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Start Here to Find Out - What's Blocking You From Making Your First $100k?
Connect with Me
IG: @matthewpaetz
Start Here to Find Out - What's Blocking You From Making Your First $100k?
In this episode, scott and I talk about the importance of taking responsibility for your change and becoming someone you can be proud of. Scott Samak is a filmmaker who has a wide range of amazing projects under his belt. His latest project is called Earthbound. It's a docuseries about environmental changemakers and how their work is impacting our future. This conversation is for anyone who is going through a major transition in life, be it your career, family or personal. What you'll learn is how Scott, becoming a father, shifted his drive and his motivation, the impact of identity crisis on family relationships and dynamics, and learning how separating your anger from your actions is the key to creating a meaningful life.
Speaker 1:Well, first off, brother, thank you for for hanging with me. Um, yeah, so I'm super excited about this. I have a couple you know, as we were talking a little bit, you know, leading up to this. This is just a conversation that we just happened to be recording. I don't do the whole official thing. We'll do the intros and all that stuff later. This is just you and I chatting. Reasons why I'm very excited to connect because, although we've had really only a handful of one-on-one conversations in the past, every single time I've been left inspired and curious and intrigued by everything from the work that you're doing to your perspectives, to your evolution that you've described to me. And now, knowing you, know that you've gone through a major one recently, which I'll be excited to hear a little bit more about shortly. Yeah, the big, the big one.
Speaker 2:I know this is what. So in case you got to get through it, this is dad juice. It's just straight espresso four shots.
Speaker 1:Fair.
Speaker 2:It's the key to fatherhood. So four shot, fair, key to fatherhood.
Speaker 1:I love it, just dad juice and therapy.
Speaker 2:That'll get you through that. Dad, juice and therapy is all you need in life.
Speaker 1:That's awesome. You should literally market, uh, the strongest coffee you could possibly come up with as dad juice and just like, yeah, you'll never have to worry about money again.
Speaker 2:This, this will be a audio worry about money again. This. This will be a audio proof of that copyright.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's right. You have an official track record here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there it is.
Speaker 1:That's amazing. Well, on that note, I would love to know as, as you know, title in this, this podcast, and really the name of my, my business that I just launched is more than a business, and the reason behind that is, you know, I truly believe that our businesses no matter what the craft may be, but our businesses are really the greatest vehicle, I believe, that exists to transform the narrative of our lives right. To transform, you know, where we come from to what we can create, to transform. You know who we believed ourselves to be versus who we can become, and the reason why I say our businesses are the greatest vehicle and this is with respect to not being a father myself yet but the one thing that I do know for sure, though, is that your business, unlike anything else, is 100% always an unapologetic reflection of self right, because your business will never outgrow the person leading it Right. And, unlike children, your business really, um, uh, unlike children, where they're kind of a blank slate right and we can project ourselves onto them in many different ways. As much as they're individual, they're very impressionable, whereas the business, you know markets, customers, clients, circumstances like it doesn't give a damn what we're struggling with or what our thoughts are or beliefs Like it's either going to connect or it's not, and if it's not, that's a challenge for us, as anyone who who's running their own show to face whatever it is that you know is blocking it, and I find that the majority of that is is always going to come back to self right, some limiting belief, some strategy you know et know, etc. That's often what's in the way.
Speaker 1:So that's kind of a a longer version than I anticipated sharing about why, uh, you know, I've titled this more than a business, because for me it is exactly that. Your business is actually more than just, you know, earning money, but really it's about the personal transformation necessary to be able to create something that not only you but your family can depend on Right. And, more importantly, I believe it's about creating uh, or aligning with a mission right, a mission driven uh approach to to business versus just a success driven or profit driven approach. And I'm not here to poopoo on one or the other, but I definitely lean hard on one side of that coin, which is the mission side, and that's something that I think you know. We quickly realized that you and I have in common, and with that I would love to know you. Just you alluded to it earlier. Uh, you're a brand new father, um, and I know that's that's pretty recent. So first off, congratulations.
Speaker 2:Thank you, thank you so much yeah.
Speaker 1:You got the yeah, it's awesome.
Speaker 2:It's fucking awesome. Uh sorry, First of all, pause real quick. Am I allowed to curse on your podcast?
Speaker 1:Go fucking nuts.
Speaker 2:Okay, first of all, pause real quick. Am I allowed to curse on your podcast? Go fucking nuts. Okay, I'm an east coaster through and through in that sense. Yeah, let it shine. It's just, it's a, it's a word that just fits in between.
Speaker 1:We have other words instead of um, it's fuck, it's fine yeah, it's always fun.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, this kid. This kid is uh, uh, you know we can't judge him at all for his first word becoming fuck or motherfucker or something like that. Because Carly and I both man, it's just that just comes out.
Speaker 1:You'll just be proud parents.
Speaker 2:It just is what it is. You can use it in the house, you can use it around us, Don't you know?
Speaker 1:who knows, just use it correctly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just use it correctly. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:I love it. Yeah, yeah, just use it correctly. Yeah, exactly, I love it. So, but thank you, thank you, I appreciate it. Yeah, I'd be super curious and I'm asking, you know, like selfishly, because, like I said, you know, I haven't become a father myself yet and you know that's something that you know, allison and I have. I think we're beginning to wrap our our heads and our hearts around the reality that we do desire that at some point in our lives, you know, we'll be older parents. I'm 39 now and she's 34. But the the question I would be really curious to hear your thoughts to is you know, how have things changed for you as far as, like, your drive, your intention, your intention, your motivation, you know, since becoming a father? Right, I guess, like what was it knowing you were going to be a father to? Maybe what has shifted since you know he's, he's, you know, been brought into the world?
Speaker 2:right, right, uh, that's on our hearts and minds constantly and that is something that we think a lot about. Um, we don't quite have the answers for it, and I'm saying we, cause we are both parents and we parent the same child. So, but me, as an individual, it's like I can go on and on about this Cause like it's been such a interesting experience becoming a father during a time where uh experience becoming a father during a time where uh work, work has been our main driving specifically sorry for myself.
Speaker 2:I've attached myself to work so much it became a problem and I didn't really grieve certain things I'm. I can I can explain my use of grief in that way in a second but I didn't really realize how attached to work I really was and still am, and it's been trouble. It's been trouble and I'm kind of going on a little bit of a tangent.
Speaker 1:Go nuts.
Speaker 2:I'll get to your answer then. But during the time where our industry has also gone through a strike and that work again being taken away and I say again as in reference to the pandemic as well so it's been two huge hitting things in a row and then becoming apparent over the top of that. So it's been actually pretty damn difficult.
Speaker 2:Trifecta that. So, uh, it's been actually pretty damn trifecta. Um, yeah, it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been pretty hard, but you know those. It allows us to self-reflect and it allows us to look at the things that are more valuable. And you know, I can't tell me how many times I've broken down, crying, just like coming to the realization of what's important in the moment, like there's times like I remember our big, our big hurricane that we had in July. They were supposed to have here in LA. It was like, and a kid was touching rain for the first time and I was like, and I was just, I was just beating myself up at the time and seeing him in the rain.
Speaker 2:Oh God, dude, that is like. That is like the most valuable moments, when you can just put everything else aside and you just are so in the moment, with like, with your child.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And it is the coolest, coolest thing, and I, I, I'm honestly I'm going to go on a tan, I'm gonna keep going on a tan, I'm going to keep going on a tangent.
Speaker 1:Don't stop.
Speaker 2:This is the gold. Yeah, I can go into greater detail for sure, but just on the briefer end of it it's like I went back to grief.
Speaker 2:Before becoming a dad, I wish somebody would have told me about grieving our past life and I thought I had it handled, similar to when I'm going to hit you with all the heavy shit. It was similar to when I lost my mom. When my mom passed away, I was like, oh yeah, I got this. Of course I got it.
