From Grumpy to Great: Helping Your Spouse Unwind After Work

 Today, we're diving into a topic that many families face but few talk about openly: how to help your spouse transition from a grumpy post-work mood to a more positive, relaxed state at home. After a long, stressful day at work, it's common for your partner to bring home some of that tension, which can affect the entire household. We'll explore practical strategies to create a peaceful environment, foster effective communication, and build a supportive routine that helps your spouse unwind and reconnect with the family. Join us as we share expert insights, personal stories, and actionable tips to transform those after-work hours into a time of joy and connection. 
 Have a parenting question you’d like answered on the show? Just like Jenny, you can write to us at podcasts@calfarley.org, and we might feature your question in an upcoming episode!  

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Transcript

Parenting Strategies for Managing Stress

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprock.

Speaker 2 0:31

Welcome everyone. Today we're going to talk about how not to let work stress negatively impact your home life. To do that today, I'm joined by Suzanne Rott.

Speaker 3 0:39

I'm the Vice President of Training and Intervention.

Speaker 4 0:42

Chloe Hewitt. I'm an Assistant Administrator of Residential Programs.

Speaker 5 0:45

Katherine Clay, Director of Clinical Services.

Speaker 2 0:49

All right, so let's kick off with our question of the day, and since we're talking about managing stress today, I thought we would ask you what your favorite way to decompress after a long, hard day of work is.

Speaker 4 0:58

I can go first. So if I get my choice, what I would thoroughly enjoy is a workout, but that doesn't always happen after work. Now, since I have littles, a lot of times my workout comes at 5am and so I would say probably a family walk or playing with my kids, or even just talking to a friend or my sister is my way of decompressing as well.

Speaker 5 1:15

I do not work out. But similarly I find that a phone call with someone that I'm very familiar with, that has at least a little bit of awareness of my work and sharing a little bit of space, either through phone call or face to face conversations, helpful. But I also have small children and so a lot of times it's being outside, it's just being outside in the sunshine playing something my kids want to play, and that's a pretty good boundary of turning work off and home on.

Speaker 3 1:45

So trying to be intentional about that space, I too, like to take a walk, but I also like to read, and so if I have the opportunity to read something probably historical fiction, nothing work related, nothing that I'm expected to retain or learn from then I find that that's a great way to decompress. How about you, josh?

Speaker 2 2:04

I like to go for walks, my wife and I. We live next to a pretty nice park and we take our dogs for a walk around the park and that's usually our way to just kind of talk everything out from the day and get some exercise, all right, so this week we're going to do something a little bit different. A few weeks ago we got an email address for our podcast podcast at carolfarleyorg and we asked if anyone needed any parenting advice that they could email us and we would respond. So today we're going to be responding to our first email. It says Hi there, I've been listening to your podcast for a few months now. I'm reaching out because our family's been having a tough time lately and I'm hoping you can help.

Speaker 2 2:37

I'm a stay-at-home mom and my husband has a really demanding job Lately. When he comes home he's often grumpy and worn out. He hasn't always been this way. He used to be way more relaxed when he was off work, but now his stress follows him home and it's affecting the whole family, including our two boys who are 7 and 11. Our evenings have become pretty tense, with short tempers and just an overall sense of unhappiness that we can't seem to shake Our usually happy and energetic kids have started picking up on his moods and I've noticed they're more irritable and withdrawn. It's really tough to see them affected by all the stress.

Speaker 2 3:06

Do you have any advice to help him unwind after work and get into a better mindset when he gets home? I'd also love to hear some tips on how to talk to our kids about stress and teach them healthy ways to cope. Thank you so much for your help. I really enjoyed the podcast. I'm looking forward to any support you can give us. Jenny H Ames, iowa. Thank you, jenny, for reaching out and we'll do our best to try and help you out today. So let's go ahead and talk about stress and work and stuff. So what would you say are some of the warning signs that a spouse is maybe overwhelmed by stress?

Speaker 4 3:34

I think you see short-temperedness or things are easily agitating them that are small, that normally we would think, hey, why are you upset about that? Just like you would with kids, you see it in us as an adult. My husband at times will want to be on his phone more. So I like to say that he's kind of dissociating or not having a hard time engaging with us. But now that we're asking this, I'm curious what he would say, how I respond to stress and what are my warning signs. Can we get him on the phone?

Speaker 2 3:59

He can email us podcast.

Speaker 5 4:07

That's right. I think stress is stress. It could be work stress, it could be family stress, but I think the way that we see like a spouse or a friend or whoever it may be responding to it could be a variety of different things. I think it's dependent on the person. So, like Chloe said, maybe checking out or being distant, and other people may respond by being overreactive or louder or whatever it may be. But I think if you're noticing anything outside of what typically you see, you have to get curious about it and ask is this about stress? And then I think then you'll actually have some idea where to go with that.

Speaker 2 4:36

So how can a parent's stress affect family dynamics and relationships at home?

Speaker 4 4:41

You know, I think we see it in many ways. I think it can be anger, it can be agitation, easily frustrated isolation. I know, I think we see it in many ways. I think it can be anger, it can be agitation, easily frustrated isolation. I mean, I think you can see all that and I find by myself a lot of times. I recognize that I'm less attuned to my kids at times, that I'm stressed where I'll miss things and then think, how did I miss that? But I think because you're only capable of doing so much, and when you're under stress I think you're less capable of what we normally are.

