013 - Denise Metzger on Crafting Celebrations of Legacy and Love

When life presents us with the ultimate farewell, Denise Metzger teaches us to celebrate with vibrant remembrance rather than succumb to the shadows of grief. Joining us at Shiro Cafe, she shares her transformative journey from interior decorator to life tribute videographer and celebration of life planner. Her company, Surprise Invite, is not merely a venture but a heartfelt response to her daughter Janae's passing—turning the concept of commemorating life's milestones on its head. Denise's passion emanates through each story, reminding us that every chapter of life, even the last, can be celebrated with creativity and fervor.

Our conversation ventures beyond the surface, touching upon the profound lessons that emerge from the depths of adversity. The narrative weaves through the complexities of love, loss, and the resilience of the human spirit. Listeners will journey through the landscape of gratitude and healing, discovering how an attitude of gratitude has the power to transform obligation into opportunity and how unconditional love can prevail in the most trying of family dynamics.

Denise's approach to life celebration videos encapsulates the essence of an individual's legacy, and we take you behind the scenes of this unique craft. These tribute videos are more than just montages; they are capsules of joy that reflect the love, laughter, and stories of those they honor. Our discussion not only highlights the process behind these touching memorials but also serves as a testament to the power of laughter and the importance of celebrating life with the same intensity with which we live it. Embark on this journey with us and uncover the treasures hidden within life's most challenging moments.

---CONNECT WITH Denise Metzger---
Email:  celebrate@surpriseinvite.com
Website: Surprise Invite .....  https://surpriseinvite.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/SurpriseInvitation/
Buy Denise's Book: Heavenly Birth. A Mother’s Journey. A Daughter’s Legacy
https://a.co/d/90oMA7k

Contribute to Denise's Fundraising efforts:
https://venmo.com/u/Denise-Metzger-2020


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---CONNECT with Shero Cafe---
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/shero.cafe.podcast/
Email: thesherocafe@gmail.com

---CONNECT with Deborah Edwards---
Let's Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/deborah.edwards.372
Self Care Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/624202641785785
Website: https://gratefulom.life/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/deborahedwards-selfcarecoach/

---CONNECT with Debbie Pearson---
Facebook (personal): https://www.facebook.com/debbie.pearson.921
Facebook Group (Self-Discovery Lab): https://www.facebook.com/groups/selfdiscoverylab
Website: https://www.debbiepearson.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/debbiepearsoncoach/

Transcript

Deborah: 0:17

Welcome, you, welcome . We are so glad to be with you today. We have an amazing lady here with us today and I'm super excited about sharing this very different business concept of what our Sheroe'd, Denise Metzger, does. Are you ready for this? She is a life tribute videographer and celebration of life planner. What does that mean? I'll explain it this way she invites you to celebrate life and death differently.

Deborah: 0:55

Now I'm going to try no, I'm not going to try to explain what that means, but you guys need to stick around, because this is super special. This is super special and everything I've seen and heard about Denise's work has been so incredibly well received, positively emotional and very much appreciated by the folks who get to end the end result of her video. So let's get started with the lady who helps you to celebrate life in the most unique way I've ever seen. She helps family to be relieved of stress and overwhelm, creates a wonderfully unique surprise video that celebrates any life milestone for you, even for your last milestone. So, debbie, I'm going to turn it over to you and let's get this party started All right.

Debbie: 1:47

Oh, denise, we're so excited to have you here. Welcome, welcome to the Shero Cafe. I'm thrilled to be here. Yes, yay, thank you. We are so excited because we have heard so many things about your unique journey, because it is taking you some interesting places. So I watched the video that you sent to us and you obviously have a lot of people that love you and appreciate the joy, the beauty, the energy and the fabulousness that you bring, and I have so many questions. I don't even know where to start, but I think we're going to start by letting people get to know you a little bit, like who you are and what you do. And, like I see, the name of your company is Surprise Invite. I didn't know what that meant, but after I saw some of your videos, I totally get it. It's awesome and beautiful and amazing. So will you please help our audience understand what it is that you do?

Denise: 2:57

I am disrupting the funeral industry and changing the conversation, expectation and experience around death and dying. So much that I introduce life as a surprise party. It's not a party that ends with the last breath. The spirit party hops onto the next venue. So it's a party hop. Betty White encouraged that after the last breath it was a secret and I promote that it's a surprise and that it does not need to be heavy and dark and something difficult to talk about. Much less experience and there are ways that we can lighten it up and change that. And I'm leading the way by example because I was shown the possibility of what can happen around that when my teenage daughter party hopped at the age of 15. Wow, Absolutely.

Debbie: 3:48

Oh my God, I thought it was so cool to watch how you were able to connect with all these people that know the person you're doing the video for, because obviously you don't just do for death, it's for life as well. All the different milestones, right, correct? So before we go there, okay, so it was really the coolest thing I've ever seen. I was like that and I love your. Everybody's going to have to go watch. I'm going to have to put your link on there because I love the skeleton dancing. Everything about it is just fabulous. Okay, so, okay. So now we know a little bit about what you do. Tell us a little bit about you and your Shiro journey. Like, how did you get where you are today? What happened in your life that brought you to creating these types of videos? Share some stuff about you.

Denise: 4:41

Okay, so I'm going to start with the. I used to be an interior decorator. I majored in commercial art, graphic design. Everybody's like what are you going to do with graphic design? Back in the day, you know, we didn't even have a computer course on art and graphic design. Not a thing to know where technology was going to go. So, and the way that life is a surprise party and you know, offered me things that I didn't ask for or detours that I didn't see coming. I used to be a decorative painter and do like interior design consulting. That's where my creativity and my artistry went.

