Oh, I love that I'm out here in Loudoun County now. I started my personal styling business in 2021. I have four kiddos. I've got a 14 year old or 12 year old and now they've just turned. One is six and one turned five. So now it's weird saying that six and five year old. So I am in, like you know, the stage of motherhood where it's like teenage angst and like going through all the motion there, yet in like elementary school and trying to support and be there for my kids and somehow marry everything together, where we still feel like a really bonded family unit. So that's kind of where it's at. I've actually I married my friend's older brother.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow I didn't know that that's cool. So my in-laws are here and Mrs Ayers was my mom's friend, or my friend's mom, when I was 14. And I started dating my husband in our 20s, but I had a really good foundation. I've known the family for a really long time so I feel like that's pretty crazy. But we're definitely a team and it takes a team to make a family of six work and thrive.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that. I love that and I love watching how I like your family. I just I love when I you post like pictures of your family. I'm like I'm like an older mom. You know, I'm 38 and I have a almost two year old, but I feel like I was destined to have four kids Like I feel like I was destined to have this like big family, but I definitely have like a little bit of like some like grief. I feel like maybe under the surface, because I feel like that probably we probably won't get to four, just for you know timing and life circumstances of being a little bit of an older mom. I mean maybe. I mean who does? There's an actress out there who just had a baby at like 45. And I was like but I don't want to have a baby at 45.
Speaker 1:I'm fairly old. Yeah, that's a lot of energy for sure.
Speaker 2:I just want to have a baby at 40. But I love watching your family. I love watching what you know, the adventures you guys get into, and I just saw it was someone's birthday.
Speaker 1:I just did see, yeah, my son's birthday and talking about the grief, I definitely was feeling a little bit of that, like those toddler years are gone, it's over and now it's never going to happen again. I've been pretty fortunate where, like I'm like, oh well, I get to experience it again with another child, right. But those days are like really feeling like they're coming to a close and again it's like another evolution, another chapter. That's kind of how we move forward with it all.
Speaker 2:Totally. I mean there, we have no choice. It's interesting. I have to Like weird, because I can't wait for Henry to be five. I'm like, oh, little league, and I'm like wait a minute, stay baby, stay baby. So tell me a little bit about your business. I love your styling business. I love how you approach it. I love how you market it. I love, I love your journey, how you started. Let's talk a little bit about that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean well thank you for saying that I mean from you. It's a lot of living and learning right, and I'm very much like a self taught stylist. But this is something that's been in my life for a long time. My grandparents had a huge influence on me, both grandmothers. I learned how to kind of like sew and design from one, and then the other one was like this model and musician and brought this like glam. So I feel like it's the worlds that have collided, just kind of like the down home grandma and then I had like the glam grandma and then together and the same thing my parents and the same thing with my sisters like how you put yourself forward was always a very big deal in our family Did a lot with fashion and high school and ended up actually going to school and studying media studies. So that's kind of like where I thought I wanted to go and work in television and it's so weird how all these little steps that we've done in our lives kind of come together and now it's like I've got this like little business. That is really just like all these facets of the work that I've been doing over my entire life. I spent a lot of time with a company here locally that's an apparel company. So I worked a little bit in sales and just that human connection. That's always been something I've loved. My father was an entrepreneur, my grandfather was an entrepreneur. That has like always been in my blood. I just didn't know like how it was going to pan out, but I was that kid that got really amped to go and sell cookies and to go and sell wrapping paper and I mentioned this on a podcast. Like that kind of fire fueled me, but I just didn't know like how it was going to work. So I really just spent a lot of time like focusing and working with people, because that's really what lights me up, and then kind of like being a helper.
Speaker 1:I had my first two kids and I was still working full time out of the house and it was really hard. I knew that I was like not built for this. I really wanted to be more at home. It pained me to have to like bring them to daycare and I remember going out I worked in mosaic and Fairfax and I'd see these moms on the green with their kids having lunch and I felt that like mom guilt. As you know, somebody's taking care of my children and I want to be on that green and like having lunch. So there was always like this, like double-edged sword. I just didn't know how it was going to look. So I started working with an apparel and accessories company and that was like really like my first taste I think after having two children of getting my style back. I'd kind of like lost my groove and I was going through the motions. I mean, so you get the kids to daycare, you know, get them picked up, work, work, you know, live for the weekends, and it just was like such a rat race.
Speaker 1:I had this like side hustle. That was kind of building and that was going really well and I was like gosh, this is helping me like mentally, physically, and it's also bringing in some extra income. And we had a conversation, you know, with my husband and I was like, look, I really think I need to transition and be at home. We had just moved out to South Friday. I was missing that connection with my kids at school. I dropped them off and kind of like didn't know like what was going on there. And then I found that after I was able, fortunately enough, I would be able to go ahead and leave my full time job and my husband and I said, you know, if I can kind of keep the success or something going be home with the kids, this is going to be like a much better fit. So I kind of like call that time in my life like my style, my Ashley, like 1.0.
Speaker 2:Oh, I love that and oh my gosh, like raise your hand if anyone relates to just being like a new mom is like lost their style and lost their identity. And and the time also, just like the time and the fatigue and all of it. It's such a hustle Just having a child and being a woman and wanting to yes, like wanting to put your best foot forward but also needing to get everyone in the car and everyone fed and bags packed Right.
Speaker 1:I totally understand from my moms that I work with, that are like in that part and something like me comes along and, like I said, kind of like being like your best friend, like a big sister attitude. I get it to be very approachable in how it feels because I've been there, I understand right. But I'm like kind of You've been there four times, oh my gosh, yeah, my body has changed, like so many things have changed. But when you have somebody by your side to kind of like walk you through, then I think it really helps to kind of just make it feel a little bit better. And I ask for things, I ask you to do tough stuff, but it's only for the sake of, I know, helping you move forward in your style journey. So I love that, so that was actually one point.
