Navigating Holiday Feels

In this episode we discuss ways to process through and cope with a variety of emotions that arise during the holiday season. I provide actionable steps to soothe unpleasant emotions and create an alternate feeling state during the holiday season.

Disclaimer: Although I am a licensed therapist, the information in this podcast is not therapy and not intended to replace mental health counseling.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 1:38

Welcome to the Feel and Find Out podcast. I'm your host, Raquel Delusha, and I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and solo private practice owner. I have spent my career helping adults and couples understand themselves and their emotions so that they can be more authentic in their lives and relationships. I am here to help you find out who the F you are by actually feeling what you feel. It's time to change the way we view our emotions, our inner world, and the way we communicate so that we can thrive in our relationships, our businesses, and truly align with our felt sense of self. I am bringing you clinical insights from the therapy room, personal lived experiences, as well as some experts in the mental health industry and beyond. So take a deep breath and let's feel and find out. So this will drop on the Friday before Christmas. And um, you know, I wanted to devote an episode to talk about the emotions we experience around the holidays and how for some this is a really joyous time. For some, this is a really stressful time. And for some, this is a very sad, lonely time. And I wanted to just acknowledge that there is space for all of these emotional experiences around the holiday season, no matter which holiday you celebrate. So let's just talk about some of the more unpleasant emotions that can come up during holidays and ways in which you can acknowledge those feelings, soothe them, and things you can do, actions you can take to have a different experience this holiday season. So some of the more unpleasant emotions that can come up starting with stress. You know, there's often a lot of pressure around the holidays to host the gathering, to get the perfect gift, to make it so magical and special for your kids. And, you know, maybe finances are not exactly available to support your ideal Christmas or your ideal holiday. And you might beat yourself up about that. You may feel guilty, you know, guilt that you can't provide the holiday you wish you could, or guilt that you can't go see that family member who might not live near you. You know, um, so stress, pressure, guilt, sadness, you know, what if you're alone for the holidays and everybody around you and all of the movies, and you know, you're seeing on social media everybody posting their dinners and their, you know, gatherings or their parties, and you don't have anyone to celebrate that with. So loneliness you might feel throughout the year that's easier to manage becomes very much in your face during the holidays, especially if you see it around you. Um, so you know, it's a time where you might get really hard on yourself and down on yourself because perhaps you're say single and you want to be in a relationship, or you're in a relationship that you don't want to be in. You know, December is actually a high rate of divorce. There is a high rate of divorce and separation this month. Um, you know, holiday time gets people realizing what they might want that is different from what they have, or what they need that's different from what they have. So, yeah, loneliness can be in the form of being actually alone and also feeling alone with the company you keep, feeling alone within your family, alone within your relationship. And holidays can really amplify that. Another experience that's you know can be really heavy this time of year is grief and loss. You know, if you've lost a loved one, a parent, a partner, a friend, a child, a family member, a colleague, you know. Grief is is an interesting experience because it is such a journey. It is a roller coaster. It can be triggered out of nowhere. It can feel like maybe you've worked through it and then suddenly you get hit with a wave. And the holidays can absolutely bring that up for people. You know, that feeling of loss, um, that feeling of mourning can be fairly consuming when there is a lot of, let's say, prescribed joy around you, because this time of year is supposed to be joyous, right? According to everyone, according to society, you know, the season of giving, spread joy, spread love. You know, depending on if you celebrate Christmas and why you celebrate Christmas, you know, is it due to the you know, the Christian components of it, or is it the uh, you know, Americanized uh version of just gifts and consumerism, right? And I'm not saying I subscribe to either orb. I'm just saying these are those are the two reasons people might celebrate, right? And when there is this prescribed or assumed joy during a season, and you're not experiencing that feeling, you your grief will increase, and you're just confronted with it on a higher level because of the collective around you is you know supposed to be experiencing something different. Another unpleasant emotion would be disappointment. Maybe you had high hopes for this end of the year, right? So Christmas also signifies the end of the year and New Year's is coming, and maybe you're not where you want to be this season. And maybe you're flooded with disappointment. Maybe your kid, you know, didn't want to come visit you. Maybe you haven't spoken to a loved one or a family member in a long time, and you were hoping that by this season there would be a reconnection, and there's not, and you're disappointed. So, out of all of these unpleasant feelings, it's so important that you can acknowledge them when they show up and make space to experience them. You know, however you experience your feelings, and maybe you don't know how to do that, and that's perfectly okay. You're here to learn. You know, is it crying? Like let it out, release those pent-up emotions that are now amplified because of this time of year. You know, notice what they are. Like, what is it that you're experiencing? Is it stress? Is it grief? Is it sadness, loneliness, guilt, disappointment? Maybe it's envy. Maybe you see others around you looking like they're having a wonderful time in the most wonderful time of the year, right? And you don't have that and you're envious. You know, step one is to acknowledge the feeling, give it room. Where does it live in the body? Can you