Can closure really bring us peace, or is it just a myth we chase? Join me on a heartfelt journey as I share my personal story of losing my mother suddenly and how the unwavering affirmation of love between us provided an unexpected sense of serenity. We'll explore the profound parallels between the grief of losing a loved one and the emotional chaos of breakups, diving deep into my own relationships and the karmic cycles that have shaped them. From identifying red flags to setting boundaries, you'll hear about my growth and the resolution of long-standing issues, culminating in my decision to end my relationship with Mr. Florida—marking a significant step in breaking a detrimental cycle and fostering self-pride.
But what does closure after a breakup really mean? In this episode, we demystify the often misunderstood concept, emphasizing that true closure is about reaching an internal point of acceptance, rather than seeking answers from the other person. Through a blend of personal anecdotes and scientific insights, we reveal how breakups can trigger brain responses similar to drug withdrawal, making it a daunting task to move on. Learn about various approaches to achieving closure, from spending one last meaningful moment together to writing out your feelings and cutting ties with your ex. We highlight the transformative power of self-love and personal boundaries, stressing that true peace and happiness are found within. Join me for an eye-opening discussion on taking control of your healing process and finding confidence in your truth.
Can closure really bring us peace, or is it just a myth we chase? Join me on a heartfelt journey as I share my personal story of losing my mother suddenly and how the unwavering affirmation of love between us provided an unexpected sense of serenity. We'll explore the profound parallels between the grief of losing a loved one and the emotional chaos of breakups, diving deep into my own relationships and the karmic cycles that have shaped them. From identifying red flags to setting boundaries, you'll hear about my growth and the resolution of long-standing issues, culminating in my decision to end my relationship with Mr. Florida—marking a significant step in breaking a detrimental cycle and fostering self-pride.
But what does closure after a breakup really mean? In this episode, we demystify the often misunderstood concept, emphasizing that true closure is about reaching an internal point of acceptance, rather than seeking answers from the other person. Through a blend of personal anecdotes and scientific insights, we reveal how breakups can trigger brain responses similar to drug withdrawal, making it a daunting task to move on. Learn about various approaches to achieving closure, from spending one last meaningful moment together to writing out your feelings and cutting ties with your ex. We highlight the transformative power of self-love and personal boundaries, stressing that true peace and happiness are found within. Join me for an eye-opening discussion on taking control of your healing process and finding confidence in your truth.
closure. Is it really really necessary? Do you need it? Have you had to have it every time something ended? Let's talk about it. The Lovey Mishy by podcast. Let's inspire each other. Let's inspire each other. If we're thinking optimistically, maybe we want to know that reason, because we want to improve ourselves, we want to take away something from that relationship and improve ourselves. Maybe it's because we need somebody to blame.
Speaker 1:
What if closure has to do with death? It's similar, a lot of people say, when you get divorced and you go through a loss of a loved one. It's very similar. Your body feels the same if you are in that intense love, and even if you weren't, that person was there every day. That's why people compare it to death. In death you don't get closure, you know, unless it's a long illness. But if it's something that happens quickly, like very, very quickly, you struggle with that because you didn't have a chance to do what you needed to do so that you could move on. My mom, she died. She died suddenly. I didn't have closure. But now that I'm so many years removed from the actual event, I don't know that I could have handled getting closure. I don't think it would have went well for me, and this is exactly how it had to play out for me to be able to be okay, because, feeling like you were holding on to the memories. Every second you were with them, knowing they wouldn't be here in six months, they wouldn't be here in three months. I don't know if I'm built to handle things like that. You don't know until you're put in it and I got to tell you. I hope I'm never put in it, but I definitely have empathy for people that have to go through long-term illnesses, because that's hard. But in my case I didn't get closure, except I did live every day to tell my mom that I loved her and her me. There was nothing left unsaid when she died. That was my closure. So that closure in that moment I'm grateful for, and it told me that you need to live your life telling people that you love them.
Speaker 1:
That is one area of closure. Another one is obviously relationships. I think I have been living in a karmic cycle. It's going to make sense to you once you hear it Okay, so just just go with it. Just go with it.
