Lori Gouhin [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the artwork of you, the podcast where your life is the canvas.
Lori Gouhin [00:00:07]:
And you are the masterpiece. I'm your host, Lori Gouhin, and together we'll explore creativity, self awareness, mindset, goal strategy, and the importance of accountability so that you can paint your life's portrait with confidence and ease. Remember, in the gallery of life, you're not just a spectator, you are the art. So let's grab our brushes and start creating the masterpiece that is you. Hello, my friends. I am so glad that you are here with me today, because today I.
Lori Gouhin [00:00:37]:
Want to talk about people pleasing and the niceness illusion. So, have you ever found yourself agreeing to maybe go to an event that you really didn't want to attend? Or maybe you've said yes to a favor for a friend when your schedule was already full? I know it's something that a lot of us do, often without a second thought. And on the surface it looks like kindness, right? And reliability. But if we pause and take a closer look, we might find something surprising. Because at its core, people pleasing isn't just about being nice, it's actually a form of lying. Yes, you heard that right. It's actually a form of lying. Because when we people please, we're often not being entirely honest with ourselves or with others.
Lori Gouhin [00:01:20]:
We say yes when every fiber of our being wants to say no. We smile and nod in agreement when inside we're actually disagreeing or indifferent. And this habit might seem harmless or even beneficial in the moment, because, after all, who doesn't want to be seen as nice and accommodating? But here's the thing. While it might smooth over conversations or situations temporarily, it's not a genuine way to interact with the world. It's like wearing a mask that says, I'm okay with this, when in reality you're not. And this disconnect between your true feelings and your actions can lead to a host of problems, from stress and resentment to burnout to strained relationships. So why do we do it? Often it's because we're seeking approval, or we're trying to avoid conflict and discomfort. And it's understandable, really.
Lori Gouhin [00:02:07]:
I mean, human beings are social creatures, and our instinct is to want to belong and to be liked and to maintain harmony in our relationships. But at what cost? Because when the desire to please becomes stronger than our own sense of self, we're not being fair to ourselves or to those we're trying to please. Because let's face it, honesty is the foundation of any healthy relationship, be it with friends, family, or colleagues. And when we're not honest about our feelings, our needs, and our boundaries. We're not building our relationships on solid ground. So back to lying. Why is people pleasing a form of lying? Because it masks our true selves. It creates a facade that might look pretty on the outside, but doesn't reflect the complex and multifaceted individuals that we truly are.
Lori Gouhin [00:02:54]:
And while it might seem like the path of least resistance in the short term, in the long run it's a disservice to our authentic selves and to the people in our lives. Consider this every time we say yes out of obligation, rather than genuine desire or interest, we divert a little bit of our energy away from our true selves and our authentic path. It's like trying to navigate through life with a map that just takes us in circles catering to others directions rather than our own. People pleasing might make us feel needed, even valued. In the short term, however, it's really important to ask ourselves, at what cost? At what cost are we sacrificing our own dreams, aspirations, and even our well being at the altar of approval and acceptance? Here's an example. Imagine you've always dreamed of starting your own business or pursuing a passion project. But every time an opportunity arises to take a step toward that dream, you find yourself bogged down with commitments, commitments that you've agreed to, not out of genuine interest, but out of a sense of obligation or a fear of letting others down. Slowly, your dream starts to feel more like a distant fantasy, out of reach and perhaps even unattainable.
Lori Gouhin [00:04:07]:
And this is the subtle yet profound way in which people pleasing can derail us from our path. And moreover, when we continuously push our needs and goals aside to accommodate others, we're sending ourselves a message that our aspirations don't matter. And this can erode our self esteem and make it increasingly difficult to assert ourselves and our boundaries in the future. It can trap us in a cycle of seeking external validation instead of looking inward for more fulfillment and satisfaction. And ultimately, this cycle keeps us from living authentically, from knowing ourselves deeply, and from cultivating the courage to pursue what truly brings us joy and meaning. And the irony of people pleasing is that in our quest to be seen as good, kind, helpful, we might actually be hindering our ability to offer the world our unique gifts and contributions. Because by constantly aligning our actions with others expectations, we risk losing sight of our own potential and the unique path only we can walk. Authenticity and personal growth require bravery.
Lori Gouhin [00:05:12]:
You have to stand firm in your truth, to honor your own needs and desires, and to pursue your goals with determination, even if it means disappointing others along the way. In essence, the habit of people pleasing acts kind of like a roadblock to our authenticity and to achieving our goals. It's a detour that leads us away from our true selves and the fulfilling life we deserve. And recognizing and addressing this pattern in our lives is the first step toward reclaiming your power and steering your life in a direction that resonates with your deepest self. It's a common mistake to confuse people pleasing with being genuinely kind hearted. At a glance, they might appear similar. Both involve actions that ostensibly aim to make others more comfortable. However, the motivation and the implications of these behaviors are actually worlds apart, because true kindness stems from a place of genuine care and a desire to positively impact others without losing sight of your own needs and boundaries.
