How to Talk With Your Kids- Part 2

We continue our discussion on strengthening  communication between parents and children. In today's episode, we're exploring the complexities of conversing with kids, decoding their emotions, and navigating through challenging moments with grace and understanding.

From tantrums to heart-to-heart talks, we've gathered insights from experts and parents alike to help you master the delicate dance of dialogue with your little ones. Whether it's deciphering what lies beneath a child's frustration or creating a safe space for them to open up, we're here to provide practical tips and heartfelt stories to guide you along the way.

Join us as we uncover the power of curiosity, the importance of active listening, and the impact of taking kids seriously. From fostering trust to showing kindness, we'll explore how these attributes can transform everyday conversations into meaningful connections that strengthen your relationship with your children.

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Transcript

Effective Communication With Kids

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprock.

Speaker 2 0:33

Well, hello there, everyone, and thank you for joining us today as we jump into part two of our discussion on how to talk with our kids, from those day-to-day conversations all the way to more serious discussion. To do that, I'm again joined by Chloe Hewitt, Sam Cerna and Scott and April Sloan. All right, let's jump into our question of the day. As we do each week, we start off with a question of the day. So since we're talking about discussions this week, I thought I'd ask you when you're engaged in a conversation with a friend or family member, what percentage of the conversation do you usually take up? So I'm pretty quiet. I'm a supreme introvert. So I'm like, maybe 10%, I think, is what I usually do. What about you all?

Speaker 3 1:07

I would love to be at your 10%, but I am probably at 60 to 70,. Josh, I know it like that. I mean my best friend also likes to talk like I do, so I'm probably 50-50 with her, but everybody else, my husband's also an introvert.

Speaker 4 1:25

It depends who I'm talking to, I think, but I think more I'm, more 80%. I like to talk about me. I like to talk about the stuff I want to talk about.

Speaker 5 1:30

Not me. As you can tell, I'm more of an introvert, I'm more of an observer and I listen versus a talker.

Speaker 6 1:38

Yeah, I'm all about the conversation. Let's talk, but wait a minute.

Speaker 2 1:42

I got to be the one when processing with a kid what they initially say they're upset or mad about, is that always actually what they're truly mad about?

Speaker 3 1:52

No, and the thing I love about this one is this a lot of times I can't figure out what's driving the situation to be escalated. And so really it's processing and kids make big statements out here. Specifically, they'll say I hate it out here, and my favorite question to say is what about here do you not like? Because there's always more to the problem. Or sometimes they are super frustrated about something that occurred at school or with their home, but you're a safe person to them, so they gave you all their frustration. So what is really driving it? But sometimes that can even get you so you had no idea it's coming. You have a great relationship with the kid. They start come home screaming at you. You might get escalated too because you're like I don't know I'm always here for you what happened? And so really it is asking like hey, when was the last time things were going well and trying to timeline with them about where it started, because then you can try and find the root of the problem.

Speaker 2 2:43

So it sounds like curiosity is really important in processing with kids.

Speaker 6 2:45

Yeah, it's very important. I mean, it's almost like the respect situation. You have to see it and, as Chloe said, if you can see it coming because a lot of times you can see it coming they're walking up the sidewalk to the house. You can see in their demeanor and that's a good time to say, hey, I can see you, I can see you, and then opens it up to let them go ahead. Okay, I've opened up the door to be safe for you. Then you receive it and you might go what you know and it's okay to, even in that moment, go.

Speaker 6 3:16

Okay, I'm not sure how I can handle that for you, but I'm going to find this out. I'm going to go whether I have to go get Ms Sloan or I go. We're going to find out how to resolve this for you. And it's also okay to say, well, look this, you chose to make this decision and to make to take that step. Was it the right one? Was it really the best one for you? They're going to argue with that. Especially. It's hard for a kid, you know, especially a middle school kid, to take responsibility for for much. We use that as a tool to help them start to learn how to do that and we hope someday they will.

