Healed Now What? Understanding and Setting Boundaries for Healthier Relationships
In this episode of Healed Now What?, Lisa delves deep into the critical topic of boundaries. She explains the importance of boundaries in maintaining healthy relationships and personal well-being, and provides practical advice on how to identify and establish them.
Lisa talks about the physical and emotional repercussions of boundary violations and offers a body-based exercise to help listeners connect with their internal 'yes' and 'no' cues. She also addresses common challenges like guilt, fear, and awkwardness when setting boundaries and highlights the long-term benefits of boundary-setting in enhancing life and relationships.
Healed Now What? Understanding and Setting Boundaries for Healthier Relationships
In this episode of Healed Now What?, Lisa delves deep into the critical topic of boundaries. She explains the importance of boundaries in maintaining healthy relationships and personal well-being, and provides practical advice on how to identify and establish them.
Lisa talks about the physical and emotional repercussions of boundary violations and offers a body-based exercise to help listeners connect with their internal 'yes' and 'no' cues. She also addresses common challenges like guilt, fear, and awkwardness when setting boundaries and highlights the long-term benefits of boundary-setting in enhancing life and relationships.
Greetings, my friends, and welcome to another episode of Healed Now What? A podcast where we discuss life, relationships, connection, and trauma through the lens of somatic and attachment psychology, nervous system health, relationships, and self discovery. I'm Lisa Dawn, and I'm on a mission to teach people how to transform their deepest wounds into their greatest strengths by first transforming the relationship they have with themselves. So whether you've had trauma, years of failed partnerships, or just want a better relationship with your body, I've got you covered. I am a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Educator, Relationship Mentor, and Trauma Survivor. With a lifetime of experience helping not only myself, but countless others transform their lives by learning how to become the fullest versions of themselves. Learn more at www. somatic. com We do this through self awareness, connecting with their bodies and changing the way they perceive themselves and others. I have coached innumerous people how to heal their wounds and create lasting change so they can live a more joyous, passionate and fulfilling life. Thank you so much for tuning in and enjoy the show. Hey guys, Lisa Dawn here. Welcome back to this week's episode of the Healed Now What Podcast. So this week we are gonna go back into a topic that we've discussed on previous episodes, which is the topic of boundaries. So listen, there are literally volumes to be written and have been written about boundaries and rightly so. They are a fundamental ingredient for healthy and beautiful relationships. Now, I won't be covering everything that could be covered about boundaries, but I will touch why boundaries are critical for every relationship and how to begin noticing when yours are crossed, um, or even when some boundaries may need to be put in place and a few practices to help guide you along your way. So boundaries, what are they? They are expectations and needs that help us to feel safe and comfortable in our relationships. These are the things that help us stay mentally and emotionally well, because there is clarity. I would also add in there, they help us stay physically well. Boundaries are also a way of practicing assertiveness and self discipline to create the lives we want. They allow us to build trust within ourselves and with others, and they are quite literally the foundation of having deep and meaningful connections. Why? Well, because boundaries set us free. Not having healthy boundaries can feel like resentment, unhappiness, unfulfilling relationships, feeling overwhelmed, and also codependency. Boundaries can be disguised as issues with taking care of ourselves and our needs, conflicts with other people, trouble with time management, or even social media and spending too much time there. Sometimes we need to set boundaries with ourselves and sometimes we need to set boundaries with others. There are some pretty common signs that perhaps it would be beneficial to. Start putting some boundary boundaries in place, and so I'll just name a few here So one of them is you feel overwhelmed. So this one is big and often not clearly defined There is resentment towards people asking you for help. You feel burned out You daydream about disappearing and dropping everything. You somehow do not have time for yourself. You avoid things by disappearing, ignoring, or cutting people off. Then there are also somatic. boundary ruptures. So this is the way that our bodies register a boundary crossing or repeated boundary breaks. And somatic boundary ruptures refer to the experience of a sudden intense disruption in one's sense of physical and emotional safety and integrity. These ruptures can occur due to various reasons, such as trauma, sudden stress, or a violation of personal boundaries. So some of the physical manifestations of boundary ruptures are hyperarousal. So this is basically when our bodies go into fight or flight that is triggered within us. We can experience them as muscle tension. So feeling tense or constricted in different areas of our body. We can feel pain and discomfort. And this could look like sensitivities to sounds, light, environments, allergies, headaches, chronic pain, gastrointestinal