10: How Can Trauma from Missionary Experiences Impact Mothers?
Mar 04, 2024
Michelle Evans
In this episode of the podcast, I open up about the deeply traumatic experiences I went through during my sons' missionary services. I talk about how grateful I am for my better communication with my younger son, which was quite different from what I experienced when my older son was on his mission. I delve into what trauma means, pointing out that it's not so much about the events themselves but rather how our brains react to them.
I share the story of my son's mission and my distress due to his companion's very concerning behavior. And the response I got from the mission president didn't help the situation.
This is all about normalizing that sometimes we need outside help to help us process what has happened. Trauma isn't something we need to ignore; we can get the help we need.
Share your missionary stories where you agree to allow me to share them: michellesevans.coach@gmail.com
In this episode of the podcast, I open up about the deeply traumatic experiences I went through during my sons' missionary services. I talk about how grateful I am for my better communication with my younger son, which was quite different from what I experienced when my older son was on his mission. I delve into what trauma means, pointing out that it's not so much about the events themselves but rather how our brains react to them.
I share the story of my son's mission and my distress due to his companion's very concerning behavior. And the response I got from the mission president didn't help the situation.
This is all about normalizing that sometimes we need outside help to help us process what has happened. Trauma isn't something we need to ignore; we can get the help we need.
Share your missionary stories where you agree to allow me to share them: michellesevans.coach@gmail.com
Welcome to the podcast. First off, I just want to say I'm so glad that I get to talk to my missionary more than twice a year. I did that with my first son. And I remember chatting like via email. Back and forth and wondering if it was really him or if somebody would, was possibly impersonating him. And my current son getting to see his face and talk to him. Really helps me get a beat on what's happening and how he's really doing. So I am so glad that they made that change. I feel like that was so huge for mothers. Everywhere. So I've mentioned in some of my previous Cod podcasts that I had some trauma over my first son's mission. So I wanted to share. What that looked like for me and how, how I figured it out and what I do now in order to try and keep things in perspective. And not have that happen again. But before I get into that story, let me just explain a few things that I understand about trauma. And hopefully this helps you be able to understand if you know something like this shows up in your life. Basically traumatic. Events. R what caused the trauma. It's how our brain interprets it and stores it. And it's stored in a different area of the brain than just regular memories. And in order to get those memories to move over into regular storage there. They're normally takes some sort of modality, you know, therapy. That helps your brain heal. It's like your brain has a wound. And my personal belief is that everybody's brains are totally different. And we have similarities, but you have to find the modality that works for you. And it's not a one size fits all. And so I will talk about. How I found a modality that fit me and what I did about that. But I want to give an example of trauma. When I was in high school, we had a teacher that had been in the Korean war. And occasionally had flashbacks and he would yell at all of us that the students to get under the desk. And although he understood like rationally. That we were fine, but his brain was stuck in this loop and weave. And so it felt very dangerous. And we've heard about that. And we've heard about people that have gone to war, having PTSD. Or, you know, somebody that has some abuse. That they might have some possible PTSD. But. I didn't realize that could happen to any of us at any time. And so that's the reason that I wanted to share this story and it's not to scare anybody about missions or what happens. This is just what my brain did. And somebody else's brain would have done something completely different, but I just wanted to help you be able to recognize if something has come up for you. So my son was serving. This was from 2016 to 2018. And he had a companion. That he, he kind of had mentioned that there was a little bit off. And I'm not really sure what caused, you know, some of the mental problems that this companion was having. But my son started writing some emails that were just a little bit bizarre for my son. So he would mention like that he wasn't sleeping. And that he would stay up at night and he would write poetry, which poetry is amazing. But for this particular son, it was just kind of unusual. And. Definitely not. Like a typical thing for him. But I, but I was like, kept telling myself like, it's okay. I'm sure it's fine. Like maybe that's just a new thing that he learned on his mission. And I was having these nagging feelings, but I was ignoring them. And just writing it off as like mission growth or changes or something. But I could still sense that there was something going on that like, I couldn't see. And I was super naive. Um, My husband didn't go on a mission. I didn't go on a mission. This was my, my first son that had, had gone on a mission. And I had always had this thought that missions were great. They're the answer to having a great life. So I didn't really see any of this coming. So then just fast forward, about three or four weeks, I got an email. From him that explained that his companion had bought knives. And he went into great detail about telling my son how he planned to kill some of his prior companions. And how he had stood over some of his companions at night. With a knife, thinking about how he was going to kill him. And okay. This was terrifying for me. My son was alone with him for about a month. then he went on splits with the zone leaders. And when he was with the zone leaders, he mentioned to one of the zone leaders, what was happening with his companion. And so thank goodness. The zone leader was like, yeah, this is not a, okay. This is not normal behavior. And so he helped my son contact the mission president. And then that companion ended up going home and hopefully getting some help. As a mom, this was totally shocking. And I sent an email to the mission president asking for like, Hey, can you give me a heads up? If anything happens in the future? That was like crazy unexpected so that I would have time to think about it and how to support my son. When I got like emails from him. And. The mission president's reply was it's none of your business. And I remember feeling like. So out of control in that moment and everything felt very shocking and just so jarring. And I