Connecting with Youth: Secrets to Building Relationships

How can you truly connect with youth and build relationships that last?  Through personal anecdotes and professional wisdom, we explore the tangible impact of time, presence, and emotional availability. Whether you're engaging in everyday activities like sports and chores or simply showing up consistently, our guests share practical tips that underscore the importance of genuine investment in children's lives.

We also highlight the power of authenticity and presence, especially within a faith-based context. Sharing stories from the skate park and beyond, our guests discuss how to build meaningful rapport and earn the right to share deeper messages by first establishing trust. By living out faith through actions and demonstrating genuine love and care, rather than pushing an agenda, we uncover how these sincere efforts can profoundly impact and build trust with youth. Tune in to learn how being intentional and present, even in challenging times, can transform your relationships with kids and offer them the support they need.

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Transcript

Building Relationships With Youth

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprott.

Speaker 2 0:33

Welcome back and thank you for joining us today as we talk about brain-based parenting. Today, we're going to talk about a pretty important subject relationship building with youth. To do that again, I'm joined today by Sol Isaac, daniel and William. Our question of the day, since our topic is relationship building what is the most impressive thing that you have ever built?

Speaker 3 0:56

Whenever I was in high school I think I was like 16 years old I got to work with one of my former neighbors, joey Woolley really great guy. I think he lives in Amarillo now, but he took me on kind of his own project in building a house and it was a really cool experience.

Speaker 4 1:13

I hope that this counts. Yeah, too, I used to work construction before I came here and I was volunteering for this one ministry and helped them build their dining hall and I got to tile the floor for that. I think the reason why I found it so rewarding is because the ministry it was pretty poor. We were mostly just getting donated tile, so it was like a lot of it was cracked and stuff in the boxes. They just gave me all these different colors and were like you just need to make this work. So, yeah, I was just able to actually use the different colors and stuff to put like different crosses in the floor and kind of make some different changes. So it ended up turning out really cool and I was just happy how the Lord was able to I don't know just use something, maybe symbolically, use something that was broken and all out of place and then use that for something that just even looked more beautiful.

Speaker 5 2:02

So that was really cool use that for something that just even looked more beautiful. So that was really cool. I was happy built a uh an addition onto my uh old family home with my dad so we'd have room for my three brothers that were being adopted at the time. It was pretty cool.

Speaker 6 2:14

I think it was last year, the year before last, I was redoing like a garden bed for my mom and, uh, I don't know why, but I just had this strange urge to like lay brick and make a brick wall. I've never worked in construction, I've never done anything like that. I researched for a week and then finally I ended up laying brick on this brick wall. It's a foot big, but it turned out great, it's still standing so I'm pretty impressed with that. It was almost accidental, but very cool.

Speaker 2 2:41

That is cool. You guys are way more impressive than me. Mine was going to be something out of Legos or something. I don't know. That's just maybe something like.

Speaker 4 2:48

I would say the Millennium Falcon or the Death Star out of Legos would probably rival the architectural knowledge of any construction.

Speaker 2 2:56

Yeah, so you guys have been out at Boys Ranch for a year to two years and I've seen you guys build some really powerful and meaningful relationships with a lot of kids. Can you give our listeners some tips on how they can build relationships with their kids?

Speaker 4 3:08

Yeah, okay. So before I came out here, my father, he told me that love is a four-letter word and it's spelled T-I-M-E. Yeah, you might have heard that before, might have not, but I've really just found the most amount of time that you can spend with a kid is going to build that relationship. I mean if you. I mean whether it be sports, whether it be helping them with homework, whether it be we're doing chores together, really just anything that you're just present, You're with them and they notice that and they notice the, the amount that you're investing in them with that.

Speaker 3 3:44

Yeah, like one of my first experiences out here was with the kid and he he wanted me to give him a ride somewhere. So I did and in that just like first interaction with this kid he ended up. He ended up telling me kind of his like his life story. Right off the bat he knew my brother and sister had been out here so I guess that's why he immediately kind of already trusted me with that and he was kind of joking about it. It was a really sad story and my first interaction was just kind of shock. You know I come from a pretty privileged background and hearing that kind of shocked me. But instead of treating him with kid gloves, you know I respected him and kind of met him where he was at because he seemed kind of he seemed very not not not pleased with it but he was joking and, you know, laughing about it, and so I just kind of met him where he was at with that.

