[00:00:00] Lori Gouhin: Hello, my friends. I am so glad that you are here with me today because today I want to talk about shame. Shame is a complex emotion that stems from the feeling that we are fundamentally flawed or inadequate in some way. It's more profound than guilt, which is typically about something we've done wrong.
[00:00:17] Lori Gouhin: Shame makes us feel like there's something wrong with who we are. So let's talk about some of the common reasons why people might feel shame. Many experiences of shame are rooted in societal standards and cultural norms about what's considered acceptable or admirable. And when we feel we don't live up to these standards, whether in terms of success, behavior, or appearance, we may internalize feelings of shame.
[00:00:41] Lori Gouhin: Early experiences with family can also significantly influence feelings of shame. Critical, neglectful, or abusive behavior from your caregiver can lead you to believe that you are unworthy or inadequate. Personal setbacks or failures, especially if they are public or particularly painful, can trigger intense feelings of shame.
[00:01:01] Lori Gouhin: This can include anything from academic failures to business losses or failed relationships. Experiences that are stigmatized by society, such as mental health issues, addiction, or financial trouble, can also lead to feelings of shame, as people may feel that they don't measure up. And in our interconnected world, it's really easy to compare ourselves unfavorably to others particularly in terms of achievements, lifestyle, and capabilities.
[00:01:29] Lori Gouhin: And so constant comparison can really create a persistent sense of shame. And understanding the cause of your shame can not only help you be kinder to yourself as well as others, but it can also shed light on some of the behaviors that you might not recognize as possibly being directly related to shame.
[00:01:49] Lori Gouhin: In fact, I was talking to a close friend recently and she was talking about the shame that she had carried since childhood and how it affected her well into her adult life in ways that she hadn't even [00:02:00] realized until recently. And so in my opinion, shame is a master of disguise. You might not always know when it is influencing you because often it doesn't present itself in the moments of humiliation like we might expect.
[00:02:15] Lori Gouhin: And instead embeds itself into our
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[00:02:17] Lori Gouhin: personalities, into our decision making processes and our reactions so subtly that we might not even recognize it's there. But just because it's hidden doesn't mean it's harmless. Subtle shame can really shape your life because in an effort to manage and mitigate feelings of shame, we often develop various coping strategies.
[00:02:38] Lori Gouhin: And while these can sometimes provide short term relief, they are not healthy or effective in the longterm. And so let's talk about some of the typical coping strategies that might indicate underlying shame. Overachieving, constantly pushing yourself to do more and to be better, not just to achieve, but to avoid criticism or prove your worth.
[00:03:00] Lori Gouhin: People pleasing, going out of your way to accommodate others, often at the expense of your own needs, driven by a fear of rejection or disapproval. Avoiding vulnerability, keeping people at a distance and hiding your true feelings because you fear being judged or not being good enough. This is something that I did well into adulthood and really have only recently started getting somewhat comfortable with being vulnerable.
[00:03:26] Lori Gouhin: Perfectionism, striving for flawless results in everything that you do, not just to excel. But to avoid the possibility of criticism or failure, withdraw. You might withdraw from social interactions or avoid situations where you feel vulnerable to judgment. This can include isolating yourself, declining social invitations, declining opportunities to engage in something you have no experience in or are not good at, or even avoiding professional opportunities.
[00:03:57] Lori Gouhin: And this is another one of the coping [00:04:00] mechanisms that I did for a long time. And I can remember in particular, a lot of times, even though I've been pretty athletic my whole life, if it was a certain sport, like I can remember volleyball back in the day I would just avoid it at all costs because I didn't want to be seen as not really being able to play the way the other people were playing.
[00:04:19] Lori Gouhin: And even though it was like a volleyball place, where we'd go for drinks when I was younger. Really ridiculous. Another one is aggression. You might respond to shame with hostility or anger, either as a defense mechanism or as a way to divert attention from your vulnerabilities.
[00:04:35] Lori Gouhin: And this can manifest as verbal attacks, criticisms, gaslighting others, or even unfortunately physical aggression. Overcompensation. And in an attempt to counteract feelings of inadequacy, you might overcompensate with being overly driven.
[00:04:51] Lori Gouhin: And this can appear as working excessively, becoming overly detailed and meticulous, or taking on too many responsibilities. Denial. That's denying feelings of shame or its triggers. And it can also be a very common coping behavior because you might refuse to acknowledge the roots of your shame or any connection between your emotions and your behaviors.
[00:05:13] Lori Gouhin: And of course, there's the common one substance abuse, alcohol, drugs, or other addictive behaviors can be used as an escape mechanism to numb the discomfort that's associated with shame. Here's one that you might not be aware of so much and that's control issues. Our need to control often comes from that feeling of inadequacy and unworthiness, which might have stemmed from shame.