Speaker 4 3:45

Yeah, and I think you know it's curiosity. If you can get into the habit of being more curious, that'll keep you from becoming counteraggressive.

Speaker 4 3:52

Because, counteraggression is so easy, especially when you don't see it coming. Like you said, if you see something coming, you can brace yourself for the impact, but if all of a sudden you got something that shouldn't be yours, that's the time where a person can act real bad and get counteraggressive. And counteraggression creates the problem that we're trying to fix here. They don't process. You always tell me this, you never listen to me. So if you're curious, you're listening, I can check. What do you mean by that? What happened here? Who said that?

Speaker 4 4:22

Because sometimes they're making vague big statements and it's real vague and I think that's a bid right, it's a hey, I need help without saying it. Because, also, especially when you're dealing with maybe an older population, a kid, right, they don't want to snitch, they got all these rules right that they got to follow with their peers and they don't really want to tell you things. So you got to be curious and ask, because that way you can get the story and if, hopefully, once you get the story, then you can figure out where to help. Or at least you heard them out and they were able to express what they say, because you can't always fix every problem. That's reality.

Speaker 3 4:54

I think to kind of to piggyback off of Mr Sloan and Sam we talked. You know, about seeing, and I think it's really powerful when you can use I notice statements. So sometimes you're noticing that the kid is struggling, but you can't put your finger on it, and so you. I noticed that you're coming home every day and going straight to your room. What do you think that's about? Like asking them and being curious what they think, but it's also like giving them some critical thinking because you have. And how beautiful is that. I wish people would say, hey, I noticed this, or I noticed that you've taken care of all this without me asking. Like all the, you can use that statement in such beautiful ways to even show that you're being seen.

Speaker 4 5:29

I'm glad you brought that up, because when I learned I noticed statements, it was such an eye opener for me. Yeah, Because it's so. It doesn't put anything on them, right. It's all me. I noticed this. I'm saying that I feel statements right the same thing. None of it's about them. It is about them, but it's not framed in a way that it's about them. It's really neat and powerful. Again, another way to be curious.

Speaker 3 5:56

So how might coming into a discussion being certain we know what is going on with the kid, why they're upset actually. Like if you come in and tell me I know you're just upset about not getting time off and that's not even actually what I'm upset about, then I'm going to be even more infuriated. But also because you took all of my power in the conversation and if I'm upset, I obviously need to talk through it.

Speaker 4 6:16

And so allowing me to say what I'm actually upset about, instead of choosing to tell me what I'm upset about yeah, and conflict is uncomfortable, right, and sometimes it's nobody wants to do it, and sometimes it's like you just take what they give you at face value and you run with it, and it's like you didn't leave me listening to me, and sometimes you just you're like, well, maybe I don't want to deal with that today, I don't have the capacity today, you just let it go because maybe it's not that big a deal right now.

Speaker 4 6:40

And or you notice something that's different and you just didn't want to deal with it today because you might open up some conflict, and a conflict is is a beautiful way to have some good conversation and also create better relationship, because we talked about it earlier, being able to be in it with them, with a hard conversation, is where you actually gain some growth, right, because what we've learned is that you can, when you have a conflict or you have a hard conversation, you can improve your relationship. It can stay neutral or it can diminish, and so, right, I think ignoring things and or assuming things can create a diminishing effect for you, even unintentionally. If you mean well, it could create that for you. So you never want to make assumptions. The curiosity piece is the most important way to get information. Again.

Speaker 6 7:21

And all that curiosity pieces in that conflict outside, curiosity about their lives, being curious about who's their friends at school, what's going on in their life outside of the house, outside of your relationship with them. You know you may have to dig, for you may have to go ask other people about it, but having that understanding has helped us at times be able to relate to, like we know that so-and-so was going with so-and-so and then they dumped and you know, and so we kind of get that little stuff going on. But we can also help them, you know, learn how to manage that, because in our age group we're dealing with middle school and this is a new thing for them, and making sure they walk through that properly and deal with those emotions and stuff like that is really huge. So that's where that ability to, as we said, have that curiosity but also have that understanding of where's my limits.

