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EPISODE 4: FORGIVENESS IS A SUPERPOWER
Welcome to the Jenni Carroll Perspective. In this episode, we explore an incredibly important spiritual truth. This principle is something we are all familiar with, but it is also something that holds misunderstanding and confusion. Today’s discussion centers on the transformative power of forgiveness—often overlooked and underestimated, but a necessary practice to living well.
The concept of forgiveness is commonly misunderstood, and many of us carry a contradiction around forgiveness. We believe that forgiveness is the “right” thing to do, but at the same time believe it to be an act of self-dishonor. Furthermore, we often hold the belief (consciously or unconsciously) that by choosing not to forgive our past hurts, we are somehow protecting ourselves from future pain. These misconceptions trigger our natural defensiveness and create strong resistance to the idea of forgiveness.
Simply stated, forgiveness is the conscious decision to release negative emotion. But the power of this process is immeasurable. Despite all of the hurt, pain and injury bestowed on us by the external world, forgiveness gives us the power to access peace, well-being and fulfillment of our greatest purpose.
To truly unlock the full power of forgiveness, it is important to develop a practice of Persistent Forgiveness. Persistent Forgiveness involves setting the daily intention to allow for, but then move past negative emotion. In this process, we refuse to permit the mistakes or bad behavior of others to define us.
Unfortunately, however, we often hold onto our own mistakes, our own errors, and carry shame around what we perceive as our personal failings. As a result, we take the judgment we place on ourselves and reflect it outward. As humans, it is also easy to get stuck in our negative feelings. While unpleasant, this place of negative emotion can be oddly comfortable. It is here where we allow ourselves to ruminate on all that is separate from us, while avoiding our own insecurities. Ultimately, it is the inability or refusal to forgive ourselves that becomes the greatest obstacle to the practice of Persistent Forgiveness.
In our discussion we revisit other spiritual principles that support us in in practicing Persistent Forgiveness. We are reminded that embracing our Intrinsic Worth allows us to accept our inherent value despite the choices we make, thereby giving us permission to release the mistakes of others. Learning to access our Primary Awareness, our innate wisdom and guidance, is also key to supporting us in developing a daily practice of Persistent Forgiveness.
This episode of the Jenni Carroll Perspective reminds us that Persistent Forgiveness is truly our superpower. A power that is available to each of us; shifting our perspective and creating an easier and sweeter experience of life.
Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoyed the information presented in today's discussion, please consider subscribing to the Jenni Carroll Perspective.
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Hello, and welcome to today's episode of the Jenni Carroll Perspective. I'm really really excited about the topic today. Because... it plays such an important part in living well. I would argue that it is absolutely foundational to experiencing life in an easier, sweeter and less stressful way. And what’s so interesting is that it is not at all a new idea. It is actually something that we are all familiar with and most definitely have utilized at some point in our lives, probably multiple times.
But still, it is also something that many of us under-utilize. And, often underestimate. So what is this mysterious idea? It’s forgiveness. Or, more specifically, the practice of what I like to call Persistent Forgiveness.
When the topic of forgiveness comes up in my office, I have to say, it can feel slightly awkward. If we are talking about a hurt that my client has experienced, I will ask, “Have you forgiven this person?” And often people will say yes, right away. But I think that saying “yes I’ve forgiven so and so” kind of just feels like the “right” answer. But, with a little more exploration, it becomes pretty clear that the person has not forgiven the hurt or transgression.
For some people it’s an obvious case of absolutely choosing to not forgive. But more often, it’s a case of not making any decision at all. In these situations there is a sense of maybe moving on, and sometimes that “moving on” is complete and there is little or no residual negative emotion remaining... but at other times, it isn’t very hard to find a lot of festering negative emotion hanging out under the surface.
I believe that even though most of us have this sense that forgiveness is the “right” thing to do, there is another part of us that is conflicted. We worry that if we were to forgive the thing that someone did to hurt us, we would somehow be losing. Perhaps taking blame for someone else's bad behavior.
So very often we carry this contradiction. Forgiveness is good. Forgiveness is right. But.... when I forgive others I dishonor myself.
Another factor I’ve found in the resistance to forgive is the desire or the need we have to protect ourselves from being hurt again. In talking with so many people over the years, it is evident that in many situations, we carry an unconscious fear of pain and the hope (however unrealistic) that if I hold on to the hurts of the past, I will somehow protect myself from the pain of being hurt again.