Speaker 2:Losing more work, becoming a father, being afraid of not being able to take care of a kid, taking care of our bills, all that kind of stuff, right, um, not working, not going out, traveling is a big part of my happiness, and you know, being on sets and whatnot, and uh, that kind of being felt like it was being taken away and I just I struggled pretty damn hard, felt like it was being taken away and I just I struggled pretty damn hard. And I think if somebody would have given me the advice to sit with a lot of that beforehand just being like in gratitude, not being like, oh shit, life, life is going to be different, I'm going to be a dad and everything's lost it's like, no, there's so much that is going to be gained in your life. If somebody just told me that you're're gonna gain a lot in this moment and just sitting, gratitude of the things that you did have so far up until this point, that kind of built, that foundation for you to become a father and just sitting.
Speaker 2:Gratitude of that I would have been. I think I would have saved myself months of of uh beating myself up so you're yeah it uh, it's fascinating. It's fascinating, it's fascinating. Becoming a father is one of the coolest things ever.
Speaker 1:So there's a few things here that I I want to take as far as as we we can. Uh one I absolutely love what you're sharing, but I'm super curious. So when you say, becoming a father right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:What do you mean by that, beyond just the physical reality that you have? You and your wife have created a child, right, but when you say becoming a father, what does a father mean to you?
Speaker 2:That's a great question. Yeah, and the reason I'm laughing is because I don't know if I have an answer for that fully.
Speaker 2:Yet yeah, just just throw stuff at the wall, because carly and I, yeah, yeah, but carly and I reflect on this and we've discussed this. It's like, like, how did this happen? It was. It's like almost like you don't realize that you're a parent, but you are, you're doing all the things to be a parent. But you know, especially in the infancy stage, it's like you don't really get a lot of opportunity to reflect on those things. But now that he's six months old, we're starting to like what does this mean? Like you know what kind of parents are we x, y and z, because we're no longer in the trenches of it, uh, in the, in the like the, the. You know the first couple months, which you can be pretty rough, but I hear you get a lot of sleep during that time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it's great Best sleep.
Speaker 1:Don't believe the hype. Is that what you're saying, dad juice?
Speaker 2:Dad juice. Yeah, no, I discovered espresso during this time. So that says it all Um, ever to espresso during this time. So that says it all um. But yeah, I, uh, to be a becoming a father, um, you know, I, I, we might have to think about this for a second, I, I think, because there's the selflessness, but I would say A, it is frightening. I thought I wouldn't be that afraid of it and being okay with that for sure, thinking about the years ahead and thinking schooling, and are we going to do daycare, or what's the world going to be like? Even you ask yourself that question. Oh my God, what a tailspin you get if you put yourself into it, like, what is it going to be like in 10 years? You know, like you know. So I would say okay. So that, actually, I think, brought me to my answer.
Speaker 2:Here it's just fatherhood is being and it's going to sound. It's so cheesy and cliche, but it is being present with your child and taking a day to day. And I think if you take a day to day, you'll learn a lot about yourself, You'll learn a lot about your child and, at the end of the day, that's all they really care about is the day to day.
Speaker 1:So if you can meet them where?
Speaker 2:they are, I think and again, I'm a new father, I don't have the answers to these things, but you know, I'm kind of discovering this as we're talking about. It's just like meeting him where he is, I think, will allow me to be the best father that I can be. I love this. Um, I saw a thing, uh, b Ryan Holiday said something about it was on Daily Dad or something like that, when he was just saying it's like you know, and I didn't read anything beyond the sentence, but then it made me think about it.
Speaker 2:It's like you know, if your child reaches their hand out to you, like, don't deny it, like you know, grab it. Grab his hand, hold his hand, and you know again it grab, grab his hand, hold his hand, and you know again. I don't know what, where he was going with that, because I didn't read further than that, because I do read all the stuff, but like in that moment I wasn't but um, I think that allows me that metaphor, or at least the, the imagery of that allows me to recognize how important it is to just be present with him.
Speaker 2:so, yeah, I've been sitting outside with him almost every day now, cause he loves watching the cars go by Um and we've been sitting out in the driveway and just like watching every car go by and it's been the most relaxing thing. And I hate cars, I hate traffic and I hate the sirens, I hate all this stuff and I tell Carly this all the time. I the time just like I just want to move, I want to get away from all this stuff, but like my son enjoys it, so I'm out there with him and he, he eats it up, man, he just kicks his leg and wiggles and has a great time watching things go by.
Speaker 1:It's like it's, it's great, it's, it's so amazing, you know, to be able to see something through the eyes of someone that's seeing it for the first time. I think that's such an important moment and I think it's one that could easily be missed, or you can find yourself distracted, you know, and obviously with a child, I have to imagine it's. They're so frequent because so many things are for the first time Right and and you know what I'm remembering we the moment that sticks out for me and and this is uh, allison and I traveled to Italy, uh, two years ago and it was the.
Speaker 1:You know, I've been very fortunate in my travels, um, you know, when I was in my 20s and whatnot, and this happened to be the first time that Allison was going to Italy and something that was on her bucket list. So being able to do that with her was was really special. But I'll never forget one of the. There was two moments that I saw that I that I forever ingrained in my mind and the. The first one is when we, when the plane touched down right and she knew she was in Italy, right, that moment, right. And then the second time, that's, it's like walk through the airport and like seeing her, like eyes wide right.
Speaker 1:And then the second moment, uh, that I'll never forget was, you know, we'd made it to the hotel or the airbnb, whatever it was we were staying at, and you know we got ready, we had a dinner reservation and uh, you know, so she's getting all dressed up and looks amazing. And then, when we walk out to the street and we're walking distance from from where this restaurant is, uh, and watching her explore, you know, the, the streets of Florence in her dress for the very first time and like taking it all in, like I'll never forget. I was fortunate enough to get a uh, a little video of that, that moment, like watching her turn around for the very first time and I was recording it, she didn't know, um, it was just awesome. But to see, to see things through someone else's eyes, I think, is probably one of the greatest opportunities to experience joy that we may, that we so often, I think, either miss or don't recognize.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, no, 1,000%. Yeah, through our partners, through children, through friends, through family, through all that stuff, seeing them, you know that's. It's interesting that we kind of have to dis what's the word being right.
Speaker 1:We're not dislocate jesus uh, it could work, we don't yeah, I guess I will say disengage, I don't know.
Speaker 2:Disengage from our own experience because, like you know, in those moments where you can take yourself out of it and I don't know if it's a, it's a direct reference but it's like you know, we watch television, we watch movies and we try to get things in toys from another person's perspective it's like why are we so, um, attracted to that?
Speaker 1:you're seeing somebody else's perspective, um, I wish more people were attracted to other people's perspectives.
Speaker 2:I know, and that's a huge.
Speaker 1:It's not about agreeing with them, but allowing yourself to be open and curious about them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, let me. Before going on, first of all, I just want to acknowledge that, like that's cool that you had that experience with her and that you were able to have that moment where things slow down. Things are moving in real, real time, but things slow down. Very nicely for you that, even though you have the recording, you're still going to remember it yeah the recording's nice.
Speaker 2:You know it is nice. It's like you know anything with ziggy, like we were always going around taking photos and all that stuff, but it's like you know the rain moment. It's like I wasn't recording that there was no, no football car. I technically snuck one, but that is far more potent. And, um, you know, I yeah, I do, I do wish, I do wish more people would take, jump out of their fears or whatever their reasons will be, like why they don't want to jump into another person's perspective. They're protecting themselves, their vision, their identity, their ideas, their philosophies, whatever it may be. Comforts mostly, um, they're all excuses, they're just all excuses yeah, 100.
Speaker 1:Unfortunately, most of it's subconscious, they're not even aware yeah, 100.
Speaker 2:Um, I know, for example, uh, you know some people in my life and I just just to protect their identities. Just know some people in my life and I just just to protect their identities. Just, you know some people in my life they're so fearful of leaving the same zip code, or you know, and they have legitimate reasons for sure, like you know, some things you can't get around, like health, like that's, that's, that's a legitimate concern.
Speaker 2:But you know, certain those, those people also said the same things concern. But you know, certain those, those people also said the same things. Like you know, don't change me, like, don't, give me your perspective, don't, don't, I don't want to think differently, literally words. I don't want to think differently. This is who I am and that's that sucks man like that's.
Speaker 1:It's heartbreaking and.
Speaker 2:I understand it and I got to respect it at the end of the day. But you know that's sad.
