Balancing Rules and Relationships: Building Resilience through Nurturing Relationships

Have you ever wondered how to perfectly balance nurturing your child while maintaining a structured home environment? This episode of Brain-Based Parenting promises to unravel the art of this delicate balance, From the comforting hugs needed by toddlers during meltdowns to the supportive presence required by school-aged children, we discuss creating a loving environment that meets each child's unique needs.

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Transcript

Parenting and Nurturing Through Different Ages

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.

Speaker 2 0:30

Welcome back. Today we're going to continue our series on how to implement structured nurture in your home by talking about how to foster a nurturing environment.

Speaker 3 0:38

To do that today, I'm joined by Suzanne Wright, Vice President of Training and Intervention.

Speaker 4 0:43

Sam Serna, Assistant Administrator of Residential Programs.

Speaker 5 0:46

Chloe Hewitt, Youth Program Administrator.

Speaker 2 0:49

I also thought it might be interesting if you all would share you know how long you've worked at Boys Ranch and how many kids you have.

Speaker 3 0:55

I'll go first. I think I've been here longest. I have been here 24 years and I have three grown daughters that range in age from 21 to 29.

Speaker 4 1:04

I've been here 18 years years and I have two kids a boy and a girl, and I have two grandsons.

Speaker 5 1:13

I've been here 10 years and I have a six-year-old son and a three-year-old daughter.

Speaker 2 1:15

How about you, Josh? I've been here 19 years and I have twin 17-year-olds and a 15-year-old.

Speaker 3 1:21

And we've all survived so far.

Speaker 2 1:23

So far. Let's go ahead and jump into our question of the day. You know, you always hear people say nature versus nurture, and since we're talking about nurture today, I would thought, maybe on a scale of one to 10, how do you feel about going out into nature?

Speaker 3 1:36

For about a week now here in Texas it's been over 100 degrees where we live, so I would give currently being out in nature a zero out of 10.

Speaker 4 1:49

As a general rule, I think. For me it just depends on how long I'm going to be in nature. I don't mind going outside taking a walk. I don't really like camping that much. I'm probably a five out of 10.

Speaker 5 1:57

I would say probably a six. I like to go for walks and even if it's hot it still gets my kids out. So I do like to get out and I love still to this day. One of my favorite places is where I went to church camp in New Mexico. But what I don't like is I have went on a couple of backpacking trips with our kids and I realized very early on I am not made to be out there for several days. So I would not say it's a 10 for sure.

Speaker 2 2:25

So I've said several times on the podcast before that I want to be on the show Survivor. So you would think that I would be like a 10, but probably more like a six or a seven. I'm kind of like you guys. I being out there for a little bit is okay, but I don't like bugs and sometimes scared of the dark.

Speaker 4 2:36

So, yeah, six or seven I think it'd be for me, yeah, when you we look at a postcard or a website, they don't show you the giant mosquitoes and bugs you're going to deal with.

Speaker 2 2:45

All right. So today we're going to talk about nurture.

Speaker 5 2:48

So when we say nurture- what are we exactly talking about? You know, when I think of nurture, I think to care for someone or to love on someone. So I guess that is what it means to me.

Speaker 4 2:58

I think of plants when I think of nurture, like cultivating, you know, giving it everything it needs to survive and to grow and to be healthy.

Speaker 3 3:10

I think that it's providing what a child needs, but doing so in a loving, caring way rather than just a mechanical. Your needs are met. Check the box, I'm done.

Speaker 2 3:14

So I'm guessing all that looks different at different ages. So let's talk about what nurture looks like for kids. Let's start with age two to four.

Speaker 3 3:25

Everyone just looked at me because I've got a three-year-old.

Speaker 5 3:27

You know, for her it's in, in, even when my son was that age. It's very much a hey, let me help, let me care, or even if they are dysregulated and having a temper tantrum, it's even just me holding them and rocking, like it's not even like me trying to hey, please stop. It's not that that's. You know, you're losing it right now. It's more of just hey, let's calm down and let's nurture, and then talk about what's going on. So that's a lot of times when she's having a hard time, that's what it looks like. But it's also just meeting her needs and so for her I talked about that before my daughter loves to just snuggle at the end of the night and my son wants to read, and so their nurture looks differently, and so it's meeting that need for her that I might snuggle with her for 10 minutes, even though there's dishes in the sink and there's laundry that needs done and I want to read my book.

