In this episode of 'Healed Now What?', Lisa Dawn, a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Educator, Relationship Mentor, and Trauma Survivor, delves into the topic of grief, drawing from personal experience, somatic practices, and attachment psychology.
She discusses how grief is a deeply personal journey that varies in its expressions and timing, emphasizing the natural and healthy nature of grief as an expression of love.
Through the story of her own encounters with grief, including a poignant narrative of pregnancy loss, Lisa illustrates the importance of community, self-awareness, and the physical embodiment of grief as pathways to navigate and transform the experience of loss. She offers practical advice on creating islands of safety through connection and body awareness and highlights the role of the nervous system in managing grief.
The episode includes insights from the book 'It's Okay That You're Not Okay' by Megan Devine, underscoring that grief is not a problem needing fixing but an experience demanding acknowledgment. Lisa's message is one of hope, resilience, and the transformative power of grief when approached with compassion and self-compassion
In this episode of 'Healed Now What?', Lisa Dawn, a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Educator, Relationship Mentor, and Trauma Survivor, delves into the topic of grief, drawing from personal experience, somatic practices, and attachment psychology.
She discusses how grief is a deeply personal journey that varies in its expressions and timing, emphasizing the natural and healthy nature of grief as an expression of love.
Through the story of her own encounters with grief, including a poignant narrative of pregnancy loss, Lisa illustrates the importance of community, self-awareness, and the physical embodiment of grief as pathways to navigate and transform the experience of loss. She offers practical advice on creating islands of safety through connection and body awareness and highlights the role of the nervous system in managing grief.
The episode includes insights from the book 'It's Okay That You're Not Okay' by Megan Devine, underscoring that grief is not a problem needing fixing but an experience demanding acknowledgment. Lisa's message is one of hope, resilience, and the transformative power of grief when approached with compassion and self-compassion
00:00 Welcome to Healed Now What: Transforming Trauma into Strength
01:36 Exploring Grief: Personal Stories and Universal Truths
03:32 The Power of Community and Connection in Healing
09:43 Navigating the Waves of Grief with Somatic Practices
12:54 Embracing Grief as a Path to Healing and Transformation
23:56 Closing Thoughts: Compassion, Community, and Continuing the Journey
Lisa:
Greetings, my friends, and welcome to another episode of Healed Now What? A podcast where we discuss life, relationships, connection, and trauma through the lens of somatic and attachment psychology, nervous system health, relationships, and self discovery. I'm Lisa Dawn, and I'm on a mission to teach people how to transform their deepest wounds into their greatest strengths by first transforming the relationship they have with themselves. So whether you've had trauma, years of failed partnerships, or just want a better relationship with your body, I've got you covered. I am a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Educator, Relationship Mentor, and Trauma Survivor. With a lifetime of experience helping not only myself, but countless others transform their lives by learning how to become the fullest versions of themselves. Learn more at www. somatic. com We do this through self awareness, connecting with their bodies and changing the way they perceive themselves and others. I have coached innumerous people how to heal their wounds and create lasting change so they can live a more joyous, passionate and fulfilling life. Thank you so much for tuning in and enjoy the show. Hey guys, Lisa Dawn here. Welcome back. I wanted to touch in this week with grief as it's been top of the mind for me in my own life. And I know many people are currently traversing this journey within grief. And so I have some thoughts and practices I'd love to share with you. And I want to add in a caveat that grief is immensely personal and everyone has their own timing within navigating it. And as you know, there are many different variations and depth to loss. So I hope you find these words and this conversation helpful. So I'll start with these beautiful words from a beautiful elder poet, teacher, and shaman, His name is Martin Pritchell. Grief expressed out loud for someone we have lost or a country or home we have lost is in itself the greatest praise we could ever give them. Grief is praise because it is the natural way love honors what it misses. Martin also speaks to this idea of having village criers. There are people in a community who volunteer to cry on behalf of others. They just go through the streets and bear their tears for all to see. And anyone is welcome to join. Anyone who has experienced pain this deep. And sometimes I imagine myself taking part in this one day. So perhaps if you see me out crying in