05 - Show Up and Shine in Your Love Life - Dating Wisdom from Eimear Draper

Join your host, Carole Ann Rice, UK's leading life coach, as she welcomes Eimear Draper, the founder of Kindling Dating, to explore the transformative power of dating with authenticity and confidence. In this episode, Eimear shares her personal journey and professional insights into the dating world, offering valuable strategies for overcoming common challenges and limiting beliefs.

In This Episode, You'll Discover:

• Why embracing your true self is crucial in dating.
• Practical tips for enhancing your dating profile and communication.
• How to handle dating disappointments like ghosting with grace.
• Strategies for turning initial connections into lasting relationships.

Eimear's approach to dating is all about self-belief and showing up as your authentic self. Whether you're actively dating or just interested in understanding the dynamics of building meaningful relationships, this episode is packed with actionable advice to help you navigate the dating scene with confidence and joy.

Tune in now to learn how to shed your dating anxieties and embrace a journey of love and self-discovery. 

Let's get kindled and find that spark!

Powered by and edited by Mike Roberts at Making Digital Real

Transcript

Eimear Draper: 0:00

Basically like all the work I do with clients is given them the confidence to be them. And I don't set like, you have to follow this game plan or do X, Y and Zed. I'm just like, we're going to you're going to be you and know that the right person for you is gonna love you. But the one rule I have is absolutely no ghosting. And if you're in a situation where you're thinking about ghosting, then you message me and I will help you.

Unknown: 0:24

Welcome to show up on shine with the UK is leading life coach Carol Anne Rice, the podcast that is curious about what drives, motivates and inspires people to show up for success. Even when the clients gather, the chips are dying and the duvet begins.

Carole Ann Rice: 0:45

Hi, there, everybody is Coach Caroline here and welcome to show up and shine the podcast that digs deep into what gets you out of bed in the morning. What motivates you what makes you light up, literally show up and shine they say that was it 90% of success is showing up. So it takes a lot to show up. It's hard sometimes to keep going. And I'm particularly interested in how we do that how we motivate how we inspire ourselves, especially those of us who are in business, and we have to do it regularly. Whether it's raining, the duvet looks delightful. Our kids are sick, we've got a headache, we've got a hangover, we're not feeling great, we're fat. We're old, we're having a bad hair day, but how do we show up and shine? That's what we want to know. And everybody has to do it. And I always mentioned my daughter, she's just an 81 date. Tour. She's What 65 How does she do that? How does she have something like 70 articulated lorries following around the world with all her stage props and everything. And there's our crew and our dancers and our technicians. But she can't not turn up for work one day and say, you know, I'm not really feeling it today. I'm not really feeling quite Madonna ish enough. I'm going to phone in sick. So she always shows up and shine. So how can we do that on a on a day to day basis to and today I'm absolutely delighted to welcome the very unique EMA EMA Draper. And she has a business called kindling. Dating, Link dating now, someone did say to me a little while ago, what what does Tinder mean? And I said, I just thought, yeah, that's a good question. When I was little, there was a there was a story about a tinderbox. And it was quite a creepy story about a dog in a tinderbox. And a tinderbox is basically a box of words that you set on fire. So hence, Tinder, so kindling Eema explain the kindling after the tinderbox?

Eimear Draper: 2:38

Well, I'll give you the fun long story. My husband and I had booked, I was having really bad time at work, and I booked onto this entrepreneurial course and I thought, Oh, just telework, you know, I'm on a course for two days, and I'll get out of the office for two days. And then realise it was the weekend. And I was like, Oops, my husband and I weren't dating long at the time. So I was kind of like, I bought the thing for the weekend. Like, it's free, I don't need to go. But you know, if you're interested, we could do that for the weekend. And it's literally like rubber for months. And we've only started spending weekends together. So we went to this entrepreneurial course for two days in Spokane. And at the end, they it was all about self belief. And at the end, they got us to break a bit of what with our hand. And anyway, I came home sent a picture to a friend like this one I've spent my weekend doing with like, better broken words, I'm gonna start a business. And she's like, what's your business going to be selling firewood, which is what kindling is, it's the small bits of wood that you put on, after you've lit your fire before you can put your big logs on. You put the small bits to kind of nurture the fire.