Speaker 1:
I think we're all given, like life, obstacles that we're meant to overcome, and if you don't overcome it, you keep getting that test over and over again. I've identified what mine is my biggest. Okay, that's not my only, but one area, one area that was one of my bigger obstacles has been relationships. I kept living the same obstacle over and over again and, yeah, it may have been different situations, different people, different issues, but ultimately it was, it was the relationships that were detrimental to me, and so I needed to find my part in these relationships to be able to heal this karmic cycle that I was in for so long. I wish I could say that it was a big parade and I was like now I'm done, now I'm through it. I don't know if I will ever be through it, I don't know.
Speaker 1:
I think, what I have done, I've learned to pull the positives from every situation and relationship that I've ever been in. So it's like when you break up with someone and you're like they were such an asshole, they did this, they did that. They were horrible? Yeah, they were, but what did you do? Where did you come in? What can you fix and get better from? I think I've taken the time to heal. I think I've taken the time to move through that and it's caused a lot of growth for me, so much so that I'm able to pick up on a red flag really quickly, super fast. And even though I see them, I still want to be able to give the person an opportunity, because it may not be a total red, maybe it's a pink flag, maybe it's a blush flag. I need to figure out what color the flag is, because I can't look at every obstacle and think that's it. I have to have some give. I am not perfect. How can I expect my partner to be perfect? I don't. You have to figure out your hard boundaries. Your your absolute nose. Then if you come across those, you know it's not going to be a match. I say all of that to say that myself and Mr Florida are a no. We're a no.
Speaker 1:
I had identified red flags back when I was 39. I identified it then. One of my karmic cycles is alcohol. I don't know why it surrounds me. My stepdad was an alcoholic. He no longer is. Well, I guess if you're an alcoholic, you're always an alcoholic, but he has no long. He's been sober I guess 25 years at this point. So I know you can get through it and you can overcome it, but it surrounds me. I don't know what it is. So that was one of the red flags back then.
Speaker 1:
Recently I said I do not want to talk to you if you're drunk, I just don't, I'm not interested. I do not want to talk to you if you're drunk, I just don't, I'm not interested, knowing that may be the last time I talked to him it wasn't the last time, but it's. It is now like we've reached that because he wasn't able to call me and that told me everything I needed to know without living with him, without being in the same state as him. If he's unable to call me when he's sober he must not be sober very much at all during the day right, because you'd think there'd be a time that he could call me when he was sober. So there wasn't and that was it.
Speaker 1:
Like we're done, and I think that was the final karmic loop I needed to close and I'm freaking proud of myself. I'm proud of myself because it could have been very easily. I could have gone the other way with it. You know what I mean. Like I, I could have easily I'm not in the same state easily talk to him, easily tried to have a relationship with him, but I'm at the age right now where I don't want to waste time on bullshit and I'm definitely not going backwards, I'm not looking in the rear view anymore, I'm going forwards and the person that I want to meet or connect with can't have a substance abuse problem. So, on that note, I feel like that was my closure. So I'm sitting here talking about how closure isn't necessary, but sometimes it really is, and in this time, this situation, it was because I always wondered, like, did I make a mistake? Was I the one that gave up too quickly? Um, and I kind of had some regrets about that, because on a very deep soul, intellectual level, mr Florida and I are super compatible, we're magnetic. But I'm not willing to overlook the rest and I needed an opportunity to see that I did, and now I'm moving on. The good thing is, what this did is that put that relationship to bed for me a hundred percent and open my eyes to see that maybe, maybe I do want to date again. Maybe that's okay, maybe that was fun talking to somebody.
Speaker 1:
So I downloaded hinge, just one. I may add two, three or four to the mix, just to kind of see what it's. I will, it's content. I mean, I'll share it with you. You know what I put on there. They have this voice note thing. So I went in there and they have this voice note and the voice note I put it says do not date me. If my voice note was do not date me if you have to drink every night. No, that's not going to work. So I'm putting it out there, like getting in front of it. Yeah, so it's cool. We'll see what happens. I don't know, I always get really bored with them as I kind of get more into the dating apps. I am going to do a whole episode on it. A whole episode on it. It's fun to swipe. Yeah, so closure. I figured I would pull up Reddit and we could learn from the experts, the people that are out there experiencing life, and see what they have to say. That means it's time for my glasses and the librarian is back.