Speaker 3 5:01

I think kids are very susceptible to picking up on a parent's stress and blaming themselves. And so when children see that their parents are stressed and that may appear that they are dissociated or they're angry or they're frustrated kids easily blame themselves and think that they have something to do with it or they are somehow the cause, and that never has a good outcome.

Speaker 5 5:26

Yeah, I think, for thinking just about how my stress affects my family. Similar to what Chloe said, I become less creative in problem solving. I get more black and white when I'm stressed out and then thinking about like even I mean it could be as simple as like the question what's for dinner feels overwhelming when if I wasn't stressed out, I might have a different experience of what's for dinner, right, and so my capacity is lower. My ability to problem solve, to think critically, to be creative, to solve problems that probably aren't big problems with my kids is another something I would struggle with or have struggled with, and I'm just not as flexible and fun with my kids, generally speaking, if I feel stressed or if I haven't been able to separate work from home.

Speaker 4 6:13

So what might be some signs that your kids are picking up on adult stressors. So the ages of my kids. I think I tend to see more temper tantrums like, or more just fits or outbursts just because I'm like, oh, something's off, like, and they must feel it, and we're having more emotional reactions, but I also think picking up on their cues. I'll share a story. Recently my youngest I was real tired one night and she knows the names of the people I work with and so she said hey, did my partner and my boss? She said did they make you work too hard today, mom?

Speaker 3 6:38

Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 4 6:48

And I said, you know, maybe mommy just worked real hard. And she said, well, maybe tomorrow they won't make you work so hard. And so I think, in saying that that was a hard parenting moment, but I think I take cues from my kids and what she was saying is she knew I was exhausted and I didn't even probably realize I was that tired, and so I think even they pick up on it, like Suzanne was saying, and so I think, yes, they pick up on all of our. So I think even them verbalizing it, I think even them verbalizing it.

Speaker 5 7:02

I think for me, for mine, I think it mirrors a little bit of like me. Like if I am stressed and inflexible or can't problem solve or have a strong emotional reaction to something. That's typically what I see in my kids, because they're watching how I'm handling stress, my oldest will I don't want to say demand, that's not the right word but if I'm not attuned and I am not meeting whatever the need is at the moment, she will make sure it happens and that just how quickly I get it is just dependent on me, because she will escalate so fast that I am forced to come back to earth and meet her need. And so that's one thing. Like if I think, if I notice something that she's doing is out of proportion to what's going on, then I realize like, oh, she's picking up on my stuff, responding or reacting to something I'm not able to give her because I'm overwhelmed or distracted.

Speaker 3 7:49

I think that it's always been interesting how kids are so aware of how we as adults handle stress, and they will mimic how we handle stress. So if we come home and we complain about a boss or a coworker, you're going to see that your kids come home and complain about somebody at daycare or a teacher at school, but they will use the same phrases and words that they've heard you use, and so are you modeling a healthy response for them, or not? Yeah, I think when your kids are older. I think the listener said she had boys who were 7 and 11.

Speaker 4 8:22

Yes, was that accurate?

Speaker 3 8:25

So I think, certainly by the time you have a child who's 11, that it's healthy to say well, something happened today at work that really stressed me out, and here's how I responded. You might also say, and here's how I could have responded.

Speaker 1 8:37

Yeah.

Speaker 3 8:37

Right, you could even pull them into the conversation and say, hey, do you have any ideas about how I could have handled that? Right, because then they start to learn to problem solve. Stressors that will come up in their lives throughout their lives. Right, we don't. We don't get to that next stage of life and suddenly become stress free.

Speaker 3 8:55

Right, it's not like boy, when I graduate high school I won't have any more problems. Or if I just get out of college. Or when I get married, or when I have kids. I mean there are different stressors at every stage of life and so involving your kids in appropriate, healthy conversations about handling stressors can start at a fairly young age, I think too.

Speaker 5 9:16

I mean, if you're like me and really hard on yourself about parenting, I have to give myself grace, knowing that I'm not going to handle it right every time.

Speaker 5 9:24

And if I can handle stress and demonstrate and model stress management well enough times, that's good right. And then the other times like maybe what you're speaking about, suzanne, where I didn't handle it right, then it can be a learning opportunity. There have been plenty of times where my oldest will say I wish I didn't handle it that way, or I wish I didn't do this or do that. And I say to her like mommy has those days too. And then when I do have those days, like you said, I talked to her about it. I was like because we had one of those days this week and I said did you see how mommy struggled? I did not handle that right, and that's kind of like what you said and that you wanted to do better. I just want you to see that everybody needs a redo, everybody needs to try again, everybody can learn from not handling something so well. I just think it can be overwhelming to think that you have to do as an adult or a parent, that you have to do it right every single time.

Speaker 3 10:11

Yeah it's so difficult to do and we're all human Well and maybe even reframing that from doing it right, because the opposite of that is right, to doing it well, yeah. Or could I do it better? Yeah, so that it's not a black and white situation but we can always learn from it.

Speaker 3 10:29

You know, there are a lot of situations out here at Boys Ranch where we would have basically an after action report. So like after a big event out here we have an after action report After a child has some type of an incident, say they get really frustrated and maybe it ends up in a fight. We would have an after action report after a child has some type of an incident, say they get really frustrated and maybe it ends up in a fight. We would have an after action report where we would say, hey, what led up to that? How did you handle it? How did other people around you respond? How could you handle it differently next time? Right, and so that's the same. It's always a learning curve and so, no matter how old you are, how long you've done work like this, you always have more to learn from that.

Speaker 5 11:06

Yeah, so we need after action with our kids.