Speaker 5 4:31

I think, especially for us, with what we do, making yourself accessible as often as possible, when, if the kids think you're you're only hanging out with them because you get paid to do so, probably not going to build a great relationship with them, but when you really put in time outside of just what you're required to do. That's when the real relationship building happens, and I think this group of us four have done a lot of that over the last year, which has really helped with that.

Speaker 5 4:59

And, on top of that, just being vulnerable with the kids and having you know, just being open with them about stuff. Don't lie to them, that's a big thing. But yeah, just being vulnerable and showing that you're human too helps with connection really well.

Speaker 2 5:14

Yeah, I think that vulnerability piece is huge. They want you to be vulnerable first, it seems like before they're willing to open up and be vulnerable themselves.

Speaker 6 5:22

I was recently approached by a pastor and he asked me their church is right across from a junior high, and so he'd asked me. He said, hey, do you have like I would like to sit down with you at lunch, over lunch at some point, and discuss like how we can get better involved with this junior high across the street and like how can we start building relationships with these kids? And all I could think about was along the lines of everyone said but like just go do stuff with them, just get involved with their little communities. And I think sometimes for me personally I know that I've always made it feel harder than it has to be but it really, like it really isn't like just take them to do stuff.

Speaker 6 5:59

and even as, like a parent, I think about how many times and and I love my parents and I'm not trying to, um, slander them, but I just think of how many times me, like, my parents took me out to do stuff that wasn't like we're going to amarillo already, so might as well just go to mcdonald's, and now we're eating together. But I think of how many times my parents, just for no reason at all, we're just like hey, hey, let's go to the park, let's go eat ice cream, let's do something like that. And, um, I probably could count those times on my hands. Just, this just wasn't what they did. But I think it's those times that are most crucial, along the lines of, like what Isaac is saying, when they, when the, when the kid can see that it's not forced, you're not doing this because it's convenient, because we're already here, but like the intentionality I think kids notice more than we give them credit for. I think you're right.

Speaker 2 6:44

So how do you balance being an authority figure or a mentor while at the same time trying to be a fun person that they can connect with? That's a good one. This is a hard one for me.

Speaker 4 6:54

I would say, I would argue every kid needs a fun uncle in their life. You know, everyone knows what that is. It's a person that they've got experience but also they still not have fun. They don't. They're not in charge of discipline. That I feel like we're blessed. I tell everyone that we have a really easy job as chaplains because we really we just get it. We get to do things with the kids that they enjoy, and yet we're not really. We're not really the disciplinary officer that many of other people have to be in this setting. So I think it's good. I think it's a balance. I would say the best thing in if you're in that role is probably boundaries. There are rules and you need to stick to them. You need to. You know, let the kids know off the bat this is what we're going to do. This we're not going to do. We can have fun, but we're not going to have like mania. It's going to be. We're going to keep it in bounds. There's limits.

Speaker 3 7:49

Yeah, and I think going along with that, setting that line from the very beginning is it's much easier to hold that line than it is to move it back to where it needs to be, because once they've already crossed that there I mean it's free reign and they're going to they Because once they've already crossed that, I mean it's free reign and they're going to run all over you.

Speaker 2 8:05

Yeah, I think that's a mistake a lot of people make, is they try to be too nice in the beginning and makes their job a lot harder in the long run.

Speaker 5 8:10

You can definitely use playful redirection sometimes, but at some point you really just have to be very stern with the kids, just say, hey, we're not doing this anymore. With the kids just say, hey, like we're not doing this anymore. And I've noticed, especially with being a chaplain here, it's been really easy to kind of shy away from having to confront kids until I started coaching baseball and everything.

Speaker 5 8:31

And once you're put in that leadership role, we're like okay, you are the guy that the kids have to answer to so having that, where you have to say, hey, you know you need to go run for how you're acting right now, and they laugh at you, you go oh, I've not done a good job of setting these boundaries up, you know. So, yeah, kind of just following in line with that and helping them understand hey, you guys need to show me respect, but you also have to earn that from them you can't just walk in and say I deserve your respect without showing them why you deserve it.