Speaker 5 4:07

But I so trying to do. That's what I would say with her and her age.

Speaker 2 4:11

Okay, what about ages five to 10?

Speaker 4 4:13

Well, when my grandsons live with me, that's the most recent experience I've had with five five-year-olds especially I around you. But they go explore more, which means they take a little more bumps and bruises when they fall, and I think one of the things that I noticed was, you know, having to show that care and concern and take care of the boo-boo. You know things like that that they need, just so they know that we're going to be there and that it's okay.

Speaker 5 4:37

Yeah, I love that. You know, recently my son just started kindergarten and so he gets home and he's very exhausted and so I usually just like say, hey, you can watch a show. But yesterday when he got home I was like hey, and I just came over and put a blanket on him and he immediately said thanks, mom, I love you so much. And I thought like it wasn't like he wanted me right by his side, but he definitely wanted some care, and so that's kind of how it was, like an independent care that I showed. Or even he loves to ride his bike on our driveway and it's just he wants me out there. He doesn't want me to do it with him, he doesn't want, but as long as I'm outside, sitting on the porch with him.

Speaker 5 5:08

So it might look very different, there's a little bit more independence with him, but I'm still showing a level of care because I'm not just hey, I'm going to be inside the whole time you're doing it, I'm still trying to be out here, that way, if you do fall. Recently he fell off his bike and he scraped his leg and I said do you want to go home and get a bandaid when we get home? Yeah, but I'm okay, mom, I can make it, and so it. Just he's starting to get, so it looks a little different. I think with this age they want their independence, but they definitely want to know you're there.

Speaker 4 5:34

And also notice that this is'm like oh, where did he learn that? He learned that from us.

Speaker 5 5:37

Yes, it's my favorite thing when you start to see them show you nurture. It's very kind, or I've talked about this before. If I'm frustrated then they'll try to decode me because they've seen me do it to them and so it's just cool to watch them do some mirror back the behavior.

Speaker 2 6:00

So what about 11 to 15? What does nurture look like for that age group?

Speaker 3 6:04

I think this is a harder age. I always think about middle school kids and where they're really, and our first response is what in the world are you thinking, or what are you doing, or why would you wear that? But just providing that consistent, nurturing Parenting is important. Even when we're frustrated by their behavior or we don't understand what their experimentation is, they try to figure out who they are, what friend group is important to them. Just that we are still there, we're still making sure their needs are met. But it does look even more different at this age. I think it requires more flexibility on the part of the parent at this age than maybe we've had to exert before.

Speaker 5 7:01

And I think that's so true. Like, a lot of times it's like you're just trying not to judge because it's the parent you want to like give feedback. And so it's so easy to be like, oh, don't do that or do this. And so I catch myself, even with my kids, like trying to take a step back and be like I wonder what that was about. Or if they are like talking about a situation between friends, being like um, that's interesting that they responded that way. How come you think they responded that way? Like trying to get them to gain some insight into it, which I think is really good for this age, because they're way more emotional. We know they're in their emotional brain, and so trying to get them to have some thought process about it, and then even like, do you think that it could have been handled differently and how would you have went about it? Just starting to get them some of that critical thinking I think is beautiful with this age.

Speaker 3 7:40

I think this is a great time to intentionally teach, nurture. So it's wonderful when your kids, on their own, see that you have a need. You're cold, let me bring you a blanket, but this is a great time for us to say where are places that we could help others? Could we do something kind for a neighbor? Could we volunteer to do something at church? Is there some kind of community service that we could provide and start to instill in them that that's important that we nurture, provide and start to instill in them that that's important that we nurture and give back to others.

Speaker 2 8:07

That's actually so interesting. Several years ago we had a home here on the ranch and it was a home of this age group 11 to 15 year old girls and the house parents there decided they were going to take them to an assisted living home and at first the girls were like, no, we're not going to do this, and they were like real grumpy about it. But they stuck with it and did it and then after a while they ended up really really enjoying it and looking forward to it and it was just such a good thing for them to not only get care from other people but then to actually give care and nurture others, and I loved how that kind of played out.

