Building Relationships - The Power of Work and Mentorship Part 2

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Transcript

The Importance of Work Mentors

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprock.

Speaker 3 0:31

Welcome everyone and thank you for joining us as we talk about building relationships the power of work and mentorship.

Speaker 4 0:38

To do that today, I'm joined by I'm Hal Davis. I'm the Director of the Experiential Learning Program.

Speaker 5 0:42

Bear Ray Wheatley. I'm the Emerging Technology Coordinator. Mike Wilhelm Senior Chaplain.

Speaker 6 0:47

Suzanne Wright, Vice President of Training and Intervention.

Speaker 3 0:51

All right, so let's go ahead and kick off with our question of the day. Since we're again talking about work today, I thought I would ask you what was your first job and do you have any interesting memories from that job?

Speaker 6 1:00

My first job was working at Putt-Putt Golf and Games. I don't know if any of you remember when Putt-Putt was a big thing.

Speaker 3 1:07

I love Putt-Putt.

Speaker 6 1:08

Golf. I was a party planner and so if a child was having a birthday party, then I got to organize that and set up the cake and the things the parents had brought, but also take the kids around the course and play various games, and so actually that was a pretty fun job.

Speaker 5 1:28

My first job. I worked for the Lubbock Parks and Recreation Department. I was 14, and I marked a Little League baseball field. I put the flag up and got press box, or announcement box, ready for the game, and I had that job for about six weeks until I got fired because I couldn't make a straight line and so the lines to the bases were a little bit crooked.

Speaker 4 1:51

I guess probably my earliest job was probably 12, 13 years old and a buddy and myself going around and mowing lawns. After that, probably as I got into high school, first real job I had was working at the lumberyard. You know, I just enjoyed that. We got to go out on the truck and make deliveries and meet a lot of people and I did that for two or three summers while going to high school.

Speaker 2 2:13

I guess the first job was, I guess, driving tractor for Dad. I was never being accused of being the best heavy machinery operator. I think I probably tore more stuff up than what I actually helped with.

Speaker 3 2:27

My first job was working at McDonald's and I worked there for seven years, in high school and going to college, and I hated every minute of it, but that's where I met my wife, so I guess that's one good thing about there that I have good memories of.

Speaker 2 2:41

Did she go through the drive-thru and were you working the drive-thru with her? What exactly happened?

Speaker 3 2:46

No, she started working there. I actually remember the first time I saw her. I was making a fish filet on the one side and she walked through the kitchen and I was like, wow, that's a great story that is a great story. All right. So why are work mentors important in the development of children and young adults?

Speaker 4 3:09

I think they're important that they just set that example. Most of our work mentors and my parents growing up, you know, they just always they're led by example. You know. I think our work mentors do that, working alongside the kids, not that person that just sits back and gives instructions go do this, go do that but is willing to get in there and work right alongside of them, building that relationship with them.

Speaker 6 3:33

I think for any of our residents that live here on our campus, if you were to ask who their go-to trusted adult is, a majority of our kiddos would name a work mentor, a vocational mentor. I agree Because it's somebody that they are allowed to spend a significant amount of time with, who does, as Hal said, listen and invest time in them and build a relationship, and it doesn't come with some of that extra adult angst like telling me to go do my chores right or reminding me to do my chores right or reminding me to do my homework right, and so it's a different type of relationship that sometimes is a little easier to build because I know that that person isn't typically consequencing me because I forgot to do my homework right and so I think that's certainly true for our kids here on our campus, but I think that's also true for kids who have any kind of job and develop those relationships.

Speaker 6 4:31

I'm thinking how, when you worked in the lumberyard, there must have been one or two people that worked in that lumberyard that you enjoyed and looked forward to being around each summer.

Speaker 4 4:41

Oh, absolutely Right, and they were all together, yeah, and they were probably telling you stories or giving you guidance.

