Ep. 32 How To Become The Partner You Want - Mini Solo Episode

Understanding Secure Attachment and Transforming Relationship Patterns

In this episode of 'Healed Now What?', host Lisa Dawn delves into the complexities of secure attachment and the importance of healing deep emotional wounds. 

Drawing from her experiences as a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner and Trauma Survivor, Lisa emphasizes transforming the relationship we have with ourselves to foster healthier relationships. She shares insightful quotes on love languages, her personal journey through attachment and relational training, and practical steps to breaking negative patterns. 

The episode highlights the significance of identifying core wounds, fostering secure attachments, and developing new relational skills to promote safety, connection, and happiness in our interactions. Listeners are encouraged to practice these skills in all types of relationships, with a focus on continuous growth and self-awareness.

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00:00 Introduction to Healed Now What?

01:21 Exploring Love Languages

03:21 Attachment and Relational Training Insights

05:29 Personal Journey of Healing

10:25 Understanding and Breaking Patterns

14:45 Developing Secure Attachment Skills

22:38 Final Thoughts and Quotes

24:17 Closing Remarks and Upcoming Episodes

Transcript

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Lisa 0:01

Greetings, my friends, and welcome to another episode of Healed Now What? A podcast where we discuss life, relationships, connection, and trauma through the lens of somatic and attachment psychology, nervous system health, relationships, and self discovery. I'm Lisa Dawn, and I'm on a mission to teach people how to transform their deepest wounds into their greatest strengths by first transforming the relationship they have with themselves. So whether you've had trauma, years of failed partnerships, or just want a better relationship with your body, I've got you covered. I am a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Educator, Relationship Mentor, and Trauma Survivor. With a lifetime of experience helping not only myself, but countless others transform their lives by learning how to become the fullest versions of themselves. Learn more at www. somatic. com We do this through self awareness, connecting with their bodies and changing the way they perceive themselves and others. I have coached innumerous people how to heal their wounds and create lasting change so they can live a more joyous, passionate and fulfilling life. Thank you so much for tuning in and enjoy the show. Hey friends, welcome back to this week's episodes with your host, me, Lisa Dawn. I wanted to start off this week with a few words about belonging and feeling loved in our own unique ways and just check in to see which ones land for you. Maybe even just take a minute to see if someone in particular comes to mind with any of these. These quotes are from a person named Case Kenny. An underrated love language is when someone treats you like you're too important to lose. An underrated love language is when someone isn't phased by your weirdness. They join in on it. An underrated love language is when someone is a calming presence in your life when things get crazy. An underrated love language is when someone offers you a bite of their food. An underrated love language is when someone believes in your dreams as fiercely as you do. An underrated love language is when someone stands up for you when you're not around to see it. Just taking a moment to let all of those kind of land. All of these examples are just so lovely for our topic today. So I just completed a weekend long attachment and relational training, which basically means that I voluntarily led myself into a dark night of the soul. Of course, I'm partly kidding, but really, I'm reminded that this work does require us to bring up the things that hurt us in the past and make peace with them in the present moment. And I'm also reminded that we all have these blind spots and anytime I participate in one of these deep dives into my subconscious, I'm usually surprised at what I find there. They are such a great reminder that this is the work of remembering who we are, and it is vulnerable, and it is challenging, and it shows us who we've been being because of our core wounds. And so it's tender territory. It's confronting to bump up against the things within us that feel unchangeable, sad, overwhelming, and confusing. And these old patterns that arise, they also bring on feelings and situations that sometimes aren't ideal for who we want to become and how we want to be loved. And so as I was contemplating about this episode and what I wanted to share, I figured I'd start there because there are so many things within my own life that have changed because of this work. And so I wanted to give a few examples of these things in hopes that it will be a reminder of how beautiful you are, how far you've come, and how lovable you are. So over this past year, I was really able to hone in on a core wound that used to give me big anxiety about comings and goings. Mostly goings for me. And what I mean by that is arriving somewhere like at a party or a social event or a small gathering, it always felt more comfortable for me to leave a party or a gathering without saying goodbye. So, you know. When I was preparing to leave something, I would begin to feel anxiety bubbling up. And I just, I never knew why. But through doing this work, my subconscious offered up something to me. I realized that this fear of saying goodbye was a particularly painful abandonment wound. If I said goodbye, they may not come back. And of course, this is not what I was consciously thinking. I was consciously thinking that I just had social anxiety. And of course, that might have been tied into this as well. But the bigger wound was this idea of people leaving and not coming back. So for me, ghosting was easier. People used to call me that. People used to say like, Oh, it's just Lisa, she ghosted again. And so to all you fellow ghosters out there, maybe there's an abandonment wound hidden in you as well. Perhaps it's not just social anxiety, but something else fueling that behavior underneath. At least it was for me. And these are the kinds of little things that make us feel like we don't belong or like something is wrong with us. I know I felt that way for many years. But now saying goodbye or see you later feels like a nice way to transition, to have some