Speaker 1:
Those who got the closure you wanted did it help you move on? I've realized that I'm probably never going to get the closure that I wanted and I can't keep waiting around for it. Sometimes I ask myself would closure really help? What closure do I actually want? I think I'd just like him to take accountability for the things he did wrong. I think I'd just like him to take accountability for the things he did wrong, for us to be able to have a nice chat and thank each other for the good times. Instead, he makes me cry and says mean things and makes me feel stupid for being hurt. I keep getting frustrated at how he handled everything. Besides the odd time he's nice, it's a whirlwind of mixed signals and generally treating me like I don't matter.
Speaker 1:
And if you didn't get the closure, what helped you move on without it? Well, I would like to comment on that. If he's making fun of you for hurting, he's not your person and that's the closure right there. Right there, like why that breaks my heart. You sound like you might be younger, and I say that because I mean when I was younger, I went through a lot of pain and I needed to talk to him and try to get closure on some of the things that he did to me and, looking back, it was such wasted years. You know it was so wasted and I hope, I hope. I'm glad to see you writing about it, though I'm glad to see you getting it off of you and putting it out there and trying to ask other people what they've gone through. I'm going to bet most of these comments are going to be run. Okay, because I see that and I'm. He's not your person. He is never going to what, if, what? If you need him for something that's traumatic in your life? He's, he's laughing, he's he's making fun of you for hurting and he's causing the pain. I don't know, I don't know, I don't like that Bamboo feather.
Speaker 1:
The only closure you need is that you've reached the end of the relationship. You need nothing more than facts. If you're not happy with the explanation you were given, make something up, take that and move forward. This is a fight in your mind and you need to help yourself. Sparkles P, cosmic Heart looks like she has a story. No, it didn't. The multiple times I got the closure I wanted, it never made me feel better. It can help a little bit and I mean like 0.5%, but you're going to feel how you're going to feel.
Speaker 1:
Once you get that closure. You think well, they're a different person than I thought, but that's my issue. They're the ones that have changed. But you just keep making excuse after excuse. That's because the issue isn't rational, it's chemical. When you go through a breakup, studies show that your brain reacts in the same way to the loss of a partner as it does drug withdrawal. All right, I didn't know that the lack of key happy hormones your body produced before causes a withdrawal effect that forced you to hyper focus on your ex as a means of getting that feeling back. So you start to watch things, read things and listen to songs and think all of it applies to your situation, which it may or may not. Understanding the science and making changes to make myself a better, happier person I know that's not the answer that you want, but closure happens anytime you decide for it to happen. You get it from yourself, not a conversation with them.
Speaker 1:
This was, that was a really good. I never really thought of the physical element of it. You know, I knew that it was similar to a death, I knew that that. But the withdrawal effect I mean, that's very real, that's. That's a really really good angle to come from. Okay, from. I'm much like you. I got closure.
Speaker 1:
It was a week later, after we both realized this is happening. It was fucking great to drive up and down the coast for three days eating seafood, swimming and sunbathing. I knew it was the last time as it was happening. We both did best breakup ever. Last thing I said to her was look after yourself. Okay, she said she would. We kissed, I left, drove away. Sometimes bad things aren't so bad. Oh, and yeah, I did move on with a longtime friend of over 25 years. Okay, so, ape Fist, that's these names. Somebody sit down at their computer and go. You know what my username is going to be Ape Fist, why? Okay, anyway, I digress. Yes, in the past it has. I'm one to force closure, I'll admit, because since it's never guaranteed, I push for it.
