Building Relationships - The Power of Work and Mentorship Part 1

Can household chores really shape your child's future? We explore practical strategies for involving children in household tasks, showing how this early engagement can lead to a sense of pride, belonging, and future success.

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Transcript

Building Relationships Through Chores

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.

Speaker 2 0:34

Welcome everyone and thank you for joining us as we talk about building relationships, the power of work and mentorship. To do that today, I'm joined by I'm Hal Davis.

Speaker 3 0:42

I'm the Director of the Experiential Learning Program.

Speaker 4 0:45

Bear Ray Wheatley. I'm the Emerging Technology Coordinator.

Speaker 5 0:49

Mike Wilhelm Senior Chaplain.

Speaker 6 0:50

Suzanne Wright, Vice President of Training and Intervention.

Speaker 2 0:54

It's nice to have you all here today. As we do every week, we're going to kick off with our question of the day, and since we're talking about work today, I thought I would ask you what was your least favorite chore growing up?

Speaker 6 1:04

Least favorite implies we would have a most favorite. None of them were my favorite, but I think my least favorite was sweeping and mopping the floors, and I still don't really enjoy sweeping and mopping.

Speaker 3 1:15

I would probably say my least favorite was having to wash and dry dishes and put them away.

Speaker 4 1:20

My mother had several flower beds and they were just dirt. She didn't have any ground covering, but my job was to weed them every week and I would get up at six o'clock on Saturday morning and weed my mother's flower beds.

Speaker 5 1:33

I guess my least favorite chore was when I was in middle school. We used to keep some calves in a barn that didn't have running water and had to carry the water from pump house to down to this barn. In the wintertime in Northwest Illinois it's really cold and when you're sloshing water on your pant, leg out in the cold and then your hands hurt on the handle and you're just having a real pity party. So that was my least favorite chore, I guess.

Speaker 6 1:59

Now, that just makes me sound whiny. What was yours, josh?

Speaker 2 2:05

Well, when I was a kid, whenever we'd have company come over, my mom would always make us scrub the baseboards and it was just such a pain and I was just like, so I don't know if it really wasn't that hard, it was just like the futility of it or something that just made it rough. And dusting I hate dusting, still do.

Speaker 6 2:19

And do you make your children scrub the baseboards before you have company? I do not.

Speaker 2 2:31

All right. So let's start by talking about chores, since this is where kids tend to get their foundation for their relationship with work. So what should parents' expectations be for kids? Let's say two to five.

Speaker 6 2:38

I think two to five-year-olds are able to help maybe not be completely responsible for a chore, but they can certainly help and that's a great time for kids to start to learn to work alongside an adult. They can certainly take laundry out of the dryer or put things away, clean up their room and that kind of thing, but having expectations that are realistic for their age.

Speaker 4 3:02

Yeah, and I think that's great, especially for young kids, because I think it makes them feel a part of the group. They see the parents working together and doing things and here's this young child that's two or five and now I have a role with inside of the group, so I think it brings a closeness to the family actually having chores.

Speaker 2 3:17

I think there's something interesting about this age too, where they're actually excited to help and, whether you want them to or not, they love to do it, and I think it's really important to not crush that and really help them feel like they belong, because if you kind of crush that or just, oh, I don't need your help sometimes, I think that is kind of why kids grow up to not like or enjoy work, because we kind of crush their spirit early on. What about ages six to eight then?

Speaker 6 3:42

I think children in that age range are learning to be a little bit more independent and could certainly be given responsibilities that they could carry out on their own. Again, cleaning a room, putting up laundry, even being responsible for caring for a pet, is a good option.

Speaker 3 4:00

Yeah, I mean, I think that's good, I think at that age or being allowed to clean up their room, make their bed in the morning and with some of them, you know it may still be needing to work alongside of them I think that's important. But, like I say, at that age, I think, like Josh said a little bit, there's still a little bit of excitement there about taking that responsibility and doing a little bit of stuff.

Speaker 2 4:19

One thing I think it's important not to do is sometimes we as adults we're in a hurry to get chores and everything done and at this age it's a little bit extra work to kind of let them do their chores. So sometimes I think we try and do their chores for them or take over and I think it just kind of makes it where the kids don't feel like they're part of the group or their work is valuable and again I think that kind of can be hard for them later in life when they have to have chores.