Speaker 6 4:49

They probably also reprimanded you when you handled something wrong, but you knew they cared about you Right. And so I think, if we think about the first bosses we had you know, or bosses that supervised us when we were young, that we think about those relationships that they built with us.

Speaker 4 5:08

Yeah, I think you're exactly right, suzanne. You know I've thought about that. Like I say, being out here at Boys Ranch as long as I have.

Speaker 6 5:15

How many years is that?

Speaker 4 5:16

Just over 32 now.

Speaker 4 5:18

And so but so many of the kids, like I say, that trusted adult in their life oftentimes is that work mentor. Same with coaches and various other people, but I think it's. You know, those kids are usually in an area, they're doing something they want to do, they enjoy being there. That adult that they're with is usually a smaller group than what they may have at home or in school and it's not that person that's got to always be the disciplinarian and it's not that person that's got to always be the disciplinarian. So, like I say, whether it's here at Boys Ranch or outside, being that work mentor, just somebody that you can sometimes talk to, and they're a little less judgmental, I think Well as you were talking, hal.

Speaker 5 5:56

That kind of gave me an idea that something I've never thought of with a child is, as a parent, working alongside your child. Typically, I gave my kids chores, but they did their chore alone, whereas as a work mentor, we're working alongside the kids, we're having conversations with the kids, and I was thinking, as a parent, that would have been a great tool for me, instead of saying, hey, go do the yard work, let me go do the yard work with you and be side by side, talking, engaging in conversation, especially in society today. Children probably spend more time at school. They spend more time with coaches. That's why they have relationships with the coaches. They probably talk to their coaches more than they talk to their own parents. But that doesn't mean that, as a parent, I can't engage my child more by, like I said, working alongside of them instead of just giving them what you want to do.

Speaker 2 6:42

There's another piece to this, where a reality is there. A lot of kids are growing up without a father in the home the boys especially, but boys and girls both that they may not have a lot of contact Quite a few kids don't have a lot of regular contact with males, with an adult male, a safe, wise, gentle, strong male. So I could see this be very important in some cases. That if I were you know, say, a single parent, mom, and you're stretched pretty thin and you're trying to think about best interest for your kiddo, I would the amount of time that we take to research a lot of things for the sake of our family car shopping and different things I would take a lot of time to find the right male mentor for a kiddo that maybe needs a good, positive male in their life. And as a pastor, I'll tell you that that has big ramifications, even in terms of coming to faith in God is having a positive, healthy relationship with a safe, strong, dependable male person. So that's just another caveat from this why mentors would be important with children.

Speaker 2 7:54

And I would even you mentioned coaches, bear Ray, and God bless them, these coaches.

Speaker 2 8:00

The role that they play in the lives of kids is so important, the role that they play in the lives of kids is so important, and I wish that every school district took very seriously the character, quality of coaches, because the stakes are high and, like you said, they might be spending more time with the kids than the parents are and having more influence than the parents.

The Impact of Effective Work Mentors

Speaker 2 8:19

So shame on us if we're cutting corners on that and we have them spending a lot of time with coaches that aren't of really sound character. But I would look outside of the box that we tend to find ourselves in is we have great demands on them as far as academics and theoretical learning, and for good reason. Okay, I totally get that, but boy, it seems like that's taken on more and more of a life of its own. And then what time there is available beyond, that tends to be coached activities, which is expanded into AAU and things like that, the confidence that comes through that. I think there are a lot of kids that are missing that with this world that we've created, this busy world that we're living in right now. So I think what you're talking about today, josh, is just more important than we could ever say.

Speaker 3 9:17

So what are some key qualities that make someone an effective mentor in a work environment?

Speaker 4 9:22

I think one quality is someone that can build people up Thinking about you know what Beret was talking the young man that has now learned to kind of take over lasering some stuff, and it's just built that young man's confidence. You know, I think it's someone, like I say, not only work beside them but can help them accomplish things and just boost their confidence.

