Have you ever wondered about the emotional armor that some people wear, keeping connections at arm's length? Our exploration into the tendencies of the Dismissive Avoidant (DA) attachment style sheds light on this self-reliant yet emotionally evasive profile. Follow Debbie as she unveils how early relationships shape this fortress of independence, and the hidden struggle DAs face in acknowledging their need for intimacy. This episode is not just a revelation of characteristics—it's an empathetic understanding of the DA journey and a guide to unlocking the potential for deep emotional fulfillment that lies beyond the walls of avoidance.
Weaving personal stories with expert insights, this episode offers a heartfelt narrative on fostering relationships with those who identify with the tendencies of a DA attachment style. It's a tale of navigating the paradox of craving closeness while fearing vulnerability, and the steps one can take towards healthier, more connected partnerships. Listeners will find solace in learning how DAs can cultivate trust and gradually allow themselves to be seen. In a heartfelt wrap-up, we celebrate the transformative power of self-awareness and invite you to join our community in embracing your inner awesomeness, one heartfelt connection at a time.
---CONNECT with Shero Cafe--- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/shero.cafe.podcast/ Email: thesherocafe@gmail.com
Have you ever wondered about the emotional armor that some people wear, keeping connections at arm's length? Our exploration into the tendencies of the Dismissive Avoidant (DA) attachment style sheds light on this self-reliant yet emotionally evasive profile. Follow Debbie as she unveils how early relationships shape this fortress of independence, and the hidden struggle DAs face in acknowledging their need for intimacy. This episode is not just a revelation of characteristics—it's an empathetic understanding of the DA journey and a guide to unlocking the potential for deep emotional fulfillment that lies beyond the walls of avoidance.
Weaving personal stories with expert insights, this episode offers a heartfelt narrative on fostering relationships with those who identify with the tendencies of a DA attachment style. It's a tale of navigating the paradox of craving closeness while fearing vulnerability, and the steps one can take towards healthier, more connected partnerships. Listeners will find solace in learning how DAs can cultivate trust and gradually allow themselves to be seen. In a heartfelt wrap-up, we celebrate the transformative power of self-awareness and invite you to join our community in embracing your inner awesomeness, one heartfelt connection at a time.
---CONNECT with Shero Cafe--- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/shero.cafe.podcast/ Email: thesherocafe@gmail.com
Hello, hello, welcome back. We are on the third of five videos in the Attachment Style series. Our first video was an overview of all four Attachment Styles, so we have the Anxious Preoccupied, the Dismissive Avoidant, the Fearful Avoidant and the Secure. So that was the first video. The second video was all about the anxious preoccupied. As the name implies, there's an anxiousness that runs the script of the anxious preoccupied in our minds, because I am or have been, I guess I still am an anxious preoccupied, moving and shifting toward secure attachment style, because that's what's possible. There's this nagging worry about being unlovable, unworthy, undeserving, and this feelings of insecurity and seeking this constant sense of reassurance. So if you are an AP, anxious preoccupied, or you know an AP, you will experience the neediness and the clinginess of this attachment style. If you want to know more about that, go watch the video. It's in the media section. Click on the media section tab and then click on videos and find it there. And if you can't find it, just reach out and I'll send you the link.
Speaker 1:
Okay, so this is the third video in the series of five and it is about the dismissive avoidant. You'll hear me a lot refer to the dismissive avoidant as the DA. So what is it like to be a DA? So imagine an island, seemingly self-sufficient, surrounded by a sea of independence, with this calm, serene surface, but underneath there's currents of deep-seated emotional discomfort. Okay, so people with this attachment style appear to be incredibly self-sufficient self-reliant, navigating all of life's self-reliant, navigating all of life's complexities, with this cool, rational demeanor, a little detached, this pragmatism, sort of an aloof energy, but very, very practical and very, very rational. So it's like they've constructed this fortress around their hearts. Like they've constructed this fortress around their hearts, very, very blocked off, convincing themselves that solitude is their strength and dependence on other people is a great vulnerability and it's to be avoided at all costs. So the DA's primary challenge it's not about reaching out and making friends or connections. They can be incredibly friendly with this big, open heart Nope, not open, but this big heart to help out and do things. They can even be very charming when they want to be, but it's embracing the vulnerability that comes with the connections. That's the big problem. And before I go further, I will say it's a big problem because of the environment they were raised in and I'm going to explain more about that, why emotions and being emotionally connected is so challenging.