Speaker 5 8:39

I think that's even beneficial with having them help with younger kids. I think that's one of the things that has been nice at times when I was working with some of our older youth is to put them around my kids and see. They not only see how I interact with my kids, but a lot of times they even have more patience than I would. Right, because they're my kids. I'm like, oh, I want them to act well, right, we do, and so, but they would just them breaks. I never noticed them get frustrated at my kids, and so I think it's interesting that they would model some nurture with even my kids.

Speaker 2 9:08

So what does nurture look like then for kids age 16 to 18?

Building Relationships Through Nurturing and Boundaries

Speaker 3 9:12

I think kids at this stage can be very independent, especially if they have a job or they're involved in a lot of school activities, and sometimes nurture is just helping them make sure they have everything they need to go to those activities. Right, like, what could I do? That would be helpful. At that age my kids were doing their own laundry, but if they were busy I'll go throw in a load of laundry for them. Right? They got home late. I don't mind going to put gas in their car so that they can get up and leave early the next morning. So it does look different and it's. You know they have capacity to do that. I want them to be responsible to do those things. But helping out sometimes is just another way to show nurturing care for them.

Speaker 5 9:53

I also think showing up.

Speaker 5 9:55

I think what we mistake a lot of the times is our teenagers are teenagers and that they don't want us there or that we're going to make them uncool.

Speaker 5 10:02

But I can tell you from I think my parents missed a lot of activities for me. They were busy and I, to this day, me and my husband worked very hard to be at everything for the kids, because I think showing up is still important, no matter what age. Even now, if my dad was to come to one of my trainings, I would be thrilled to watch me. So I think it's important that you just show up and are present at whatever activities or school function they have. But I also think it's important that when they make mistakes because they do, and they make some pretty big ones at this age that you just say hey, yeah, I still love you, no matter what. I tell my kids every night before they go to bed is there anything in this world that could make mommy not love you? And they say no, and I said that's right, Mommy will always love you, and so we still need to know that, even as we're an adult and as they're teenagers, they need to know that, even though they mess up that we're there.

Speaker 4 10:44

I like that.

Speaker 4 10:45

You said that because you know I remember, specifically around 17, something happened and my mom defended me.

Speaker 4 10:51

I mean it was, yeah, I think I lost my cool, to be fair, and you know, I'm learning how to respond to adults, which I generally did, but when the adult didn't respond well to me, I didn't respond well because I was overall a good kid.

Speaker 4 11:01

I thought my mom went to bat for me and I'll never forget that. I mean she said hey, you just can't, you shouldn't, talk to a young man that way. And you know she was saying trying to defend me about what happened and I'll and I never forget that. And then it reminded me that, hey, you know, even though I think I'm an adult or I think that I know everything going on, I don't know how to navigate the world really or how I should have maybe responded better. So she didn't just talk to them, she also talked to me about hey, son, this is a time where you maybe should have kept your cool or called me. I really I'll never forget that and I think that's something parents should remember. So they do remember the things you do and if they don't, ask for your help, yeah, I had the same thing kind of happened.

Speaker 2 11:35

I was 18, getting ready to go to college. I was all by myself at this school, three hours away from home, and I had a panic attack and called my mom and she ended up driving three hours to come. You know, help me through that, navigate that. And I, like you, sam, I've never forgotten that, that she dropped everything and I thought I was this big bad, you know, 18 year old that could handle the world. But no, she showed up and helped me out through it.

Speaker 3 12:02

Moms are great.

Speaker 2 12:05

So why is nurturing so critical to a child's emotional and psychological development?

Speaker 5 12:10

I mean, I think it's so important because the child can't. Obviously there's times, especially when they're young, they can't meet their own emotional and psychological needs, and so we have to help them. But I think even as in that way, once they grow up they can start to learn how to meet their own needs, and then maybe they can even help other people do that, and so it's so important that we can give them care and love.

Speaker 4 12:35

So that, that a way they can maybe loan their brain out and help somebody else. Well, people are meant to be social and I think all these things that's what helps to create that healthy social environment how to act, how to respond to the environment around you, and that's all taught through that nurturing. It helps the child feel safe, right, that the world is a safe place, and that's all taught through that nurturing. And it helps the child feel safe, right, that the world is a safe place. And then we talk about those things a lot. And who's the people that teaches that and cultivates that is the family unit, the parents.

