How to Talk With Your Kids- Part 1

In this episode  we explore effective communication strategies for parents aimed at fostering strong connections with their children.  we explore the importance of maintaining a positive relationship with your child during discussions. Our experienced caregivers will share practical tips on building trust, offering support, and guiding children through different developmental stages. Join us as we unravel the intricacies of communication, providing you with tools to navigate challenging conversations and cultivate meaningful connections with your kids.

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Transcript

Effective Parent-Child Communication Strategies

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprock.

Speaker 2 0:33

Welcome everyone and thank you for joining us today as we talk about talking with our kids, from day-to-day conversations all the way to more serious conversations. To do that, I'm today joined by Chloe Hewitt, our Assistant Administrator over Residential Communities.

Speaker 1 0:47

Hello.

Speaker 2 0:47

Sam Cerna, assistant Administrator over Residential Communities. Hi, josh Scott Sloan, one of our primary houseparents. Hello, and April Sloan, primary houseparent out at Boyce Ranch, glad to be here. All right, as we do each week, we start with the question of the day. So since we're talking about discussions this week, I thought I'd ask you, if someone asked you to deliver a spontaneous 10 minute speech on a lighthearted non-work related subject, what subject could you easily talk about without any stress or hesitation?

Speaker 3 1:13

I mean, mine is so easy, it's working out, lifting. It's something that I do regularly, was a certified CrossFit coach and so did a lot of that stuff, so that comes very natural to me.

Speaker 4 1:27

Yeah, for me it just is fishing. You know, that's something natural. I can integrate it with the house, with the boys, so that's just like a relaxing self-care cool thing for me.

Speaker 5 1:34

Mine would be sports. I love track, I love basketball, I love all the high school sports, so I definitely relate with that.

Speaker 2 1:40

For me. Lately I've been watching a lot of Survivor, so I could talk all about all 40 seasons 46 seasons of Survivor, so that would be my topic that I would go for.

Speaker 6 1:53

That's why I waited, because I didn't want to steal Josh's, so I can also talk about Survivor. But I play a lot of video games, so I can talk about that pretty simple as well.

Speaker 2 1:58

All right. So let's start off by talking about the importance of maintaining a positive relationship with your child when it comes to having a discussion with them. Why is it so important to maintain a positive relationship?

Speaker 4 2:09

In our role as house parents. It's extremely important and it transitions, I think, into this normal parentcy. If you don't have that relationship built with your child, then you can't really do the things necessary to have your child be safe, to grow, feel belonging and all the things that they need to to be good children and, eventually, good adults.

Speaker 3 2:30

You know I think frequently I worry about when my children are old enough that they don't have to have a relationship with me because they don't need things from me and they still do. But at some point they get to choose what our relationship looks like, and so I want them to want to have that relationship. So I want to be a safe space that they can come back and talk to me, whether it's something good or a hard time.

Speaker 6 2:49

Also in the question you said continuously building a positive, strong relationship. You know there are times when you got to administer a structure. You have to say no to things and you know having that positive relationship helps those things become simpler or rebuild things when even when the parents mess up.

Speaker 5 3:06

Yes, absolutely. I love these answers. You know it builds trust in your child that they know that you care so they can come to you with anything and comfort.

Speaker 2 3:14

So I think we can all agree that there are some differences on how you would process with younger children. Let's say four to six, versus seven to 12, versus kids 13 and up. What would you say the focus should be on for each of these age ranges? Let's start with 4 to 6 first.

Speaker 3 3:30

I mean, I have a 5-year-old. He's almost 6. And so I think the most important thing for him is that I allow the space to calm down. But I think that's going to be important with every age, and obviously they're going to need the feedback maybe a little quicker once they are calmed down so that they haven't forgotten what just occurred. But I also think it's important when we're driving. A lot of times I'll just say hey, remember when this happened the other day and say what are some other ways that we could have handled it? And so letting them critically think, even at four to six, is important for them, and so that's what I would say. That's important. But they have to have the ability to come down, and you're probably going to have to model that with them. So a lot of times it's breathing with them. Or you know, if my son is super hyper, sometimes I just ask him to run three laps in the house to calm down.

Speaker 6 4:11

So you got to remember that they also. They don't. They're not logical, really, and I'm very logical, so it's one of those things where I can headbutt with a five-year-old, probably simple because they don't think the way I do. I just have to remember that. And you know, one of the things about I we're talking about four to six year olds is that you're much bigger than them and I think it's, it's, it's.