Unknown: 3:41

And I was like, hold up. That's actually a brilliant name kindling. Because, you know, initially, my idea was around a dating app and helping people to meet people. Because myself my husband had met through Tinder and I was like, Why? Why did we work and we can see lots of people are really stuck and struggling. But the more research I did into, like, the problem isn't actually finding people. It's more the beliefs and what you're carrying in your own mindset that's stopping you from kind of allowing that person in or even allowing yourself to go out and be open to letting somebody in. So yeah, it's kindling is the stage after the initial finding somebody whether it's on Tinder or someplace else. And it's kind of nurturing that belief in yourself and in love and in the power of a relationship and that you're worthy of that relationship. To get you past all this negative cycles that seem to exist in dating moment, probably always have but we just like to talk about it more now.

Carole Ann Rice: 4:47

That's true. And I'm wondering what are the common limiting beliefs that people have around dating if they've been trying for a while? What beliefs gets stuck in their minds then?

Unknown: 4:58

Yeah, I think They can start with there's a lot of negative noise around dating now, I think and you know, we take it back to my parents generation, it might have been, there wasn't enough people around because they just met a dancers and it was up to those people at the dances or not. And now it's there's no good ones. Because, you know, social media, dating apps has corrupted everyone. And everyone's just love them casual and there's so much noise around it of, they don't work their soul destroying. Everyone's got by behaviours now. And that's not true. There's a percentage of people that do. And yes, we're contact, we get in contact with that, and our brain latches on to and goes, whoa, this is bad for me. I'm gonna stay away from it. And then we're blinkered. And that's all we can see. And there's so many good people out there, they're just trying to find somebody. So I think one of this kind of starting limiting beliefs is dating is hard, which it kind of is, but also, it's up to you how you're navigating it, and you control a lot of what happens really, or at least what your reactions to happens are. So yeah, first one is dating is hard. There's no, let's say, it's common, a bit divided in the kind of heteronormative way of like, there's no good guys left, all the women just want x y Zed. So those kind of leaves around, but a lot of those I think are the kind of surface ones. And when you dig a little bit deeper, there's a lot of fear blocking people, there's a lot of like, oh, maybe, you know, they won't like me, maybe I'm not worthy of love, maybe, you know, everyone else can find a great relationship, but I can't because of x, y, and Zed. But there's the initial story, which might be more what's around in the ether of all this negativity around dating, or might be you know, I'm too busy. today. I'm focusing on career, I'm happy on my own. And, actually, when you strip that away, quite often, it's fear. It's just fear of rejection and fear of being hurt, because we've all have hearts at this stage.

Carole Ann Rice: 7:06

Yeah, it fear underpins a lot of limiting beliefs. It really does. And the old fashioned belief of it will happen naturally, I had so many friends saying that, but it hasn't done so far. And wherever we go, you're not going to just run into someone. And we you know, a lot of people work from home now. So you're not it's not even they're not the office relationships are encouraged a tonne. And anyway now, but you're not going to run into someone via work if you're working on teams calls at home. And I

Unknown: 7:36

think the things are like that bit of destiny of you know, it'll happen when it's meant to happen. And I can't force love. It's quite comforting, because you don't have to push yourself out of your comfort zone. And you don't have to go out there and ask somebody to like you and be faced with them saying actually, no thanks. Because it's it's God's plan. It's the universe's plan. It's whoever's plan, it's not in my control. But you know, we know both know Chinese astrologists. And when I talked to her, she was like, Destiny is one thing, but you have to take action. And in Chinese astrology, you have your earth lock, which is your Fung Shui, and then you've got your divine lock, which is your astrology. So what's kind of having magic kind of I don't have a rephrase it. So that's 30% 30% 40% is human freewill. So 40% is the action that we take. So it's like it is in our control to take that action.