Speaker 5 9:41

You know, and I think, a quality that is the fact that you have to honestly care. You know it can't be a job. I mean what we do. I mean, for me personally, what I do is not a job. It's not about the money, it's not about promotion, it's about being with the children and helping the kids, the residents that we have here, and I think they see that, because if you really care, then you ask questions and I think that's the biggest thing I've learned, which I a skill I wish I had had as a parent that I've learned at Boys Ranch is I see a behavior and instead of judging the behavior, I ask a question about it, because once I understand the questions, I understand the behavior, whereas a parent, a lot of times, we see something we would just want to fix it, but we don't want to understand where this is coming from. So, yeah, I think true, caring is key.

Speaker 6 10:23

You already mentioned problem-solving skills, but I think that is so important for kids to learn how to think about a problem, come up with an answer, try it. Maybe they fail, maybe they need to go back to the drawing board and try again, but I think it should be more than I command and you comply Right. And so that you know, so that we're actually having a conversation with that child about here's what needs to be done next, what do you think the best way to accomplish this is right, or what ideas do you have or you know again to bring them into that problem solving, because that's not something that we learn by accident. That is something that someone intentionally leads us through and role models for us, and it's so important.

Speaker 2 11:07

Yeah, suzanne, I appreciate what you said and it's boy, it's really easy and I'm sure a lot of the listeners.

Speaker 2 11:14

Life has a lot of demands on us and probably a lot of folks listening are stretched very thin.

Speaker 2 11:20

So our reservoirs of patience kind of dry up a bit and we just are pretty rushed.

Speaker 2 11:25

We're trying to keep a lot of plates spinning and it turns out that our so-called mentorship of our kids might just be some barking out of frustration rather than that patience that you were talking about, bear Ray, and that wisdom of listening and helping them walk through some problem solving. That takes some more time but, especially if we've been parented by someone who had harsh style, we'll just take that on and we think, well, we toughed it out and it worked for me, it's going to work for you and we'll just transmit that down the line. And I would challenge listeners to say wait a minute, maybe just having my child do menial, menial work and barking at them to do it when I'm frustrated and then being kind of absent from the scene as they're doing it, rather than being you kept talking about being alongside with them. I would just challenge folks to take a step back and it's like what does my child really need for me to flourish? And I think you guys have killed it with what you've said.

Speaker 5 12:26

One of the things I do with the child that's a little bit disruptive in a group is I make him a leader, because that gives him a specific job, and what I do is I take him off to the side and say, hey look, you're really good at this and I need some help. And here's what I'd like you to do. If you're willing, I'd like for you to help me teach some of the other kids how to do it. And all of a sudden I think this kid that's got too much energy and I'm using that energy in a positive way, but it's also lot of times that's all it really is. Is a kid believes somebody believes in them, and then all of a sudden they rise way above any expectations we ever had of them.

Speaker 6 13:01

That's really profound, so correct me if I get this wrong. A kid believes that we believe in him. Yes, that's an awesome quote.

Speaker 2 13:09

Josh, this is kind of on a rabbit trail, but just to piggyback on what Bear Ray said, one of the things here at Cal Farley's has been such a blessing and joy to watch would be that what you just said, bear Ray. I watched some kids come in here that did not have success in the school classroom and they were very checked out about it and might have been a source of shame, but it was not an area of competency. And what will happen is, I've noticed, when they have a good work mentor, where they have the experience you just talked about, where someone believes in them and they develop the problem solving and the confidence, next thing you know they wake up in the classroom and all of a sudden that seems to come back online. You've noticed that lots of times, haven't you?

Speaker 3 13:57

So in what ways do work experiences guided by mentors help in developing practical skills and other professional competencies?

Speaker 6 14:04

A lot of the opportunities that our kids get here on campus to learn work experiences have less to do with actual skills that they would carry into adulthood, but it has a lot to do with what we would call soft skills right Like how do you fill out a job application Now that's a hard skill but also how do you get along with coworkers and how do you ask for time off and why is it important to show up on time, and so there are a lot of those aspects to work that you learn by doing right. I remember in that first job at Putt-Putt I made a list. I was a senior in high school and I made a list of all the activities that I needed to take time off for, and I had several right. I was a senior and this was baccalaureate and graduation and this party and that event, and I laid that list down on her desk and she said pick the top three.