issues, and so much more. We can experience boundary ruptures as dissociation and numbing as a protective mechanism. So along with that is our, you know, our different feeling states when a boundary has been violated and often repeatedly, we may experience fear and anxiety. We might experience anger or rage. We could experience shame or guilt. We might experience sadness or grief. And then our behaviors may begin to match how we feel inside. So we could feel withdrawn or isolated. So, we may withdraw from social interactions to protect ourselves from further harm. We may be avoidant, so there might be a strong tendency to avoid situations, places, or people associated with the rupture. There might be some compulsive behaviors. So engaging in behavior such as overworking, eating, substance abuse as a way to cope. And so it's important to recognize that again, these are all ways that we adapt to a boundary being crossed. And so you can see how incredibly important healthy boundaries are, and the good news is that repairing them is totally possible. And we want to work on this because not only do boundaries give us a stronger and more foundational sense of ourselves, our worth, and our edges, but also the clarity we receive from boundaries saves lives. our relationships. And now I want to say that it isn't easy to set limits especially with the people we love and it may feel and seem far worse to risk making someone mad than to have an uncomfortable conversation. Now what I want to say about this is that for so many of us boundary ruptures happen when we were little. And in order to stay safe or survive, we may have felt we had to forgo our own boundaries to be loved, which is why setting these boundaries now as an adult can feel so daunting. They can even evoke a survival response within us. I know I've definitely had experiences where I went to set a boundary or have a conversation with someone and feeling shaky and unable to access my voice. Okay, so these These things can be pretty strong and pretty intense. And as children, we were perhaps learning from our caregivers or our immediate, uh, intimate circles of close knit friends and family who perhaps didn't have boundaries either. So we just didn't learn how to develop them. And as I've mentioned in past episodes, this is part of the work that we're doing here, is this work of reparenting ourselves as adults, so setting boundaries now. It's so freeing to get to the point where we have developed strong boundaries and we feel strong in them. It's now more easeful. It feels good to let people in, to let them get to know us. And when we are realizing we're having some kind of a boundary issue, then we communicate the need. for a boundary and follow it up with action. And we do this by repetition. So is it uncomfortable? Yep. Is it necessary? Definitely. And the more that we do it, the easier it gets. I promise you this. And it gets easier when we experience the peace of mind that follows. Having set the boundary and then having it met and sometimes even when the boundary doesn't get met that's okay Because we're developing this strong foundational core of knowing that our needs matter And sometimes we know that we need to set boundaries, but we literally have no idea where to start So in this conversation, we're talking about boundaries as the gateway to healthy relationships And I want to say too that complicated relationships are among the leading causes of increasing rates of anxiety and depression, which are two of the most common reasons that people pursue therapy. Something that was extremely help, helpful for me and so many of my clients is this process of learning, your body's boundaries first. It's such a great place to begin to build your own confidence to know how you feel about something. So I'll give you a simple exercise that you can practice that over time will help you to include your body in your decision making process. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with your people. It helps people see you and know you. Boundaries help us find our people. So, this practice is basically locating your yes and your no in your body. This practice is easier to practice real time. So, what I mean by that is when someone asks you to do something in the present moment, But you can also just practice by thinking about things that you want to do and things that you don't want to do. So for the purpose of this episode, we're just going to think of the things that evoke either a yes or a no response within us. So, go ahead right now and just think of something that you have said yes to that you feel at ease about doing. So this is something that was just kind of like an easy yes, like of course, like this is something I want to do. This is something that feels good for me. I'll just give you a moment to bring that up in your awareness. It could be, some examples are meeting up with a friend for tea, maybe going on a mini vacation or attending a party. So again, just take a moment to really bring that up in your awareness. And now just tune in. See if you can identify where the yes is located in your body. Where is the yes located in your body? Try not to think about it too much, just see if a part of your body pops into your mind. This might feel like a tingly sensation, maybe some warmth or even some coolness. It may feel expansive and pleasant to see what your body is offering up as your yes and really notice the sensations or images that come along with that yes. Now, if you are someone who is not used to connecting with your body in this way, not to fear. Repetition is literally the way into our subconscious, which is our body. So