Speaker 1:
The one I'm going through now is different. They came out of nowhere to be the only consistent source of happiness I've had in over a decade. Now you can't rely on anyone else for happiness. I know that better than most. But there are exceptions, I suppose, because for the past 19 months I had a constant companion who turned a Mad Max landscape into a Disney movie. I mean stupid happy, singing songs and shit.
Speaker 1:
I wasn't happy when we met and I had reached a point where I accepted that I will never be happy, having just gotten out of a relationship with a bona fide NPD BPD nightmare, with the honeymoon grooming discard bullshit. If you've ever been through that evil cycle. You know the number it does on your brain. So I was extra dark and cynical when I met what became the light of my life. If this is life and a sweet, lovable guy like me can't make any long-term relationships last due to some defect I possess, then I stand and overturn the table and yell fuck this. What's the goddamn point? Heartbreak is trauma. It's emotional assault, but we all accept it as a part of the process. When someone we love with all our hearts and souls wakes up one day and decides that they haven't fucked anybody over for a while, why not their partner? Oh, there ought to be a fine forfeiture of assets or something. I hate everything. Right now I might go start a bar fight, fight tonight. This one's from Brave the World and I do like their handle.
Speaker 1:
People have a lot of troubles taking responsibility for their action. Everyone does. Therefore, it is very unlikely that you're going to get the closure that you think you need. It is always going to be a miserable I said, you said situation that's going to leave you even more hurt and confused. Fact is, you do need closure, but not from him. He will never take responsibility. You got to be confident in your truth. You don't need his or anyone else's approval on what you think or feel. Be confident in your truth. I've been in your situation before. What I did was writing a long message with my truth and sent it to her. I blocked her from everything before she had a chance to reply because I knew it would just hurt me more. Some people told me that it was a cruel thing to do and I wouldn't necessarily recommend you do that, but it was what I needed to start my healing process and forget about that person. Be confident with yourself and your truth and you won't need closure from anyone.
Speaker 1:
The Reddit user Calm says I don't know if you'd call this closure, but I did go see him after the breakup. When he wasn't ready to see me. I said what I needed. He just sat there and listened. He didn't say anything. To be fair, it didn't help to get closure. It hurt worse. I went home crying until 1am when I had to work the next day.
Speaker 1:
I would say that sounds very familiar. That's typically what closure has looked like for me. When it comes to breakups, small dog says something that I think a big dog would say you don't get closure straight away. Closure comes when you've processed the loss and healed from the grief and you're able to step back from it all with clarity and objectivity. It takes time. On that note, is there any relationship you're thinking about right now where you didn't get closure that you felt you needed to? Yeah, it's all about looking inward. I think the happier that you are with yourself, the less you put up with.
Speaker 1:
I think I've always had confidence. Uh, the only area that I think I suffered from as far as confidence and self-love came in the form of my body. I always just had body image problems, and you know it's like, oh, she's got such a pretty face, but you know her body, and I agreed with them. I agreed with the people that would say these things about me. And if they didn't say it to my face, I was thinking it when I would meet people. I was thinking it when I would go out. I did have ebbs and flows as far as my weight goes, and when I weighed less, my confidence was higher. And I look back on the pictures, even when I weighed more, and like weren't that bad kid, you weren't that bad, you shouldn't have been that hard on yourself. I guess we all look back at that, though. We're like God. Why would you look at yourself and think you weren't beautiful? I hope you guys didn't do that, but I'm sure you did, cause we're women and we do that to ourselves. The more self-love you have, the less you put up with. If anybody's wondering if they should get closure or seek out something, I would.
Speaker 1:
I would tell you this before I get into this article. If I'm struggling okay and my emotions are about to bubble over the top and I can't tell the person or anybody what I'm going through, I find a piece of paper and I write. Doesn't necessarily make me feel better about the situation, but it gets it out. It gets it out so that I don't have to pick up the phone and make a phone call, so that I don't have to text that person. It gets it out. And if I feel the same way later, I'll pick up a pen and I'll write about it and I will continue to do that until I have gotten everything off of me and put it into the universe. It's not mine anymore, I don't want it. And put it into the universe. It's not mine anymore, I don't want it, I don't want it and the person doesn't deserve to hear it from me. Then you burn it, man. Burn it in a safe place, like I'm not telling you to go burn it in your living room. Throw it in your fireplace. Put it really is and how to get it.
