Welcome to the second season of the Jenni Carroll Perspective. In this series we will discuss the different parts of us, the human parts that influence not only how we experience our lives, but also what we experience in our lives. In today’s episode we will focus on the topic of emotion, and how the type of relationship with have with our feelings can either support us in living an easier, more extraordinary life or one that is much more challenging than we want or need it to be.
We start by discussing the purpose of emotion. Emotions are a necessary tool that allow us to process our interaction with our environment. Without feelings we would lack investment in our lives, intellectually functioning but without caring. It is our emotion that essentially gives us our “humanness” and without feelings we would be living an entirely different type of existence.
It is also important to understand what emotions are not. We are not our feelings. While most of us would agree with this statement, we sometimes behave as though we were.
Each one of us has a specific relationship with emotion that falls somewhere on a spectrum. At one end are the “avoiders,” people who are intent on dodging their feelings no matter the circumstance. It is important to understand the difference between feeling emotions and being an emotional person. The problem here is that ignored feelings do not go away, but instead have the opportunity to re-emerge in negative, harmful ways.
At the other end of the spectrum are those of us who consistently get overwhelmed by feelings. For these individuals, emotions become the defining feature of their lives, and often serve as an obstacle to finding clarity and making necessary decisions.
For each of these seemingly contradictory relationship styles, there is a foundation of fear. The “avoider” fears being consumed by emotion, and the “paralyzer” fears personal insignificance without emotion. For both, the ultimate, deepest fear is to cease to exist.
Having an ideal or healthy relationship with our feelings is described as cultivating presence. Here is where we allow for our feelings in real time, acknowledging what we are experiencing, but then consciously releasing our feelings in order to move forward. We use the analogy of a surfer to illustrate this style.
Finally, we revisit the principle of Primary Awareness. We are reminded that connecting to our inner wisdom allows us to separate from our feelings while recognizing that we are much more than both our emotion and whatever external circumstance is causing our pain.
Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoyed the information presented in today's discussion, please consider subscribing to the Jenni Carroll Perspective.
https://www.jennicarroll.com
https://www.pinterest.com/jennicarrollperspective/
I’m so very excited to welcome you to the second season of the Jenni Carroll Perspective. In this series we are going to focus on the different parts of us - the human parts we share that directly influence not only how we experience our lives, but WHAT we experience in our lives. While there is a lot about life that we can’t control, we often underestimate how much power we actually have in shaping our experience...Such as how we manage our thoughts and our feelings. We are also going to talk about decision-making, and how to find clarity and confidence with the tougher decisions we are sometimes faced with. Finally, we are going to look at the idea of Authentic Empowerment and some of the distorted beliefs and other obstacles that get in the way of working towards achieving this important principle.
Let’s begin ..with emotions. Feelings. The part within us that plays a major role in how we understand the experiences we have each day and, often, the choices we make as a result. Every one of us has a unique relationship with our feelings. And yes it is definitely a relationship. How we choose to interact with this important part of us goes a long way towards defining the type of lives we lead. What is your relationship with your feelings? Do you identify as an emotional person? Do you find comfort or release in giving yourself permission to feel whatever emotion comes up -good or bad? Or, maybe, you are someone who avoids emotion at all costs, not at all interested in risking the possibility of having to deal with any uncomfortable, icky feelings that could possible emerge?
Whatever type of relationship we have with our feelings, it tends to be pretty consistent throughout our lifetime. But, for many of us, the relationship we have with our emotions is problematic... causing us many more problems than we want OR certainly need. So today we are going to explore the different types of relationships with can have with our feelings. OR another way to think about it is the specific strategies we choose to manage our emotions.
Its’s a little ironic, because as a therapist, in this profession we are known as pro-emotion & “how do you feel about that?” is sort of our tag line! So get ready because one of the most interesting things we are going to talk about today is the reality that emotions aren’t actually as important as we often think they are. And what is even more vital to understand is that how we manage our emotions can cause us a lot of problems, so much so that having an unhealthy relationship with our emotions will absolutely change both the experience and direction of our lives. Kind of a sobering thought. So fully understanding emotions, what their purpose is and how best to manage them is a really important part of living life well. The good news is that learning how to have a healthy relationship with our emotions has the power to make everything in our lives easier and ultimately more extraordinary.