Speaker 1:I think you just said something really important there, right, which is it's clearly not something you subscribe to, right, but you followed that with. I understand and I respect it, and I respect it Right, that those two things, I think, are what is so is missing in so many of these conversations that so quickly turn to conflict. Right, that are just unnecessary. Right. Rarely are we ever and I mean this literally rarely are we ever arguing about what is right or wrong. Right In a very black and white sense. If you listen to arguments with your spouse, with your friends, you know, fucking politicians or whomever, right. Often, majority of the time, however you want to quantify it, the argument is not about right versus wrong. It's about your way versus my way. Right, and if people were to allow themselves to see that it's not about being right, but rather become more interested and curious about how to get it right?
Speaker 1:And what it right means is really whatever is the, you know, what is the option, what is the strategy, what is the circumstance that will have the greatest benefit to the whole, not just the individual, and that might, that most likely will require all of us to. You know, give, give something, give up something. You know, have to. You know, maybe it's something we genuinely care about, but, just like any successful team ever, it requires all of them to give up something of themselves, something they may care about deeply even, in order for the entire thing to work and accomplish a greater, a greater goal, a greater mission. And you know, I think the thing that is the greater mission in my opinion is really it's about fulfillment. It's about, you know, identifying something that you know gives our life a deeper sense of meaning.
Speaker 1:Right, versus this, I would. It was unconscious for me and it's obviously so many things still are, but I would say versus this, this need to feel significant by ways of status or being right or whatever you know that might be. I think if we were to pursue more opportunities of fulfillment and meaning and inspiration is another word that I love like, instead of looking for happiness, I'm a huge proponent of looking for what inspires us right and uh, and this is a lot of this stems from, from understanding just the biology of how we process experiences and and how that creates emotions and etc. Um, but I think if, if more people saw inspiration right, the level of fulfillment and joy they would find in their lives, both in the present and in hindsight, would I mean it would be significant. I believe it has been for me.
Speaker 2:So what do you? What do you think in your own, from your perspective? Like, what blocks inspiration Cause I think a lot of people you know, especially us in the creative field, like sometimes we'll have those creative blocks or whatever. I'm not just talking about like specific things, but just like there are moments for myself, I feel it's like a desert, Like I don't feel inspired by anything for short, short periods of time.
Speaker 1:Of course.
Speaker 2:Like sometimes or whatever, but like. So it's a two part thing thing. One, what do you think gets in the way, uh? And two, how does social media relate to that? Because I think a lot of times we see our lives in other people. Right, and I have to shut down social media at least three times a year for like two to three weeks spans, because I feel like all my inspiration is coming from other people's lives and I feel sad, I feel worse about myself, I feel X Y Z.
Speaker 1:I love this question and you know what came up initially when you asked what do I think gets in the way? I believe so. The very first word that came to me was fear, right. But to go even deeper than that, I think it's the fear of uncertainty, and I think you already touched on it. Inspiration will change you, right, you can't be inspired and closed-minded at the same time, right, it won't work.
Speaker 1:So the, I think what often scares people and I see this all the time, you know, being very fortunate to work in a, to have chosen a craft, or to have been chosen by a craft in some ways, um, you know, to, to, to help people through transformations, more more specifically identity transformations, which I'll get to in a second, because we've been hitting that a few times, I think unintentionally, but I think that's the biggest thing is people are afraid to, they're afraid of of the uncertainty, right?
Speaker 1:Because, without fail, when I talk to someone and I and now I ask myself this question quite a bit, you know, when I'm getting ready to do something that is, um, requires some courage, it requires me putting myself out there, committing to something, saying no, like very clearly saying no to something else. You know, these moments are very terrifying, or can be. And you know, one of the biggest questions I ask someone when they are talking about their vision or their goal or whatever it is that you know exists in, in their, their future, that they're, they're, you know, kind of um drawn to. Uh, it's not about potential, but the very first question I'll ask is what are you afraid you'll have to disrupt in order to achieve that?
Speaker 2:It's a huge question, right.
Speaker 1:Like, for example, you were saying earlier about becoming a father. You said travel is one of the greatest source of happiness, right? I forget exactly how you phrased it, but something along those lines. It doesn't matter, yeah, right. And in becoming a father, especially in the very beginning, you know, as I'm learning and understanding through your experience, you don't have that. That opportunity isn't as available to you. We'll call it right. In order to do it would probably require a lot more effort, a lot more resource, a lot more whatever than than you've become accustomed to doing it on your own. Then then you've become accustomed to doing it on your own. So you know it's, when you think about it's like, well, once, one of the big fears about becoming a father. Well, it could be you'd have to disrupt that relationship to travel as it currently stands. Right, but right, and, and what I firmly believe is that you know you were talking about grieving earlier and grieving past, past experiences. I think this is one of the most important conversations people can begin having, and I hope that this inspires people to consider this in their own lives.
Speaker 1:When you look at your life, a lot of what people they're doing one of two things right.
Speaker 1:They're trying to. Either, a they become so hyper focused on trying to keep things the way they've always been Right, they're working their ass off to not change anything, all while things are changing 24, seven Right, Despite their control and their desire. Or you find that some people become so driven and inspired by the uncertainty of the blank canvas ahead of them, right and their ability to influence what could be who they could become. Or and I say influence, not control, right, very, very intentionally, um, because I believe that what we, we all desire is to have greater influence right In our lives. But in order to do that, you must take responsibility right For the influence that you naturally possess. And for me, a big part of it was. I realized that my transformation to to go from the identity transformation specifically, and when I talk about fatherhood, that's an identity transformation, right, that you're talking about, and you know there's, um, there's a quote, uh, in the movie lines for lambs, if you've ever seen this no, oh I think you would be very interested in Lions for Lambs.
Speaker 1:I also.
Speaker 2:I also side note I get in trouble a lot for this stuff. It's like oh, you're in the film world, you should be. Did you freeze up?
Speaker 1:Oh no, I'm here.
Speaker 2:Okay, Okay, yeah, I get in trouble for this. A lot Like oh man, this movie I haven't seen that movie or it's like an actor, an actress I the other day I didn't know somebody.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:And then I just got shit on.
Speaker 1:Well, let me, let me, let me go ahead and even the playing field. I have never in my entire life seen a single second and I do mean this literally of star Wars, uh, any of them. Uh, uh, any of the, the fucking Lord of the Rings, or, um, the Harry Potters, or any. And it's not that I shit on it, I'm like I've never seen a single second of them, but I would, I could tell you every single line of bad boys, cause I think it's the greatest cinematic thing ever created, mostly Cause it taught me how to curse when I was young, so it'll forever hold a place in my heart.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, here make a mental note of what we were talking about for a second Cause. I just have to go down this road for a minute. Okay, my version of that is sound of music. I've never seen it.
Speaker 2:I know the uh the deer, uh uh, female deer jingle, I'm going to call it a jingle and I just everybody just shuddered, it loves sound. I'm going to call it a jingle and I just everybody just shuddered, it loves sounding. It's a jingle. But no, I do that a lot and you know bad boys. I'm so happy you said bad boys, cause most people are not going to say that and you like it and you don't care if it's Lord of rings or if it's. Let's go down to a deeper road, scorsese always be like.
Speaker 2:Oh, dude, I can talk about this all day. Like you know, there's brilliant movies like Terrence Malick, scorsese uh, you know, there's all these masterpieces, right? My favorite movie is a movie called about time and it is with Rachel McAdams and it is a rom-com and it is amazing.
Speaker 1:I love it.
Speaker 2:It is. Have you seen?
Speaker 1:it. I have not, but I love this for you.
Speaker 2:Please go watch it. Oh God man, it ruined me. It ruined me when I saw it. But you know most people won't. You know they'll be. Oh, you know, you got to like Shawshank Redemption. I was like yeah, that was my favorite for forever and I you know I have reasons for that, but like those are great. There's reasons why these people are masters in their craft and like whatever, but like what makes you feel the best is all that matters oh 100 and and and just enjoy it like oh god, I love that movie.