Speaker 2 8:10

So what are some ways you found to open up conversations beyond, you know, the standard? How was your day or did you learn anything interesting at school today?

Speaker 3 8:17

So I will say that what I've been using lately is just allowing my kids to start talking and like, if they're just telling me, so my son is learning all about caterpillars and I'm going to say it, wrong metamorphosis, like all of it. And so all the past two weeks has been about mom, it just, it just went into cocoon, like it's just, he's fascinated about it, and so just allowing him to talk about it, oh cool, let me know what happens next. And so then the next day, something happens. He tells me about that. But I want to.

Speaker 3 8:43

One of the things that I recently started using with some staff is I had to go check a room out on a at a home and I wasn't there to talk to the staff and I just said, hey, you want to sit down and talk? And I just said, hey, what's, what's your story? You know, like just allowing them to say what part of their story they were willing to share, because we all have a testimony, we all have a part of our life and, if you know, if. And then I shared a little bit of mine, because what we know is everybody wants to be vulnerable and talk about themselves in some manner, and allowing them to open up in that way, and the kids love that too.

Effective Communication With Children

Speaker 5 9:12

I know for us at the dinner table. The dinner table is an amazing time for discussion and the kids will open up as they're eating and we can dig into some deep subjects and find out for sure how their day is going. Or we can find out who did what and help them process through all of it and see how the sports went for the day. And so we love dinner table discussion. It's always good in our home.

Speaker 2 9:34

I'm thinking that we, as adults, need to exhibit some certain behaviors or attitudes or attributes that would make a kid more likely to open up to us. So let's talk about a few of those. What does it mean to really listen to a kid more likely to open up to us? So let's talk about a few of those. What does it mean to really listen to a kid?

Speaker 6 9:47

So I have a statement that I just I don't know where it came from, but it's listen to learn, don't listen to lead so many times. As adults, we want to go and lead that conversation. It's exclusive. We want to be in control, and the more you are able to just back off and listen to them to learn what's going on, the more you listen, the deeper it goes. The deeper it goes, the more you know, and then you can start to work backwards out of that to help them process and grow and get better.

Speaker 5 10:15

When I'm in the kitchen and I ask one of our boys to help me it's therapy for them they open up and all I'm doing is I'm just listening and I'm just yeah, yeah, and they'll start talking about things and I'll engage. But I find out some of the most amazing things about them just by the therapy of cooking, and it's great.

Speaker 4 10:37

I've been trying to work personally on active listening because it's easy for me to listen. Sometimes I'm very preoccupied.

Speaker 4 10:43

I have things I want to do, or I want to hear a podcast, or you know things I'm doing and you know. Sometimes you know I have grandkids and they live with me, so they want to talk sometimes and I got an earbud in my head and I don't know if they know the difference. They may, they may or may not, so sometimes I'm not actually listening to what they're saying. I have no clue what they just told me, because I was hearing now is, when anybody tries to engage, I at least pause the thing and then try to hear them. So also I reflect what they tell me.

Speaker 4 11:09

So I make sure I'm getting some understanding of those things are. And you know, I get way more out of it, you know, and it's, it's neat because, although I want to do what I want to do, I'm investing future stuff in when, when I give a kiddo a time, that it's just me and them, because they want to tell me about whatever it is and I'm not really that interested. I really I'm probably not. I mean whatever they're doing, or I think. In fact, I think one of my grandkids was talking about these same butterflies right and I'm like, well, that's pretty neat, and you know they don't, he doesn't know how to explain it.

Speaker 4 11:36

But then my other grandson is a little older, he knows how to, so then I'm like, well, that's pretty neat. I've never heard of a class doing butterfly. And so, anyway, I got way more information that I would have never got if I would have just said, uh-huh, okay, that's good, that's nice.

Speaker 1 11:51

Right.

Speaker 4 11:51

So, and then I think people can tell. People can tell when you're not listening, especially as they get older. They can really tell when you're not interested, and I think that it puts up a barrier. Well, he's not interested, so I just won't go to him. I'll go to talk to somebody else, right?