Speaker 3 12:59

You know, we're created in the image of God to be in relationship with each other. It's not intended that we are loners going through life without any support or interaction with other people, and so the first place you learn about relationship is that parent-child interaction, and that sets the foundation for all your future relationships with people. And so ensuring that a child is nurtured, that they know they're loved, that they know they're cared for from birth forward sets that foundation for all future relationships with spouses or children or friends or co-workers. It's just, it's critical.

Speaker 2 13:37

So how can parents provide this nurture without it becoming too permissive?

Speaker 3 13:41

You know, we talked last week about nurture within the context of structure, and so we've discussed how important structure is, and I think we mentioned last week that you have to gauge where you are on that continuum of nurture and structure. And when you see that you may be becoming too permissive, you're going to notice that because your kids become dysregulated, they're overly tired, they can't manage what seem to be simple frustrations, you will notice that you are also becoming tired and frustrated, and so those are some clues, but that's when you have to realize you need to bring back some of the structure.

Speaker 5 14:23

I think it's so easy to do, especially if you know you lie more on the nurture side, and so I think the way you also do it is set boundaries and that structure. So it's both. I think you have a schedule, you know what the schedule is going to look like, but you also can say, hey, due to your behavior, we're not going to have this tonight, or we're not, or we're going to have to have these options as our like, and so you know, for us at home a lot of times it might look like we might not do TV time, which that my kids love. What kid? All of us love some aspect of TV, but it's not actually hurting them to lose that privilege. In fact we replace it with a relational hey, tonight you and mom are going to do Legos or so, basically, which sometimes might even be a better solution, right, if they're dysregulated and need they might need more one-on-one. So a lot of times it's still setting that boundary of, but I'm showing a level of care with that boundary.

Speaker 4 15:10

Well, exactly, and I think that people grow through you stress, right, you know there's sometimes that things are going to happen, maybe you're not there and they've gone through this stressful event, you know. Or, like Chloe just said, providing the boundaries, it does create an amount of stress for a kid when you say no, or when you say hey, this is the limit of where you're going to ride your bike, or this is how late you get to stay out, or whatever it is, depending on the age, right, you, it's the parents job to formulate the boundary, right, and when they break it, it's going to create a little bit of stress. Right, it's a little bit of e-stress, which what do we know about e-stress? Right, healthy stress helps people grow and that creates what do you gave?

Speaker 3 15:42

you know where you didn't handle a situation perfectly, but your mom stepped in and not only confronted the adult in an appropriate way, but then later on had that conversation with you, so she could have confronted the adult and then said don't ever talk to my perfect son that way, and not followed up. So she nurtured you in that situation, but she was not too permissive Exactly Right. And so that's a great example of her being nurturing to you, but also holding you accountable and giving you instruction on how you could handle a similar situation better in the future.

Speaker 5 16:21

I will say my dad was great at this growing up. He always set me down after any issue and would say how could you have done it differently? And there are times that it frustrated me to the end just because I thought I felt like I handled it well, dad, and he would be like, yes, you did. But if we're looking at it now and I think I've carried that into some of my leadership, like even now, like looking at, hey, what could I have done, handled differently, and tried to implement that some with the supervisors. It's not easy to do because we all want to handle it well and so, but I think it's great. I think that you can always be challenged on how to change your thinking.

Speaker 3 16:52

Yeah, and the intent is not to be critical that you handled it poorly. But if you are constantly learning how to do it better, you learn by reviewing how you handled it in the past and what you could do differently that might make this situation better in the future.

Speaker 5 17:06

Right, and that's like. That's how we all learn and grow. And I mean think about the people you respect the most. Is it someone that's even friendships, or spouse, like your spouse? You have the most intimate relationship with your spouse, but don't you want to be in a relationship where that person can say, hey, you hurt my feelings here, how do we work through it next time? Right, and I think that I think it is valuable to have someone that can give you feedback, because my most treasured relationships are the honest ones that can say how I could have improved our situation.

Speaker 2 17:31

So what are some practical ways parents can show love and affection to their children on a daily basis?

Speaker 3 17:36

I think we start off with by meeting their basic needs making sure that a meal is available, making sure that snacks are available, and again, you balance that with what age are they at a certain age, you know, if my child is in kindergarten I'm packing their lunch and as they get a little older, I'm overseeing them pack their own lunch, you know. But we're making sure needs are met. Do they have clothes for school and are their clothes clean? How are they getting to and from school and are we ensuring that they feel safe on that route? Or however that happens, I think you just you start off with practical application of meeting needs.

