23. Identity Shift: We Are More Than Our Roles, Titles and Activities
Mar 20, 2024
Christina Kohl
As I created my son Alex's senior collage of pictures for high school, a wave of realization washed over me: these pictures showcased what he does, his activities, but do they truly capture who he is? This revelation struck a chord, reminding me that while being a baseball player or an Eagle Scout are labels, the things we DO don't define WHO we are. That's the heart of our discussion in this week's episode of her next chapter's podcast. I invite you into a candid conversation about the profound journey of redefining our identities as we moms transition to becoming empty nesters.
We're not just discussing the 'how' of starting anew; we're exploring the 'who' that emerges when the titles fall away. Ready to uncover a sense of self that transcends your roles? Tune in for a dose of inspiration and empowerment—because who we are is so much more than our daily activities and accomplishments.
As I created my son Alex's senior collage of pictures for high school, a wave of realization washed over me: these pictures showcased what he does, his activities, but do they truly capture who he is? This revelation struck a chord, reminding me that while being a baseball player or an Eagle Scout are labels, the things we DO don't define WHO we are. That's the heart of our discussion in this week's episode of her next chapter's podcast. I invite you into a candid conversation about the profound journey of redefining our identities as we moms transition to becoming empty nesters.
We're not just discussing the 'how' of starting anew; we're exploring the 'who' that emerges when the titles fall away. Ready to uncover a sense of self that transcends your roles? Tune in for a dose of inspiration and empowerment—because who we are is so much more than our daily activities and accomplishments.
Hi and welcome to her next chapter's podcast. I'm your host, Christina Kohl. I'm a mom of three and soon to be an empty nester. I'm also a certified HR pro who restarted my career after being a stay-at-home mom for over a decade. I created this podcast to connect with moms who have an empty nest on the horizon and are wanting to redefine their identity outside of motherhood, which might include a job search. On this show, we'll have raw conversations about our ever-changing roles as moms. We'll hear from women who restarted their careers and share tips for a job search after a career break. So if that's you, you're in the right place. Friend, let's get started. Hi, friends, and welcome to this week's episode. Today we're going to shift gears a little bit. The last few episodes, if you've been listening in, you know that we've been talking in very detailed and tactically about the career gap, job search. So, if that's you, I encourage you to go back and listen to those. This episode, I want to talk a little bit more about our identity and the external things that we look to to claim our identities and the prompt for this, the reason that I'm thinking about this and want to share with you.
Christina:
It really came out of my high school seniors. It's a senior collage. So the senior collage goes up in the wall of the senior hall where each kid has a poster board and it's 16 by I'm not sure the exact dimensions, but a poster board and it has pictures of that kid on their poster board. And they actually have this all up for the after prom party which is held, obviously after prom at the school and it goes like all night long, I think, until I don't know how late in the way into the morning, just as a safe place for the kids to hang out and have fun after the dance is over. And I put together the senior collage for Alex, my son, and it was just really interesting.
Christina:
As I was going through the pictures of the ones that I chose and I was showing him the poster board with the finished collage, I'm like you know, look, I think I captured everything about you You're a baseball player, you're an eagle scout, you're a rock climber, you're a musician and a singer, you're a dog lover, you're a David Bowie fan, you're a skier. And then when I got to the last picture, it's of him when he was around three or four years old and he has a Nerf bullet stuck to the tip of his nose and I'm like and you're fun loving? And after I got through, like describing all that, I just kind of felt a little uncomfortable and I think it's because, yes, I captured the things that he does, the activities that he enjoys, and I don't know that that captured him as far as who he is as a person, at least not with those labels. I do think the collage and the pictures do capture him, his essence, but the labels that I assigned to all of those you know, you're a baseball player, you're an eagle scout, you're a rock climber, you're a skier those are things he does. Those aren't who he is.