Speaker 1:
So just the thought of lowering their guard down, their emotional guard down, and revealing their true selves to other people, with what I'll call their inherent vulnerabilities. This could be like feeling flawed, worried about rejection, that their resources will be taken away and we'll get into more of that in just a minute. But it's like they're facing this dragon that's guarding a castle. But what they don't realize is that that dragon is what protects them from discovering the treasure involved with genuine connection, intimacy, trust and emotional fulfillment. Because those of us that have gotten to a place where we've actually experienced genuine connection, real intimacy, emotional intimacy, feeling incredible trust in another human being and have an emotional fulfillment, we can see, because we're on the other side of, how incredibly important it is and how fulfilling it can be. But if you're not there yet, it seems like this huge crevasse that's impossible to cross. But I promise you it is not impossible to cross. If it's something you want, we'll talk more about that in a minute too.
Speaker 1:
So how does somebody develop DA tendencies? That's a dismissive and avoidant. So if you've been on the receiving end, you may have had someone act in a particular way where you're like did they just dismiss me? And it's a real feeling that they may not have intentionally. It's just they're very uncomfortable in the moment and they've got to get away. It's to protect this inside part, avoidant. You may experience wanting to get closer and they're avoiding you Like, where are you going Right? So it's very, very challenging if you're not understanding what's going on with them and why they may show up in this particular light.
Speaker 1:
So let me give you some clues about why somebody might become or be or experience DA or dismissive avoidant tendencies. So typically it's not just one thing, it's not like I don't know. You were born that way. You grew up in a household with that. Your emotional discomfort and pain that was felt while growing up and experiencing a distance of someone that was important to you um, pushing you away, okay. So the dismissive avoidant often had situations where they were kind of pushed away and didn't understand what was going on and then they retreated within themselves. Okay, all right. So let's say, if that there may have been a lot of emotional distance or inconsistency from their early caregivers Now, you may have heard me say it before caregiver is someone who gives care.
Speaker 1:
Okay, that could be anyone from parents, grandparents or other family members to neighbors, coaches, teachers, whoever, but we're mainly talking about primary caregivers. But instead of saying the word parent, because not everyone was raised by a parent, I just say the word caregiver, so I can encompass those who gave care. Okay, so sometimes a caregiver was just too busy. Just too busy. They just could not devote the attention they might have been unavailable, could have been disease, could have been just because where their job placed them, that their emotions were not available to the child. It could have been a death or something, or possibly that the caregiver was unavailable to themselves emotionally. So you can't give to someone else what you do not have, and so that child may have grown up actually experiencing pain, little to no emotional connection, and that's a huge challenge.
Speaker 1:
So this teaches the child to be self-reliant and self-sufficient and independent, and they view the unmet emotional need as just normal. Isn't that the way it is for everyone? Look at things like hey, I'll take care of me, you take care of you, what's the problem? Right? But if you're not a DA or dismissive avoidant, that may be like a what are you talking about? Kind of a statement I take care of you, me, you take care of you. It's like no, we take care of each other, right? So, depending on what your attachment style is, you're going to have an emotional reaction to that statement. Okay, so here's where the DA learns that trying to satisfy their need for intimacy can be very, very painful, and so they grow up staying far away from intimate connection and typically any issues with how do I say this? They stay away from the emotional connection of the other person, but they are able to be physically engaging. Okay, we'll talk a little bit more about that in a minute too. We'll talk about a lot in a minute, so hang on, okay, all right.
Speaker 1:
So they maybe they were raised within a society or a culture or some sort of family that highly valued independence, and this environment can really stigmatize the expression of emotional needs, like it solidifies that dismissive avoidance stance. The person or culture or family they may not have really realized it, but they may have conveyed that showing vulnerability or seeking support was a sign of weakness and not strength, right? So they may have heard things like we do things on our own, we don't ask for help, other people do that. We don't want to look like those other people, like those people are bad. So if a person grows up in that kind of like thought process. They're going to have deep seated concepts in the deep recesses of their minds and they may not even realize that that's what's propelling this thought process forward. All right, sometimes there is negative personal experiences. They may have been in some sort of traumatic relationship. They may have sustained significant losses, even in later stages of life. That can affirm the belief that emotional independence is so much safer than being dependent.