Speaker 3 11:09

I think we do that's pretty awesome.

Speaker 4 11:12

Yeah, I mean, I think that's we've talked about this in the podcast before but I think what's even powerful about when you do mess up or you don't feel like you did it even the way you wanted, saying that I'm sorry, it's still huge for them because we're also modeling, that, hey, when you mess up later, this is how you make it right. Or also that I'm being vulnerable enough to say to you as your parent that, hey, I was wrong.

Speaker 2 11:33

So how important are having good structure and routine when it comes to managing stress.

Speaker 3 11:38

You know, I think we talk about the importance of that for children all the time, but it's important for us as adults, as well right. Having a structure and routine can take care of a lot of last minute issues that could come up right? So if I know the structure and routine and it's the same every day that takes a lot of effort out of my day-to-day planning, right? So I think that that is critical, not just for children or teens, but also for adults and parents.

Effective Communication in Managing Stress

Speaker 4 12:07

Yeah, I also agree. That's what I said. Even I function the best when I have my week planned out and I know what to do. I recently talked to one of my supervisors who struggles with some organization about how I set my day up is a lot of times my to-do list, before I leave for the day, is written out for what to start that I didn't accomplish today and what he needs, where I need to begin tomorrow, and then you know, I'm fixing to be on vacation. So today it was a full list of everything I wanted to wrap up to put my team in a better spot next week.

Speaker 4 12:33

And so it's just always trying to be organized, because even if I'm not, I'm not going to function best. But if I also don't communicate to others, then they can't function at their best either. And I will say one of the things I was talking I will talk a little bit about my husband is not organized, I would love to say I tell him some things and he remembers. It's usually four or five times, and so a way that we implemented in our house was we have a white board that has our calendar and it updates with everything that we all have going on for the month because and he checks it sometimes- but for the most part he does.

Speaker 4 13:03

And then we keep his schedule because he's a firefighter on the refrigerator, because we are always ever-changing at our house. But that has helped us communicate as a couple, because sometimes we have doctor's appointments and the kids' doctor's appointments and all of the things, and so it just helps us.

Speaker 2 13:19

Yeah, that's how we function too. I'm not sure how we would survive life without our shared calendar.

Speaker 4 13:23

Yes.

Speaker 2 13:24

Because I'm just like that too. I'm not sure how we would survive life without our shared calendar. Because I'm just like that too I forget everything. If it's not on the calendar, then I'm not going to do it. And that stresses my wife out big time.

Speaker 4 13:32

We forgive you. It's just a daily forgiveness.

Speaker 5 13:40

I need all that I can get.

Speaker 1 13:40

When I see that structure and routine.

Speaker 5 13:41

I just think of like regulation, right, like an important element, if not maybe the most important element of programming out here is the fact that there's predictability. In our community, in our day-to-day, we see the same people I'm talking about our residents See the same people. There's just a layer of routine predictability. That in itself is creating the regulation throughout the day and I think if we have structure and routine and that in itself is providing this rhythm that we get to follow every day, we're going to function much better if a hiccup happens or if there is we're pulled in one way or a kid is pulled in another, it's going to create tolerance for that stuff.

Speaker 5 14:15

And I'm thinking like if we have a kid that's got an eight to five like goes to school, has all this stuff going on, but there's rhythm, it's predictable, he knows what's, and then something bad happens at four, he's going to cope much better because he had a day of rhythm, rather than a kid who didn't have a day of rhythm, doesn't have good relationships, is kicked out of school and then that bad thing happens at four. He is not going to cope because there wasn't that set regulation throughout the day. And so the rhythm and the routine, the structure, all just makes me think of that.

Speaker 2 14:43

So what strategies would you recommend for talking to a spouse about bringing stress home?

Speaker 3 14:47

One of the difficult things about being stressed out is that your vision narrows to yourself, and so you can have a husband who's very stressed out, possibly related to all of the demands of work, and a mother who's stressed out, possibly because of work and issues with the children and things at home. And the higher the level of stress, the more disconnected we become from our spouse and the more focused on our own stress we become and we forget to walk through that door and say, hey, I'm glad to see you, how was your day? And sometimes we only say how was your day Because, boy, I can't wait to tell you about how my day really was right, so I need you to hurry up and spit out your little problem so that I can really tell you about my significant problem.

Family Stress Management Strategies

Speaker 3 15:34

That happened, and I think that is normal human behavior, but it sets a very bad habit and it's a bad precedent, and so I think you have to. I think both spouses have to be willing to understand that, regardless of the other spouse's situation, they endure stress too, and that you've got to create space and time for both parties to be able to discuss that and to feel heard about that, that it's never just one person undergoing stress. There's no part about being in a family that is stress-free.

Speaker 5 16:11

Not being in any relationships with people. No, that's what?

Speaker 4 16:14

yeah. So I mean that's what I would say. I think so in the moment when I come home and I know my husband is stressed and I will say that happens quite frequently with his firefighter schedule. Sometimes he's not home for three days straight and so on that example, sometimes him getting back into our routine is difficult for him.

Speaker 4 16:31

And I can tell that it's not even that he's stressed coming home, but that he's trying to like acclimate back to our routine. And so if I come home and I know it's too much or I start to see it is a lot of times I'm like hey, we're going to go for a walk, do you want to go with us? And a lot of times he'll say no and he wants to decompress because he's also been around a bunch of people and he's very much an introvert and so I will go on a walk, take the kids to the park, and then when I come home he seems more at ease and so a lot of times I try to take that cue to help, because he probably feels like, hey, I left you for three days, so now I feel bad, asking for some more time. So I try to pick up on that. I will say, after the kids go down, if I feel like he's been short-tempered or we like I will say, hey, the same that we do with our kids.