Denise: 5:17

I was sitting in the driveway of clients who were completely happy, had paid me the job complete, and I always felt like I call it a spiritual knowing, because in my human mind I did not know what it was. There was a void, there was a want for something more, something different. I felt like, you know, I want to make an impact that's lasting. There's something here that I'm here to do and it's more important than a painted wall that's going to be painted over in two years or changed. I didn't know what it was, but after Janae was diagnosed with leukemia at 12, day one of this diagnosis for her Tell us who Janae is. Janae was my oldest daughter. I'm a mother of five. At the time the youngest was like eight and the oldest 14. So I had five children in a six and a half year span. Let's make babies engraved on my husband at the time wedding band. And I remember back in the day, that's when we had the answering machines and I came home and the light was blinking and the jeweler, who I did not know, was just laughing hysterically and saying it was the best thing that she had ever engraved on a wedding band was let's make babies. Um, and that was my. You know, I was raised catholic. That was very, I would just say this time we could get it on. That was a clean way of saying it. So I'm just, I'm just. I tell people my Tasmanian unicorn. I go to networking events and people say where are you from? And I say the planet's not been named. I'm waiting to be beamed up at any moment because I'm just so random and odd and different and this business and the way that I have perceived life has really just blown the door off of that to show that that's true.

Denise: 7:07

So Janae woke up with leg pain and she had sat up through the night waiting for me to wake up. She knew that I would go to the gym early every morning. She didn't want to wake me up, she wanted to wait and she told me that it felt like her legs, like an elephant was sitting on them and she sat on the side of the tub and she said watch. And an elephant was sitting on them and she sat on the side of the tub and she said watch. And they were tremoring. And I told her that was muscle fatigue, because we put a basketball goal on the day before and she wasn't a very athletic child. So I told her that's what happens when I go to the gym and I work a muscle that's not used to being worked. However, I'll skip for sake of time.

Denise: 7:38

At one o'clock that afternoon I took her to the doctor's office. A few minutes after we were there, a blood draw that I wasn't thinking something was wrong or something was up. The nurse came in and said I'm going to sit with Janae. The doctor wants to see you in her office. I went in. She said is there somebody that you can call? I need you to sit down.

Debbie: 7:57

Wow.

Denise: 7:58

And then she said Janae has leukemia and we're going to confirm it in the morning with a spinal tap and a bone marrow aspiration. And just like that, our whole world's changed. And I remember sitting out of her hospital room a few hours after that processing because it just all just radically changed. We didn't even know she was ill or you know, certainly not to that capacity. I feel like my spirituality. The doors blew off. I always have had a special, a unique relationship with God. Like I said, I was raised in the church. I never really realized at the time that my relationship with God was different.

Denise: 8:35

I encouraged at Life's a Surprise Party and I've learned about the Masquerade Party, the Pity Party and the Slumber Party and you know we'll discuss those later but at the time, as I'm processing, thinking, who are we gonna call first? How are we gonna tell them this news? I heard a voice. I'm gonna just reference the voice. I don't know. God, spiritual wisdom, life, my higher self, it doesn't matter. I've learned to follow it instinctively, intuitively. When it pops up, I listen. And this was the first day that I realized you know as far as where I'm at and where it started. I heard a voice say this could be like Abraham being asked to sacrifice Isaac, and in the Bible that's a story where a father is asked to sacrifice his son to prove his faith and his love for God. He didn't end up sacrificing his son. So what I said was well, I know that's a test of faith and that Abraham got to keep Isaac Behind it. I heard the voice say what if it's not? Which I interpreted right away to say what if I don't get to keep Janae, like Abraham got to keep Isaac? And somehow I committed to I would pass that test too. Now I don't believe we're tested by a father and it got in that way anymore, but at the time that was the language and that was my experience and that's what I was committing to do. So I, in hindsight, tell people if you can make peace with worst case scenario, that's where your faith kicks in and the worry has no power. Because basically that's what I did I made peace with worst case scenario. Maybe I'm not gonna get to keep her.

Denise: 10:01

When that thought came, the thought behind it for me was, or my response was, and I guess this is my higher self also guiding me if that's the concept, if that's the outcome, I won't be the first mom that's been asked to let go of a child and I won't allow myself to be consumed with grief or sorrow or mourning in a way that I cannot live. I will trust that that was the course for her, the course for me, and I will look to the mothers that are ahead on the path that would guide and lead me in the way that I want to follow. And then I went back to um, oh well, I just let that go. And then I thought of my five children. She's the weakest like she can't stand up to bullies in school. How's she going to stand up to cancer?

Denise: 10:48

And that voice behind it said the only way she's going to make it is to find one good thing, no matter how much it's surrounded by bad. One good thing and cling to it. That's the only way. And so they say you're motivated by inspiration or desperation. Since that's's what I heard, I was feeling pretty desperate that I got to figure out how to wire myself to find the one good thing if it was surrounded by bad, because I was raised by and was on the course of being a perfectionist and I focused on the flaw when it was surrounded by a lot of good, and so it was a complete 180, you know, opposite of what I knew and what my natural MO was. And so we started, you know, keeping gratitude journals and trying to figure out how we sought the positive. And that's three years later we had strong faith muscles, strong gratitude muscles, embraced everything as a gift that we didn't ask for, and that's kind of where the surprise party metaphor came in. That's more than a metaphor for me. I really do live life that way. Guess, you know, if I threw a surprise party for you or Deborah, you don't get to create the guest list. It's not just going to be people that you wanted there, There'll be people I've invited that you would not have. You don't get to register only the gifts that you want. You'll be given things that you didn't ask for and you will be grateful anyway. And I know this because in real life I did have a surprise party thrown for me right after I had my fifth child.

Denise: 12:10

I was a part of a junior women's club in Elkins, west Virginia, and I thought, after baby four we were done and, surprise, I got pregnant and I was not celebrating the gift of, oddly enough. You know when I think of who I am now and how I look back at who I was then. I wasn't celebrating the gift of a new life. I was grieving that I was going to be gaining weight and losing the independence that I thought I was close to having, or a little bit. You know, and the Junior Women's Club as my friends and my sisters. They heard me griping about gaining weight and they had concocted and created a surprise shower for me. This is before. You know, nowadays they have sprinkles on baby number three and a baby sprinkle. We didn't have those back then. Right, I'm not expecting a shower or party over a baby.