Speaker 1:
So the DA may consciously or unconsciously think things like this Now look, I'm not the DA, I'm not. I don't know you and I don't know your person. So don't think that I'm quoting anybody. But from things that I've heard, it's like there's this like thinking, unconscious thinking. It's like I'm giving you an example that they might be like I'd really like to have someone in my life, you know someone to do things with, but I don't really get all this closeness stuff. Like why do people have to like want to talk about their feelings and it would be really nice to have someone to like go to dinner with or go to the movie with or hang out with on the weekend, you know, like a buddy, but a little more than a buddy, but not too close, right? So the DA definitely desires connection, but because they've had such painful emotional experiences they sort of trick themselves into thinking that they don't need emotional connection, just physical closeness, whatever that ends up meaning for them, like just holding hands or going somewhere, or it could be sex, whatever, or a combination of that, but not the emotional closeness. So, like I said, a DA typically doesn't have any issues with the physical closeness but they are typically not experiencing, say, sex the same way as a secure attachment style a fearful avoidant, which we'll talk about next video, or the anxious preoccupied, because the anxious preoccupied and the fearful avoidant both have a lot of anxiety, emotional anxiety, issues that show up as I want to get close, I want more closeness, the anxious preoccupied can't get enough closeness and the fearful avoidant can't get enough closeness but pushes you away because it terrifies them. So they do this similar to the DA. But if those aren't on the same page at every moment it'd be such a challenge page at every moment It'd be such a challenge. So let's keep going with the DA.
Speaker 1:
If a person has innate tendencies toward introversion, just say they're born introverted, or even they just really appreciate and recognize like self-sufficiency, they value independence. This might really kind of just predispose them to having more dismissive, avoidant tendencies. There's nothing wrong with being an introverted, or being self-sufficient, or valuing independence Nothing wrong with any of that. What I like to say is it's not so much what you do, but how much time you spend doing it and how it affects others around you. Now, in other words, these things may be healthy traits, anything may be a healthy trait, right, but up to a certain point.
Speaker 1:
If we go beyond that, if we are, say, so self-sufficient, we can't allow another person in our life. If we're so independent, we can't allow anyone else to help us. You know, if we're too introverted, where we can't participate with other people, then that kind of leans more into that unhealthy range. And if we want to be different than that, if we want to get healthier, it is important to take a look at that, that If we want to get healthier, it is important to take a look at that. So I would invite a DA to ask themselves if they feel like they're at a healthy level or if they feel like they're missing something in their lives that they would like more of, and if maybe they've moved too far into an unhealthy aspect of these qualities and maybe they just need to kind of learn some new stuff and kind of scooch back. I'll share a little bit more about that. Like I keep saying, I'm going to share more about that. We're getting into that in just a moment.
Speaker 1:
Okay, so I wanted to describe how a person could become more of a DA or have those tendencies I do want to say their tendencies. We can always move away from what we don't want, but it's just not one thing. It's not just my parents weren't emotionally available and boom, I'm a DA. It could be, but typically there's other factors that also go along with it. Okay, that happens over years. All right, so let's kind of understand some of the DA dynamics, right?
Speaker 1:
So for those who literally identify as a dismissive avoidant or are interacting with someone who is a dismissive avoidant, understanding the nuances of this attachment style is really really crucial, because they're so self-sufficient and they can self-soothe and they're reliant and they can just like go on their own and not really worry about what other people are thinking. It makes them seem really healthy. But they've got this really challenging area. So it's very similar to a secure attachment style. They've got this other area that just needs to be worked on if they want to have a better, more connected relationships. So we know the DA prioritizes independence and often experiences a mix of desire for connection but then also fear anxiety, of rejection, terrified of intimacy because of how painful it's been for them. They are very afraid of losing autonomy, yet still really craving that connection, the consistency and appreciation. Real quick, I'll share.
Speaker 1:
I dated a man who was a DA and he really loved, like this, the consistency part and appreciation for him. So anytime I complimented him he was so excited about that. I always had like that same level emotion, voice. I never raised my voice. I never got like upset or angry, not even with the dogs, like because I do remember one time I fussed at the dog and I saw him just like tense up. At the time I was like what's his problem? I'm just like the dog went to go in the street street and I was like no, come back rather than come here. Little you know, like whatever, I didn't want my dog to get hurt. So it was. It was just very like what just happened. Of course I didn't ask him because I didn't, I didn't know how to ask it whole different story now, but at the time just too new, just didn't understand.