Speaker 4 17:12

I noticed this response today Tell me what's up, is there more going on, type of thing. But I try to do it after the kids are down and we can have an honest conversation, which usually I will say I'm more and more impressed by my kids. My oldest recently told him like you got really angry, you got to figure out how to calm down. I think what's cool, is he?

Speaker 3 17:39

said that to his dad.

Speaker 4 17:40

but I think that's what's cool, is that he? So that's what we talked. After the kids went to bed he was like man that hurt, that's done a lot and I said but it's cool that, like, we're also raising them where they can say it, and so I think that is the strategies I implement with our at our house, and I think that you also have to be willing to make that decision to receive that kind of feedback.

Speaker 3 18:02

So you may be listening to this podcast and maybe you're the one that needs to receive that feedback, and it's always hard to hear criticism constructive or otherwise but sometimes we need to be willing to hear that and receive it and be motivated to work on that for the good of our family.

Speaker 4 18:22

Well, and I think so one of the things I had initially thought about sharing, and so one of the we go to a marriage conference every year, not because we have, but just because we care about marriage, and marriage is hard, and so one of the speakers spoke about how they gave it's like little nuggets, and so you have to give two positive nuggets and then a negative feedback, right Like?

Speaker 3 18:39

a sandwich? Yes, yeah.

Speaker 4 18:45

But you're not allowed to respond for a minimum of 30 minutes. So you each give each other this info and then you can't respond for 30 minutes because basically you need to kind of mull over it and because you automatically our nature is to fight back or want to defend it, but also we do do a lot of good things. So it gives you a moment to give your spouse some good things. But something like if something they said hurt you, or something with the kid something, and so that is something I would also say is in those conversations we also talk about other things, but I think that is. None of us love constructive feedback.

Speaker 4 19:10

And so just to remember that that has worked for us.

Speaker 3 19:13

I think also remembering that in the moment of stress is not when you want to say you're stressed out.

Speaker 4 19:19

We really need to talk about this right.

Speaker 3 19:21

You know. So it's like you said you give your husband time to decompress and then later on you go and say, hey, I noticed this, could we talk about it? But being sure that you know, in a moment of stress or if you say, well, you walked through the door really angry, you know that is never an approach that is going to yield good results you know. So you've got to pick your time and your place and enter that conversation with love and the intent to solve a problem, rather than criticism and judgment.

Speaker 5 19:50

Yeah, I was going to say just listening to you guys talk, it sounds like the feedback given is done intentionally, with respect, with respect of timing. It's not like a drive-by where you're giving this feedback and there's no time to even continue to talk through it. There's just like a lot of like, regard and respect and how it's been done. Just from your two examples that I think are really powerful.

Speaker 2 20:11

Are there ways to manage stress while at work or on the way home?

Speaker 3 20:15

You know, I have about a 25-minute commute to and from work and I've always really appreciated that time because it allowed me time to shift my focus. So when my kids were younger and they were at home, I would say, okay, that was the morning shift, right, three girls getting them up, getting them ready for school, lots of hair to be done, where do I leave my shoes, you know that kind of thing. So that was morning shift, and then I had 25 minutes to turn my focus towards work and plan for my day and think about it, and so then I would get to work and that's the second shift. And then I had the drive home. So that was time where I could say, okay, put work behind me and start to focus on the third shift.

Speaker 3 20:51

You know, what kind of things do we have going on tonight? Are there games or track, or is there church, whatever you know? But I could shift, and so I think just having a little bit of space is helpful. Now the other two ladies in this conversation. Well, catherine, you have about a five-minute commute Now.

Speaker 3 21:10

Chloe, you have a longer commute now but, you lived on campus for a while, so has that changed for you, the fact that you've now got a longer commute? Yeah, it's more stressful.

Speaker 4 21:21

Only because I have two toddlers fighting in the back, but they're with you.

Speaker 3 21:23

Yeah, with you.

Speaker 4 21:25

They're with me, but either way, I think, because we automatically which I'm curious, what you would say, catherine you almost turn into mom mode. So I think that is a hard thing for me at times, and so what I kind of think I do helps manage my stress, even when I'm getting off, is a lot of times if I'm frustrated. I believe that community is healing and I think that is truly what Ranch is, and I work with a tremendous amount of people that I feel like I can say, hey, this happened, I'm frustrated about it. Tremendous amount of people that I feel like I can say hey, this happened.

Speaker 4 21:54

I'm frustrated about it. I just needed to say it, there's that and then it's gone. And so a lot of times if I can just do that to someone I trust and care about here, then I don't always take that home. I think there are still times that I won't lie in leadership, where I'm like did I do enough today? Did I make love to listen to music? And my kids love it? I think we both use this strategy that we each pick a song, we all take turns, and that is kind of my break in that element.

Speaker 5 22:22

And I have a couple of counselors that said, who lived on campus, that said I take the drive because the drive is less than five minutes. I take the drive home three times. You know what I mean.

Speaker 5 22:33

So it's a 15 minute commute even out here. And you know I think there's a lot of blessings being living on campus and living close to daycare and school and all those things. There's a lot of great things about it. But you do have to kind of get creative. And my kids get picked up, you know, close to five and my three-year-old every day says can we drive around for a little bit? And whatever the newest music is or the newest whatever that they like, and some of it's the worst music I've ever heard in my life, but we listen to it.