So, in both of these cases, the resistance to forgive stems from a mistaken understanding of what forgiveness actually IS and where its power truly lies.
Here is the truth: Despite all of the hurt, pain and injury bestowed on us by the external world, within each of us there is the power to access peace, well-being and fulfillment of our greatest purpose. We all have a secret power, and that power is forgiveness.
But instead of embracing our power, we tend to resist it. Resistance to forgiveness is definitely a “thing.” Many of us, let’s be honest all of us at times, struggle with the idea of forgiveness. And I think that our resistance to forgive, regardless of the situation, is always grounded in defensiveness. Our defensiveness arises from the belief that we need to protect ourselves and it manifests as being very focused on somebody else's bad behavior. But what's underneath the defensiveness, in this case and in every other situation where defensiveness arises, is really a sense of being “less than” within our self.
So there are two sides to it, when we are hurt we find ourselves overcome with a sense of injustice. And this sense of injustice makes us feel that we need to place blame somewhere or on someone. But at the exact same time, we are using our painful emotion generated by the experience as evidence of our own failing.
While this sense of our own failing is generally subconscious, it nevertheless interferes in the way we see the world around us. The negative we carry about ourselves motivates us to focus on the negative outside of us.
As human beings, I think something that we can be quite good at is getting stuck in our feelings. Maybe not all of the time, but at least every once in a while, we find that it's really hard to move past how we feel.
And sometimes, our negative emotion, as uncomfortable or unpleasant as it might be, is at the very same time comfortable. It's sort of like a security blanket... one that we've had for our entire lives. And the blanket might be old, it might be dirty, it might be torn, but it's still comfortable. And it's feels like home, and it expects nothing from us. And we pick it up time and again.
And being in that comfortable place of negative emotion allows us to ruminate in our pain. It also allows us to ruminate in everything that is separate from us, all of the bad behavior, the bad choices, the unfair circumstances. And in that rumination we get to avoid our own insecurities. It's important to understand that all negative emotion directed at other people is really just a projection of the frustration we have with ourselves. We mirror back to others how we see ourselves. So why do we choose to stay in a negative emotional place versus moving on to something better? something sweeter by practicing forgiveness?
I think part of the answer could be that we're just uninformed... we don't necessarily realize how powerful forgiveness can be. But I think the bigger reason is that many of us, unfortunately, are severely disconnected from our Intrinsic Worth. And because we're so disconnected from our value, we tend to use our faults as evidence of our brokenness. And so how that works is that bad behavior or hurts from others, gets interpreted on a soul level as our own shortcomings and failures.
A simpler way to understand this, starts with the reality that so many of us hold on to our own mistakes, our own errors, and carry a lot of shame around the things that we've done that we're not proud of. And because of that, we take that judgment that we place on ourselves and reflect it outward. Many of us are aware of that internal critique, that negative chirping voice always pointing out what we could have done better, where we fell short. But that negative voice, which I know many of us can relate to, is really only a symptom of a much deeper disconnection from our value.
Sadly, for some of us, there is such a deep self-loathing, that we don't even really bother to consider a different way of thinking or feeling. And when we are operating from such a negative critical, self-evaluative place, we just use that same lens and framework to judge the wrongs of everyone around us.
So truly, let’s be very clear: the biggest obstacle to the persistent forgiveness of others, is really the inability or refusal to forgive ourselves.
And yet again we are face to face with the idea of Intrinsic Worth. If we are truly at peace with ourselves, grounded in our own value despite our errors and mistakes, it's much, much easier to allow negative emotion to be processed and ultimately released. From a behavioral perspective, forgiveness is the process of intentionally releasing negative emotion. That's all. But it's everything.
When we are unable to forgive ourselves, we tend to become very defensive. Our perceived brokenness creates an emotional fragility, and we become unable to tolerate the hurts of others. Our sense of who we are is so wobbly, that any evidence, even a small piece of what we perceive as evidence, a hurt or transgression that we experience through our external world, sort of topples us over emotionally. So regardless of how we're acting or behaving on the outside, if we aren't actively forgiving, we are internalizing the behaviors and the choices of others, things that have absolutely nothing to do with us. And most certainly don't reflect our value. But unfortunately, a lot of the time, we are completely oblivious to what is actually happening. And rather than recognizing our choice to get stuck in negative emotion, we just sort of revel in it a little bit. And we focus on the injustice, we focus on our own pain. It’s not a pleasant situation yet... it also feels weirdly comfortable, and sometimes feels really scary to move past.