the street, you'll join in too. Sometimes we just need to wail until there's nothing left. I wanted to share something with you, uh, from my own life. At the beginning of April, I had, uh, A moment, a day that I woke up, probably a series of days that I woke up just feeling weepy and sad. And it was just this overall feeling of the world feeling grayed out, stripped of light. And I was going about my day doing the things that I normally do, but everything felt off. My eyes were puffy and red from crying. I believe it was like the third time of the day and it wasn't even 10 a. m. So I took my dog Merlin out for a walk. And somewhere along the way I ran into my dear friend who is also my neighbor. It was probably pretty obvious that I had been crying, so we kind of just stood there and shared an unspoken gaze, and then I asked for a hug. And in that moment of being witnessed, I could feel my heart lighten just enough to feel my legs again. This single moment held so much power. The importance of community, friendship, co regulation just cannot be understated when we are struggling. Then when I got home I decided to do a meditation and a really light breathing practice and shortly after I remembered that this was the day in 2019 where my husband and I had a pregnancy loss. Uh, yes. Now I remember. The body always keeps score. My body was remembering and grieving. And here I thought I had cried all my tears, raged all my anger, expressed all of my disappointment. and lingered in my sadness. But no, here it was on my doorstep once again. I had an appointment later that day, and as I arrived I realized I was standing in a maternity clinic full of parents to be. There were screaming children and very pregnant women everywhere. And in my mind I was thinking, you've gotta be fucking kidding me. Today of all days. Life can be so cruel at times. So before my name was called, I promptly went to the washroom and ugly cried some more in the bathroom stall. It was a day full of tears and sadness. And I realized, as I often do, that life has a way of showing us what is still very much alive within us. And so for those of you out there navigating and grieving any kind of loss, I just, I bow down to you. Grief works that way. Years later, months later, weeks later, it can come out of nowhere and just, and take you out. Grief and praise. I'm reminded we grieve so deeply because we have loved so deeply. I remember a book that I read end to end, probably 10 times over during that time of immense loss for, for me and my family and so I'll share a piece of it now with you. The book is called, It's Okay That You're Not Okay. The Reality of Loss. Here is what I most want you to know. This really is as bad as you think. No matter what anyone else says, this sucks. What has happened cannot be made right. What is lost cannot be restored. Acknowledgement is everything. You're in pain. It can't be made better. There is pain in this world that you can't be cheered out of. You don't need solutions. You don't need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror. Staring at the hole that was your life. Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried. There is nothing wrong with grief. It's a natural expression of love. It's a healthy and sane response to loss. That grief feels bad doesn't make it bad. That you feel crazy doesn't mean you are crazy. Grief is part of love. Love for life, love for self, love for others. What you are living, painful as it is, is love, and love is really hard, excruciating at times, and so is grief. Amen, Megan. Amen. The writer of this book. Everyday life carries losses and grief, and there are different kinds of loss. The loss of good times. The loss of health. The loss of a job, the loss of a home, the loss of a marriage, the loss of a pet, the loss of a friendship. And grief can be experienced when we don't know the people suffering. And that kind of grief is called parasocial. Then there is this intergenerational trauma and grief, which is the handing down of these chronic survival strategy responses from generation to generation. And these can be expressed through our epigenetics. This is unprocessed grief. And then there are the losses that rearrange the world. Deaths that change the way you see everything. Grief that tears everything down. Pain that transports you into a different universe. It affects the connections that define us. And there is no skipping over this kind of grief. Those words were also from Megan's book. So let's just take a moment, a sacred pause. especially if you are in a grieving process right now. Grief can be enormous. And if you're feeling the depth of it right now, I invite you to just put your hand on your heart or on your belly as you acknowledge that this is big and heavy. Then I invite you to feel your feet on the floor. And if it feels really big, begin to push your feet into the floor to activate your legs, to allow for your lower body to extend some of its strength to you right now. You may notice your breath as you do this, or you may not. But just notice how your whole body can be there with you for you in the bigness of it. Let's just let that land for a moment. From