started to spin in my mind about the dangers of a mission and fretting about like my son and his safety. And when this particular son came home. I remember sobbing and thinking. Thank goodness. I mean, this was my honest to goodness thought. Thank goodness. He made it out alive. And all of this started to happen because I, my brain. Created, like had basically an injury. And I experienced some trauma, which I had no idea. That this could be trauma. And I, I always, like I mentioned before, I always thought trauma was like war related or abuse or something like that. But we have no control how our brains. We'll store memories. And mine got stuck. In this loop. So fast forward 2022. I have one of my other sons. He says. He starts talking about emission and I start having all of this. Anger and. Just almost irrational thoughts. And I was having a conversation with somebody and I was relating this story. And this particular person's response was. The mission president was right. It was none of your business. And this is where I completely lost my mind. It was like a train that was coming up through my body and out at him. And I was beyond furious. And if you listen to the episode about the nervous system, You you'll know, when we talk about fight flight freeze. I was in complete fight mode. It was like my logical brain have left the universe. And I was so furious and I was shaking. And I remember going out to my truck and my husband coming out. And he got in. And he said. I think you may need some help because you're not getting better. You're getting worse. And remember my son had come home in 2018. And this is 2022. So four years later, and I was having this huge, huge response. I thought about what he said, and I was coaching at the time, and I actually had a coaching session. With, another coach and I went into that coaching session. And thank goodness. That coach recognized. What was happening in my body was trauma. Oh, I guess they're teary about this because I had no idea. And I felt like I was losing my mind. And I was blaming everything around me. I was blaming the mission president. I was blaming missions in general. I was blaming the conversation that I had, but in actuality, what was happening. Was I had an unhealed wound. That I have never dealt with. This coach. You know, told me this was trauma. And I was so surprised because I had no idea. So I started doing some research and. Um, and this is where I just wanted to go back and touch on. Like fine. If you have had something or if you have a visceral response. In your body, there is nothing wrong with you. It is just like going to the doctor. If you have a cut and getting stitches. It's just getting the help that you need so that you can start to heal that wound. So I got online and I started reading about different modalities. Have, you know, what was available to help heal trauma. And inside of me, I felt very drawn and pulled towards doing EMDR. I started looking for a therapist and it took me a little bit, um, I went to one and she was not a match for it for me. And it was just like shopping for a doctor, like. I don't go to people that don't resonate with my, my spirit and my soul. And so I, but I found one and I was looking for somebody who wasn't going to tell me I needed to pray more. Or I needed to fast more or any of those things. I was looking for somebody who could actually recognize that the trauma that had happened. Is what needed to be treated, that there was nothing a matter with my faith. Or with my beliefs. And so I started EMDR and I was only working on that one specific thing. And I remember coming into the very last session. And I could not drum up that anger and that visceral response. And I, and I asked my therapist, I said, is this normal? And he said, yes, this is what we've been. This is what we've been needing. This is, this is healing. And now when I talk about it, I couldn't talk about missions. Even when my friends were telling me, you know, Oh, my daughter, it was going on a mission and she got her call. And this is when her farewell is I couldn't go. Because I was, so I had so much internal upheaval and turmoil. And I didn't know how to, go and be supportive. When I was feeling so out of control and having this huge visceral, like body response. So the reason that I wanted to do this episode and explain what happened. Is that if you feel jaded about your son or your daughter's mission, or you have some really strong feelings about something that happened. On your kid's mission. It may be, look, be worth looking into. getting some help for some trauma work and there's nothing wrong with that. Second, if something has happened. That is not okay to your missionary on their mission. They may need some professional help. And they may not because their brain is not your brain. So just because your brain reacted one way, doesn't mean there's did. So you just have to start to, be observant and, be aware and watch and watch those things. And then the third is, I wish. That I had had someone during that time would have been supportive of me that I could have talked to. That could have maybe recognized what was going on. And I think I would have been able to deal with it. In the moment and I would have saved myself a ton of heartache. And I wouldn't have projected so much fear onto my other kids. Onto my friends. And that's one of the reasons that I actually went to the life coach school and got certified. What's to understand. More about how my brain worked and I can help other people. And as you start to navigate or your already navigated. Some of these things. With a missionary. Getting additional support. There's nothing wrong with that. And it's totally okay. And I just think that we need to normalize. That everybody's experience. And our, and our mom experience is valid and it's real. And if you have had any type of trauma or anything, There is nothing a matter with you. It's so interesting how we try to rationalize away from what's going on inside of us. And we don't do that. If we get like a broken bone, we're not like, well, I'm just, I'm just going to hold on. And I'm going to read more conference talks. We don't, we don't do that. We go in and we get treatment. And so that treatment. and having a professional in your corner. Is so valuable. And I know the church has a lot of resources. I'm sure it depends on where you're at and what area. But advocate for yourself and be able to have your own back and your own voice where you can reach out and get the help that you need and the support that you need. And I know that this was probably a lot of information and, and like I said, I wasn't sharing this to terrify anybody. I was sharing it just so that. People can understand that. trauma can happen. And it, it doesn't, it's not mutually exclusive to only war or abuse. It can happen. any time. All right, everybody. I hope you have a good week. If you do have trauma, definitely reach out, get some help. And we will see you next time. Bye bye.