Speaker 2:That was one point now. Yeah, how did we get from Ashley one point and Ashley two point? I'm curious.
Speaker 1:So in that period I really was finding that women were coming to me for more than just accessories. They were asking me questions, they wanted to know more about like getting ready or where I got things or how I put something together. That was like a really big one and I think inside of me this idea of like really being able to serve on a bigger scale was it was there, but I had no clue how to do it. So that was kind of like in the back of my head. We kind of had this time where we lost a lot of folks my grandma had passed, my uncle had passed.
Speaker 1:I was at this place with my body where I was like you know what? I just want to be free of, like anything artificial inside of me. I don't want any hormones, I don't want to be taking birth control, Like I don't want to be doing any of that kind of stuff. And I was like I'm going to go to the doctor, I'm going to get this ID out, and it was like at the time it expired and I was like you know what would that look like? You know what, if we had another baby? Like let's just kind of see what happens and didn't happen Right.
Speaker 1:We got pregnant with our third just about, I guess, six months after I had left my company full time, so that was like a huge shift. But watching my older babies for anybody that's ever concerned about like how it would look with a big age gap I say, go for it. I'm also the product of that. My sister and I are 17 months apart. My mother they had my parents had a six-month gap or six-year gap, and then my third and fourth sister came along and I have such wonderful memories.
Speaker 1:So, your kids are like what's the age difference of your.
Speaker 2:I think they're eight years, eight years, okay, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's like my husband's family is like that he's big.
Speaker 2:There's cool gaps.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and Mark's family. Actually, my husband is like that too, so but I just love the idea of like seeing them like that. You know, the pregnancy was good and pretty uneventful and then, when my daughter was five months old, we found out a little surprise, that we were pregnant again. So my body had been through my IUD.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my body had been through a lot, and Her, oh my goodness, it's a little bit of a blur and I think back on it, but I really do think and I say this and I know it sounds kind of cheesy, but like I think my son my fourth was here to like, save me, like I think his arrival and like the things that I have had to learn through my son's eyes and through that lens.
Speaker 1:He's got a lot of different special needs that we've kind of come across and kind of walking through all the motions Through that. It's very stressful, it's very hard. I figured I've done this before three times and this little guy is throwing everything at us. So you know, I guess kind of tying that into the alcohol and kind of the way that I've coped for like my whole life. Sure, you know, alcohol has always been in the background. It was there to celebrate, it was there when things were hard, it was there to cry. You know, like whatever it was like, alcohol has been my best friend and I feel like I've almost had like a death when I had to part ways and decided to break up with alcohol.
Speaker 2:How many years ago? How many, how many years ago did you have?
Speaker 1:How long did you get over? So in 2020, in December of 2020, what had happened was I was definitely suffering from some postpartum stuff. That pregnancy brought up a lot of anxious feelings and things I have never experienced before, and people would talk about anxiety. I didn't get it.
Speaker 2:And people do talk about how every pregnancy is so different with your hormones. Just because you have postpartum anxiety or depression or rage or prenatal depression in one pregnancy may not happen in another and vice versa. So it probably felt so seasoned Like, oh, I got that, like you were saying right, oh my gosh, what a shock yeah.
Speaker 1:So I decided to talk to somebody and I ended up getting, you know, prescribed something for to help me out. And I think that that combination with the amount that I was drinking, because I remember I remember nursing and I remember trying to I actually nursed the longest with my son because I knew that when it stopped that meant the booze was allowed again and I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust myself. So I think I kind of kept stretching it and stretching it and stretching it, because throughout my pregnancies, obviously, you know, I was not drinking when I was nursing, you know I wasn't doing any of those things. And I guess, almost in a way too, pregnancy was a departure from alcohol, but it was. I didn't look at it the same way, it was because I had to it wasn't a talking choice.
Speaker 2:No, it was because I want to.
Speaker 1:Oh right, yeah, I kind of just decided in November of 2020, I was like I need to get off this medicine and I need to stop the drinking. I was like one of them has to give because I am just like not myself. I was feeling blackout. I was drinking earlier and earlier during COVID, you know. I mean it was a party. You know it was a party all the time and the planning that went into conditioning my body to get ready for those nights where I knew I was going to tie one on, oh, it was a hard day. Nighttime with my son was so hard. Bath time, so three o'clock, that's when you know I would start drinking and I'd be cooking and it would be. You know I love my vodka martinis, and then it would be beer the next night and then wine and I had this like rotation and I think back to the amount of energy and planning and how stupid and how much it took away from my life, from my children. Like it sounds surface, but it's so. It's so much deeper than that. So I just kind of I just kind of decided I have to stop. And on December 14th in 2020, before the biggest you know celebration with the holidays. I was like we got to, I got to try this, I got to try this.
Speaker 1:I had a horrible hangover that prior day and it was in front of like all of my kids' kids they are my kids' friends. They had one of them had spent the night. We had been out, did a little neighborhood drinking tour. I had a huge Yeti filled with like vodka and cranberry and rosemary, which that combination, if I smell it, doesn't work anymore. But I woke up on the couch, I remember, and his friend was like looking at me and I was like oh my God, this is mortifying, like it's just not good.