connection before we part our ways. It's no longer something that I avoid or run away from. And it's interesting because healing this aspect or this part of my abandonment wound seemed to have a domino effect in other areas where abandonment was showing up. And I'm also reminded of another example, relationally. How I was unable to repair with people, but partners in general. I still remember the first time I learned that running away from a difficult conversation wasn't what adults did. Of course, if there's a heated discussion and someone begins name calling and yelling, then by all means, removing yourself from the situation is a good idea. And from a nervous system perspective, the part of our brain that wants to relate and find resolution goes completely offline when there's a full blown fight. So yeah, leave that shit. No problemo. Pride, you guys. I had this disagreement with an ex, and just as I was about to run out the door as I had a hundred times before, he gently grabbed me and pulled me in close. He told me he wanted to work this out with me. He told me he loved me and wanted to see how we can make things better. But in order for us to do that, I had to stay and have a conversation. He told me he knew this was hard for me. And that he was just going to hold me until we both calmed down. Whoa. Inside I was. so confused, but also so comforted. I felt something inside of me give way for that connection, something that knew that it was right. I could feel in that moment, this part of me just kind of melt away. The one that wanted to run. I began sobbing and it was one of those course correcting moments. I had received someone really just loving me. modeling secure attachment in a way that completely blew past my armor, my anger, my rage. Prior to that I just didn't know how to let that kind of care in. I definitely had people who had tried but I just wasn't able to take it in to fully receive it. My internal filter was one of defensiveness and always just kind of being on the lookout for threat and for people to leave me and if that was going to be the case I was going to leave them first. So I wouldn't have to feel the depths of that rejection or abandonment. Patterns. So what that boils down to is that if we are unwilling to do the work, to break our patterns, then we just keep recycling old painful relationships with new faces. And again, this is not about judging and shaming ourselves. It's more about saying, look, this is what I learned. And now I'm I need to learn something different. I'm willing to change it. And for me, some other, some other really painful patterns were that I was addicted to push and pull relationships. So hot and cold my nervous system just didn't know how to register a safe and secure relationship I was attracted to what I couldn't have because what I wanted was always just out of my reach I had learned that it was normal for partners to be ambivalent about me I learned somewhere along the way that someone not choosing me fully I thought I had to prove myself to receive love. Rejection terrified me. I thought I loved the chase and the feelings of excitement that came with it, but when people showed me availability, I became scared and distant. I didn't realize that My nervous system was primed for that and then I had to look at my own unavailability because for me it was a projection. If I was truly available, I wouldn't tolerate unavailability, but that's what I was doing for so many years. And so from a attachment perspective, certain relationships make us feel intensely anxious while others can make us feel like we're suffocating. Some can confuse us. Some can make us feel like we're going crazy. It's important to know that the different relationships can trigger different attachment wounds. And yet we can practice the skills of secure attachment when we are single and when we are in relationships. And in this way we can become more secure within ourselves first. So we already have a felt sense of what that can look like in relationship. So just want to take a moment there. How do we start this journey? Well, we begin by acknowledging and recognizing that. A pattern is inviting us to change. Then we make a decision and seek help if it feels too overwhelming or we don't know where to begin. We take a stand for ourselves. We might decide that this is no longer a pattern I'm participating in. I no longer consent to being in this pattern. And an interesting thing starts to happen when we choose growth and liberation. The relationships around us will shift. This next level of love requires more of us, not less. And it also requires more than we've previously given. So we can learn to lean into our anger, our grief, and our sadness. We can relearn to create a home within ourselves. We can learn how to lean into connection rather than running from it. We can learn how to differentiate between pleasure and activation. And you know, sometimes we have to break up with who we were to get to this newer version of ourselves. and we can choose to break up in a mutual understanding and a love for who we've been. Then we can choose to begin to embody secure attachment by developing some skills so we can feel better in our relationships now regardless of what those look like. So there are some things that I've learned along the way. There are things that secure folks do naturally and I call them secure rules which can help us find secure in our relationships over a period of time. And these are muscles we can build. So outside of therapy and working on the wounds that are keeping us in old patterns, there are these skills that we can develop to help retrain our systems to become the love that we want. Let's begin, shall we? Now, again, I want to reiterate that these things can be practiced in your intimate partnerships, in your friendships, and also when you're single. So number one. Secure folks expect that things are going to be okay when there is a disturbance or a disagreement. If someone needs space, they give it. If someone needs to come and go, that's okay too, as long as there's check ins. Number two, secure folks don't threaten the relationship. So, people with secure attachment don't do things that would make their partner feel worried or insecure about the relationship. So, an example of this would be ultimatums or threats of leaving the partnership. And oh my god, this was my go to for so many years. Anytime that we would hit a rough patch, I would threaten to leave. It was so black and white for me, even at the hint of something not aligning, I