Speaker 4 4:42

And I was thinking about my youngest daughter. When she was she was probably six or seven I was rebuilding a deck in the backyard and so I'm drilling in screws to put the decks in. And she says dad, can I help you? And my first thought was no, because I'm like I need to get this done. And then I thought, okay, sure, so I would actually hold the screw and she would hold, press it to get the drill. And all she did was squeeze the trigger and it probably took me hours longer to get that deck finished. And I was just thinking, two days ago she calls me up and asked me hey, dad, I need to go buy a drill. And so she's going to Lowe's to get a drill.

Speaker 6 5:18

And she had pride in knowing that she helped build that deck.

Speaker 4 5:22

And you know my thought on that is, if a child asks to do something, if they have a curiosity about it, yeah, it's gonna slow us down as an adult or a parent or work mentor, but I think we should let them explore that curiosity because that gives them a confidence that they probably can't get someplace else.

Speaker 2 5:37

So what about ages then, nine to 11? What expectations should parents have for this age group?

Speaker 4 5:43

At this age. They can actually if they have younger siblings. My youngest brother was six years younger than me, and so my mother assigned me the job of getting him ready for school, for daycare in the morning, and so that was my job, to get him ready, and again it was helping out within the family.

Speaker 6 5:57

Well and you alluded to that earlier that we all help out within a family. Each person has a role play and it's important for all of us to pull our weight and do our part so that the family functions, and I think that's important for kids to learn.

Speaker 4 6:13

Yeah, and as you were talking, I thought the other thing is we feel value in the family. Yes, that we're an important component, not just another family member.

Speaker 2 6:21

Yes, so should kids have chores during this age? Should it be an expectation or do you think that that's family preference?

Speaker 3 6:29

I feel like it should be a little bit of an expectation. Or do you think that that's family preference? I feel like it should be a little bit of an expectation, like, say, they may be getting that age to where they're not quite as willing to help out. I think having that expectation, you know, like it's already been mentioned, I do think it plays a role in them feeling like they're a part of the family. That's one of the things that we talk about here at Boys Ranch with our model of leadership. Belonging is one of the big keys. I feel like there should be a little bit of an expectation that they do have chores. I appreciate.

Speaker 5 6:56

Bear Ray, what you said about it takes more time usually to do a task involving a six to eight-year-old or nine to 11-year-old, but what a great investment. But if we take the shortcut and just want to get the thing done, we're missing out on a lot of good relationship time. So I just appreciate what you said. It's going to actually take more time, but it's the best investment of time. Yeah.

Speaker 4 7:23

I just thought of another story. I was putting in some tile in a bathroom. So same daughter, she liked to help Dad, I guess, and I was doing the grout. And she liked to help dad, I guess, and she I was putting doing the grout and she said, dad, can I help you with the grout? Okay, so I kind of showed her how to do it. So anyway, I had something else to go do. So I went and did whatever I was doing. I come back and she's still grouting and I said, okay, I'll get in there and help you. She goes, dad, I got this. She was 11 years old. She finished grouting that tile. Now I had to do the final wash up to get all the excess off and stuff. But yeah, she sat and grouted the bathroom floor, did a good job because it's still there today Probably felt very proud of herself for doing that.

Speaker 2 8:02

So now let's move to age 12 to 14. What expectations should kids in that age have when it comes to doing chores? That's a tough age, oh yeah.

Speaker 6 8:11

I think that as children get older, their responsibilities increase according to their capacity right. So we have age-appropriate expectations at each stage. But as kids get older, that they learn to take on more responsibility and that we have appropriate expectations for their ability to accomplish those tasks right. We're not going to place adult parental responsibilities on them, but we do want them to learn increasing responsibilities, not only because they are participating in a family, but that is preparation for them to live on their own as adults, right?

Managing Teen Overwhelm and Responsibilities

Speaker 2 8:51

All right, so let's move to age 15 to 18. What should be the expectations when it comes to chores and work at this age range?

Speaker 6 8:59

I do think that when children hit this stage, some of them are able to have actual jobs outside of the home, and teenagers in high school tend to have a lot of activities to be involved in. So, while they still need to complete chores and they have household responsibilities, we do want to keep that in balance with responsibilities at school and if they have an actual job, and so I think you have to consider those factors. You know, when my daughters were in school and working, it didn't bother me to throw a load of their laundry in and take care of that for them, because they had other responsibilities. So they're still managing things, but I didn't want them to be overwhelmed and I'm proud of them for accomplishing those tasks outside of the home, and so I feel like if I could maybe ease a chore, that that's okay too.