Denise: 12:53

I thought I was going to a mandatory meeting for committee chairs and I was the new art committee chair and I wanted them to know they had selected a great leader. And even though I just had a baby and didn't feel like going, when I pulled into the street and saw the cars I thought, man, it's a good thing. I did not know he had so many freaking committees in this group. You know, there's so many cars and when I walked in, everybody screamed surprise and I was so overcome with emotion that all these people had gathered and come for me. And there was.

Denise: 13:20

I don't have the hard, you know, hard copy invitation, but it was something about I'd been bitching about the weight I was gaining. They're going to help me lose it, and all the gifts were focused around helping me lose weight. There was like a Weight Watcher subscription. There were one pound dumbbells, there was a running stroller, there were running shoes and all these things that would help me, you know, to release the weight. I would not have registered dumbbells in the subscription to Weight Watchers. I love the running stroller and the shoes.

Denise: 13:45

I'm still so overcome with gratitude and grateful. There were people there that I wouldn't have invited and I was grateful to them too. I thanked them and I did not sit with them as long as the people that I shared conversation with that I would have invited, and so it's a beautiful reflection or metaphor for how you live life. It's all here to support us. It's all here to be something of a gift and to help us in healing and growth and learning and wisdom.

Denise: 14:11

It's not always pretty. It's not always something, you know, magical. Sometimes we get this like a tiny little thing in a gift bag with more tissue paper than you even thought had been, but you can find the gift in anything, and my wife has shown me in massive ways how to do that, and it started with Janae's journey. I always say that Janae was like my bachelors in spirituality or perseverance and persistence and faith. And I have a couple other children that I credit as my masters and my PhD, two of them. I feel like just let mom be under the radar and just let her have a normal experience.

Debbie: 14:56

Yeah Well, thank you so much for like really helping. I know me and I'm guessing a lot of other people just remember how you know like I'm the type person it's like if I don't like something I'm gonna wanna get rid of it and try to maybe have more control in my life, but you know, reminding us of just like the immensity to life, the enormity and being receptive and opening up our hearts and accepting what's coming in and being grateful, and somehow what did you call the muscles? Like a gratitude, gratitude muscle.

Denise: 15:37

Yeah, faith, muscle, gratitude, muscle I like not. I also learned like if you have a rigid plan and you're attached to an outcome, you're setting yourself up for it. There is nothing in my life that I planned that went according to plan. The greatest gifts in my life I would have never asked for Never. Janae's leukemia journey and Party Hot being one of them. It made me a better person and I don't believe in death. She's still with me.

Denise: 16:06

The world's report is I've lost my daughter and she lost her battle of cancer, and my report is I was the one that was with her. She crossed that finish line victorious and she lives in and through everything I do. And I'm not dismissing the void of having a human experience and be able to talk to her the way that I'm talking to you, or touch her or hug her, and I feel her so much in everything I do. And it's made me more curious and more introspective and more in wonder about what happens after the last breath, not afraid of it. I'm more intrigued by things that I got to experience with her. And what a gift is that? You know? Yeah, one of the things that I got to experience with her, and what a gift. Is that you know?

Deborah: 16:45

absolutely. Yeah, one of the things that I know for sure, as Oprah would say, is, you know, you said that you kind of amped up the gratitude, even in those situations that you, somebody else, may look at that situation and say there is nothing in that situation to be grateful for. And I know that when you are in and living and moving in an attitude of gratitude, the fear and all of that, nothing can exist when you're in a state of gratitude and that helps move us forward in our journey and it helps us to be able to see that beauty. You know, like you were saying, not the, not that, not the have to, but the get to right.

Denise: 17:29

A hundred percent that's. I had an organization that was my. We turned our have to's into get to's. I had a nonprofit called wegettoorg. I have videos of turning your have to's into get to's. There's no have to that's too small or too large, that cannot be really ramped up by finding the get to in it. So much so. My greatest one that I share is today wanted to be cremated and we were on our way to bury her ashes and I was in the shower and I was feeling and thinking I have to bury my baby today.

Denise: 18:02

Now my filter, my have to filter, is so strong. Now one time and if I hear it say it, think it, somebody else is speaking it. A lot of times I'm dared to share the get to in it, which is another thing. With the parties are more fun with games, and life's favorite game to play with me is truth or dare, Cause I'm crazy enough to take the dare and find a new truth. If I feel the dare to call somebody out on their have to and share the get to with them, or maybe not call them out but lovingly and gently assist them into what the get to is when they think it's impossible, I will do that because it may be the only chance that I have for them to have their personal experience to find out the power of it.

Denise: 18:39

Back in 2008, it took me three times before I got there, but I think after that, that's when the filter like just one time. So in the shower I'm feeling the typical grief that a mother would feel and thinking I have to bury my child. I'm getting dressed and I'm feeling the heaviness and the grief I have to bury my baby. Today, by the third time, that filter caught. It caught the have to Because we've been practicing for two and a half three years to turn have tos into get tos. So I said a prayer right then. I know there's a get to, but I can't find it. Please help me find it. And immediately that voice responded to me. Only one woman, one in the entire world, one got to be Janae's mom and she's the one that gets to release her back into heaven's care.

Denise: 19:33

And Janae had said to me only days before that, like in and out of her. This is the thing that makes me more intrigued by what's happening, because in and out of being coherent, wondering if she was conscious, not conscious, she just kept saying there are so many people, there are so many people. And then I put her in a wheelchair to take her out and I just got goosebumps. And that's when I know she's going. I'm here, mom, keep going, keep sharing. I put her in a wheelchair to take her outside and she said I'm confused and I said what are you confused about, baby? And like I said she'd had a brain bleed and there would seem like there was a lot of confusion for her. But she said I'm confused and I said what are you confused about, baby? And she said you're not my real family. My real family is here to get me.

