Unmasking the Struggles and Triumphs of Coming Out

We're sharing the raw, unfiltered journey of coming out with our host, Cris Stevens-Todd. Cris bravely peels back the layers of his personal struggles, from accepting his sexuality as a teenager, facing bullying, to the whirlwind of internal conflicts. His enlightening tale shines a beacon on the unique hurdles LGBTQ+ folks vault over when coming out. Moreover, it's a testament to the power of acceptance, understanding, and robust support networks.

Our episode also trails through broader struggles individuals wrestle with as they grapple to understand and embrace their identities. Cris weaves a compelling narrative about their health struggles, a lightning bolt of self-discovery, and an enlightening journey that helps them understand their sexuality. We also unmask Cris struggles with coming out, highlighting a traumatic event that catapulted him to live his truth. It's an eye-opener - the emotional roller coaster ride that coming out is, the symbolism of self-acceptance, and the vital role that a supportive environment plays in this delicate process. Embark on this journey with us, discover real stories, and let's talk about acceptance, love, and identity.

Switchboard Victoria https://www.switchboard.org.au/

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

you're listening to and explore your ability in production. I'd like to begin by knowledging the traditional owners and the custodians of the land on which this podcast is recorded on today, the eight clangs of the Yorda Yorda Nation. I also pay my respects to the Elders, past and present. Hi, my name is Chris Stevens Todd and you're listening to Out Loud exploring LG BTI, qa Plus Topics and Stories. This week's episode of Out Loud, we're going to explore the topic coming out.

Speaker 1: 0:52

It's important to remember that coming out can be a deeply personal and unique experience For each individual and it's not a single event. It's a lifelong process which may begin at any age. While everyone's journey is different, and most differently between generations, coming out 40 years ago to 20 years ago, compared to today, has also changed. But there are some common challenges that people may face and we're going to explore what some of them challenges may be. But firstly, if you or someone you know is struggling with coming out, seeking guidance from LG BTI, qa Plus, support Organisations or cancelling services can be helpful. But some of the common challenges that people may face are acceptance, which is the fear of rejection or negative reactions from family, friends or society can help. May coming out difficult. Self acceptance some individuals may struggle with accepting their own sexuality due to internalised homophobia or social stigma. Discrimination LG BTI QA Plus individuals may face discrimination, prejudice or unequal treatment in various aspects of life, such as employment, housing or healthcare. Mental health coming out can be about emotional challenges, including anxiety, depression and feelings of isolation. Support systems building a support network of understanding and accepting friends, family or LG BTI QA Plus communities can be crucial for emotional wellbeing. Cultural and religious factors cultural or religious beliefs can influence the acceptance and support LG BTI QA Plus individuals receive from within their communities. Bullying and harassment individuals may experience bullying and harassment, or even violence, due to their sexual orientation. And the last one internal struggle some people may struggle with their sexual orientation due to their personal values, beliefs or religious upbringing. All the things mentioned above are common challenges that most people experience in their coming out journey.

Speaker 1: 2:58

I'm going to talk to you about my journey and my experiences that I went through in coming out and I came out to my family when I was 19 years old, so I'd finished high school. I kind of was in a phase of a lot was happening and a lot of negative things was happening, because my health was in a really bad place due to the internal struggles that I was going through with my sexuality. But I first started identifying and thinking that I was attracted to people at the same sex when I was about 13. So that was a six year journey where I kind of led myself down a rabbit hole of trying to mask and hide who I was and put in protection barriers around myself to to not be found out, and also dealing at the same time with bullying and harassment that I was experiencing at school. As much as I was trying to hide and protect myself and blend in and have people not pick up that I was gay, there were still people that I think saw straight through it and, and you know, bullied me. And then there was people who bullied me Because of their own internalized homophobia, who laid it.