Speaker 4 4:31

I can imagine chloe getting down to a knee, talking to her, her keto and um things, because they're, they're a little, you're a little more frightening when you're a little bit bigger too yeah, absolutely, though we are past that four to six age as far as children, but we do have grandchildren and when you're addressing like even that, you have to allow them to be them as that kid, but then also, like you were saying, kind of help rein him in, you know, help them figure out how to rein it in, because we got a three or four year old and he's like he's boy, he's all boy and you know. So he gets pretty ramped up, but when we're around him it's cool to use our skills that we've learned to kind of help him regulate himself.

Speaker 2 5:10

So let's move on. What about ages 7 to 12? What would be the focus for this age range?

Speaker 3 5:17

You know, I think it's similar. What I learned early on and I've talked about this before in a podcast is that my element was not pre-adolescence when I started, which is ironic because when I worked at my previous job, the Bridge, I was really good with younger kids that was three and fours was my specialty. But so what I learned about following what we called the kid whisperer so I followed Randy Lindquist and he would just regulate with them for 30 to 45 minutes, and so I think what you forget is they are gonna need more time. If not, and it might be in silence is what I've learned with them. And then get when they are completely calm. It could be a drive, it could be bouncing a ball and then processing. But I'll let kind of the Sloans probably have a lot of input on on this age, so I'll let them talk more.

Speaker 4 5:58

Yeah, we do. So we do have a 12 year old in the home and one of the things that my supervisor taught me real quick is, when they're in that high end dysregulation. You know, like Chloe said, grab something that attracts them. Could be a ball, could be a fidget, could be a puzzle, whatever attracts them. Grab that and focus on that. That not only builds that relationship, but it gives them security with you in the room and then they'll start to process and they'll start to be able to talk to them and get them where they need to be.

Speaker 5 6:27

Absolutely. I've learned to let them help me, help me to do things, whether it's cooking in the kitchen or working in the flower garden outside. I was really surprised to know that children at that age they love to get in the dirt as much as I do. It's regulation, so that's always a good thing.

Speaker 6 6:44

Yeah, that's what I wanted to say about that age group, as opposed to the younger age group, is that I find that at this point they got a cool personality, they got interest, they got likes. You can use those things, you can join them in those things that they like to. You have more opportunities to connect. When they do dysregulate, it doesn't hopefully go as far down as when you're dealing with a five-year-old who can become super nonverbal at times. So I think at that age range the difference for me was that what I saw was that I have more opportunities to connect in way different ways, more options.

Speaker 2 7:14

So finally, let's talk about 13 years old and up. How would you process with that age range of kids?

Navigating Difficult Conversations With Adolescents

Speaker 3 7:20

So obviously they're in their emotional brain, so a lot of that means that they're going to need to drain off emotionally, and so that means they're going to say things that probably you could jump on Like, oh they're so stupid, I hate them and this is the end of the world, like very big statements, and you just kind of allow those to be made and then try and get to the root of what's really going on with them. But what I think we talked about before in a podcast was really they're going to isolate and you think, oh, they're a teenager, they don't want anything to do with me. But that's not actually true. They want time with you, they want one-on-one time. But you might have to initiate some of that, so jumping in and saying, hey, do you want to go to the store? Hey, do you want to go get your nails done? Seeking them out, they're going to need that, but there is going to be a lot of big emotional reactions during this age.

Speaker 4 8:03

Yeah, and I think there's really a difference between that 13 to 15 range and that 15 and above range, because the 13 and 15, like Chloe said, they're in that emotional but they don't even know what that emotional really is. And trying to help them find that emotion and be able to express it, when they can talk it out, then you start to gain where they're able to manage that emotion themselves. And sometimes, like Closet, it's just a simple little suggestion Ask them to go do this or come help me do this, and they learn to regulate. And at the time you're doing it with that age group, you can actually talk them through that emotion and let them express it again back to you. Then they learn and grow.

Speaker 6 8:43

And when I dealt with older kids, 13 and up I try to be less directive and more listening to what they say, because they have thoughts and they want to be in a little bit more control. They want to feel respected. They want to feel like they're an adult, although we know they're not ready for that, but I think that's the time to trial and error with them. They do want a lot of choice and they do want to feel empowered. That's the big difference between adolescents and pre-adolescents.