Speaker 1:So I just I had to really evaluate my relationship and I think in the last few months I had been looking over Instagram and that was really where I started to see real people like me show up and I was able to kind of say like oh, what is this whole super curious thing about? I think I might want to know more about it and, lucky for me, I had a really good friend who had actually just gone through her own sobriety journey about a year before. So I really tie like having that mentor and coach to this same kind of service I provide for my clients, because you need a helping hand. Sometimes I needed somebody to talk to who understood, you know. So I just I don't know. I was very thankful for that experience, but I haven't really turned back since.
Speaker 2:That's so incredible, ashley, and you know you and I have talked about this privately, like you know, I think it's one of the first conversations we might have had together, but and it's not something that I share, not from a place of like oh, it's not like an intentional decision not to share, but I just it's not like a leading story in my life. But I've been sober for almost 10 years and actually when people, when I tell people I don't drink, now it's just, it's so just who I am, like I just don't drink. But they, I always feel like it's like, they're like oh, I don't even know you, like, that's such a huge part of you, I didn't even know that Like people will know me for like six months to a year and they won't even know that I don't drink because it's not like I say like it's just not like the leading story, hotline of like who I am anymore and something you and I talked about. I asked you I said do you know, do you identify with being an alcoholic? And you asked me if I identify with being an alcoholic. And I think in these, in these conversations, there's a lot of labeling and there's a lot of like right way and wrong way and there's a lot of categories and there's a lot of grouping right. So I don't identify with being an alcoholic. I'm not an AA. I've been assumed that I was an alcoholic. I've been assumed that I was an AA.
Speaker 2:When I say that I'm sober but I also I fall on like the different spectrum of alcoholism where I was raised in it and when I was, you know, in my early 20s I did a lot of therapy and a lot of self-reflection and a lot of recovery and I found Alenon and found like my own 12 step programs which it is an anonymous program. So of course I don't talk about like that part of it like very much because it is a very like private, beautiful, safe. Oh my gosh, what a wonderful 12 step program. There's great meetings here in Loudoun County. But I'm from California where the recovery scene is so big and beautiful and bright and robust and kind of second nature, like I come from like a very party beach town. So you know most of my best friends are in some sort of program recovery and that's just normal. It's just it's so normalized there.
Speaker 2:But when I moved here it's like it was like shell shock for me. I had like a deep grieving process of not having like a sober community around me. But it's interesting because something you and I talked about, like I just said. I said do you identify with being an alcoholic? And what did you say when I like do you identify with being an alcoholic?
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I mean that word is definitely strong and it's hard and like you're talking about all these labels that are out, we've got labels on our kids like labels on everything right, but I don't say that I'm an alcoholic, but it is kind of an interesting conversation to be had the same thing with sober. I was really kind of scared to use that word. And let me just say this like your journey is freaking beautiful and like all the things that you've gone through, everybody's journey is their own and everybody's journey is unique. Some people might say you know well, you can't use that word right Cause you're not working a program. Like everybody has different ways that they've gone about it. I just try to stay true to myself and like my own values and what works for me.
Speaker 2:Like I know a lot of people who would look at your story and it would say like, oh, she's never gonna stay sober because she didn't go to AA.
Speaker 2:Or like there's this term of white knuckling, right? I don't know if you ever called it white knuckling, oh, or like dry drunk, right? Oh, they're a dry drunk because they're not in a program of recovery. And I feel like, yes, AA is a life saving program for so many and I have seen it work miracles, miracles in people's lives and it's not required of everybody, and I love, I love what's happening in society right now. Like I am like raising this huge, sober, curious lag. I wanna like lead that march of this conversation that feels so much more accessible, so much more mainstream. All of a sudden, you have, like Katy Perry and Blake Lively coming out of these, like you know, someone else I can't remember, but you know, yeah, these like mocktail mixers that have like botanicals and essential Adaptogens.
Speaker 1:Adaptogens. Yeah, I mean that's cool, like that curiosity, and I come from. I used to bartend. I was in the hospitality scene when I was, you know, starting at 16. So I've been hanging around it. It's been part of my life. I was a bartender. So I love creating and mixing and that just probably also goes back to my love of entertaining. I still love having people over and I wanna have like a little drink and something.
Speaker 1:And I know for some folks that's hard, like not everybody can do a non-alcoholic wine, not everybody can do a non-alcoholic beer. You do you right, like you do what works for you. But I have a little bit of a platform that I've developed and I find so many women are asking questions and they are very curious about this lifestyle. So I had to kind of get over that hump of like even being willing to kind of share this, because in the back of my head, yes, I am maybe white-knuckling and thinking like, is it gonna be forever? What if I fall off? But when that happens, you know, you try and, like they say, play the tape forward of how that day is gonna be and I don't wanna feel sick and tired. And that was like the point that it had gotten to. I wasn't showing up as a good parent, like I just was dragging and there just would have never have been collectively styled. The personal styling service would have never happened if I still had alcohol in my life.