a nervous system perspective, numbing is a natural response to something that feels too big and too overwhelming to be with. Or alternatively, it can also turn into rage and many, many other things. I remember after my pregnancy loss, I stayed in bed a lot. All I wanted to do was watch old vampire movies, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and like, occult stuff. Which is definitely not something I regularly tune into. But I was, I was zoning out. And that was exactly what I needed at that time. I also ate an extraordinary amount of pizza. So much pizza. I was frozen for a time. Mmm. And the freeze response is wise, but is also meant to be temporary. And so I just let myself be there. I don't even remember how many weeks went by. But after a while, I knew that it was also important that I allowed the grief to be processed through my body. And this came in its own timing. There was no rushing this. Grief induces a loss of emotional regulation. And during that time, it was like all of my skills went out the window. I did not give a shit to do any of this stuff. I just wanted to be in bed. And what I do know, as with other unprocessed and stressful experiences, is that, When they are unprocessed, they eventually turn into inflammatory responses and other things. And so I knew at some point I needed to find a way to incorporate my body for integration, for healing, for me to. rest, but then also be able to move forward just like an inch at a time. And grieving is a form of learning, one that teaches us how to be in the world without someone we love, or for a life we once had. Grief is that emotional state that can just knock us off our feet, and it can wash over us like a wave. And I think it's important to understand that grief is We're not just grieving the person or the thing. We're grieving future plans. We're grieving the experiences that we can no longer look forward to. We're grieving a life that looks completely different and foreign now. When we have the experience of being in a relationship, the sense of who we are is bound up with that other person. So the word friend, sibling, spouse implies two people, and when that other person is gone, we suddenly have to learn a totally new set of rules to operate in the world. So the we is as important as the you and me, and the brain also encodes it that way. So when people say, I feel like I've lost part of myself, that's fair, and that is for good reason. So part of what is happening in your brain and in your body when you experience immense grief, when studies were conducted on grieving folks, they all showed an activation of a few common areas. So, in our brains, the anterior cingulate cortex, the posterior cingular cortex, both of which are responsible for emotional expression, mood regulation, attention and focus. The prefrontal cortex, which is associated with decision making, reasoning, personality expression and so much more. and the insula and amygdala. So that's our, again, decision making, motor control, processing emotions. And it also affects our adrenals and our endocrine system. So the question becomes, how do we support ourselves, our nervous systems, when we are journeying with grief? How do we support ourselves through ongoing loss? Well, one way is to allow for what some folks call islands of safety. Which is similar to the story I shared earlier about asking for a hug. We allow for connection as hard as it may seem in that moment. So a moment of kind eye contact with a friend, a safe person. One moment of feeling your feet on the floor, feeling the support of the floor, one moment of an embrace from a friend. Our social connections are an absolute necessity when we are on a healing journey. So we want to be able to engage with and be held by those around us. when we feel ready. I also want to say that in cases of severe loss when your life has been entirely imploded, there is no one thing that the loss does not touch. And for those cases, focusing on the body may be just too much at that time. And as a reminder, it's totally fine and okay to turn away from our pain when it is just too big. This is also a kindness. In these times, tending to ourselves with love and respect, just to get ourselves through the tsunami. And when we somewhat have our footing and have the resources and capacity, we can come back to the pain again. So in these times, showing ourselves kindness. and allowing the pain to exist without judgment is key. And when we do come back, we can include our bodies as allies to help us process the grief because they are a vast resource for healing and integration. So if you're feeling up to it, let's just take a moment to do that now. And if not, just have a listen or come back to this another time. So as we sit here, just draw your awareness to your seat, whatever it is you're resting on and your body, maybe even taking a breath, maybe moving a little if you want, and just notice what's there after taking in some of my words. You might feel called to put a hand somewhere on your body if it feels helpful. And just notice where your hands are guided to go. And then once they are there, notice any sensation under your