Speaker 5 23:00

My son gets a couple of songs that he picks, I pick a couple of songs and my daughter gets a couple of songs, and by that time they're even ready to move into what's for Dinner or my Friends Outside, and so I haven't really thought too much about that being what we're saying. Like that's our transition, but they made it happen and they even kind of make it happen in the morning too. If we're early or we have an extra five or 10 minutes, we'll do something similar. And they've kind of made that happen, not necessarily me, but for, like, my specific job where I'm meeting either with clinicians or with kids for therapy services.

Speaker 5 23:35

With clinicians or with kids for therapy services, it's almost like I have got to practice some type of stress management closure or like drain off of some sort every session because it can impact if I don't do that, it will likely impact the next client that I'm seeing or the next clinician that I'm working with.

Speaker 5 23:49

And so nearly at the end of every whatever hour, whatever time it is that I'm spending with either a clinician or a counselor, I kind of take a moment to myself and visualize myself. This kind of sounds nerdy, but I'll visualize myself picking up all the papers on my desk, putting them in the folder, or the manila folder for the name of the person I was working with. This is all visualization. Put it in the filing cabinet and I'm done. And then the next person comes in and hey, how are you? We do our thing. And then when they leave, I visualize putting all their stuff away and put it in the filing cabinet because there's just so much, our work is so emotionally draining and our work is hard and our work is wonderful and our work is emotional. All these things that if I don't have like this visualization of, like closing the manila folder, it's really hard to separate it all.

Speaker 5 24:32

And that's kind of how I go from session to session or supervision to supervision, and I think, overall in what everybody has said, it's about the intent, right. I think if we're talking about stress, when I don't notice that I'm stressed or I don't notice that I need something more than what I'm doing for my stress management, that's when it's the worst. It's like the lack of awareness in itself is such a red flag, right. And so I think that we're all, since we're all aware and even this listener is aware that in itself says a ton about ability to make changes, ability to have tough conversations, ability to be intentional, because there's plenty of us running around not even aware how stressed out we are.

Speaker 5 25:10

So, I think that's really powerful. It seems like everybody's really intentional in this group. That's talking about it.

Speaker 3 25:16

Now, Josh, you commute quite a ways every day, about 45 minutes each way. So what are your strategies?

Speaker 2 25:23

We listen to a lot of music. Just like you guys, we listen to books on tape. One of the things we talk about, too, though, is it's a 45 minute drive to town from here, and we kind of have a rule that we can talk about work until we get to a certain spot on the road and there's a certain mile marker on the road that once we hit that we're not allowed to talk about work anymore. Okay, and that's sometimes more successful than others.

Speaker 3 25:44

Because you commute not only with your wife, but with two of your children. Yes, yeah.

Speaker 2 25:47

Yeah, and that provides other issues too, because you kind of have to sometimes talk in code. What strategies would you recommend for the mom who's been at home all day with the kids and is also probably very stressed?

Speaker 4 26:00

So my sister is actually a stay at home mom For the first like couple months I was really trying to get her to join a group or go a gym, just so that she could just have a break, because I think we all need it. And it doesn't mean we love our kids any less, it's just you also just still need a piece of you. So I have a close friend who doesn't love to work out and she no, but I mean I but I still feel like this would qualify for you too.

Speaker 4 26:23

She, so she joined this gym and she goes and walks or sits in the hot tub, but it's literally her time.

Supporting Sustainable Self-Care and Community

Speaker 4 26:29

I can sit in a hot tub. That's what she really utilizes. One of the things it recharges her. My sister joined a mom's group which I don't know if y'all have ever heard of that. I hadn't until my sister joined it and they actually have one here, local, but I think they have them throughout the US. But basically what it is is an opportunity for you guys to pray, do crafts together and do different things and truly they usually offer child care with it and so you can do that, and then you still are interacting with moms and getting some support there, because I again, I feel like community is healing and I think finding a way to still get in and get connected with others will be because we do need a break.

Speaker 5 27:11

I think this just feels like a self-care kind of question. You know, and I am an advocate for sustainable self-care and I think when we, when we believe self-care is getting a massage, going on a vacation, going, you know, getting a babysitter and going out, like that stuff's fantastic and wonderful but typically not so sustainable for moms or families for lots of reasons it takes time, it takes money, whatever it may be, and so I really like to reframe self-care to be sustainable. And so when I'm thinking about the day-to-day for myself, it sounds probably wild, but just simply making the choice to not be inside my house but be in the sunshine and I make that choice many times a day, depending on how long we're home is me making a choice to do something better for myself, right? Because even just the sunshine in itself feels better to me. It makes me feel more awake or more alive or whatever it may be.

Speaker 5 28:03

So small, intentional choices like that are important, and I think too, like taking walks with my kids, where that, well, that's an activity for your kid but it's also an activity for myself, right? And then I think the things that are sustainable are relationships with people, and relationships with moms and relationships with mentors or whatever it may be, and if we can start looking at like these small pieces of self-care rather than kind of getting weighed down with well, I can never get a massage, I never have the time, or whatever it may be and reframe some of that. I think it's really important as we journey through a very what I know to be days are long, you know, when you're home with kids all day.