Speaker 6 9:00

You know I find myself, which isn't necessarily a good thing, but I always find myself leaning more towards authority, like I tend to be kind of a stickler. Um, until I came here and so, like, from a different perspective of it, like I was very like rules are rules, like we don't do anything. That is even like pushing the boundaries on the rules or whatever. But then in in our training we heard a quote that I don't remember who was, by um, but it said uh, it's, it's the kids jobs to push the boundaries so that we can see how overbearing we are.

Speaker 6 9:30

It was something that was interesting along that line, um, and so for me, this year I've really learned like, just loosen up, like, like it's, it's a cliche a little bit, but life really is too short to be like down their necks all the time, like let them have fun. And even being out here where we're working with kids that have been through trauma, there was many times when I had to just take a step back within myself and think, like, ok, like, this kid has probably never experienced something like this before, and here I am like restricting this new experience for them. And so for me it's been. It's been a year of more softening my heart and softening my stickler.

Speaker 6 10:06

That's just been there with me, and so I definitely think that there is a balance, but in our position, I don't think it's a bad thing for us to lean a little more towards the fun side, like William said.

Speaker 2 10:15

So, in your experience, what are some effective approaches or activities that can help establish trust and rapport with children, so you can build those?

Speaker 4 10:22

relationships. This is kind of an oxymoron, but the only way that you can know if you can trust someone is by trusting them. I mean, it really does come down to that and kids notice. I think it's good to give kids a clean slate when you establish a relationship with them. There are some kids and they'll introduce themselves like yeah, rules, yeah, I do this sort of stuff, we've all had that.

Speaker 4 10:48

And uh, I just like to let them know off the bat like hey, with with me, I have no reason to. I have no reason to think that you're going to, that you're going to do something to make it so I can't trust you. If you prove me wrong, then you know. Then I know for the future, but I just like to make it so I can't trust you. If you prove me wrong, then you know. Then I know for the future, but I just like to make it a ground rule to set that straight with the kids. And you're surprised I'm surprised how many times I get a kid that you know almost self-identifies as someone who misbehaves and really conduct themselves with the utmost respect around because they know that their past isn't going to hold them down and it's like they have a new kind of a new future that way.

Building Strong Relationships With Children

Speaker 3 11:25

So yeah, I do think that's you know you have to be, you have to be honest, um, in order. You know, honesty and trust they go hand in hand. And um, I think, for for adults, we need to be real with the kids doesn't doesn't mean we need to be open with them. You know you don't need to air your dirty laundry to a kid, but you do need to be real with them and let them see that you're, you know you have failing, shortcomings, just as they do. If you're not real with them, then they won't be able to relate with you. I also think that those kids, they're going to be much more willing, you know, to open up with you after they see that you're a real person.

Speaker 2 12:05

They can definitely tell who's the. Who are the people that are being real and the people like talked about, maybe last time just in it for a paycheck.

Speaker 5 12:09

Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think just being being intentional with the kids they'll notice when. They'll notice when you show up, when things are hard to show up to, Um, so you know, if you show up to a basketball game on a day that you're working, they see, okay, he's working already, so of course he's going to be here. If you go to a wrestling tournament two days in a row on your days off, they'll probably notice and say, oh, hey, he really cares about what I'm doing and how I'm doing.

Speaker 5 12:36

Uh, and that can really help build trust and and uh yeah so just being intentional with the kids and and showing them, even when things are hard, uh, you're gonna show up the best you can, yeah I think um along the lines of what everyone's saying, like presence I think is is a big one.

Speaker 6 12:53

uh, in our training we learned that kids like need to see you interact with other people, um, in order to trust the other person if they already trust you and even just to see how you are.

Speaker 6 13:03

There was a time when I'm from spearman and spearman has a skate park, and it was before I had even really interacted with youth a whole lot, but I just felt it in my heart that I needed to go interact with these kids at the skate park, and these kids are more or less, could you know, under certain circumstances, be here on ranch with us, you know, and so and so, for a long time I was, I did it for a whole summer and literally majority of the time that I went I didn't do anything but just sit there.