Speaker 5 18:12

Yeah, I mean, I think it's simple things like that, like packing their lunch. I recently my husband made fun of me Viewers might make fun of me but I bought little notes to put in my son's lunchbox, but he can't read yet. I mean he's kinder and so he. But I forgot Friday. I guess I got busy and I forgot his note. And so he came home Friday night and said mom, my card wasn't in there.

Speaker 5 18:33

But I thought it was cool because he can't read it and I don't think like obviously they're busy. So I don't know if anybody reads it to him, but he no-transcript them in the car, in the, in my purse. They're kind of all over the place always and then kind of what I was talking about earlier. Sometimes it's just that I might want to have some me time. My me time is usually at 10 o'clock at night, but I try very hard to go sit and play with them each 10 minutes a day, because even just giving some presents without a phone and they get my undivided attention, or to tell me a story or all of that I think are simple ways that you can show love and care.

Speaker 4 19:22

Yeah, I'm very huggy, I like to hug. So my kids got lots of hugs and my wife gets lots of hugs and I think that's how I show a lot of love. I do random acts of kindness and, you know, even today I'll send my daughter a text with a blue heart. That's just our, our thing. You know, I had a thing with every kid. You know, like there's a little something that makes them special to me, something that we share. Even when I was a, I was a house parent for a while here at boys ranch and you know you just do these random things with kids that show them you care and they really they remember those small things. I used to make maltameo and then, like, make their name when I'd pour it up, you know, I I would make a, their first initial or something.

Speaker 4 19:54

And the kids they even call and say mr serena, how do you make, how did you used to make this or how did you used to do that? And they try to, they're trying to do our, our values and traditions, that we did little fun things that mean nothing to me, mean everything to them, you know, and they'll they'll never forget those things.

Speaker 5 20:08

It's funny that you said that's what I think it is, the small stuff so like even in its front loading. I know we talked about front loading a ton on this podcast, but so today I'm not picking my kids up and I said specifically who would be getting them today. Hey, gigi's going to get you and let's put your stuffy in the car. So when she picks you up, your stuffy's in the car and just so that way they do feel love and care, even though I'm not there, they know that mom still made like somewhat of an effort with them today and so they. But they know what to expect and I think us as adults want that and I think kids want that too. So I think that also shows love and affection. When we can't be there, how to implement ways we could still be present.

Speaker 3 20:42

Yeah, your stories are making me think about a lot of things I did over the years, you know, when my girls I'd put the notes in the lunchbox too or cut the sandwich in a cute shape, or you know. And my youngest daughter works in a really high paced environment, fast paced environment, and she's also in college. But she calls me almost every single day at lunch to let me know what's going on right, to vent over what happened in the morning. You know like how busy things were. Where it's just she's very much an external processor, so she needs to talk through that. But I also find myself looking at the clock waiting for that phone call and that connection. So I don't think you grow out of that.

Speaker 2 21:21

So how can parents help build their child's self-esteem and confidence through these nurturing behaviors?

Speaker 5 21:26

You know I love the movie the Help, so I agree.

Speaker 2 21:28

And the reason I'm saying that is you know.

Speaker 5 21:29

I love the movie the Help, so I agree and the reason I'm saying that is you know, in there she talks about and she like, has the child repeat back like you were kind, you were loving, and so I actually implement that some with my kids at night too, in some of their bedtime routine is talking about the characteristics I love about them. So my son is hilarious and so I tell him you are kind, and he started adding to it. So last night he added two new words to it and so I think it's just powerful to like repeat to them what you love about them. So I always put funny in there because that's a characteristic I love about him. And he's playful. And my daughter is just so incredibly smart and not that my son isn't, but even everyone that meets her she can just repeat back everything and I've said that before. She memorizes everybody I work with.

Speaker 5 22:12

And so she just so. I always put smart in hers, so I think that is a way that at young ages that you can do it. But I also think pointing out when they do something well is so important because it one shows that you noticed and then, two, it's also complimenting them, so they get both, in that they see that you're attuned to them, but also that it's something that you're proud of, and Chloe, I love what you said earlier about your dad and the fact that he would talk to you about how you handled the situation and lead you to some insight about how you could do it better and look how that built your self-esteem and your ability to problem solve.