Speaker 1:And I think from like kind of talking to entrepreneurs and reading stories, you're finding that a lot of entrepreneurs are like putting down the drink and that's kind of exciting to see. Like Craig Bonnevere from Southern Charm, like he's talking about, like how he's, I'm like sweet. More people need to talk about this, because Bravo honestly is probably one of the most triggering shows right now for me. Between you know the amount of alcohol and just like all the things that ensue after it. I don't need that drama, something beautiful and you're almost there two years or when you're gonna turn 40, but this like idea of like the second version of myself, right like this Ashley 2.0, something happened at 40. I went to Key West, kicked it up, did all this crazy stuff with my girlfriends and then you know who would have known in December of that same year that I was like no thanks, and my girls have been awesome about it. I never feel like I'm not invited to something I never feel outdid for any reason. Is it difficult to be in certain situations?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, when you sometimes start seeing like everybody's, like, okay, it's going downhill and there's a part of you that's like and I get to drive home and I get to leave, yeah, and I get to go to bed, and I get to go to bed, I sleep and I get to wake up, great, yeah. Yeah, my experiences were just different. Like I did not have to make like a conch, like I'm not an alcoholic, I did not have to make a conscious I always say this around like my sobriety birthday. So August 31st, which is also now my wedding anniversary, but August 31st will be 10 years. So amazing, mark, thanks. And then that 10 year mark, I do have a celebration for myself and sometimes we'll post on, like my personal Facebook page, about how aware I am that I did not have to come to this really heavy, hard decision. I did not have to struggle to put a drink down or I didn't have to struggle to like plug the jug. They say I just made a choice because I don't have that. They call it like a thirst or whatever. You know there's like this unquenchable thirst and alcoholism. That's what they talk about in AA and I didn't have to make this really hard decision to stop drinking. It wasn't like a slave to it. I don't have that like addictive component to it.
Speaker 2:I had a desire and I've talked about on this podcast before in like more vague terms around stopping and ending like generational patterns and trauma in my family of origin and trying to do things that look wildly different for my family unit and my son and me as a mother. And I don't want alcoholism to be like a main storyline in my family that I'm building now. I'm building it very differently and I don't want my son to grow up in an environment where that is common or the thread or the eggshells that people are walking on or the secrets that we're hiding. I don't want him like at some point I talked to my husband, like at some point I'm gonna have to sit Henry down and talk to him about his family tree so he understands that these qualities and characteristics of alcoholism and addiction exist, but I don't want him to know it upfront and personal and witness it and watch it. You know what I mean. And I don't want him to see my reactions and how I feel and create resentments and sadness and grief and things that I had to experience as a child, like I don't want that storyline to continue and continue and continue. We've made really, really bold choices, my husband and I, about where we raise our family and how we do this, and my sobriety really matters to me. But around that anniversary of my sobriety, I always honor and acknowledge how hard it is for people to actually step away from drinking and how hard it is to actually put it down, and how millions and millions and millions of people are affected and their families are affected and everyone who comes in contact with them are affected. No matter how you get sober, it's a beautiful, beautiful door to walk through and I think what's interesting is your.
Speaker 2:It sounds like 20, year three, right? Is that what you said? Yeah, I've said three years. The first three years were weird for me because, just because I wasn't abusing alcohol, I still drank in social settings and had friends that that's just what we did. We went wine tasting and we did this and all of a sudden, those friends that I thought I was really close, it's like they weren't my friend, even though I'm not an alcoholic, you know, I'll never forget. I gotta tell you the story really fast. Was at a bar. See, I'm 38, so I must have been like 28 or 27 when I got. When I stopped drinking, I was 27.
Speaker 1:Amazing at that age, but I had that border, oh for ages when I was 27,.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. Anyways, I was at a bar and this guy was like, talking to me and he was like, hey, can I buy you a drink? And I was like, no, thanks, I don't drink. And he was like, oh, are you friends with Bill W which is a AA joke, because Bill W is the founder of AA, right? And I remember looking at him and I remember being like no, but I'd probably be really good friends with his wife, you know and saying like no, I'm not an alcoholic, but I would relate to being like married to one or being around one a lot.
Speaker 2:So, anyways, I just love this, I love this conversation, I love that it's a safe space to have this and anyone who's listening. If you do have any questions about Alanon or 12 step programs or I'm definitely not like the poster child of either of those things, and actually I don't think that that's what you're saying about yourself either but it sounds like you are really safe space to talk about like sober, curious, sober curiosity, which is what is being talked about right now. And it's dry January. Still, it's still January.
Speaker 1:Someone is on their 24th day of dry January and hopefully they're not, like you know, kicking their way out of it and just like counting down the days backwards. Hopefully, you know, you can reflect and kind of learn something about yourself. I really think I had to get to know myself again. I had to know what it felt like to maybe deal with hard days and take on the hard stuff without numbing out from it. So when I say it was like the death of somebody, it felt like the death of somebody. It felt like saying goodbye to something that had been such a huge part of my existence, my being, my behavior, like just ingrained everywhere I looked and now all of a sudden it's like not there, but you know, just talking about like raising a family and stuff.
Speaker 1:So when I, you know, started this whole journey three years ago, Cole, my oldest one, was 11 and Carrington must have been nine and they were my biggest cheerleaders. Now they didn't really know like a ton of what was going on, but they knew to me that like mommy just was not drinking wine anymore she wasn't drinking, you know, whatever and to be maybe that role model for them. I think that that's like kind of huge. And he's now a freshman in high school and we have very open conversations, like about what drinking looks like and I don't know. I try and be pretty open with them. What's his?
Speaker 1:like, take on it, like is he experiencing in school you know like he's entering the stage where I know certain things are starting to show up at, like the little gatherings and stuff. And you know, I'm just trying to be a voice of reason, like just saying I'm a piece of sports kid too, right, it's just not a good path to go down, it's just not a good place to put yourself in. I'm trying to do what I didn't do. Yeah, so there's lots of conversations around that, but then also, just like all those years that I was doing really stupid stuff, like I'm kind of jealous that you get to have this clear mind and these beautiful births. Well, I know your birth story. I think it's traumatic but, you know, beautiful like.