Speaker 3 12:06

So I love that you said the repeat back what they're saying, because I think that's super powerful, even for people. One of the things I loved when I was a forensic interviewer we would always give rules about the interview. So, hey, if I'm going to repeat this back, if I get something wrong, please correct me and tell me I'm wrong. And so I still use that skill when I'm talking to people, and so I think that's powerful too is, if they do correct you, it's saying, oh, thank you for correcting me and fixing it.

Speaker 4 12:36

Do you guys ever find yourselves?

Speaker 1 12:37

wanting just to give advice all the time I have a problem with that as well.

Speaker 6 12:38

I just wanted to.

Speaker 4 12:39

I want to fix your problem Like I know the answer.

Speaker 6 12:41

We're guys. Sam, pick me, I will tell you how to live life. You know I have to. You know, one of the things that I from the open on and transparent on is is we all have devices ourselves. Oh yeah, as adults. Yeah, and it's easy whenever the kids are kind of on their thing to just kind of drift off into your thing and not be listening. But miss slona think, and she helps me listen to this.

Speaker 6 13:10

So, but we find it when we catch it and we put it aside or just stop it. We hear things that we can put back in our file cabinet to use at a later point, or we hear something that we can make a correction on quickly to hit something else off. So, man, it's like it's been something that's I'm not saying it would do very well, but it's something we're really working on to stay off of our things so we can be more interactive with their situation.

Speaker 2 13:37

So what happens if we come across as judgmental about the things that they're telling us?

Speaker 3 13:42

I mean they're not going to want to open up to us later. And I think a lot of times we have thoughts I mean especially with some of the kids that we work with here, but even with others I have thoughts on the behavior you had or the way you're treating people, but I try to just remain silent because sometimes my judgment doesn't need to be spoken out loud and so I think they're not going to want to come back if they feel judged by you.

Speaker 6 14:04

Yeah, absolutely. I've had a recent experience with that where a situation happened and even though I made a statement to the kid about that situation that others around agreed with, that shut him down a little bit with our relationship. The relationship we had wasn't the same after that and it's taken a little bit to try to bring it back to that. It would have been better if I just didn't say it. So we have to remember. Yes, as Sam said, we're fix-its or we want to give advice or interject, something we think is helpful to them in certain situations. But you have to think about is that really the best thing to do right here? Sometimes it's also something to do one-on-one and ask questions of them one-on-one away from everybody.

Speaker 2 14:48

So what about confidentiality? How important is it to respect their confidentiality when they tell us some serious things?

Speaker 3 14:56

I mean, I think it's probably one of the most important keys to working with kids, and it's difficult, right, because there are things, especially in at-risk youth, that they might tell us that we have to report and so even saying, hey, I'm going to have to report that, acknowledging that to them, because I think they've been betrayed before. But we all have, we've all been hurt. We've all had friends that might have spoken out of tune, or even people we thought we could trust supervisors, peers and so confidentiality, especially here on our campus, is so important for staff we talk all the time about. They're also watching how you respond.

Speaker 3 15:29

So I remember early on in my CLS, my husband worked in the youth activities program and so they all knew him the pre-ads did and loved him. I remember responding and the only way the kids went with me is because they had trusted my husband. Nothing to do with me, but they had watched the way he played, the way he interacted, the way he spoke to them and was confidential. And so I think that's very important when we work with anyone is that are we going to repeal their secrets or are we going to be kind and allow them to create a safe space to talk, because we all say things we don't mean when we're angry and sometimes they don't need repeated.

Speaker 4 16:03

Every family is different. Every person is different. We all have our own traumas and junk we deal with, and most of this is unintentional. What I'm probably about to say is that sometimes you know a family, like when a thing happens with a kid it's really personal for the child. Well then the family member goes to tell the other family member. Maybe they want to vent, or maybe they want to say you know, can't believe what they just did and or whatever. Or maybe it's something that happened and they didn't want to tell. Well, gosh, I mean, I wouldn't do that too. I wouldn't like that done to me, right?