Speaker 1:
So many of my clients come to therapy looking for some type of closure. It's a common human condition to look for endings or bad events to be explained and wrapped up so you can move on. But can you ever do that and, if you could, would it actually help in the way you're hoping? Here are some of the more common things that she hears her patients say to her. Okay, see, if any of these things that people say are similar to things that you've said, if they would just tell me why they're not talking to me anymore. I need to know the real reason this relationship ended. Why did she ghost me after three amazing dates? Now that we're broken up, I need to tell him all the things I was holding back or I'll never be happy. Okay, that one that one's me. I'm a communicator. If they would just tell me they're sorry.
Speaker 1:
You think that closure is the only way you'll ever be able to move on and be happy. You're right that some type of closure is needed. But you're wrong to think closure includes anything from anyone else. For example, if your partner breaks up with you and you ask why? Because you want closure. When they tell you why, you'll likely argue and maybe even believe the reasons they're giving you, or you might feel horrible about yourself and beat yourself up. Not only that, other research shows that having a high need for closure can greatly affect your ability to make the choices you need to make that would help you move forward and heal. So all of this to focus on closure is clouding your rational thinking and creating more roadblocks to actually moving on and feeling healed about the situation or the person.
Speaker 1:
Needing closure is driven by fear. Okay, this I did not know. Your need for closure is driven by your fear based brain. You're in pain and want it to stop. You're angry, hurt, resentful, sad or frustrated and you think this outside thing will make those feelings go away. You're looking for some satisfactory explanation. You're searching for answers and for the other person to take ownership and be accountable. You want an apology or appreciation. All of this is driven by fear. Other people can't make you happy or give you peace. That's an inside job. Sure, maybe you can feel better for a moment, but then all of the doubt creeps back in and it's a temporary fix. You know this to be true because you've been in situations where someone said they were sorry, but then you kept bringing up the issue because it was still bothering you. You need to hear it over and over again because you're still hurting. Maybe in your mind they haven't suffered as much as you, so not enough, or they seem to have moved on too quickly after the apology. This is your fear-based brain in control.
Speaker 1:
Wanting closure is often about other fear-based emotions too. Maybe you want revenge, retribution, or you're just angry at them and want to keep making them pay by saying they're sorry. You're feeling rejected, abandoned or dismissed and want them to make you feel better. You're not getting peace when this is your motivation, which is why closure doesn't generally work. You can't have a love solution when fear is the driver. All of this is not to say that closure isn't important. It is. You just need to understand that it's about your own internal work, not depending on someone else.
Speaker 1:
Closure is important because where you end this relationship, you'll begin the next. You want to end it well in your own head. You want to take personal responsibility where it's needed, so that you can feel empowered. So you want to make a commitment to yourself. Essentially, my healing is my responsibility and I will absolutely make that happen. I will be better, not bitter. Focus on broadening your resources. Get into therapy, which is great if that's something you feel that you need. Some people do go to therapy to heal from a relationship. I know a few who have done that.
Speaker 1:
Deepen your friendships. There is nothing like friends. They are food for the soul. If you have the right friends and the right support group, there's nothing you can't get through and accomplish in the world. Get deep on practicing mindfulness so that you can notice when you start thinking about this other person or situation and bring yourself back to the present, where you have power to make your life what you want.
Speaker 1:
So don't sit there and listen to your song over and over again. Don't put on sappy ass love movies and think that you're going to feel better. It's the stereotypical. Getting over a breakup scene in every rom-com. What do you see? Ice cream, a movie sweatpants. Do it if you need it, just don't do it every day. Get up and move around.
Speaker 1:
Watch the new America's Sweethearts documentary with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders and try to do the dance. Okay, do something. And I didn't bring that up because I did, but I did watch it. Okay, I did watch it because I am a diehard Dallas Cowboy fan and, hell, I may go and try to do Thunderstruck that are their dance routine. I may, I may do that. Will I tape it? Absolutely not, absolutely not. This is only for me and my kids. Okay, this is a special, special theater production of Thunderstruck by Christie. No, I'm just kidding, I'm not going to do it. Maybe we'll see.