Speaker 2:I get what you're saying.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I just I kind of got to miss out on that because I think there was just a lot of like a blur was kind of happening and the kids were always around when we were having people over and it was like kids are always, you know, adults are upstairs partying and then the kids are off like playing, doing God knows what, and it's just like kind of hands off. And that, I think, is still happening, although I think the next generation, I think they're not really into alcohol and they're not really using it like kids that were born, I think, in like the 80s and the 70s are and it was just everything right, the partying, that whole scene. Now we're seeing a generation that I think is saying no.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So that's been kind of I know, and there's also like scarier things happening with like fentanyl and I mean I get really, oh my God, there's just. I mean there's a whole story that's so scary. But something that you said that I'm really proud of and like when I hear you talk about this, is I think the difference in what I'm hearing from the generational difference is we grew up in households where we just didn't talk about these things, right, and we were off limits. These, these are, these are adult conversations and then there's kid conversations, right, and I think what it sounds like is something that you and I share is how are we going to be raising our family, like, what are the, the guiding principles in our family units Around transparency and openness and communication, and how are we creating these like family norms where these conversations don't feel off limits, right?
Speaker 2:I love that you and your son can have these talks and that hopefully, he feels super safe with you and can ask you questions and knows that he can always call you if he's in a bind, and oh yeah, and I think there was just a lot of like hiding in our families, you know, like don't get caught, and this is bad and this is wrong, but I, I just always want my son and hopefully, if we have more kids, I always want my son to know oh, mom's on speed dial, you know what I mean. Like mom's there, like not. I mean obviously I would love for him to never, ever drink. But you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:But you know I'd love for him like realistic about it, but being realistic and my husband drinks and that's something you and I talk, my husband does too my husband drinks and I love when he's buzzed, like I'm definitely having a totally unique perspective of like I'm probably the only wife who prefers her husband, like I like going to wineries Like I'm not, but again like I don't like that trigger right, and so I love when he like gets a little, a little tipsy. He's like so fun and you know I miss that.
Speaker 1:I miss that.
Speaker 1:And actually with the snow, I find that the weather can be like super triggering for me, because I think it's like you're bored and like what would you want to do?
Speaker 1:And I'll say, hey, I need, I want to get smashed today, like I really wanted to drink bad. I'm pretty open with him and I'll tell him like when I'm having those hard thoughts, or I'll tell my mentor like I'll reach out to her and just be like it's like I don't know, I really want to. And she checked on me actually the other day when she knew the snow was coming to see how things were going, because those were the days that I'd be like it's on or this is really weird, but I cleaned the crap out of my house yesterday or two days ago before my in-laws got here, and that was like a reward. A bottle of wine would have been a reward for me because I had a really hard day, like I worked really hard cleaning and that was like my reward. And it's so sick and when I think back, but that's like how I used to do.
Speaker 2:Do you have a new system for rewards? I'm curious, have you ever replaced?
Speaker 1:shopping.
Speaker 2:Yeah, sure, well, I mean I love. But really though, like it's, they are neural pathways, they are just ingrained ways that our brain connects to thoughts together.
Speaker 1:I do this, I get this right, yeah, and I recognize it and I try and flip the script. I try and flip the script. So I have poured myself into like personal growth type things, whether that is doing like a YouTube meditation or going attending yoga or putting myself out for things that aren't necessarily like me at a winery, but it's me like at a retreat. I would have never thought I was a girl like attending retreats and things like that. So I had to be kind to my body and with that came just like this evolution of like Ashley 2.0, where I said, like when I put down the drink, I purged and cleaned the house and that was like a therapeutic clean I've gotten rid of any piece of clothing that was, you know, rose all day, like I just I had to like remove, like all of that and it took a little while to get there because, again, that death of like putting those things away and be like, yep, she's done.
Speaker 1:What if I mess up again? What if I have another drink again? Oh, but that T-shirt means absolutely nothing. So I think you can let it go right. But like those, those thoughts kind of go through your head and now I'm like you know I've built this business and I'm building more of an intentional wardrobe that feels like the person I am today and a lot of that goes back to you know wanting to bring in like more thoughtful pieces in my wardrobe. I want fabrics that you know look a certain way, or I love like giving new life to an old piece.
Speaker 2:And I grew up, very much I was thinking about that recently yeah Like vintage, your vintage sort of I just like love of thrifting.
Speaker 1:Journey and thrifting and yeah, I love the thrill of a hunt, which is probably good for anybody that has worked with me and knows like my personal shopping it takes a little bit of time because I put so much thought and effort into like making sure those pieces align with their values. You know it's going to work for their lifestyle, all that kind of stuff. I love the thrill of the hunt and you know, when you go into a shop like TJ Maxx or you know a thrift shop or something like that, like there is this like high that I get from it so just kind of like leaning into that and luckily I have a business that's like kind of built around it. But you know, growing up I was the oldest, like I said, of four and a lot of my hand me downs came from my cousins.
Speaker 1:I was not able to shop at like the cool places. Everybody was going to the mall and getting, like, you know, limited and bridges and like all these cool places and I hated it, like I hated that. That just wasn't, you know, part of what we could do. So I had to make the most of what was either given to me or I had to make something kind of feel cool in a way where it didn't always cost a lot. So I think that is also something that's a big value that I hold, especially in my business, is, like you know, you don't have to have a lot to be able to look good and feel good.
Speaker 2:So I kind of pulled from that let's talk a little bit about. Let's like shift gears, let's talk a little bit about style and in motherhood and moms, Do you have like a general criteria or baseline of this is what you should invest in? And this is sort of what you can buy Like what should I be buying? That's like quality and what can I buy that's more. I don't know Like where's what you can kind of get away with.