Speaker 3 9:09

I mean, and I want to say there's recently we have a girl on campus. It's been a really hard situation and we were doing one-on-one time each week and then she slowly backed off of it, she got into her ELP and so I respected that. But, like last week, she had a horrible day and asked for a mental health day, said I just don't want to go to school today. But then came up to me and said is there any way you can make time to do our workout? And did I have time? No, but I made time. But I think that's cool, because what I wanted to teach her is that in life, when things get hard, you can choose to do it in a healthy way or in a negative way. And so, yes, it is healthy to go work out when you're frustrated or feeling down, and so all of that, to say that you know you can pour in a lot, and then they might back off. But they could come back too.

Speaker 4 9:51

Yeah, and I think it's a good point that is being brought up. So these kids are trying to find themselves and a lot of times even I catch myself forgetting that point, that sometimes that's why they act the way they are, because they're not certain, and of course in the culture we live in today that's all over the place. So helping them find that direction in a solid way is really big and it goes a long way for your relationship.

Speaker 2 10:18

I think it's important to acknowledge that it can be scary to talk about some of the tough issues that kids are going through. Can you all talk about why it's so imperative that, even though it isn't comfortable for us to talk about these difficult issues, that we need to be bold and do it anyway?

Speaker 3 10:30

I mean if we don't, someone will have that conversation with our child, and so at least when we have the conversation, we're controlling the narrative of what we think and what we believe and so that way, and we're also creating a space that's safe. If they have questions, we're allowing them to be curious and to ask why. And what's going on Doesn't mean I'm not nervous when my five-year-old asked me where babies come from, and I'm trying to figure out how I want to navigate that question already. But also I have to show him that I'm not afraid to have the hard conversations.

Speaker 6 10:58

And that's when your relationships come into play. You know all that stuff we talked about earlier in your opening question. If I have a good relationship with them, they're more likely to come ask me those things, because I really do believe what Chloe said is correct. They will find that information somewhere if you don't give it to them.

Speaker 3 11:13

I also love. I will say this the staff that I am the closest to are the staff that I've had the most conflict with or had had to give feedback, because I was honest and vulnerable with them and they allowed space for them to come back, and so I would want the same for my kids in life.

Speaker 2 11:28

I think that's absolutely true. I found that the kids that I had some of the most difficult conversations with are the ones that I still, to this day, have relationships with, and some of the kids that I never really had a tough conversation with. I don't ever hear from them anymore and I think they feel like if you're willing to go through the fire with them, then you're a safe, risk-worthy person, and the kids that don't, sometimes they're like well, maybe it's just pretty superficial.

Speaker 4 11:52

Yeah, I think Ms Sloan and I are seeing that now We've been in this long enough to have kids now 17, 18 years old. Recently had those kids come back to us and want to relate on some things they're struggling with.

Speaker 2 12:02

How important is it for us to remain calm during these difficult conversations? Extremely.

Speaker 4 12:07

It is the key to success. You cannot be successful with a kid if you're not first calm and you see it quick. When you're not calm, you can feel it and you see it, and if you don't take the opportunity to calm, like I said, it doesn't go well. We always tell our boys that if they are highly dysregulated, don't assume that the adults in the room aren't also dysregulated. The difference is they're able to work their calmness in, and so that's an understanding that helps them know. If you're going to get dysregulated, you've got to remember it's not just you. We've had our kids actually see them fight that dysregulation to help try to keep things on an even keel. It doesn't always work well, but they try.

Speaker 3 12:50

I mean, think about when you're upset, who you want to process with. Is it someone that you feel like is all over the place and can't keep you calm, or is it someone that's calm, that's going to give you sound, solid advice, and so I think it's the most important thing you can do. But what I would want is to be gracious and kind to no matter what, because I would want someone to respond to me calmly and be appreciative and loving and caring, and I think that is what you have to maintain or your kids won't seek you out as much, or others might not as well.

Speaker 6 13:21

I also think calmness gives you options. You know, when I'm upset I have very little options because I'm in my kind of animal brain. I have very, very small options. When I'm calm, I have all my intelligence, all my experiences, all my training that I can access at those times. So, especially when you're dealing with a kid who's very mad, it's very easy for us to become also dysregulated. So when you practice being calm and do those things, I can use my training and I can help them get through it and hopefully they do what I do. Also, in my experience, especially when you're dealing with multiple kids and maybe if they're not yours or foster kids or in group homes, other kids see how you are acting. So it's easy to assume that if I treat somebody bad, they would assume that I would treat them that way and that makes me not a risk-worthy person. However, I've had the other opposite happen where, as long as you're calm, other kids come to you because they know oh hey, that person I can talk to, that person will help me.