Speaker 3 28:39

So I think it might be helpful to talk to your spouse about their self-care. You know, in one of those moments, you know it's hard enough to think about how you do that for yourself. But in the example that we're talking about the husband who's working long hours and bringing that stress home, and when is he having an opportunity to decompress or do something? And, chloe, you mentioned, your husband is gone for a period of days before he rejoins the family and then may feel guilty about doing something away from the family, but he needs time to have that battery recharged too. So, you know, purposefully helping your spouse find time and space to do something that you encourage them to do guilt-free.

Speaker 5 29:21

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, curiosity is so powerful, right, like for the listener. I don't remember if it said how long this family stress has been going on, but, like you know, is there conversation about. Two months ago it seemed like things were okay and now you seem super stressed out. Tell me more about that, because, who knows, something massive might have happened at work and he wants to hold it and keep it and maybe it's a stressor. He doesn't want to stress her out more, whatever it may be, and I just think that curiosity around the shift is probably important.

Speaker 2 29:49

So how can parents model healthy stress management for their children?

Speaker 4 29:53

I mean, I think Suzanne talked about this earlier, talking about speaking it, and so I think it's always great to be honest with your kids, even at our age I feel like five and three and my son is almost six but I try to still say, hey, this is what helps mommy, and we talk openly about what makes you happy.

Speaker 4 30:10

This is what makes mom happy, and a lot of times that does help me be less stressed when we do things we enjoy, like self-care. But my husband laughs at me because I do. I work out. If I don't go to our gym, then I have a gym set up in our garage which I've always had, even wherever we live had equipment, and so I was laughing because my kids tend to crawl underneath me while I'm doing push-ups or burpees all over me me while I'm doing pushups or burpees are all over me, and they now get the three pound weights and they do it with me. But what I am grateful for is that they watch their mom and, though they might not realize, that's my stress management, but they are seeing like that I do care about health and what those, and so I think as they get older, we can have these honest conversations about why.

Speaker 5 30:46

I think the message about stress can be just like a naturally negative connotation about stress, when stress is not bad.

Speaker 5 30:54

Stress in an unpredictable, chaotic way is bad and leads to difficulty. But stress that's tolerable and predictable will lead to resilience and I think what we are probably experiencing with our kids is probably the type of stress that's good, right. So, like, there's been plenty of times with my kids and kids that live out here that you see experience a stressor and then they lean on a parent or a friend or they problem solve or they look at their community for resources and then they come out on the other end of the stressor stronger, wiser, happier, feeling empowered, whatever it may be, and that's kind of the stress, or the stress and the way to manage stress that I would want to model for my kids. You know, I think if we were to take stress out of the equation, we'd have a lot of kids that had no resiliency and that's not ideal, right. Like kids have to experience stress and have skillset to get through it, and I think that's our job right now is to model how to do that. That's good, that was real good.

Speaker 2 31:52

How can resources like family, friends or the church help prevent becoming overwhelmed by stress?

Navigating Stress Management Through Relationships

Speaker 4 31:57

I mean I think I said that I do believe I mean community, community, community. I feel very blessed. I have people joke all the time. I have so many different friend groups but I think it's very important to also just support by family and friends and I love my church immensely and I'm thankful every day for it and I think it gives me community and love and it can give you that Feel that way about friends. True friends will tell you when they think you're too stressed and they should, but also they want to talk about how to help you through it and then, yeah, I think all of that can being able to give you a pulse by friends and family is huge.

Speaker 3 32:26

We talk a lot about brain science here on our campus and how a child brain developed and you know, children learn to regulate their nervous system through being regulated by their parents right.

Speaker 3 32:38

And so you think about when an infant cries we don't say to that infant well, calm yourself down, right. We pick that child up and we snuggle them close and we rock them and we maybe sing to them and we pat their back, and so all of that is a way to help them learn to manage their stress. So it starts really from conception forward, but certainly after a child is born, and so stress management is learned in the context of relationship from birth forward, and so it doesn't, you know, it doesn't end now. At this point I don't pick up a 16-year-old and pat, hammer her on the back, but my present, the way I interact with that person, the relationship we have, the conversation that we have, all of that helps calm that 16-year-old's central nervous system.

Speaker 3 33:27

It helps them regulate, and so anything in the context of relationship is so important. We start out helping a child regulate. We are regulating them and eventually they're able to regulate their self and then help regulate others.

Speaker 5 33:42

Yes, one thing I'm thinking about this question is in regard to stress kind of being. I don't know if this is the right way to say it, but stress can be a little bit deceiving, right Like under stress, like Suzanne said, we get very narrow, we think about our experience, we're at the tip of our nose all the time and I think that it's deceiving in that it makes us feel like, well, this is just mine, like why is this mine? Why am I stressed out? Why did I have this happen in my world? Why is my spouse stressed out, whatever it may be?

Speaker 5 34:10

And then, when you take it to loving, trusting, authentic family friends and church members and they're like me too, I'm so stressed out or work is hard or whatever it just opens up this whole world of being seen, being known, not being alone in these seasons of life that are really difficult. And I think you know, having good, trusting, loving family friends, whether it's from church or otherwise, and being a feeling safe enough to share what's authentic and true in your world, whether that's stress or whatever, it really kind of helps you realize that you're not the only one doing it and dealing with it, and then you can learn from other people too, or at least someone can sit with you during this space and time where you're struggling.

Speaker 2 34:50

One thing I've found over the years is I'm not really very good at asking people for help, but I've had a lot of family members and friends just kind of show up and be like, hey, can we take the kids for a little bit? And I don't know. Just them coming up and doing that's always been just such a lifesaver. So, I would recommend to listeners if you see a family member or friend, that's, you know, maybe stressed out go and just show up and maybe do something for them or help them out, because they're probably not going to be bold enough to ask you a lot of times.