So why do we have feelings? Think about that question for a moment. What IS the purpose of emotion? Of feelings? Why do we have them? What are they for?
To give us information? To alert us to something we like or don’t like or what is good or bad? To make us better people? To help us identify our values, our needs, our expectations? Interesting... have you ever really thought about it before?
Emotions are a tool. They are a tool that we need to process our experience with the environment. Think about it. Here we are, thrown into all sorts of situations, good, bad, frustrating, fun, wonderful, joyful, and unfortunately sometimes not so wonderful or joyful. In order to make sense of all that we are experiencing, we require something to help us sort everything out. And this is where the value or importance of emotions really comes into play. Without our tool of feelings, we would be a little lost to say the least. We would be pretty disconnected from whatever was happening to us. Maybe that sounds like it could be a good thing - as we would be protected from the pain of negative and difficult emotions. And that would be true, except, what would also be true is that we would lack investment in our lives. We would lack investment in our purpose. We would have absolutely no stake in what we were trying to accomplish, succeed at, create, enjoy. Essentially we would be robots... intellectually functioning but without caring. We would be on autopilot. So it can be argued that it is our feelings that essentially give us our humanness, without which we would experience a totally different type of existence and one that would void our greatest purpose.
So good or bad, emotions are a necessary part of our human experience, an essential part that gives us the ability to process our experiences. But just as important as understanding what emotions are, is understanding what they ARE NOT. WE are not emotions. Emotions, feelings, do not define us and are not WHO or WHAT we are. So you may be thinking, yeah, I get that I am not my feelings. And that’s good. Most of us would probably respond this same way. We don’t THINK we are our emotions. BUT, for some of us, we sometimes behave as if we were. Every one of us, I would guess, at one time or another, have overidentified with our emotions and allowed our feelings the power to influence our perspective so deeply that it changed our viewpoint of others, of a situation or circumstance, or of ourselves.
When it comes to the relationship we have with our feelings OR how we manage our feelings, we all fall somewhere on a spectrum. On one end is complete avoidance. People with this style rarely take the time to acknowledge their emotions. They may have a momentary run-in with a feeling that comes up strong, but just as quickly they will stop, distract and detour to something else. Often these individuals claim that they are “just fine” and maybe “things just don’t bother me” or “I don’t need to worry about my feelings, I just move on.”
If you identify with this relationship style, it’s important to understand the difference between being emotionally expressive and being present with your emotions. Acknowledging and processing how you feel in real time does not turn you into an emotional person. You are not all of a sudden going to find yourself sharing your deepest feelings with your boss or your Uber driver. But, it’s also important to understand that refusing to feel or acknowledge your emotions does not make you “stronger” or “better” in any way. It just sets you up to lose power and lose control over your life.
And here is why. Ignored feelings do not go away. I will say that again. Ignored feelings do not go away. Avoiding, stuffing, disconnecting from feelings only gives them the opportunity to sit festering until they decide to emerge again in, most likely, a particularly less than pretty way. If the growing feelings decide to be directed outward, a person will more than likely experience some version of impatience, irritability, judgment, anger or, even rage. If the feelings choose to be turned inward instead, then there is a good chance there will be resentment, depression, anxiety, addiction, self-harm, or even physical illness. It is also possible to experience a combination of the internal and external versions. Ugh.
And even though the emotions are coming out in unpleasant ways, when this happens we usually aren’t aware of the connection to the ACTUAL feelings that are driving this process. Instead, we are more interested and more focused on the facts surrounding the symptoms... the surface reason we feel angry or anxious or ill.
Okay, so at the other end of the spectrum are those of us that tend to be SO in touch with our feelings that there is frequently an experience of emotional overwhelm. In this type of relationship, there isn’t a problem identifying feelings or accessing emotions... instead, for these kind souls there is a tendency to get trapped in their feelings. But let me clarify for a minute, even for people who are able to manage their emotions in the best possible way, there will absolutely be times when an influx of feelings is so great, that there is an experience of being overwhelmed. The difference for the people who live at this end of the spectrum is that the overwhelm happens frequently, lasts for significant amounts of time, and often leads to a state of paralysis where it becomes difficult to make necessary decisions or access a more balanced perspective.