Carole Ann Rice: 8:34

I think, yeah, I think this destiny fake Laws of Attraction thing has its place. But you can't, if you wanted to say, imagine a manifest a Ferrari. You don't just sit in your living room. If you wanted to catch the bus, you don't sit on the sofa, you go out and you stand at the bus stop. And you have to action these things. And it's like I went to a pub the other day. And it was a really beautiful gang of lovely, lovely women, or in their early 20s 30s. And there was also another table of lovely looking young men, and they kept looking over and no one went over. The women were laughing and the men were kind of hotshot chortling away and having a beer. I was thinking, what isn't one of them? They were looking and why don't you just go over and say, hi, why are you hanging out here today? And in the old days, you would? Yeah. And you know, a couple of guys might have gone over and started the conversation going on. Just like that doesn't happen. Now that thing is, you know, it's like a fairy story that, you know,

Unknown: 9:37

I've got so many clients are telling me that just chatting up just doesn't happen anymore. And I think there's, you know, it was always terrifying. It must have always been terrifying to go up to a gang of women because we still expect men to do I don't know why we're in 21st century and we all want equality but no, he has come up to me. Like it must have been terrifying. Like when I think back to me in the 20s like My girlfriend's we were out for good time. And if a guy interrupted it was like, Well, you better have something good if you go to join this party. And I can see how, you know, then online dating must feel so much more appealing because they're their rejection isn't to your face, you know, it must be, in a way it must feel like it's easier to handle. But I worry, it's actually worse because when you did it in the pub, you in fact, your mates event Ha, burn the piss out up 10 minutes. And then that was it was forgotten about it. If you're at home, sending out message after message after message, and getting nothing back, that has to be hitting your self esteem. So really,

Carole Ann Rice: 10:39

I'm wondering use going back to the limiting beliefs do men have different beliefs around dating to women.

Unknown: 10:48

And I think they probably present them differently. But I think the same is true that it's fear. And it's fear of rejection that your husband studies into the thing that holds men back from approaching women, and generally in dating is that fear of rejection? Because nobody wants to be rejected. But equally, you know, if you think of old days, you walked into a pub, you could scan 100 people in the room, go oh, I just interested in that one. But now you have to like almost kind of meet 100 people or message 100 people before you can find the one. So there is loads of loads of rejection you're going to hit. And I think the fear of it is maybe a bit stronger for men. Whereas I think women will create a bit more of a story around of it's the apps fault is the guy's fault. It's my age fault. It's my weight fault. It's the whereas the thing guys are a bit more. This is me and I'm getting rejected.

Carole Ann Rice: 11:49

Yeah, is funny because the single male friend up the sorry clients that I've coached, uniformly say it's much easier for women to meet, women can be the pickers. They're the ones who get to pick. And I was quite surprised that they thought it was much much easier for women to have access to getting dates than it is for men is that men have that is that an absolute fact that was easier for women?

Unknown: 12:18

Hmm. So I would say that one of the problems with dating at the moment is this kind of disconnect that I think is happening, where you do have men sitting in a camp saying it's easier for women, it's harder for guys, they can all have a pick and they're not picking me. And if you kind of look at the stats, then that does flow through like Tinder is 80% men. I think Bumble is 70% hinges 60% men so it is more men on there than women. And then also, there's been surveys into how women interact with we're dating apps and they are a lot choosier. So they are picking, I think there will be swiping right as in yes to 30% of the people the profiles that they see. So then, as a story, you can put that together, it's easier for men. But then in the other camp, you have women saying it's harder for women because you know, they are experiencing quite bad behaviour like that ghosting. Everyone will talk men and women will talk about how the messaging goes nowhere. You know, it almost gets into pen pals situation, like hey, how's your day? My day was good, how was your day? And it's like, tedious and boring. But nobody's breaking pasta to be like, Okay, well, let's talk about something real. And I think I wonder if there's an element where, like, it's my background is ecommerce, right? So I'm used to running websites to sell the most clothes and shoes and handbags that we can. And if you think about somebody landing on a page of dresses, you got to put the most popular dresses at the top. So if that's, you know, bumble, hinge, Tinder, they need women to stay in the apps or else they don't have a business. So they must be putting the most popular profiles in front of women to be like, hey, look, we've got all these really good ones. And then you're swiping yesterday those but no to lots of others. But they're the really popular ones. So they're going loads and loads of messages, and maybe they're not acting particularly nicely because they're like, Hey, can all the women think you have like, just this kind of chunk of people are not getting any attention and it is hard. And yeah, this kind of what brought me to doing dating coaching actually from from fashion ecommerce, which may seem like a bit of a step was when I met my husband through Tinder, I saw how hard it was for him. And his friends were the same it was I send out all these messages and we get absolutely Tumbleweed and they were delighted when Bumble came along. So it was like hey, the women have to message us we don't have to do as much work and that was when I respond and they still don't respond to me. So yeah, I think there's kind of truth behind both stories, but something needs to change. Yeah, to get out of those stories, I guess. So what