Speaker 3 22:39

Rather than being critical of how our kids handle things, sometimes, if we just ask and we get some insight hey, what were you thinking and what were you trying to accomplish? What were you thinking and what were you trying to accomplish? That they learn they can manage problems, they can problem solve, rather than I have to go to my parent because I don't have that skill or that knowledge and again, that's a process that doesn't happen. You can't never build that in and then expect a 16-year-old to have those skills. You start young and then you continue to build and if you mess up as a kid, you have a parent who's going to be there to support you and help you do better the next time.

Speaker 5 23:12

Well, and I think independence is a big one here, right? And so you know I struggled with that. I will be honest, especially with my son, I just wanted him to be a mama's boy in daycare. I had to be like, hey, you have to let him put his own shoes, on and figure this out.

Speaker 5 23:24

But on his second day of kinder, I was so proud. He said mom, I'm ready to get out of the car, I don't need you and dad to walk me up. Well, you know, the first three days they give us this grace period that we can walk him up every day all the way into his class. And I said you ready, bud? And he said yeah, and my husband said no, we're going to pull park. And I said no, he asked us.

Speaker 5 23:41

And so but if you know, no, he asked us, he wants to get out, he can get himself out and get his backpack. And so we watched him walk and both of us teared up and I said but there was a moment that I felt so proud that he has the confidence on his second day of kinder to walk in by himself and know where he goes and so.

Speaker 5 23:59

But it's hard because we as their parents sometimes struggle to want them to have that independence, because we want to help and so I think that also in ways that we can allow them to be independent and give them the confidence that also helps with esteem and confidence, well, you know, and self-esteem and confidence are internal right.

Speaker 4 24:15

So those are things that, for example, a parent well, when a parent's not around, right, how do I bring myself up? How do I know that I'm good at something? Right, as a parent, we tell kids what they're good at and sometimes we have to explore, and sometimes we have to explore hard because you know that they have certain skills and talents you know. Nurture those things. I'll never forget another. My mom again, you know, and in fact my grandmother was there too, and I read a word randomly. I don't even think I was in kindergarten, but they would read to me so I could read young and the amount of excitement that they put. I read a cup and it said have a happy day. I just read it just randomly, standing at the table, and the excitement that that generated in my mother and my grandmother. And to read this now, and they kept giving me.

Speaker 4 24:52

So you know what I knew then. I'm smart and I was always told how smart I was, so that became so, anywhere I went when I went to school kindergarten, no problem, easy, right. So you know what I mean the self esteem and the confidence that you get from just small words. Again, we're talking about small things. This is the roadmap for parents, right? Like, hey, just find those right things, they're going to be good at something if they drive you nuts, or it's not things you share value in. We got to find things. My son got really good at video games, you know, and we took him to a tournament. Hey, you're good enough, let's get in a tournament. And you know what I mean. And just something thought hey, that's something he's into, let's, let's, let's go. You know, you just got to find those little things. If it's not something you agree with.

Speaker 2 25:29

What might be some common barriers to providing nurture and how can parents overcome those?

Speaker 5 25:33

I mean, I think, even if we're dysregulated, it's hard to give nurture Right. So like there are times where I'm stressed or I'm trying to handle something for work and they need me to nurture them and care for them and I'm trying to decide which one I can manage in the moment. The moment, I mean, if I'm honest, sometimes it's not the nurture, and so I think it's hard because I think even our own, where we're at emotionally and what we have going on, does affect that and can be a barrier. And I think you overcome it by knowing when to set a boundary and say, hey, this is what I can give now and this in six months. I could have given this and I can't give that now.

Fostering Independence and Resilience

Speaker 5 26:03

So I think that's one of the barriers, or even that you don't necessarily. You don't necessarily. You think I didn't need that or I didn't get that, so they'll be fine, right, we do convince ourselves that, like our parents never gave us that moment, so why do we give it to them? But I think ultimately which I'm sure if we're honest with ourselves there are things that we want to be different about in the way our parents parented us, and so you have to make kind of this deal about hey, what am I going to do and provide that I didn't get? And so I think that is also fighting your own past history is also a barrier you fight.