Lori Gouhin [00:06:11]:
People pleasing, on the other hand, often springs from a fear of rejection, a need for approval, or an aversion to conflict. These are motivations that prioritize others perceptions over your own well being. So let's break it down a little bit more. Imagine you're at work and a colleague asks you for help with a project. You're already swamped with your own work, but you agree to help because you don't want to let them down or seem uncooperative. And on the surface this looks like an act of kindness. But if it's done at the expense of your own health, your own deadlines, or your own stress levels, it's not truly kind to yourself or ultimately, to your colleague. If helping means you'll deliver lower quality work on your own projects, or worse, if it affects your mental or physical health, then that kindness is superficial in the long run, it's neither beneficial for you nor for the people you're trying to help.
Lori Gouhin [00:07:04]:
And the thing about genuine kindness is that it's sustainable. It doesn't deplete you or force you into a corner of resentment and exhaustion. It comes from a place of abundance where you have the emotional, physical and mental capacity to offer support without harming yourself in the process. This kind of kindness recognizes the importance of self care and healthy boundaries. It understands that saying no can sometimes be the kindest response if it means preserving your ability to contribute meaningfully in the long run. Moreover, true kindness involves honesty and authenticity. It's about being able to express your feelings and your limitations honestly. It allows for healthier and more supportive relationships because this authenticity fosters deeper connections.
Lori Gouhin [00:07:50]:
It's based on truth rather than on fulfilling expected roles or hiding our true selves to avoid discomfort and understanding. This distinction is really important because it empowers us to make choices that align with our values and our capabilities. It allows us to be truly kind in a way that enriches our lives and the lives of others, rather than draining our resources for the sake of appearances. And by embracing authentic kindness, you can build relationships grounded in respect and mutual support rather than obligation. And what I'd like to say is superficial niceties. So, are you a people pleaser? Identifying yourself as a people pleaser can be tricky, mainly because the traits often resemble what society celebrates as being nice or accommodating, like we said. However, when you dig a little bit deeper, you can uncover specific patterns that signal that you might be tilting towards someone who is a people pleaser. So the first sign is you have difficulty saying no.
Lori Gouhin [00:08:48]:
And that's perhaps the most telling sign. If the thought of saying no fills you with anxiety, or if you find yourself saying yes automatically, even when every part of you is screaming to decline, you might be in the people pleasing camp. This often stems from a fear of rejection or upsetting others, but it can lead to overcommitment, stress and resentment. Another sign is you feel responsible for others happiness. People pleasers often carry the weight of others emotions, feeling that it's their duty to ensure that everyone is happy and content. And while being empathetic is a strength, when it crosses into the territory of sacrificing your well being for others happiness, it's definitely a sign of people pleasing. Another sign is being overly concerned with the opinions of others. So if you're constantly worried about what others think of you, to the point where it dictates your actions and your choices, that's a hallmark of people pleasing behavior.
Lori Gouhin [00:09:42]:
And this can prevent you from expressing your true self and pursuing what genuinely interests you. And finally, another sign is rarely expressing your own needs or desire. People pleasers often put their own needs and their desires on the back burner. They focus instead on accommodating others. And if you struggle to identify or express what it is that you want, or if you feel guilty for prioritizing your needs, it could indicate a people pleasing pattern. So recognizing these signs in ourself, it's not an exercise in self criticism, but rather a step towards self awareness and growth so that you can understand that while it's noble to care for others, your needs, desires and well being are equally important. And acknowledging these tendencies that you might have is the first step to move towards a more balanced and authentic way of interacting with the world. The path from breaking free of people pleasing it's not just about changing what you do.
Lori Gouhin [00:10:37]:
It's about transforming how you see yourself and your relationship with others. It involves cultivating self awareness, setting boundaries, practicing self care, seeking support. Possibly each of these steps can guide you to a more authentic and fulfilling life. So it begins with understanding why you feel compelled to please. Is it a fear of rejection? A lack of self esteem? Recognizing the root cause of that behavior is crucial. The awareness can come from self reflection, journaling, mindfulness practices that can help you tune in to your feelings and your reactions in real time. So the goal is to understand your motivations and to start questioning the automatic yes response. And by doing so, you can begin to decide whether your actions are truly in line with your values and your desires.