Speaker 4 14:14

Yeah, I think something just was thinking about that. When you're in this situation with a child that's struggling, and if you're not calm, then you need to kind of get to that point where we taught this it's a time for you to step away and let somebody else step in. And that's kind of hard, especially, I think, if it's just you and your wife and your kids are kind of off the chain. So it's a good thing to talk about that amongst you as a couple, how that's going to look, how that's going to work, and then that helps you be prepared to do it when you need to do it.

Speaker 3 14:48

I also want to speak to a little bit of that too. So my husband's a firefighter. He's not home sometimes for one day at a time, or three days solid. So sometimes I don't have the ability to tag out, and I know there are listeners that might have that same issue, and so what I will frequently say is voice that to my kids. Hey, mommy is really struggling to be calm right now. I need to go take a minute in the other room because I don't have that capability of saying, hey, my husband take out and take it on, and I want to, but you know, and so I literally will voice that I need to calm down to them so that they see that I'm calming down instead of and then responding. And sometimes that's hard because you want to respond in the moment, but I'm not in a good place to do it.

Speaker 6 15:26

What a great way to model an interaction right, because most of us believe that we got to stand toe to toe and win the fight, and sometimes it's better to regroup and win later in a different way.

Speaker 2 15:40

So when we're processing with kids, should we expect them to be calm, rational and think in an orderly fashion?

Speaker 5 15:43

Absolutely not their brains. You just have to look at the age and the maturity of their brains and what they can handle, and that's why it's up to you, as the adult, to step in and help them to do everything you just said.

Speaker 2 15:57

So what role does being aware of our own emotional state in the heat of a moment play into processing with a kid?

Speaker 6 16:02

I mean it's critical. I mean I've had days. I mean you have your bad days, just like everybody else. You wake up tired, you didn't have a great night, just like everybody else. But it's my responsibility as a caregiver to model a good state, and so when I'm not in a good space, I gotta know model a good state. And so when I'm not in a good space, I got to know that stuff. And I think, like Chloe said earlier, I think it's fair to say sometimes hey, you know, I'm not in a great spot today, this morning I have a big headache or whatever it is.

Speaker 6 16:26

And I think communication with your kids is important. I mean they can know and you know, believe it or not, they probably could already tell they know something's off already. And and so you know, my thing is it's fair to communicate. It's one of the things that a big thing I learned here is communicate. Tired guys, you know I need this, I need space, all those things. But if I'm not aware, then I have more potential to act bad, I have more potential to make a wrong choice which could cost me something later.

Speaker 3 16:53

Yeah, I mean, I think the other day it was raining really, really hard and I had to drive them and I remember saying, before we left the house hey, mom's like nervous and kind of scared Cause it's just mommy and y'all, and so I need y'all to not fight in the back seat because I know y'all can touch each other and I need you to just keep your hands to yourself. But I was so nervous, I was like they're going to fight. They always fight charge of my feelings because that's not what. But I wanted them to know hey, like this is what we need to do for today, because it is dangerous.

Speaker 4 17:24

And so I think, being aware of your emotional state and speaking it like Sam said, yeah, and, like we said, it's a, we have actually had a home meetings and in our home meetings we've talked about how some were having challenges in our own families then how that we are working to not let that influence how we relate to them, and so it's okay, because we express that it's okay for you to have challenges and to work it where it's good. You don't have to get dysregulated over it. You can talk about it. You can work it out as a family and we talk about that. Even though we aren't related, we're still a family and families can work things out, even in the most tough, difficult situation.

Speaker 2 18:02

So let's talk about respect. How important is it to be respectful to kids when we're having these difficult conversations?

Respectful Communication in Parenting

Speaker 3 18:09

I think it's very important to the kids. That's what we say all the time, and obviously they view respect differently than we do. So we typically look at the golden rule like treat others the way you want to be treated. They don't necessarily view it that way. They view it as you'll get respect from me if you give it to me, and so it's very different in being aware of how they view respect, and so really I want my kids to always treat others with kindness and respect, but in order for that to happen, they have to see me modeling that on a daily basis, even if people aren't kind to me.