[00:05:35] Lori Gouhin: And this one in particular also had a big effect on me well into adulthood. As I got older, I knew, although I didn't really like to admit it, that I was controlling in a lot of ways. and I know now that most of that behavior came from feelings of fear and fear of judgment, fear of inadequacies that were directly related to the shame from my childhood. And one not so obvious behavior that I developed was being a good [00:06:00] listener, being curious, and asking a lot of questions. And for a long time, I thought those were some of my best qualities.
[00:06:06] Lori Gouhin: And don't get me wrong, they were, and I believe that they still are. However, they weren't developed because I was taught proper social skills. They were developed as a coping mechanism to detract from myself and my story. In other words, if I kept others engaged through conversation about them, there would be no opportunity for them to ask about me.
[00:06:27] Lori Gouhin: And then there would be no necessity for me to lie about the reality of my life. And it took well into adulthood for me to even make that connection between. Being controlling and underlying shame. And finally, the last behavior I want to talk about is lying. And I want to delve a little bit deeper on this one.
[00:06:44] Lori Gouhin: And really we could do a whole episode on lying because many people develop a habit of lying and often either don't even realize that they're doing it or they view it as not a problem. And so the first step to changing this behavior is acknowledging that lying is a problem and understanding the underlying feelings of shame or insecurity driving it.
[00:07:04] Lori Gouhin: because at the core of habitual lying is often a deep seated fear of inadequacy. People might feel that their true characteristics, achievements, or backgrounds aren't sufficient to gain acceptance or approval. And lying can be used as a strategy to avoid confrontation and conflict by telling people what they want to hear.
[00:07:24] Lori Gouhin: The person avoids the discomfort associated with disappointing someone or being the quote unquote bearer of bad news. And so control over your image and how you are perceived can also be a significant motivator for lying. By manipulating the truth, you might feel that you can control the narrative around your life, which can then make you feel safer and more secure.
[00:07:46] Lori Gouhin: Which is exactly what I did when I was younger. And so what are some forms of lying that you might be engaging in as a coping mechanism to possibly avoid underlying shame? You might be fabricating things. In other words, creating [00:08:00] untruths to enhance your perceived value or to hide your inadequacies.
[00:08:04] Lori Gouhin: You might use exaggeration. Stretching the truth to make situations or accomplishments appear more impressive. You might be doing lies of omission, leaving out key details to shape a story more favorably, or you might just really be engaging in denial. In other words, refusing to acknowledge the truth, even when you're confronted directly.
[00:08:24] Lori Gouhin: And even though on the surface, we know that lying can have a significant impact on ourselves and our relationships. Many people still do it because it's more comfortable than opening themselves up to the potential feelings that shame might cause. And so why do these behaviors matter? They matter because they might seem beneficial or even adaptive at first after all, because what's wrong with doing a great job or making people happy.
[00:08:49] Lori Gouhin: However, when driven by shame, they can really become destructive and they can trap you in a cycle of stress and exhaustion because they're not about genuine personal growth or happiness. They're about shielding yourself from the perceived threats of inadequacy. And sort of wrap it up. coping mechanisms, while initially seem to provide temporary relief, often serve as barriers that prevent you from addressing the root cause of your distress, which is shame.
[00:09:17] Lori Gouhin: And these behaviors, perfectionism, avoiding vulnerability, Lying, addictive tendencies, they're all ways that you shield yourself from the painful feelings that you associate with shame. And to truly let go of these coping mechanisms, you must confront and release the underlying shame. And this process begins with self awareness, acknowledging and understanding that you're The source of your shame and through practices like journaling and open conversations with trusted individuals, you can start to unravel these deep seated emotions.
[00:09:52] Lori Gouhin: And when you embrace self compassion and recognize that your worth is not tied to your perceived flaws or failures, you can [00:10:00] begin to let go and releasing shame involves letting go of the false narrative that you've constructed about yourself and replacing it with a more empowering and forgiving perspective.
[00:10:11] Lori Gouhin: There is no shame in shame. It's something we all experience. In my opinion, the real shame is when we continue to allow That shame to dictate our thoughts, our feelings, and our actions that no longer serve us.
[00:10:25] Lori Gouhin: And if you'd like to explore this more, there's a complimentary 90 day self awareness journal on my website. You can download it today. It's 90 days of self discovery,and it will help you to recognize if you do have any underlying shame that you've not been able to let go of, and any coping mechanisms and behaviors that you're currently doing that you would also like to get rid of.
[00:10:50] Lori Gouhin: You can download it at www.theartworkofyou.com.