On this episode of "The ARTwork of YOU," Lori Gouhin delves into the powerful concepts from the book "The Courage to Be Disliked".
Lori explores the ideas of finding happiness in the present moment, understanding the separation of tasks, embracing the courage to be disliked, cultivating social interest, and overcoming feelings of inferiority and superiority.
Throughout the episode, she provides practical ways to apply these concepts to transform your life and relationships. So grab your brushes and get ready to paint your life's portrait with confidence and ease as she uncovers the key to self-transformation and living authentically.
Stay tuned till the end as Lori offers steps you can take to embrace these principles and begin your journey to a happier, more fulfilling life.
Episode Highlights:
- Finding Your Path in Life - Happiness as a Choice
- Understanding the difference between what we can control and what we cannot
- The Courage to Be Disliked - Embracing authenticity over societal expectations
- Engaging in acts of kindness and contribution to others' well-being
- Overcoming Inferiority and Superiority Complexes
Thank you for sharing your time with me and remember to show up in your life like the masterpiece you are because YOU are the ARTwork!!!
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Have a fabulous day!
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Lori Gouhin [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the artwork of you, the podcast where your life is the canvas and you are the masterpiece.
Lori Gouhin [00:00:09]:
I'm your host, Lori Gooen, and together.
Lori Gouhin [00:00:11]:
We'Ll explore creativity, self awareness, mindset, goal strategy, and the importance of accountability so that you can paint your life's portrait with confidence and ease. Remember, in the gallery of life, you're not just a spectator, you are the art. So let's grab our brushes and start creating the masterpiece that is you.
Lori Gouhin [00:00:32]:
Hello my friends.
Lori Gouhin [00:00:33]:
I am so glad you are here.
Lori Gouhin [00:00:35]:
With me today, because today I want to talk about finding your path. The ideas I'm going to discuss today come from a book I recently read called the courage to be disliked. And this book is based on the ideas of psychologist Alfred Adler and offer what I consider to be valuable insights for anyone looking to find their path in life, and especially when life seems to be a bit stuck. And I thought this would make a great companion to my previous episode on changing your past. So if you haven't listened to that yet, I would encourage you to do so. And for those who are not familiar with Alfred Adler, he was a contemporary of Freud, but he took a different path. He believed our happiness and life trajectory are not tied to our past, but rather to the choices we make now and today. I want to explore how this perspective can empower us in our lives.
Lori Gouhin [00:01:26]:
The concept that happiness is a choice challenges the belief that our past, particularly our traumas and challenges, permanently shape our future. In other words, regardless of our past, we have the power to choose happiness. And the reality is, I think, that many people don't realize this, and they do feel trapped by their past. And they do feel that their past is the reason for their present situation and the reason why their future might not be as bright as they would hope it to be. Many people carry stories from their past that they believe define them. And these could be labels that you've been given by others or that you've given to yourself based on your past experiences. And again, Adler invites us to question this and rewrite these narratives. He emphasizes the importance of the present moment in determining our happiness.
Lori Gouhin [00:02:16]:
He suggests that it's our current choices and attitudes that shape our well being. So take a moment to identify one negative story that you hold about yourself and then challenge it. How can you rewrite this story from a place of empowerment and choice? And when you start integrating this into your daily lives with small, conscious choices, for example, each morning ask yourself, what is one choice I can make today that aligns with my happiness? It might be as simple as choosing to take a break when it's needed or maybe reaching out to a friend for support. It doesn't matter how big or small, because these choices accumulate day by day, they can transform your outlook on life, leading you towards a happier and more fulfilling path. Another idea in the book is what is known as the principle of separation of tasks. In this concept is about understanding the difference between what we can control and what we cannot control. And it's a powerful tool for reducing frustration and focusing our energy effectively. Because have you ever found yourself worrying about or trying to control situations or decisions that were not yours to make? It's quite common, and understanding the separation of tasks can be liberating.
Lori Gouhin [00:03:33]:
Our tasks are things that are within our control, our reactions, our decisions, our emotions. And recognizing this helps us focus on changing what we can and accepting what we cannot. So think about a scenario. Maybe at work a colleague's behavior is affecting the whole team. Or maybe you have a friend who's making choices that you don't think are in their best interest. And try to remember that while you can't control their actions, your task is to manage your response and decide how to best communicate your concerns. And the flip side is understanding what is not our task, and that includes other people's choices, feelings, and behaviors. And so when we try to control these, we set ourselves up for frustration and disappointment.