Denise: 20:18

Wow, and I wanted to grab her like my human motherness, to grab her like my human motherness, right, like in my nature. I wanted to grab her and say I'll always be your mom. But it's like the holy spirit or that wisdom was like just think about it. And I had such a peace and such a release, of letting her go, like I knew this time was coming. It's another thing of that spiritual knowing, and I know that she had the spiritual knowing too. We never verbally spoke that we knew what the ending was going to be or how the outcome was going to be, or you know, but we both knew.

Denise: 20:51

I also heard that wisdom say to me shortly before her last breath that her purpose was being served in this way in order for me to serve mine. And that's when I knew, like that emptiness, that void that I felt in the driveway, not knowing what my purpose was or what I was here to do. I knew it now and that's why I won't move off the mark now, no matter what happens in my financial bank account. Where I feel abundant, where I feel whatever, I know what I'm here to do and there's nothing more important than me serving that role and make that. There's nothing that makes me more joy filled and and more grateful and more in love with this life than getting to do.

Denise: 21:30

Thank you so much, both of you, for allowing me to do, for the invitation to do this and share this, so that I feel like my mission is to help people heal and find happiness and I can show what that healing looks like because I have been heart broken or heart affected so many times with pain that I can find the gift and the gratitude and the joy and the most unattractive, most disrupting package and still be so in love with this experience that's unfolding uniquely for me and what I get to do and how I get to present it, and certainly around the last breath and the. You know, healing and happiness. It seems like the most challenging event for people in their human experience is death and I have a way that I could help lighten that or less than that, not alleviate, you know, not eliminate it or but to sit in it and to know how to to move through it and not be consumed or by the pity party, that's.

Denise: 22:31

You know. People get caught up in the pity party and they're speaking about all the things that are wrong or that they don't want or that they wish they didn't have, instead of being able to focus on what they do and be grateful for you know, to focus on that good, to find the one good thing, no matter how much it's surrounded by bad, and cling to it. And I have a multitude of examples if you want me to get into them.

Debbie: 22:52

Well, it's, I mean you can, but it was also. I remember, uh, like you were saying something about something became a surprise exercise in self-care and self-love. Is that what you're talking about right now? Associated with that statement that, uh, you had made um, was surprised.

Denise: 23:14

Well, at the time, back then, I feel like I was already in a place of. I was operating in all cylinders spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally, all of it Just so solid and so strong. And for a few years after that too, and felt like that was I had overcome that, or I had embraced the most unattractive surprise gift at the time that it was going to be like easy breezy. You know I was going to be speaking and do this nonprofit work and, passionate about sharing, turn your have tos into get tos and doing wacky Wednesdays and all the things. And my youngest child, when they were 15, I gave birth to three boys and two girls. My oldest daughter transitioned from this life to the next. My oldest daughter transitioned from this life to the next. My youngest daughter transitioned from female to male and that experience was, surprisingly enough, harder than Janae's transition. You know, through death, everybody, we got to see the beauty of humanity. It did not matter what religion, what politics, what part of town, what ethnicity, anything Like everybody showed up for this dying child without us asking. We didn't need to ask for food, for support, for fundraising, like prayer. It was all just showing up and it was amazing. And it was incredible and there was like this unity that was surrounded and a beauty of togetherness. And with Aaron's transition that was not the case. I mean, all the child wanted was and he was 15. And now know, now he's 25, 26, all he wanted was different pronouns and different name. People had such a hard time understanding that and not seeing the human being and the amazing human that he is, like I, I have found I was looking for something not even related to this last night and I found like two Day's cards, one's from Janae and one from Aaron. And he is the one that taught me that the masquerade party is debilitating and nobody should be forced to wear a mask to be invited into somebody else's party. So courageous to finally say because you know, there's gosh, we could talk for a week. He's a knight on the Enneagram, he's all about peace, he's about other people, and he really tried to step into the role and the void of being the daughter and the sister, when one was no longer there, knowing that he did not feel like a daughter and sister at all, and then it almost, you know it destroyed him, like wanting. He came out of it, but it was, it was a. It was a more brutal and a more painful thing for me as a mom to watch him because he didn't have the support that Janae did. He didn't feel like he was loved and the way that she was, and I could see the contrast as the mom of two children in pain, and how difficult and different it was, and that made me a better mom too. I would not have asked for that and yet I'm so grateful for it on this side of it because of everything that I learned and who has made me today.

Denise: 26:27

There was a time, early on, I was in this Facebook group of parents of transgender children and somebody had made a comment of how irate their child was, that they had pictures of them before the transition and I'd never really thought of were pictures activating Aaron that were of him, you know, as a daughter, and in feminine clothes and whatever. And so I asked him about it and he didn't really respond. And this is when he was in college. So, um, he was like no, they're fine. Uh, they're not in feminine clothes and whatever. And so I asked him about it and he didn't really respond. And this is when he was in college. So he was like, no, they're fine, they're not bothering me, I'm not activated like that. And so he went back to college.

Denise: 27:04

You know, this is when he was home on a weekend and a couple of days later I got a text from him and he said, you know the question that you asked me about the pictures? And I thought, oh, oh, now he's had time to process it and he's not here to see that and he's going to let me know that I need to remove them. And he sent me um, like a meme or a gift, and it said something to the effect of you can't love who you are today if you don't accept and embrace all the experiences that shaped you. Wow, beautiful. And he was like 18. Wow, I thought she's leaps and bounds ahead of of adults. People go their whole lifetime and don't know that. Um, and I'll jump into, uh, you know, the worst day of my life before that and and and just to. So Janae and I were always um, we yin and yang. She was like my mini me and we just gelled and it. I mean, it wasn't like every day was a party, but she did choose to make a celebration on days that you wouldn't think that you were celebrating. You know it was a smoother ride.

Denise: 28:11

Uh, with Aaron there was a lot of internalized, I think, I think emotion and and I was the safe place for any anger or anything that needed to come out. I was the place that he knew I was not going to leave or abandon or do it. You know like he could, he could do it. Um, and there was a lot of anger at that time anger, depression. He had suicidal thoughts, um, you know, like, like manic things where he would be fine and then all of a sudden there would be some rage that would come out.