Speaker 2 35:16

What strategies would you recommend to help kids manage their stress?

Speaker 3 35:19

Well, I definitely think anything you do in the context of relationship is helpful, but one of the things that we say often here at Boys Ranch is that repetitive, rhythmic, patterned activity helps to regulate a brain, and so if you think about any physical activity you engage in that fits those three criteria, that could be bouncing a ball or taking a walk or listening to music, playing Just Dance on the Wii or right, and any of those things are good stress managers.

Speaker 5 35:50

And I think too, like this age kids you know like they're, they don't know yet Right. So, like some of it's explorative and, I think, doing it alongside a parent or a loved one or a mentor, whatever it may be where you're trying to figure out, does this help, does this not help? Does it help for me to listen to music? Does it help for me to listen to this type of music? And I think that that's something that you do in a loving relationship with a caregiver and loving relationship with a caregiver, and that eventually you know when they're stressed out and maybe the caregiver is not there or they're at school or whatever. They've got like a little toolbox where they're like well, I did this with mom or I did this with dad or whatever, and jumping up and down 10 times helped or whatever it may be. But this is kind of a time to explore that and I think that could be young ones and even, you know, adolescents, because that stuff can change over time.

Speaker 4 36:30

But I think you know and I put like talking through their emotions. We've already talked about that, but I think, just opening that open dialogue about a lot of people and we use it here we talk about highs and lows with the kids, and so what was the best part of your day, what was the hard part of your day? Doing some of that so that you get a pulse on if they are stressed, that they're already having an, so at times they are stressed. Maybe they will be more open dialogue for it. Getting outside is a huge one, I think. Even if my kids are struggling, just I'm like we're going to go outside for a hot minute and see if that helps us, but knowing what makes them happy.

Speaker 4 37:03

And for me it's also knowing when to say no to activities.

Speaker 4 37:04

So I struggle with and most people that know me, I do a lot on the praise team going to church on Wednesdays. We have so many Layton's in soccer, and so it's just one thing or the other. And so now it's like I have to say no sometimes because that's also what's best for my kids or me or our family unit, and so I've had to adapt to some of that, because me realizing them being involved in something every night is also just too stressful and messes our routine up when you're teaching them boundaries.

Speaker 5 37:28

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 37:29

I don't know if I've mentioned this in a previous podcast, but I raised three girls and there were times they would come home from middle school especially really frustrated, and even after talking it didn't seem like the stress was dissipating, and I would say bubble bath therapy right, go get in the bubble bath. I don't want to take a bath, you're taking a bath, right. And so I would go and run this big, fluffy bubble bath, you know, and while they were getting in the tub, I would go and prepare a tray of whatever I could find right.

Speaker 3 37:57

So you know, I'd pour something to drink in a fancy glass and I'd, you know, put some grapes and crackers on a plate or whatever, again, whatever was in the fridge. But then I would go in and I would serve them, you know, and maybe turn on some music. And so, invariably, I don't think it ever failed me that by the end of that bubble bath they felt better. So it was just a stress and a diversion, and again it wasn't. Do you want to take a bubble bath? Because the answer would have been no. That's when the mommy voice came out.

Importance of Seeking Professional Help

Speaker 1 38:25

You're taking a bath right.

Speaker 5 38:26

We call those fun baths in my house, Like I think it's time for a fun bath.

Speaker 4 38:31

Yeah, that's what I've joked and made a joke in the last patent class, but didn't explain it. It was called when all else fails, I do a popsicle bath. So, basically on days that things are super stressful and I can't calm them down, I'm like you want a popsicle in the bath.

Speaker 5 38:43

You know, and I think we think that's like there are so many layers of intervention there that, to you know what I mean, like just the fact that you're in water, the pressure of the water on your body, the temperature of the water, the smell of the bubble bath, all these things it's just incredible and I think we're like, well, just put them in the bath. Well, that is just brilliant, the level of it, the layers of intervention, and that one thing that anybody can do is just incredible to me and it works.

Speaker 5 39:11

Yeah, it's the care and the relationship and I see you, I see you struggling, yeah, and you know so often kids can't verbalize their stress.

Speaker 3 39:19

So when we recognize it in them, we can identify it for them, but then also again give options for ways to handle that stress.

Speaker 5 39:27

But to be able to recognize it in somebody else, I mean, you kind of have to be able to recognize it in yourself and then do something about that, and that is hard.

Speaker 3 39:36

Okay, so thanks for calling me out, but I'm probably not as good as giving myself bubble bath therapy as I am, but you get what I'm saying, right? That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 5 39:44

I miss it.

Speaker 3 39:45

If.

Speaker 5 39:45

I'm stressed out. I miss it every time.

Speaker 3 39:47

If.

Speaker 5 39:47

I'm not attuned to my own, I miss it every time and that's what I was saying before my daughter. She'll make sure I get it Like she'll keep going, she's aware. Like you're not getting it, I'll just make this crazier Right and so just thinking about that, like I know, I've probably missed some times where we needed fun baths and just it's a lot of self, like managing of self too, yeah, which is so hard. It's so hard. Josh has got a new idea for the weekend.

Speaker 3 40:14

I don't know the bubbles too.

Speaker 4 40:15

Yeah, no, I will say there are bubbles in ours too, but it works. I'm like, let me go get every Godzilla toy or every like princess. They're all in there.

Speaker 2 40:23

So when would you recommend that a family seek professional services?