Carole Ann Rice: 15:05

what is the alchemy of getting? Attention, a good a good story going a good conversation going apart from Hi, how's your day, which is really boring? And have a nice day and what you up to? It's hard work. So what's a good a good strategy? What what give us give our listeners some tips on how to break the ice and get attention and warm things up?

Unknown: 15:28

Well, first, I'd say it starts with the profile. So put some effort into it. And I think because there's a bit of dissatisfaction online dating generally paper, but like, Oh, I'm not gonna like, you know, spend loads of time doing this, because it probably won't come about and anyway, so they're just chucking up a few pictures and barely even writing a profile. Whereas, you know, if you put up nice pictures, which clearly show you and who you are, and maybe shows a bit of what you're interested in. So people have started conversation based on that. If you put up a profile, that's, you know, it's you. And it's honestly you and it's what you're looking for not like that, you see a lot of kind of quite negative profiles where it's like, Oh, don't want your job or don't want somebody that's only interested in x, y Zed, like, don't be negative, just be like, This is me, this is what I bring to the table, this is what I'm looking for. And then your profile will send out because it's honest. And then when the messaging starts, like, if you match with somebody just message them, it doesn't matter who messages first, it doesn't matter if they respond or not like just send the message out and let Destiny do the rest. You take the action and then let Destiny do it. I would say definitely get the messaging moved to what I call a predate as soon as you can because the longer you message. Yeah, even if it's interesting messaging, you're talking about Stranger, you've never met them. It will fizzle out. Or worse still, your imagination kicks in. Because we've all watched loads rom coms, and you think this person is the most amazing person ever. And this day is going to be wild when we have this day. And like this is there. I've met the one. And then you go into day and it's just like, No, this real person cannot live up to your imagination. So yeah, absolutely kick the messages as quickly as you can. Yeah. and I are kind of comfortable way to like, hey, let's just meet up for a drink a coffee. And when I say pre date, I mean just one hour, and just keep it to that. And the only question you're answering is do I want to see them again? It's not our they're the future parent and my children. We have you back this wonderful life together? Can we travel the world together? No, it's just do I want to see them again?

Carole Ann Rice: 17:29

I love that. Because don't don't we have really wild and active imagination. Some people may think yeah, is he the father of my children? Or is she going to look after me and old age? Hold on If I need just had a coffee? I don't know anything about each other. So big try and manage your expectations. Not see too far ahead. And I think coming down to would I just like to see this person again is a nice next step. So simply put some time into your profile? Answer message people and get asked questions. Last question.

Unknown: 18:02

More than one word. Yeah, it's kind of basics. But it is the basics of like how you connect with humans, but for some reason in online dating, we seem to shut that down a little bit. Which is ironic. Yeah,

Carole Ann Rice: 18:15

I'm, I'm someone who's really old school. I like politeness. And it seems in dating, there's such bad manners to ghost to not get back to, you know, I don't know, just not be polite and say, I really loved the day. But it was you're not for me. It's not for me, you know. And wife, my one of my friends is so used to doing this, she had a very beautiful, written out auto respond, response email that was very kind and compassionate. And I can see you're a really nice person, but it's not what I'm looking for at the moment, and blah, blah, blah. And she just used that, rather than not ever saying anything, again, sent a very nice email to people, thanking them, but not not.

Unknown: 18:58

Basically, like all the work I do with clients is giving them the confidence to be them. And I don't say like, you have to follow this game plan or do X, Y and Zed. I'm just like, we're going to you're going to be you and know that the right press review is gonna love you. But the one word I have is absolutely no ghosting. And if you're in a situation where you're thinking about ghosting, then you message me and I will help you. I have like kind of templates on hand but also, I have tweaked them for them. I had one client he became like, these beautiful messages he was sending and I was like, oh my god, I'd love to get on and they're so lovely and like thoughtful or these messages he was sending or like thanks but no thanks. Yeah, but also like really big and people up and I was like that's a really kind thing to do. And yeah, kindness back. Yeah. And

Carole Ann Rice: 19:46

have I think have awareness about the pictures you put up. I mean, I've had a lot of women's so they don't like the man with the fish picture.