Speaker 1:Yes, I think that like first, like understanding your personal style requires. Do you understand your personal style? Yes, it's a process and it's not something that happens overnight. And we're like, when I talk with clients too, like it's, it's this evolution and I think that for a lot of like the moms that I'm talking with, everybody has just kind of like dropped their style because of time, because of lack of time, lack of budget, just upset with like where their body is at. Body image is a huge thing. A lot of the things I sometimes say. I'm like more like a therapist, like a style therapist, versus somebody who's just styling you. It is so much more than just clothes. Like I am trying to help you work through some things in your mind and it always happens and it's the coolest moment. But whether I'm in person in your closet or I am virtually working through your closet, there's this point where we're like kind of going through the motions and stuff and then I call it like my closet confessionals.
Speaker 1:This is when it gives me the chills Like this is when this like breakthrough happens that's your podcast title, by the way, for sure. When a woman looks at me and they start to feel safe and I've got that empathy for them, that's the number one thing right, that I'm there to help them feel safe and they share something deep with me and people have cried with me. There has been so many breakthroughs and it's like, once we get there, I'm like yes, like that's what's been holding you back. Yes, like that's why you haven't been able to move forward. So like there's just this whole inward process of peeling back layers and really getting to know yourself again, and it's hard to do that on your own, but I forced you to do that and I forced you to get there. So you're kind of like walking through to figure out, like what feels right.
Speaker 1:Oh, the reason I haven't worn this is because somebody said I should buy it, but it never felt like me, or maybe that was like the person that I was two years ago. But yeah, lifestyle's changed and COVID is over and you know, those, those sweatpants don't bring the energy that I need to feel good today, right, like I mean, I know we're not on video, but I've got shoes on. I'm dressed up like I'm cute. Thank you, I need that. I do have sweatpants.
Speaker 2:Help me show up. I have actually, I have leopard, oh my God.
Speaker 1:Oh, stop Leopard leggings, they're fun. So like, yeah, I mean like understanding your personal style, like why did Mariah choose those leopard sweatpants and why did like Betsy, down the road, choose the one with stripes? Like there's just like little things, and I really love how you can try and bring your personal style out in different ways so it shows up whether you're in your workout gear or whether you're going to like a gala or you're going to a made from mothers need up, right, like how can you make sure that, like you know, you're not going to be like you're sprinkling in what feels right for you? So, I think, investment pieces I'm not going to say, like you know, invest in a blazer if you never wear a blazer. But whatever your choice of outerwear is if it's a moto jacket, you know, if it's a denim jacket those third layers, I think, are really important and can kind of help, you know, set the stage.
Speaker 1:Third, layers, as in like the bras the first, you call the bra the first layer and I would just call it any top, or like a blazer or a sport coat or a denim jacket. This is like your third layer. So you've got yeah, you've got your t-shirt on, your pants, your skirt, and then your third layer is usually the top, or but shoes. I think shoes are a really great investment, and for a lot of women too, I think. You know you always kind of stay the same shoe size, no matter what happened. I think shoes are like a safe.
Speaker 2:They're like a safe. Remember that. What was that? That movie with Cameron Diaz, uh, you know, in her shoes, and it was like Cameron, do you ever see that? Oh my gosh, you have to see it. You never seen it? Oh my gosh. It's like Cameron Diaz is actually like the drunk mess. And then she has like the super type A sister who has like body issues, but she's like the lawyer, you know, and her closet is like amazing, the type A sister, and she there's like this real emotional moment she has. She has like hundreds of like you know, prada pumps and things like that and she always says like, yeah, I love shoes because I think my feet, I always fit.
Speaker 2:They always fit. It ends up being a very transformational and beautiful movie. I can't believe it. Oh, can we just like have a girl's night and watch that, or girls? I?
Speaker 1:don't know where she ends up.
Speaker 2:like Mary, I'm getting it confused with another one but she gets married but she ends up moving in with her mom or grandma who lives in like a old folks home and anyways no.
Speaker 1:I haven't seen all that Okay, but shoes are like and right now I think shoes are having such an evolution too, with just really fun like sporty sneakers and like fact-in sneakers and different ways to show up so I think that's really big. I definitely think getting a bra fitting and undergarments is huge. I've graduated to higher-waisted underwear because I really like the smooth lines that they give me. So those are a few places where I would say, but I think, like for blouses, you don't have to be spending a ton there. I would invest in some of those other pieces.
Speaker 2:Shoes, undergarments and third, layers.
Speaker 1:Like a top or your third piece, like whatever that looks interesting for you.
Speaker 2:You know, what's interesting about what you just said is I feel like the word on the street for so many years was you should buy really expensive jeans.
Speaker 1:Oh, I mean, I think denim would be like a close-up. I definitely think that there is something, don't you think?
Speaker 2:people don't like moms, don't like to buy high-cost denim, because our bodies are constantly changing, especially around where we have babies, and like the mom pooch and like all of that technology.
Speaker 1:I do get that, but I would say like, if denim is a big part of your wardrobe, like it makes sense for your lifestyle, I will say that there is a difference from like a really crappy old navy pair to something that you can get that's more premium and just invest in one. Good American is a great brand to help for moms, really helps hug the curves and, honestly, just giving yourself permission to buy the size. I talk to so many women. I'm like well, how are you getting ready every day? Like no wonder you have nothing to wear because you've refused to buy something because of a stupid size. And guess what? Like retail is making it really difficult. You could be a size six and one brand a size eight. I'm a size like 31 and some made well in a size 33. Like it's really confusing. Cut off the tag if you have to. It doesn't matter. Fit is everything and you need to get ready for your day.
Speaker 2:I hate denim, I hate jeans. I don't know what that is about. I put me in a dress every single day, or put me in like yeah. So it's just like such a funny, but maybe it's because I don't have the right denim, you know it takes so many tries and you have to be willing.