just keep practicing and your body will open up more and more each time you do. So now when you have a clear sense of your yes, let's move on to your no. So now the invitation is to think of something that you don't want to do. So whether that is something you've already agreed to or some kind of hypothetical thing you know you don't like doing, just give yourself a moment to bring that into mind and just see where the no lives in you. Is there a place in your body that is expressing the no? What does that feel like? Where is it? Just get a little bit more familiar with this part of your body that is expressing the no. Does it feel tension, constriction? Is it hot? And then to take this a step further, just check in and see what behaviors, movements, and language or emotions Do you notice arising when you say yes, when you really mean no? What behaviors, movements, and language or emotions arise when you say yes, when you really mean no? So you're just going to make note. And this is a beautiful practice to start to develop this felt sense of your yes and of your no, of your boundaries, your bodily boundaries. So I want to dig a little bit deeper into the ways a lack of healthy boundaries can show up in our lives. So have you ever found yourself saying things like, I don't have any time to do anything for myself? Perhaps you can't manage to carve out time to eat a healthy meal or even take a few minutes to meditate, but then at the same time. We can spend hours a day helping out others. Been there, done that. And that's not to say that helping out others is not a necessary part of life, but if it's consistently carving out time for other folks but not tending to our own needs and care, this is where these things can show up. Neglecting self care is part of not having boundaries. It's part of learning how to pay attention to your needs, and that is self care. Saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well being is an act of self care. So, overwhelm. I can't stress this one enough as it's a huge part in how lack of boundary shows up in our lives. We give and we give and we give until there just isn't enough time for us. When we begin to set boundaries, it allows us to give our full attention to the tasks that are important to us without that nagging sense of feeling overwhelmed all the time. Next on the list is resentment. So again, this feeling of being taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, and bitter is the result of the resentment we feel when we don't set limits and long term. Resentment colors the way that we perceive the intention of others. It actually doesn't allow us to be our best selves and we end up doing things for others out of obligation most of the time rather than for the joy of helping someone. The next one is avoidance. So feeling the need to disappear off the face of the earth or running away. Prolonging issues by avoiding them just means the same issues will reappear over and over again. It's kind of like this passive aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up and just hoping that the problem will go away. So it's this fear based response. And there are also levels. of boundaries, which I'll just go into briefly. So there are porous boundaries. So these are weak or poorly expressed boundaries. And they oftentimes lead to us feeling depleted, overextending ourselves. They bring up anxiety and so many other things. So think The inability to say no, people pleasing, accepting mistreatment without saying anything, the fear of being rejected so we don't speak up, and codependency live here. And then on the other end of the spectrum, we have rigid boundaries. So these are about building walls to keep others out as a way to keep ourselves safe. And this was my personal go to. So we're thinking never sharing, building walls, avoiding vulnerability, and then cutting people out of our lives. And then there are healthy boundaries. And so this becomes possible when our past doesn't show up in our present interactions. Healthy boundaries require a level of awareness of our emotional, mental, and physical capacity combined with communication. So these are things like listening to our own opinion, valuing our own opinion, sharing with others appropriately, being clear about our values, being comfortable with saying no. So, where do we go from here? Well, the first step is communicating your boundary. Well, the first step is, in my opinion, to start practicing with your body. And then the next step is communicating your boundary and then taking action when it is not met. So, I'll give you an example. Say you have a friend who is consistently running late and it's causing some anger and resentment. And it also ends up putting you in a time crunch too for other commitments. So you might say something like, Hey, so the last few times you were late really upset the flow of the rest of my day. And I end up feeling resentful and frustrated, and I'd rather enjoy our time together. For future meetups, I'd appreciate you letting me know if you'll be running late. And if you'll be later than 20 minutes, I'm just going to go ahead and continue on with my plan so I can still do the things I need to do without feeling crunched. Now you've established a boundary. You can breathe now, inhale and exhale. And now it's up to you to follow through with action if that boundary is not met. So for example. If someone is running late and they're going to be longer than 20 minutes, you actually go ahead and continue on with other plans and errands after waiting those 20 minutes. So reinforcing the boundary is just as important as setting it. Another couple things that