Unknown: 19:54

I don't understand. This picture.

Carole Ann Rice: 19:58

Might be very impressive down the pub. You mates later. But it's not making you a good cat in inverted commas as such. And some men say I don't like a woman with a glass of wine, it looks, they find that off putting, for whatever reason, maybe it's faith based thing, or that just feels under they feel uncomfortable. So what are the do's and don'ts were photos?

Unknown: 20:20

Well, I think one of the kind of issues that's leading people down doing some of these things is they're trying to be all things to all people, and they're trying to, like, create a profile that's gonna get lots of matches. And, you know, like, if we take that kind of, um, I don't understand the fish ones, I won't even try to understand that one. But like, I've had clients being like, oh, everyone puts up a bikini picture, I just don't feel comfortable when a bikini picture, I'm like, don't put up a bikini culture like, this is your profile, it reflects you, it doesn't matter. If that means it's not going to attract the people that want to see bikini pitcher, because you probably don't have a date with them anyway. And, you know, there's this kind of almost following a template to be like, that will attract the most people. But maybe it's better to attract less, because then you're attracting people who are genuinely interested in same things as you're interested in. Yeah. And you have a chance of actually making a connection. And, you know, we can fall into this trap of dating being like, social media that it's the more likes I get, the better I am. And it's like, it's not you're just trying to find one person. Yeah. And actually, if that means you only matter, 10 people versus 100 people, that's less admin, and more chance that one of those is actually going to connect with you. That's a good thing.

Carole Ann Rice: 21:36

Yeah, you don't need likes, you just need some quality likes, right sort of people.

Unknown: 21:43

Yeah. Any other pictures reflect you, ideally, smiling. Definitely, like being able to see you so no, glasses on. So I've kind of generally say the first picture should be a bit like we are now it's kind of HRD I can see your face. And then later on, have one at least that shows the full length view so people can see what your physique is what your height is. Because that is so important to people, which is another bugbear of mine. Yeah, and then just put in ones that kind of show something that might be like, you know, if you're into skiing, or if you're into sports, or if you're into cooking, shows that kind of things that you're into, and then it's easy for people to start a conversation.

Carole Ann Rice: 22:31

Hi, I'm Caroline, I've been a coach for 20 years, and I share all my incredible coaching tools and techniques at the pure Coaching Academy. If you're looking to train to be a life coach, join us is eight weeks of pure, fun, intense training and everything you need to know about becoming a world class life coach, we also show you the tools and techniques you need to supply amazing abundant practice to pure coaching academy.com is where you need to go to see how to change the world with you doing what you do best as an amazing life coach. There my friend is five foot 10 And she puts that in and she's on purpose because she doesn't really want to date a significantly younger episode, shorter man. And she's quite honest about it and says this is my I am tall. I don't wear heels but I am tall. And that I just want to put that out there and some some men have been quite offended, like what's your height got to do with anything so it hasn't been mean something to me. But you know, she's being super honest there. But you mentioned social media earlier and likes but you know, I'm I'm a kind of I go into the Tick Tock vortex sometimes and I do learn a lot. I'm not just I either get a recipe or a great idea or laugh out loud or get angry about something, you know, but what has been coming through is the divisive divisiveness between the sexes. And this kind of she's like this and he's like that and all men are this and all women are that and quite a war going on. I mean, I know it's not you know, it's tick tock is social media is not necessarily how it is out there. But are you noticing that this kind of factions and angry criticisms of each other that does is not helping the situation?