Speaker 1:So obviously going into a Nordstroms or ordering them at home is actually what I really suggest. I know that sounds like a pain and if you've got the budget to do it, nordstrom has a really great return policy. Get them at home. You've got your booties, you've got your boots, you've got your shoes and you're in your stuff. Have a seat of your own room, in your own home. Get yourself dressed up. Don't do it when you're like unshoured and you don't even have a bra on, like making an experience, like actually try things on and it will come together a little bit better. But you've got to try like kiss a lot of frogs till you can find your princess. What I would say and I know for myself.
Speaker 1:I've identified some brands that work for me. I help my clients like go through that same process as well, but those clothes have energy behind them and they are a tool, as I say, and if you're not using your clothing as a tool, you're doing yourself a disservice. I have watched my clients go on and do some crazy good things. In fact, one of my last clients I was working with virtually she got an offer for a job. While we were in one of our consult calls she was like, oh my gosh, they're calling. We had, like just two weeks before, helped her out with a suit, a banging little outfit. She felt good, the energy was there and I watched the whole thing happen, like on Zoom. It was so crazy.
Speaker 2:I totally believe in this. I totally believe in like manifestation and where you put your energy and like the energy that you put out there. Like it's crazy how not in like in a style way, but it's crazy how, like, I've said something to someone like, oh, this is once I've made it public and I've made it known. You know, I just have to tell one person out loud you know, typically not my husband, because he can only think so much of like this stuff all day along, all my crazy ideas but I have to tell someone, I have to tell someone who is, like, you know, a big dreaming entrepreneur and who's a mom, and I have to, like, I have this crazy idea and then, all of a sudden, something will happen and there'll be a sign and it'll take shape, or I'll get an email like, hey, do you want to be a part of this thing, or anyway. So I totally believe that and I have had personal experiences. I speak on stages, I, you know, leading groups, I am very forward facing in terms of, you know, being seen outside of like a digital space, and I know how I feel when I love my outfit and I know how I feel when I don't. And what's interesting is it comes across in the photos and in the videos and all of the assets that get created after that event as well. And then you have an association with all of those photos and videos and da, da, da, da, da, da, da da. After the fact, that can also hinder you from then marketing yourself based on that really cool Like, like you could get an amazing public speaking event. You know you could speak on the biggest stage of your career. And if you don't like your outfit, you are going to pause and you're going to think to yourself like, ooh, do I really want to share this? And it's so weird because, I mean, it's not weird and it's not vain and it's not shallow. These are like real honest conversations that women are having with themselves.
Speaker 2:There is a lot of fear in sharing and showing up online and showing up on video and showing up, and showing up, and showing up because of the way that we feel about ourselves. And there's a lot of work that needs to be done in a lot of different avenues. It's mindset, it's therapy, it's this, it's having the right circle, it's changing norms, it's changing, it's societal pressure, all of these things, but the fact that you would even pause in sharing this career moment or this professional moment or this thought leadership moment that could propel you even farther down your road of purpose and passion and design. It's a bummer, you know it's a bummer, but I love to just to back it up like two things. I love this idea of a knowing your style and I love this idea of a curated closet.
Speaker 2:So how do people work with you? What does that look like? What should people be expecting in terms of, like, an investment price point around this? Because I think also, that's a, this is a very you're, oh my gosh, like you are a niche business girl. I love it, I love a good niche, but I think that because it's niche, people don't understand how much it, how much would they have to invest, you know? So, getting a personal style, having a curated closet, I love gosh. I mean, doesn't that just make everyone feel so good to think about their closet and be like, mmm, it's curated, like I would freaking love that? How do they work with you and what should they expect in that sense?
Speaker 1:Well, hopefully, I think, just from you know, if you're listening to this podcast, you can probably see. You know, everybody is very different in how they are. A personal stylist, right, like you can tell, I definitely come across with a lot of empathy. I come along with a lot of support and very high touch and very hands on. I think that my approach is keeping it kind of fun, kind of coming from it as like that big sister, that best friend, because I think that most people feel like a stylist is not for them, it's for the celebrities or it's, you know, it's something that's like out of their league for them. And you know, in order to work with me, I've got different packages that I work from and I really want to make sure that I'm meeting them where they're at. I'm not just going to suggest something to you because it's like my biggest path package. I would never do anything like that. Right, it starts with a conversation. It starts with me understanding and you kind of like applying to even work with me so that I can make sure we're a good match. There's been folks where I'm like you know what, I don't think I'm the right energy for you. Right, I don't think I'm quite the right person for you, but if I feel like there's a good connection and it makes sense, then I definitely, you know, share more and offer.
Speaker 1:My biggest package, I would say, is my transformational package, and that is about four to five weeks and that was the one that this client she just came out of. You know, she was really in a bad place. She's a book author. She knew that she was going to be going on tour and she needed to show up, and I think that's where a stylist can make a difference. Like I help women stand out, I help you show up and then, like you talked about, like all these amazing like ripple effects that come from that I've seen it with other clients. I have a fabulous story I might share in a sec and she also too, just to kind of back up, like this particular client, as you were talking about taking apart your photos.
Speaker 1:We went through on our first Zoom call or second Zoom call and she was telling me she was like you see, this cover of this book, I hated that shirt. Oh, you see this talk that I did on YouTube, like I hate what I had on and it's so sad and so disheartening that, like the message was so normal and so common, I know, and you pay all this money and you want to show up on social and all this stuff. But here we go again with. She just texted me yesterday. She was doing this like formal panel interview. She was like did you see how much of a badass I look like? And I was like, yes, yes, I love that. And you didn't believe that that was even possible, you know, a few months ago. So that's transformation.