Speaker 2:Man, you gotta watch it. I'm excited for you. You gotta text me. You gotta text me when you, when you watch it all right, I'm sure, if you like it it's, it's cheesy, it's about time travel and it has rachel mcadams and dom hall gleason and bill I can't say his last name, I should know, but bill nye, is that how you say it? I don't know.
Speaker 1:But oh, dude, the father-son relationship angle in that is just wonderful massive point right there and, by the way, I don't think I'm gonna have any trouble selling allison on watching a rom-com, so that's probably got a very high likelihood. Oh my god you guys gotta see it. Um, you're gonna cry, you're gonna cry. Oh, dude, I cry. By the way, I cry watching so many things. Like if we watch america, um what is america's got talent?
Speaker 2:like if, if someone hits the gold buzzer, I'm in it's fucking tears guaranteed oh yeah, okay, so you and allison need to take a selfie when you watch this movie and like I don't want. Okay, now I'm doing the thing. I hate too, though. I hate when people hype something and then it's like it goes all the way up here and then they're like but why can't it be all the way up there for you, even if it's not for them?
Speaker 2:it is all the way up, it is. It is all the way up there for me and it's like you know, uh god again. Go just to, just to reflect. Go back to the original thought, if you can. Uh, just mine I'm taking notes. We're good okay, I don't want to disrupt you no, no, no but it, it.
Speaker 2:uh, when I get amped about stuff I have to keep going and the espresso is kicking. But um, yeah, I mean, I go, I, I love, I love, my course, that I've taken with films and and music and I was such a snob and I was like I only like this thing and I only you know how many accolades does this thing have. So therefore, I like it. You know that kind of shit and like people just sit in circles and they just shit on something and God I love. I had a conversation with my buddy, andrew Garrity. Shout out to him, I guess.
Speaker 1:We'll tag him in the notes.
Speaker 2:And we're all around all these like snobbish, like conversations about like films and stuff, and he's like favorite movie that he talks with is Cadence, so favorite movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall, it's a great movie. It's a great movie and I like and it like shocked people. We're like, oh, oh, my god, like, really like that shit. He's like yeah, it makes me feel good, it's funny, like, but that is, isn't that?
Speaker 1:what it is right. Yeah, that's what it's all about. Yeah, and and I'm gonna say it again, like, don't ever come off the tin, you know, because it's something you love it. I let like you know how many people have told me like I'm a fucking idiot or whatever, because bad boy is my favorite movie? I'm like, I don't give a shit, this is my favorite movie of all time. There's not a damn thing you can do to change it. I'll watch it right now, but I think it's you know. Going back to even the identity piece, but before I do that, the reason why I brought up Lions for Lambs right, we were talking about identity transformation.
Speaker 1:Yes, there we go. Right, we were talking about identity transformation. So there it's a robert redford movie. Uh, he the cast is is stunning, um, but it's him and I think it's andrew garfield. And I'm not a movie person at all, but this movie really sticks out to me.
Speaker 1:Tom cruise, maelstrom, derrick loop, it's fucking michael pina, like it's this just for the fucking. It's like watching an all-star game if you're a sports person, it's 100%. But Robert Redford plays it's multiple perspectives of the war in Iraq at the time. It's very like present moment and that's. It's an older movie now, but it was the war in Iraq that it was, you know, building around and it was multiple different perspectives, right? So Meryl Streep is a journalist, tom Cruise is a general politician, like was valedictorian at West Point, like the you know the very like ivory tower intellectual type, but never saw combat. Then you have Robert Redford, who was a college professor, who is a veteran of, I believe, the Vietnam war, if I'm not mistaken. If so, forgive me. And Derek Luke, michael Pena play characters that go to fight the war because of the mission they believe in, and it stems from the. They're in Robert Redford's class and it's a project that he presented the class and it inspired them to actually go enlist.
Speaker 1:And then, this moment that I'm referring to the reason why I brought this up is this conversation that Robert Redford is having with Andrew Garfield's characters. And Andrew Garfield plays this, like my words would be almost like this pompous, very high level, educated like freshman or sophomore in his class. That's like challenging everything that Robert Redford's talking about, right, but he's challenging it from this position of, like a young kid that doesn't really. He just has the, he has the knowledge, but he doesn't have the understanding, right, and Robert Redford is sitting there with the wise man. He's like I'm going to tell you exactly what it's like because I've been there, right. And so Robert Redford says this, this quote, and I might mess it up a little bit, but that's okay. Robert Redford says this quote and I might mess it up a little bit, but that's okay. And he's talking to Andrew Garfield and he says you know, the interesting thing about becoming an adult is, by the time you realize you are one, you've already made three decisions as one. Oh, I love that. And if you think about the message, right, it's like by the time you realize, you're well within this identity, right, like you were saying you know a guy with, with being six months in now as parents, and now you're beginning to reflect back on the fact that you're parents, like it's actually a thing that you are now Right and you're realizing it's like who, what kind of parents are we? Et cetera. It's, it's what you're saying. It's like you know, by the time you realize you are a parent, you've already put six months in as one right and this is so true for so many right.
Speaker 1:I believe this is the, the source of, like, the, the quarter life and the midlife crisis that we often talk about, these moments in people's lives, these seasons and what I think those are. If we go a little bit deeper, under the hood, I think what they are is an identity crisis and, more importantly, I think what it is. It's you enter this phase of crisis not because you're broken, not because you're wrong or whatever, but when you like. I believe it's when the former identities, shelf life has come to pass, but you haven't yet evolved into the next level of whatever stage of life you're in. Right, if you think about this with empty nesters you hear it all the time Like when the kids leave the house, they go.
Speaker 1:Parents can go through an identity crisis, right, because the reality is they may still be operating from I'm the mother, I'm the father, but they haven't quite accepted the fact that they, their children, are now grown adults living their own lives, right. So if the parent is still I'm the parent, do as I say and the child is like, fuck that, shit, shit. I'm living my own life, right, love you, but no, that emptiness, that midlife crisis phase, right, can be very disruptive. They are very disruptive and I just think, really, what we're talking about anytime, we're talking about transformation. This is why goals and resolutes the beginning of the year, right now, for anyone that's listening, resolutions are a hot topic, naturally, in the beginning of every year.
Speaker 1:And if you think about what a resolution really is, it's a goal, it's just some milestone. Someone wants to achieve some arbitrary checkpoint. They want to reach whatever it is. But if you think about what goals or resolutions are, they're external motivations, right, they're external things, right.
Speaker 1:And the problem and correct me if you've had different experiences right, but what I see is one of two things happen, right, in most cases either A, the person doesn't reach the goal right and they feel like a failure.
Speaker 1:They feel like they've, you know, whatever that narrative might be for them, right, but they don't reach the goal that they've set.
Speaker 1:Or they reach the goal but are unable to sustain whatever it is right Be at a level of success financially, be, um, you know, a fitness, a diet, I mean any number of things right, and what I believe is happening it's less about the person's abilities has a lot more to do with their identities, right, and it stems and I'll say this last thing and turn it over because I'm curious to know what you're thinking so, really, this, uh, this aha moment came for me when I was, uh, I was listening to a Ted talk.
Speaker 1:Um, it was a gentleman by the name Peter Sage and he does a lot of work with psychology and sociology and neurobiology and this kind of stuff, and he teaches a lot of personal development for entrepreneurs. So he's, he's in my life and he's given this Ted talk and he says this thing, that root that stopped me dead in my tracks. I'm literally in the kitchen cooking and, you know, just trying to wise in myself, if you will and he says human beings are people. I forget how he phrased it, but people will never outperform the opinion they have of themselves.
Speaker 2:Right, if you think about it.
Speaker 1:that's exactly what you were referring to earlier when you said there's people that you know, right, that are committed to not changing their thoughts, their ways of thinking, because they don't want to change. Because this is who I am Right People will never outperform the opinion they have of themselves. So how this relates to goals and resolutions is, even if someone achieves that thing that they set as a goal, if that exists outside of the identity they hold true for themselves, right? If I believe I'm an angry person, being kind when I'm upset is probably not going to be sustainable for me right.