Speaker 4 9:52

And I was thinking, you know, at that age we're looking at hopefully we've been doing all along but teaching them more life skills things my mother did. I mean we cooked, my sister cooked one day and I did the dishes that week, and then we flip flop. I mean my mother used to sew and she had a sewing machine and back in the day I had, I think they put a little hem in my pants, my jeans, and I walked in and I said, hey, mom, I need these jeans done.

Speaker 4 10:13

And she said the sewing machine's over there I learned how to sew buttons on shirts and those basic skills. But what it did for me, I mean that sounds kind of silly, but it gave me a lot of confidence when I left home that I could take care of myself as an adult and I didn't have to have go-to cleaners or have extra help, that I was a self-functioning adult and those skills were. I mean. I didn't like it at the time, but once I got on my own I really saw the value of what she was trying to do.

Speaker 6 10:39

I have three daughters, none of whom were very neat as teenagers when they lived in my home, and I tried to keep that in perspective. It didn't have to be perfect and I tried to remember that I could just shut their door. However, as adults living out on their own, I'm shocked at how neat they are and how clean their homes are, and so it's become more important to them and it wasn't tied to me being irrationally controlling about them having a clean home, right, and so I just say that as encouragement for other parents who may have kids who are less than neat living in their home. Sometimes, when they get out on their own and it's their responsibility, that becomes more important to them. I know my middle daughter, when she lived on her own for the first time, was really upset. She couldn't blame the mess on anyone else.

Speaker 2 11:32

There were no siblings.

Speaker 6 11:34

Somehow that messy mirror in the bathroom was totally on her.

Speaker 2 11:40

Suzanne, a few minutes ago you mentioned kids being overwhelmed. What would you give parents advice on how to handle it if a kid is overwhelmed with their sports, their school work, their job, all those things, if they just have overwhelmed with, like, their sports, their schoolwork, their job, all those things, if they just have too much on their plate. What would be good advice for parents who are dealing with that?

Developing Work Ethic Through Childhood Chores

Speaker 6 11:57

Well, I think for sure that you want to bring that teenager, that young adult, into a conversation about priorities and when they are still in school, that is a priority for them to finish school and you've got to remember to help them to manage their time and their priorities. And a lot of kids are involved in a whole lot of things. So if you're playing more than one sport and you may be in UIL academic competitions and if you have a job and you have chores on top of that, you know we can step back from our vantage point a fully developed cortex and a lot years of experience to help them prioritize and manage some of those things. And, honestly, sometimes kids need to give up an activity or two.

Speaker 6 12:45

Sometimes I think in our current culture we way overschedule kids from the time that they're in that two to five age range. We have something going on every evening, we have them involved in so many activities and we have to remember that free time is important too, and not only for smaller children, but teenagers need that opportunity for downtime and to relax as well, need that opportunity for downtime and to relax as well. And I can remember times that my teenagers on a Saturday when they had nothing to do would sleep till noon, and I had to remind myself that it's because their body and their brain needed rest and they needed that time to recharge. And so we do need to balance our demands on them and just the demands in life.

Speaker 3 13:34

I think it's important, suzanne, like you said, it's having that conversation with them, getting their input on that. You know, like I say, us being able to, you know more experience and things. It's easy for us to say, well, you need to give up this or you need to give up that. You know they're probably going to rebel against that, where, if we have that conversation and get their input, I think that's valuable too.

Speaker 2 13:56

All right. So what role do parents play in teaching the value of chores and preparing children for future work responsibilities?

Speaker 6 14:03

Well, I think for sure that we are the role model. We set the tone. What is our attitude towards completing chores in the home? Do we complain about it all the time? Do we gripe in front of our family? Do we blame other family members for creating more work for us? And what is our attitude towards going to work? If we complain about our coworkers and our bosses and the tasks we have to do, we are setting the foundation for how they will feel about their work someday in the future, and I think sometimes we as adults don't realize the impact that our attitudes and the words that come out of our mouths have on our kids.

Speaker 4 14:47

Yeah, I always think about the fact that, especially in our homes or whatever, that somebody's always watching, even when it may be a really minor moment to me, but to another child or to a child in the family, it can really be something that's very impactful. So just to always remember, like you said, what's my attitude, because not only what am I saying, but what does my face look like? Do I have a frown on my face? Those little tiny things that people pick up on?

Speaker 2 15:13

So how do simple chores performed in childhood lay the foundation for work ethic and responsibility into adulthood?

