In this episode Lisa Dawn explores the concept of holding space, specifically in the context of attachment and interrelating work.
She delves into the importance of self-soothing, reparenting our inner child, and transforming attachment wounds in adult relationships.
Through personal anecdotes and psychological insights,
Lisa explains how patterns of anxious and avoidant behaviours can be addressed and shifted towards healthier dynamics.
The episode emphasizes the need for developing self-awareness, compassion, and effective communication to create more fulfilling, joyous relationships.
In this episode Lisa Dawn explores the concept of holding space, specifically in the context of attachment and interrelating work.
She delves into the importance of self-soothing, reparenting our inner child, and transforming attachment wounds in adult relationships.
Through personal anecdotes and psychological insights,
Lisa explains how patterns of anxious and avoidant behaviours can be addressed and shifted towards healthier dynamics.
The episode emphasizes the need for developing self-awareness, compassion, and effective communication to create more fulfilling, joyous relationships.
Greetings, my friends, and welcome to another episode of Healed Now What? A podcast where we discuss life, relationships, connection, and trauma through the lens of somatic and attachment psychology, nervous system health, relationships, and self discovery. I'm Lisa Dawn, and I'm on a mission to teach people how to transform their deepest wounds into their greatest strengths by first transforming the relationship they have with themselves. So whether you've had trauma, years of failed partnerships, or just want a better relationship with your body, I've got you covered. I am a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Educator, Relationship Mentor, and Trauma Survivor. With a lifetime of experience helping not only myself, but countless others transform their lives by learning how to become the fullest versions of themselves. Learn more at www. somatic. com We do this through self awareness, connecting with their bodies and changing the way they perceive themselves and others. I have coached innumerous people how to heal their wounds and create lasting change so they can live a more joyous, passionate and fulfilling life. Thank you so much for tuning in and enjoy the show. Hey friends, Lisa Dawn here. Welcome back to this week's episode. So last week I shared about the power of plant medicine and reparenting our inner child. So today And this week, I want to share a bit more about that, but from the perspective of attachment, interrelating, reparenting work, and this idea of holding space for ourselves and others. So let's just begin by kind of defining what is holding space. And I really like this definition. that I saw somewhere along the way. And we're using this in the context of romantic or even platonic relationships. So holding space, what is it? It is essentially being present and being able to be with a person and being able to allow for their experience. as you have your own experience, but not interrupting their experience with your own. So it's about learning how to show up without getting defensive or reactive, being able to experience another's frustration, anger, or both. and then being able to respond from a place of non reactivity. Now that can be a pretty tall order, I understand. And you guessed it, when we learn how to do this for ourselves, we get better at doing this with others. So holding space for ourselves means we give ourselves permission to feel what we need to feel The space just to be here exactly as we are, exactly who we are, and from that place, we gently find our way forward. So often as adults, We come to realize that through healing some of our own relational wounds that perhaps we didn't have someone to hold space for us when we really, really needed it. And as a result, we had to try and make sense of things that no child can make sense of on their own, especially if these wounds came from like early developmental phases. So it's important that we're talking about this idea of reparenting ourselves, reparenting the little us, the innocent, vulnerable, and irrational little you that had feelings that didn't make sense and may not make sense. not have known how to express them. And as unfair as it may seem sometimes, as an adult, it's our job to tend to the little yous, your inner child, and learn to self soothe in moments of heightened emotion, stress, or fear. And when we're talking about relational wounds showing up in our adult relationships, we're usually talking about attachment wounds or attachment ruptures. So why is this? Conversation important. Well, the reason we want to know this is because while we can't change what happened to us, we can change how we make sense of what happened to us, how we adapted to what happened to us and how those things have affected our development as an adult. So a couple of those ways are. anxious and avoidant patterns. So what these typically look like is one person who is overextending themselves. So moving towards applying pressure, making demands. So that's more on the anxious side. And then there's one person who is underextending. So, moving away, shutting down, and under communicative. And then we have disorganized attachment, which typically arises when there are both anxious and avoidant patterns present at the exact same