Speaker 4 40:27

You know I will be honest, I don't always. I don't see it as a negative connotation. So I said for me, I think it's sometimes okay to be proactive. If you feel like it's enough or you feel overwhelmed, seek it Like I think, even if they if you go for a month or two and get some skills and then it worked great, like um, so that's kind of what, and that might not be the right answer. I just think sometimes there are times in life where you're struggling and maybe getting an outside perspective isn't a bad thing, but that's kind of what.

Speaker 5 40:56

Well, and I think there's like, if you think about professional services, that's a massive spectrum right, it is yeah.

Speaker 5 41:01

Are we talking about me as the caregiver, me as the spouse, me as the parent and my spouse going and getting some skills for our relationship so that we're managing stress, so the stress doesn't bleed into the family? Or are we talking about this is like family therapy? Are we talking about do I as the receiver of all this stress, whatever it may be? I mean, there's just a spectrum and so I think you have to really kind of narrow down what. What the need is right, like it could be that maybe, maybe I have.

Speaker 5 41:29

I'm thinking about myself, but I'm pretty sensitive to stress and I've grown it in this quite a bit. But if I knew that my spouse was experiencing a typical amount of stress and I was just very sensitive to stress and chaos or whatever it may be, that might be mine to work out, right, because my spouse has a stressful job and he's doing a great job managing it. It's just I have an incredible sensitivity, right, that's mine. But if it's different, then I think you just have to look at the whole picture, because you need to make sure you're targeting where the intervention needs to be, and maybe it is the intervention or the professional services is to expand your community, yeah, and kind of reach out to services within the church or, like you were saying, groups in the church or mom's groups or whatever. I think it's just a massive spectrum. I agree, I think too.

Speaker 3 42:12

If you feel the need for outside help and you have a spouse who refuses to go, go anyway.

Speaker 4 42:17

Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 3 42:19

Because I think that's fairly common, where one member of the marriage doesn't want to go. So go for yourself anyway. You'll be amazed at the insight that you receive and the skills that you may learn. That may be beneficial Even if you think the spouse is the problem. Right. You go for yourself. Anytime that you are concerned that your kids aren't managing things well and you've tried everything you know seek professional help. Again, that is to be encouraged and applauded If you can say I don't have the skills to manage this on my own.

Speaker 3 42:53

I need someone else's insight or discernment. Well done for you. And I think that then in our culture we move more towards the acceptance of therapy. Every day I think it's more and more acceptable, and so, again, I think it's to be applauded and encouraged.

Speaker 4 43:11

Well, I think one of the things that Catherine has said in a previous one is talking about our relationship with the people who are our kids' teachers and how powerful it is.

Speaker 4 43:20

So and I've said this before too you see things in your kids that you don't always love about yourself.

Speaker 4 43:23

So my son struggles with change and transition, like I do very much so, and so we're coming up on him starting kinder and he has been struggling the past couple of weeks and different than I actually would have expected. But in that every time I've seen him struggle or we've had a transition, I've always been like talking to his teacher, and so it's like, hey, and they're like, hey, we don't see it. I said, great, I'm so glad you don't see it. I also want you to be aware of what he's doing, what's occurring at home, so that you do understand if he has a moment that this is what he's having to deal with or this is what we're seeing, and so and they do vice versa for us, and so I think that that's also seeking professional in some ways, because you're also trying to staff with your kids, teacher, and so I think that that's one of the things you said that I think is beautiful about working with the kids teachers.

Speaker 5 44:06

I've had just a moment, like in my world, of kind of reframing teachers, teachers and other other people who play a caregiving role or a parenting role for my kids, right, and I thought about the same thing with teachers, like how much time is spent there and how much influence and different perspective, different skill set, their educators, like all these different things, and really looking at that like a resource and I think I always have looked at it as a resource, but like a partner, I think, and changing my I don't even I don't even know what I, what I thought before, but necessarily, but just changing the word I give that, you know, like as a partner, rather than that's my child's teacher, now that's a partner in her growth or her learning or her whatever, and that was really helpful for me just thinking about stuff like that, because they spend so much time.

Speaker 5 44:49

So much time yeah, so that relationship's vital.

Speaker 2 44:52

All right. Do you all have any other advice for Jenny and her situation before we finish up today?

Speaker 5 44:56

All right, Do you all have any other advice for Jenny and her situation before we finish up today? I think the fact that there's awareness, there's curiosity, even the reaching out in this way, is really powerful and I just encourage her to continue on the journey and continue with the awareness and the honesty, and it sounds like she really cares for her family.

Speaker 4 45:12

I think it's really neat to even ask and I think before we started this I was laughing, catherine was laughing. I think this is a very vulnerable thing and, I'll be honest, it was vulnerable for me to talk about the things, because I don't always get it right and we as a family unit sometimes struggle with stress, and so I just think it's really neat that you step out there, but not only just for you. Learning this could touch somebody else's life that we don't know about Well.

Speaker 2 45:34

thank you, jenny, for writing in, and I would encourage any of our other listeners to write in with questions of your own. The email address is podcasts at calfarleyorg. I'll leave a link in the description of the episode. Also, if you haven't already, please follow and subscribe to the show and leave us a five-star review. I hope we didn't bring any extra stress to your brains this week because, as you know, you extra stress to your brains this week because, as you know, you might have to loan out your front of loves today. Just make sure you remember and get them back thank you for listening to brain-based parenting.

Speaker 1 46:02

We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about cal farley's boys ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.