Speaker 1: 4:16

Now that we're finished school They've come out as gay and it makes sense now to me looking back why that was so horrible to me, because they could probably tell that I was gay and they knew they were gay. So they inflicted their Internal struggles onto me to try and make themselves feel better, I guess. And then to a degree I did the same thing and then I did that to other people because I thought, well, if I do that to them, then that might steer people away from me. You know, I look back at that as well, and that person that I did that to, they were gay. So I'm not sure if somehow we were able to have a really good gay dad back then, why were in high school and know who each Other were, but not knowing really they were gay. But you know, we pick them as targets and it just happens to be that we're all gay now after after school and I look, I look back at that and it's 100% not proud of the way I acted and and how I did that to try and protect myself because you know, I know how that Damaged me from what other people do and the fact that then I've done that to somebody else but the things that at the time it was all around survival for me and working out how I could get through the day and how I could minimize the Bullying that I was receiving, because I didn't want anyone to know I was gay. I was struggling with it and and I thought if I told someone that this is how I'm feeling, that this would then be my life, forever, that I'm gonna experience this every single day and potentially, you know, be bashed as as well. Because that's the other thing that I saw in media and things growing up Was that gay people end up being bashed and killed and that I feed. You know, one day I would be bashed and killed.

Speaker 1: 6:12

The other aspect that I struggled with was, growing up, you know, hearing that gay people are predators and pedophiles, which is great. We miss information and not true. But when you're a child and that's what you're hearing and you're seeing, then Through media it's like well, that's not me, I don't want to be a predator, like you know, or I don't want people thinking I'm a predator, like it's so much that you go through that really impacts you as a Young person and then you're trying to deal with that all by yourself because there's no one that you can talk to, because a, it's that fear of acceptance that I spoke about earlier, where your fear that your friends are gonna reject you and no longer want you around, and then a, then they tell everyone what you've told them, because that was my great concern was, if I tell my friends that I was gay, Would they kick me out of the group, because they would then be like If people know you're gay and you're gonna get picked on on board for that, then we don't want people thinking we're gay too. So it's just easier if you know we're not friends anymore and you worry about your family and how they're gonna react and will they disown me, kick me out and will I be an embarrassment to the family. The other aspect, if you know, what you go through is a loss, a sense of loss of what I'll call a heterosexual life, because then getting married was illegal and the thought, you know, of having children too was something that I really wanted and and I didn't Then, as a teenager, think that would be possible to have children in a gay relationship. So they were all things that I struggled with. It's like, well, I, I want to get married, I want to have a family, but if I'm gay, then then things aren't possible. So how do I process a lot of and and and in the end you don't. Anyway, it eats you up and would ate me up, and I became unwell, and I think Becoming as unwell as I did Contributed to the fact that I was holding so much inside that was just doing damage to me to my nervous system and you know to be in that level of anxiety all the time that someone might find out and that you might drop the guard a little bit and slip. You know that can't be good for anybody. So I became unwell and At first people the doctors thought it was glandular fever and then that continued on and for a longer period of time and it Was a lot longer than it should have been, and they were like, okay, we, you know, we need to run some more tests because you should be starting to get better by now.

Speaker 1: 9:17

And the doctors really struggled to find what it was that was making me sick and and I think you know there wasn't really a cause like that they could pick, because I it was just my nervous system, I think was so badly damaged through it all that, how can you pick that up in in tests? You can't pick that from blood tests. So and then went through life from 15 to 19, I had a girlfriend and and every aspect and part of that relationship was real and and nothing was fake. So then I was like we're perhaps unbisexual Because I did find women attractive and but I was a man attractive. So you know you go through all them different struggles and and what that will be. And you know she was the first person that I told I was gay and we broke up and she didn't tell anybody. And that was kind of a weird period because then I Told someone but then I kind of didn't feel I could go at the time and talk to them about it. But they were the only person that knew.