Christina:
And I think for myself I don't know for really any of us as moms, but particularly for myself I'm a mom. I have so wrapped up in that identity that I'm a mom, particularly during the season of time when I wasn't working outside of the home, I wasn't getting paid for my work. You know, what do you do? Well, I'm just a stay-in-home mom and that word just oh, that kind of diminishes everything. Right, you can hear it. That's the mom. But I want to go a little deeper because, yes, I am a mom and that's one of my roles, activities, if you want to look at it that way, like Alex plays baseball or does rock climbing, but that's not necessarily who I am as a person.
Christina:
So when I go back to Alex's list, when I relook at those pictures, I see someone who is resilient, someone who is hardworking, someone who is adventurous, not afraid to try new things, someone who is very caring and has a deep heart for others, someone who is artistic and loves to express his artistry through music, someone who is very intuitive, someone who is a great friend and someone who is really funny and has a very silly side to him. So that picture with the Nerf bullet on his nose I wouldn't have included that picture in this senior collage because, you know, come on, we got to have a certain image in front of all of our friends right when you're in high school. But he's the one who chose that. He's like oh yeah, pick that one. I'm like great. So he's owning it, he enjoys, recognizes that about himself and is happy to broadcast that, and so I guess what I'm trying to say is our identity shouldn't be about what we do, but about who we are.
Christina:
And for myself, I'm kind of you know, still in work in progress, right as we all are, and discovering that for myself, and it's much easier for me to see it in my kids or others. So I obviously have a wife, I'm a mother, I'm a daughter, I'm a sister, I'm a friend, but those still aren't like those intuitive internal things like I mentioned about Alex, and so it's harder for me to name those for myself. I mean, I'm a person of integrity, I'm loyal, I'm caring, I'm intuitive, I think I have somewhat of an adventurous spirit, not quite as much as my son, you know. So it's just, it's just harder. But I want to encourage you and myself to be thinking of ourselves as a whole person, not just the activities that we do. And I don't know, because I'm not saying that we go and answer that question hey, well, you know, nice to meet you. What do you do? You know, like you're not going to say, well, I'm intuitive. But to be thinking that way about ourselves, particularly as we are in. If you're in this transition phase with me of transitioning away from motherhood being the primary role of what's next, right, well, you're still you. If you aren't in the very trenches, right in the active daily mothering, you're still you. You're a whole person and all of those internal traits that make you a great mom, make you a great person. And I think it's really helpful to maybe do some introspection and figure out those answers for yourself and I'm going to be kind of maybe journaling on this as well of who am I outside of what I do and outside of my activities? And I'm going to go reshare that poster with my son the posters at school now, but I did take a picture of it. I'm going to reshare that with him and share the things that I see now, not just the titles and the activities.
Christina:
But you know, one thing I didn't mention is how brave he is. He stood up on stage and sang in front of a live audience with no training. He surprised mom and dad. We had no idea he would be singing. He was playing guitar. We knew that he would be up there with the band playing guitar, didn't know he was going to be the lead singer for some songs like whoa, and just the bravery and courage that that took. Even though he wasn't confident, he did it anyway. So I just really admire that about him and, like I said, it's easier to do this for other people.
Christina:
But yeah, I encourage you to look internally and kind of come up with some of those things about yourself and that you know will hopefully help us through this transition. Well, we're not focused on motherhood on our day to day oh, what's that word called? We have worked ourselves out of a job, right, if we've done our job well, we're not needed anymore, at least not in the same way. And so what are we left with? We're left with ourselves and the whole world is available to us to do whatever we want. So I hope this resonates with you Some identity, ideas and conversation to have with yourself, maybe with a good friend over a glass of wine or a glass of tea. So getting getting doing this introspective work on who you are as a person, and not your titles and what you do. Hopefully that will help be a North Star in guiding you towards this next chapter, whether it be the empty nest chapter or a return to work or whatever else is next for you.
Christina:
All right, friends, that's it for this week's episode. I look forward to talking to you next week. Have a great one. Thank you so much for listening today. I hope this episode hit home for you, and if it didn't, well go easy on me. I'm still figuring this all out, and, if you haven't already, be sure to connect with me on LinkedIn and say hello, so I can personally thank you for listening. Until next time, remember, your story is uniquely your own, and your next chapters are ready to begin.