In this podcast episode, we discuss the importance of creating psychological safety for missionary kids. I share my insights on fostering open communication, avoiding coddling, and not pressuring children into missions. Drawing from my personal experiences, I highlight the need for a safe space where kids can express themselves without fear of judgment. We talk about contrasting coddling with teaching independence and caution against over-functioning for children. Advocate for respecting their choices and fostering their growth, ending with an offer of coaching support for parents seeking to deepen their understanding of these concepts.
Share your missionary stories where you agree to allow me to share them: michellesevans.coach@gmail.com
In this podcast episode, we discuss the importance of creating psychological safety for missionary kids. I share my insights on fostering open communication, avoiding coddling, and not pressuring children into missions. Drawing from my personal experiences, I highlight the need for a safe space where kids can express themselves without fear of judgment. We talk about contrasting coddling with teaching independence and caution against over-functioning for children. Advocate for respecting their choices and fostering their growth, ending with an offer of coaching support for parents seeking to deepen their understanding of these concepts.
Share your missionary stories where you agree to allow me to share them: michellesevans.coach@gmail.com
Hello and welcome to the podcast. So. A number of months ago, I was taking a class and it was a marriage kind of communication class because like, right. Who can. Not improve on their communication in their marriage. There was a concept that was brought up that I. Have turned over in my mind for the last few months. And it really, really resonated for me. Not only am in my marriage, but also in the way that I talk to my kids. And the way that I communicate. And so I wanted to introduce this topic to you because I think it would be very beneficial. When we send our missionaries out or even prior to sending them out. When we are talking with them. The question is, do we create psychological safety for our kids? So they know that no matter what the, we are a safe place for them. They can air their struggles, their emotions, their joys, their accomplishments, all of the things. And. As I was thinking about this and just considering it. I wanted to make sure that I addressed the topic also of coddling. Because sometimes as moms, we can go too far. And we can start to cuddle or helicopter parent. Which is different than creating psychological safety. And so I'm just going to give you. What the difference is. And we're going to go into just a couple of things that may help you be able to create. This very effective communication style. With your kids. So first of all, I Googled psychological safety and this is what it says. Siva psychological safety is the feeling of being safe to take risks. Speak up and share concerns without fear of punishment. It's a shared expectation that teammates. We'll not embarrass, reject, or punish them for sharing ideas, taking risks or soliciting feedback. So. I just replaced that it's a shared expectation that teammates and just, it's a shared expectation between a mom and her missionary. That we will not embarrass, reject, or punish them for sharing their ideas. Taking risks or soliciting feedback. So I want to give you an example. So a number of years ago, I've talked about, you know, my older kids serving missions. So my oldest son that served a mission. Went out back in 2016. And I had seen mothers had sent missionaries out and then their missionaries came home. Either from the MTC or just. Just shortly. You know, within six months or a year, whatever. And one of the common themes was that they had some things that they needed to take care of with their Bishop. And so I thought. That it was really effective for me to tell my son. Make sure you take care of everything. With the Bishop. Because no matter what you don't want to be sent home. That did not in any way, create psychological safety for him. Because then later in his mission, when he did contact me and mentioned on there's some things that I've got to tell my mission president, and I don't know what's going to happen. I was backpedaling really quick. Like it's totally fine. I love you. No matter what. And I was trying to then create psychological safety. What I did different this time with my ma my car missionary that's out. Is I mentioned to him that. No matter what's happening on the mission, he's safe to always mention it to me and his dad. And if he has done something wrong or if he, you know, came into a situation that was dangerous. Or even just like the accomplishments and things, like no matter what he can tell us and he's safe. And we will not judge him. For however it is that he showed up. That we would be a very safe place for him to be able to communicate that. And. Being able to also communicate it without me trying to jump in and solve it. Or to judge him that, you know, he wasn't. Being obedient enough, or if he wasn't being righteous and ever. You know, whatever. And so I talked in an earlier episode I think it was about. How to deal with difficult companions, which was the second episode. About how to ask good questions. And so really being able to ask good clean questions. Without an agenda we're we're not trying to push something on them. It helps them be able to organize what's going on in their mind or whatever problem that they're turning over. And it creates the safety that they need so that they can learn how to problem solve. And be able to feel safe while they do it. So let's, let's go into coddling for a minute. I Googled the definition of cuddling and to cuddle. Someone means to treat them to kindly or protect them too much. So, this is where as a mom, we really want to jump in. We want to solve things. We want to solve the problems. We don't want our missionaries or our, you know, soon to be missionaries. The opportunity to grow themselves. And. Sometimes we think that coddling them makes us a good mom. And we really want our kids to need us. Because that feels good as a mom to be needed. But if we step back and we evaluate, like, what are our intentions here? And we can see. That in our effort to be a good mom. We inadvertently Caudill. And what that does it stunts their growth. And it doesn't. It also doesn't give them. The feeling of being accomplished themselves. So I want to share a story and this is kind of funny. And maybe you guys can relate. My boys all wrestled. And in 2020. During COVID and the shutdown, whatever. We actually sent them to a wrestling camp. And, but, you know, we were all like hypervigilant about germs and washing your hands and doing all this stuff. And if you know, wrestling is a full contact sport. And one of the things with wrestling is you have to wash your clothes. And you can't practice in the same clothes a couple of times because you know, there's possible skin diseases and. You know, just different things. Plus we had COVID and so we just really wanted to be careful. We sent, you know, just some tide pods with our boys, so they