The extent to which we engage in this entire process varies and it's going to look different from person to person, from relationship to relationship and from incident to incident. But no matter what the situation, the solution is always the same. We can remain stuck in our disconnect from our true self. Or we can choose to open our eyes to the value within us and allow the hurts, the problems, the errors, the transgressions of the world to wash over us and wash away.
Kind listeners, developing a practice of persistent forgiveness is truly transformational.
I promise you it will change your world. When practiced regularly, it alters our experience in big and small ways. And like anything else, the more we practice, the better we get ...the bigger benefits we experience.
Alright, so let’s get clear with our definition. Persistent Forgiveness is the daily practice of actively moving past the hurts of others by processing negative emotion in real time, and then, making the decision to fully release the emotion and forgive (or move past) the transgression.
That’s great, you might say. But how do we do that when it seems so contrary to what is happening? And yes, it can feel really hard to step away from our feelings, and also to challenge the story we have in our heads about whatever it is that we've just experienced.
I believe that there are two elements or two building blocks, to creating a practice of Persistent Forgiveness. And those two building blocks are intention and awareness.
Intention is the decision to refuse to continue to define ourselves by whatever form of negative we experience. Awareness is then working to stay present with our internal narrative or story, noticing and observing what is happening versus merging with the thoughts and feelings that arise.
When it comes to feeling our emotions and processing them in real time, it's important to acknowledge that there are absolutely going to be situations where the hurts are bigger and more significant. And when we're dealing with more serious, more painful experiences it will naturally take a lot more processing and a lot more time to work through all of the emotion that can be generated by that type of experience. It’s important to know that it’s okay. Harder experiences are going to be processed in different ways and take longer amounts of time. And it's really vital that we give ourselves permission to be human. Being kind, being flexible and being patient with ourselves in these situations is very, very important.
The second building block to Persistent Forgiveness is developing a strong connection to our Primary Awareness. Primary Awareness is the innate wisdom and knowing within each of us that is always observing our thoughts and feelings. It is not part of the thinking brain, but really is beyond or transcends the thinking brain.
Our Primary Awareness is always present, it is always available to us, although we may be quite disconnected from it most of the time. And the more that we practice connecting to this part of ourselves, the more we are able to see, and to follow the path to forgiveness, as at some point, this knowing part of us, will gently guide us to that moment of release.
You might be thinking right now, “yes I know exactly what she is talking about” OR, you might be thinking “Huh?” If you are in the second camp, don’t worry. We will be exploring our Primary Awareness in a future episode very soon.
Developing a practice, or a life philosophy of Persistent Forgiveness is an amazing goal. It allows us to tap into our most profound wisdom and power. But it can certainly feel overwhelming, especially at first, to embrace a concept, when we aren't sure where to begin, and the emotions that we're experiencing feel so strong and so true.
And what is so key to helping us, is our willingness to be aligned with our Intrinsic Worth. Because when we are aligned with our own value, we begin to realize that so much of what we think matters, doesn't matter. The phrase ‘hold on loosely’ seems so accurate here. We only need to hold on loosely to everything and everyone and all that happens to us. But doing that can feel wildly unrealistic and completely beyond our abilities. And absolutely, we are humans living in a world filled with pain and filled with suffering. We are emotional creatures, and we will definitely feel the feels when something happens to us that we don't like.
It is O.K. It's okay to have emotion. It's okay to have feelings. And it's okay to have negative feelings. Perfection is not necessary. We must recognize that we're going to just do the best we can, and that's enough. But still, it IS possible to choose to react to life's hurts in a different way. And even if it doesn't happen all of the time, if that's our intention, it's going to change our experience of life.
Persistent Forgiveness gives us an experience that illuminates the beauty within and around us and the unique yet shared journey we are all on. It is an experience that will allow for error without judgment, for justice, without condemnation and for grace without question.
We are masters of our lives. And forgiveness, don't forget, is your superpower.
My loving suggestion is to make a list of mistakes or hurts that you have not forgiven either by yourself or by others. And if you struggle to make a list, consider what resentment or bitterness or sadness you hold on to, and how those emotions might be influenced by a lack of forgiveness. And if this is still too difficult, just start noticing opportunities for forgiveness in daily life, no matter how small ...notice what it feels like to actively let go of frustrations and hurts.
Thank you so much for joining me today. I hope that something in this episode on forgiveness was helpful or meaningful to you.
You are light you are love.