Speaker 5 14:58

What I can't do them all.

Speaker 6 15:01

I was stunned right, and I'm going to be honest, I'm a little embarrassed to say that I didn't really understand that she needed me to be present and accomplish certain tasks and I don't know, I thought they maybe wanted me for my award-winning personality term, right, but it was a surprise, right, and so that was a learning experience to me. But I carried it forward into future jobs and so it's so many situations just like that that happened here on our campus, when we are building relationship and caring for kids that we work with in a way that their boss in Amarillo, texas, may not.

Speaker 5 15:43

Right.

Speaker 6 15:44

Right, but we're given some of those skills and experience so that by the time they get to quote, unquote a real job, they've got a deeper understanding than what I had.

Speaker 5 15:55

And I think we're doing a pretty good job of it. I had, a years ago, a young lady that was looking for a job, and so I knew a guy that managed a business in Amarillo it's a major chain store and so I went and talked to him. I said, hey, I've got a young lady that you know. She's got some struggles, but she's kids know how to work. Send me all of them that you have. And he said I'll hire her sight unseen. I said I don't want you to do that. I want you to actually interview her. I want her to feel like she got the job because of who she is, not because I had this conversation with you.

Speaker 5 16:30

Yeah, but he's like man Boys Ranch kids.

Speaker 4 16:31

They know how to work and I think that's good you pointed out, suzanne. I think of course all of our programs out here we do design them like a job and so you know, one thing is trying to instill in those kids is being on time, communicating with that work mentor when you do have those activities that go on Because, like I say, kids are very busy how to get along with their co-workers, and so I think just all of those are skills that really help prepare them for adulthood with their co-workers and so I think, just all of those are skills that really help prepare them for adulthood.

Speaker 4 16:58

And you know, and I tell them, you know out here, if you're late once in a while it's probably not going to affect you a whole lot. But you develop that habit of being late and you go out into the real world and that's not going to work out for you too well. You're not going to keep that job.

Speaker 6 17:10

Several years ago, I interviewed two of our young men who were here on campus and had been allowed to have actual jobs in Amarillo over the summer, and at the end of the summer I said tell me what was different about working in town than being with your work mentor here on campus? And one of the guys said wow, you know, when your boss in town asks you to do something, he really means it, and he really means it, and so you know, the experiences that we provide here aren't actual jobs, right, right, but we're building up that level of accountability so that they're not shocked when they go and their boss actually expects them to follow through and complete a task.

Speaker 3 17:57

So can you all share some examples of some specific skills that young people have?

Speaker 6 17:58

learned through mentorship at work. When my oldest daughter was probably 15 or 16, she was able to participate in the vocational program here on our campus and she worked in the grocery store and that meant she carted out groceries for staff and she cleaned things and she did some of those gross jobs that nobody wants to do and you know that set a foundation for her early on so that in subsequent jobs she wasn't afraid to do the hard things, as mentioned earlier. Right, and so she looks for that task that you know. Once she's completed the checklist, what's the next thing that needs to be done, whether it's unloading the cases of water or cleaning a mess that was made or volunteering to do something else. And subsequent bosses in the real world have complimented her on a work ethic. But this is where it started Was here being willing to take on some of those tasks, being acknowledged by her vocational mentor for doing that. But that's where developing a work ethic started.

Speaker 3 19:03

So what core values do mentors typically impart to their mentees through work experiences?

Speaker 4 19:08

I don't know, I think, you know, I think some core values are just honesty, good work ethic, willing to help others, you know. Just to mention a few.

Speaker 6 19:16

I would add to that integrity and perseverance. That is so important that we're all going to have experiences where we fail, but we don't. You know. You don't want to give up. So you've got that mentor that encourages you to try it again, to try it a different way, but to persevere until the job is accomplished.