Denise: 28:37

And the worst day of my life at the time not the day that janae took her last breath because, like I said, there was peace and acceptance around that outcome and knew it was coming and it was a totally different thing but, um, aaron had a girlfriend. He he at the time he had come out as gay, he thought he was a lesbian and his girlfriend had been there. I didn't know that, but he had washed her car and when I got home there was all those supplies from, you know, a car wash in the driveway and when I came in I was like who's been washing cars? And he said that he had washed Cindy's car and I was like man, I wish somebody washed mine. He said I'll do it and we'd had a rough week that week, me and him and I thought he was like it was an apology or a thank you, like a gesture, like an act of service, um.

Denise: 29:25

So a few minutes later I went out to dry the car, or help him dry the car, and he said how much you paying me for this and um, my marriage and financial situation. If I didn't have the money, even I wanted to pay him for it. So I said pay you for it. Like I thought this was like a, just like an act of service, like a something you know you wanted to do. And he said you're the worst effing.

Denise: 29:51

And he said the word mom in the world, you only had us to do your dirty work um you are not in my phone as mom, even in my contacts, because you don't deserve the title wow wow and got in his car and stormed off.

Denise: 30:07

I mean it was like a dagger to my heart. I mean I there was. When you talk about words, there's nothing. I don't think that could have been said Like I hate. That was worse than I hate you.

Denise: 30:17

And I remember I had a place in the basement like my little sanctuary, my prayer space or my place to go reflect or whatever. I immediately went downstairs and made peace with the outcome that if he drove his car because he had been in a, he had been in a hospital for mental illness or depression and suicidal thoughts so and he had just raged and got his car and drove off, I'd already let go of one child and I know the power of making peace with worst case scenario. I went downstairs and I guess that a prayer thought if he drives his cliff, his car off a cliff today, I will not receive it. That it was my fault or that it was because I was the worst effing mom in the world. I will not take on the guilt and I will not receive it that it was my fault or that it was because I was the worst effing mom in the world. I will not take on the guilt and I will not take that on Like that's his choice. If that's what he does Now, fast forward here. We have an amazing relationship. We got very close I've got his card sitting here too that I found last night of love and gratitude for those two children. You know, through seasons that were not fun and people would maybe not say were a gift, and find a way to say thank you or to say that it's an experience that helped, shaped me. That was difficult. That whole season.

Denise: 31:27

I learned about the surprise party, I learned about the masquerade party and in February of 2016, I guess, I fell into the pity party and the slumber party. I had filed for divorce. I'd been married for 30 years. I was packing up the things from the house and just wanted to get it over with and done. Some things happened that made me feel like my ex was playing shoddy mind games and I started drinking. I made phone calls to friends that were, you know, women friends to my mom. I was spiraling. I knew I was spiraling, but I could not stop the spiral. I wasn't getting a hold of the people that I was reaching out to. I wasn't finding the place to go stop that I needed to stop. So I just kept going and going and I did have an accident that night. It was alcohol related and I hurt somebody and I feel like that's the night the party crashed and that it was over for me. It took me a long time to find the self forgiveness that I'm not going to find from the woman that I injured or the family that is hers, and I understand that as somebody that always wants to leave somebody better off because of knowing me than worse I could not rectify. It took me a long time to rectify or find the peace and the gift and the acceptance of that. As somebody that has that's an experience that has contributed to who I am today and it's a very significant piece and I can connect with people.

Denise: 32:57

I never knew what depression was before then. I didn't know what anxiety was before then. I ended up in the hospital three different times thinking I was having a heart attack and it was panic and anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts. I never had like a plan of how I was going to hurt myself. But there were several nights that I asked God that the party had been wonderful and it was okay if he called me home and if it was over, because I wanted it to be. The pain was too much and I'm a seven on the anagram. I am wired for joy and fun and positivity and I gravitate to that and I could not find my way there in that, but I did find what self-love and self-care and forgiveness and peace can be when it seems like it's unreachable. And part of my mission now is to reach people. The video that you mentioned of me those are the videos that I do Initially. This is a beautiful way to show if you have a rigid plan and you're attached to outcome what happens.

Denise: 33:56

I created a surprise invite to help people that didn't want to leave their family with a dreadful funeral. I created a celebration of life videos to be a eulogy alternative. So there aren't people saying I didn't know Denise, but what I found out from the family this week is or horrible storytellers that don't even make a celebration of life fun because people just want to stand up and say whatever. Janae dreamt that she was a star in the hospital and she didn't want people to be worried and the dare that came to me way back then. That is the seed of this service and this business was. I sent out a memo. There wasn't going to be a visitation or funeral. We were going to celebrate Heaven's Newest Star with a red carpet premiere for Life Tribute video down at the grand. That was the first radical celebration of life and the first life tribute video. To show me what's possible.

Debbie: 34:41

Say it again what is it that? Because you went through that really really fast.

Denise: 34:44

Really fast yeah.

Debbie: 34:46

I heard it and then everybody else, jenea did not want tell us. Tell us from there.

Denise: 34:55

She did not want people to be worried or afraid about her. She didn't want people to be worried about her or afraid of her dying. She didn't want people to be sad. She didn't want people to be crying. We had a final barbecue when the doctors were like if you want a family gathering, you better do it now, because time is limited. We could give her high dose steroids to buy some time, but if you're going to do that, you need to go into action and do that. So we did have a family barbecue and when we were going to it she said I don't want this to be like mammals, like where everybody's crying and everybody's taking pictures, because it's the last time they're going to see me. If it's going to be sad, I don't want to do it. I told her and I had a shirt I made a shirt for myself that said security and I told her anybody that shed a tear or came with a sad face that I would bounce them right off the hill, because the barbecue was at my mom and dad's and it was up on the hill.