Lori Gouhin [00:11:25]:
The next thing you can do is you can set boundaries. Learning to say no is a powerful skill. Setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first, especially for seasoned people pleasers. But start small. Practice saying no to minor requests before tackling more significant commitments. And remember, setting boundaries is not an act of selfishness, it's an act of self respect. It teaches people how to treat you and signals that your needs and your time are valuable. Self care is fundamental in breaking the people pleasing cycle, and that means taking time for yourself, engaging in the activities that replenish your energy and bring you joy.
Lori Gouhin [00:12:01]:
This could be as simple as reading a book, taking a walk, or dedicating time to a hobby. But prioritizing self care reinforces the idea that your well being is important and it deserves attention. Again, it's not selfish. It's necessary for maintaining your health and your happiness. And finally, you can also seek support, because overcoming people pleasing tendencies can be challenging. And so it's okay to seek help. Talking to a coach or a mentor can provide valuable insights and strategies for change. Or simply sharing experiences with your friends who understand can also be incredibly supportive.
Lori Gouhin [00:12:36]:
These connections can offer encouragement, offer you new perspective, and remind you that you're not alone. So overcoming people pleasing is really an act of courage. It involves embracing your authentic self and respecting your own needs just as much as you respect those of others. The process isn't about becoming less caring or kind. It's about finding a balance where kindness to others does not come at the expense of being kind to yourself. And it's about creating a life where your actions actually reflect your true self, not just what you think others want to see. And when you set aside the people pleasing Persona, a lot of benefits come along with that. I'll give you a few improved self esteem and confidence as you become more authentic and less dependent on others approval, your self esteem naturally begins to grow.
Lori Gouhin [00:13:25]:
Making decisions based on your desires and your values, rather than to please others. It will reinforce your sense of self worth, and over time, this builds confidence in your ability to navigate your life and the challenges that come with it. You'll also build healthier relationships. While it might seem counterintuitive, setting boundaries and being honest about your feelings and needs actually leads to deeper, more genuine relationships. Friends, family, colleagues who respect your boundaries are likely to be more understanding and supportive, and this honesty creates a foundation for relationships built on mutual respect and genuine connection, rather than obligation and surface level interactions. You'll also have more energy and well being because constantly striving to please others can be exhausting, both mentally and physically. And by prioritizing your own needs and practicing self care, you reclaim your energy. This shift not only improves your overall well being, but also enables you to engage more fully and joyfully with your life.
Lori Gouhin [00:14:24]:
You'll also reach greater personal fulfillment, in my opinion, because overcoming people pleasing allows you to pursue what truly matters to you, leading to a greater sense of personal fulfillment. Whether it's following a long held dream, exploring new hobbies, or simply spending more time on activities that bring you joy, living authentically allows you to lead a richer and more satisfying life. And finally, another one, better decision making. And I know this one is so important because so many people have trouble just deciding, and it's because they're not tuned into who they really are and what they really want. They're very concerned with what others think and what others want. And so when you shift away from that, you will definitely have better decision making abilities because you'll be free from the need to constantly consider how every choice will be perceived by others. And you can make decisions more quickly and effectively. It'll come from clarity and from understanding your own goals and values, and that'll lead to choices that are in better alignment with your true self.
Lori Gouhin [00:15:25]:
And again, I get it. The move away from people pleasing. It's deeply personal, and it can be very challenging because it requires you to confront uncomfortable truths about yourself and to make deliberate choices that might not always be met with approval from others. Yet again, the rewards of this are profound. By choosing authenticity, you choose to honor your needs, your desires, and your boundaries. And then you pave the way for healthier relationships, greater selfrespect, and a life that resonates with your true self. Remember, moving away from people pleasing doesn't mean we stop caring about others. Instead, it means we start caring about ourselves, too.
Lori Gouhin [00:16:05]:
It's about finding a balance where kindness doesn't come at the cost of your well being, but is instead a reflection of a full and genuine heart. And so, as we wrap up, I encourage you to reflect on your own experiences with people pleasing. Consider the steps you can take towards authenticity and the benefits that will await you. If you would like to explore what it's like to work with me one to one, reach out on my new Instagram at theartworkofyou. That's at the artworkofyou. Or go to my website, theartworkofyou.com. And also, please download my free 90 day self awareness journal to guide you towards a better understanding of yourself.
Lori Gouhin [00:16:47]:
That's a wrap for today, my friends. Thank you for sharing your time with me. And remember to show up in your life like the masterpiece you are, because you are the artwork. Please subscribe and leave a five star review.
Lori Gouhin [00:16:59]:
Have a fabulous day.