would try and leave. Number three. Taking time in transitions to reassure someone. So, when someone has relational woundings, transitions are often when these wounds surface. So, some examples of this are when you decide to move in with someone, when you're leaving for work or coming home, during big or stressful times. Secure folks take extra steps to make sure their partner feels supported and secure. Number 5. Responding positively for bids of connection. So again, this idea of being attentive and responsive when your partner seeks attention, affection, or support. So if your partner shares something interesting or asks for your opinion, engaging and showing interests, or when your partner reaches out for physical affection or emotional support, responding warmly and positively, you know, it's like, even though I'm annoyed. When I'm working and you come home and ask me to have a dance party with you, I know that 88 percent of the time people with secure attachment respond positively to bids for connection. So I'm going to learn to stop, have a quick dance party with you and not be annoyed. And then on the other side of that, for the other person, I know that interrupting you to have a dance party is annoying to you. So I'm going to do that less. So it's this interplay between respecting each other and acknowledging what's important to one another. And again, this is all work in progress. Just the other day, my hubby was really excited about his new office furniture and I literally told him I didn't care about his damn office setup and to go and talk to someone else about it. So that wasn't very secure of me. But this also doesn't mean we have to be excited about and interested about everything that our partner cares about. But showing interest about things that are important to them most of the time is really important. Number six. Secure folks repair with each other. So what it means, they're good at fixing conflicts or misunderstandings in the relationship and they accept their partner's efforts to make things right as well. So if there's an argument, they apologize. If they're wrong, they work together to solve the problem. And they also accept their partner's apologies and efforts to repair the relationship instead of holding grudges or staying angry. So choosing to apologize and seek repair in spite of our fears, insecurities, or pride is one of the most profound ways to show someone that you truly care about them and about the relationship. So even though it's hard for me, I know what is going to promote safety in this relationship is if I step in and apologize. This is scary and perhaps I don't want to do it, but I'm going to apologize to this person. And then I also recognize that maybe it's hard for me to receive an apology, but I'm going to practice letting it in when it comes. Conflict and ruptures are an inevitable part of every single relationship dynamic. We will fuck up. We're going to hurt people we love. So learning how to repair is so incredibly important. And it will come. With practice, you'll just get better at it. So these are some of the things that promote safety and expansion in any relationship. Even if you just take one or two from this list and begin implementing them in your current relationships, you'll notice some changes. Learning these things and practicing brings secure functioning and rewires the brain. So we practice, we do something different, and we get a different result. So if you're someone who runs when things get difficult, do the opposite of that and see what happens. If you're someone who manipulates others into getting what you want, try telling the truth or being more vulnerable about your needs. One of the main reasons we try and manipulate others is because we don't feel like they will love us if we show them who we are. If we are honest about how we are really feeling, they'll leave us. And also by remembering that, Being compassionate does not mean that we have to tolerate something. We can be compassionate and not tolerate shitty behavior. We can know why someone has hurt us and still not put up with the behavior or their bullshit. We can be compassionate with ourselves and no longer tolerate the ways in which we are behaving or doing relationships. And again, our patterns will show us what needs our attention. And if we don't pay attention, our wounds end up running the show. So we have to begin to challenge the way that we behave and the wounds that we carry in order to just start to feel better in relationship. And again, outside of therapy, there are ways that we can do this and start to develop that within ourselves. So the secure rules I talked about help to maintain a healthy and happy relationship by ensuring that both partners feel connected and supported, and that any issues are quickly and effectively resolved. And something really profound to understand is that there is this battle. going on between our inner child who is scared and wants safety and connection, our inner teenager who is angry and wants justice, and then there's our current self who's just tired and wants peace. So we can begin to create the environment for things to flourish within ourselves. And as per usual, I wanted to finish with just a few beautiful quotes from one of my mentors. Being comfortable in your own skin and having tools that help you relax is a really big deal, but learning how to feel safe with others is revolutionary. We can never be completely safe, but we can move towards relative safety. We will never have our needs met perfectly, and we will never be nor have the perfect parent or partner. Thankfully, that's not required for deep and lasting healing. As we grow out of our wounded self and become a more securely attached resilient being, we can foster the same process in others, becoming intimacy initiators and connection coaches for our families, friends, and the larger world. All of those quotes are from Diane Poole Heller. So, as always, thank you for joining me. Thank you for being here. And bye for now. As always, thank you so much for listening. Life is busy. So it means even more that you're carving out time in your day to be here. Listen, we've got so many great episodes coming up, so please make sure you subscribe to follow along on Apple podcasts or Spotify. And for those of you who like to watch your podcasts, we are now uploading them to YouTube. And if you appreciate these episodes, please do us a favor and leave a rating or a review and share it with anyone you think could benefit. See you again next Wednesday.