Speaker 3 18:38

Recently I had a super proud parent moment, which I didn't even overhear. One of my friends did that. We were at. I waited tables all through college, so the way my kids respond to waiters is very important to me. And he was down at the table and he had asked for Blue Powerade. It's his favorite drink and he only gets it when we go out to eat and the waiter forgot he was super busy. We were a huge table and so his food came and he looked at the waiter and he said how busy are you? And he said I'm not busy, it's okay, what's what's going on? He said do you think I could get my drink whenever you have a moment?

Speaker 3 19:07

And it made my heart so happy because at five, he was considering his feelings in it, and so I think that's truly is that you have to show them respect, that you're giving respect, no matter what.

Speaker 2 19:17

So is there a difference between respecting a person and approving of their behavior?

Speaker 4 19:21

Well, yes, because you have to have the respect to go in and express the disapproval of the behavior. And it's a simple thing, as whenever you walk into the room I know Chloe and Sam have done this a lot and you know that you're going into a tense moment you don't go in and put your hand on the shoulder, or you don't go in and just sit on the bed. You actually ask because that's establishes that line of respect in that difficult moment and that can be the little thing that can start the conversation into a positive direction. Even before you do some or anything else. It can start it off in a positive situation and then the conversation goes well, even through the difficult moment of it.

Speaker 6 20:07

That's a good statement, scott, because you know, in my experience when I was an on-call supervisor, you know we walk into the most tensest things. By the time we get called it's already kind of heated. You don't actually know what you're going to see and sometimes you don't even know the child. But I think one of the things is when somebody is more dysregulated I ask more questions, and in fact it's not that I play dumb, really, it's just that I'm asking more permission, right, because I'm coming into their space. May I come in, may I sit down, whatever you know, and then if they don't want to talk, I give them the space. If they don't want to talk, I'm here for you. Or when we're talking more questions, all of it is just so it's hard to explain. But I just ask more permission when I know somebody is in a bad space, because I do feel like they often feel like they don't have any kind of power sometimes and that's why people are often angry.

Speaker 3 21:02

I love that you said the silent part sometimes, and that's why people are often angry. I love that you've said the silent part Cause I think that's what people silence can be so like perfection. Um, especially in processing with kids or anger. Sometimes they just need you to sit with them. So I think that was so powerful.

Speaker 4 21:16

Yeah, and I've even made the statement in that situation where I've said I'm going to sit here. I'm giving you, you have all the power to decide if you want to talk. If you don't want to talk, I'm just going to be right here when you're ready to decide.

Speaker 2 21:33

So, in a heated situation, if you can't be respectful, what do you think you should do?

Speaker 3 21:38

I mean we, what we say Scott talked about earlier is kind of tapping out like asking, saying, hey, I can't do this right now. I've also verbalized that to a kid because Sam had said earlier that we respond a lot of the times to the crisis situation, but there have been times where I called my partner or called someone and said, hey, I just can't. Today, like I had other stuff going on and my capacity was low, and so there's no shame in that, because I might not even be able to do much if I can't give.

Speaker 6 22:06

Yeah, absolutely not. And you know, sometimes you are it, you are the person. If you are a single parent, you are it. And I think you just have to remind yourself that it's okay to take some space, it's okay to announce I'm taking space because, right, sometimes you are the one. I've had situations where I am the guy that's got to do this and my partner's not available, and so I used to just kind of in my head say call me respectful. Call me respectful Because I know that I have to be that so that I can resolve the situation. I cannot help somebody if I'm being disrespectful at all.

Speaker 3 22:46

I mean, if all else fails, you can do a popsicle bath. It does work Okay With young kids.

Speaker 4 22:57

But so we're human, right, we don't get along with every human.

Speaker 4 23:02

We don't have the same, we don't see eye to eye with every human, and we've been in the situations where a kid relates well to one and not the other Doesn't mean that the one can't go and process and help that kid, it's just the other has a better connection, so that's better to try to let them do it. Ms Sloan is really connected with a couple of the guys, but even closer than I am, so sometimes it's better and she does such an amazing job with them. Like she said, she just hey, let's go cook for a while, and they go in there and next thing you know, things are good. So huge, huge recognition.

Speaker 2 23:42

All right. Thank you all for joining us today and hopefully you can process all this information Until next week. Remember you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you remember to get them back.

Speaker 1 23:51

Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.