make boundary setting and communicating a lot easier is be clear. Do your best to be as straightforward as possible. simple language and speak in your normal voice. There's no need to yell or to whisper. You can start by taking a breath, feeling your feet on the ground. and focus on being as clear and precise as you can. And then state your needs or requirements, or just say no without apologizing. Ask for what you want and need and identify your expectations. And listen, I'm just going to tell it straight. There is no way to minimize the discomfort when you set a boundary or when you're just learning how to set boundaries for the first time. And just know that feeling guilty is part of the process. It's just programming about You being bad for telling people what you need or want. And it will come and go, let it want to get more comfortable with the discomfort of setting boundaries. And fear will often come up as we assume the worst, we worry about how we're going to be perceived if we said the right or wrong thing, and we actually have no way of knowing how someone is going to respond to our assertiveness. And this too is part of the process. Now, every time you set a boundary, you're reaffirming to yourself that you matter. Your needs and wants and desires matter. That's so important. I also want to say that sadness may arise because we don't want to hurt people's feelings. But this is also worst case scenario thinking. We want the people in our lives to just get it, but they won't actually get it until we express it. The next thing that I want to address is that it's going to be awkward as shit. This too is normal. You're just learning a new skill. So recognize that you are doing something good for yourself and continue being normal in your relationship because setting boundaries is in fact normal. So I want to give a few more ways that you can dabble in boundary setting. Communicate boundaries in current relationships as well as new relationships. I'm just going to keep it really simple. So in your current relationship. or relationships. If you are someone who always needs an excuse to say no, oh my god this was me and sometimes I still catch myself doing it. So if this is you, practice not explaining yourself or providing a detailed story about what is behind your no. Whoo, and breathe. It's going to be okay. And of course, there may be times when it's okay to give a brief explanation, so you can use your discretion, but this is such a great muscle to build if you are someone who really struggles with saying no without an explanation. And then in your new relationships, um, You can just begin by mentioning what you want casually in conversations as you're getting to know people. So this is just such a beautiful and casual way to allow people to get to know you. You can be clear about your expectations. Speaking up about the things that bother you. Again, this is about the safety of being known, letting people know you. And you're going to run into some tricky bits, you know, like what happens when someone is being difficult about your boundary by, you know, getting defensive or giving pushback or giving you the silent treatment. Well, the truth is, is that over time you'll learn to be okay with some of these things because first you have no control about how someone is going to react to your boundary. And secondly, in some cases, you're asking people for something that could be difficult for them in the present moment. So there's a few things that you can remind yourself of in these cases. Remind yourself that setting a boundary is a loving and caring thing to do in all of your relationships. And with that, there will have to be a certain acceptance that It's not always going to be something that you want to hear, because other people are entitled to the response. And then, you can decide in that moment not to take it personally. You can continue to show up for yourself and let people know you, so that you can experience the freedom, comfort, and ease of deepening all of your relationships by setting boundaries. And remember this, you don't have to be boundaryless to be loved. Again, as I said at the beginning, there is so much more on this topic of boundaries. I've decided that I'm putting together a mini course to see, to teach about some other things, the six different kinds of boundaries, more somatic boundary practices. We'll get into Um, what to do when handling different types of pushback, guilt tripping, and how to develop beautiful yet flexible boundaries to enhance your relationships, ditch overwhelm, and set firm boundaries that stick. So I'm going to pop in the show notes a little, um, email list that you can sign up for to be notified when it's available. I wanted to leave you with a few quotes to contemplate about boundaries. Thanks. Bye. The first is, you're not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. The author is unknown for that one. And then this other one is, daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. And that's from my girl, Brene Brown. Okay folks, so that is all for this, this week's episode. See you again next Wednesday. As always, thank you so much for listening. Life is busy. So it means even more that you're carving out time in your day to be here. Listen, we've got so many great episodes coming up, so please make sure you subscribe to follow along on Apple podcasts or Spotify. And for those of you who like to watch your podcasts, we are now uploading them to YouTube. And if you appreciate these episodes, please do us a favor and leave a rating or a review and share it with anyone you think could benefit. See you again next Wednesday.