Speaker 1: 10:30

But I was also the cause as to why our relationship Ended. So, you know, giving and working out that kind of space that they might need. But in doing that, you know, once again everyone was like, oh my god, why did you break up? We were together, you know, for years and I'm pretty sure my, my family, my mom, expected us and thought we would get married and have kids and she was devastated that we had broken up. And it was just, you know, telling people, oh, we just broke up because we grew up hard or you know, there was just things. But you know, later on people were like, okay, well, now we understand why you broke up, but it was a really hard process to go through and and I'm thankful that you know she Respected that I needed that time too to go through on my own and process things a little bit more.

Speaker 1: 11:28

And then it wasn't till I caught up with friends in Melbourne and they had a gay housemate and we went out to the peel. I'd never been to a gay club. I'd never really, even we, met another gay person in my life. At this point I was very anxious but also very excited to be going to the peel, which, for people listening, that is a gay club in Melbourne and you know, going there. But the two friends that I was going with, that I went to school with, also didn't know I was gay at this point because I was Just visiting them. They had a gay housemate and he didn't want to go to a straight pub. So we're like, oh yeah, that's fine, we can go to the peel. And I was like, yeah, that's no worries, and we get to the peel and I you know, you know so to my friend there, I'm just gonna go for a dance and I'm dancing and then I think In between you know, five minutes of getting there, I'm kissing someone. I don't even really, I think, know what they look like because of the lights and it was dark, and and then I turn around and my friends are there and they're like, what and? And then I was like surprise. And you know, I ended up going home with someone that night. And it was just. I remember Going to my friends and like, all right, I'm gonna go home with this person. They're like, are you sure? I'm like, yeah, that's all good. And this person was, you know, a little bit older than I was. I Was 19 and pretty sure they were around 39 At that time and I don't know. I just felt this sense of trust and that I'll be fine. And I said to my friends you know, I'm all good.

Speaker 1: 13:14

It was really interesting, like we got in a taxi and Went back to his place, but there was a real sense of that. I was okay that I felt so comfortable. I didn't need to worry about what I was saying or what I was trying to protect and cover up and mask. It was just me and him. And then, like you know, I didn't even really know what to do or what to say in a way, because it was such a it's a real moment, but also a very out-of-body experience that hadn't been in before. But what I did know was that I really enjoyed it and I wanted more of that, and Then, when I went home, that was the hard element of Having to put that mask sort of back on After I experienced what it was sort of like for a mini version to be me in Melbourne, and that made life more difficult, I would have to say.

Speaker 1: 14:19

I think having a sexual experience with another man where I'm like, yeah, this is definitely me, I'm definitely gay, and Now I've got to go back to pretending that I'm not a Drank a lot and that was the other part like that helped, but it also made the potential of slipping up and Not being able to wear that mask a lot harder. It helped me escape the life that I was living. At the same time, because it was hard, I didn't want to live the life that I was living. I didn't want to be closeted, but I was also still very fearful of Coming out and and saying that I was gay, because I didn't know how Everyone else was gonna react. My two friends, though, once again, were very supportive. So now that's three people that know I'm gay. At least, I felt I could speak to the other two a little bit more, but at the same time, you know, we weren't great, great friends and I think that's an element that helped and I don't know if they told anybody because no one else sort of said anything to me at that period of time. But At the same time I then was building back my relationship with my now ex-girlfriend, who, I have to say, to this day is still my best friend, you know, all these years later. So you know huge, huge support system in in with that person and I'm forever grateful for the Love and support that they've given me over the years. So I was able to talk to her a little bit more and and we went out and you know, to clubs and and things like that and that got a little easier.

Speaker 1: 16:06

But eventually it got to the point where my mental health really declined and I started, you know, going back to Melbourne and Going out. But it was kind of dangerous because no one else really knew I was out and where I was, because I couldn't tell anyone. And Then I was drinking lots and and then I found myself in a situation in a club in Melbourne where I was kind of like in a pack of these guys. I think they could just tell that I was very naive, young. No one really. I wasn't really there with anybody and I I still remember it very well, even though I was quite Intoxicated at the time, because there was an element in me that kind of thought I'm in a lot of trouble.