Speaker 1:
Anyway, the last one take up a hobby, finally learning another language or a new sport. We hear that every time. Yes, go freaking, do something. I me telling you this is how I feel about it Me telling you to go take up a hobby. If I was to sit down and I needed, and I am just devastated of a breakup, I'm not going to watch somebody to tell me to go pick up a new hobby. I'm just not. I mean, I'm being real. I'm talking about how I, what I would want to hear, I would want to hear by the ice cream, christy, buy, buy the ice cream, buy it, it's okay, it's okay. It's okay, go home and fucking play Alanis Morissette, and if you're too young for what that means it is, it is my generation's way of saying fuck off, it is everything. Okay, do whatever is going to make you, get it out, in whatever form that is. Get it out of you, put it out in the universe, off of you, gone, gone.
Speaker 1:
Work on forgiveness. Now, this is a good one, because forgiving somebody is really, really difficult. It's really difficult. Not everybody can do it. It is a gift. It is an absolute gift. I don't know that I'm the best at it.
Speaker 1:
Now that I'm 50, now that I'm the age I'm at, I've picked up so much wisdom along the way. I just don't feel like we need to hold on to that type of stuff. You know, I'm pretty good at shaking it off. Like Taylor Swift would say shake it off, shake it off. I'm really good at it. Um, it takes me. I'm going to say my average shake it off timeframe could be about three days. It's about three days. Um, I'm not talking about relations. I'm going to say my average shake it off timeframe could be about three days. It's about three days. I'm not talking about relationships, I'm talking about everything. Like I get into fight with somebody, I have a bad day at work. Um, I really we're talking like severe days. Uh, we're not talking like I had a crappy day. It doesn't take me three days to get over that, but hardcore problems within my job or my life. It could take three days. That's usually my time, but then on the fourth day I'm good. I'm good.
Speaker 1:
I don't let it go past a week, because then you realize you're in like not healthy territory. Um, so you try to train your brain not to really harp on it. You know forgiveness is important and whenever I see people give it so freely, uh, when I see that they've been completely broken by the situation, whatever the situation may be, I'm in awe of them. So when we're talking about closure, I think you can do that too right, maybe possibly for yourself, not for them. You're not really forgiving them, you're letting go of it. That's really what that's really. What breaks down to is like you feel bad, but it's, it's, it's for you. You're working through it for you. Let it go. Let it go. It's poison. It will eat your body up. It's poison.
Speaker 1:
This was mainly about closure. It's also about me starting to date again and a little bit about me not not visiting the Mr Florida relationship situation again and hope for all the goodness that life can offer him, and all the goodness life will offer me and you, because you and I, we're going to be good, we're going to be great, we're going to get this shit together. Okay, we're going to forgive people, we are not going to give a fuck about them and we're going to keep moving forward. If you want to do the DCC Thunderstruck dance routine in your living room, I would love to see it. So please send me an email. It's right there below Christy at ChristyChanelcom. Send me an email, send me a text.
Speaker 1:
I tell you guys, send me a text, not freaking. One of you has sent me a freaking text, but I put one TikTok out yesterday and I have like 400 comments. Okay, they don't even listen to me. They're not you. They're not you. They take the time to comment. Why can't you send me a text or I'm going to get a complex. All right, I will talk to you soon. Have the best week ever. All right. Love you, miss you Bye. L U M U B podcast. Love you, miss you, bye. Has been brought to you by Christy Chanel LLC, but if you're looking for more information or want to follow us on social media. Go check out christyschanelcom. All the podcasts are streamed there and the YouTube episodes are there, so why not? You can also listen where all podcasts are streamed. This includes Apple Podcasts and Spotify. And lastly, thank you to you. You, yeah, you, the one that's listening or watching. I appreciate you so much. Love you, misha. Bye.