could wash their laundry every night. And make sure that they had clean clothes. And so there's all these other kids that are attending. And one of the things that was really interesting when my boys came home. Is, they said. Well, and there was all these kids there. And they didn't know how to do the laundry. We had to show them how to use the washing machine. And I was like, really. And they said, yeah, like they didn't know how to start it. And then they also didn't know how to start the dryer. And so if you consider that. We want to do their laundry. We want to help them. We want to take care of them. But then in a situation like this, These, these kids were inhibited by that. And so, you know, then they had to ask help and, you know, my boys were like, yeah. So we ended up helping a ton of kids, showing them how to use the washing machine. And I use the dryer. And. How hard was that for those kids to be able to ask for that help. Where. That's something that, you know, as moms that we can also teach our kids. And so they're able to do that for themselves. And so it was just an interesting story. So, you know, is that coddling? I don't know, but maybe, maybe a little bit. And so it's just something to consider and to think about in what ways are we over-functioning for our kids and in what ways can we step back? So for my first kid. I made all of this up appointments. I set up. You know, his dental, I set up his medical appointments, universe, physical and all the things. Trying to help him get out on a mission and you know, that's not bad. But as I've grown and expanded, I can see how that benefits my boys to be able to do that. So my current missionary. I didn't not get in his mission portal one time. He made all of his own appointments. And there was a couple of times he got kind of frustrated with me and he was like, mom, this would be really helpful if you were like a normal mom. And you actually helped me with these kinds of things. And I said, I know him, but like I'm growing you into a man. That can be able to function without me, which ultimately when you're on a mission, that's what you're doing. And so we, we kind of laughed about it. And I also felt like it was a benefit to him. Because then he was able to function in a very independent way. And when he left on his mission, he knew He chose this. He wanted to do this as it was very helpful for him. And so. That helps him in the long run, know how to do some of these basic things. And so it's being able to strike a balance. Between overfunctioning and. Creating independence and psychological safety. That they can also come and express like whatever's happening. There's another area that I see this come up for moms. Our wen missions or they're not, or, or maybe our kid doesn't want to go on a mission. But we think that we know what's best for them. So we start to apply pressure to go on a mission or to do a certain thing or perform a certain way. And consider. How that is communicated. And we have like what we're actually saying. And then we have like this covert message that we're also saying that impacts our young men and young women. And there's psychological safety. Because then either they won't be honest with us. And they'll cave to the pressure, which can cause problems down the road when they're actually on armor. Mission serving. And. Maybe they didn't take care of some things that they needed to. It also can cause some resentment towards you. As a mother, because they feel like they got pressured. And they want to try and please you, you know, people pleasing is a big thing. Our kids try really hard sometimes to manage our emotions. And so if they're trying to manage our disappointment, And we're applying pressure. Then they can see that by not going that creates disappointment. So then they'll go and it doesn't necessarily create the best environment for them to perform. And function as a missionary independently. Another thing that they could do is they could put their foot down. And then you won't understand why they are feeling like they're feeling. Because they've determined in their mind. And their nervous system that you are not somebody that they can confide in. And ultimately we got to choose what we wanted for our life. And we have to allow our children to also choose. What they want for their lives. And in doing so we create the safety that they need so that they can still talk to us and allow, allow them space to. You know, really be full functioning adults. And I saw this really good, real that there was this guy and he said, You know, I explained to my kids, these are the things that I do, and this is the way I live. I choose to live. And this is why. And, and yet it's your life? So you get to make decisions also. And on how you want to live, but this is why I chose the life. I did. And so I think that's like a huge opportunity for us to be able to explain it in a really clean way and also allow them the psychological safety and space to be able to make the decision. For their, for their life. And then ultimately. We want to be able to just be very respectful of everybody's individual journey. That allows them room to grow. And their independence. And it also allows you to grow in your communication. And so this requires a lot of faith, a lot of faith in our kids. A lot of faith in God and like what. Our kids are going to do with their life and that they know what's best for their life. And what they're going to go through. And what's funny is that sometimes we're like, that's a really terrible choice. Like I would never make that choice. And so we kind of like cast this. There's judgment on, on, on them. But we don't know what path they are going to take. And, and we don't know where it's going to lead. My husband came home, you know, we had four kids, I think at the time. And my oldest were. Five and four. And he came home. And just very offhandedly. It was made a remark. Hey, what do you think about setting our kids up for wrestling and at the time, no idea. Where that was going to lead us. I had no idea. I was gonna end up with six boys. I had no idea. That that sport was going to become really prevalent in there, all of their lives. And in mind, Just buy one small, like comment. What do you think about signing our kids up for wrestling? And so it's the same with our kids. Like we don't know what path is going to lead them where, and we have to have the faith. That not only that God has them and he knows their path, but then they've got their own life too. And so being able to create that safe environment for them. So they always have that safe place to land and they know that they can always talk to us. All right, you guys. That's what I have for you today. Thank you so much for listening. And if you find this podcast helpful, if you can share it with another mom who may be struggling and. That has missionaries out or soon to be. That really helps us spread the word to support other missionary moms. And if you want to take this work to a deeper level, you can book a free call with me today. And see if coaching with me is the right fit for you. And the link will be in the show notes. All right, everybody have a great week and we will see you next time. Bye-bye.