Denise: 35:46

So then you know, fast forward, a week or two later, she has a brain bleed and she dreamt that she was a star in the hospital. I knew that she didn't want people to be sad or worried. So I sent out a memo and I knew there would be pushback. This is another dare. This is another thing. People are going to think I've lost my freaking mind and that I don't have any marbles left and there's going to be pushback. But this is what she wants and I'm going to be a warrior and I'm going to do it. I'm going to be the mama bear and do what my child wants me to do.

Denise: 36:17

So I sent out the memo that we weren't going to do visitation, we weren't going to do a funeral. She dreamt that she was a star. We were going to celebrate heaven's newest star with a red carpet, premiere of her life tribute video down at the Grand. And it was a living celebration. A limo delivered us not to the funeral home, the limo delivered us to a red carpet out in front of the grand, the marquee red celebration of life starring janae taylor. It was a standing room. Only wacky wednesday on a sunday, um tina that runs the grant. She still, if I run into her, talks about how amazing that day was. People did not know what to anticipate and they could not believe what awaited and the party and the celebration of her life.

Debbie: 37:02

What that look like. Like. I'm. I'm picturing you, you you went to. Now I've seen the videos, so I like I got an idea, but the audience has no clue. So help us audially, see visually, what happened. You get there, you get out of the limo, there's a red carpet, there's standing room. Only when you get in there, and what is it, that happens? People see a movie.

Denise: 37:31

They saw. So there was a life tribute. Oddly enough I was a fitness competitor. There had been a camera crew from california here that did a story on me and how I worked out while she was in the hospital and there was interview back and forth between me and her. That was more about me being a champion for this organization. But when they found out that she was getting ready to party hop and I was doing the celebration, they came back and they filmed the celebration also and they also worked with me. They had me send them photos and things to create a live tribute video of Janae A lot of it using the stuff that they had filmed between me and her, and then me sending them other video, like of her when she was a baby or her, you know. So it was a beautiful overall story of her. You know, condensed to probably like 15 minutes or something, and we aired that, premiered that at this red carpet event.

Denise: 38:25

We did Wacky Wednesdays in the hospital. I still do. I was 15 years later. I'm still doing Wacky Wednesdays, whatever's on my calendar.

Denise: 38:31

She was missing spirit week at school when she was going through her bone marrow transplant and she was bummed that she wasn't going to be there for wacky Wednesday. And that's when that daring voice took over mine and said we can get wacky wherever we are. If you want to dress me up, I'll dress you up. We'll create our own wacky Wednesday. I thought it was just for that one day. She lit up like a Christmas tree at the thought of it, so I thought I'd make her happy for that one day. But it made everybody around us happy and it made us happy on Tuesday, wednesday and Thursday. Tuesday we would be thinking of what we were going to do wacky on Wednesday. Wednesday would be great all day, and then Thursday we would still be laughing about something wacky that happened on Wednesday. So it was like a three-day diversion or intervention from the sadness, sickness, stress and seriousness. And so I still do that to be an intervention of silliness, smiles and a world of sad, sick, stressed and serious.

Denise: 39:23

But the celebration of life was on a Sunday and people were asking me how they should dress to come to the celebration of life and we told them to come like it was Wacky Wednesday, even if we would just call it Silly Sunday because the event was on a Sunday. So there is video of people streaming into the theater with wacky hats and wigs and and we had people like, if people came and they weren't, yeah, glasses. If they went, boas, uh. If they came and they weren't wacky, they wanted to be. We had paint. We spray painted their hair, you know. We had a. We had stands, tables where we were celebrating heavens. Everything was star themed. We had small, medium and large stars. People could make a donation, whatever they wanted and write a memory of J'Nai on the star and we were going to hang them all up in her room. What else did we do? There was music.

Denise: 40:09

I remember when we got out of the limo and we were wheeling her in because that's the gift of a diagnosis and knowing that you're final like she got to attend her celebrate. Most of us aren't gonna know, we're not gonna have a heads up, um to plan a celebration and go to it, you know um. So she, we put her in the wheelchair. The limousine had, you know um, brought us and she saw her name and on the marquee and she's smiling it's one of my favorite pictures is her looking up and me behind the wheelchair and her looking up and seeing her name on the marquee. There were movie posters, you know Celebration of Life starring Janae Taylor, and I was the producer and the dad was the director and the siblings were her co-stars. You know the movie posters. It felt like a heart of God, like the unison of people clapping when we were coming in with such a energetic vibration as we came into the building. So it was a celebratory thing. We raised funds for Leukemia Lymphoma Society. We made it fun, you know, for them to create memory pages and write on the stars.

Denise: 41:06

We aired her video there. We all watched it in unison. Everybody got to, not everybody. She was tired. There was a part of it where we had her just behind the curtains, you know, sleeping in a recliner. But a lot of people got to see her and and say bye and and not be sad or hide their sadness, because that was what you know, what she wanted. Um, don't worry, be happy, with those big posters, big banners all around the theater. You know, to not worry, be happy. Frog is an acronym to fully rely on God. That's the epitaph on her tombstone is to fully rely on God. And there's a little girl, a little brass sculpture of a girl with a frog in her hand and on her shoulder and on her knee. So that's, you know, a symbol. You know that I use a lot to you know, fully rely on God and Aaron's journey. Like, I don't care what you call, I could call God my boo, I don't, it doesn't matter, people call me Deborah probably you too.

Denise: 42:02

I mean, people call me Debbie, Diana Half the time. They don't remember Denise. I don't care, I'm just excited that you are in connection and conversation with me and we're having this exchange and this connection.

Deborah: 42:16

The name doesn't matter and I feel like the loving entity, the creator of this amazing gift of life really doesn't care I have a question about your service, though, because one of the things when I was looking at the video and, I believe, your website, I I came away thinking that these were all parties for after they passed. So you do, okay, so you know the one with Janae. You did that for before. Have you done many with other people from before? Because I'd be digging that myself well, no, and I said so.