fingertips. Do you feel warm or cold? Is there a numbness or a tightness? Just taking a moment to be with that, a bit of time to be with this sensation or feeling. Whatever it is, just see if you can stay with it. If it's a feeling, sadness, Maybe a little bit of overwhelm, irritation, or even boredom. Just notice it and say hello. Being a bit curious about what is there. And if you do have your hand on your body, this is not to make the feelings or the sensations go away. We're just letting them know that we are offering support. We're letting our internal experience know that we feel it, and we're here for it, and that there's a reason that it's here, and we're just being with that. And then perhaps just seeing if there's a place inside of you that feels okay, or less worse. Maybe this spot is warm and supportive. And if you find that spot, just resting there for a moment and allowing that all right place to hold and support any areas of discomfort. Now, maybe there is absolutely no all right place. And if so, that is okay too. Just notice that perhaps you've reached an edge and bring your attention to the ground, holding your feet. Notice gravity doing its job. And when you're ready, come back into the space and gently gaze around the room. Noticing if there's anything pleasant to look at that grabs your attention. And just take a moment with that. Just noticing what's coming up for you. Maybe nothing in this moment, maybe after you get the urge to do something, or an image of something appears, or a feeling or a movement that is asking for your attention. Just notice that. The sacred pause, it evokes the body's wisdom. We're not making the discomfort go away, we're making room for it. And when we can, When we have the capacity to make the effort to connect with our bodies, the grief can not only become lighter and softer, but it can also transform it into an action that is rooted in the wisdom of our body rather than something reactive. The action that is born of the sacred pause and being led by the body has the ability to help us feel more connected to ourselves. Grief is visceral. It's visceral. not reasonable. It is raw and real. It is love in its most wild form. I want to note that as a culture, we view grief much the same way about how we view negative emotions. We want them to be over and done with. Sadness, grief, pain, they all mean something is wrong with us. Happiness is considered the true mark of wellness. And somehow, prolonged grief is viewed as a detour from a normal and happy life, even though we all experience grief and loss. We believe it is a short term response to a difficult situation, and as such, it should be over within a short amount of time. And if it isn't, you have done something wrong. Listen, there's nothing reasonable about losing someone you love and you can't make grief tidy or predictable to grieve. Well, depends entirely on the person doing the grieving. So instead of putting time restraints on healing and grieving, the new way is to learn how to hurt with each other, how to heal with each other, how to feel with each other. There is a growing need to learn how to be more comfortable with pain because it's inevitable and it's part of life just like death, just like trauma. We have to find ways to show our grief to others in ways that honor our own experience. We need to stop diminishing our own pain so that others can be more comfortable around us. And the more we speak of the reality of grief, the easier it becomes. It does not have to remain in the shadows. So part of this work involves being with others, and part of this work involves learning how to be with ourselves, how to experience ourselves. I have a more in depth, free, somatic grief practice for those in need, which I'll pop in the show notes. So my friends, do grief in your own time. Healing happens over a lifetime of peeling back the layers. resting, then coming back up for air. The hurt will resurface when it wants to, when it needs to be witnessed once again. Allow people to see you as you are, for grief is the price we pay for loving, for being human. And with that, I have a few quotes that I want to end with. The first one is, There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep and still be counted as warriors, Adrienne Rich. The next is self compassion is approaching ourselves, our inner experience with spaciousness, with the quality of allowing, which has the quality of gentleness instead of our usual tendency to want to get over something, to fix it, to make it go away. The path of compassion is totally different. Compassion allows. Robert Gonzalez. So as always, thank you for tuning in. As always, thank you so much for listening. Life is busy. So it means even more that you're carving out time in your day to be here. Listen, we've got so many great episodes coming up, so please make sure you subscribe to follow along on Apple podcasts or Spotify. And for those of you who like to watch your podcasts, we are now uploading them to YouTube. And if you appreciate these episodes, please do us a favor and leave a rating or a review and share it with anyone you think could benefit. See you again next Wednesday.