Speaker 5 19:35

It's kind of intangible to me, but I consider myself a child cheerleader. My job is to encourage them. But I was thinking as an adult. Sometimes we don't have anybody around us to cheer us on, but we can learn to be our own cheerleader.

Speaker 6 19:48

And how do we do that?

Speaker 5 19:49

Reflect on what the other person did for us, which is self-talk. You know, I can do this, I've got this. I mean, that's what we tell the kids, right, right, right. So. I think, we can say that to ourselves also, when we get into difficult situations that we can accomplish this. We can make this happen.

Speaker 3 20:04

So how do mentors teach ethics and integrity through work-related challenges and decisions?

Speaker 4 20:10

I think the biggest way we teach it is just by example. Yes, every day example. You know I think it was kind of mentioned earlier that you know we're always being watched, whether it's by our own kids or our residents here at Boys Ranch or our co-workers just holding ourselves accountable, do what's right when nobody's watching. And so you know, to me I think that's probably one of the biggest ways that we're able to teach. You know, I think our kids, I think they learn a lot more about what they see us do than what we tell them. Beret mentioned earlier. You know we care for them and you know, whether it's our own kids or our kids out here, those kids see through that. Am I just telling you I care for you or am I going that extra step and showing you that I care?

Speaker 6 20:53

This may have been mentioned in previous episodes, but I think we also have to own our mistakes, you know, and role model apologizing, because anyone who's worked with children again their own or boys rent residents for any length of time has messed up at some point. Right, I've messed up with my own kids. I've messed up with kids I've worked with and some of the most powerful interactions I've had with kids were when I owned that mistake and apologized for it, and I would say that that deepened my relationship with that child in a way that no other interaction has ever done.

Speaker 5 21:31

You know, a lot of times I think, in my shop I have some things I won't necessarily say they're dangerous, but there's chemicals, I have soldering irons, I have tools that could be a child could hurt themselves with, and so one of the things I tell them early on is if I can't trust you, I don't need you, because a lot of the mistakes they could make they can only make one time and so I mean that's just a standard rule. You know, when I leave the shop, if I'm helping another kid in another room, that I know that they're doing what they're supposed to do and honestly that has never been an issue. I've had kids that came in that had trust issues in school and other places and I don't know if it's just because I told them I expect that of them that they rose up to the bar, but that has never been a concern in the shop. And actually I've had. One of the hardest things for the kids to do is when they make a mistake. Let's say they're using a drill and they break a drill bit First. They want to hide it, right? I mean, that's your, I don't want to tell anybody. I just messed up. I said tell me it's okay to make mistakes. In here I said, if you're not making a mistake, you're just doing what's comfortable, because once you get out of your comfort zone you're going to whatever they've been told. So giving them the freedom to make mistakes.

Parenting Lessons Learned From Experience

Speaker 5 22:43

And one of the things I like to do is when a kid makes a mistake, I'll kind of raise my voice and then I'll start laughing because they expected me to yell at them, right, but I don't yell, I laugh and I tell them hey, thanks, I appreciate you telling me you broke that. They look at me like sir, that's going to cost $60. I don't care. I appreciate the fact that you told me you broke it. We can fix it. We can get $60 and solve the problem. But those little things to me make big differences, not only in the shop and how the shop functions, but in the child's relationship with me, because they know I tell them. I said do you know why I tell you about all these mistakes you can make? Because I've made them all myself. So if I'm not going to get mad at me for making a mistake, why would I get mad at you Once they get that in their heads?

Speaker 4 23:25

oh man, they're willing to do anything and I think, like you mentioned, I think so often when we do, we set those expectations. Our kids rise to that, you know they really do.

Speaker 3 23:36

Well, I hope we didn't work your brains too hard this week because, as you know, you might have to loan out your frontal lobe today. Just make sure you remember to get them back.

Speaker 1 23:44

Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child or would like to help us, help children by donating. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.