Speaker 1: 16:59

And I find when you get into them, situations just kind of sober up a lot, but also because of other Traumatic events that I had been through previously, it kind of brought that back up and then I was in like thinking what am I gonna do? Like you know, these guys were like I'll come back with us. You know, I'm like no, I've got to catch my train tomorrow, I'll miss it. And they're like, oh, no, we'll drive you home. And there was just all these things. I'm just thinking that's not gonna happen. And they were getting more and more pushy and very trying to get me out with them. And now we're probably a group of five people and and they were all like yeah, yeah, let's go.

Speaker 1: 17:41

And I just felt really uncomfortable and just this Part came over me that I thought if I leave with these people, I don't think something good's gonna happen and I'm probably in no way, shape or form gonna be able to stop it. And I think someone there saw the trouble that I was roughly in because someone Came up and pretended to know me and like, oh my god, there you are, I've been looking for you everywhere. And pulled me out and then just said a UAK, and Then went off and back to what they were doing and I kind of I then left and and I kind of then thought to myself, oh my god, you know, no one knows I'm here. So if something did happen to me, how am I gonna be able to explain that? I've already gone through one situation in the past that something happened that I lived with on my own and dealt with, and I thought I can't go through that again. So then I went home and I think that was the last time I went to a gay club for quite a while, because it really shook me.

Speaker 1: 18:46

But it got to the point in my own personal life where I Was just a complete Wreck. You know, I was trying to work up. I'm just trying to function and cope in every aspect but I just found I wasn't, and the only way I can describe it is I was like a bottle of soft drink that you shook violently and Then you undid the lid. But then you realized that as you undid it. The pressure was too good and it was spraying everywhere and you couldn't stop it. You just had to let it spray and I feel that's what happened to me.

Speaker 1: 19:23

One night I was out and I Just I broke down. I completely broke down and I revealed to the last person I ever thought I would that I was gay. The next day I wasn't really sure if I'd done it and I was like, no, I think I did. That was the start of the change, because they then told the next person, who then came to me and was like it's okay, everything's gonna be okay. Then I just start telling people that I was gay and each reaction that I had was a positive reaction and I thought I can't believe I've held this in for so long that I allowed myself to get to this point where my health was so bad and I was engaging in such risk taking behaviors, when I had such a positive reaction from my family and my friends, that I all the worries and things I internalized was just things that people worry because we don't talk enough about saying you know it's okay if you get. You know if any of my friends again, you're okay if any my children a gay. You know that doesn't matter, I love, I'm gonna love them, no matter what. So you don't hear them things, so you're not really sure how it's gonna work.

Speaker 1: 20:52

And the more and more people I told them I then had to work out who I was, because I kind of felt I put so many protective mechanisms in place and and you know what is my ask that it was like alright, which layers of this person Do I need to feel back that with things that I did to protect myself first, things that are actually me, there was cause elements of things that I did with my friends that were 100% me and but there was parts that then weren't and I needed to then peel them off to allow the new parts to grow through and Sometimes, a little like I think you know, my friends needed to take time to get used to I'm special some of my male friends when I was talking about my relationships and people I was looking at with because it was very different to them. But I can say I don't think I really lost any friendships over Me being gay. Like I look back and I lost two people who were part of a family. I don't know if that was really because me being gay, or it was just because we were apart, or other factors, but to my face anyway, I didn't have any negative push back or Discrimination and but In all that there was still many elements that I struggled with.

Speaker 1: 22:34

You know, I went and got my hair cut and she knew I had girlfriend at one point and all that, and I'd sort of started seeing someone and I went to tell her but there was just this thing in me that stopped in a level of like a fear, and I just made up a female name and then I was like why did I do that? And you know I then that went on for a while and I then had to like stop and tell her that that person didn't exist in that that person's well, the person does exist, but they're not female, they're male. And she was like, oh my god, why did she not just tell me? And? And I was just like what was just that fear response again, you know, and I don't even know why I had that, because she never gave me any indication that she was against gay people or anything like that.