Unknown: 24:29

Yeah, I definitely see it like in the wider context of what I'm consuming on social media. Yes. When I'm working with people one to one not so much. There's this kind of broad generalisation I think exists where and it's more maybe from personal experience of like if you've been doing online dating for a while, and you're sending out nice messages and you're just getting one word answers. It's like, oh my God, why can't they just write something back? So I definitely see I like on the kind of one to one interactions. I have that generalisation of like, I've had some bad experiences, therefore all men are bad at messaging, all men have terrible profiles or whatever. And I don't, I don't think that is the case, I think everyone is feeling a bit lost and a bit fed up of dating. And that's coming through and it's feeling like we're taking it personally. So somebody that's fed up of dating is just sending one word answers. And then I'm interpreting that saying, Oh, they're not interested in me. And then that's lowering my self esteem. And then my defence is all the guys are shed. So I'm not going to interact, and then I don't have to address the the hurt that I'm feeling. But yeah, in the wider context, yes. Oh, my God, some of the comments on things are absolutely wild. Bumble recently posed their advertising campaign, because they had done if you'd seen it, celibacy. celibacy. Yeah, so definitely a bit misguided. And they've pulled out the vision and apology. But then all the comments on it were women kind of like this is what's wrong with society. This is why we're men are just interested in the physicalities and intimacy. And this is women are being used as commodities. And Baba played into it and not another law. And I was like, tell, I just don't think that's true for 100% of the male population. And then yeah, on the flipside, you have the in cell culture is growing, which is that involuntarily celibate, which I imagine is probably where Bumble got the idea from, but it is quite a male dominated space. And you I listened to a really good professor who's never gonna forget now, his first name is David Peck, I remember a second, Russell, I think, talk about it. And he was concerned about how easy it is, for people to kind of slip into these forms of like, you know, we might on the outside, go inside and rotate. You know, they're just horrible people. And it's just this tiny little percentage of society. But actually, you know, if you think of the logical conclusion of I'm sitting home and sending messages are not getting written back. I'm not getting any interest. Why are women terrible? What what is wrong? Me, you can very quickly go to, Why are women X Y, Zed? Let me Google that, then I end up in this forum, which actually can feel like a safe space because there's other people experiencing the same and they are quite, can be quite misogynistic, quite horrible views around women in there, and then you create this even bigger divide. And that's obviously like the extreme but that yeah, there's not nice stuff out there. And then on tick tock, I don't know if you've come across this spring,

Carole Ann Rice: 27:54

on what it mean.

Eimear Draper: 27:56

So this, this lady who she finishes every video, like sprinkle, sprinkle. But to me, I watch it. And I'm like, we've come back to the 1950s. It's very much so like, you know, if your man is doing this, what you need to do is this. And it's kind of like manipulation. And you know, that whole you're a high value woman he should be treating you like high value, I'm IE, paying for this button, the other. And I was like, hold on, we fought to be equal in terms of pay, which we're still not there. But now we're going to slip back into I don't want to work. So I'm just going to get a rich man sprinkle sprinkle isn't even really sarcastic now. I just I find all that a bit dangerous on both sides. Ultimately, people want to connect. Yeah.

Carole Ann Rice: 28:46

And I think it is dangerous. And a friend of mine, she's mature lady and got interested in a guy was interested in her. And another friend said, We'll sit nurse or purse. And I said, What? What do you mentioned were men of a certain age even want your money. Or they want you to be their nurse or care. Basically. Everything got a cynical tag to it now, you know. But looking up things and finding a forum is what they call confirmation bias. And if enough people say the same thing, then it must be true, but it's not necessarily true. But it makes the brain feel Oh, good. I'm not on my own then and, you know, sort of a security in it. But it's not necessarily the truth. And it's not a good thing going forward. Yeah. And

Eimear Draper: 29:35

I think that confirmation bias plays out on a soul level as well. So if you think or guys are just interested in this or or women are just interested in money or whatever, then when you meet people, because you already think that you're just finding stuff to prove yourself right? Even though they may not fit into that mould at all. Because everyone wants to feel like they're right. It's confirmation bias.

Carole Ann Rice: 29:59

It's So to typically how do you work with a client that comes to you for dating coaching? What happens when that when they sign up with you?

Unknown: 30:10

We kind of start with, right? Where are you? What is the truth of where are you?