Emotions become the defining experience of their life, whether or not they realize it is happening. It is hard to see themselves as separate from their feelings. While they would probably argue that they are not their feelings, subconsciously there is little separation. As a result they often see themselves and their relationships with others in a precarious way, not quite trusting their own perspective as it is frequently shifting. Feelings are experienced a lot like a rollercoaster, taking them up and down and all around at a fast pace, giving them little space to actually find clarity and move forward.
Interestingly, for both of these seemingly contradictory relationship styles, at the unconscious level, the fear driving the behavior is identical. That fear is a disintegration of self. For the avoider, it is believed that allowing for feelings will become so overwhelming that they will be unable to function or survive and ultimately will cease to be. For the paralyzer, there is the belief that I am nothing without my feelings, and if I don’t prioritize my feelings , I will be rendered meaningless or will cease to exist. Now, to be fair, very few of us would probably be able to acknowledge this deep unconscious fear. Yet, unaware of the forces that drive us at our deepest level, so many of us stay stuck in an unhelpful, unhealthy and damaging relationship with our feelings.
The way out of these unhealthy relationships, the middle ground, is presence. What is presence exactly? Presence is our willingness to give space for our feelings, to work at acknowledging (and feeling them) in real time, but then sooner than not, allow them to be released. The analogy of a surfer works great here. Just like a surfer we must allow ourselves to ride the wave of emotion as it becomes present and grows, and then we stay with it just long enough for it to crest, fall and become one again with the surface of the ocean.... Where we then choose to go on our way. When we learn to manage our emotions in this way, we are able to operate from a place of clarity without being weighed down by emotion we no longer need, OR eventually being thrown off track by the feelings we chose to avoid.
Okay, you may be thinking, this sounds great. But, how do I “be present” with my feelings when frankly I am wired to deal with my emotions in a different way? And I get it, being aware of the unconscious fear of obliteration probably isn’t really helpful. But what we can do is to challenge our unwillingness to both allow for our feelings (a struggle for some of us) and also work towards releasing their power (a struggle for others). Remember, feelings are temporary. They pass. We are much much stronger than even the most intense, most uncomfortable most horrible of any possible feelings.
Once we have made the decision to change our relationship with emotions, the next step is to start noticing... especially if you tend to be an avoider. Begin by making a conscious effort to check in with yourself. Ask yourself “What am I feeling? Where is this feeling coming from? Does it make sense? Let me sit in it for a bit. What happens then? Am I uncomfortable? Hmm. Does the feeling eventually start to go away?
For those of us who do not struggle with identifying and allowing for our feelings, but instead become overwhelmed by them, the goal is the same, but the path is a little different. It begins with learning to acknowledge our feelings but then consciously working to release them. What is important to remember here is this: Validating our feelings comes purely through our acknowledgement. We do not need to stay in an emotion any longer than is necessary. If this is what you struggle with, it can be helpful to learn to separate from feelings by thinking about the person feeling the emotions. Questions to ask might be “who is this person feeling so sad? What is she experiencing? Can I find some compassion for him?”
Before we end, I want to make sure to add in a caveat. For all of us, there will be times in our lives where we have an intensely difficult or negative experience that creates an overwhelming cascade of negative emotion. Trauma, grief or loss of any significance may create such intense and consistent emotion that it may feel impossible to get past. During these times, it is important to be kind and patient with ourselves. There is no need to become frustrated or self-critical, if it takes longer than we prefer to work through our emotions and find a place of peace. But, it is also helpful to know that even in the depth of sadness or pain, there will always be a path out... as ultimately we can access the greater part of us, the part that is whole and entirely separate from our emotions.
Which brings me to the principle of Primary Awareness. In our most difficult moments, primary awareness continues to be present to support us. Learning to access primary awareness even on our worst days, will give us the ability to separate even slightly from our feelings...and just observe. Primary Awareness reminds us that we are more than whatever external circumstance is causing our pain. And that ultimately, we can and we will continue our journey ahead.
My loving suggestion is to notice your feelings. Notice also the person feeling the feelings. Is there a difference?
You are light & You are love.
