In the last episode of the Jenni Carroll Perspective, we discussed how expectations, our Great Expectations are the biggest reason why our most important relationships can often be so challenging. Today we will continue that discussion with an explanation of a related idea. There is available to us a tool that we can all use to not only help us identify our expectations of others, but also to stop our emotional dependence on what other people do or don’t do. This tool or principle is Psychological Separation.
So, as we’ve discussed we all carry a combination of both conscious and unconscious expectations for our relationships. If we are talking about marriage or romantic relationships, our conscious expectations might look like (in addition to love & romance) support, trust, loyalty, partnership etc. In addition to the expectations we are aware of, we also have significant unconscious expectations which center on our ego need of worth through validation. While we don’t usually realize it, we look to others, our most important others, to give us a sense of worth or value... validation.
The problem is, no other human being, regardless of how much they love us or want to support us, will ever be able to continually meet our conscious needs or expectations let alone this gigantic, never-ending unconscious need of worth through validation.
So, what can we do about this dilemma? How can we navigate our relationships in a way that is more realistic, healthier and offers us an overall more pleasant experience?
Well Guess what? This is where Psychological Separation steps in to save the day. Psychological Separation can be thought of as a tool or a principle, but either way it is also a RULE. A rule that gives us guidance in understanding what is OURS versus what isn’t ours. So whether or not you tend to be a rule-follower or a rule-breaker, having a specific, clear and concrete rule really helps in taking so much of the guess work out of relationships.
So, if expectations are the greatest hazard in navigating relationships then a biproduct is taking ownership of behaviors and emotions that don’t belong to us. On occasion, at least for a little while, we all make the behaviors, choices, actions, or words of other people mean something about us. It is a process of personalization. What they put out -we pick up, throw it in our emotional backpack and carry it with us wherever we go. AND not only do we pick it up and take it with us, but we also use it to write a story ...in our heads... a story that creates narrative and meaning about ourselves and of course, casts US in the starring role.
Interestingly, we actually do this frequently in many ways with many different types of people. A friend who seems distracted or uninterested when we are sharing important news, a coworker who repeatedly takes credit for our efforts, the person who cuts in line while waiting at the deli counter, or even the personality on the nightly news who shares an opinion that seems to go against our beliefs or values. However, just like with our expectations, the personalization of behaviors of the people closest to us tend to be the most impactful and the most damaging.
So what exactly is the rule of Psychological Separation and how do we figure out how to follow it? Psychological Separation is the thoughtful understanding and awareness that the motivations behind all of our choices, words, actions and behaviors are uniquely ours and while we can be influenced by others and we can certainly affect others, what we say or do belongs only to us. Conversely, all of the choices, words, actions and behaviors of others are uniquely theirs and while they can affect or impact us, they belong only to them.
The bottom line: Our stuff is only our stuff. Other peoples’ stuff is only theirs.
So, the tendency to personalize the actions of others (especially significant others) is human and natural. We see the world through our own eyes and alas, we are the apex of our perspective. The world revolves around us, at least that is often our initial impression.
And even though we process our experience with others in this way many times over, there are instances that end up being quite benign with little or no lasting impact ...but then there are other situations that are much more significant. So much so that the story or narrative or meaning we create from these interactions begins to interfere with our well-being as we change our perception of who we are based on bad evidence from external sources. And this is where the problem is; making ourselves and our sense of who we are vulnerable to actions of others that are not only beyond our control, but as Psychological Separation teaches us: NOT ABOUT US.
A really good example to illustrate all of this, albeit an intense one - is the experience of infidelity. When someone experiences infidelity on the part of their partner or spouse- the most damaging aftermath is that person’s new narrative... the meaning they apply to themselves based on the hurtful action of their spouse. If this hurt, betrayed person is not aligned with their intrinsic worth, the lack of faithfulness by their partner triggers feelings of their own inadequacy, creating a cascade of negative, painful emotion.
From the outside, it appears that all of their negative emotion is directed towards their partner and the partner’s bad behavior. But, when someone deeply struggles to get past an affair or isn’t able to get past an infidelity, it is always because they are using their partner’s behavior to define themselves, a feeling that is both awful and unforgivable.
However, if the hurt person is able to use the rule of Psychological Separation - they would still be hurt, they would still be very very angry, but ultimately, they would recognize that their partner’s behavior, while extremely hurtful, had absolutely nothing to do with them.
This is such a good example because as a society, we have such strong “moral rules” around infidelity. In other words, we feel entitled to judge others based on what feels right for us. Infidelity or cheating is also something that holds a lot of fear whether it be conscious or unconscious), for many of us. And by using this example today, it may inadvertently trigger some strong feelings for some of my kind listeners, whether or not they personally have experienced infidelity in any form.