Eimear Draper: 30:16

Because, you know, I touched on those stories that were telling, I'm like, I'm too busy today, or I'm fine on my own, or I'm not, you know, quite often it's like, I'm not sure if I want kids or not. And it's like, Okay, let's get real and honest, and get to the heart of where you actually are like, what don't you like about being single? What do you like about being single, you're not talking to friends, where you haven't put up a front, you're just being honest and telling me where you're at. And then we kind of start to build up a bit of like, okay, so if that's where we are, now, we want to create change, let's build off some belief that you can create that change, and work on self confidence and esteem. And when we create a vision of a dream of what you want in that relationship, and it's not your yacht, and a Ferrari and a really tall, hunky person, it's what do you want to feel. And most of us want to feel that we're part of a team, somebody has our back, we've got theirs that we can feel emotionally safe. And just really get like clear on that. And then we look at the old stories, which is, what is the Bf, so you're telling yourself that's blocking you. And then we just create this, like, really lovely positive energy around you and your life, and what your future life is going to be like when you have that person in it. Because there's, there's kind of three relationships isn't there, there's your love of yourself, the love of your life, and then the love of the partner that you invite into that life that you love. So it's kind of like working on the three of those of the third pieces is maybe the missing party, piece of the jigsaw. And then that's the kind of practical side of it. So there's a lot around the personal mindset and belief and confidence. And then there's the practicalities of, okay, how are you gonna meet some new people? How are you getting out there? Do you want to do online dating? Do you not want to do it? Like some people are just adamant they're not doing it? And that's fine. But then we need to find other things. So are you going to join some things where you're part of a wider community, and you can start being more present and open and talking to people? Are you going to start going to singles events, I tried to make sure everyone's doing a mix of things, but I don't push anyone into anything they're uncomfortable with.

Unknown: 32:26

And then if we're doing online dating, it's like, okay, which platform we're going to use, let's do your profile together. My strategies for like, getting to the swiping messaging to date quickly. Quite often, if people have been dating for a while they have some bad habits better built up. So we have to strip those away. And it's yeah, we look at judgement and letting go of that and letting go of control. Because, again, back to like what we talked about, initially at the start of destiny, you know, there is an element of destiny in it in it, but we have to take the action. Also, we need to not be so controlling that we're blocking destiny from doing what it's meant to be doing. So yeah, there's lots of different elements, and then it's whatever comes up for a person because sometimes we might spend a few extra weeks on the limiting beliefs you

Carole Ann Rice: 33:16

make, it sounds so lovely. It's such a lovely process and kind and compassionate and helping people love themselves love their life, and find the love of their life. So you know, I'm gonna ask him, what's the what's the result? What's the success rate like

Unknown: 33:32

for you? And if it's good, yeah, I would say about a third of people are now in long term relationships since working with me.

Eimear Draper: 33:41

And, you know, sometimes it works right away while we're working together, they will meet somebody, or sometimes it's, you know, maybe six months later, I'll get a message being like, Oh, hey, I've met somebody. Some people don't tell me. So that's why I think it's about a third.

Unknown: 33:58

And, yeah, and, you know, I do say to everyone, I'm your wingwoman. So, the best thing I can do is get a call from somebody that's like, I'm seeing this person, and I think it's good, but like this thing came up, and can I just chat to you? And I'm like, yeah, come hit me. And yeah, it's really lovely. When that that happens, quite often with people that you know, it's almost surprised them, if anything. So yeah, what I tried to do is just instil that confidence and that belief and love and then give them positive habits of, you know, instead of dating me like I'm dating, I'm not dating, I'm dating. I'm not dating. It's like, right, there's a baseline of just showing up and being out there. And just keep it going until you find you this sounds

Carole Ann Rice: 34:42

wonderful. I often have clients say there's a spark I want fireworks, and I you know what, who after a year or six months carries on with fireworks in any relationship, the spark is the initial kind of attraction, but to continuously want The Mad butterflies in the stomach excitement is not sustainable. Nothing in life provides that level of thrill. So I do think people's expectations are a bit bit out of sync with reality. And, you know, in their mind what they think a loving, romantic relationship will be, in reality is like, you might just be playing Scrabble with a cup of coffee, instead of cocktails on the beach in Greece or something. But