find it? If you can't, that's okay. Can you take three deep breaths in through the nose, out through the mouth, and just connect to where that emotion lives? And then I want you to ask it, what do you need? What does this feeling need right now? Does it need to just exist? Does it need to be? Does it need to, do I need to release it? Do I need to cry? Do I need to express it? Do I need to write a letter? You know, the power of the written word is underutilized when expressing feelings. Sometimes there's no one to verbalize it to in your life. Sometimes you don't know how to, but writing it is kind of this just stream of consciousness, and it allows those feelings to be released, put onto paper. Get them, you know, let them flow through you into or onto a piece of paper, onto your computer, whatever works for you. So again, what does this emotion need? Maybe it's a time to evaluate new connections you might want. How do you forge new relationships? You know, there are you are not alone if you are feeling lonely, if you are feeling isolated. So many people out there are in the same boat, in the same age bracket as you, in the same demographic as you, or maybe different. They're out there and they seek and crave connection. And we have the gift of the internet now, right? Where you can look it up online. You can go to websites that offer groups, that offer support groups. Facebook has a ton of these. You know, lonely Christmas. I would imagine if I type that in right now, it's probably there. Um, find your people, join a meditation group, join a breathwork group. There are free classes everywhere. You know, take a course. Get that brain going, right? Maybe you maybe it's time to learn a language. Go to your local community college, learn a new language. Make a goal for yourself, do something with your hands. Maybe you want to do pottery, maybe you want to do art. Maybe you want to learn to sew, right? And then when you're in these courses, you're gonna meet like-minded people and you're gonna build connections. Okay, so in addition to noticing and labeling and acknowledging and accepting, embracing how you feel in this moment, asking what it needs, you also need to take some action. You know, depending on your temperament and your personality, you may need something soothing, like a nice warm bath. You might need something a little more endorphin-releasing or intense, like a spin class, a hike. You know, there are different types of hikes, right? There's the easy ones, there's the challenging ones. Uh, you might want a cold plunge. Um, you know, that that's getting a lot of uh hype these days and never done it and don't think I ever will, but people say it's pretty cool. Uh, you might need a long stretch. You might need a conversation. You know, what's that? What's that one thing that you've wanted to do all year that you haven't? Maybe you've wanted a bike so badly. You want to get into outdoor biking, mountain biking, you want to be in nature. What's that place you wanted to go to? You know, you've been thinking of going to this destination, and I'm not talking fancy resort. I'm saying, uh, you know, you want to go up north. I live in Arizona, so I'm thinking up north, where the mountains are, where the trees are. It's a whole different atmosphere than where I live in Arizona and Phoenix in the desert. You know, maybe you've wanted to go there all year, and now's the time. You know, do you have the ability to book that trip? Whatever that looks like, you know, take a look at your means. What if it's just buying a plant, starting a garden? You know, writing a story. Like, what is it that will give you some fulfillment during this time when you're feeling a general lacking? All of these things I listed are practices that you can try for comfort, for connection. I think the main theme of the holiday season is seeking comfort and connection, seeking that joy, again, that prescribed joy. How do you find that joy and integrate that into your life, into your day, into a moment? It doesn't always have to look like it does for everyone else or the way that society says it should. It can look however it needs to look for you. You know, is it going and sitting in Barnes and Noble and just browsing the books, getting a hot chocolate, getting a coffee, you know, taking in that store, right? That I mean, I say this because that would be my ideal uh outing. You know, going and sitting in that bookstore, finding a new bookstore, you know, walking around Michael's. Maybe you're a crafter. Find out what you like to do, what lights you up and do that thing. Maybe you're gonna go volunteer. You know, give back, volunteer at a homeless shelter, volunteer at an animal shelter. You know, give some of your time without expecting anything in return, and connecting with those out there who are in need. You know, that can be really rewarding. Um and connecting, you know, you're connecting with another group of individuals who you would not have connected with before. You know, and of course, exercise, I as I mentioned, you know, that looks different for everybody. Find the movement in your life that works for you. It doesn't have to be the gym, it doesn't have to be, you know, lifting weights, even though that is really good for your health. It could be a long walk, it could be a bike, it could be a nice deep stretch. My point here is when you notice the things that are coming up for you during the holiday season, if they are unpleasant, the answer is not to push them down. The answer is not to suppress them and shame yourself for having them and wish you were feeling something else. That is not the answer. The answer is to connect with that feeling, acknowledge it, find out what it needs, and then take a different action. No matter how small, every step counts when it comes to actions. Every step counts. Okay. I hope this was helpful. I hope that you found some comfort in this episode. You know, I hope that no matter where you are in your life, that you can, you know, embrace where you are this holiday season. I hope that you can find a new hobby, a new, you know, something to fill your cup that may be a little less traditional than what you're seeing on TV and what you're seeing in social media this holiday season. So reach out to me, send me a DM if this resonated for you. Uh, you know, I always love to have conversations uh with you guys about the episodes. Um and as always, I want you to take a deep breath and know that we are all here to feel and find out. Happy holidays to you all. I'll see you next time.