Speaker 1:Or if I believe that I'm not smart enough to to to launch my business, then even launching the business, even if I see success, if I believe I'm not smart enough to launch my business, then even launching the business, even if I see success, if I believe I'm not smart enough, that's not going to be sustainable. I'm going to eventually, you know, shut things down, pull it back, because it doesn't. It's living outside of my identity, right, and I think you see this a lot with with parents, right, when people become parents, if they have not yet stepped into or started to ask themselves, what does becoming a father mean to me? What does becoming a wife or, I'm sorry, a mother, but I was thinking. It also is true for relationships going from, you know, the identity of someone who's dating a girlfriend, a boyfriend, to the identity of a husband and a wife. You'd be in the same same person, same relationship. Those are very different identities.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right.
Speaker 1:Right and I think a lot of the struggles that people have in their relationships and in their family dynamics is you have an old identity trying to hold the responsibilities of the new reality.
Speaker 2:Old identity trying to hold the responsibilities of the new reality.
Speaker 1:Are you a coach who has been struggling to do everything yourself. I mean all of the content, the emails, the marketing, not to mention, every time you open your phone, there's a new social media strategy that someone is pitching that just makes you feel like you'll never be able to keep up, when all you really care about is helping people in a meaningful way while building the kind of coaching business your family can depend on. I'm Matthew Pates, the founder of Momentum, a growth agency that specializes in helping coaches, just like you, break through your first 100k. If you're a coach who is tired of trying to figure it all out themselves and you just want to build a business that works, then I'm going to encourage you to click the link in our show notes to take your 100K coaching assessment to find out if you're ready to unlock your six-figure potential today.
Speaker 2:Yeah, 100% today, yeah, 100, and that's definitely stuff that I think is imprinted in our subconscious and it's things that we've created over time or other things that we've created and made an influence on that, and that's the hardest thing right is to try to release the subconscious in some kind of way and make room for new things, new ideas, new whatever. You know. You said a lot of really impactful things and and and I'm going to have to think about this afterward about how my identity is getting in the way of certain things, cause even even though I can identify that in other people, it's like how is that happening with me currently, right now? That's something I'm going to reflect on actually, after. So I appreciate you sharing that thought.
Speaker 1:Well, let me encourage you with this while you're on that note. So, instead of the identity of where you are, I would encourage you, at least at this stage, to brainstorm, right, Cause that's what it is at first. But brainstorm freely, without judgment, right, which is the hard part for any of us, you know, when we do these types of exercises. But brainstorming what the identity of a father whom you would be proud of, what's that identity? What are those characteristics? And I've been doing this work for a while, Like becoming a father, has been a big part of my transformation.
Speaker 1:And what I mean is it's because, stemming from my childhood abuse and all these kinds of things, like the two roles I was most afraid of in my life were becoming a husband and a father. Right, For those that don't know the sexual abuse from you know, the starting at the age of five to 11 with a male was my story. And then my relationship to my father has not been one that you know I would want to have with my child, and I don't say that to talk shit or paint my father in a bad light. I think he's. I think he's a phenomenal man that you know. The only difference between he and I, quite frankly, is whether it was circumstantial, whether it was generational, whether whatever it was. I think the only difference between his struggles and mine because they were very similar was he avoided work and confronting them head on, Whereas I leaned into him Right by way of circumstance, because I was making decisions that nearly ended my life. So I had no choice if I wanted to move forward. So that's the only difference between he and I.
Speaker 1:But I say this because in my, my world, my two biggest fears were becoming a husband and a father, because those are two identities, two roles that for the longest time, subconsciously, I had decided I would not be able to survive and I don't mean that metaphorically, I mean literally because I had made a commitment to myself that I would not become the version of the experiences I had as a child. And I said, I told myself this came out in one of my journey psychedelic journeys, therapy, not casual was that I had committed to. If I had ever ever done anything, said anything, felt the energy of something that I believe would be inappropriate in the presence of a child, then I would see to it that I wouldn't survive, to see the following day as a sacrifice to never becoming the monster that I experienced.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Right. And the other was, you know, seeing the way that my father and other men in my my life treated their wives and their families, and the disappointments and the shame that they carried, which came out as aggression, I also committed to like if I ever became that man that's something I didn't know that I would survive, Right? So those two roles were my biggest fears. Right, Self-preservation says don't become either of those things. So what would happen? How do you think that showed up in my relationship?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It wasn't a lot of rom-coms and cuddling. No, no time travel, yeah, yeah yeah, uh, it was more like drugs and anger.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but but that, yeah, that's, that's more. I think that's more grounded in reality.
Speaker 2:I think, considering you know I haven't had your experience, I can't speak for you but, you know, I think you know it is more grounded in reality for most people to come out in that way and you know, to be able to again and correct me if I'm wrong. It's just like to to see those things and forgive it or, you know, have some sort of processing that's that's gonna benefit, I think yourself you know a lot of times that comes out destructive.
Speaker 2:I've seen that in my life too, and people that harbor it and they don't face that, or I'm not that kind of, I don't have those thoughts, I don't have those feelings.
Speaker 2:I don't have you know, I can't tell you how many people recently, to just you know and not to go on another tangent or do but or do, or do, but just like having this is going to go to a different area but just having suicidal ideations or feelings or, uh, having you know, I experienced that with my own mom um, you know, to a degree it's actually sorry. That's kind of a side but it's just more so, like having those things be like oh, that's not me, that's that. Why am I having those thoughts?
Speaker 2:because that's not who I am you know that kind of stuff and it keeps getting pushed, pushed, pushed, pushed, pushed and um, then it comes down to destructive ways you know and I think personally, I think being able to own some of those ideas and feelings, especially with myself, like I've never been suicidal but I've had thoughts of my own life expectancy.
Speaker 1:And what?
Speaker 2:would it be like if I wasn't here, and that's scary to face. You know what I mean. That's very scary to face and you know. Then you have your own identity, you have your own idea of yourself and I'm a good person, but you know to associate with it. But you know, I think the healthiest thing you can do in those moments is seek therapy or seek your own um, your own inspirations, in that too, to and owning, owning some of that, and it's like I had to do that for myself too, with those ideas and just being okay like this is happening, you know, and I'm okay with that I have to be okay with it, because for me to survive this, I have to be okay with this.
Speaker 1:Yeah and to be okay with it doesn't mean, uh, that it's comfortable or that, no, yeah, you support it. Like, being okay is not the same thing, as you know. I'm just gonna let it take over, right, very different.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, very true. Um, I'm trying to connect back to what you're saying. So. So I mean, sometimes, when I have a thing, I just say that, but yeah, no you're good.
Speaker 1:Well, what I mean, what I want to come back to, is you know again what I think we're talking about. You you mentioned earlier, which is, I think it's so necessary one to create the awareness that a different phase in our lives they become, it's different identities, right? It's not about goals and results, it's truly who we believe ourselves to be and we'll never outperform that opinion. So, but the beautiful part is, is that opinion is, is it can evolve, right, it can grow. And if you, if you look at life and I mean literally, thing anything with life in it, right and I don't mean that you know spiritually, metaphorically, I mean literally, if it's got life in it a tree, an ant, a human, whatever the fuck.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, if it has life, it will do two things guaranteed without fail. Right, it is hardwired to do two things Grow, grow and add value to other life around it in one way or another, whether it's a food chain, whether it's you know these bugs are.
Speaker 1:You know they hatch at this time, which sends a fucking ripple over into the continent and like, if you really get into that shit, it's why you old. How connected everything is Right. It's absolutely insane, but it's true. If it has life in it life force call it it will do two things. Naturally, it will grow. I mean, look at your son today versus when he was born.
Speaker 2:Whether you want it to or not, it he's growing yeah right, because that's what life does which, as a parent, is a trip man oh, I can't we have. We have that thought and carly carly's been saying lately. She's like yeah, my baby's not a a baby anymore.
Speaker 1:I'm like I mean, he is, he's literally right, but like you know, but I get it wait, we have a baby yeah we're about to move him into another room and we're like wait, like this, this weird, this is weird, you know, but anyway, go ahead, keep going, but I think the important thing is is, when we try to stifle that growth ie the identities right, the, the way things are, the depression that we experience, the, the feeling of, of being repressed, it can it comes out often as destructive right, whether that's destructive behaviors with alcohol, drugs, food, sex, all the above, or, you know, our behaviors towards one another, very aggressive and destructive right A lot of that. No one in life I've ever met and I mean this myself included. I've never met someone who was genuinely inspired by the work they're doing, who is genuinely connected and is in gratitude for the love and the relationships they have and is also hell bent on fucking hurting other people in some way, shape or form. I've never seen those two things exist in the same space.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So, yeah. Good.