Speaker 4 26:32

I also think that I think we have to take into account that not everybody works a standardized schedule. Some people have to work two jobs, some people are single parents, some people you know have just to make ends meet and don't have the capacity for many reasons. And so how can we overcome that, as I think we talked about earlier? I mean, just do the little things right To show you care. Do the small things that you can when you can and help. I think the children do understand at some point that you know mom and dad have to grind or whatever it is, or I just got to pay the bills right. We have to acknowledge those things right. Not everybody's in the same situation and it's not perfect, but the kids will remember what you do and say right. So I think that's how you overcome it. Just say the little things when you can say I love you, give hugs, make notes.

Speaker 3 27:15

You know, there's a book called the Five Love Languages which readers can look up if they're interested in that.

Speaker 3 27:21

There's also a more in-depth explanation of similar principles called the Gottman Principles, but Both of those resources talk about the fact that people give and experience love in different ways, right? So if my husband were to give me flowers to show that he loves me, I would be so upset because what I need him to do is take out the trash, right? So sometimes I think the barriers are just our own mindsets about how we care or receive care, and so, being aware of how do your children receive care, what is that? Look like I may be doing the laundry and putting gas in her car to help her out, but if I fail to say I'm really proud of you for all your hard work and the fact that you juggle work in school, and those words of affirmation are important to her, then I may have missed the boat. And it's not up to my children to adapt to my method of nurture. It's up to me, as a parent, to figure out what feels nurturing and loving to them and then make a conscious effort to do so.

Speaker 2 28:23

I think also we have to be careful with our culture of busyness. I know I get wrapped up in this. We're over-programmed in our house. We have things going on all the time, all the time and it feels like we're always rushing from one thing to the next and sometimes it just doesn't feel like we have time to do any type of nurturing or things like that. So I think it's also it is important to kind of look at your schedule and see what really is important and really what maybe we're doing just to be busy and maybe kind of do some self-assessment on that and decide what really is important, Maybe cut some things out if it's affecting the ability to provide some nurture for our kids.

Speaker 3 28:55

Josh, you have a tradition with your girls of reading to them. Is that in the evenings? And so your girls are 15 and two 17-year-olds, correct? And still you have that tradition, which I love. I think what a cool thing that you started when they were young, but you've continued to carry it on and they love it too.

Speaker 2 29:16

They do. I'm actually kind of worried they're going to college next year. If I'm going to have to, like, call into college or something You'll have to do Zoom yeah. Zoom in or something. They won't go to bed without a nighttime story. But it really it's good for them and it's good for me too, but just carving out some time at the end of the day to do that.

Speaker 5 29:30

I have a. It's funny that you say that. I have a friend who still to this day she has kind of. She has three siblings, so she's one of four, but once a week they zoom and have a prayer night, and so she does it because they all live in different States with her parents, and so it's her parents and her siblings and they all pray for each other, and so they do it on Wednesday nights. So it is don't don't make it that, because you could definitely fit that in, and she cherishes those nights.

Speaker 2 29:53

So how can parents nurture their children while also encouraging that independence and resilience?

Speaker 5 29:58

You know, I think you can always nurture your child and encourage it by, you know, showing them, hey, do you think you can try? Do you want to try? And then, maybe right here or what do you want that to look like? So a lot of times before we go into a doctor's appointment, like, if I know they're going to have a shot, like how do you want us to handle this? Do you want mom to hold your hand? Do you want mom to sit across the room? You want mom to lead the room? You know, just simple things, that mom's still here, and so I think that's important. Even the other day, when my son got out of the car, no-transcript.

Speaker 3 30:37

Sometimes that's as hard on us, if not a little harder, when our child has to face a consequence for a poor choice or a bad decision that they've made. And I see some parents who want to ensure that their children never are reprimanded or have a consequence or a discipline, but I think Catherine mentioned this last week that doesn't prepare them for real life. And so you can nurture your child and care for your child, while also helping them understand they have responsibilities, they have commitments they have to take care of. You know just in the same way, sam, that your mom handled that situation with you.

Speaker 5 31:14

I think it's interesting. You say that, suzanne, we had signed my son up for soccer and they made it Wednesday nights. And so Wednesday nights we go to church in our house. And so at one point the coach tries to call me and say, hey, we need players, just go to the games. And I said no one that doesn't teach him that you have to practice before a game. And so I know. And then two, and I said if y'all I know y'all might want to do Wednesdays, that's the one night we can't do. And so she said well, I'm not budging. And I said that's fine, I'm not budging that Wednesdays is our church and I'm also not budging that he has to practice before a game, because he needs to know that. How's what we tell him. He plays soccer. So we say, hey, if you want to do, well, you have to work at it this way.