Lori Gouhin [00:04:20]:
And for those of you who know me, you know that I talk about this idea of the manuals, right? So we have to tear up our manuals for how others should or should not behave. And so when you find yourself getting overly involved in others matters, ask yourself, is this my task or theirs? If it's theirs, consciously decide to let go and focus on what you can influence. And you could start practicing this principle in small, everyday situations. Notice when you're taking on someone else's task and gently remind yourself to step back. It can be as simple as not offering unsolicited advice or not trying to fix everyone's problem or every problem that you encounter. This has definitely been something I've struggled with in the past, and in fact, I was just discussing it with someone the other day and that it almost seems ingrained with us once we become mothers, that we feel the need to constantly be giving advice or trying to fix problems. And honestly, I'm sure most fathers feel the same way as well. And so, as you practice this separation of tasks, what you'll find is you'll likely find a greater sense of clarity and peace in your daily life because it's about respecting others autonomy and reclaiming your own.
Lori Gouhin [00:05:34]:
All right, now let's talk about one of the most compelling and perhaps challenging ideas in the book. And that's the courage to be disliked. And this is about the freedom that comes up when we stop trying to please everyone and start living true to ourselves. It's not just about being okay with others disapproval, but it's also a profound acceptance of yourself. It's a journey towards self realization, where you prioritize your values and beliefs over societal expectations. So think for a moment, have you ever changed your behavior or suppressed your true desires just to be liked or accepted by others? Consider how often you sacrifice your true self for the sake of harmony or acceptance. And how does this impact your sense of self and your happiness? Many of us have a deep rooted fear of disapproval or rejection. And this fear can dictate our choices, leading you to live in ways that aren't authentic to who you truly are.
Lori Gouhin [00:06:29]:
And your desire to fit in and be liked is often rooted in social conformity, because we're social beings. And the fear of being ostracized can be powerful. So Adler challenges us to this question. At what cost does this conformity come? Ask yourself, have there been moments where conformity has led you away from your true desire or beliefs? How did this alignment with others expectations affect your own personal growth? Think about a time you agreed to do something you didn't want to do just to avoid conflict or to be liked. How did it feel afterwards? Often we compromise our own happiness for what we perceive as social harmony. And at the heart of the fear of being disliked is really the fear of judgment. And this fear can be paralyzing. But recognizing that judgment often says more about the judger than the judged can be quite freeing.
Lori Gouhin [00:07:19]:
So think of a decision you're hesitating to make, maybe because of a fear of judgment. Visualize the worst case scenario of being judged for it, and often you'll find the imagined consequences are more bearable than the cost of not being true to yourself. There is freedom in being authentic. Embracing the courage to be disliked is essentially about embracing authenticity. When you're true to yourself, you align your actions with your values, even if it means risking disapproval. And this alignment creates a sense of integrity and inner peace. So identify one area in your life where you're not being true to yourself because of the fear of being disliked. And imagine what an authentic choice in that situation would look like.
Lori Gouhin [00:08:01]:
Because each time you choose authenticity over approval, you build resilience and confidence that grows over time and remember, the goal isn't to be disliked, but to be okay with the possibility of it. Start with small steps. It could be expressing your true opinion on a minor matter or choosing an activity you like, even if it's unpopular. And notice how it feels to make these authentic choices. I know it's cliche, but that doesn't make it less valuable to remember that not everyone has to like you. The people who appreciate the real you are the relationships that will be most fulfilling anyway. Adler also placed a significant emphasis on community feeling or social interest. And this concept is about recognizing our interconnectedness and the importance of contributing to the welfare of others.
Lori Gouhin [00:08:47]:
So reflect on how your actions impact those around you. Do you see yourself as a part of a larger community, or do you focus solely on your own personal goals? Because our health and happiness are deeply connected to our social contribution. And it's not about self sacrifice, but about finding a balance between your personal goals and your social responsibilities. In other words, when you help someone else, it often brings you joy and satisfaction. And one of the obstacles to developing community feeling is excessive self centeredness. And while self care and personal goals are important, finding a balance where we also consider others is really key to our well being. So are there any areas in your life where you might be too focused on your own goals and needs? And how might shifting some of that focus to others well being enrich your life? Cultivating social interests can start with small actions like volunteering, listening empathetically to a friend, or even showing kindness to strangers. Because it's about being part of a supportive and caring community, you can set a goal to do one small act of kindness or contribution each day.