Speaker 2:No, I was just going to say well, no, I want you to finish your thought first, cause I I have some feels about certain things on that, but it's. But I agree with you 100%. Um, nobody I, I, you're wow, yeah, nobody I, I you're wow, yeah, I mean nobody's hell-bent on it. I think some people have a hard time with the person that they see themselves and what the impact they might be making or the footprint they might be not acknowledging at the same time, because I think there's a lot of people that, like they have great intentions and they mean to do well and they mean to do all those things, but I've seen the opposite too, where like they'll do all that and no, they're not hell-bent on it, but they leave a fucking footprint behind yeah, leave a wake a lot of people I heard a, a quote that really sticks out for me uh, that's come up a few times in conversations.
Speaker 1:recently is, and I remember reading this years ago, when I was in the midst of my really dark phase, and all it said was until a man heals himself, he'll be toxic to anyone who tries to love him. And it hit because that's exactly what I was.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right.
Speaker 1:I was operating from this place of shame, this belief that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, whatever all the things, enough to be the man that I knew. I was, deep down, right, but my life was not a reflection of what I knew I could be, and that's what led to the behaviors and instruction and nearly the you know nearly making the ultimate decision. Um, for me personally, um, but uh, what was I saying? Cause I just had two points and they just subtracted each other.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, we were just talking about foot, but while I was talking about footprint, cause you were talking about the two things that don't we. You know, people aren't um hell bentent on. You know all these different things and we listed a few things, but uh, if they are connected in in their inspiration and no I thought this thing, sorry, this is all gonna be cut.
Speaker 1:No, it'll come back to me, I thought this thing, there we go it'll I trust it'll come back to me um but this is also how real thoughts work.
Speaker 2:So yeah, yeah, no, something popped up on the screen, was it something?
Speaker 1:important that she needs and you're just like, no, we'll do that but that's life, man.
Speaker 2:I mean, yeah, so that you know something popped up on the screen I thought it was like ending for some reason.
Speaker 1:Jesus uh, I don't know what that was, but anyway, um no, we're good that disrupted my but, like the I think you know, just to kind of backtrack a little bit and maybe find the footing, you know where we were. It's. I think the biggest thing is getting clear on you know who we want to become, right, like, genuinely, who do we want to become? And or, if you've already, you know, know, circumstance has, you know, kind of thrusted you into a new identity, right, such as you became a father, you became a mother, a job loss and illness, whatever it is. I, I believe that the oh, I know the point I wanted to make, but I'm going to close this loop first point I wanted to make, but I'm going to close this loop first. So I believe the important thing is that we first must accept the life that we have lived. This was what, this is what was necessary for me. I had to take responsibility for the life that I'd already lived, both the circumstances that I that were brought to me, you know, when I was a child, et cetera, and the choices that I had made that I did not, specifically the ones that I carried a lot of shame around. I had to accept them Doesn't mean I had to agree with it, but I had to accept them. So when I took responsibility for my past ie doing healing, facing it, owning it you know all the things, which took years, still happening. By the way, it wasn't until I took responsibility for the past that I could then take responsibility for who I wanted to become.
Speaker 1:The uncertainty of the future, right, and I think too many of us are trying to take responsibility for the future without accepting and taking responsibility for our past, which is why it's unsustainable. Right, we're trying to overcompensate or override these, these programs, these thought processes, these. You know the shame that we all of us carry at some level by appearing better, right? Shame that we all of us carry at some level by appearing better, right, versus. Let's just look at that shit, get honest about it for a minute, uncomfortably honest, and then find safe support Like you were saying, you can't do this alone Finding a safe space to be able to share, feel seen, feel understood, without judgment and criticism, so that you can begin to unpack and explore and become okay with that yourself.
Speaker 1:I mean, you agree, right, but you're okay with it, you accept it, so that you then can direct that energy and have the ability to step into an identity. That's very, very different, right, and the point that I was going to make earlier that I wanted to connect it's I think so many people are spending their, you know, when they hit that moment where they realize they're doing things or they become a version of themselves that they don't respect Right, one or two things will happen in those moments. You'll either double down on justifying it Right, or you'll accept and take responsibility for making a change Right, so that you can stop, you know, leaving that footprint, leaving that way being destructive in those ways in which you don't even respect. It's not about the ways you think that your mom wants you to change, or your wife or your husband or whomever, but we all have those things that we don't even respect, about the behaviors that we're participating in Right.
Speaker 1:Those are the ones that matter Right, because it's not about doing it for someone else. It's about becoming the person whom you are proud of, whom you respect, and I've never met someone that has become someone they're genuinely proud of, that isn't making a positive impact on the lives around them in some way, shape or form yeah, no, that's interesting.
Speaker 2:yeah, I mean how to reflect that on the self, because, like, it's easy for me to see moments of of my own life where I'm not proud of things. Or did I build up a idea of who I am and that is what I'm more attracted to versus you know the person I know I should become in certain things? You know what I mean. Like there's certain things, like certain characteristics throughout my life I'm not saying specifically right now, just like where I know I, I know I'm not proud of who I am in this moment, but I'm I'm like holding onto that, like in a weird way, but like, no, that's, that's, that's exactly who I am. It's like this, this is it Like, and it's like almost like, like hurting yourself, like I feel like I'm hurting myself to remain the same person, but I'm not not, I don't know I'm trying to. What's fun about?
Speaker 1:these You're outgrowing the cage.
Speaker 2:Yes, exactly.
Speaker 1:That discomfort you're feeling is literally the. I would consider it like the soul is outgrown the cage. It's like, you know, if you put an animal in a cage and it's too small, it's, that animal is going to be in pain, it's going to be in suffering, right, that's how most of us are living our lives. We are designed to grow. We're going to grow naturally, whether we like it or not. Things around us are going to grow and change.
Speaker 1:But if we are committed to this cage, this limited perspective, it's going to create a lot of discomfort, right, and that's putting it lightly. And that's where I think a lot of the feelings of depression and and the suicidal ideations and these like desires for a different life, you know, comparison judgments, all that stuff start to run rampant is when we are in this state of the. The natural thing that's inside of us call it soul, called a spirit, whatever, you know, one's relationship to that is. Whatever that life force may be, it's growing, whether we like it or not. It's yearning for expansion, whether we like it or not. But if this thing up here, this mental construct, that what that we subscribe to is keeping it bottled up in this little like three by three box.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're going to experience a lot of discomfort in your life yeah right period and you know, something for me, like when I was in that place again, my anger was, is where is how it came out? Often, in the beginning of my relationship with allison, it was very, very like I was very aggressive at times verbally, and I never became physical, but it was very. I was all but Right and I say that openly because, you know, I think it's important to be transparent. But I remember, like Allison was the one that taught me this. You know, when it came to my anger, she'd always say, like you know, whatever it was that I was upset by at the time, she's like your anger is justified, like it makes complete sense why you're angry. I get it. If I were you, I would probably be angry as well, even if it was her that had upset me in some way.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But what she said next is what and she and I heard this a lot it just completely changed my life, which is she's like your anger isn't the she's like, but it's how you treat me when you're angry. That's not okay, and it was the first time in my life someone had ever separated the two things.
Speaker 2:Yes, I was always told it was my anger was my problem. That's good man.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, but I felt justified in my anger, so you're gonna tell me what I feel justified is wrong. Fuck that. I'm gonna double down. She's always. She said it in the conversation.
Speaker 2:But that's real good because I can see that in myself big time. But, carly, too, just in my own moments of discomfort and anger coming through and leading with anger and not being able to separate it. I like that that.