Speaker 1:
But that consistency thing's super, super important to the dismissal who wouldn't? Because they need to trust. They need to trust You're not going to turn on them, all right. So despite this real protective shell, this independence they value so much, the DA can feel really isolated and really long for those close relationships. Can feel really isolated and really long for those close relationships but again, still struggle with the frustration and anxiety when it comes to intimacy. Okay, so their journey toward a healthier relationship involves recognizing the resistance of themselves, learning to set healthy boundaries so that if somebody does try to get too close they can say hold on, not yet, not quite, you know, they can set that boundary that is comfortable for them. The other person, if that person cares enough about them, is going to respect the boundary right. And then they can gradually embrace vulnerability on a slower basis than like the anxious preoccupied that just wants to go all in immediately. Right, like how close can we get? Right versus the DA is like hang medium for both parties. Okay, so they can, but it is challenging, right. So change is achievable. For any of the attachment styles, it is absolutely achievable.
Speaker 1:
The question is, how bad do you want it and I mean, how bad do you want it for you? You do not do this for another person. You just don't do this for another person. You either do it for yourself, maybe because you want to save a relationship, but you're not doing it so that person doesn't leave. You do it because you want a healthy relationship, and I mean across the board, anxious, preoccupied, fearful, avoidant, dismissive, avoidant even the secure, which is just doing a whole lot better and doesn't need as much. But we do it for ourselves.
Speaker 1:
Okay, so awareness is the first step. So if a person can't acknowledge that they've shifted into unhealthy behaviors and patterns in their lives, they're not going to change. And that's because the mind can only really process something once it goes from the unconscious to the conscious, not from the unconscious to the conscious. I like to say from the unconscious, like out here, like I have to look at it on a piece of paper or in front of my face, or hear it or see it out here, so that this part of the brain can can process it. If I just go right here, I don't know, that doesn't seem like enough to me. Maybe it is for you, but I think it has to come from the unconscious in front of our face to the conscious. I do that with like these, uh, like self-discovery questions. So, anyway, okay. So, um, again, this is true for everyone, not just the, the DA. So then the next step has to be taken, right?
Speaker 1:
So for the DA, since this is the DA's video, um, this might begin with something very safe watching some YouTube videos or videos like this. It might be reading self-help books or reading something on the internet or chat. This could be forms of theoretical information where you can open up to, like, new ideas, new perspectives, new concepts, new information, even new possibilities. But you can actually feel comfortable that no one's demanding anything of you. It doesn't feel so overwhelming. It makes sense intellectually and you get to determine if you like.
Speaker 1:
Sometimes I've had DAs read stuff and they're like, yeah, I don't need that. And it's like, that's fine, maybe you don't need that. Are you wanting a more connected and intimate relationship? Well, yeah, then maybe it would be beneficial to take a look at it again. Have you gone too far? Okay? So for DA to just look at things from that more intellectual sense, it's like that's like golden, because they don't have to involve another person, at least at first right in their growth or their self discovery or reveal anything of an intimate nature to another person.
Speaker 1:
But if the DA gets to a certain point and they really really do want to make lasting change and not just momentary type of change, then they would benefit from some sort of guidance or assistance. And I'm not saying you have to go to therapy, not at all. If therapy is not your thing, you don't want to go, don't go Like you don't have to go, don't go like you don't have to go. Um, if it doesn't feel right, don't do it right. But because therapy really is a very specific modality of healing and it is not for everyone, um, and because the da is so self-sufficient, they may want to find, they may find that working with, with a coach like me who has these frameworks and processes and practices, it might be easier for them. Somebody like me might be better at helping a DA unravel challenges that they face and will go at a pace that's comfortable, without crossing certain lines, all right.
Speaker 1:
So for those interested, I've placed an assessment in the community. Sorry, we've got a flash flood tornado warning. Anyway, sorry for the distraction. For those that are interested, I have placed a dismissive, avoidant assessment in the community. It's 20 yes or no questions and you can complete it in just a few minutes. It'll be in a post, but if you can't find it, just go to the files section and you'll find it there.
Speaker 1:
So this concludes the third video of the five video series on attachment styles. My next video will be on fearful avoidant, and that involves a complex interplay of desires and fears, especially when it comes to relationships and how challenging, really challenging, it can be at times. The hope excuse me, the hope, the encouragement is we can move toward secure attachment style, or to just be more secure in ourselves by learning information and practicing this information. So I thank you for being here with me today and I look forward to seeing you in the community, whether you take the assessment or not. If you have any questions about the dismissive avoided or about any of the attachment styles, please DM me or send me a question at debb, at debbepearsoncom, and I promise to answer it. All right, as always, I'm Debbie Pearson, helping you become more awesome on the inside. See you next video.