Lori Gouhin [00:09:53]:
It could be as simple as complimenting somebody, offering help, or sharing your expertise with someone in need. Engaging in social interest not only benefits others, but also contributes to our own personal growth. It helps in developing empathy, understanding, and a sense of belonging. So as you practice community feeling, observe the changes in your perspective and relationships, and you'll likely find a deeper sense of purpose and connection in your life. All right, now we're going to talk about another concept, and that's the idea of the inferiority complex, where feelings of inferiority can drive our behavior. And this is a normal part of human experience, but when it becomes overwhelming, it can really hinder our growth and our happiness. The concept of the inferiority complex involves deep seated feelings of inadequacy, and these often stem from childhood experiences or social comparisons. And these feelings can drive our ambitions, but they can also lead to discouragement if they become overwhelming.
Lori Gouhin [00:10:54]:
Have there been instances in your life where feelings of inadequacy might have prompted you to either overcompensate or hold back? How have these feelings shaped your life choices and your self image? Think about messages you received in childhood or societal standards you might feel pressured by. How have these contributed to feelings of inferiority? He also discusses what is known as the superiority complex. And contrary to popular belief, Adler saw that the superiority complex was a cover up for an inferiority complex, as opposed to the idea that people who appear to have a superiority complex actually do feel superior. He says it's a defense mechanism used to mask feelings of inadequacy, often by putting others down or by striving for power and dominance. Think about times when you or someone you might know have exhibited traits of a superiority complex. I was talking with somebody recently, and she was having a dilemma with someone that she was in a similar business with, and she was saying that she really felt that this other person had a superiority complex, that she actually did feel better than everyone else. And again, Adler says that that's not true, that those that show you or show a way of having a superiority complex actually are feeling inadequate. And so recognizing these patterns can be a first step in addressing any underlying feelings of inferiority.
Lori Gouhin [00:12:21]:
And another concept in the book is called the fictional final goal. And the fictional final goal is a self created life goal, often an unconscious response to feelings of inferiority. So it's a fictional idea that we believe will make us feel successful and superior. So examine your long term goals. Are they genuinely what you want, or are they shaped by what you think they should be? And how might these goals be a response to hidden feelings of inferiority? And this is why self awareness and mindset work is so critical when I work with clients around goal achievement, because it's not uncommon for them to suddenly realize that the goals they thought they wanted are not what they want at all, and that they were selected, often because of limiting beliefs they weren't fully aware of or with trying to align with the values that are not their own. So being able to overcome an inferiority or a superiority complex and redefine your goals leads to greater self acceptance and authenticity and ultimately living into your potential. So you have to first start by acknowledging them that there might be a real possibility that you are suffering from an inferiority or superiority complex. And then work on setting more personal, meaningful goals grounded in your true interests and values, and not in a response to perceived inadequacies.
Lori Gouhin [00:13:41]:
List your major life goals and evaluate each one. And then consider revising goals that stem from feelings of inferiority or a desire to prove superiority. Focus on what genuinely brings you fulfillment and joy. By overcoming these complexes, you'll build authenticity and resilience. It involves embracing both your strengths and your vulnerabilities, and understanding that your worth is not dependent on being better or worse than others. And so be patient with yourself in this process, because developing self compassion and a balanced self view is key to overcoming these barriers so that you can live, as I said, a more authentic and satisfying life. And as we wrap this up, take a moment to reflect on what we've talked about today. Think about the ideas that resonated most with you, how these insights can spark changes in your approach to life and in your interactions with others.
Lori Gouhin [00:14:34]:
Adler's teachings offer a path to self transformation. In my opinion, it's about shifting your perspective from a past focused narrative to one of present possibilities and choices. I encourage you to identify one specific area in your life where you can start applying these principles. It could be improving a relationship, changing how you approach your goals, or simply being kinder to yourself. Carry these concepts with you. The courage to be disliked, the understanding of our tasks, the pursuit of community feeling, and recognizing our subconscious beliefs are not just ideas, but practical tools for a happier life.
Lori Gouhin [00:15:12]:
That's a wrap for today, my friends. Thank you for sharing your time with me, and remember to show up in your life like the masterpiece you are because you are the artwork. Please subscribe and leave a five star review.
Lori Gouhin [00:15:24]:
Have a fabulous today's.