Speaker 1: 23:28

But it's just that trauma that sinks in and you know you're having to come out all the time and I think there's situations, even still today, that you know I mean, I'm 35 years old now and I've, you know, I came out when I was 19 and I'm a very proud person, I married and have a child, and but there's even still sometimes that I stop and I analyze whether or not I say what I'm gonna say and that and my level of my safety still comes into it to this day still. And but now I mostly say, yeah, my husband. You know I was talking to a mechanic today and I said I am a husband, drove the car and I have no problem with that these days and but and I don't feel I'm outing myself each time I do that, but I'm just talking about my life these days, but it's also at the same time telling them that I'm gay For their food, to help them. I feel in there what their responses maybe and how they then form the next question that they don't use language like she or her wife or something like that, when you know. So part of me does it in a way to not out myself these days, but more in a way to Make the conversation a lot easier. So there isn't any mistakes, you know from talking about my daughter and you know then the next party is all you know, where's your wife. It's like, well, you know, I might say something about my child and then bring up my husband can't be here today and then straight away they know there's no wife. So that helps Sometimes the conversations these days to stop, and you know, okay, they're obviously uncomfortable, but you know I don't have any issues with that because I'm like, well, that's their issue, that's their issue, not my issue. I go on and talk to someone else because you know I'm living my life and I'm happy. So it's.

Speaker 1: 25:37

It's really interesting now the different forms and levels of coming out, but ultimately I went through a lot of trauma and a lot of pain and made some terrible decisions, all because I feared what my life would be if I added the words. I was gay. In the end I didn't have anything to fear because life Was so much better once. I did, out of them, words and I did have the support and I'm very lucky for that, because I do know that so many people unfortunately don't get that support. But it is getting better and more people these days are coming out at a younger age and have that support and I'm just so glad, too, that we live now in an era that Everyone has a smartphone, everyone has access to being online now, and there's so many support groups, organizations like open valley pride here in shepherden, who is local support group and social group, you know, for people living in regional Victoria to to connect. And now there's the Chuka Moama pride group as well you know it's a bendigo pride and Lion Wangarata, like all these groups in regional Victoria for people to connect into, to not be isolated or be alone.

Speaker 1: 27:06

I think, when I see new people come to these events, that it's important to go up and speak to them so they know that they're not alone and that they've got support, because they may have just come out and they may be trying to connect and Find who their people are within their community. And that now me, I feel I'm kind of an elder. I found a field out, I've been around long enough now to then Go and know what that's like. And here, take my hand, I'm gonna help you through this. But at the end of the day, we never stop coming out and we have to come out all the time. We're always, I think well for me Still analyzing whether it's safe to say yes, I'm gay in that area, whether it's me working with someone new in my work and needing to say something about my personal life and then thinking how they're gonna react. Or, you know you're out and about meeting other people. But yeah, you know, I still find I'm Analyzing the situation in my head, whether or not my safety is gonna be compromised, still to this day, in 2023.

Speaker 1: 28:16

But all I have to say is we are lucky that the world is getting a better place and More people are able to come out at a much younger age and enjoy their childhood, their youth years, and Get to experience their youth years as as their authentic self and not having to hide who that person is right through their teen years which is such informative years and get to date and experience what it's like. You know, I watched TV shows like hyper high, the revamped version and Heartstopper, and I get a sense of loss when I watch that, because I Then get to see what I didn't get to experience Because I was closeted and I had to experience that much later in life as an adult, which isn't the same. So, but we're gonna talk about more about representation in media on another episode, but we'll touch on that. That's all for this week's episode. Please tune in to the next episode. See you then.