Speaker 1:That's really good and what I learned. So at that time I learned and this is very, you know, uh, reflective of of what I witnessed in my own father, um which was I had to be from balance to me to keep a relationship in my life, whatever. Whatever that looked like balance was I had to be as kind as I was angry. Right, it was like the scale. They were two separate things and they had to avoid. They had to like balance in some way. I had to be as kind as I was angry. What Allison kept challenging me to do she's like what would it look like if you were angry and kind at the same time? What does that balance look like?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And it was the first time I was like, oh wait, a fucking minute, like you can do that, like that's a that's possible, because I'd never in my life witnessed that anywhere. Right, and, by the way, on this note, I also want to highlight your work and the importance of it, because, because I didn't have an example in my life that I I recognized it may have existed in my life, but I just didn't see it Right or wasn't attuned to it. But the first example that I was attached to to of anger and self-control at the same time was the show suits.
Speaker 2:Ah, interesting, I haven't seen it. Another one of those things.
Speaker 1:That's fine. I'm obsessed with it. Right, it's like bad boys to me. I'll tell you it's the greatest show that's ever existed. Why? Because you know it may be or not be the greatest show, but because the impact it had on me and the impact that it has on me is the characters in the show. It was the first time I'd ever seen someone you know be really triggered, be really pissed, really offended, and keep their composure yeah right and what I learned was you can.
Speaker 1:you can feel that rage, you can feel that that was you can. You can feel that rage, you can feel that, that disrespect. You can feel whatever it is that you're feeling and it might be justified. You might even be spot on Right. It might be appropriate.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But don't make it worse.
Speaker 2:One thousand percent. That's the stoicism virtue of temperance. It's like just being able to control your emotions. When they happen it doesn't mean they can't have them. I think I'll have to write you stoicism in that sense like they just think like oh so if you're stoic, you don't have emotions. No, it's just how you identify and control them and how you deal with them this came up last night.
Speaker 1:One of my favorite things when working with men, specifically around emotions, is uh, how often a man will say to me I'm not emotional, I'm not the emotional type, I'm like fair understood.
Speaker 2:You're the most emotional human.
Speaker 1:I think yeah right, I'm like fair understood I was like but let me, I'll literally ask him. I'm like but let me ask you this is like how often are you angry? Oh, all the fucking time, everything pisses me off. I'm like oh, but let me ask you this. I was like how often are you angry? Oh, all the fucking time, everything pisses me off. I'm like, oh, you want to? It's like so, can we revisit that not emotional part? Because, despite what you're saying, anger is an emotion, so you're very emotional as a matter of fact, exactly, oh, my God.
Speaker 2:Yeah, carly. Carly likes to call me for my shit too, cause like Carly likes to call me for my shit too, because I don't say that. But she knows my things in life are anger. Anger happens easily. For me it's always a battle.
Speaker 1:I respect you for admitting that by the way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I appreciate that All life experiences leading to that point.
Speaker 2:Right and uh, anger wins some days, I win some days and it's just but it's, but it's just it's. You know it's part of it. You know that's why I brought up temperance anyway, because still this has really helped me kind of have some ideas around that and help shape some things. But, um, you know she calls me out for my shit sometimes and just be like you're cause, like I'll be like, oh, why, why are they like? When things in judgment start happening to other people, like oh, why are they so emotional about it?
Speaker 2:You know, and she's like you're one of the most emotional people I know. Like, what are you talking about? Like yeah, you're right, shit, don't tell me who I am. Yeah, but it's always me, me. It's always me, in a way of being like hey, that's the part of myself I recognize, but I don't necessarily want, but it is real and it's like I I'm okay with it, but I'm not and I'm just putting that on other people and just be like okay, why, why is that making me uncomfortable?
Speaker 1:you know right and again I think it's another way that's helped me and and perhaps we can bookmark this you know the the thing that's really helped me in developing a new relationship to my emotions and to anger specifically. Uh, because I believe that's what it is. You know, people talk about healing and and wanting to be fixed and all that stuff. It's that's not how this shit works, right, healing really is nothing more than developing a healthier relationship to whatever the thing is Right, period, right. I don't care if it's your anger, I don't care if it's your diet, I don't care if it's your relationship. It's developing a healthier relationship to that thing that feels like healing. So my relationship to anger became this. It was when I learned the difference between being in it versus being with it. Right, it's kind of like, I imagine, you know, when your son is throwing a tantrum for whatever reason, right, there's a difference between being entering that tantrum with him you getting hijacked and you know, losing your shit, whatever that looks like versus being with him while he's throwing the tantrum.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Right, it's a very different thing and it's the same with our, our, our own, like they call it, like the internal locus of control, right, like where it's. If you're starting to feel angry, it's that difference between I am angry too. I'm feeling angry. Right, I'm getting angry.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm experiencing anger and I know to many they're like that language is fucking silly and stupid and foo-foo and whatever, but it matters yeah, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 2:No 100, right it?
Speaker 1:matters, and another way that I like to look at this, just to give a visual, is have you ever surfed?
Speaker 2:yeah, I surfed. Oh okay, you would laugh her ass off if I said that like yeah, yeah, I surfed.
Speaker 1:I haven't been out in a year, so yeah, okay, but you've been in the water with a board once or twice.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, yeah, for sure I don't surf.
Speaker 1:but I've been out there. I've gotten my ass whooped right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is the way that I like. So when you're swimming out in the wave like it's busting your ass versus being with the wave.
Speaker 2:Of course yeah.
Speaker 1:Right, the goal is to be with it. Is that not the point of surfing?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Right. When you can get up on that board and you can leverage the power and the momentum of that, that current, that that massive water, it becomes fun, yeah, but when you're in the wave it's terrifying, even life-threatening, to be quite honest right, yeah, didn't they?
Speaker 1:but yeah, I'll have if you're ever going to do it right. But that's, that's this. This it's a. It's a perfect metaphor for our emotions. Right, when we're in our anger, we're just it's like being you don't know which way is up, you're just getting tossed around. But when you're with your anger, you actually learn how to maneuver this thing and leverage its energy to create a more powerful positive outcome for all, not just self.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Right, it's a very different approach to the exact same experience, just like surfing yeah, no 100.
Speaker 2:There's so many metaphors for surfing, it's unbelievable the good stuff is the.
Speaker 1:That's the good stuff, right, if it's. If you can simplify it to that it's, it must be real I'm the king of tangents, but I'll just do this right now.
Speaker 2:it's like, uh, you talk about, um, surfing, and it just makes me think of the happiest I've been in the last four years, other than so, not the happiest I've been, the happiest I was during the pandemic time you know it was. It was fucking frightening, obviously, and it it was like before we knew what was going on, whatever, worried about losing work, losing about all that stuff. But surfing is what both me, andrew Garrity, what we attach to.
Speaker 1:He's one of my best friends. I love it.
Speaker 2:But we went out surfing like three days a week. Oh, it was the best man I've never. Like you think about the world and how awful everything was and and, uh, you know, losing work and like not being able to make ends meet and like all that kind of stuff. But like, dude, we were just so happy just being like, we were just, we were just being, we were existing, we were just going out and having fun and even though even those things, like you know, we were getting wrecked and yeah, we had some pretty big days of paddling out on things we shouldn't have paddled out, and then it's just like um, we just looked at each other like why don't we do this more like this?
Speaker 2:would make everything else, when we do have work and we do have these things and we get hit with all this stuff, like it would balance life out a little bit better. But you know, for some reason we're so close to the ocean but we still don't do it, so it's kind of anyway again another metaphor we're so close to the solution, but we don't even do it we don't want to do it. It's so easy, it's so accessible.
Speaker 2:It's so accessible, but it requires that and that change of thought, that taking responsibility yeah, well, that's exactly why I haven't been out for a year, though I mean there's real reasons, like Carly's pregnancy, having a kid, all these things are kind of like to you know, me making reasons why I couldn't go.
Speaker 2:But you know, some legitimate some, maybe not, but yeah, it's. It is that we are closer to solutions than we really think we are, and I think that should be comforting and, and, you know, comes around to sort of my mantra right now and Carly, I brought solutions than we really think we are, and I think that should be comforting. And and, uh, you know it comes around to sort of my mantra right now. And Carly, I brought it up to her the other day she's like that's, that's kind of a negative connotation. I'm not at how I use it, but my, where we are currently, with having a kid coming back out of a strike, all that stuff, I'm just kind of like fuck around and find out, like that's my, I know it's usually like fuck around and find out.