Denise: 42:52

I think so. But here goes that thing according to plan, right. That was simply the surprise gift experience to me of how it could look and how it could be. Okay, like I said, the majority so, and so I did not create surprise invite. So that was June 9th 2008 when she party hopped at her celebration of life was Juneune 1st, the week before. Because she knew um, in 2016, I thought my body of spirit were done, collaborating. Uh, I'm not afraid of dying. Like I said, I'm more intrigued.

Denise: 43:27

I don't have a huge trust in our medical health care and doctors and diagnosis. Now, ironically, after pumping a bunch of things into Janae's body, but, um, I was making peace with my. I'm getting ready to party hop. There's something going on. I'm not going to trust the doctors. Know what it is. I'm not going to follow their protocol.

Denise: 43:47

I do not want my boys standing in a visitation line for hours hearing I'm sorry for your loss and the majority of the people that come to support my boys um will not have known me. I've gone to more funerals of people that I did not know. I knew the father, I knew the wife, I knew the daughter and I left there knowing nothing about them, and I did not want that to be the case. I wanted to use Janae's example. I wanted that for my boys Not so much for me, but I've lived a fun, radical life and I wanted that to be communicated. And I wanted people to be communicated and I wanted people to feel that that came, whether they knew me and were celebrating me themselves or whether they were coming to support my boys.

Denise: 44:28

So, I reached out to a company that is now the conglomerate over a lot of funeral homes because they advertise that they do personalized parties, and I knew what party I wanted to. Okay, I'll just say I want I will have stilt walkers in the parking lot, aerial ribbon dancers and a tribal drum ceremony when you enter. Those are my three non-negotiables. And that's what I wanted this radical surprise party for my boys. They don't know what they're showing up for because I've pre-planned it and it's just a goofy thing that their mom left them as my parting gift. I reached out to this organization, this company, corporation. They came to the house, I told them what I wanted. They dropped their planner on my table and said you're like an Irish wake on steroids, we can't help you. And I said well, you advertise that you do. We can't help you. And I said well, you advertise that you do. Sorry, you know, we can serve Mamaw's favorite barbecue sauce or have a disco ball if you love the 80s, but we can't do this. So then I thought, ok, maybe an event planner, I'll find an event planner. Event planners would not even schedule a consultation with me because their first questions are when is the event and how many people are going to be there. So I couldn't even I couldn't even get an event planner to talk to me to say I can do this for you or I will do this for you. So I did have a sense of urgency because I'm like I want this.

Denise: 45:57

I was married at the time, um, but I knew that my husband, partner, spouse was not gonna follow my wishes. He would go down the checklist of the funeral director and the boys would have the very experience that I want to spare them. So I kicked it in to create a celebration of life video that I wanted people to laugh. So the video that you mentioned is my own celebration. It's like 35 minutes in length. I've condensed it to five minutes. I use my own in my promo for surprise invite. I created it to be a surprise gift for my boys in the future. Had no, no idea the surprise gift it was going to be to me in the present. That is what has altered when I say my plan, why I created it, who's hiring me and what for has changed. Because I'm being hired to do the videos for Mother's Day, for Father's Day, for a Christmas gift.

Denise: 46:46

A couple families the women had metastatic breast cancer. They want me to create the video for them to see while they were living, and then they knew that they would be repurposing it soon after as a celebration of life. I do them for brides and grooms to celebrate love, so I've created them. In the market that I speak to, the most is to do this for yourself now, so it'll be there for your family later. Um, it's been tricky because of the sense of urgency not being there and people thinking they have more time. Um, I've been hired to do them more by the metastatic breast cancer or somebody that's passed. So they're going to do a celebration of life six months after they passed because nothing was planned and nothing happened to really memorialize them at the time of need. So it's a little tricky to get this off the ground because it doesn't exist and people don't know really what it is.

Denise: 47:34

When I say that I do life tribute videos, like when you saw it, there's no way for you to know what that means or what I do to collect and layer those stories and for somebody to get to experience this washing of love and the world reflecting back to them who they are. It's no different than when you look in the mirror and what you think you see in the mirror and what other people see. Like you think you know the life that you're living and the impact you're making, until other people say it back to you. Now, here's part of the surprise. It until other people say it back to you Now here's part of the surprise. It's so beautiful. I love getting to create this for people because it's just so packed with love and light and fun and laughter and celebration of life. So I wanted to tell you.

Debbie: 48:14

I want you to say it, but I want to give the people an idea of what it is, because what I think that you know, because you do it, and the thing that I would love for the audience to understand, is you get the information, the names, the phone numbers, whatever of the person you're doing the video for.

Debbie: 48:33

You contact them and somehow whether you go to visit with them or somebody else records them you get recordings from them and then you cut and paste. Now you probably have specific questions, like what's one word that describes this person, whatever and then you compile all this together and it's this amazing show of other people honoring the person that the video is being made for, whether it's before the end of life, after the end of life or whatever. So I wanted people to like you say it, but I'm like I don't know if people are getting what that means Right, so I just want to make sure they understand. You're gathering all this detail and then you like the creative aspect that you have put it all together and create this movie essentially for them, for this loved one, okay.