Speaker 6 13:31

I didn't have a skateboard, I didn't do anything, but I literally would just go and I would sit with them, um, and then eventually I started bringing them waters, um, because it was hot and you know, know, their parents would just kind of sit out there to get rid of them, and so I eventually started bringing them waters and then eventually they started to actually like interact with me and then I started skating and then eventually, like they just literally just became my friends, and so I think presence is a big thing, an effective approach, just just being there and again, like I think I think just kids need to see you interact and they just need to.

Speaker 6 14:01

I think that gains their trust.

Speaker 2 14:03

What are some key principles or strategies for building strong relationships with kids, particularly in the context of a faith based setting?

Speaker 6 14:10

I think it's. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I think it's easy sometimes to be overzealous, right and so, like I kind of talked about this a little bit, but like I'll use the example at the skate park again, I knew in my heart that I was going there to show them Jesus. But sometimes it's easy to be so zealous about doing that that you kind of get ahead of where you're trying to be here spiritually, but in reality your relationship with the kids aren't ready for that stage.

Speaker 6 14:39

Another training that we learned here was that you have to earn your right to share the gospel with somebody, which I never thought about it in that stage. Another training that we learned here was that you have to earn your right to share the gospel with somebody, which I never thought about it in that sense. But we've talked about relationship a lot, but I really do think, like before there's any faith-based sharing or anything like that, you really have to have that relationship with the kid first, which for us as Christians tends to feel really backwards, because my goal is to get them saved.

Speaker 2 15:02

Right, this is what I want.

Speaker 6 15:03

They need to whatever, whatever.

Speaker 2 15:05

The stakes are so high.

Speaker 6 15:06

Yes, yeah, and I think, again, we get so overzealous For me personally, this year, I would get so overzealous I'd forget that this is a real human with real feelings, with real circumstances that are going through things. And here I am just trying to shove the gospel down their throat when in reality, like, they just need a friend. And so I think, yeah, a relationship is definitely a place to start, for sure.

Speaker 3 15:29

Yeah, I think that that's the—there's a really good quote that goes along with that. I can't remember who it's by, but it's Preach always and, if necessary, use words. Oh yeah, st Augustine yeah and I think that that's pretty true. You know you, just, you have to live life with somebody and through that, if you are living Christ's life, they are going to see that and that'll speak more to them than a sermon ever would I would say, just going off of what Sol just said words without action lose their meaning.

Speaker 5 15:58

So you can say whatever you want to to the kids, but if you don't back it up with how you live or how you treat people, they're not going to trust you, they're not going to believe any of the words you say. So, yeah, backing up what you say with with your actions really helps deepen that relationship and builds up.

Speaker 4 16:16

It's kind of a difficult situation because, yeah, in the back of your mind Daniel was talking about, you do want to, you know, convert these kids and you do want them to accept Christ, but at the same time, if you go into a relationship just trying to change someone, they can really sense that from the beginning and I think that there's a difference between going in trying to change someone and going in trying to educate someone and something like that.

Speaker 4 16:43

So there were some other people who said I mean, if you go into a relationship, change them, even for the better, you're going in with the wrong intentions. You really just need to be going into that relationship first and foremost to love that individual, and I think it's when you get that, that's when you actually can see the Spirit get in there, and then he does that. I don't think it's not our job to just make people grow spiritually. It's not something that we can do for them. You know that's the Spirit. Our job is to let them know to live out and embody Christ and then you know, hopefully the seeds take root from that.

Speaker 2 17:15

So, in your opinion, what are some of the long-term benefits or impacts of building strong relationships with children particularly?

Speaker 3 17:24

in the terms of their personal growth and spiritual development. Well, all of these kids are going to grow up one day and they're going to be your neighbors, they're going to be your co-workers, maybe be your boss mothers, fathers and if you're not helping to make them better, then you're not going to make the world a better place.