time. So, we want love, but we are also terrified of it. This one is marked by some kind of early abuse or being terrified of a caregiver. So, if you're the anxious one in the equation, you might think that it's the avoidant person throwing the wrench in the wheel. But I like to reframe this. What if their avoidance is a gift to you? An invitation for you to slow down. Get present with yourself in the midst of having big emotions and learning how to feel your way through without grasping for someone externally. Now if you are the avoidant one in the equation, you may feel your partner is needy or overly emotional. And it's equally important to remember that their emotions are a gift to you. They are an invitation to see the importance of emotionally connecting. They are inviting you to tap into the safety of intimacy in a way that requires you to open to your emotional side and tap into your feelings about needing others. But either way, as the anxious partner, as long as we're overly focused on the other person and what they need to do for us to be okay, the pattern cannot shift. And then as the avoidant partner, as long as we believe we don't need others and are better off alone, the deeper we go into that. When we can retrain our adult brains to realize that it's safe to be vulnerable and reach out to celebrate others being with us and truly allow ourselves to feel and celebrate the fact that we do actually need others, then that pattern can shift. So our responsibility as the anxious person in this dynamic is to learn how to hold space for ourselves and take the pressure off the other person, because the reality is, even if our avoidant partners did show up in the exact way that we desire, we might feel better momentarily, but the wound won't heal. is still there. So self soothing is about learning how to calm our nervous systems down and be there for ourselves when we feel scared. And our responsibility as the avoidant partner is to realize and nurture the part of us that wants connection, but has adapted away from it. We need to learn how to invite connection in and not push it away. We need to learn how to allow others to support us and nurture us. Patterns can break when we are able to look at a situation with a fresh perspective and change not only our behavior but our internal dialogue about the problem. Because as long as we believe the problem is outside of us, the pattern will find a way to emerge in different relationships over and over again. So, in essence, in every scenario, we are mothering our inner child. We are nurturing that little one inside of you who needs attention, who wants to feel safe, seen, heard, and loved. And we can find people to fill that space for us temporarily, but at the end of the day there's nothing more healing than learning how we can hold space for ourselves. And it's also important to know that different relationships can elicit or evoke different attachment patterns within us. So while we might experience avoidance in some, we may feel anxious and disorganized in others. And I wanted to use an example of how this can play out in long term relationships or short term relationships when there is a push pull dynamic or a runner and chaser dynamic when one person is more ambivalent or anxious and the other one is more avoidant or dismissive. I also want to note that even within my own long term relationship and other relationships, I have experienced avoidant tendencies, anxious tendencies, and disorganized tendencies. So I just want to say that. There can be many phases, even in one single relationship, even if we have kind of a dominant attachment style or adaptation. So as per usual, I'm going to use myself as an example, because I have lots of examples. I remember when my husband Tim and I realized we were playing out old patterns, how hard it was at first to even realize that this was happening. But when we did, we knew that there was definitely a power struggle phase going on. So for a time, I played an anxious role. and he played an avoidant role. I would lean in and apply pressure. When we would fight, I was, like, relentless. I needed resolution, like, right now to feel okay. Let's talk about this now. Let's go. Let's go. And I would just keep pushing to the point that both of us couldn't actually communicate any more effectively at all. And then he would shut down and try and take space And I would just keep going and going and going, missing the cues of him actually not being able to have a conversation anymore. And actually I couldn't either. I just, I didn't realize it. And if you're an anxious type, I don't need to tell you how long even a few hours feels when there is disharmony or no resolution in any of your relationships. So for a while I looked at the issue as a him problem. His avoidance or shutting down was clearly in the way of us being able to connect and relate consciously. And for the pattern to shift, he was the one that needed to lean in. Well, I had a blind spot. And that was the fact that of course he couldn't possibly lean in when I was suffocating him every time we had a conflict. Oopsie. At this point, I had just started to learn about attachment work. So I knew that he was only half the problem and I was equally responsible, but then I didn't exactly know how to hold space for myself. I didn't know how to self soothe. And I also didn't, um, know how to self regulate. And as I began to learn these