Speaker 5 15:20

Josh, I was thinking and I bet a lot of, maybe a lot of the listeners can relate to this. If you've ever been in a position where you're hiring people, if you look at work history and even a little bit deeper back than that, but just some family history that that work history emerges from, there's those special people that are going to be special employees have learned. I think, barry, you mentioned the problem solving and how a lot of the mentorships that your group does has a backdrop meaningful. Sometimes it's sustaining life. Some of that with agriculture you have that meaningful backdrop. Those that come from a setting that have been in settings where they had to do the problem solving, or maybe there was just this meaningful life hanging in the balance with the responsibilities that you grew up with. Those are the kind of people that can just go out there and just knock it out of the park doing anything. They're teachable, they learn to do any job and they're the ones that rise to the top. So I think your question, josh, it's huge right.

Speaker 6 16:25

I think, if you look at the flip side of that, what if we had children who were never expected to complete chores in the home or never expected to be that contributing member of a family, and then suddenly they reach adulthood and they're expected to develop that contributing member of a family? And then suddenly they reach adulthood and they're expected to develop a work ethic and to have responsibilities in a workplace? It would be almost impossible, right? And so that mindset starts in early childhood and then we nurture it and care for it and develop it so that by the time they are ready to be productive adult, they've got a little muscle memory for completing chores, they understand the value and the importance of contributing to society.

Navigating Teen Responsibility and Mentorship

Speaker 4 17:08

I remember it was a long time ago. I read a guy said we aren't raising children, we're raising adults. So true which means, as they're aging, we should be giving them things that are teaching them how to be a functioning adult when they leave home, and giving them those skills through chores or whatever it might be.

Speaker 6 17:24

I read a book several years ago. I think it's called we Can Do Hard Things. I may have that incorrectly, but it was written by two brothers and they were talking about the fact that teenagers can be given responsibilities and should be given responsibilities, and one of the things they pointed out was that for many, many years in our history there was no concept of teenager. People were either children or they were adults, and that differentiation came at about 13 or 14 years old and that historically, there were, you know, 13 or 14 year old young men who were the captain of ships or they were doing a full day's work, or there were 13 or 14 year old women who were wives and mothers.

Speaker 6 18:06

Now, I don't promote that we go back to that. That's not, you know, that's not what I'm suggesting at all. But I do think that that concept of teenagers requires a lot of finesse and diplomacy on the part of adults, because that age range is full of people who are coming out of childhood, striving to be adults, but just learning to balance. What does that mean? That responsibility and that freedom and so that's a hard time period, I think, for both teenagers and for parents is for us to have realistic expectations for what a teenager can and should be responsible for. And again, how you mentioned this, it's a conversation that we navigate right between you know, as as a parent of small children, we're a little bit more in control of the plan and the schedule and assigning chores. But as kids get older, as we're helping them prepare for adulthood, then it's more of a conversation and where it's a joint effort.

Speaker 4 19:06

You know, I think one of the things I learned was and it's stuck with me throughout my life is I could do things I wasn't excited about.

Speaker 2 19:12

So true yeah.

Speaker 4 19:14

You know, because I hear a lot of kids, even in my group, sir that's not fun. But everything we do it doesn't matter what job you have. At some point it's not going to be fun. But that doesn't mean the task doesn't have to be completed. But as a child I didn't get that option. Here's the task. I didn't want to do it, but again, it's given me a work do so I can move on to do the things that I enjoy, and that's just something I developed as a child.

Speaker 5 19:40

I was curious. Probably, barry and Hal. It's obvious that the simple chores do lay a foundation for work ethic and being responsible. Now, one thing that I notice is rare to find, say, a young new hire that has what you call workplace initiative. Young, say, a young new hire that has what you call workplace initiative. That, okay, beyond. Okay, it's great to be responsible for assigned duties, but then to look outside the box and notice that, oh, this thing that I wasn't told to do. Right now I have all the things done that have been asked of me and now I notice this person over here is unloading cases of water out of the trunk by themselves. I'm going to step over and help them. That doesn't come natural. So I'm curious with the work that you do with the young people, is that something that you teach, and how do you teach that? That's an interesting question.

Speaker 4 20:32

I hadn't thought of it in that respect. I don't think I actually teach it. I put them in a position to do that and what I do is I try to take I call it ownership. And for instance, I have a kid, we have a laser machine where we laser engrave things, and this young man was kept wanting because I was doing the lasering and I finally decided I'm going to teach him how to do it. He wasn't even in my group and I showed him how to do it, and so then when other kids needed something lasered, I would point him out as go see him. He can help you with the laser. But that gave him. He owned it and he would.