Speaker 4 16:30

For somebody to go tell all my personal stuff, whether that's my mom doing it or I mean I'm not saying this actually happened, I'm just saying, right, there's things that happen. Or I've heard one teachers telling other teachers stuff and that you just got in trouble and you can. You know we, you know people forget. Sometimes kids are there and I've heard it done in front of a kid, this kid, this, that and that and that, and they, you know that's so hurtful and really what all that does is breaks trust. And I think the answer to the question for me was how important is confidentiality? Well, how important is trust?

Speaker 4 16:59

Right, it's the same question right If you're not being confidential, how can I trust you, whether that means I suppress my behavior or whatever the? However, the kid's response is going to be in the future. Those things aren't always good, because those things come out in all different ways. Kids decide they don't want to communicate with you anymore, that maybe the world isn't place that I need to be talking anymore, things like that. I think there's these long-term effects that happen with something so simple as when somebody tells you something, just keep it to yourself or tell who you have to when you're supposed to right. Obviously, we have to report things that are bad, but I think if it's just a small thing that a kid trusts you with, I think you got to earn that trust back with them.

Speaker 2 17:35

So how does the adult presenting themselves as competent or confident play into a child's willingness to open up to them?

Speaker 4 17:42

Well, adults are supposed to be leaders, right? I think you know whether we're actively leading or leading by example. I think when you respond to a situation with all the tools we just talked about, with calmness, being aware of what they're saying, being not judgmental, being confidential, those are building blocks for people we want to tell things to right. Those are building blocks for relationships that will carry on for years and years past, even if you're just a temporary member of their life.

Speaker 3 18:08

I mean, I think that's what's so cool, is you know? My son is getting ready to start kinder in August and we showed him where he's going to go to school. And so now, every time we go by, he's like oh my gosh, I'm kind of nervous about this mom. And I said and I'm like, yeah, it's okay, but like mom is so proud of you and knows that you can do it and when the time comes you're going to be 100% ready, am I freaking out? Am I going to take that whole week off and cry? Probably yes, but he will not know any of that To him. I know he can do it, but I think that's what's powerful no-transcript, and it just trickles down right. So you might get a behavior from a kid if you don't show confidence.

Speaker 6 18:54

One of our major things is safety. For them to believe you're going to be safe and not just to relate things or have that conversation with, but overall safe. They have to see you're confident in the work you're doing and what you're doing as a parent, that they see that You're able to you make decisions that are sound decisions, that keeps them, you tell them no when you need to tell them no and you explain why you have to tell them no, so they feel confident that you, your wisdom, is good wisdom. You know, and especially like in our environment when you're new, if you can't stop and make and decide what you're about to do is really a beneficial to the overall situation.

Speaker 6 19:39

So you can be in a very chaotic situation and you can make a decision that can either escalate that or de-escalate that and for an adult you're thinking, okay, well, they're not behaving, so I'm not going to give them this treat. Well, that one thing can set things ablaze. So is it really that important for your power to give up some of that power about that treat and let them have that treat, because then you could come back later after the treat and talk about, hey, you really didn't deserve that, but I love you so I'm going to give it to you. So I think confidence, that's kind of confidence they see in you, then they go OK, this person I can trust, that I can be around that and be comfortable with that.

Speaker 2 20:18

So what about taking a kid seriously? How important is it, when they're in a crisis mode, to take them seriously, even if the thing that we as adults think it's really not that big of a deal? You?

Speaker 6 20:27

can't. They can't see any confidence in you if you're not serious with them, if they don't see that serious concern. It's a difference between serious about behavioral situation when you're in the hey, that was wrong, that was a wrong choice, why did you do that? But when you're serious about hey, I see you and I want to help you and you're serious about it. It's like we talked about earlier about how we can get off our own, have our minds going in different directions. We have to kind of stop and let them see that seriousness. That changes the game a lot, because they can read that. They can tell whether you're really serious or whether you're just trying to do your job.