Denise: 49:27

I shoot it. I shoot the video myself, like the people. So there's somebody that's going to be celebrated they there's only one person that knew the video was being done for them, like they hired me to do, and that's who I thought I was being done for them, like they hired me to do, and that's who I thought I was creating this for. People like me that would want to do it for themselves or for their family. I've only had one person hire me to say here are my people, here are my friends and family. I want you to talk to and ask me questions and do my video. The rest of them. Somebody is going to be celebrated A mother for Mother's Day, a father for Father's Day, a wife for an anniversary I've had a husband hire me to do one for a wife for an anniversary. They I have them. Give me, depending on the package they purchase or how long they want the video to be five, 10, 20 contacts, names and numbers. Let them know that I'm going to be reaching out to them for a special project that we're doing for so-and-so. So then I coordinate and I schedule appointments If they want to come to me, if their house, like I, try to make it easy, convenient for them. I will go to their house if they want me to. I'll meet them wherever it's convenient for them. If they don't think there's a place good at their house or that, then they come here to my place and I get the videos, I edit them and then the person gets to hear a whole timeline. Like mine myself, I went and found a high school, an elementary teacher, a high school tennis coach, high school friends that I haven't talked to in 30 years and I thought I knew the memory they were gonna share. I asked for a story. They would tell somebody that's never met the person Like what is a story you would tell somebody that's never met me, either inspiring or funny, because I want it to be uplifting, you know, for my purpose. I always thought I knew the story or memory that was going to be shared and it was never my memory, which was so much fun to hear their story or their memory. And I never. And then I didn't know they would keep going and they do Like. They do Like I get asked for a story and they'll say let me tell you something else, denise, that I remember and in mine I'd be like I'm going to be dead. Talk about me in past tense, which is a fun blooper reel at the end of it. But they would not. They would go beyond the story. I remember when you did this I, you know the world, they would. It was just like. Such a like I said a shower of love for me when I wasn't doing it for me. Such a like I said a shower of love for me when I wasn't doing it for me. I was doing it to give my boys something to smile about or stories they've never heard or something to remember. You know that was new to them, like the surprise parting gift for them. I had no idea that it would be it for me and that's why I promote to do it now for all occasions. Celebrate life and the living now. Give a very unique gift now and it'll be there for you when you repurpose it later. Go ahead.

Denise: 52:08

I thought I was dying of breast cancer. I thought, with what I was feeling inside me, that if I go there and say it's breast cancer, I'm not going to believe them. I'm not going to do any, I'm not going to do the protocol. I'll just live out my days. You know ignorance is bliss or whatever to call just live out my days. You know, ignorance is bliss or whatever. It was my breast implants. They were made once I found out about breast implant illness, which I had never heard of, and once they came out and my body went, yeah, um, all of that was for this purpose for me to create this business, for me to see a problem that's not being solved, a way to experience something that we have not yet known is could be an experience, and so all of that, you know, is filtered in to make me who I am today and passionate in the way that I am, in order to carry it forward and make a difference, you know, in a myriad of ways.

Debbie: 52:54

You've had an incredible journey that you have gone through and it has brought you to this amazing space of creating these videos for people, which I absolutely love. So we're going to make sure that we put links and contact information in the description so people can go see the video and, if they want something like that done, contact you whatever they want to do. But I know that you also have a couple of developments. You're going to briefly, but I know that you also have a couple of developments you're going to briefly tell us about that you're super excited to announce. You want to share what those are.

Denise: 53:28

Sure, and I will be brief. I will say like this is the epitome of not giving up and being perseverant, because, like this has been over 16 years. You know, 16 years since Jenea Partyhop. Over 16 years, you know 16 years since J'Nai Party Hop 19, since the diagnosis and when the perspective and the want to get it out there in massive ways to make a bigger impact, wacky Wednesday went away and it came back. We Get To Speaking. Engagements went away and they came back.

Denise: 53:56

Yeah, I have a book Heavenly Birth, a Mother's Journey and Daughter's Legacy. That is the memoir that I kept not knowing it would become a book. It became a book in 2016. I was given a vision that it could be a beautiful Christmas movie because her bone marrow transplant happened December 21st. My birthday is Christmas Day. The relationship that we had, the awakening that we got to experience Christmas in a different way than anybody else, I thought thought make a beautiful Christmas movie. And, as of this year and right now a writer is converting that book to script for us to pursue and find the movie company that will make it a Christmas movie. That's the first one.

Debbie: 54:36

Wow Okay, I know, yeah, I mean.

Denise: 54:39

And she said you know, this could be a long, difficult road. I'm like I'm used to long and difficult, so let's, let's go, it's not going to stop me, that won't deter me, let's do it. And then I randomly about a month ago, found a casting call for a reality show competition for entrepreneurs. They're going to film this season in July, but I've made it through all the casting and I will be a part of that experience in mid-July. I'm in the midst of fundraising now. It's not like American Idol or Amazing Race, you know, it's a new show. Lots of people want to hear people sing and watch people race, but not everybody's into the entrepreneurial thing, so I get to pay to play a little bit. Oh, that's so cool.

Debbie: 55:25

Well, we'll also have that information down in the description. So, deborah, yeah.

Deborah: 55:33

So I have our closing question that we ask all of our guests, and I'm excited to hear your answer what is a deepest wish that you wish? For our audience, or for people, or for women? What is the deepest wish that you have?

Denise: 55:52

Oh, I thought I knew. I think to start with yourself and know that the greatest gift in your life is you Like, uniquely who you are and what you do with it, and then I would think the second thing would be to take pause and see how you can see that things are happening for you, not against you or to hurt you, and to convert the gift in that and how you can use it. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard, but my deepest wish would be that people would know how to do that. The way that I have because it's what's gotten me through like what seems like tsunamis that are that you can't recover from is to take a step back, have faith, have trust in God, in yourself, know it's a gift and figure out how to say thank you for it and then to use it for yourself and the greater good of all yeah, connecting to our inner shero right?

Denise: 56:44

absolutely yes, we all have it anytime somebody says you're amazing, I always say I'm gonna say it to the mirror, like I'm reflecting back to you. We all are, we're all amazing. We all have the same capacity to do the same thing. It's a matter of belief I wouldn't even say belief, but knowing. And then how do you get to that part where you go from believing it or hoping for it to knowing it? And when you get to the knowing part, it changes everything Absolutely.

Deborah: 57:13

Absolutely so. Denise, thank you so much for sharing yourself, your story and your unique gifts with our audience. I know this is going to spark some major creativity for some of our listeners and for our audience. If you love what Denise talked about and want to get in touch with her, we put all of her contact information in the description box, so be sure to reach out to Denise if you want to know more. I mean, I love what she does and, thank you, shiro's Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much for joining us and, as always, we invite you to love and care for the Shiro in you. Bye.

Denise: 58:02

Bye, bye, bye, bye.