Speaker 4 17:40

I wish I would have brought my journal because I wrote down a lot of the statistics. There was a doctor that our head chaplain spoke to us about and she had a lot of degrees in psychology. She did a lot of experiments with that and just what she found not necessarily just pinpointed to Christianity, but she found that kids that had a were spiritually what was the word they used? Help me out, guys. Yeah, yeah, just maybe just spiritual kids that were, you know, took spirituality seriously.

Speaker 4 18:09

And it was just this laundry list of so many things that I mean less likely to commit suicide, less likely to abuse drugs, less likely to be an alcoholic, less likely. And then I mean the list just kept going on and it was crazy that you'd think that it would be so obvious how much it helps people and you'd think that if you're a good parent, that you'd want these for your kids. So for me, I just think that if you can get these kids rooted in Christianity, then you're just going to give them such a better outcome on life. I just think the amount of joy you can have in life is great and then just also I mean just the amount of things statistically that they're going to be less likely to have to go through is also amazing.

Speaker 2 18:52

Right. So how important is it to build strong, meaningful relationships, to be present and accessible, not only during moments of enjoyment, but also in those moments of challenge.

Speaker 4 19:01

I feel like some of the most, and I think, if you look at some of the more influential people in your life, it's the people that were kind of down in the ditch with you when you most needed it. It was the people that you know. The person that came to help you change your tire, when you know you were stuck on the side of the road when you didn't know what to do. It was the person that you know helped you, helped you move into your dorm at college or, you know, helped you get through something that was really hard when you maybe lost a loved one. You know it's people that go through those hard things with you. I think that really have an even more long-lasting relationship with Like the country song.

Speaker 3 19:41

Find Out who your Friends Are. Find out who your friends are, yeah.

Speaker 4 19:44

Yeah.

Speaker 3 19:45

I guess nobody's heard that country song.

Speaker 4 19:49

So, yeah, I mean moments of enjoyment. I mean it's great to celebrate together, right? I mean you're always going to have someone to celebrate with. You know like there are parties and there are massive groups of people come together to celebrate something, but you know how many groups of people come together to mourn with you for something? That's, I guess, maybe where you find out who your friends are. Maybe that's what that country song is talking about.

Speaker 6 20:17

I also think about and this is interesting, but like the order, does there need to be first moments of enjoyment before these moments of challenge? Right, like if you don't have the moments of enjoyment with a child or even just someone with a relationship, like are they going to be open enough to you to have like these moments of challenge, or even let you in on these moments of challenge, and so I don't know how important we would consider the order of those, because I can also see it being the other way, like you are there in a moment of challenge for someone and then that opens the door for relationship and moments of enjoyment. But particularly the order that you have it enjoyment before challenge I think is something that sometimes we overlook, sometimes.

Speaker 5 20:48

This might be common with a lot of people, or it might not be, but I think having, like, when you look through your core memories, a lot of them will probably be at a time where something shocking happened. It was really sad or really painful, and I think having people around you at that time is what you'll really remember.

Speaker 5 21:07

So, like a lot of my memories from you know, my childhood is like you know, getting hurt and having a parent around or a friend or a brother around to say, hey, like it's okay, like you know you're going to heal and you'll be fine, and having that person to share in that mourning and that grief or whatever, that's really what you remember. So having that with the kids, having that relationship with the kids, is like a lot of the time. What really builds that relationship to the point where you're having a true relationship with a person, is just sitting there and crying with them because you know something bad happened or they're reminded of something, and then they see, oh, this, this person really cares about me yeah, I think going along with that on the other side of that, those, uh, the people that are going through those hard times, and if they don't have someone there, uh, the mentality that they have.

Speaker 3 21:56

This is kind of a common phrase today and I don't like the phrase, but it's if you can't, if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. That's generally what they'll will come across, that mindset and they're.

Speaker 5 22:07

In my experience so far with working at the ranch, there hasn't been really a resident uh that I've worked with, that I've built a really good relationship, that I haven't had one of those moments with where things were really hard and I just had to sit there with them and comfort them because they were going through something. So, yeah, that's really important.

Speaker 2 22:27

All right. Thank you all for joining us today and until next week, remember you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you remember to get them back.

Speaker 1 22:35

Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. By donating to our mission. Please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Calfarley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.