Speaker 4 31:57

The only way to build resilience really is to have experiences. So, get out there and have experiences with them, let them have a chance to fall down sometime within parameters, and all those things are going to create that resiliency you're looking for, because that just means, hey, I bounce back If things don't go my way. How do I bounce back? Do what I need to do.

Speaker 2 32:13

So providing nurture can actually be pretty difficult for parents who have never been taken care of themselves. You know it's hard to give something that you've never received, so what would you recommend for a parent who's struggling in this area?

Speaker 4 32:28

Firstly, I mean, you got to be aware of that, I think, and I think that something's wrong or I just want to know and do better. Right, so it can be hard, like I think Chloe said it earlier. She said something like oh, they're going to be fine, or I didn't do it that way. Right and fair, but also not true. We want to do. We want to do better than what we got Even. I think that's our goal.

Balancing Parenting Styles and Growth

Speaker 5 32:46

I think that is the cool. The one of the things that I think is so cool about marriage is you kind of get to balance each other right. And so my husband does. I've said this before. He does phenomenal at structure. In some ways he is so much better than me at it, and so he really helps our household stay in structure. And I am the nurturer, for sure, and I thought I would be more on the structure.

Speaker 5 33:05

I'm not as much as I wanted to be, but I think what's interesting is when you get to talk about your past and talk about, hey, what is our importance? And like, what do we want to instill with our kids? And so we kind of made a pack together about what was important for them to know and work through. And sometimes that's harder for one of us because of our backgrounds, and so sometimes when you see one of us step in on areas that are difficult because you know, my husband was hopefully won't kill me for bringing this up, but he was taught to swim by literally being thrown in a pool and told to figure it out, and so when I signed our son up for swim lessons, he's like, hey, why doesn't he just and I said because that's not the right way to teach a kid to swim, and so we had an honest conversation about and, honestly, what was cool is now our son is getting really good at it, and so it's just funny to watch us have conversations about where you can grow and what you can do.

Speaker 5 33:58

But I think it is hard to admit some of the things that you struggle with, and I think it's honest with yourself, but also allowing your spouse to give you feedback. In those moments, if you don't have a spouse, it could be a close friend or a parent saying, hey, this is an area I think you struggle with and have honest conversations.

Speaker 3 34:06

I agree with Sam that you know. Number one just being aware is important, but when we're stressed we tend to fall back on what we know. So I may be aware that maybe I'm not very nurturing, but when I'm really stressed out is when I'm going to withdraw that nurturing because it doesn't feel comfortable to me Anytime. We're trying to learn new parenting skills or parent in a way differently than we were parented. We're trying to make new pathways in our brains and during stress, forget it. We're going to go back, right back to what we know. And so not only do you have to be aware, you have to be intentional, so that you have to say OK, I see, I see the fact that I need to be more nurturing. I'm going to have to intentionally make strides towards that daily, when I'm stressed, no matter what. And so you've got to make a commitment if you want to see changes in your parenting style.

Speaker 5 34:56

But I also think just know that no one's going to be able to. You're still mom or dad to them. So no one is going to be that besides you.

Speaker 5 35:03

So even in, like your hard moments or even when you feel like you didn't quite get it right. They know that you're their mom and dad and that you love them, so I think it's it's. You still can show it, even when you feel like you didn't get right and we've talked about that before apologizing or or hey, there's always a repair way of making it better the next time.

Speaker 3 35:19

I always hope that my adult children will forgive me for all the things I did wrong.

Speaker 3 35:24

Right. So you know, with my oldest. Well, that's the first time I was ever a parent, so I was learning right along with her. And so by the time the second daughter came along, I had some experience, but not with her. She was wired completely different, her personality. So now I'm learning all over again, and so even when I'd like to think third time is the charm, still I have a child with a different personality. So I know better in some things. But being a parent, it evolves, it changes. When we know better, we do better. But we have to give ourselves some grace too.

Speaker 2 35:56

All right. Thank you for joining us today. If you'd like to contact us to ask a question, or our email address is podcasts at calfarleyorg. I'll leave a link in the description. Also, if you haven't already, please follow and subscribe to the show and leave us a five-star review. And tell your friends and, as always, remember you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you get them back.

Speaker 1 36:15

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