Speaker 3 21:00

Well, and I think they're going to get your time either way, right, so you might as well take them seriously.

Speaker 3 21:05

So I'm saying this because I had a bad parenting moment recently where my three-year-old she's almost three, she's two, but she did not want to wear the pants. I put her in and all morning she's like I don't, I don't like these pants, I'm like it's fine London. And then finally I said, well, just go put on different pants. So then, right before we leave, I did not take her seriously. She has her pants down to her ankles, she's trying to get it and she's trying to put on other pants and they're backwards. And it was my own fault if I had taken her seriously from the beginning, but instead I decided to power struggle and not take her seriously, and then it caused me to be late that morning but it was all me.

Speaker 3 21:37

Like it wasn't really her. She told me she didn't like the pants. I put her in Right and so you know, I think if you choose not to take them seriously, they might still get your time and then it might wreck your world more. So it is nice because it might not just be about the Nutri-Grain bar or the pants. There might be more driving, all the behavior. Yeah.

Speaker 4 21:54

Also taking people seriously, and I say people because all of us, I think one of the most hurtful things is to be dismissed just to be dismissed.

Speaker 4 22:01

They come with their little boo-boo or whatever and you're like man, suck it up, right? You can say that and I think what you tell them is I don't care, yeah, really All right. And so, taking them, that it's all what we're just talking about again again, trust, again, relationship, relationship. So take them seriously and ask, ask questions more well, tell me what happened, well, how did that happen, and it gets you what you want again. Because what are we trying to get out of this relationship?

Speaker 2 22:25

being able to process and talk through things so are there any other attributes that I've missed that might make a kid more willing to open up and discuss with us I was gonna say kindness because I think that we have to be kind to ourselves.

Speaker 3 22:39

I'm on a Grey's Anatomy kick right now and one of the things that I was just watching like Sloan says to Han, he's like interesting, she's like talking bad about herself when she messed up and he said interesting, you treat yourself as bad as you treat others. And so in that it made me think, if I'm not kind to myself, my kids can see that, but also they watch how I interact with others and I think that is important. When we know kids want to come, choose to process with us or talk through a situation, Are we kind to them? Are we kind to ourselves? Are we kind to others?

Speaker 4 23:08

This might sound weird, it might not sound like an attribute, but I think you know, smile, Smile. We were taught. I was a waiter like you when I first started and I was in customer service before I came to work here and one of the main things they told us to do was smile. You know, you could be having a terrible day, but if you can smile, those things are infectious. It lets you know that even if you're having a terrible day, it's good to see somebody just smiling. And I think maybe kids, some of us I mean I know all our situations are different, Not everybody's always happy and your life can be hard. But find a way to smile, you know, and let the kids know, because also that helps with the confidence piece. Right, the kids know.

Speaker 4 23:44

Hey, you know, I don't think my kids ever believed I was going to fail, you know, and that's why I always wanted to project to them hey, guys, things are cool, we're going to make this work, or that's going to happen, or I'm going to get that for you, we're going to find a way. It was always something right. They knew dad's going to take care of it. I felt the same. I learned that from my mom. You know my mom and so, hey, mom's going to take care of this. I know that things are going to be okay and I think that's so powerful for kids.

Speaker 5 24:06

I'm going to say in our house ice cream is the answer.

Speaker 6 24:19

There you go for three days in a row. Another big thing is attribute is be polite. Show them, say thank you, look for the littlest thing to say thank you for and do stuff like so. There's been a time when having the kid open the door for the adult to walk through. Well, turn it around. Open the door for them to walk through, door for the adult to walk through.

Brain Based Parenting Update and Information

Speaker 6 24:38

We'll turn it around, open the door for them to walk through. You know, it shows that, not only that respect, but it shows that politeness, all right.

Speaker 2 24:43

Thank you all for joining us today and hopefully you can process all this information Until next week. Remember you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today.

Speaker 1 24:53

Just make sure you remember to get them back. Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.