Eimear Draper: 35:30

yeah, there's a few things that kind of play in of like that fireworks. Is it a kind of fairy tale that you've seen, through the books that we read when we're kids and to the movies and the rom coms or whatever? So even? Is it a realistic expectation? Is it your anxious nervous system being triggered, because actually, this isn't really a safe, emotionally safe place for you? So you're kind of on nerves, and that's the butterflies or, you know, sometimes people might refer back to like, you're there first. I've been there great love. And as I put everything, like when it was a first everything was new and exciting. So you know, that relationship that you had when you were 1718? Whatever? Is it ever going to feel like it does when you're in your 30s? Probably not. But that doesn't mean it's any lesser or the sparks aren't there? It's just it's a more mature version of what love is. Because, yeah, there's lost of all the love, but there's also just teamwork and the day to day of looking out for each other, which might sound boring, but is the reality. So yeah,

Carole Ann Rice: 36:42

having having someone who's got your back and will help you do the heavy lifting in life is a good partner. It's not always the hot high days and holidays and the champagne and roses. It's, you know, the basically the kind of hard graft of keeping a relationship going and life is hard. It's not always the fun stuff. So that brings me round and effortless segue into so what gets you out of bed? And what how do you show up and shine when you're not feeling it? What do you draw upon what inspires you what motivates you to keep going in your business, and in life, generally, ima.

Unknown: 37:23

Life generally is a family I suppose. And like, sort of salmon, I have two small girls, and you don't have choices. When you've got a four and a half year old. It's like, okay, up again. I love the idea of making my parents proud because they give so much to me when I was growing up. Sam and I have quite a clear vision of a life that we're trying to build. So since we've had our first order, almost four years ago, he's gotten self employed. And then I've gone self employed. Because we wanted this like flexible. We're both on hand, we're 5050 and in the time with the girls. So pulling my weight in that, I guess is part of getting up and going as well. But there's definitely things that I have to do to trick my mind into being like, okay, come on, you can do it. And one sounds really silly, but it is red lipstick. And it is you just kind of putting on the right that's it. I'm here. You know, I'm just sitting at a table in our spare bedroom. But I've got my Sherman red lipstick on my sparkly earrings on. Because that just makes me feel a bit more like a I'm here. And you know, like, in my previous work, it was always high heels. So that was that made me feel ready. Now I've got my high heels on, have more in those years. And a walk I am lucky I live beside Hampstead Heath, which is a lovely green space in London and I tried to walk out everyday and just get out and start today with movement and fresh air and trees and usually listen to a podcast.

Carole Ann Rice: 39:06

Lovely, lovely. So red lipstick nature had sparkly earrings. Powered Laos will do. So yeah, I was gonna say to finish off. So to the listeners who are thinking, there's no one out there for me. I've tried everything. Have you got a message of hope for them something that they can take away to think about?

Unknown: 39:30

Well, I would say one, there's probably for every person that's sitting at home thinking that there's another person that's at home, sitting out there thinking I just want to meet somebody that's kind that's nice that I can share life with. And I would challenge anybody to like just look at themselves and look at all they've achieved or they've done all they do for others and say, will you make somebody's life better? Because I'm pretty certain you will. And then it's just a matter of like flipping that idea of day between being out desperately seeking trying to find somebody to enabling somebody to find you, because you will make somebody's life better. There is somebody sitting out there going, I just want to meet a nice person to make my life better. And then if you're both out there, you will eventually find each other. Oh, if

Carole Ann Rice: 40:17

I took question emoji of all the hearts I would press that now all those little were lovely hearts floating across the screen. What a lovely way to end EMA. There's someone out there thinking. I want to meet someone who's gonna make my life better. You could be that person on a lovely thought. Thank you so much. So it's kindling dating look for Eema. So you've got lots of freebies on your website. I love the picture of you and your husband and underneath at your wedding. It's met on Tinder. So long there it's all the true stories there and you know, make make today the day that you contact EMA and make a date with destiny and the man or woman who's going to make your life better. Thank you so much. Even a great guest Have a lovely day you too.

Unknown: 41:01

You have been listening to show up and shine podcast. Thank you for tuning into our latest episode. If you would like to learn more about becoming a coach, contact me at pure coaching academy.com. In the meantime, don't forget to be divine. Just show up and Shine, shine your light whatever the weather