skills, surprisingly, we began to have different kinds of conversations. So when we would go into a disagreement or argument and either of us started to get overwhelmed, I explained that when he pulled away from me, I felt like an abandoned five year old again. And he shared that he felt overwhelmed by my big emotions, which made him feel like he was floating away and basically dissociating. And this helped us both understand our behavior and have compassion for each other and ourselves. And I was able to see his avoidance for what it was, fear, overwhelm, and stress. And I was able to truly be in my heart with him more and stop taking his behavior personally. As he learned more about me, he was able to see my sensitive little girl. that was just seeking love and support. And he would let me know that when he was taking space, he wasn't thinking of leaving the relationship. I was on his mind and that he loved me very much. And him revealing this to me showed me that he cared, but also wanted connection and safety to speak his mind. And that taking space was just a necessary self care piece. And that was so soothing for me to hear. And then one day when conflict arose, as it does, I noticed that he started to shut down. I could see his posture change and his eyes begin to gloss over. And I was able at that moment to choose a different path. So this time, um, I just looked at him and said, why don't we both take some space from this conversation? I can see that you're getting really upset and this is not the way I want this conversation to go because I'm also getting even more anxious and irritated and I want both of us to feel supported. So I went into the other room. Changed into my most comfortable, beloved house coat. For those of you who know me know I clock a lot of hours in my house coat. I wrapped myself up in a blanket. I put my hands on my heart and on my tummy and I just let go. I cried. and cried and cried. I felt the pain of being abandoned well up inside of me and I just told myself that, look, like I'm not going anywhere. I grieved the lack of emotional support I had with my big emotions growing up and I just nourished that little girl the best that I could in that moment. I reminded myself that I am not that scared little girl anymore, but an adult woman who could now make different choices. So in essence, I began to take care of my own emotional needs and in that I was able to hold more space for Tim's process. And this is when things really began to shift. We began moving towards each other. He shut down less and less, and my system was able to relax and be okay with unexpected changes of plans. I also felt calmer because I no longer needed something from him. And he felt a sense of freedom because he was no longer on the hook to be different or to show up on my terms only. Now, I do want to say that This pattern took some time to shift, thinking back on it, reflecting back on it was probably about two years of having different conversations and opening up to deeper parts of ourselves. And of course, these days we don't spend a lot of time fighting, but rather being really honest with each other. And having developed the ability to really listen to each other and respond to each of our needs rather than react. It's just a beautiful thing that at one point in our relationship I didn't see as being possible. And of course this isn't true 100 percent of the time. And we are by no means perfect, but we have learned how to hold space for each other. And I know in previous episodes, I've likely shared similar stories to this, but it is about this ability to be able to attune to ourselves that allows us to also attune to others, me just picking up on cues of Tim feeling unsafe. And going into a protective mode and now he has this ability to do that for me as well. And what a beautiful thing, what a beautiful skill to have. So this pattern shifted because we were, we both learned to develop compassion for each other in times of conflict. We chose to deepen our self awareness and let go of our rigidity a little bit faster each time. And slowly we develop the maturity in our relationship to. drop our projections and stop responding to one another from our wounds. And what a beautiful thing that that was and continues to be. So as I grew in my capacity to self soothe and self regulate, Tim grew in his own capacity to do the same and to hold the space in times of conflict without shutting down. So I want to circle back to, this idea at the beginning of this episode about holding space and how it is another skill we can develop that can completely change our lives. Holding space for yourself means learning how to be more present and grounded in the face of discomfort and disruption. How to soothe yourself when your nervous system becomes dysregulated. How to develop healthier, boundaries, how to release other people's baggage, how to stand more confidently in your own sovereignty and uniqueness, how to forgive yourself when you fumble and how to show up in your relationships with more grace and groundedness. That was a quote from someone and I unfortunately did not write down the name. So that's all for this week, folks. I hope that you enjoyed this episode and stay tuned for more next week. Bye for now. As always, thank you so much for listening. Life is busy. So it means even more that you're carving out time in your day to be here. 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