Speaker 4 21:00

Mr Wheatley, you have a minute. I've got a problem and I would just sit a little bit later. Okay, sir, I figured it out. And he asked me one day. I said have you ever noticed, when you ask me to help you, I don't just jump, think I do that. And he, I don't know. I said because I believe you're smart enough to figure it out. And his eyes got so big because where he came from and what this child has been through for him to hear that that he is, has talent, he's got skills and he's better at it than I am. I mean that that made his day and so. But what I've noticed is he's willing to help other kids now with not just lasering with other things in the shop because he thinks he's a leader. He came in as Mr Nobody in his mind, but now he's a leader, and what leaders do is they lead in other areas. I think.

Speaker 5 21:44

And that goes back to what you said earlier. You mentioned the problem solving and then you mentioned confidence in both those things and that will serve that kid, or any of these kids, well going forward right.

Speaker 2 21:57

So how do chores encourage teamwork and collaboration among siblings and family members? It costs a lot of fights in our house, no.

Speaker 4 22:03

Mine too, and I'm just going to tell it like it is. When I would do the dishes, one of us would wash and one of us would dry, and that's how we kind of started out. Now, I guess we were probably my sister was maybe 13. I was probably 10 years old. She, I guess we were probably my sister was maybe 13. I was probably 10 years old. She was a little bit older than I am and always will be. She's my older sister. I thought I mentioned that. But when it was her turn to, because I had to.

Speaker 4 22:22

The dryer obviously has to wait for the washer. What a pain, because my sister just wasn't right on it right after dinner. So she would do her grades and she'd do her schoolwork and she'd get on the phone and I'm okay, I'm, I've got other things to do. So it caused some conflict in our home, but then the way we solved it was I became the washer full time. That way I was in control of my time and she could wait and she could drive to. I didn't care. But we eventually I mean it caused us to solve solve a problem.

Speaker 5 22:51

So, yeah, it caused arguments with my brother and I. We we would argue about, argue about who carried. I carried four bales of hay and he only carried three, and I would just stop and then dad would say why aren't you doing anything? Well, I carried four and Jeff's only carried three, and dad would have to fly all over him and he would say don't count.

Speaker 5 23:13

And his face was red and his blood pressure was going up, and that was one of his pet peeves, and I still have that filed away. But, all said, through these settings like this, though, we're learning, aren't we? And ultimately, my brother and I are, you know one. You know dad's mandate to not count. We learned that way, but we also learned, just over time, that we need to. If we work together, there's something important that we're doing to. If we work together, there's something important that we're doing, and if we work together, it's probably going to go quicker and it's probably going to get done better. And it's not about me, it's about whatever this responsibility is. So that's how we learn.

Speaker 2 23:50

What does being a work mentor look like out here at Boys Ranch and what role do you have in the kids programming?

Speaker 3 23:56

You know what a work mentor looks like is just someone that has patience, enjoys being with the kids, enjoys spending that time and teaching them about that particular position and what careers that that could help lead into. My specific role in the program is I interview the kids and so our kiddos actually fill out an application and set up a time to come interview with me, all of it somewhat preparing them for adulthood. Try to teach them that when they do leave and apply for jobs, they've got to go through interviews and so that's a part of the skill. And so investing with them and just explaining the different programs that we do have available, find out what their interests are, then try to place them within those with other work mentors.

Speaker 4 24:40

My role is a little different because I do rocketry, I do robotics, computer programming, electronics and those types of things and I don't necessarily see the kids growing up to be a rocket scientist or something. So a lot of what I do, I think, are intangibles. It's things like problem solving skills, it's confidence, it's doing something they've never done before and getting over the fear of failure. Because to me, of course, we all went to high school or whatever, and that was always about passing and success was making an A or a B, whereas with me and what I do with the kids, it's not necessarily about how great they accomplished something, it's about the fact that they took the effort to try to accomplish it, to do something that got them out of their comfort zone. So it's a lot more of an intangible, I think, but it's things that can actually later on in life, when they get a job, that those are skills, mental skills that they can use in their job, versus a true physical type skill.

Speaker 2 25:33

Well, thank you all for working through those questions today and I hope it wasn't too much of a chore to listen. Come back next week as we continue to talk about building relationships through work. Until then, remember you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you get them back.

Speaker 1 25:47

Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.