Speaker 1:Right, like that transformation that happens. It's beautiful. And, as an entrepreneur and somebody that doesn't have a boss, when I have those reactions, my clients are like that feedback and that sounding board. I don't have anybody here patting me on the back being like, oh good job, ash. Oh, you booked a client, great. That kind of stuff really fuels me. So that's like a larger package that I offer and it's something I can do virtually and in person, and some smaller stuff.
Speaker 1:I love just getting in your closet and basically helping you just to kind of weed out what makes sense. Hey, what are the things that I need to keep current, what's missing? I was in a closet in Maryland and we're doing like a whole gaps list of things that she's doesn't have to like never get ready. So now I'll come back. She's got a digital closet, just like shares closet that we had on, you know, on um playlist. It's cool. They can come in and they access and there's pictures of their items that are uploaded. Oh, I love that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, when we're creating outfits, it's like so cool to be able to take what they have and that's like good. And then I can marry in some of the new pieces and I have an idea of your budget. I'm not going to offer things that don't make sense for you. So that's a really fun package. And then also just like outfit pairing, because people like they don't want to buy anything new and I just come in and I'm like it's fresh eyes. They always say, oh my gosh, I never would have put it together like that. Oh, you know how come I didn't. I didn't think of it that way. So that offer and kind of pulling from my own you know wardrobe, where it's like trying to make things stretch or trying to make things look good, even if it's not the newest and it's not the coolest, but making it still feel like you, that's another service that I have.
Speaker 2:It's so funny because every time I see you I'm always like she's so new, she's so cool.
Speaker 1:I'm not and I'm going to be exactly like people. Exactly, I knew it.
Speaker 2:My new cool friend.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you, that's a compliment, but like, really just kind of like again I'm in my own style journey again, kind of like looking for pieces. I want things that feel unique and don't just feel like every you know stylist or influencer has, and some people have bigger budgets and that's great. I think you have to be happy and comfortable with where you're at and what you have and figure out how it helps you to show up as authentically as possible.
Speaker 2:Oh, I love it. Well, ashley, I just appreciate you so much and I appreciate your honesty and I appreciate your depth and I appreciate your experience and this is I mean obviously this feels like two podcasts and one like this Friday, and then we're talking about personal styling and like confidence and mindset and all that, but it's all intertwined into these personal stories around mother and around the mom behind the business. And you know, my goal for the Made for Mothers podcast is always to just have a platform where honest conversations are, you know, on the forefront and that the dialogue is happening, and I think that women and moms are multifaceted. So, yes, it makes sense to me that you can talk about postpartum anxiety and you can talk about sobriety and you can talk about leaving corporate and you can talk about styling and being your own boss, all within like an hour episode, because guess what? That's like most moms.
Speaker 2:I mean that you know, I feel strongly about this term around like wanting to find things outside of motherhood, like I don't like that term necessarily, like I want to find things within motherhood.
Speaker 2:I want to rediscover myself within motherhood and I want to like incorporate motherhood in everything I'm doing and I see that like so much in you, just in terms of like how you bring your you know, I got to meet your daughter at the Taylor Swift Eras concert and you got to talk about like style in front of her. It's just like. It's so cool how the legacy that you're leaving your children is one of like self growth and self love and constantly like working on yourself, and not from a space of like oh, I need, I'm bad and I'm wrong and I need to change. It's more like no, I want to love myself and I want to feel myself and I want to, I want to feel the good energy so that other people can learn how to do that as well, including your family. And I just, I really just like see you and honor you and your ability to be honest and show up that way, and I just think it's. I think it's contagious in the best way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you. It's been a beautiful conversation. I'm so lucky to like just be in your you know aura at all. I really feel like it's a special connection and fostering that and sharing that is really important. So thank you.
Speaker 2:Well, where can people follow you, like, where can they find you, where can they work with you? What's all that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I hang out on Instagram a lot. I'm at Collectively Styled by Ashley, and then, if you want to catch me on my website, you want to book a time to chat at AshleyLairscom, do you?
Speaker 2:take a consult, like before they book, like sales calls.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's a free 20, 30 minutes. Sometimes we go a little over that time, but yeah, it's a free call just to kind of see and help you learn a little bit more Cause, like I said, it's a lot about, like I think, demystifying what this is all about.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let's do it. Let's link all that in the show notes and you can find it there. Well, thank you actually so much for this. This was so wonderful, and thank you for everyone who's tuned in. Give us a, give us a. You know I feel like I'm always hustling for rates and likes and reviews, but that is the podcast lives. If you like this conversation and you want to have more of these than you know, show the podcast a little bit of love. Show Ashley some love. Give her a follow or letter.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna leave a comment there. I think I'll leave it in comments. I know me too. Huge feedback is huge.
Speaker 2:So yeah, leave a comment, We'd love to hear from you and send Ashley a DM that you found her through the Made for Mothers podcast. So, anyways, have a great day and lots of love, and we'll talk more soon. Yay, you just finished another episode of the Made for Mothers podcast. As always, you can find more details about today's show in the show notes and be sure to give us a review. Subscribe so you don't miss a chance to grow your biz from fellow moms. Are you wanting more one-on-one support or are you looking to learn how to market your business in a way so you can spend more time with your family and less time stressing about what to do next? Than follow along on Instagram at Mariah Stockman, or book a one-on-one biz therapy session with yours truly, and let's find that work mom-hood harmony we all deserve. Until next time. This is your host, mariah Stockman, and thank you so much for tuning in.