But the point in using this example is to illustrate that no matter how “bad” we judge a behavior to be, the truth is, it STILL isn’t about us. It doesn’t mean that we aren’t affected by it - and certainly being cheated on is definitely impactful. You’re going to feel it. But, ultimately there is the empowering opportunity to let it go, to allow the emotion to be experienced and then released.
Something really important to point out, especially in an example such as this, is that using the rule of Psychological Separation does not require the betrayed partner to DO anything. It doesn’t mean that they must stay married; it doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t have strong boundaries should they choose to stay in the relationship. It just means that they are free to let their emotion flow through them and move on. It is not theirs to carry.
So infidelity is a strong example, but the truth is we engage in this process all of the time. It is present whenever (no matter how large or how small) another person fails to meet our expectation and we have an emotional reaction to that disappointment.
Personalizing behaviors that don’t belong to us could be triggered by our friend’s chronic lateness, our husband’s thoughtless comments or our child ignoring our request to clean up their room. It all comes down to the same process.
We also experience this dynamic with people we don’t know. Getting cut off in traffic or experiencing an impatient customer service associate can trigger the same type of internal narrative. Are we taking another person’s behavior and making it personal ...or do we understand that while we are allowed to have frustration or other negative emotion, the behavior of someone else fails to define us - even a little bit. We are free.
So many couples have found themselves in a state of crisis because for years they have regularly used each other’s personality flaws, poor judgment, and imperfect choices to create a perceived personal reality. Think about it. Would you want someone else to define themselves based on every word or choice that you have made? Probably not. I know I wouldn’t.
Another important benefit that the rule of Psychological Separation offers us, is clarity in understanding the behaviors of others that can be overlooked & tolerated and the behaviors of others that can be overlooked but in our responsibility to take care of ourselves, should not be tolerated. In which case we would be required to create boundaries or even end relationships that are not serving us well.
For example, we can accept that a spouse with an anger issue, who frequently responds to their environment and the people in it in hurtful or damaging ways, does so because of whatever is going on with them internally. While we are negatively impacted by their actions, we recognize that it is their behavior and has no personal meaning for us. At the same time, however, we might also determine that as long as their dysfunctional and toxic behavior continues, it is not in our best interest to continue the relationship.
The rule of Psychological Separation does not get us off the hook for our responsibility in choosing wisely when it comes to bringing people into our lives, nor does it prevent our responsibility to move on from negative, dysfunctional relationships.
Like many of the principles we discuss, honoring the rule of Psychological Separation is much more difficult without an understanding and acceptance of our Intrinsic Worth. It is vital that we have a sense of self that is not connected or dependent on our actions. This understanding allows us to then also let go of the actions of others, despite the hurt we might experience. If we don’t accept our Intrinsic Worth, then it is much too easy to use all the evidence we can gather from the behaviors of others to support or reduce the sense of our own value. As we know, dependence on anyone else for our sense of worth is more than problematic. It is a slippery slope to nowhere good. Because no matter how well-meaning or sincerely loving, other people will always, at some point, fail to validate us in the ways we so deeply desire.
Even though it can be challenging to practice the rule of Psychological Separation at first, like anything else, it gets easier and we become better at it with repetition and time. And the more it becomes our default, the greater the benefits. Unfortunately, if we don’t learn to practice Psychological Separation, we tend to get better at more quickly and more intensely personalizing all that is around us, eventually leading us to a state of emotional fragility.
So, how do we honor the rule of Psychological Separation when we feel overwhelmed with devastation or anger after being deeply hurt by a loved one? When our painful narrative seems just SO incredibly accurate.
Start with JUST observing. Observing is foundational, effective and also, something we all can do. When something happens to trigger strong emotions, for at least a little bit, we will find ourselves completely merged with our feelings. When we are here, it is very difficult to step back and observe. Eventually, however, the feelings will start to lessen becoming less intense, and it is at this point where it is crucial to step back and work at finding a place of neutral exploration and analysis.
As you work at finding a little separation from your emotion, notice your internal narrative. Identify the meaning you are assigning to the experience. Consider the internal motivations of the person you are angry with.
The rule of Psychological Separation is an effective and necessary relationship tool, helping us avoid the emotional burden so many loving couples accumulate over time. But perhaps more importantly, it strengthens the relationship we have with ourselves. Psychological Separation helps us to see the internal motivations behind our own thoughts, feelings, words and behaviors. It helps us take ownership of the choices we make, good and bad. And ultimately this insight helps us grow, mature and create healing for our soul.
My loving suggestion is to notice the next time someone makes you mad. What exactly are you telling yourself about it? What motivations or feelings are you assigning the other person? What are you making their behavior mean about yourself? What emotion or fear does this trigger? Can you identify which part of the encounter is yours vs. theirs? Imagine yourself “putting down” the part that belongs to them.
Thank you for joining me for the discussion today. I hope that something here resonated with you in a new or inspiring way.
You are light. You are love.