Speaker 2:Like we're going to. We're going to you know, you know someone's going to be. Yeah, Usually that's used in a term of like you know someone's, like you know, fuck around, find out. Like you're getting into a fight, but like no, no-transcript, just being like you know I'm not this thing. I been the last few years like I'm done with that, like that's, that's part of life, and I was like that's part of becoming a dad. I think was helpful, it's like even though it sucked for a few months of just like battling, like why am I feeling these things? Why I just became a father? I should be super happy, I should be. You know all these things I should be, I should be, I should be. You know it was killing me and and, uh, you know, I just I'm so excited to just let it all go and turn into this new evolution, like evolve into this new person, this new thing. And uh, yeah, just open, staying open. It's really beautiful.
Speaker 1:Sounds like you're going to fuck around and find out.
Speaker 2:I'm going to fuck around and find out.
Speaker 1:That's amazing, brother. I don't know if there's a better, better place to put a look mark than that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, is there anything?
Speaker 1:we miss Anything you want to talk about. We can always do it a hundred more times.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's true, that's true. I know you talked about integrity and work and those kinds of things and I don't think we I don't even know if we even touched on that or not.
Speaker 1:I don't know if that's important to you or not, but we can always go back to it later and this is, you know, literally the um, uh. I don't want to bookmark that part. So the the reason why I love that I decided to do the podcast platform versus anything else. And it kind of goes back to your social media thing and this will be the last thing I got to do, cause I got to wrap up and go to another call. But it's authentic conversations with people that inspire me, like all of the moments that we had in this conversation. You can never script Right and when it came to like obviously you know social media is as big of a monster as it is, obviously you know social media is as big of a monster as it is, you know it's.
Speaker 1:It's that because of the power it it has, right, the ability to connect with so many and all of these amazing beautiful things. But for me, like you were saying earlier, like the moment I open it, like I'm not. I mean I posted a few things recently because I'm kind of like just testing a few things and just kind of reintroducing myself to it, but the reality is, from from here on out, like I, I'm I've hired a team like I'm not fucking touching it, like I have no interest whatsoever in being on social media, not because I am just like anti-social media and I'm like fuck that. Like the relation, what it does for me energetically, I do, like saying I, I do not, it just it's it sucks life out of me instead of giving life to me. But I, what I'm a firm believer in and this is really the whole premise of the offer of my new program, um, that I've just launched the beta version, at least the the main premise was that, you know, I I believe in.
Speaker 1:You know that your business gets to live online, not you, right? So the strategy, the marketing strategies that I've identified, that are, you know, the most effective for me and people that have similar relationships to social media, it's all about that your business gets to live online, but not you like this. This one and a half hour conversation that we've had, it's recorded the 15, 22, 38 things that can come out of it. You know, edit it, snip, bullet point, whatever that gets to be social media stuff, right, I'm not touching it, I have an editor doing it. I have a team that's posting. That's just my plan, right, what I get to do is spend my time in conversations with people like you and we get to riff and go down fucking rabbit holes and, you know, do all these things and you know we'll pluck the gold out of the conversation. And then the whole thing gets to live on a platform, if someone ever wants to just listen to a conversation.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't need the podcast to be successful. I don't fucking care.
Speaker 2:That's the best.
Speaker 1:It gives me the ability to do this.
Speaker 2:That is the best man. It gives me the ability to do this. That is the best place that you or anybody could be in, is not caring about the result. And you know. Obviously, to some degree you have to.
Speaker 2:You know for certain things, but, like you, got to know where you're headed I don't want to be so loose with it, but to be in a place of just enjoying the process and being exactly where you are and sitting here. We can sit and do this for three hours, we can do this for five hours, like we can keep going and going.
Speaker 1:Especially with your espresso.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I would have to go and get more, and you know but I'm thinking about that a lot myself lately too is like you know what? What is something that I, I can just continuously do, and you know, paid or not, and, um, you know, and then still, it is stuff I do, it's like photography. But if it got the career stuff got pulled away from me, uh, tomorrow I'd still do it, I'd still take pictures, I'd still enjoy everything you know, um, but that's, that's a huge place to be in and I, I want to, uh, I know you have to go, so I just want to, um, uh, acknowledge that like you're doing exactly what I think you should be doing, and it's like you sound so empowered by it. You're helping others, you're identifying yourself in all of it. I think you're learning, as you're going to, just like I did in this conversation. I sat here and I was, and you know, and then I'm making these weird faces. I'm going like this because I'm like you know, thinking but I can't.
Speaker 2:It's stuff I'll process later, Right. But you know, I'm just acknowledging that and I respect you a lot for doing that.
Speaker 1:And also the social media thing, just being able to be like that's not for me no-transcript at the moment, like yeah you know, you hear people say, find your zone of genius and all that stuff and, and you know, when you really start to lean in, you start to understand what that means a little more. It's like when we always, we always say, like things are cheesy, usually the cheesy things are actually wisdom, but it's only cheesy until you experience something that connects you to what that actually means.
Speaker 2:It's a great bridge. Absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I think, when we say cheesy.
Speaker 2:We're just afraid of how people are going to look at us. You know like when I said about time like oh, yeah, it's cheesy. It's like, yeah, it's cheesy. But really, when I'm saying really, when I'm saying it's cheesy, it's just like I'm just like well, don't judge me for liking something cheesy. You know like I just yeah, it makes it feel good. That's all that matters.
Speaker 1:So, as you know, I recently the best advice one of some of the best advice my mother gave right before she passed this past year. We were talking about the fear of judgment and how she lived her life smaller than she wanted because she feared the opinion of others, and it was a very real conversation. And when she found out she had cancer four years prior to her actually passing, she started to live Like her diagnosis. Actually, she began to live, which translated to her living much longer than every doctor predicted.
Speaker 2:By the way, that's a whole nother conversation but you can go on and on and on about that, because, like, if I continue, but yeah so literally within the final it was, it happened it in hindsight it became the final days of her life.
Speaker 1:Her and I were talking, talking, and we were talking about this thing specifically and I was asking I was like you know, looking back on it now from from where you are it's like what, what do you want me to hear, what do you want me to know? And she literally said fuck them. Like that was her advice, that's my kind of person.
Speaker 1:She was like when it was about the opinion of him, I was what do you like? What's the one thing that you know? If I can carry a baton forward, like what is what is? How do you? How do you wish for me and anyone? But it happened to me in the conversation. I was like how do you wish me to live my life from before? And she's like she'd always call me maddie. She's like maddie, fuck them yeah, I was like mom said so mama's words.
Speaker 1:Mama's words right like those are all, so I love that good job, so fuck them yeah, fuck them, fuck them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's good, I like that.
Speaker 1:That's really good and then and when you you kind of connect to, to the deeper meaning, right, it's not about the disrespect of and that's not saying don't care about other people, it's no, no, no, we know what it means but yeah, that's yeah, I know, you know what it means, but for those that are going to take that and run with it, fuck them.
Speaker 2:I know, I know.
Speaker 1:Literally.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, that's got your Ohio right. Where are you from? Where are you from again?
Speaker 1:Indiana, indiana. I mean, are they different? I don't know, they're just spelled differently.
Speaker 2:I don't know, they're just spelled differently. But no Indiana, but I mean Midwest has its own thing, but also East Coast. Just like you use that kind of language, it doesn't mean actually like anything negative, it just you know. I don't know, it's a release, that's all it is.
Speaker 1:And if that's how someone interprets it, that's what we call their problem.
Speaker 2:Oh, oh man, I get in trouble with that stuff a lot um, but cool man, I know you gotta get going.
Speaker 2:But yeah, we, we should definitely do more of this. I mean, this is fun and it was definitely more of a conversation, which was great. Um, you know, I I think sometimes these podcasts can be performative where, like, people will come to the table with a lot of stuff to say and you know, and then it becomes like what, what little snippets, what little clips can I say to make me seem valued and important. But this felt so much more relaxed and flowy and stuff like that. So I I see, I see what you're doing and it's really cool.
Speaker 1:Well, I appreciate you, you.